Chapter 8: Who Are We Fooling
Better or worse but what else can we do
When better or worse I am tethered to you
If it's not either of us tell me who are we fooling
This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue
Is the beautiful knot that we just can't undo
Together we're one but apart tell me who are we fooling
- "Who Are We Fooling" Brooke Fraser feat. Aqualung
As he watched Serena continue to rush Blair away, Chuck realized that the last time he hadn't said what he needed to in front of Blair, he had regretted it. Heck, he still regretted it. And while Serena seemed extremely determined to get Blair out the door and probably had the advantage speed-wise (her legs really seemed a mile long) Chuck had the advantage intelligence-wise, and he knew there was a second exit that would lead him right to Serena and her captive.
"Wait! Hey, Serena, wait!" Serena ignored him, searching frantically for the town car she had waiting. Raspberry gelato, she thought, as both means of encouragement to find the car and resistance from speaking to Chuck. Raspberry gelato. But Chuck, knowing she was looking, simply stood squarely, arms crossed in bravado, in front of the car he knew to be hers.
"Oh come on, Chuck," Serena whined. "You never play fair."
"You never set any rules," he countered. "Therefore, there is no such thing as unfair." Blair smirked beside Serena. Even when they weren't in the best place, Blair and Chuck still always wound up gaining up on their blond counterparts, may it be Serena, Nate, or both. Then, and only then, would they face off against one another. Serena recalled many moments of intense competition between the couple that she and Nate had witnessed during games of Monopoly, and one particularly bad screaming match during a round of Risk, during which Blair swore that she had gained China from Nate, while Chuck insisted that he had, in actuality, taken over the territory by attacking it and defeating Serena's army.
"Chuck! China is mine! Right, Natie?" Blair flashed Nate her sweetest smile, encouraging him to affirm her claim. But before he got a chance to answer, Chuck stood up angrily and contributed his version of events.
"No it's not, Blair! And you know how I know? I used my North American army to attack Asia, which by the way, Serena had! Not Nate! Right, Serena?" Chuck swiveled his stance around to face his wide-eyed stepsister.
"I, uh – " Serena began, Chuck's red face becoming more intimidating by the second.
"Serena never even got into Asia!" Blair interjected, both relieving Serena and distressing her further. She was worried Blair and Chuck were on the verge of going Real Housewives on each other and resorting to flipping tables. "She had Africa!" Blair continued, raising her voice an octave. "I think you're getting your continents confused, Bass. Not that I'm surprised, or anything. You did get a D in world geography, and that was only because I helped you pass your final!"
"Dammit, Blair! I know the difference between Africa and Asia, considering I was in the latter last week! God, you just can't admit that you're going to lose to me!"
"Or you're just upset, because you've never beaten me before, and you're going to lose yet again!" Blair smirked in satisfaction.
"You know what, Blair? Fine. You win. Have fun celebrating your victory by yourself." Chuck sauntered off, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Blair's smirk faded as swiftly as it appeared.
"Shit," she muttered before running off after him. Serena and Nate just looked at each other anxiously. Their expressions, however, soon morphed into ones of slight repulsion as they heard wild animal noises coming from Chuck's bedroom, and both blonds moved simultaneously toward the liquor cabinet. Twenty minutes later, Chuck and Blair, both grinning widely, emerged in their previous outfits, looking perfectly put together.
"So?" Blair asked slyly. "Who's up for another game?" Chuck smirked at his girlfriend. Nate and Serena groaned. Their brunette best friends sure were strange.
Serena smiled fondly at the memory. "Do you guys remember that time you had a huge fight over who controlled China in Risk?" Blair blushed and nodded.
"Of course. That – "
" – Ended very well," Chuck finished for her with a lopsided smile. "Even though Blair cheated me out of a win."
"I did not!" Blair argued, not playfully enough for Serena's comfort level. "I won fair and square, Bass!"
"It was a game from a year ago!" Serena cut in, situating herself between the two. "Who cares?"
"I do!" Chuck and Blair both shouted at once, brows furrowed in frustration toward Serena. Then realizing their identical reactions, they chuckled fondly at each other.
"You guys are so weird," Serena mumbled, shaking her head. This only caused Chuck and Blair to laugh even harder. Their snickers eventually subsided, but their eyes remained locked.
"I know you've been going all guard dog on her lately, Serena, but is it okay if I talk to Blair for a minute?" He asked it like it was a question, but Serena recognized it as her stepbrother's polite request.
"Of course," Serena agreed. "Just stay out of Real Housewives territory," she muttered as she walked away.
