Sera's POV

All the lies… all the hiding… it's all for nothing. No matter how much I've tried… no matter how much I placed everything… Nothing mattered anymore. I have nothing.

"I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue

I can stay away for days

If that's what you want

Be your number one

I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that's what you ask

Give you all I am"

Christina Perri's song blazed in my ears, on the highest volume I could set it on. Human… am I human? Since I was young, I always wanted to be more independent. We, as teenagers, feel stifled by parents, teachers, security, having to constantly do what we're asked.

'Sera do this… Sera do that… Sera… Sera… Sera…'

I always wanted to choose for myself… but things changed. I want my parents to be happily together… not constantly fighting. I want to turn back time to that night that I decided to go with Natalie and Mark…I wish I can forget everything… I wish I can forget that night…

"I can do it

I can do it

I can do it

But I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on

Be a good machine

I can hold the weight of worlds

If that's what you need

Be your everything

I can do it

I can do it

I'll get through it"

I always knew myself very well… I always did… but now, who I was didn't matter anymore… All it mattered was to please everyone around me, and to control myself the only way I knew… the only way I thought it was best… but now… all of the control was taken from me. My parents decided that the best way to help is to go through my things. What got into them? They were never there! And now they want to be all parenting?

I go to sleep every night with the wish to not wake up in the morning, but am truly disappointed every waking day… I always end up waking up to a new day. I can't fall asleep before I make sure what I'm going to do the following day… what I'm going to eat or not eat… what I'm going to study or not… what I'm going to say or don't… what I'm going to feel or not… how much I'm exercising or not. It's tiring, and yet, I can't stop… I want to, but I can't… I only want to never have existed… both of them would have been better off without me…

Can I get through this? Do I want to get through this?

"But I'm only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I'm only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human

I'm only human

Just a little human

I can take so much

'Till I've had enough"

Her words kept ringing into my ears. My dad's gaze kept creeping back into my mind when he saw my cuts. I quickly hid my arms underneath the sheets. It was easy like that. I didn't want them… especially them… to know about them. Grandma Grace promised me… but I guess my family's promises are all lies… are all a façade'. All I keep asking is the 'Why?'…

Flynn entered the room, without me realising it. He came forward and touched my shoulder affectionately. He gave me a small fright, but soon recovered from it, and removed my earphones in an instant.

'Hey…' He smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed with my chart in his hand. 'What are you listening to?' He asked smiling, as he grabbed one of my earphones gently and took a listen.

"I'm only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart"

'Mhmm… Christina Perri…' He continued as he handed me back my earphone. 'Do you like her music?' He asked gently while I placed the song on pause.

'Not all of them… but I have some favourites…' I replied. 'Guess you would like to know which ones?'

'Sure… why not?' He smiled.

'A thousand years, Jar of hearts, and this…'

'Why those three?' He asked again.

'Don't tell me you're going to read into that too!' I exclaimed.

'You're right…' He chuckled. '…but music tells us a lot about our personality.'

'What kind of music do you like?' I asked.

'Well, I like everything. For as long as its good music, I'll listen to it.'

'So you are both and introvert and an extrovert?' I almost asked.

'That's a statement Sera.' He smiled again. '…but yes… you can say that.'

'…Walter and Derek are very lucky to have a father like you.' I started, as I caught him off guard.

'…and why do you say that?'

'I see them the way they look at you. You give them your time as if it's something easily obtained… you're not afraid to show your feelings… and you're not afraid to be affectionate in front of everybody… They adore you John…'

'I'm sure Christian is the same with you…'

'Yeah…' I replied.

'How are you feeling?' He continued.

'Bored…'

'Guess it is the right feeling seeing as you have nothing to do.' He answered.

'I don't belong here John…'

'Sera, you're a very sick girl, you almost died.'

'It's not the hospital… it's everything… I never fit anywhere. Not here, at home, or any place else.'

'Sera, is it possible, since you expect to be rejected, you send out vibes say you don't want to belong… is it possible?'

'What would you do?'

'That's a very good question.' He replied while he stopped to think. '…I would probably think about little tricks that would protect me from everyone.'

'I am… I have tricks… to protect me… from people's bad feelings…'

'You have to tell me that and you have to get rid of them…'

'I can't…' I replied as I let my head drop.

He moved forward and held my hand, rubbing smooth circles on it, but I flinched. I still wasn't quite used to strangers touching me.

