Beth
(Quinn)
One of the clearest nights I have memory was Beth's birth. Soon after the New Directions' performance at the Regionals, my mother came to me saying that my father cheated on her and they were divorced. My water broke right there. I remember there was a stir, I think my friends put me in my mom's car and somehow we all manage to go to the Hospital in Columbus, but Rachel. I asked for Mercedes to come with me. Puck and my mother would anyway, but it was Mercedes who had welcomed me with open arms in one of the most difficult moments of my life. While Finn and Puck took me out of obligation, or guilt, Mercedes was who gave me shelter because she wanted me there.
Beth was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She had pale skin, like me, curious eyes of who will soon begin to tame the world. I fell for her immediately and, paradoxically, it was the reason that I gave her up. I couldn't give her a life of uncertainties in the company of two teenagers playing house, fated to destroy themselves. Especially when the biggest and best feeling I had for Puck was friendship and nothing more. I've never loved him and it would be martyrdom be his girlfriend just because of Beth. Nowadays, I would never do such of thing, but the insecure-repressed-afraid-in-the-closet-16-years-old Quinn Fabray would. What kind of future could I give to Beth, the person who was instantly loved most in the world? So when Shelby approached in the hospital nursery, I was sure she could be a better mother. Shelby regretted having given Santana and Rachel up, so she would seek to compensate for all the love denied to her biological daughters. I handed my own daughter and spent summer vacations broke inside, but I did everything for her, for Beth.
Some people criticize me because I keep my faith in God despite everything wrong that happened in my life. I'm not a religious fanatic, I'm not one of those pushing faith down on somebody else throat. There is my relationship with a Jewish woman to prove it. But I do believe in divine justice, I believe that God blesses and rewards those who seek to do the right thing. He only reserves what's best for us, even in the bad situations: but it's when we can learn some lessons and grew up. My suffering has opened my horizons and, little by little, I freed myself from shackles. I feared for anything more in my life, that's when I created courage to accept my homosexuality, to fight for Rachel, to move with her to New York even thought I had nothing in hands.
Beth doesn't know who I really am, but she will someday. And I wish she could be proud of who I am as a person who had the guts to be myself.
…
The more we returned to Lima, the more it seemed smaller. We got the bus coming directly from the Columbus airport – It was easier way to go to the city. Juan came to pick us up at the bus stop in front of city hall and we were surprised by the new car: he bought a new sedan. We put our luggage in the back. Santana sat up front while Rachel and I shared the space in the back seat with Beth's child seat.
"What happened to the porsche, papi?" Santana asked while pulling on her safe belt.
"I sold it to buy this car and another younger for your mom. We need to have a safer car for our family, do you know? You can't put Beth's seat in a porsche." Rachel took my hand and gave me a wink, as if to say that my daughter was fine. I never doubted it.
"How is she, Juan?" I asked.
"She is impossible, Quinn. Her energy never ends. I'm glad I've been hardened by Santana and Rachel, so I take it all in stride. Shelby complains because I'm not so strict like her. But I spent many years educating and disciplining Rachel and Santana... or at least preventing these two to not break the house. So now I give myself the right to spoil Beth a little bit."
"Papi, it's an outrage!" Rachel complained. "Who sees so could think we were one of those annoying and devilish kids."
"True. You aren't that devilish... but Santana... I was happy when she came alive at puberty."
"Papi!" Santana complained. "I'm right here."
My heart raced happy when I saw how tall and beautiful Beth was for a four years old. Her dark blond hair, like mina at her age, was cut at the shoulders, she had bangs, was dressed in a white t-shirt and a pink short and jacket. She ran alongside Lessie, the Labrador, throw the door and jumped on Santana's lap, hugging and kissing her older "sister". It was amazing how these two get along.
"Hey bunny!" Santana hugged her fondly. "I hear you making music in your little piano!"
"I made some awesome music. I play everyday to my friends. Wanna hear it?"
"Later, bunny... look over there." she pointed at me and Rachel. "Quinn and Rachel are waiting for your magical hug."
Beth politely hugged Rachel and then me. I knelt to receive more affection and held her little body next to mine. Shelby was already present in greeting her daughters. And then, she turned to me politely, as always. After pack up our stuff in the rooms which were still almost preserved, and lunch with the family before Juan had to go to work in the hospital, I dedicated my afternoon to stay in the yard playing with my daughter. Rachel spent time talking with her mother and I stood there, inside the pool house doing fake cookies with Beth and her dolls. Lessie, the dog, sometimes wanted attention and steal a toy just to us run after it. Santana arrived in bathrobe and bikini and started taking the protections of the pool. I was beginning to believe that Rachel was not exaggerating when she said that her sister was a frustrated mermaid. It was cold and I wouldn't have the courage to jump in the water, even though the pool was heated by the solar energy system on the poll house roof.
