Ana's POV

It's been almost a week since my daughter has been in hospital. After we all had a little talk, we decided that I should start rehab ASAP... John suggested it would be in my best interest to not put it off any longer. I packed up the day after, and compromised with Sera, that we would both get better. We had to do this together. Christian, on the other hand, seemed all alone. He broke down while I was packing... I never knew it affected him this much... His tough persona rubbed on all of us... He always had that stern look when he was worried... But this time... I saw fear in his eyes... Something I rarely saw...

Flashback

'Ana...' he started as he sat on our bed and pulled me on his lap. 'Did I do this to you?'

'Christian... Stop blaming yourself... Things are as they are because both Sera and I couldn't handle things...'

'Ana... You know I love you right?'

'Of course I do... Why do you ask?'

'Ana... I feel helpless... Towards you... Towards Sera... I wonder... Are we ever going to be a family again?'

'Of course we will baby!' I replied as I nuzzled into his hair. 'Christian... I love you... And I can assure you that my addiction had nothing to do with you... You should cut yourself some slack...'

'How can I Ana? My two girls are...'

'Christian, Sera is sick... I am not... I just need to stop my dependency from substance abuse... I'll come clean... I promise...'

'Ana... You never told me... Where have you gotten the drugs?'

'Christian, it's not only you that know people...'

'You know drug dealers?'

'Not exactly... A friend of mine... She knows him... She got it for me... But we both are willing to get better! You see... She just found out she's pregnant, and she wants to bring up a healthy child...'

'Better than we did... We ruined our daughter...' He admitted.

'Christian... Sera is like her father... You Christian... She is exactly like you… She's strong... Stubborn and hard-headed! But strong minded like you...' I said again as I caressed his cheek. 'You'll see... We both will get better and we'll both have back our lives... Just promise me one thing...'

'Anything Ana... I promise you anything...'

'Don't leave Sera alone while she's in hospital... She already feels abandoned by both of us... Let's not make her feel worse...'

'I already had that in mind... I'll be doing my office work beside her... I won't ever lose another minute with her...' He replied. '…but you have to promise me, that you're going to follow the program and that you're going to call me at least once a day…'

'Don't get your hand twitching as yet Mr. Grey…' I smiled. 'I'll do so honey…'

End of Flashback

John's POV

'Maria, being an addict doesn't mean you have no self-control… or that you are weak… being an addict doesn't justify who you are… you have to turn things around.' I suggested. 'Your son died in the bath tub. What happened that night?'

'My… my husband was still at work… and believe me… three kids together don't make a good recipe for anything…' She started. 'I… I was bathing my youngest… and… Michael and Rachel were having one of their tantrums… I couldn't concentrate… I let Gregory out of my sight till I went to see what was happening with the other two… but when I went back… I found him there… with his eyes open… I stood there dumbstruck… I'm a nurse and I should have reacted immediately… but I remained there staring at my drowning son…' she chocked.

'…and how does that make you feel Maria?'

'A failure… I could have saved my son… but I didn't… I have all the knowledge… I have all the necessary training… and yet… I couldn't do anything…'

'Maria… every person grieves in his or her own ways… You still haven't yet grieved about your son's death… you turned towards drugs to suppress those emotions… and I'm sure all of you here did the same…' I explained. 'We have a lot of pressures as parents… we have to be there for our kids… we have to set example… and when something goes wrong… it hits us in the most painful way… Am I right… Ana?' I asked as I saw her lost in thoughts.

'Sorry?' She quickly asked.

'Would you like to share something with us Ana?'

'Like what?' She asked as she crossed her arms.

'Ana, we are all here for the same problem… for the same addiction… what do you think had set your addiction off?'

Ana's POV

'I… I don't think I never thought on turning to substance abuse… It just happened…'I reasoned. I didn't quite remember how it all started. 'When… Jason was killed… and I thought that my husband was having an affair; I thought that my life ended… I forgot I had a daughter… I actually felt alone… Since my son's death… I didn't quite feel anything… I felt mechanical… exactly like a machine.' I explained.

'That's exactly how I felt too… you don't realize you're in it too deep until something happens… but then… you realize you can't stop… and you keep turning to it over and over again…' Jennifer added.

