Welcome to PAD's Patron-less Bar.

Stephenie Meyer operates the Twilight Liquor Commission.

I just want her to grant me a permit so I can fill it up.

Thank you goes out to my faithful reviewers: acw1, Mercyus, Katherine1753, Rita01tx, Sunflower Fran, LadyOracle1, Daphodill, ilive2read, and StaceyW66 who have given me much encouragement and a lot of smiles.

The Cullen Conundrum

Whew. I can't believe the day I've had. Usually, I'm well equipped to deal with any antic of Edward's, but today was especially trying. Even though I start class at nine o'clock tomorrow morning, I think I might just break my one-drink-on-Thursday-night rule and imbibe a little more this evening.

I decide I have enough time before I go out to do the curtains, and while they are washing, I'll have time to Swiffer the kitchen walls, ceilings, and cabinets. I should probably Febreeze the living room, too, even though we just shampooed in there. Just before leaving, I'll toss the curtains in the dryer and turn up the heat to get the rest of the dampness out of the rug and couch cushions.

I told Rose and Alice I'd meet them at our usual hangout. I just want to let loose a bit and revel in the fact that Edward didn't burn out our apartment or get us evicted. I really am thankful for that miracle, but given my dry streak, I would not have objected to a rescue from one of those hot Seattle firefighters, even though he would have only had to carry me out the front door, as we thankfully live on the first floor. Luckily, the smoke was contained just to us, but I'll do some extra baking for our neighbors upstairs anyway just to keep the peace in case they were put out by some funky air or the blaring alarm.

I love the Victorian apartment we live in with its huge windows and high ceilings. It has lots of room, too, but that's not necessarily a good thing, especially when someone like Edward takes additional liberties to acquire stuff to fill it up. We still have to tackle his bed, clothes, and closet, but he assured me he would be up for the challenge.

I am just pulling in to "Viol Rut", the place we're meeting at. I shake my head each time I see it. The shop responsible for the signage screwed up the spelling and painted in an "o" instead of an "a", but the owner just kept it. I muse inwardly every time I see it for two reasons. The first is that it is an anagram for Volturi. The second is because of what the words convey: vial/viol (aside from viol pertaining to a bowed stringed instrument) is Middle English for a small closed vessel for liquids like a flask, whereas, "rut" ordinarily pertains to a monotonous routine or worn track. However, what's funny to me is the fact that rut's primary definition means a period when mammals are sexually excited, especially those of male deer, or bucks. In sum, "Viol Rut" is a drinking establishment where easily aroused men hang out.

I see the vintage yellow Carrera, signaling that Alice and Rose are already here. They sort of have a thing going on between them right now, but I suspect they truly aren't gay but are merely experimenting. I met them both in different classes last semester and know them well enough to have learned that they've each had numerous boyfriends but have been quite dissatisfied with all things of that gender lately, citing that the university ought to offer guys classes on sexually pleasuring women. With the large number of ancient, waspy males on the college's curriculum review committee and the old, stale administrators on the approval board, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I make eye contact with the girls as soon as I enter the bar. They are actively engrossed in tasting each other's lip glosses but not from the original respective containers, and it appears as though Rose and Alice have amassed a very interested male audience as a result of it. In other words, they've garnered the attention of many horny bucks.

I called them about five minutes ago, so they could already have a round waiting for me, which I can see that they do. I know what you are thinking—Shame on you, Bella—for calling or texting while driving. I assure you that I do no such thing. Edward made sure that I would not be technologically disadvantaged in having the antiquated Chevy truck that I still own, so he bought me a new stereo with Bluetooth in it for my birthday, so I could pipe in my iPhone and not have to worry about breaking the law, having an accident, or missing anyone's call when dealing with my cell. He can be really sweet like that and surprises me from time to time with his thoughtfulness.

I love that he is so random sometimes, too, and just picks me up whatever he locks onto at the moment. If he goes past a thrift store or garage sale, he looks for early edition fiction he knows I would like or interesting ephemera like old movie or concert posters I can frame. Other times, he finds me bizarre hats, scarves, or handbags I can wear. If he sees an unusual ethnic grocery or offbeat health food store, he'll buy me unique foods and spices to experiment with. He knows I love rare flowers and plants as well, and that I collect interesting succulents for a little stone garden on our patio out back. When he goes to the beach, he picks up the prettiest polished rocks. He's especially observant of ones shaped like hearts and has brought me back at least a dozen of them.

