Five Days Old
We knew this day was coming. Jane and I had both been silently preparing ourselves for the day we would have to leave the hospital without Noah since the day he was born; but nothing can really prepare you for the heartache you feel knowing he will be there alone. At least when I was a patient in the hospital Jane and I were in the same building as him 24 hours a day. Now we were going home and would have to come back during visiting hours to see him.
"You didn't install the car seats yourself did you?" I asked Jane as she slowly wheeled me toward the car. I could imagine the frown that made its way onto her face from behind me, but I didn't dare turn around.
"Tommy did it for us. He installed two in your car too." She said after a moment of silence. I knew she was struggling as hard as I was with the fact we were going home with only one of our babies, so I chose to reply with comfortable silence. When we got to the car she put the brakes on the wheelchair and carefully lifted Harper out of my arms. I watched with pursed lips and a furrowed brow as she placed her in the car seat. She suddenly looked far too small for us to be taking her home.
I crawled into the car beside Harper , placing a blanket between the seatbelt and the stitches on my lower abdomen to make sure they didn't get irritated, though being readmitted to the hospital wouldn't be the worst thing in the world right now. I placed a baby blanket that was covered in small handcuffs over Harpers body, tucking it in gently at her sides. I sighed quietly as I looked down at her perfect little face. How was she inside of me five days ago? How was she ever a part of me? She looked so beautiful I couldn't wrap my head around it.
"She's really beautiful." I noted aloud, meeting Janes eyes as she looked back at us in the rear view mirror.
"She suits her name perfectly, don't you think?" Jane asked with a small smile as her eyes darted between us and the road. I had no idea how much sleep Jane had had over the past week but the red in her eyes told me it wasn't nearly enough.
"She's perfect." I agreed, smiling down at the little girl who had completely stolen both of our hearts.
I spent the whole drive back to the house staring at our daughter, trying not to focus on how incomplete our family felt. I knew Jane would be going back to the hospital this afternoon to be with him, but it did little to take away the pain of him not being with us now. Did it make me a bad mother that I was giving so much attention to only one of my children?
"Do you want me to set you up in the living room or the bedroom?" Jane asked me quietly when we pulled up to the house. I had to admit I was surprised not to see any of our families cars in the driveway; though some peace and quiet was probably exactly what I needed right now.
"Are you going straight back to the hospital?" I asked, answering her question with another question. She nodded at me as she jumped out of the car, wasting no time in taking Harper out of her car seat. I noticed Janes eyes drift closed as she closed the car door; our daughter held close against her chest.
"Will you be okay to get up the stairs?" Jane asked me as we walked into our house. I debated telling her I wanted to stay downstairs in case someone came over, but the idea of walking up and down the stairs to the change table when Harper needed it did not sound desirable.
"I'll be fine." I told her with a small smile as she placed Harper in my arms, Jane's eyes scanning the stairs as if she doubted what I was telling her. She followed me up the stairs, one of her hands resting on my lower back as I took each step slowly, a slight uncomfortable tugging in my abdomen making me walk a lot slower than I otherwise would have.
I placed Harper into the bassinet on my side of the bed. It was the one we had set up for her brother, but I doubted that it really mattered at this point. I was anxious for time to pass so she could get a bit bigger; it made me sick noting how small she looked no matter where she was. Jane stood above her, running her thumb across Harpers cheek as she shifted on her feet.
"You can go." I told her in a quiet voice as I climbed into the bed, sighing at the comfort of finally being back in our big, comfortable bed. I lifted my shirt and pants off, leaving me in just a tank top and my boy cut underwear. Jane looked at me with apologetic eyes; as though she couldn't decide what the right thing to do was.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" She asked once more, her eyes moving back to rest on our daughters sleeping face. In all honesty I wanted to beg her to stay. I wanted her to sit with me and admire our baby girl and share all the excited feelings I was feeling deep down about having her home with us. But I knew; I knew that right now Noah needed us and if that meant me spending our first night home from the hospital alone; then so be it.
"I'll call Cailin soon and see if she wants to come keep me company." I said with a smile, pulling the blanket that covered my body up around my shoulders. Peace and quiet was far from what I needed; the idea of being home alone with a newborn on her first night home was not my idea of a good night.
"Visiting hours end at 10pm, so I should be back before you fall asleep." She told me as she pulled the clothes she was wearing off her body and replacing them with far more comfortable, durable clothes. I wanted to point out that now there was a newborn here, I couldn't imagine myself having as many late nights.
"Can you just…" I started, sighing as I pulled the blanket on her side of the bed open, nodding at the empty space beside me. She looked down at the bed with a slight frown. "I am exhausted and my hormones are still making me feel loopy." I told her as my voice began to shake. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded again at the space that was beside me. "So I am asking my wife to hold me."
She didn't hesitate. Her body slipped into the bed behind me, her arm easily wrapping around my waist and resting on the top of my stomach to be sure she didn't touch the stitches. She buried her face in my neck, pressing light kisses against my pulse point. I reached out and gently stroked Harpers hand, my eyes drifting closed as a range of emotions washed over me.
"I'm scared too." Jane whispered, resting her chin on my shoulder as she spoke. I took a deep breath and shifted so I was lying on my back, her eyes resting on our daughter when she could.
"You have to talk to me." I reminded her in a quiet voice, pushing a lose strand of hair away from her face. She looked completely exhausted. I had been so busy thinking about what my body had just gone through that it hadn't even occurred to me what Jane must have been going through.
