Welcome to PAD's Life and Casualty policy.

Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Insurance Company.

I just need to purchase one of her riders.

Not So Jolly Green Cullen

Our food was delivered pretty quickly, but the wait gave me enough time to take a shower and do what Bella asked, which was to rid my fridge of its unsavory contents. I was a bit bummed about tossing the sperm—as I wanted to bring the collection into my organic chemistry lab to test the samples for subtle differences in their chemical compositions, given the fact that each time I jacked off it was a few hours after I ingested different food stuffs like beer, vodka, six boiled eggs, a quart of OJ, a few protein shakes, two pints of ice cream, and the like. I know it wasn't going to be a truly perfect scientific representation, but I wanted to gain some understanding of the changes in seminal fluid variants when ingesting certain things. I could see Bella's point, though; it was kind of gross after I thought about it.

I ordered copious amounts of Asian cuisine from a new restaurant specializing in super spicy dishes. Bella was thankful to just have her cashew chicken and peanut pork favorites along with her vegetable sides. I ordered saliva chicken,—yes, that is the real name because it forces your mouth to water—Hunan spicy beef, Hunan Gan guo with pork and shrimp, and Dan dan noodles. I ate dinner with the gallon of milk I bought last night right next to me on the kitchen table along with a box of Kleenex. I also had a workout towel wrapped around my neck to wipe my face and brow. That shit was so hot! Bella just sat back with a huge grin on her face, enjoying every bit of my self-imposed agony while she nibbled on her choices. As I'm sitting in class now, I remember her casual comments:

"Edward, why do you order such spicy food when, clearly, it pains you to eat it?"

I give her my reply.

"Bella, you fail to see the value of voluntary torture. It's building my character as well as probably putting some hair on my chest."

She gives me back her reply.

"Well, I suppose the character building could do you some good, but don't eat too much of it. I don't need to be vacuuming up Sasquatch all over the apartment.

"Cute." It's all I can muster to give her in rebuttal.

This day has really kicked my ass and my balls. I am so glad I slept with Bella last night, well not with Bella, but in her bed. I always need a decent night's rest before an exam, and even though there is only a quiz tonight, I'm glad I got sleep despite the pie and the spider. I'm shuddering just thinking about how that thing could still be lurking around in my room.

As I'm sitting here in my Intro to Film Studies class, I can't help but smile at Bella's attempts to tame my wild eating habits. Sometimes I order things I really abhor just because I like nettling her. This is really stupid and immature on my part because I experience the wrath twice: once when going in and then when coming out. Needless to say, I will be choosing the softer of the two couches we have in our living room to sit down on tomorrow and maybe the next day.

We are just about ready to start class. I took a seat all by myself to capture the attention of any interested girls. I have exceptional peripheral vision so I can easily assess which ones are checking me out. I sit by myself to also present an unassuming posture. If I were to just take a seat next to the hottest girl, I would come off as being too desperate or a real player. I need to let one come, and so she shall—if I'm on my game tonight.

I can handle three hours of class, but it's a bitch not being able to check my messages. If I can't score with anyone in here, I need a back-up plan in place. Our professor is a real hard-ass and actually docks people grade points for cellphone use in his class. I definitely don't want to diminish my perfect GPA for a little impatience. This is only our second session, so there should be a few fresh faces in here tonight courtesy of "adds and drops".

I give a quick glance to the door and pretend to be grabbing a pen out of my knapsack when my brain registers my challenge for the evening. A stunning redhead walks in with fiery flowing ringlets and sparkling sky blue eyes. I assess that she's 5'8", 130 lbs, and a 36 D…nice.

Ouch, I wince. The boy below my belt starts to take notice. Shit, evidently things still aren't quite right down there, but my flinching may be garnering some positive attention for my negative situation. I never really thought about it before, but playing this kind of sympathy card can definitely have its advantages.

She observes my discomfort and starts walking towards the empty seat next to me. Wow, this helplessness ploy really gets noticed; I have to remember this. I continue with my nonchalance towards her as she addresses me.

Catch

"Is this seat taken?"

"No, not at all, here, let me move my stuff." I continue to lay-on my pain face as I lift my book bag."

"Oh, what happened; are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I had to climb a stepladder this morning to kill a smoke detector, but while I was doing it, I slipped and ended up falling and straddling the ladder at the same time."

She clenches her teeth and scrunches her eyes acknowledging my predicament.

"Oh, you poor thing!"

"I'm fine, really, though I'm a little tender."

"Well, Little Tender, I'm Orri, short for Victoria. It's nice to meet you."

I choke a bit at her words and grab a cough drop to cover her perceiving me to be off guard.

I wonder if Orri gives good oral.

"Actually my name is Edward, but I can assure you there is nothing miniscule about me."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Run

I quickly redirect our conversation, as I can't appear too eager. I ask her about the syllabus and whether she purchased the text. She indicates to me that she's already seen the movie but hasn't bought the book yet so I let her speed read my text and check out my notes. We'll have to discuss the movie we watched last week before taking our quiz tonight.

As she's reading, she's twirling her hair, giving a clear sign she's interested, and I catch a whiff of what I assume—judging by the visible bottle in her bag—is her Burberry scent as it wafts towards me. It's pleasant enough, and she really does "rock her goods," though something is off. She definitely doesn't smell as good as Bella. Bella smells delicious without even trying - like something akin to chocolate, vanilla, and cinnamon. God, my mouth is watering just thinking about her; she's like a giant cookie. Reflecting on last night, I think I remember actually licking her because she smelled like one. Bella's bed was really nice and comfortable, too. I especially liked cuddling with her and haven't done that since we were sophomores in high school when we went winter camping in a tent but ended up shivering our asses off. Maybe we can do that again sometime – the cuddling and the camping, not the shivering.