"Kim." Beth ran towards me. "Let's go swimming with Santy!"
"I don't have a bathing suit!"
"I have one that my aunt Maria gave to me that I never wear because it was kinda big and very ugly. It is in the top drawer of the dresser." Santana nodded gratefully.
The swimsuit was really ugly but it fit. I helped my daughter putting on her green bikini and the buoys in her arms before jumped in the water. It was delicious and warm. Santana and I were playing with Beth for, maybe, half hour, making my daughter jump from one lap to another. Being with her, play with her, was amazing. What a feeling! I have no patience with children that her age, but things change figure when it comes to my own daughter. We stayed playing in the water until Shelby called Beth to bath before dinner. Rachel approached and I found odd to see her in stuffed animal sweater after so long.
"You back to the time, Ray?" Santana laughed.
"Shelby asked us to take a look at the clothes because she wants to make some donations to the church. I saw this sweater and I couldn't resist... It was one of my favorites! I don't know why I didn't bring it to New York."
"But it will go to bag donations, right?" I asked fearfully. Rachel dressed well nowadays and she had absorbed the urban chic New York style. It would be awful if she had a sudden attack nostalgic with horrible clothes she wore in McKinley High.
"Actually..."
"Rachel Berry-Lopez, I swear the first thing I'll do is throw out that sweater like I did with the rest of your granny clothes!" I covered my mouth. I said too much. Santana slammed her hands on my shoulder before leaving the water.
"Now you are screwed, bitch."
I swear I did it for the good of my girlfriend. When we begin to be able to buy new clothes, I started to throw out her granny clothes one by one meanwhile I forbade Rachel to restock choosing something more usable. Every new cool clothes, a stuffed animal sweater "disappeared", and so it was a long process to remove all the atrocities from her wardrobe. Rachel always questioned me about the disappearances, but I played myself dumb or blamed Santana.
"In my defense, I did it for your own good. You are an actress, Rachel, and you need to dress better. Since we couldn't pay for a personal stylist, I made my research to help you."
"By lying to me and throw my stuffs away without my permission."
"That was a white lie, ok? And now you do dress better. See?"
Rachel put her hand on her waist and began to make a speech that frankly went in one ear and out in the other. I developed this defense mechanism every time I felt that Rachel would start using to many words. Sometimes I sang a song mentally.
"... is that clear, Miss Fabray?"
"Crystal clear!" I had no idea what she said.
I took a shower and realized that Rachel was still upset with me. I'd fix later. We went downstairs for dinner. One thing about the Berry-Lopez: they love to speak during meals and discuss a thousand different topics in five minutes. At that time, I was already very familiar with these family habits. Back home in New York, it was almost the same thing. My father was always very controlling the dialogue to the table. The Jones showed me another form of family relationship. The Berry-Lopez was like the Jones. At the end, Santana and Shelby were tidying up the kitchen. Rachel went upstairs and I followed.
"Sorry!" I said again.
"Seriously Quinn, were you so ashamed of me?"
"What? Of course not!" Oh God, what she said on the previously speech?
"Rach, is not like that. I always thought you adorable in your grandma dresses... that's how I fell for you. Except that we are in New York, you are starting a solid career in the theater and you weren't exactly willing to give up your old clothes..."
"Then you were ashamed!"
"No way, I wasn't, for God sake, Rachel. I was just helping you. I love see you in this ugly sweater, but it doesn't fit on how are you now. You grew up."
Rachel didn't answer. She just lay down on her old bed without talking to me for the rest of night.
…
Rachel gave me a cold shoulder, ignoring me most of time. Good for her that I spent a good time of Thanksgiving's eve in my mother's house. She was good, still drinking wine every day, but good. My mom said there was a new widower at his 60's in the church and they were knowing each other. I was glad that my mom found a date since she was so alone after I moved out. I didn't meet the guy, but he seems nice according her description.
Back to de Lopezes, I was truly intended to make out with Rachel, but I was denied for one more night. Sometimes my girl was so clod. She made me wait the morning, when I wake up with her in my arms. I kissed her neck and she didn't move away. That was the sigh that she was in the mood to finally make amends.
"Good morning, my lady." I kept kissing her: neck, shoulder, jaw, cheek, and then, her lips.
"Morning." She responded to my kisses.
"Am I forgiven?" I put myself in the top and started kissing her pulse point behind her ear while I felt her hands playing in my sides and back.
"For now…" We kissed in the mouth and our tongues started to dance for dominance.