It's funny, but Edward just understands me. I mean, Jasper does, too, but I think things just click better between the two of us. I guess we've spent so much time together that we pretty much know what the other is thinking. One thing about Edward is his attention to specificity. One would think that as disorganized as he appears, he would be scattered; on the contrary, though, he's actually quite methodical. I don't know how his brain compartmentalizes stuff, but he has incredible recall of just about everything he has ever read, discussed, seen, or heard down to the finest detail. It's pretty amazing.

"Hey, guys."

"Hey, girl," they reply in unison.

Just like her, Rose starts with the line of questioning.

"So, what's up, Bella? Things must be pretty bad on the roommate front for you to be out so early and have us order you a shot of Patron with a mojito and a margarita."

Lick…salt…shot…suck…sip…

I started my salvation ritual with the shot of Silver Patron, salt, and lime and then sipped my margarita.

"Let's just say I've had an interesting twenty-four hours."

Alice pipes up, "Come on girl, share the goods."

The girls haven't met my roommate yet and keep pestering me about the "Conundrum of Edward Cullen". Maybe I'll invite them over on Sunday. Edward mentioned something about Jasper and Emmett—Edward's brother—coming over to hang out.

I proceed to retell the events of how Edward destroyed my pie, almost molested me, nearly burned down the apartment and could be harboring a new species in his room, all in lurid detail….

Rose, the quipster she is, chimes in …. "And he's still alive? Bella, I would have killed him or at least given him some serious bodily harm. You're a saint!"

"Well, I did pull his facial hair and smack him around a bit, but I don't think it daunted him that much, as he seems to enjoy it when I do things like that to him."

Alice has sat back until now and begins with her carefully composed philosophical comments.

"Syrus said, 'Amans, sicut fax, agitando ardescrit magis': A lover, like a torch, burns brighter when shaken."

"Huh?" Rose and I question at the same time.

"However, I think Virgil said it best. ' Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo': If I can't move Heaven, I'll raise Hell."

"Alice, what are you talking about?" I blurt.

"Don't you get it, Bella? You are Edward's heaven."

I feel panic starting to creep in. I've already finished my margarita and am halfway done with the mojito; I flag down the waitress for another round for myself. Edward can't care for me in that way, can he? What will this mean for us? We're best friends. Things could get really awkward. How do I feel about it or about him? I mean I love him but like a brother. Do I feel anything more? Well, it was really nice cuddling with him, and he smells scrumptious - all musky and woody and sweet. He did a great job vacuuming and shampooing. He, at least, tried to do the dishes. He's incredibly intelligent, and with the right direction, he's highly trainable. It feels pretty wonderful when he crushes himself into me with his all-enveloping hugs. I love his laughter and his smile; they're so infectious. He's quite sincere and does some truly considerate things for me. He's the epitome of handsome with that gorgeous face and graspable body. His rubicund hair and quetzal-colored eyes create the perfect balance of complementary colors. Could I see myself being with Edward in that way…?

Oh Shit!…Alice has to be wrong. She'll see that we have absolutely no chemistry between us ….

I nearly rip my drinks out of the waitress' hands. "Thanks." I offer up to her.

Lick…salt…shot…suck…sip

"Whoa girl. Take it easy." Rose warns.

"I'm good." Actually I'm not, but I try not to let on. "Hey, are you girls busy this Sunday around two o'clock? Do you feel like coming over? Edward's going to be there along with our friend Jasper. Emmett, Edward's brother, will also be there. They usually just come over to chill and eat. I usually cook way more than the guys polish off, and I know you've been dying to meet Edward and are just as curious about Jasper."

"Well it's about time, Bella." Rose barks.

"Yeah, I was wondering whether we were ever going to meet the infamous Cullen man-boy," Alice adds.

I'm so confused right now. The alcohol is not helping to clear my brain any, but I don't need to be thinking about how fucked up this situation could turn out to be if Alice's observations are right. Tonight, I don't want to think.

I finish the next margarita and start working on the mojito.

"Excuse me."

The sound isn't female, and I look up towards the words directed at me. Holy Shit! There's a deep male voice talking to me attached to a large, hot body. It's not Edward, but it's hot enough to make me forget about Edward for the time being. The body's got short black hair, is exceedingly tall, and extremely muscular. It also has a Mediterranean skin tone, very dark eyes, and is quite good looking. He's wearing a gray button-down shirt and grey stone-washed jeans. Yum! Who needs Seattle firefighters?

"I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. I thought you might be a friend of mine from high school, but I can see that you're not. Actually, you're a lot prettier than her. I'm sorry I interrupted you." The voice had me at prettier, and alcohol starts talking through me.

"Wait, what's your hurry?" God, I don't believe I just said that.

"I'm in no hurry; it just seems like you ladies are having a good time, and I don't want to be rude and intrude." The hunk speaks.

