26 Weeks
I had been happily cruising through my pregnancy. We were past the stage of being worried about another potential miscarriage, Jane and I had become significantly closer and I was really starting to enjoy my pregnancy. Naturally, this is the time when things start to go wrong.
I woke to a dull pain in my upper back. I took three deep breaths and closed my eyes, waiting for it to pass. I busied my thoughts with thoughts of onesies, bottles and diapers. When the pain started to radiate down into my upper abdominal area, a familiar thought and feeling popped into my head. I sat up, staring down at my stomach. We cannot go through this again was all I could think as I turned to face my sleeping wife.
"Jane…" I tried to keep my voice as quiet and calm as I possibly could as I softly shook my wife's shoulder, desperately waiting for her to open her eyes. I felt tears starting to burn behind my eyes. "Jane." I was more forceful now, shaking her hard. She didn't say anything as she rolled over, her eyes wide when they met mine which I could only imagine were wide in panic.
"Baby…" She started, sitting up and leaning toward me, softly rubbing my forearm until I was ready to explain my current state. Her breathing started to accelerate and I could tell the worst possible scenarios were running through her head as much as they were mine. I didn't say anything, to focused on waiting for the pain to pass.
"I'm… Pain. I shook my head; trying to differentiate this pain to pain I had felt in previous unsuccessful pregnancies. She took a deep breath, standing and moving to my side of the bed, kneeling in front of me before she spoke.
"Okay, are you bleeding?" She asked in a calm voice, though her wide eyes and shaking hands told a different story.
"I don't know, I'm too scared… I haven't looked." She nodded slowly at my words, slowly grabbing a pair of pants that were on the chair in the corner of the room, pulling them over her thin legs before she walked back over to me.
"Can you stand?" She asked nervously, holding her hands out to me in an effort to help me off the bed. I nodded slowly, taking her hands and letting her pull me off the mattress. "There's no blood, but let's get you to the hospital just in case."
"I can't do this again." I told her, a panic attack making its way up into my chest as more and more memories and negative feelings manifested. She took another deep breath, taking both my hands in hers, looking me straight in the eye before she spoke.
"I promise you're going to be okay."
I had never noticed the differences between you're going to be okay and everything is going to be okay before tonight.
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We sat in silence in the exam room, neither of us having any idea what the appropriate thing to say in the situation was. I closed my eyes as the pain got more intense, frowning as I felt Janes hand squeeze mine softly in support.
"Shouldn't someone be looking at you like… now?" Jane asked, just as a doctor walked into the room, smiling sympathetically at me as he sat down beside me. I had seen that smile before, and it made me feel sick.
"Let's see what's going on in there." He said with the most reassuring voice he could. Within minutes the familiar sound of two babies heartbeats filled the room. I looked at the screen, seeing both babies safe in their place and a violent sob escaped my chest.
"Oh thank god." I sobbed, placing one of my hands over my face as I tried to comprehend that they were right where we left them. The doctor chuckled lightly, patting my hand in understanding.
"Baby B is looking a little small." He said suddenly, my hand shooting away from my face as I looked at the screen. He looked exactly like his sister. Whatever the doctor was seeing; I wasn't. They looked perfect to me.
"But why is she in pain?" Jane asked, bringing us both back to the real reason we were at the hospital in the first place. The doctor moved the ultrasound further up my stomach, losing sight of the babies on the screen.
"Kidney stones." He pointed out, nodding toward the screen. "We'll keep you in tonight and set you up with an IV. The hope is that you'll pass them naturally, but if that hasn't happened in the next 24 hours we'll talk about other options." He said with an apologetic smile as he moved to turn the ultrasound machine off.
"Why do you think he's small?" I asked, placing my hand over the place we usually saw baby B on the ultrasounds.
"It's common for one of the babies in a multiple pregnancy to be a bit on the small side. We'll keep monitoring him and hopefully we won't need to intervene." He said with a cheery voice, wiping the conductive jelly off my stomach and holding out a hand to help me sit up comfortably.
"What if you do need to intervene?" Jane asked, bringing her fingers to her mouth, starting to chew on her nails nervously.
"Do you have a birth plan?" The doctor asked, looking at me when he spoke.
"No, not yet." I admitted, slightly embarrassed to be called out on yet another thing we were yet to attend to. I remembered one of my friends from medical school going on to become a paediatric doctor, and made a mental note to look her up and see if she was still local.