"Good" My hands go south to lift her oversized I Heart Broadway t-shirt and Rachel didn't resist when I took it off. "Cause I'm dying to do stuffs." And I caressed her nipples with the tip of my middle finger until it hardened with my touch.
"Yeah?" She kissed my mouth once more before help me to take off my top tank and touch my breasts. "What kind of stuffs?"
"Stuffs." I was enjoying her touch. "Like turn lady Barbra on and allow her to help me play with your clit."
"Did you bring our little friends?" She seemed surprised.
"Only lady Barbra this time." She kept touching me, making me wet.
"Shame." She started caressing my lady part over my panties. "I would appreciate being fucked by you with your pink little Quinnie. I love when you thrust into me hard and fast, and make me your slut."
Every time Rachel started dirty talk in bed was a sigh that she wanted just a good fuck. Other else, she would say tender words or not talk at all while we make love. I loved all the ways: dirt talk fuck with my strap-on and toys, or slow sweet romantic love making with our fingers, kisses and special touches. Of course it took time before Rachel got comfortable with herself doing it. When I started talking dirty just to have fun right after I wear a strap-on for the first time, Rachel was shocked and didn't understand that it was just a sexual joke. But after a good conversation, she cooled down and played along.
"I can pump lady Barbra inside your little pussy fast and hard." I touched her inside her panties and I smiled feeling her wetness, just waiting for me. I started to play with her clit, rubbing it in gentle circles, making her beg for more. Rachel shivered and moaned. Then, I stopped. "But first you have to lick my pussy and drink all my juices as good slut you are. Then, I will fuck you senseless. You will scream my name so much that all your relatives will learn that I own their precious little girl."
"Do you want me on my knees, milady?"
"I'm too lazy to stand up. Just put your head between my legs."
So she got down on me. She took off my panties and I moaned when I felt her tongue on my folds. It was so good. But, suddenly, the door opened, Rachel moved fast and I panic. We didn't lock the door. We lost this habit when we moved into Astoria's apartment, since Santana never entered our room without knocking first and without authorization when the bedroom door was closed, and vice versa. Hence my panicked expression when Beth entered abruptly into our room and we only had time to cover our bodies.
"Rach, Kim! Come see... come see!"
Shelby came soon after apologizing.
"I've already talked a thousand times for this shorty to not enter the room of other people without knocking first." She was snapping Beth away and looking away. "Sorry, but Rachel, your Berry-side grandparents are downstairs. You better dress up and go downstairs. Your sister is already up. Well, sorry again, girls." And closed the door.
"That was close." I said still freaked out.
"I want to die. Do you think Beth saw us doing that?"
"I dunno, Rach. And I don't think she would understand. She was too excited to tell the news."
Our mood was ruined and we needed a cold shower before go downstairs. And that what we did together without funny business.
In ten minutes, Rachel and I went downstairs and found the family in front of the house, like a very interesting event had just happened. Rachel was hugging her grandparents as I approached Santana who looked fixedly at the new black Hyundai Tucson.
"Early birthday present." Santana said privately.
"Yours?"
"And Rachel's."
"Cool, but where we will park this car in New York?"
"At least we won't need to spend money on plane tickets to come to Lima."
"Well, it's a beautiful car."
"I know zaide. It's a trap. And soon I will find out."
Rachel seemed happy with her gift and Beth was very excited, as if it were hers. Santana's grandfather called her to talk privately while we gave attention to Rachel's grandmother. Sarah Berry was a very elegant, refined, such that no one would say that she was once poor and played jazz at night with her father mates to survive. I've seen the Berries four times now. In Hiram's funeral, when they let the New Directions girls stay in their home, when they went to New York to see Across The Universe, and now.
Sarah and Joel Berry know about Rachel and I, but I wasn't sure how well they got the news. Rachel said once that Joel accepted his son and Juan just when the twins born, and just because he fell in love with the babies. Sarah was the kind one, but I was a little scared of Joel, as if he would punch me in the face if I say something wrong.
"I didn't know why Juan had overthrown my Hiram's greenhouse." Sarah complained to Rachel and Shelby.
"It had no more sense to have the greenhouse, bubbee." Rachel said with a soft, thoughtful voice.
"Even so, it's weird. Your father loved his plants and flowers."
"What did you do to the plants?" I was curious. Rachel hardly talked to me about Hiram. She prefers discuss this subject with her sister and I understand why.
"We donate the rarest ones to OSU." Shelby said. "We gave the others as gifts to some Hiram's friends and to Sarah and Joel. But there are still three orchids in our garden. One of them is Santana's." Yes, I've seen the orchids but I've never had the courage to ask about them.
