GOODBYE, FOR NOW

(Quinn)

My camera was the only value stuff that my father couldn't sell after he kicked me out. I heard he sold my car, my jewelry, my room's furniture and my old bicycle. What wasn't profitable, was donated. So all I had left was a bank account with $260, some of my clothes, two pairs of shoes and my camera: the only thing I made sure to shove the suitcase on that unfortunate day.

Pregnancy and being in the shit at least made me draw some goals:

1: I would find a part-time job after the labor and giving my baby up for adoption;

2: I would recover my post at the top, after all, respect and visibility are important;

3: I would get a scholarship in college and leave Lima by my own legs;

4: Noah Puckerman would never touch me again;

5: I would never miss a condom in my purse.

Not that I planned have sex, but condoms became a reminder that I can't trust anyone and that I should always be prepared for anything. Puck proposed me to sleep with him on regular basis, since I had nothing more to lose. Instead, I bought a pink dildo that I named Lady Barbra.

When Lady Barbra wasn't curing the itch in my pregnant vagina, or when I am not reading a book, I spent some time photographing the rooms I stayed. I could do an exhibition.

The first room was Finn Hudson's. It had many posters on the wall, like Keith Moon's picture, rock bands, flags and logos of some football teams. Finn's room was too small to fit the drums, which was in the living room. But it had a chair that belonged to his father, a lamp and a computer on the desk, a shelf with baseball and football balls, some action figures and the biggest TV of the house just for his X-Box. I also found a collection of Playboys inside a bag he keeps under the bed.

Everything in that house reminded Finn. Carole Hudson made her son the center of the universe. I got a lot about him on the weeks I lived there. I figured why he was a good kid, and so the reason he was childish and somewhat silly.

The second bedroom was Noah Puckerman's. I moved to his house as soon as my lies involving my baby's father were over. As Carole, Puck's mother hated me. But Carole at least tried to be kind. Mrs. Puckerman counted the days to my labor so I could go away. I also understand more about Puck. He was the eldest son of a family with little money. The father left behind his wife and two kids, and they had to provide the bread without any other help. Puck cleans pools to effectively help her mother and younger sister. Of course it doesn't stop him being a bastard womanizer.

Puck's room was spartan. It had a simple wardrobe, a single bed, a nightstand, clean walls, except for a Metallica's poster. The small amplifier and the guitar were in the corner. Puck prefers "read" Hustler and kept some issues inside the nightstand drawer.

The third bedroom was Ethan Jones'. That's where I've been sleeping since Mercedes invited me to stay at her home. Ethan studied with my sister, Frannie. They were part of the same group of popular kids of William McKinley High and they graduated together. That was the first room I found books and graphic novels instead of men's magazines. But there were caveats. Ethan had a copy of "Lost Girls", by Alan Moore, and other erotic GNs. You can call it art, but it is still porn material, which reinforces my theory that men think about sex all the time.

Ethan's room reflected a better financial condition of the Jones. The family lives in a nice house, Mercedes' father was a dentist, her mother has a small shop. They enjoyed having dinner together and they didn't judge me for being pregnant at 16. For the first time I felt truly welcomed by strangers. I owed an eternal debt of gratitude to Mercedes.

…

Some of bizarre moments of the Glee Clubbers that didn't include me.

1: Kurt joined the football team dancing Beyonce;

2: Rachel Berry-Lopez accept take some drugs to win a worthless competition;

3: Puck sold marijuana cupcakes at school;

4: Santana slept with Finn Hudson and her sister doesn't know yet;

5: The coach of our greatest adversary is Rachel and Santana's biological mother.

This latest news had just burst out. When Mercedes dragged me to spy on Vocal Adrenaline's rehearsal, I thought I would just watch a good show. But the Rachel bombshell revelation with a dramatic entrance was one of the best scenes of the year. Mercedes is a great person, but she can't control her tongue when she got excited about some news. In the next day, before the lunch break, half the choir already knew. There was no use to denying it, so I confirmed the story.

I didn't blame Santana for having avoided everybody at school or the absence of Rachel.

I found Santana in an empty classroom and she seemed to even notice me. I looked at what she was writing: numbers. She was doing one of that complicated calculi I didn't dream of solving, and I was a top student. I knew Santana had special class for advanced students, and she would hate if everybody knew she's kind of a genius. I remember the conversation she had with Brittany I wasn't supposed to hear, that she said the three things that calmed her: sex, gardening and numbers. We were on lunch break, the choir was doing Gaga's week, and we would soon wear a costume to rehearse "Bad Romance". That was the point that I begin the conversation.

"B said you and she packed a great costume for the number."

"We were working on it." She said still not looking at me. "Until you called."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No offense, Fabray, but you're the last person in this school that I would talk."