Again with no sieve, "No, no you're not interrupting us. I'm Bella; this is Rose, and that's Alice."

"Good evening, ladies. I'm Felix. Demetri, the owner here, is my cousin."

I spit out the last swig of my margarita and grab a cocktail napkin. What are the odds of a Felix and a Demetri both working in an anagrammatized Volturi lair?

"Take it easy, Bella," Felix offers as he pats me on the back. Whoa, he is really strong. I bet he could throw me through a wall if he wanted to.

"Yeah, I'm good. My drink just went down the wrong way." I'm shaken and stirred and starting to really feel the effects of the alcohol.

I introduce Felix to the girls, and they exchange their 'Heys' and nods.

Felix orders us all another round on him, and I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm really going to feel like shit tomorrow. This is going to be the last wave for me, as I haven't had enough downtime to space out the alcohol.

Lick…salt…shot…suck…sip

Say that ten times fast; I muse to myself. I actually try it silently and can't get my words right.

"Lick … sholt ... sot … shuck … ship." Ooops! I said that out loud.

Giggle, snort.

"Ouch, I got mojito up my nose."

Everyone's laughing at my show, but at this point I don't care.

Felix continues talking, and we find out he's a bouncer at Breaking Down, which is a new dance club that just opened. (Breaking Down…Hah! Can this night get any stranger?) Felix said he came here tonight to help Demetri out, but it's been kind of slow so he clocked out.

I'm getting that sudden impatience I get when I drink a little too much. I know I need to leave soon, so I can get up for class tomorrow. I stand up but start to fall over.

"Whoopsie." I fall right over onto Felix's lap with my black leather mini-skirted ass proudly on display.

He helps to right me back up on my wobbly four-inch heels and places me back into my seat. I adjust my blue silk blouse so parts of me are not falling out, then grab Alice's full glass of water and chug it.

"Are you okay, Bella?" the charming voice says.

"Yeah, I'm okay (Actually, I'm far from it), but I need to get home so I can go to class tomorrow."

"Bella, you're not driving anywhere, girl; you are trashed." Rose berates.

Stubborn Sober Bella gets fairly defensive and grabs Stubborn Sober Bella's purse.

"We'll see about that." I take out my trusty breathalyzer, push the button, and watch the countdown.

When I hear the beep, I know it's ready. I blow and wait for two more beeps before I stop. I look for the red numbers.

.13

"Shit."

I search my apps and pull up the one which assesses my blood alcohol content or BAC for short. It's going to take me another four hours…

Hiccup.

before I'm legal enough to drive home.

It will then take another…

Hiccup.

eight and one half hours before all of the rum and tequila is completely out of my system. Edward not only put an app on my phone so I wouldn't have to figure the math while I was drinking, but he actually bought me the breathalyzer for Christmas. He's such a nice tomcat. I want to pet him.

"Felix, would you be able to drive Bella home?" Alice asks.

I feel the room getting a little wavy.

"Sure, that would be no problem; how far away do you live?"

Uh, I'm on seven-second delay now. My mouth wants to answer, but Rose has the faster buzzer.

"She lives about ten minutes from here," Rose adds.

"Bella, do you want us to follow you with your truck, so you don't have to come back here?"

"No, thaz okay. You twoz are goin' the other way; I don't want to put youz out. I'll get it tmorrow."

"Okay, Bella. Take good care of her, Felix." Alice says.

"We'll see you on Sunday, Bella." Rose adds.

"Tht'll be fiiiiiinnne."

"Come on Bella. We need to get you home safely," Felix advises.

I feel a huge meaty hand cup around my waist hiccup and I feel like I'm walking on air. Wait, giggle, I am walking on air because Felix isn't letting my feet touch the ground, hiccup.

He buckles me into the passenger seat and closes the door of his Denali. Snort. (More Twilightreferences; this is too funny, but it's nice car.)

I eye him while he's driving. He called me pretty; he's pretty too, but I still think Edward's prettier. Felix is big but looks even bigger in his car as well as appearing super strong; I bet he could throw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and it wouldn't even bother him.

My brain is conveying that my thoughts are all over the place, but my body is telling me that I'm getting really horny. I take my shoes off, turn myself sideways, and start rubbing Felix's thighs. I may have just grazed that sensitive part of his anatomy as he's starting to breathe deeply and squirm in his seat. Naughty Bella; you're being such a tease. I pull my legs away and decide to curl into his shoulder. He tenses up a bit, but then relaxes. I nuzzle further into him. He smells good too, but not as good as Edward. If Edward was sleeping in my bed tonight, I'd devour him…lick him from head to toe. Mmmmmmmmm

I guess I nodded off because Felix has to nudge me a bit.