"Just bring it up with your doctor and they'll talk you through all your potential options." He said with a smile before he got up and left Jane and I sitting wondering what he meant.
"What did that mean?" I asked, frowning as I stared at the closed door.
"You're the doctor, you tell me." She teased, placing a light kiss to the top of my head as another shot of pain ran through my kidneys.
15 hours later, two doses of pain relief and an IV later and I had successfully passed the kidney stones without needing intervention. This time, I was happy to high five my wife.
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"Okay, remind me again, who is this chick?" Jane asked me curiously as we walked into the unfamiliar doctor's office. I rolled my eyes at her choice of words, an action I had never really done before I met her. She had rubbed off on me more than I cared to admit.
"Her name is Julia Williams. We went to medical school together." I reminded Jane, who nodded slowly as I spoke, a slight smirk making it's way onto her lips.
"Julia Williams; that does sound like someone you would know." She laughed, her joke completely surpassing me as I tried to understand why it was amusing her.
"Why?" I asked outright, my head tilting to the left as I waited for her response.
"She sounds fancy." Jane said with a shrug, her smile fading as I ruined her joke. She'd always told me that if someone else told a joke I didn't understand and everyone else around laughed, that I should just laugh and ask her about it later. Sadly, this meant whenever she told a joke I didn't understand, I didn't bother pretending to find it funny.
"How can someone sound fancy?" I asked, still completely bewildered. She shook her head, a small smile making its way back onto her lips as she opened the office door for me. "Did you read the chapters on birth plans?" I whispered as we were guided straight into an office.
"I did one better than that." Jane said with a proud smile, pulling folded pieces of paper out of her back pocket. Not only had she read the chapters, she had bought print outs of all of the things we are supposed to ask our doctor. "You've got pregnancy brain; I knew you'd forget something." She said with a shrug, clearly not understanding how much her small gesture meant to me.
"Maura?" A familiar voice came from behind me, causing both Jane and I turn our attention to the dark haired woman.
"Julia." I said with the most warmth in my voice I could. We were never close in medical school, but if she was going to be the one delivering my babies, I wanted her to think I thought of her with nothing but good thoughts.
"How are you?" She asked politely, wrapping her arms around my shoulders softly, kissing each of my cheeks once before she pulled back and looked at Jane with a small smile.
"Really well." I pointed out, both my hands moving to rest on my ever growing abdomen. Julia's hands went straight to my stomach, catching me off guard. I was used to people asking before they touched me, even doctors.
"Twins, wow you're brave." She joked, causing a frown to break out on my face. Janes forced laughter from beside me told me it was okay to laugh, and I forced a smile.
"This is my wife, Jane. Jane, this is Julia." They shook hands politely before we sat back down at her desk, Jane discretely handing me all the questions we had to ask.
"So, have you thought through your options?" Julia asked, opening my file in front of her and quickly scanning over my information. Jane looked at me, I was clearly going to be heading the conversation here.
"I want to do whatever is safest, which in my case will probably be a scheduled C-section; which I read on your website you're very experienced in." She nodded as I spoke, jotting it all down on some official form.
"And you want to stay awake for the procedure?"
"Absolutely." I nodded, knowing there was no way I was going to be okay with falling asleep and waking back up after it was all over. I wanted to experience every second of it. "I want a mirror, too. I heard you can have a mirror?" Jane tilted her head to the right as I spoke.
"Some women like to have a mirror above the procedure so they can watch it happen." Jane frowned, scrunching up her nose as she turned to look at me, raising her eyebrows.
"Jane I cut open dead bodies every day." I reminded her with a sweet smile
"Yeah but this will be you getting cut open, Maura." She reminded me softly, placing her hand on my thigh under the table. "So long as I don't have to see it and you're comfortable though…"
"I want the mirror." I said, turning to look back at Julia who looked between us awkwardly before nodding, writing it down. I looked through the list in my hands, trying to pinpoint which things mattered to me the most. "I want an epidural for the pain, no questions asked on the day; I want it. And I want my mother and Janes mother in the room." Julia pursed her lips, putting her pen down before she looked up at me.
"It can get pretty intense in there. We only suggest you bring one another person in apart from your partner." She told me with apologetic eyes. She wasn't telling me it was a suggestion, it was my only option. I turned to look at Jane, panicking as I tried to decide which parent I was supposed to take in with me.
