Welcome to PAD's access cable program.

Stephenie Meyer owns the entire Twilight network.

I just want to borrow some of her airspace.

Pineapple Upside-Down Cullen

As soon as Bella leaves, I'm back in my room. God, I totally forgot about the puke in the bag and was so totally thankful that, not only did Bella not kick my ass but for some unknown reason she still wants to be with me. I wasn't kidding when I told her how messed up Jazz and I got that night. The vomit wasn't the only form of bodily fluids in there. I remember laughing so hard about so much stupid shit, I think I peed on myself while in my psychedelically induced haze. But of course, Bella didn't need to know that. Jasper and I were looking at hilarious Jackass-type stuff on You Tube, that thankfully we decided not to act upon, and couldn't contain ourselves. The mushrooms only made that stuff even funnier. Everything was so hilarious, I think I cried my tear ducts clean as nothing even came out after a while. And my stomach muscles were so sore the next day, I felt as if I had done a few thousand sit-ups. I think we just passed out after that. I know I had extremely fucked-up dreams all night with dragons, castles, and wizards. I think Harry Potter even tried to come on to me in my sleep. It was some weird prep school androgynous shit. I think it was prompted by the fact that we nodded off during a "Potterthon" on cable, which would explain it. I know at some point I woke up and saw Jazz sleeping with his earbuds on and porn playing on my Macbook, and I wouldn't even be a bit surprised if Jazz's jizz were among the other bodily fluids on that blanket. In retrospect, I can certainly understand Bella's horrification. Damn, now that I think about it, that shit was pretty gross.

I've really made a lot of progress on my room. All of my dirty clothes are bagged and in Bella's truck. My clean ones are either hung up in my closet or folded up half-assed in one of my dressers. I'm anxious for Bella to actually show me how to fold stuff correctly when we go to the laundromat tomorrow. Hmm… Bella and washers and dryers…

During my last trip outside to put my clothes in her truck, I realized I had to say goodbye to the girls one last time. Initially, I carefully placed the bag in one of the corners of her truck where it wouldn't get buried, and I could get at it easily. I knew I would want to have a few parting thoughts after Bella left, and now it's time. I opened the bag as it were taboo. I knew I shouldn't be doing this because I actually felt guilty, as if I were cheating on Bella. But I couldn't resist. Almost as if this were a rite of passage, I pulled each fine piece of lingerie out and fondled those cups reverently, reminiscing each encounter. It didn't matter whether some girls just handed me their articles without me getting my hands on parts of them. It also didn't matter if I were actually lucky enough to touch what was being supported. What mattered was this: I would never collect any of these ever again, meaning I could never touch another set of breasts other than Bella's.

Oh, what have I gotten myself into? Can I handle this? Am I strong enough? Is Bella worth it?

In my quiet reflection, my inner monologue understood this moment and began playing "Taps." I think my eyes even misted a bit. Although I'm mourning the loss of my youth and of my bachelorhood, I don't regret in the least what I'm getting into. I love Bella, and if I want to make things work between us, I have to accept growing up.

I surmised I've been out here long enough and don't need the neighbors looking out of their windows thinking deviant thoughts about me and my fetishes. With a heave of my heart, a twist of black plastic and a zip of a yellow tie, this chapter of my life is now closed. I have a beautiful girl who for some unknown reason is willing to put up with my crazy, funky, messy ass, and I'd be the dumbest guy on this planet if I didn't recognize what she is offering me. I scope out our lot before raising my right hand above my brow in send-off giving a quick salute as if to say thanks for the memories before making my way back inside.

Once back indoors, I grab my iPhone and text my mom. She agrees to Facetime me at around 7:30, which is good because I'll have enough time to vacuum my room, shampoo the rug, and take a shower before then.

Now that I've removed all of my clothes, spent alcohol bottles, empty energy drink cans and additional forms of shit, junk, and garbage from my room, it feels pretty good in here. I'm not tripping on stuff and stubbing my toes, and I think I will actually be able to the find things I'm looking for. As I vacuum, I stop to pick up all of the loose change. There must be at least fifty dollars here, which is serendipitous in a way because I will probably need every bit of it to do laundry tomorrow. I also find a dozen girls' earrings, four necklaces, an eyebrow post, two belly button rings, three bracelets, and a tongue ring, the tongue ring—yeah, I remember that night. Chelsea was so hot, and when she went down on me, that thing that she did with her...Don't go there, Cullen. I have Bella now. We can make our own kinky memories; that's the digression I should be focusing on. Kinky memories with Bella, hmm…

Before I know it, not only is my room vacuumed but also shampooed. I don't even recall where the time went. If I had known that housework was this good in providing a platform for daydreaming and fantasizing, I would have taken up these kinds of chores a long time ago. The consolation is this; if Bella shoots me down tonight, at least I have a lot of shit worked out for my spank bank.