"Bella, do you live around here?"

"Um, yeah, (I shake out of my haze) that's it over there, two more houses up."

He pulls in my driveway, opens my door, unclips my seatbelt, and escorts me out carefully to make sure I can stand. My itty-bitty power nap gives me a second wind. He walks me to my door, and by some miracle, I get my key in on the first try. Giggle. I wonder if he can get his key in on the first try. I'm still frisky, and I don't want this night to end yet. I deserve this. Edward's out whoring around; why can't I?

I turn to thank Felix. I look up at him and decide to just go for it. I put my hand around his neck and pull him down for a kiss. My teeth crash into his, and I hope the dull throb I feel is just from the impact and not a chipped tooth. My lips start biting and sucking his. He starts doing the same. Shit, his mouth is so big; it's like he's swallowing me whole. He's a large mouth bass to my tiny minnow. I can't breathe. I suck his tongue really hard so he'll let go, but it backfires because now he's sucking mine. I guess he likes it rough. I yank on his hair and moan for him to let me go, but he gets the wrong idea and just pushes me into him harder. Okay, Bella. This is the last weapon in my arsenal. I drop my hand and claw at his cock. That was the wrong decision. Felix picks me up and throws me over his shoulder. He pushes his way through the front door and makes it to the living room. God, it's fucking hot in here. That's right; I turned the heat up. He plops me down onto the couch. Once my head stops spinning, I get up to turn down the thermostat. Although a part of me thinks this is a bad idea, I'm still a heated mess. I would also be lying if I said I wasn't interested in taking more than a peek at the invitation he has covered up in his jeans.

I've decided that I have no judgment left, so I climb onto his lap. Our mouths now decide to reengage, but the kissing is more subdued; good, he's letting me lead. I break us away from our lips and move us towards necks, chins, cheeks and lobes. I have managed to unbutton his shirt, and he has managed to do the same to mine as we continue our assault on one another. Felix pulls away my blouse and leaves me in my black strapless bra. I've just finished peeling back his collar and wrestling with his sleeves. I never realized how much effort it takes to undress a beefy guy. He reaches around my back with both hands and unclasps my bra. I've just managed to undo his belt buckle and am heading towards the zipper….

All of a sudden, the living room light flicks on. In a momentary haze, Felix springs me up off his lap, puts me on the couch and dives, full bore at … Edward?

Oooommmphhhh. Thud

The floor just violently shook at ground level, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't an earthquake. I think I've just completely sobered up. Felix has Edward pinned, and I think Edward's out cold.

"Oh my God! Edward! Felix stop! Stop! That's my roommate!" I race towards Edward, not even caring I'm now topless and still in a leather miniskirt. I kneel on the floor next to him and check to see if he's breathing. Thank God, he is. I open his eyelids to see if they respond to light. Thank God, they do.

"Your roommate, you live with a guy?"

"Yeah, he's my best friend."

"Oh really?"

I don't like his tone or his line of questioning, and I don't need flak from some guy I just met only to have him go all possessive on me after a few drinks and a ride home. This ends now!

"Thank you for the drinks and the ride home, Felix. I'm sorry this didn't work out, but now I think you should leave."

"What the hell, Bella. I defend you against an intruder and you usher me out the door?"

"As much as I appreciate your noble efforts, this is his apartment, too, and I don't think it's wise for you to be here when Edward wakes up."

I pick up his shirt and my bra at the same. I quickly slip my bra back on while I push him out the door. I give him a kiss on the cheek, and he actually has the nerve to look put out. I now lock the front door I should have locked in the first place and turn back towards Edward. He is still out cold.

Oh my God, I've got to call Carlisle. I drop to the carpet next to Edward and go to grab Edward's phone out of his pocket because it's easier than me digging for mine in my purse. Oh no, he's unconscious and he just peed himself; this is not good. I reach in his pocket for his phone. Wait…The material is cold. I loosen his belt, undo his zipper, and pull away his pants. Peas… Edward must still be hurting; either that or things didn't go well for him tonight.

I find Carlisle's number and hit send.

Edward's dad, Carlisle, is an ER doctor who routinely deals with this. He was also the team doctor when Edward was in high school on the football team. Edward's taken hits before, but because he was a quarterback, he rarely got injured in this way.

Ring, ring, ring, ring

"Hello?"

"Carlisle, this is Bella. Thank God you're not on duty at the hospital. Edward went to class tonight, came home and was tackled by my date, who didn't realize Edward was my roommate. Edward's out cold right now, and I'm afraid to move him. He's breathing, and I checked his pupillary response to light, but he's still unconscious.

