Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
-Jim Rohn

"Help me, PJ. I've been raped," I cried into the phone before he had the chance to mumble a sleepy greeting.

"What?" he asked while he tried to piece together what I just said. "Where are you? What happened? Are you hurt?"

"I'm at home," I managed to sputter out.

"Stay there. I'll be there soon."

In less than twenty minutes, PJ was quietly knocking on my door. I reluctantly got up and silently sulked back to my bed. PJ sat next to me and tried to put his arm around me but I pushed him off. The last thing I want is someone else touching me even if it is PJ.

He kept asking me what happened but I didn't want to say anything.

"Are you hurt?" No response. "Can I do anything?" Silence. "I'm taking you to the hospital then."

Now, that caught my attention.

"No!" I shouted back. "I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay here."

"What if you're hurt?" I told him I'm not. "We'll never know if you don't go to the hospital. They won't make you report it or press charges. We can go in and make sure you're physically okay."

His persistence just made me dig my heels in further. No police, no hospital, no anything. I just want to put this behind me.

Eventually, I gave in and told him I'd go only if I didn't have to press charges.

The car ride there was possibly the longest ride in my life. We raced past buildings I've seen a hundred times before yet didn't feel real. I didn't feel real.

Going to the hospital was just the second phase of my evening in hell. First, I had to wait in the waiting for nearly three hours before anybody came out to look at us. Then, I had to wait another half-hour until somebody from the Victim's Advocate Centre finally showed up. They told me that I couldn't bring PJ back with me. I was all alone once again.

"Hello, Alicia," a small, mousy woman said as she pulled back the curtain. An older woman followed closely behind. "I'm Lily Stewart from the Victim's Advocate Centre. I'm here to help you with any questions you may have. This is Doctor Hunter and she will be performing your examination tonight."

I didn't respond. Lily kept going on and on about what's going to happen and, frankly, I found it boring. I even told her I didn't want to be there.

"I know this is a very difficult moment for you and it's understandable that you don't want to be here. You just went through a very traumatic event. It's normal to feel this way.

Doctor Hunter assured me that if I felt uncomfortable at any time to just tell her and she'll stop.

"We're here to help," she said. I told her I thought I had been drugged which warranted a blood test.

While Doctor Hunter combed through my hair, the curtain was pulled back and smartly dressed woman with a police badge stepped into the small room.

"You called the police?" I shouted at Lily. "Why would you do that?"

"You were raped, Alicia. That is a crime."

"I know it's a crime but I don't want to talk to the police. I don't want to talk to anybody."

I almost considered telling them I made it up just so I could home. However, I didn't. I knew it would look bad if I did decide to go forward with the case.

"Hi, I'm Detective Jewell. I'm the detective that's been assigned to your case. Can you start by telling me what happened?"

Reluctantly, I started to recount the details of my night. I was, however, unable to repeat the "r word". After I finished telling Detective Jewell what happened, she asked me to change into a hospital gown because they needed my clothes for evidence.

"Will I get them back?" I asked. I instantly felt so selfish at that moment. I'm more concerned about my clothes than what happened.

Thankfully, the rest of the examination went smoothly. It was humiliating and uncomfortable, but I took it like a champ.

After hours of being questioned and strangers taking pictures of my body "for evidence", I was finally allowed to leave. God knows when they'll need to talk to me again.

While I was being examined, PJ drove back to my flat to get me a pair of pyjamas to change into. I tied up some loose ends with the detectives, and then went back home.

"This is all my fault," PJ said once we got back to my room. "If I hadn't left you there alone this would have never happened."

"Don't blame yourself," I told him. I felt like a fraud. I've been blaming myself all night long. "That just helps him elude blame. Blame him, not yourself."