I give my room a good once-over. My bed is made with a brand new comforter and sheets. Everything is put away, and I even Lemon-Pledged. The space really looks clean, maybe even cleaner than when we first moved in. It smells especially nice too. I give myself a fist pump because I feel like a man for once instead of a chump that has to go begging to Bella to get her to do my shit. Maybe I can put some scented candles in here like the brand new ones mom got me for Christmas, but I won't use any of those super smelly girly-stuff ones. Sandalwood or musk or something similar ought to do it. With my luck though, I had better not light them until Bella comes home. With my room being so clean now, I hope Bella will want to sleep in here tonight. I guess I should be hoping that Bella will want to sleep with me at all. I shouldn't count chickens, look in horses' mouths, rely on the Cullen charm, or my great acting abilities. This is Bella. I just need to be me.

Maybe I'll get lucky tonight, and that's what it will be if I'm fortunate enough. Every time I think about what's happened in the last few days, I can't believe we're together—that we're going to try this. When she told me she wanted to try this, I had just about lost it. I still get choked up. Call me a pussy, but there is nothing better than when your girl, for whom you've unconsciously pined over for God knows how long, just tells you the feelings she has for you for the very first time. That shit just makes you think you've won Powerball, Mega Millions, and all of the scratch-offs combined. And in a way I have won them all—because I have her. We still haven't said the three words out loud, but it doesn't matter. I know the feelings are there. Why else would she have endured my eccentric ways? Lots of girls know of my strange habits, but no other girl knows the important stuff Bella knows about me. She's seen it all; the embarrassing, the emblazoning, the agonizing and the antagonizing. Other girls may know my body better, but they don't know what's in my brain or in my heart. Outside of Jazz, Bella's the only person who knows how my fucked-up mind works, and yet she can still love me unconditionally just the same even if those words haven't been shared.

On reflection, I think I had feelings for her when we first met. How many people can honestly say they have had blind dates with naked introductions? Our moms arranged just that. Bella and I were bathed together at my house after we all lost electricity from a storm. I hadn't even met Bella before that. My mom invited Renée, Bella's mom, who she met grocery shopping, over because we had a generator. I think Bella and I were both two years old at the time. I remember my mom saying something about saving water, and the next thing I knew was that there was a beautiful little Hershey-bar-haired girl with Pillsbury-vanilla-frosting skin and dark brown M&M eyes sharing my oversized kitchen sink with me.

We splashed about and played with our squeaky water toys, trading them occasionally. Mine was an elephant my mom named "Trumpet" while Bella had a swan; go figure. Curious as all little boys are, I watched Bella as she made Trumpet's snout disappear a little into a part of her that I didn't have. I think I must have peed in the water after that because Bella "Uh oh'd", which alerted me as to what I had done. She was as curious about mine as I was about hers, and of course we had to touch each other's. Bella giggled when she squeezed that part of me, and in some sick, twisted way, it just felt right. It wasn't like my own hand or like my mom's or my dad's when either of them had to clean me up. It felt different, but it felt nice. Call me a pervert or a freak or a what-the-fuck-ever, but the human touch is the human touch. We're all mammals that thrive off of sensory experiences.

I remember being lost in my own head over her hand on me until Bella dropped her swan on the floor. Our moms were talking and drinking coffee at the kitchen table and didn't see. Bella started pouting the lips of her cute little mouth and was working herself up to cry. Tears started running down her cheeks, but she didn't make a sound. I think it broke my heart to see her that way, so I did the noble thing. I gave her my elephant with the spouting snout to play with. It didn't matter that I no longer had a toy. Watching Bella play with my pachyderm that morning brought on more than enough joy for me. When it finally dawned on her that I was sans elephant, she offered me the squeaky thing back, but I just shook my head and smiled. I think I even said "You puay wiv it." And with that, she gave me her beautiful smile and said "Kiff" before planting her lips on mine. No one had ever done that to me outside of my family, and Bella's kiss felt nothing like theirs. I think from then on it was just normal for us to greet each other that way with accompanying hugs also. I know our mothers certainly encouraged our cordial behaviors.