If I took my mother, not only would it break Angela's heart, but I know Jane would feel tense. If I choose Angela… I wouldn't have my mother there.
"Will your mom even be in the country?" Jane asked quietly, voicing her opinion to me in the best way she knew how to. I nodded, sighing as I realised what the inevitable decision was going to be either way.
"Angela Rizzoli will be coming in too. That means when they take one or both of the babies to the NICU, you go with them and she stays with me." Jane nodded in understanding, knowing that arguing the point with me would literally get her nowhere.
"Have you talked about circumcision?" She asked simply.
"We're doing it." I said without a second thought, earning raised eyebrows from my wife.
"Excuse me?" Jane asked, a slight edge to her voice when she spoke. "No." She added, turning to Julia when she spoke now. I frowned at her, turning in my seat to face her properly.
"No?" I asked, completely bewildered by her sudden outburst. She frowned right back at me, sitting up straight in her chair, her eyes darting between Julia and I as if she were trying to decide if this was a fight she wanted to have in front of someone.
"I can't believe you said we're doing it without even discussing it with me." She said in a hushed voice, her tone thick with annoyance as she spoke.
"I thought it was a given that we would do it. It lowers the risk of him getting a UTI, it's easier to clean and it reduces his likelihood of him getting cancer in his penis."
"And I thought it was a given that we would not put our son through a surgery that he doesn't need. And I read those studies you left on your laptop. There's only like a 1% chance he'll get a UTI anyway." I was surprised at how strong of an opinion Jane seemed to have on the subject.
"What do you think?" I asked, turning to look at Julia who awkwardly looked back at me with raised eyebrows that begged me not to get her involved.
"No, this is between you and I." Jane snapped, catching me completely off guard. "I am not okay with this." She added, her voice getting quiet as she nodded toward the form sitting on Julia's desk.
"Then we won't do it." I told her, smiling apologetically. We really did need to start talking about things before doctors appointments.
"So no to circumcision?" Julia asked hesitantly.
"No to circumcision." I concluded, squeezing Janes hand under the table lightly.
"Have you thought about if you want to record or have photos taken in the operating room?" She asked, both Jane and I looking at each other with pursed lips. Jane shook her head, nodding toward me.
"You'll be the one in the vulnerable position; this one is totally up to you." I thought about it, thought about how terrible I could potentially look, but how little I would care about that looking back at the photos when our children were five, ten, fifteen years old.
"Yes to camera." I said with a smile, starting to get really excited about the fact that this was all really happening.
"Okay, it says here baby B was looking a bit small at your last ultrasound, so I'm just going to have a little look and we'll talk about your induction date after that." Julia said with a smile, standing and directing us to a door that led straight into an exam room.
As usual, the conductive jelly was cold and caused a quiet gasp to escape my lips.
"What have you been doing with yourself?" Julia asked me casually as she moved around my stomach, trying to locate each of the babies.
"I'm the Chief Medical Examiner." I told her proudly, looking at Jane with a smile. It was pointless; all of her attention was on the black and white screen next to me.
"Okay baby B is looking a bit small." Julia said suddenly, her lips pursed as she pulled a cursor all over his body, taking all sorts of measurements. The longer she went without saying anything, the worst I felt.
"What does that mean?" Jane finally asked, both of us not able to take the silence any longer. Julia smiled the most reassuring smile she could before she turned to look at us both.
"We might have to get you in at 36 weeks rather than the usual 38 if he doesn't start to catch up, but we'll bring you in every two weeks for a check-up." She said; her voice too cheery for what she was telling us.
"Doesn't 36 weeks class as pre-term though?" I asked, frowning at the thought of one, or both, of our babies needing to be in the NICU and away from us. Janes hand tightened in mine slightly at my question.
"It might not even come to that, Maura." Julia said softly, placing a gentle hand on my forearm. "But you really need to start resting from here in out. Which means no more work." She said, laughing sympathetically when I groaned, letting my head fall back against the chair I was laying in.
"Is baby A okay?" Jane asked, smiling down at me as she spoke. Julia nodded, bringing a picture of our little girl back up on the screen and pointing to her head.
"She's almost at the weight she should be in a singular birth, she's perfect."
At least there was some good news.