A/N: Hello my darling readers, I cannot tell you how SSSSOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYY I am.

I have given up on NaNo, which I was doing, (pm me or leave in a review if your confused), which is why i've been so inactive this month.

And i realised that it has been a month and 2 days! wait a month and 1 day! It's still today! i finished this at 23:59 so ha! Although it'll be tomorrow (today now as its 00:02) by the time this is posted.

Anywho, I thought a nice and drammatic chapter would do nicely and its nice and long too. (ITS 1296 WORDS OMG YAY).

Also please do read the first paragraphs even though you may be tempted to skim, as i assure you that they are important and i am sorry they are so long.

You will see that i am lacking my usual 'Enjoy ;)' as i do not wish you to enjoy this, and if you do then SHAME ON YOU! K?

Lol, no but seriously hehe

Chapter 15 - Irrational Thinking

Since they had broken up for Christmas, and the majority of people had gone home, Larissa had been over analysing things.

With all of her friends, save Will, gone, Harry, Ron, and Hermione keeping to themselves, and Draco barely talking to her, she hadn't had much to take her mind off of everything.

Her mother had left her and her father, abandoned them for the Death Eaters who were plotting to kill Harry. Reason? There were many, and they all played over in Larissa's mind. Maybe had she been a good enough daughter then Bella wouldn't have left. Had she and Harry been better behaved when they were at Grimmauled Place, maybe Bella wouldn't be helping to kill Harry. Whichever way she thought of it, somewhere, there was always herself. A reason, whether small, or big, still a reason.

Her father was suffering from depression and not taking those Muggle tablets to keep it at bay. Reason? Bella had left. Reason? See above. This was still partly Larissa's fault though. Maybe had she been more caring in the beginning when Bella left, instead of locking herself in her room Sirius would have dealt with it better. Even better; had she not existed in the first place, her father wouldn't be suffering this heartache and would be getting on with his life as Harry's god father.

Draco wasn't talking to her. Reason? She obviously had been insensitive instead of sensitive and trying to help. Everyone needs to talk to someone about their problems, everyone except the great Draco Malfoy it seemed. Well this was definitely entirely her fault. She had forgiven him almost entirely after what he did the year prior but she was still 'too young' or 'wouldn't understand'. If she had have left it there, instead of perusing the matter, she and Draco wouldn't be in this situation.

Harry didn't trust her enough to tell her what he tells Ron and Hermione, she was only his bloody sister for Merlin's sake! Sure, he had told her what he was doing with Dumbledore but she had guilt tripped him into that, but there was something else... Something that only he, Ron, and Hermione knew. Something that they discussed in secret, which was why they were keeping to themselves lately. Had she been a better sister, a better friend, a better listener, maybe Harry wouldn't be keeping secrets. They weren't supposed to keep secrets from each other. Had she told him some things that she had not, maybe there would be no secrets between them.

Trelawney's prediction seemed to be alarmingly accurate. Reason? Larissa was so clumsy, that she managed to cut herself on her two way mirror, and fall over and hit her head on a mirror, surely this was no coincidence? Yes, she was just that clumsy and paranoid that it had an effect on her clumsiness.

Honestly everything was her fault.

And she felt like shit.

And she would hide it, but at night, in their empty dorm she would cry for hours and then get mad at herself for wallowing in self-pity.

This was all her fault in the first place, why was she upset? Because she was worthless.

At first she had shaken it off; thinking that way.

But day after day, it had begun to sink in, and that was how she viewed herself- worthless.

{xxx}

It was a week and a half before Christmas, and it was the middle of the night. Larissa's face was tear stained, but she knew that she wouldn't be doing any more crying that night. She reached for her glass of water to have a drink, and she jumped slightly as the glass smashed on the floor.

She cursed quietly and got out of bed and started to gather up the broken glass. The sharp edge of a piece pricked her finger and a few drops of blood fell to the floor.

Larissa got cut a few more times before she was able to successfully manoeuvre the glass into the bathroom to deal with in the morning. She turned on the cold tap, and held her hands under it. But the water didn't flow over all the cuts which were scattered over her hands so she put the plug in and filled up the sink with cold water. She then put both her hands into the water, and most of the stinging ceased.

The water turned a pinkish colour and after a few minutes, it was pale red. Larissa should have found it disgusting, but the bloody water looked sort of, for want of a better word, endearing to Larissa.

She stumbled backwards on this realisation, her hands were covered in the diluted blood and she thought that this must have been the 'sadistic' side of her mother coming out in her. But this wasn't any blood. This was her blood. She was pretty sure that Bella didn't like the sight of her own blood so why should Larissa?

The thought of Bella made a wave of guilt wash over Larissa, making silent tears slide down her face, rapidly staining it with tears again.

The pain she felt, was like no other. So long had she craved for a mother, and then Bella came into her life, and now she had gone again.

Larissa couldn't have this pain, no. So she did the first thing that came into her head, and not thinking clearly she picked up a piece of glass and drew it across her arm.

It wasn't a deep cut, not one that would leave a mark at any rate, but as she realised what she had just done, her eyes widened and all thoughts of Bella flew from her head. Larissa went back over to the sink and let the water run over it while she waited for it to stop bleeding. She then washed the blood off of her arm, and thought about what she had just done.

She hadn't thought for a moment about Bella, or any of the things that were bothering her. Surely is she cut a little deeper, then the pain would be stronger than the pain she felt every night thinking about everything?

She picked up the glass again, just to test if her theory would work, but she stopped herself.

She couldn't have a cut along her arm, not a deep one that would take time to heal anyway. Even though it was winter now, spring and summer would arrive soon and she wouldn't be able to hide it.

She pulled off her pyjama bottoms, and on the inside of her thigh, she dragged the glass along her skin. It hurt like nothing else, but she was wrong. It didn't hurt more than the pain of everything.

So she cut deeper.

But she didn't have time to retest it, her mind was far from all the things wrong in her life, it was on her leg which had a deep gash down it, and was bleeding an awful lot.

She slapped her hand to her forehead and stood up and sat in the bath, she would have to clear up the blood that was on the floor later, that couldn't wait until tomorrow.

She unclenched her fist, realising that it was throbbing and she saw that there was a piece of glass still in it and she had two long cuts running along her hand now.

This was getting out of hand now, she took off her top and underwear and then turned the taps on, she sat in the bath as it filled up, the red water rising around her.

And she sat there, for at least two and a half hours, lying in water, and her own blood.

A/N: Aren't I just so evil? You'll find that torturing your characters is a fun hobby (you'll see JKR discovered that... hehe lol)

I've been wanting to do this for a while, and now seemed the right time soooo...

Also don't blame me, i have no idea what happens when you self harm or whatnot, and i am in no way trying to offend ect anyone that may.

Pllleeeeaaaassseee review,

lotsa love Livyyyyyyyyy xxxxx

oh and one last thing, the chapter title is 'Irrational Thinking' as she isn't thinking rationaly so she cant be rationalised. If you dont know what that means then pm me or leave it in a review (review review reivew review, lol im just kidding, i kid i kid, okay im gonna stop now) and i shall explain, (i didnt know what it meant until last week so you arent alone! and if you do know what it means then i am alone and i suck... lol)