"And she thinks we're weird," Blair said, rolling her eyes dramatically. Chuck smiled momentarily before his face hardened in seriousness.
"Blair," Chuck began. "Earlier, about what you asked me – "
"Yes?" Blair encouraged him.
"They were meant as a thank you. For not giving up on me even when I gave you every reason to. For trying to make me happy even when I made everyone else around me miserable. Even you at some points," he went on, the sincerity evident in both his eyes and his tone. "And I'm sorry for that. I'm so, so sorry, Blair."
"I know," she said softly, averting her eyes. "Me too. For what I did to Eva. That was wrong, and I know I said I wasn't sorry, but I am. If she really meant that much to you, I shouldn't have – "
"Yes, you should have." Her eyes returned to his face, searching for any form of anger or bitterness. She didn't find any.
"What?" Blair breathed. "But, but, I," she stammered, confusion taking over her delicate, easily overwhelmed features.
"I was blinded by the fact that someone good could love me. I thought that if Eva could care about me that much then I could be good too. All good, I mean, and I tried to completely block you out, because with you, my dark side took over. I figured that by becoming a man filled with only light, I could prevent myself from hurting anyone ever again. I would never repeat anything like what I did to you." His eyes grew shiny and pooled with unshed tears. "But then – "
"But then?" Blair whispered, feeling the familiar prick of tears in her eyes as well.
"But then, I realized that one can't exist without the other. There is light in me, yes, but without the dark, I don't feel like myself. I need a balance of the two, and even though you were the one who got Eva out of town, I think she would have left eventually when she figured that out. I told her that my darkness was in the past, but I know now that it will always be a part of me, and you were the only one who ever saw all of it, saw all of me, and still loved me in spite of it."
"Not in spite of it," Blair shook her head, the tears cutting like glass down her cheeks. "Because of it. I loved every part of you, the dark and light. And you were the only one who completely accepted both parts of me in return."
"So where does that leave us now?" Chuck asked, not noticing as one of his own tears spilled over, rolling along his strong jaw line before landing on the scarf he was so very protective of.
"I don't know," Blair admitted. She smoothed an imaginary crease in her dress and waited for an answer. She meant it when she said she didn't know where they stood, but it was because of him, not her. She had no idea how he felt toward her, but like always, her heart was screaming out for him, begging her to take him in her arms and never let go, but her mind was weary enough of the possibility of getting back together so soon to churn out a vague response.
"I was talking to Lilly earlier, and I think," Chuck stopped and touched his cheek, finally noticing the hot trail the tears were making. He wiped them away with his scarf. "Never used it for that before," he said, causing Blair to crack a slight smile. "I think," he repeated, his voice back to a serious tone. "That we should spend a little time apart. I need to…find myself again. I may own a company, but I'm still figuring out my place in it, especially with my summer absence. And I need to reconnect with everyone I've been away from, rebuild relationships, starting by rebuilding myself. And I know I didn't destroy you, because while I may be Chuck Bass, you're Blair Waldorf." At this, she smiled again, stronger this time. "But I know I broke you down, and I think you could use some rebuilding too. Am I wrong?"
" No," Blair confessed. "But I wish you were."
"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back." Blair looked into Chuck's eyes as he spoke. The tears had reappeared, and they made tracks through the contours in his cheeks, but this time, he made no effort to wipe them away.
"But how will we know when we're supposed to find each other again?"
"After we find ourselves." Chuck looked at Blair, her red, tear-filled eyes, the stray curls she had pulled out of her ponytail, the sheen of sweat on her neck... To him, she had never looked more beautiful.
"Okay," Blair finally whispered. "Okay."
"Okay," Chuck echoed, fighting every impulse in his body, impulses that were telling him to go toward her, not walk away. But he knew that this was what they needed, both of them.
Blair watched him as he slid slowly into his limo and didn't look away until she couldn't see it anymore.
"B?" Blair heard Serena's voice gently breaking through the flurry of honking horns, chattering, and screeching brakes.
"I'm okay," Blair responded, the tears still falling. "Or at least I will be." She let Serena wrap her arms around her and get her into the still lingering town car.
"I know you will be, B. I know." The rest of the ride was spent in silence, as was the remainder of the night. Serena climbed into Blair's bed right after her without saying a word. Because though Serena was loud, wild, and spirited, she could still recognize that sometimes silence can heal as well as speaking can, and just holding someone like you love them can say more than words ever could.
'Cause real love is hard love
It's all we have
It's a break neck
Train wreck
It's all we have
So we're back here again
Turning away from the edge of the end
Arm in arm
Until next time – xoxo