Over the years we have just been us, Edward and Bella, first best friends, then roommates, now lovers, hopefully. Off into the future, who knows? I won't rush her. Whenever she's ready to pursue any aspect of this, she'll let me know. But in the meantime, the relationship CD I borrowed from my professor implied that it can't hurt to set the right scene. So on to my next plan…it's time to take a shower and talk to mom.

Now fresh, clean, and relieved of a little sexual tension below my belt, I'm prepared to talk to Mom. I boot up my Macbook on the kitchen counter and start pulling stuff out of the fridge and laying it out while I wait. Like clockwork, Mom's there, eagerly waiting for me.

"Hi sweetie, how are you? You poor thing; you look okay. Are you still hurting? Did Bella take good care of you last night? Did you end up going to the ER today to get checked out? Do you need me to come over there and cook for you? How are you doing with school? Do you like all of your classes this semester? Are you getting good grades? Have you met any nice girls? When are you going to bring one home to meet your father and me? Are you still listening to anything I'm saying?"

In my head, I say, "Mom, take a breath!" She and I go through this every time. I would swear that Jazz and I were switched at birth if I didn't look so much like my parents. He and my mom are so much alike it's eerie. At least he's got weed and Adderall to mellow him out, but I think I ought to talk to our vet about Mom to see if I can weasel some Ketamine out of him for her. She seriously needs to tranquilize herself. Mick and Keith were certainly on to something with "Mother's Little Helper." Mom was actually normal that time she had to take Valium. She was so normal that Emmett and I stared at Dad silently—while we had the most pleasant meal our of lives at our dining room table—asking him to please consider putting her on the stuff permanently, but I know as much as it would have benefitted all of us, Mom is just Mom, and we all have to live with her.

"Fine. No. Yes. No. No. Good. Most. Absolutely. Some. Soon. Of course, I am."

I get her typical "hmpf" and a little grumbling because she forgets how spectacular my recall is. But we're good.

"So, Edward, why are we Facetiming tonight?"

"Can't I just want to spend time with my mother?"

She gives me her best hairy scary raised eyebrow, and I know she sees right through me.

"Okay, okay, I have a favor to ask you."

"Go on."

"I want to cook dinner for Bella tonight without screwing it up. If you walk me through everything step-by-step, it will leave less of an opportunity for me to mess things up, destroy her kitchen, and burn down the apartment. Well, you get the idea. She's been amazingly great, and I want to do something nice and prepare something palatable."

I know my mom already thinks the world of Bella. Thankfully, she knows nothing about last night; otherwise she would be planning our wedding. Wedding? WTF, Cullen! It's too soon for that thought.

"Oh, Edward, that's incredibly sweet. My little boy is finally growing up. How is Bella, anyway? Does she like her classes? Has she decided on her major yet? Does she still work at that sporting goods place? How are you two getting along? Does she cook enough for you? You look a little thin? Is she seeing anyone yet? When are you two coming over for dinner?"

"Focus, Mom, focus. She's good. She likes her classes. She hasn't decided on a major, yet. She still works at Newton's. We're getting along great—actually better than great, but you don't need to know that yet. She cooks plenty, and her food's always fantastic; in fact I gained about five pounds. She's kind of seeing someone—you don't need to know about that either. Maybe we can come over the Sunday after next. We'll bring Jazz with us.

"Oh wonderful! I'll have to order a fresh turkey from the Safeway. You know how much you boys can all eat. I'll have to get busy on thinking about desserts and sides so I can send you guys back with a bunch of leftovers and snacks. Maybe you guys can stay over Saturday night, so you don't have to drive both ways in the same day. I'm sure Bella would want to spend some time at her house as well. Ooh, I can just have Renée and Charlie come over here. I have to start planning."

"Whoa, Mom, I have to ask Bella and Jazz first, or maybe you can just text them. I need your help now. I have to get dinner started."

"Okay, Edward, I'll rein it in. Let me see what you've got to work with."