I didn't know if it was the effect of my late pregnancy or if I truly respect her drama. Instead of giving her my usual passive aggressive bitterness response, I sat down beside her.

"Puck just suggested baptize the baby as Jackie Daniels."

"What about Joan Walker? So she can keep walking." She opened a small smile.

"Not funny." We hushed for a moment. "Seriously, how are you?"

"Not too bad. I don't know why you ask. "

"You found your biological mother yesterday. This is huge."

"To my sister. Not to me."

"Then why are you hiding inside an empty room doing calculations?"

"I just need to think."

"Right… Will you go to the choir today? It will be good to you. Singing our demons, you know?"

"Yeah, I'll show up. I brought my costume and it would be a waste not to show how sexy it is on me." I nodded and stood up. "Quinn..." Santana hesitated.

"What?"

"If you give your baby for adoption and someday, after about 16 years, she looks for you, then call her for a coffee and listen to her story, tell a little of yours. If you want to keep in touch, just great. But if you don't, please be honest and say goodbye. Don't play games or run away. Because if you do, you can fuck with her head and it wouldn't be right."

I didn't know what happened between Mrs. Corcoran and the improbable twins, but I presume the meeting wasn't so good. Anyway, Santana got me thinking about my baby and my future.

…

(Santana)

Shelby Corcoran messed my world, and it wasn't fair. Because of her, there was tension between my dads this morning, Rachel was a wreck, and I seemed to be the only person willing to not let be affect. I kept my pose as much as possible and did my best to scare people, even Britt.

Pretending everything was the same it would be easier. The problem was that Mercedes Jones, a natural gossip girl, witnessed the whole scene with Rachel. Of course, every school must be aware and I hated the pious and anxious glances in my direction.

I needed change the game, change my mood. Unfortunately, calculation, gardening or sex wouldn't work this time. I had to make a direct approach to my problems. That's why, at the end of the classes, I ignored the cheerios training and went toward Carmel. I needed to get some things clean, then I searched for Shelby Corcoran, and I was told she was in the office, but she was already with some people. I decided to go there anyway because there was no one more important than me at that moment.

But there was.

My dads were there talking to her.

I tried, but that damn office was soundproof and all I could hear were muffled sounds. I still had few options. I could wait and confront them on exit, or just leave. I chose the second. I went back to McKinley in time to Glee. Rachel was there. Apparently daddy gave her a ride before going to "community college". Liar!

"Daddy helped you to stick these stuffed animals in your pajamas this morning?" I asked in the presence of our friends. "Didn't you have a better idea? Although this costume perfectly reflects your kitsch."

"It reflects my emotional state, dear sister, not my fashion preferences."

"Please, you do not have a preference style that is out of the Sears catalog."

For some reason, our public discussions always amused the choir. Everyone enjoyed rudeness since it wasn't addressed to them. After the rehearsal Rachel asked for the car keys. I kind of knew where she was going. She needed to get clean some things. I handed the keys and hitched a ride with Matt. At home, I found daddy doing some gardening. I put on some old comfortable clothes and helped him.

"Hi Dad." I handed him a plastic bag to put the branches.

"How was school, honey?"

"All right, I think. Our friends already know the news. "

"Did they give a hard work to you and your sister?"

"Not really. Rachel made a nice speech reiterating her loyalty to the team and the subject is no longer attractive five minutes later. She knows how to handle these things better than me."

"Where is she?"

"She took the car."

"For?"

"She didn't say." Daddy sighed and muttered softly. "Dad... what will happen now? I mean, about Shelby Corcoran?"

"Your father and I talked and we came to a consensus. We won't issue her, but we asked her to keep the proper distance for the good of you all."

"You mean she can't come near us or something?"

"That would be silly, Santana. You and your sister can meet her if you want, but your father and I must to know first. She manipulated Rachel to break a serious rule of a contract. That's not ok, kid. But we need to consider what is better for both of you."

"Like supervised meetings?"

"We will see what is the best way to do it. Do you agree?"

"My opinion is valid now?" Not that I disagree, but it would be better if Rachel and I were consulted first.

"Santana..."

"No, that's ok. I agree to the terms."

"But do you want to meet your biological mother? Keeping in touch?"

"I don't know."

In the follow day, Rachel appeared in the boys' Kiss performance with a cool Gaga dress. I complimented her and she proudly said her mother made it. It was important to Rachel say that she had a mother. For once, I liked Shelby Corcoran.

But not for long. In the early evening, Rachel broke into my room with some tears in her eyes.

"Shelby called. She asked to talk with to us tomorrow at 5 P.M in Carmel."

"Isn't this against the new rules?"

"Santy, I think she wants to say goodbye."

…

(Rachel)

"I hate you." Santana crossed her arms. "I hate you for dragging me here. I hate you because it's raining outside. And I blame you for everything that's wrong in the world."