"That blue one." Rachel pointed. "Daddy named two orchids after us, but mine's died weeks after he passed out. Curious, isn't? Santana's stayed strong."
I understood why Santana always stare in front of the blue orchid as if she wanted to have a telepathic conversation with the plant. Maybe this was exactly what she did.
Beth ran through the yard with the Labrador. She smiled, screamed, ran while the dog barked and shook her ass with a rubber toy in its mouth. My thoughts drifted to watch my daughter acting like a normal, happy child, and I realized how much I envy her. I didn't remember having a childhood like that myself. Santana came out to the yard swinging the key to new car, but she didn't seem happy.
"Hey sweetie." She approached Beth. "Want a ride to the playground?" My daughter was thrilled and accepted. "Cool. How about you call Quinn and Rachel to come with us? The more people, the more fun, right?"
"Playground?" I questioned.
"I just need to get out of here for half an hour, okay?" Santana explained. "And you will be my alibi if I murder someone."
"Problems with your grandfather?"
"He wants to make decisions for me... but I don't want to talk about it."
I could imagine the conversation with the grandfather wasn't the best, mainly because Juan was out working, so Santana didn't had her father to control the situation. Looked like Juan was the only one at that house who face Joel. I understand why Santana avoided even talk with him, despite religiously send her semester performance to him.
"Ask mom to take your seat, bunny. Me, you, Rach and Quinn let's have fun while we leave the old ones fixing lunch."
"Santana!" Shelby called her daughter. "Where do you think you will take your little sister?"
"Relax Shelby, we'll just go to the park, ok? I bring her back before lunch. Don't worry."
"Can I bring my bike?"
"Bring it on!"
"Don't forget your helmet!" Shelby, as a good mother, warned.
The park near Carmel High was mine childhood place. I used to play on the swings and slides along some friends from church. I lived in other neighborhood, but that park was the closer home that was big enough to run, ride a bike and there was a space where kids used to play soccer. I remember seeing Rachel, Santana and Brittany playing with other kids from the neighborhood, but I couldn't be with them because the girls were the daughters of the fags and other kids weren't from my church community, so, they weren't good for me according my father. What a fool! Hiram and Juan were much better and more human parents than my father could ever be.
This would never happen with Beth, apparently. She dropped her little bicycle on the grass and ran off with the other kids who were there enjoying the meager sun. I was glad that she had the freedom to socialize that I've never had at her age. Rachel and I were caring like those attentive parents near to the playground. Santana was walking alone, probably to cool off.
"You're one of the Shelby's twins?" A woman approached.
"Yes?" Rachel replied kindly, but with doubt in his voice.
"Because I saw you with little Beth, and you looks like your mother." She reached out to introduce herself. "I'm Lilian White. Your mother and I are co-workers and Beth study with my youngest." She pointed to a redhead boy.
"My name is Rachel!" My girlfriend took the lead in the conversation. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. White."
"Oh, please, call me Lilian. Shelby told some stories about you and your twin sister. That you are on Broadway and your sister studies in Columbia."
"Yes, pretty much."
"By chance, is she that other girl? She is practically the female version of Dr. Lopez."
"Yes, that's my sister Santana."
"It's a beautiful peculiar family! Congratulations. Little Beth is a doll."
I couldn't help but notice that Lilian was staring at me and then looked away for Beth. Yes, my daughter looked like me, but her eyes and goofy smile was like Puck's. I felt she wanted to comment on something, but opted to keep her mouth shut. Sometimes I really loved the American "education", even though she would make comments with her friends later. It was the regular gossip network.
"Well, I won't bother you more. It was a pleasure Rachel. Say hi to your mother."
Rachel nodded politely and leaned lightly against my body. I discreetly passed my arm around her waist.
"She knows the band?" I laughed a little.
"I doubt. I wish we could offend a little all those mothers." Rachel whispered in my ear.
"Although I wish it too, it wouldn't be nice for Beth. I don't want her being bullied because her actress on Broadway sister has a girlfriend."
"Why not? It's not like she has a latino father, an Italian mother, and she is blond… oh wait." Rachel laughed.
My girlfriend treated it as a joke because she grew up on a multiracial family in special circumstances. But I didn't. Thinking of Beth being questioned about her parents' color skin bother me. It made me wonder when Shelby and Juan would tell Beth about the adoption and more: if they would tell her about how her mother really is.
Once Santana returned from her brief hike, we got back to the house with Beth still excited by the morning in the park. Juan was back from the hospital duty and he brought Miranda Lopez, the abuela, to Thanksgiving lunch. The family was there talking, smiling, and I was thinking and hoping about the day that Beth will know. Meanwhile, I was sure had a lot of things to be thank for.