'Self-loathing is a very strong emotion… You were all angry at yourselves, and you probably felt jeopardized by everything that happened around you…' John explained again. 'Ana… when did you realize that you actually had a problem?'

'John… I never quite acknowledged it… but… it was my daughter that had found me almost dying from my first over-dose. I told her that I was going to get better, because I made her promise me to not tell my husband. I didn't want him to realize that I wasn't that fine. He was having problems of his own. He blamed himself for our son's murder… and then… our relationship went downhill… and I started again…' I explained. 'I felt better… I felt all the pain numbing… and I could go on for days having everything against me… and not feeling anything… It was almost an out-of-body experience…'

'You mean like Astral Projection?'

'You can say that… but not exactly… I knew exactly what was going on around me… I knew exactly what was happening… I just couldn't react to them…' I tried explaining. 'It's hard to explain…'

'…and what made you realize now Ana that you should get better…that you should stop abusing substances?'

'My daughter… and my husband… I realized… that my daughter's condition keeps deteriorating… She barely weighs 60 pounds… she doesn't eat… she doesn't drink… I didn't want to take her to hospital because I was afraid that a doctor there could sense that I was on substance abuse… that someone could realize that I was also on alcohol. I started avoiding Grace and Carrick, my in-laws… because both are doctors… She had a cardiac arrest in our home… and I couldn't react… I stood there… while she was dying… and I don't know if she'll make it… I was selfish on thinking only about myself… What mother does that?'

'I didn't take my daughter to hospital when she fell and hit her head, because I was on cocaine… My wife literally dragged us both to hospital… and it was there that my daughter's doctor realized I was on something… he first talked to my wife and she confronted me… I thought she was going to leave me… or worse take Julie away from me… but instead, both have been supportive… and I'm doing it for them.' Malcolm explained.

'All of you have a main reason on why you want to this… you all love your family dearly… like I love mine… but think about this before we end this session, and come with ideas next session…' John advised. 'What would you have done if you could change back time? What would you have done if you didn't have the family supporting you?' He asked. 'It seems to me… that the majority of you are doing it for others and not for yourself. Although substance abuse does affect your families, it mainly affects you… your health… your life…' He paused. 'Think about it… and write everything you feel in a journal… I would like for you to all read them in next session… it will break the cycle of keeping everything inside… or burying your feelings.'

He was right… I had kept everything inside… Since I was a young girl… Until I met Christian… that day I went to do him the interview. I bit my lip at the thought. I remembered how handsome and mesmerizing he was… and still is… despite the years that have passed. I knew there was something about him that made him special… and he is… but things weren't all bright and shining… he had a past that haunted him… until it took my son's life… Maybe that was the last straw that took me to start all this…

'Ana?' John took me out of my thoughts as he shook me gently from my shoulders, while I noticed that everybody had left. 'Are you ok?'

'Yeah… I was just thinking…' I replied as he took as seat in front of me.

'Would you like to share your feelings?' He said again as he rested his back to his chair.

'It seems strange… I always knew what drugs did… I knew how addictive they were… and I still turned to them…'

'Ana… like everyone here that has the same problem as you do; you all have enclosed yourselves in your own confines…'

'…and I don't know how I did it… It's exactly like when I suffered from anorexia. Ray and my mother noticed it immediately… and dealt with it… and till this very day… I don't remember how I started… as in… I know the reason why I did it… but… were did I find the self-control? I obviously felt hunger… how did I suppress it? … and then I look at my daughter… I keep asking myself how I could miss it… I saw her wasting away slowly… but I felt that the thinner she was getting, the better she looked… Until Grace's birthday… I can't forget that scene… She was sick… and now… she's even sicker… and yet Christian and I didn't do anything about it… we didn't force her to eat… admit her in… Christian suggested many times to act as parents and just admit her… but I kept denying it…'

'Ana, it seems to me that you still haven't dealt with your feelings on your eating disorder.' He suggested. 'Christian always told me about your lack of appetite… yes… you are nowhere near clinical anorexia… but it seems to me that you still have an anorexic mind… you still have those thoughts.'