I proceed to show mom everything I've pulled out of the fridge. We agreed upon a pork stir-fry with snow peas, pineapple, broccoli, mushrooms, cashews and brown rice. With the leftover pineapple Mom showed me how to make a cake-mix version of her pineapple upside-down creation. Baking is kind of fun. I've already made the stir-fry as the cake was cooking in the oven and have just taken the cake out and flipped it onto a plate. It turned out pretty impressive for my first attempt. I'm keeping the stir fry on warm in our countertop turbo oven. It will go off automatically in about ten minutes, which is when I expect Bella home. I'm pretty proud of myself that I was able to pull this off. I honestly didn't know cooking was this easy. I also had time to do the dishes. I didn't use anywhere near the amount of detergent I used the last time, and I didn't break any dishes either.

The table is set. The food is ready, and I have a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge if Bella wants some. I even put tapered candles on the table, unlit of course. I still don't trust myself. The CD Dr. Cope lent me has come in handy. It's gotten me into thinking about deliberate behaviors instead of impulsive acts. There's nothing wrong with spontaneity as long as consequences are considered first. I think my laying off the weed for a few days has helped as well. I find myself being more aware of my actions. I guess that's a good thing because Bella's coming home to me, Edward, her boyfriend, not just Edward, her roommate. I guess I'm doing something right.

Well, it's almost time. Date night is about to commence, but first, I need to work the knots out of my back. Between Felix laying me out last night, and all of this work today, my back is painfully sore, and my shoulder a neck are killing me for some reason. I never realized how difficult housework is and make a mental note to give Bella more back rubs when she does it. I think I have time before Bella gets home to hang upside-down on my gravity inversion board and decide to give it go.

As I walk into my room, I can't believe how good it smells. I turned the heat on high to help dry the rug out and put floor fans out to circulate the air better. It's dry, so I put the fans away and turn down the heat. I get onto my board, strap my feet in, and push backward. Oh, that feels so good, almost better than sex. I do about ten stretching repetitions and decide I've had enough hang time as Bella should be home any minute. I go to pull myself up, and I'm stuck. I can't use my stomach muscles because of where Felix hit me yesterday. I'm still feeling a lot of abdominal pain. If I try to wiggle to one side so I can pull myself up that way, I could tip myself over. So much for having a spotter. Shit, I'll just have to wait for Bella. Some knight in shining armor I am, my girl has to save my ass every time.

I don't have my phone on me. I left it in the kitchen. I have no idea what time it is. I think Bella should have been home by now. I've counted 21,613 fibers on my carpet in the patch I can see. I've recited the alphabet backwards three times. I've played Mozart's symphony No. 41 and Haydn's symphony No. 102 in my head. I've covered all the elements in the periodic table. I've recollected all of the major mathematical formulas I've learned thus far. I've remembered all of the major events of the twentieth century. It feels like all of my blood is now in my brain. And I think I have to pee. I am now extremely sleepy. Maybe I can just take a nap.

"Edward, I'm home...Sorry I'm late. They had a birthday party for Samantha, so I had to stay. Otherwise, it would have been rude. I called and left a message, but I guess you were busy. By the way, I found your professor's CD in your CD player, and I think it was unbelievably sweet of you to borrow it. In fact, you've just scored yourself some major sexin' points…What the…Edward, What did you? … How wonderful, you cooked for me… and you made a cake… and you cleaned up after yourself! Edward, where are you? I want you, you incredibly hot, steaming piece of man candy, and I want you to jump my ass. Well, maybe not my ass, but you know what I mean. Edward… Edward? Oh my God, Edward!"

A/N's:

I'm sorry for the cliffie.

Bella's point of view will be up next.

Review me your thoughts.

If you haven't already done so please check out these amazing authors:

Bornonhalloween: "Guilty As Sin"

ThreeHotPotatoes: "Twi Trek" and "Pledge Week"

RobsMyYummyCabanaBoy: "Tip of the Spear" and "Last Call"

Redtini: "How To Date a Movie Star" and her sequel "How To Marry a Movie Star."

LayAtHomeMom: "Hooked Up and Locked Down" and "In Your Room"

Jonesn: "Bear Creek Road" and "In Mates"

Daphodill: "CTA Dreams"

Ohgeefantasy: "Midnight Confessions" and "Fly and Be Free"

Gabby1017: "Under My Nose" and "Finding Home"

Thank you to my wonderful beta, Chayasara, who knows just how to fix me.

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Also, if you love these two, please recommend them.

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Thank you for reading.

PAD