"Bella, do you have any smelling salts or something with a strong odor like vinegar or ammonia."

"Yeah, I do."

I ran to the kitchen and rummaged under the sink. I grabbed the ammonia, poured some into a cup, ripped off a paper towel and raced back to Edward. I put Carlisle on speakerphone. I dabbed the paper towel into the ammonia and placed it under Edward's nose.

"I see his nose wrinkle, Carlisle."

"Keep it there under his nose, Bella, but secure his forehead with your other hand to keep him from thrashing."

Edward starts trying to turn his head and begins to complain.

He's starting to bat the paper towel away.

"Okay, Bella, hang up and dial me again using Face Time."

"All right."

I do as Carlisle says and put him on Face Time. I just get Carlisle back up on Edward's phone when Edward starts talking to me.

"Ou...ch. My head hurts…My stomach hurts…My balls hurt…. Bella, everything hurts."

"I know, Edward, but try to stay still for me okay?"

"Okay."

He sounds so weak. I hate seeing and hearing him like this.

"Son, do you think you can pinpoint your pain for me?"

"Um, yeah, Dad; give me a minute."

Edward is struggling to stay still to regain his thoughts.

"I think I took the impact on my lambdoid suture."

I know this area from anatomy in high school. Edward and I were both in the same class. This is the middle part of the back of the head.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Carlisle."

"Do you have any books with just pictures of images without any captioning?"

"Yeah, let me go get one, and Edward, don't move."

"Yes, ma'am."

I smile my first smile since Edward's gotten hurt. His sense of humor and politeness are good signs.

I find an American photography book and start showing Edward the pictures. I strategically place Edward's phone so Carlisle can see as well to judge Edward's responses. Edward correctly names everything I display to him: presidents, places, animals, plants. Satisfied with this, Carlisle assesses Edward's extremities to detect any paralysis. Again, it appears as though Edward is fine.

"I think you'll be okay, son."

Carlisle's words detach the cart from my horse. I feel a huge burden lifted.

"Son, do you think you can stand up now?"

"Yeah, Dad"

I put my arm under Edward's shoulders and mid-back, supporting his weight. I get him to sit up for a minute to see if he's dizzy. He seems okay. I stand and grab Edward's hand to pull him gently upward. He sways a bit but manages to stand.

"How do you feel, son?"

"Um, my head hurts, but I don't have any flashing lights or double vision. I think I'll be okay."

"That's good, son. Bella, would you mind checking in on Edward? Get him an icepack or two. Please try to wake him a few times tonight to check his pupils and cognition, and give him some ibuprofen for pain and swelling. If Edward has any leftover Percocets, he may take one or two of those if he really needs to, as well. If there's any change in his condition, call me.

"Thank you so much, Carlisle."

"You're welcome, Bella. Be good for Bella, son. Don't give her any grief or aggravation."

"I think she's already had enough of that today from me. I'll be good for her, Dad."

"Goodnight, you two."

"Goodnight, Carlisle."

"Goodnight, Dad."

Edward ends the call on his phone and starts heading towards his room, but I stop him. I feel myself starting to have an emotional meltdown and start to cry.

"Edward, I am so sorry. I had no idea you had even come home. Felix bolted towards you so quickly that I didn't even see what he was doing. Please forgive me."

"Come here, Bella."

I walk over to him, and he already has his arms stretched out for me. He doesn't have to say he forgives me because I know he already does. He hugs me close, but I feel like I should be comforting him instead.

"Edward, I want you to sleep in my bed tonight, so I can keep an eye on you."

Edward pulls back from hugging me.

"I'll do it on one condition."

"What's that?"

"Will you wear what you still have on now?"

Ordinarily, I'd really lay into him for a request of that nature involving me in a black strapless bra and a leather miniskirt, but I may just like what he's asking. Right now, though, I'm a little too overwhelmed to contemplate it.

"Sure, why not?"

He gives me that glorious crooked smirk and heads down the hall.

I'll join him shortly after I grab some icepacks and a few water bottles, but not before saying a silent prayer in thanks that we both survived this day and did so still continuing to be best friends. I don't know how our own events of today will play out tomorrow, but I do know that the conundrum of Edward Cullen is not so mysterious to me anymore, after all.

A/N:

Reviews are like Bella's shots.

Please, pour me some.

Special thanks goes out to my beta, Chayasara, for whipping this into shape.

Special thanks to Monica Solis, a.k.a. CaliGirlMon on FFN, for making my cute banner.

Mwah!

Thank you for reading.

PAD