'I do sometimes… I do think about what I used to do… and I still have tendencies to hold on to my rituals… yes… Christian had grabbed my attention about them… and he was supportive when I told him… he understood… but I don't know why… they keep coming back.'

'Could it be that maybe, as you couldn't control Jason's death, Sera's rape and eating disorder, Christian's pain and self-loathing and his past, that you turn to your habits out of an easy escape route?' He suggested. 'You told me that you felt out-of-yourself… numb… so as to put it better… maybe that does have to do something with it…'

'I don't know… but I guess you can say that…' I replied while he looked at his watch.

'Don't worry Ana…' He smiled again. 'We will figure these out together… It's time for dinner Ana… You better go before the nurse comes and gets you herself.' He chuckled.

'Before I go… how's Sera doing?'

'Well… she still hasn't been quite talking… right now she feels distant and alone… we need to get her to trust us again so she'll be able to talk…'

'… and physically?'

'She's on IV fluids for now… she's still refusing to eat… She's afraid that she won't be able to control…' He said again as the nurse came to us.

'Ana… dinner please…' She started.

'It's ok Jackie… I'll walk Ana to the dining room.' John replied as he grabbed his briefcase and some files and made our way out.

'Are you off to the hospital?'

'Yeah… I spend few hours with her… we talk… or watch a movie… or just stay quiet and read… she hasn't finished a meal till now… so they've taken her phone, laptop, and no tv…' He replied. '… till Christian comes back… he spends the night with her…'

'Good.' I smiled. 'I miss them both…'

Christian's POV

'Come on Sera… you can play better than that!' I replied as I made my last move as checkmate.

'I'm not good in this game daddy… I always lose…' She replied again. Lose… the word kept creeping back into my mind… haunting my thoughts…

'Let's stop for now…' I smiled as I moved the table from her bed. 'How are you feeling peanut?'

'Tired… and bored…'

'If you start eating something else other than lettuce they will let you watch some television at least…'

'Dad… they expect you to eat a whole meal… I'm a vegetarian…'

'Vegetarian by choice or vegetarian because you can't control it?' I asked her gently as I removed a lock of her hair behind her ear. I moved forward and lifted her off the bed. I moved to the chair and placed her on my lap, just like I used to do when she was younger. There was nothing of her. Even a 12 year old girl weighed more than her. She hid her face in my chest and held on to me strong. She was making herself the smallest she could, as if she wanted to vanish. Her eyes were tired. She wasn't getting much sleep… Night terrors still dominated her, but I decided to take a chance. 'Peanut… what were you dreaming about last night?'

'Dad…'

'Honey… Please listen to me… I know I haven't been there for you… but I am now…'

'No dad… it's not that…' She answered softly, just like a little girl scared of everything around her.

'Then what is it baby girl?'

'I just… I don't know how to explain them… but… I've been thinking today…'

'What about?'

'Remember when I was a little girl, and I used to love calligraphy, and I used to stick up papers in my room with you, with that calligraphy set that you had got me?'

'You killed long hours with that calligraphy set…' I smiled.

'Well… In my dream… I had this pen… and I kept slashing lines over and over again, and I was having the most beautiful writing on the paper… and I was so happy… just like I used to… and then… the black ink turned into blood red ink. I looked down at my arms… and I realized that… I had slashed myself instead… you were all there laughing… pointing… staring… and then I woke up… and all that happiness I was having at first… changed… and all those feelings just disappeared… and I turned back… to this…' She continued in silent tears while I rubbed her back. 'I feel empty dad… Where did my feelings… my childhood go? … and when will I get them back?'

'You will baby girl… I know you will get them back… I know how bad things are for you right now… I hurt… I know how scared you must be…' I comforted, as I took out my Charlie Tango pin from my pocket. 'Remember this?' I asked while she nodded. 'I remember… this had given me such good fortune… and I want you to have it…' I smiled while she took it in her small hands. 'I know you can win this baby girl… I know you can… just don't give up…'

'What if I let you down dad? What if I can't do this?'

'You never let me down baby girl… but you are stronger than this is… you are stronger than this illness baby girl…' I encouraged her with tears sliding down my cheek myself. 'Don't let go… peanut…' I said again as I kissed her forehead and held her tighter.

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