'No… leave it… I'm not going to hurt you Sera…' He replied as he held my hand tighter. '…I know it's hard, but it's the only way…'

'Next time… ok? I promise you I'll tell you next time!' I begged.

'No… just one… tell me one…'

I stopped for a second to think about it. In a way, I didn't want him to know. That would make me feel more exposed… More open to people getting to me, but the words were out of my mouth before I realized it.

'I… can't let the food touch my lips… I have to get it off the fork without letting it touch my lips.'

'Tell me some rituals that have nothing to do with food.'

'No…'

'Come on… you're doing great!' He smiled as he urged me to continue.

'You know… how like you're not supposed to sit on a public toilet seat, because you could get a disease or something? Well, I won't sit on any toilet seat… not even the one in my own bathroom. I used to think that you could get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat…' I started while I looked at him . '… and you know, how you're supposed to wash your hands before doing natural needs, or eat… well… I have to wash my hands thoroughly at least 5 times before doing something… That's really sick… isn't it?'

'No… not wanting to get pregnant isn't sick at your age.'

'I don't ever want it… I don't ever want to have kids…'

'Now that's maybe one of the reasons why you don't eat. Your body won't mature, won't be attractive to men and you won't get pregnant… Sera, you're a slave to these rituals! They must make you very tired.'

'I can't stop them…'

'No, but we can deal with them in another way… Look, you just told me your fears that you were scared to death to tell me or anyone and the sky didn't fall down… did it?'

'No…'

'…because you shared them with me… and maybe we could do the same with eating…'

'No… no… I can't do that… I can't…' I panicked.

'You just told me you weren't strong enough to share your secret rituals but you did… share a meal with me…'

'I don't think I can…'

'I'm just asking you to try…' He continued as Grandpa Carrick entered the room with my parents and a nurse.

'John…' He started. '…it's time…'

'Time for what?' I panicked.

'Sera, you have to be placed on a feeding tube…' John started.

'No… daddy… Please! Please don't let them.' I begged.

'Sweet heart, we have no other choice!' He replied as he moved forward and brushed the locks of hair from my face.

'Mummy… please! I promise I'll eat… I promise I'll do anything you want me to do! Please don't let them!' I cried.

'Sweet heart, it's a little too late for that… You need the feeding tube.' Daddy urged, while my mother exited the room, with Flynn following her.

Grandpa Carrick brought the pipes, and a bag with fluid. He placed everything on a tray, and lowered the bed. Dad remained there holding my hand, while catching my tears.

'Daddy please! I'm sorry for what I did… I'm sorry for everything… I promise I'll gain weight… I promise I'll eat…'

Christian's POV

He pleading made my heart tear apart. She didn't want the tube, but I couldn't do otherwise… I was losing her… I used to think that you have to force anorexics to eat and they do… but no… it's different… they starve themselves until their organs start feeding on themselves and shut down, until all that matters is how to pass on nothing except little air…

'Daddy! Please!' She begged again. I felt tears watering my eyes. I wanted to make it all better for her, but I couldn't.

'Munchkin, you need this… When you'll get better, we'll remove it… but you need it…' I replied as my father gave me a nod with his head that they were starting.

'Sera, you have to hold still, else it will be painful!' My father said as he lubricated the tube with some gel. 'Christian, you can stay if…'

'I'm staying dad…' I replied as I held her hand stronger. 'Sera, you have to do this...'

'Daddy!' She desperately cried, while my father held her head in an upward position, and measured the tube from the tip of her nose to the tip of her ear to the tip of her stomach, and marked it with a piece of tape.

'Sera, I have to ask you to not move.' He ordered again as he placed the tube in her tiny nostril, and started to push it upwards. 'It's going to be very uncomfortable Sera… now swallow… yes… that's it… swallow a bit more Sera…' He continued, until he reached the piece of tape. He placed a strip of adhesive tape on her nose, and secured the tube to her cheek. He grabbed a syringe and some strip of paper, and after withdrawing some contents from the stomach, he dropped the drops on this paper, and gave a nod to the nurse.

'It's in Christian… we're all done Sera.' He replied again as he kissed her forehead. 'You did great sweet heart.' He continued. 'We'll start her on 80ml per 2 hours.' He ordered the nurse.

She kept crying, but I remained there. I've been away for too long, not caring for her emotionally, it's time I man up, and be there for her… I had to be a better father… I had to be there for her…

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