"I need him to be okay." She told me, groaning quietly as she moved to rest her forehead on my shoulder so I could no longer see her face. I felt tears slip from her eyes and onto my shoulder and knew nothing I could ever say would make it okay.
"We all do." I told her as images of our little boy hooked up to machines helping him breathe filled my mind.
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The house was quiet; too quiet considering there was a five day old little girl sleeping in her bassinet beside me. After Jane had left to go spend some time with Noah I had closed all of the curtains and plunged the room into complete darkness. I flicked the lamp on the other side of the bed on and pulled out my laptop.
I had all of an hour of free time before quiet cries started to come from the wooden bassinet beside me. My heart skipped a beat at the sound of her first cry in her new home. In less than a second my laptop had been discarded to the side of the bed, the blanket pulled off of my body as I shot out of bed.
"It's okay, mummy is here, you're okay." I whispered as I gently lifted her up to rest against my chest. I felt a small frown make its way onto my face as I took three deep breaths, remembering that I read somewhere that babies can pick up on your anxiety or tension.
I closed my eyes and held her close against my chest, her quiet cries echoing in my head as I shifted back and forth on my feet slowly, my thumb softly tracing across her back. Her cries turned into quiet moans before she fell completely silent in my arms. I sat back down on the bed as gently as I could, her eyes opening to stare into mine as I placed her down on the bed in front of me.
"Good afternoon beautiful girl." I smiled down at her, placing my hand lightly on her stomach. She blinked up at me, bringing one of her hands to her face and yawning. "You better enjoy the quiet because before you know if you're going to have so many family members around you won't know what's happening." I told her with a smile, her eyes staring into mine with such intensity it made me suck in a breath, the smile never seeming able to leave my face. "But don't worry, you and your brother are the most loved babies ever."
She screwed up her face slightly and I couldn't help but let out a quiet giggle. She was definitely Janes daughter. She began to whine quietly again and I instinctively picked her up and placed her back in my arms, her mouth opening and closing as her face came into contact with my chest. I pursed my lips to stifle a giggle at her actions before I started to feed her.
"Maura?" My sisters voice echoed through the house as she walked up the stairs. I flinched at the sound of her booming voice, Harper jumping slightly in front of me. I placed a finger over my lips to silence Cailin as she walked into the bedroom, an apologetic smile making its way onto her face.
"Thank you for coming." I whispered when she crawled into the bed beside me. Cailin pushed down gently on the boob Harper was attached to so she could get a better look of her nieces face, a huge smile coming onto her face when she noted Harper falling asleep on me.
"Are you sure you're feeling up for this?" Cailin asked quietly when I pulled Harper away from my chest, her eyes firmly closed as I placed her in her aunt's arms. Cailin automatically lifted Harper to rest on her shoulder as she started to burp her. I nodded silently, forcing myself to get out of bed and pull on some workout clothes.
"We'll just go for a little walk and if it's too much we'll come back." I told her in the same way I would have if it were Jane sitting here with me. I had done a lot of research about when I would be able to start walking around again, and my doctor had told me that so long as I took it slow and didn't start running around; I should be okay.
"Do you want me to change her?" Cailin asked as I noticed the small amount of spit up that had found its way onto Harpers Baby A onesie. I shook my head and reached out for my little girl, nodding toward the pram in the corner of the rom.
"Can you take that downstairs for me though?" I asked with a polite smile as I carried Harper into the nursery, grabbing out another onesie and placing her on the change table. I opted with a pale white outfit that read I'm acute baby with an acute angled triangle on the front. I had thought it was the funniest, cutest thing I had ever seen; Jane had not agreed.
When I got downstairs Cailin was waiting by the front door with the double stroller open and ready to go. I handed Harper to her carefully and grabbed the prepacked nappy bag we were yet to use and placed it in the empty seat in the pram. I wasn't overly surprised to notice that Harper was still fast asleep as we began our little walk. I was thankful for a pram that meant I could look at her the whole time we walked because I could just imagine how stressed it would have made me to not be able to see her at all times.
"When are you going to see Noah?" Cailin asked me as we made our way down the street, the sound of our little boys name echoing in my head as I tried to think of an answer to her question.
"I will make sure I get up there sometime in the next few days." I told her, shivering as a cold afternoon breeze brushed past us. "How's school?" I asked her, realising nothing over the past week had been about anything but me.
"Stressful." She admitted with a quiet laugh, lacing her arm through mine casually as she did so. She sighed quietly and placed her head on my shoulder as we made our way into the park by my home.
"Is there anything you need to talk about?" I asked her, concerned and confused by her sudden affectionate action. Cailin and I were the farthest from affectionate with another that two sisters could be.
"I'm just really glad you're okay." She told me quietly, removing her head from my shoulder and shrugging her own. I smiled across at her, nodding my head slowly in understanding. "Do you think she misses him?" She asked me suddenly.
"I've been wondering the same thing." I responded honestly, both of us looking down at Harper who had started to slowly wake up in front of us. "There are studies that suggest when one of the babies in a multiple pregnancy dies; the other child does feel lonely without any real understanding of why they feel like that. So maybe she does. It's quite interesting really." She was frowning when I looked at her, my eyes widening in confusion.
"Yeah, except her brother isn't dead Maura." She reminded me with a wary expression all over her face, and I realised what I had just said.
I needed to see Noah.