"Are you in there?"

"Huh?" Orri is waving her hand in front of me.

"I think I lost you for a minute."

"Sorry. I just got a little distracted thinking about my roommate and what I have to do tomorrow."

"Well, tomorrow is tomorrow; do you have any plans for tonight?"

Please hold your applause until the ceremony is over. Disabled Cullen is a genius.

"No, I don't really have any plans. There are a few parties I could check out, but it's kind of been a long day, and I don't think I should do any serious walking tonight."

"If you're interested, I wouldn't mind showing you my appreciation for lending me your assistance, and I promise to be very gentle."

Score

"That's really not necessary; I'm just glad to help out. I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you."

"No, I would definitely not feel like I was being taken advantage of, and besides, I always pay my debts."

"Well, in that case, I guess I can't say no without offending you."

"You guess correct."

We continue on with our class, the discussion, and our quiz. Orri and I are both pretty sure we aced it. I agree to follow her to her place, citing that my room is undergoing reconstruction and preparation for vacuuming and shampooing tomorrow, which earns me further brownie points with her.

I pull up to her quad complex and hold open her car door. She shows her appreciation by kissing me on the cheek.

"You're such a gentleman."

"What can I say? My parents raised me well."

I also grab her main door, man the elevator, and use her room keys.

"It isn't much, but it is home for now at least until the end of the semester."

"It's nice." It's simple and adequate enough for a college year, but I can't help but think of how Bella's really made our place so much more like a home as opposed to an apartment or a dorm room and am really thankful for that.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"Sure, whatever you're having will be fine."

"Is vodka okay? I have grapefruit, cranberry, or orange juice."

"Orange juice is great."

She pours me a sixteen-ounce drink and makes one for herself, and judging by the liberal use of her bottle of Smirnoff Blue, both appear to be very strong. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care, but I really don't want to get drunk and attempt to drive home tonight, nor do I want to be even mildly hung over to work on my room with Bella tomorrow.

Don't get me wrong; I really want some action. Orri's very beautiful, but for some reason, I feel conflicted as my heart is not really into this tonight. I'll just see where things go….

I'm seated on her couch and take a few sips of my drink while she downs about half of hers. She peels off her sweater, unclasps her bra and grabs both of my hands placing them onto her breasts. She then yanks my belt buckle and tears into my trinity ... so much for foreplay. I'm still sore, but I play through the pain. She starts kissing my lips while she's jerking me off. Her other hand starts grabbing and clawing at my hair ... so much for gentle. Son of a bitch, that hurts. I try to concentrate on extracting some pleasure from this escapade but am finding it increasingly difficult to enjoy. I grasp her nipples sharply in retribution, but this just spurs her on even more. I try to focus on niceties like how Bella ran her fingers so gently across my scalp last night, but unexpectedly, Orri tries to vault me like I'm a pommel horse and lands squarely on my all-parts-male.

"Ahhhhhhh, fuck that hurts!"

I pick her up by her waist and plop her down on the couch trying to gain some control over my agony. It hurts every bit as much as it did early this morning, maybe even more. My eyes are watering like crazy, and I think I even see stars. I can barely breathe. She starts kissing me again, and I've had enough.

"Orri, you're very beautiful, and if I wasn't in so much pain I wouldn't hesitate to continue this. I'm sorry; I really have to go."

"Oh come on, Edward, spend the night; I'll behave."

She gives me this she-devil incarnate look as I observe she's now sporting some sinfully-almost-non-existent panties in addition to her perfect D's. I'm so torn, but I have to leave. This woman is clearly dangerous.

"I can't. I may even need to go to the infirmary." I'm not kidding about this either.

I take a deep breath and tuck in my junk. I'm almost afraid of zipping but am more fearful of arrest for flashing.

"Edward, come on, at least let me give you a blowjob."

"Thank-you, no; I don't think I'm up for it, and I'm sorry it didn't work-out tonight."

There is no way this succubus is getting her mouth anywhere near that part of me. She's liable to bite it off.

"Well, if I can't change your mind, I hope you'll give me a rain check."

"Sure." At this point I'll say anything just to get out of here.

I give a brief peck on her lips and hobble out the door. Thankfully, she let me and isn't holding me hostage. Next week, I am definitely sitting next to a guy in class; I don't care what kind of looks I get.

I gingerly climb into the Volvo and begin driving.

The pain is excruciating, so I decide to stop at 7-Eleven and grab a bag of Green Giant frozen peas.

I see our building and say a silent prayer in thanks that somehow I managed to get home.

I pull into the driveway with all relief wiped clean.

Huh, that's a car I haven't seen before, and Bella's truck isn't here.

I try to use my key, but the door is unlocked. Bella always locks the door when she usually goes out for just one drink on Thursday nights. I go in very quietly and grab my baseball bat in the umbrella stand from behind the door. I creep around the living room corner and flick the light switch.

In one sudden movement, I'm blinded but certain of what I see.

Bella is on the couch, making out with some guy.

The next thing I realize is that a rapid, burly blur is flying towards me.

Quarterbacks rarely get hit this hard.

I'm not ready for it nor am I padded.

My solar plexus collapses.

I can't breathe. My head hurts. My lights dim.

I think I'm going to need another bag of peas.

A/N:

Send our boy some reviews, love and concern. I think he's going to need it.

Special thanks goes to Chayasara, my beta extraordinaire, for perfecting my mess.

Special thanks to Monica Solis, a.k.a. CaliGirlMon on FFN, for making my banner.

Mwah!

Thank you for reading.

PAD