We were in Carmel's auditorium. I, with my red dress, and my sister at my side with a bib pants and blouse (thought those clothes makes her a lovely nerd). It wasn't hard to drag her to Carmel. All it took was a little emotional blackmail mixed with a little logic. In case, if something went very wrong and I kill myself, she would be the one to blame.

"She is your mother too." I ignored her and looked at the papers. "You should thank me because I know you'd regret it later if you wouldn't have come."

"Yeah, I should thank you for lost the chance to have a wonderful orgasm at Puck's house."

"I don't need to hear about your sex life!"

"My God, me either!" My mother interrupted and surprised us. "That was more disturbing than I could imagine."

Shelby walked around the piano and stood in front of us. The musical instrument worked as a shield. I wasn't sure if it was ours or hers. Shelby was elegant, dressed in a fine leather jacket, discreet jewelery combining with urban chic style. I wondered if one day I could be as sophisticated as she was.

"How you parents came up with these names? Rachel and Santana?"

"Santana and Rachel." My sister muttered. "I'm the oldest."

"Daddy was a big Friends fan and papi loves Carlos Santana's music."

"By daddy you mean Hiram, right?" I noted. "This is so him. And Juan had a wonderful music collection. He was the one who introduced me to Nina Simone. Now, I am a fan."

"Still has." Santana essayed a smile. "Our collection is huge. All the good and rare stuffs are in the basement... Papi says that a tornado can bring the whole house down except the music collection."

Shelby chuckled. Then the seriousness took over and a brief silence contaminated the environment.

"I know you called us here to say goodbye." I struggled to not crying.

"I really wish this had happened as I pictured."

"As you pictured?" Santana joked. "You didn't even try. To me, you're afraid."

"It's not so simple. I wish I could somehow compensate both of you for this long absence. But everything got very confused. I remembered two little babies, but I found out two beautiful and independent young women. You don't need me, and I fear that I misunderstood some things. It's confusing."

"Confusing to whom, Mrs. Corcoran." I always tensed when my sister went into combative mode. "There is no misunderstood on my part. You're not my mother. You're only the woman who donated 50% of my genetic material."

"You are my mom." I corrected, but pondered. "On the other hand, 16 years passed..." Words failed me. All the situation was still very confusing.

"No, Santana is right: I'm not a mom. Yet, I'm a mother. You are 50% me, I gave birth to both of you, and this is undeniable. Whether or not you two are part of me and the last thing I would do is harm you. Therefore, I know it's better not take this relationship further for now. It would be confusing for you and for me. I need to tell myself that I lost your growth. I lost the breastfed, your first steps and the first words. If there is one thing that I regret, that was it."

"But that was your choice, Corcoran." Santana pinned.

"I knew you would be in the hands of two amazing guys. So I signed that contract. But then... well, it was too late and I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. I was only 20 and had big dreams. But now, here I am making the right decision to not complicate the life of you two."

"This means that we can't see each other anymore? That we should pretend we don't know each other?" I felt my heart beat harder, almost desperate.

"Nonsense. Let's face some possibilities: the distance will be healthy for now and nothing prevents the three of us can get closer in the future. We'll build this relationship in baby steps." Shelby looked at me. "And don't think I'll make things easier on Regionals just because you are on the other team."

"Bring it on." I smiled quickly, and then make another big effort to hold back my tears.

"Can I have a hug?" I was surprised by this Shelby's ask.

Santana was the first to go around the piano and gave her a quick hug. The impression I got is that the gesture would be even shorter if Shelby hadn't caught her a little more. In my time, I tried to prolong the moment as much as I could. I took a deep breath to smell the perfume she wore, the shampoo. Little things I could memorize and store.

"Could you do me a favor?" I positive nodded and she opened the folder. "When you're thirsty, can you drink water in this cup? " She opened the package and showed me a glass decorated with a golden star. "Gold stars are my thing." I accepted the present, enjoying even more lightweight warmth she gave in my hair. "I wasn't sure what I could give you, Santana" She pulled out a bottle and handed it to my sister. "This is my favorite root beer. I hope you like."

Santana nodded and thanked her softly.

"Before you go, would you sing with me?" I made the request. Shelby seemed interested. "I always had this fantasy of doing a duet with you. It would mean a lot to me."

"Sure! Would be an honor."

"Brad." I screamed. Shelby looked at me suspiciously. "He is always around!"

The pianist sat down and Santana got a space on the bench beside him. I started singing with Shelby. It was incredible! She is fabulous. That certainly was the best duet I've ever done. In the end, she just made a quick affection and withdrew from the auditorium. I couldn't hold the tears. I felt arms around me, comforting me. These arms were Santana's.

"Poker Face?" She tried to make fun but also had moist eyes. "Really?"

"Shut up!" I hugged her further.

We cried together for a while until we had conditions to collect our things and go.