Bibliography for the suicide poem and suicide note:
1. poem/this-is-my-goodbye
2. Blogs/Read/294774/Suicide-letter-to-parents/
Christian's POV
Success... Wealth... Elegance... I had everything I wanted... Everything I dreamed of having... Expensive hobbies, expensive jets... Tailored suits... Sports cars... Everything that a man would wish for... I had everything except happiness... When I was younger I thought that having something meant that you had the world in your hands... And it was true to a certain aspect... Grey enterprises inc holdings made my career dreams come true... Then Ana came along, and she changed my life, she turned everything around, made me a man of honour, made me a man to love. She had something in her, that till this day, I cannot explain... Something that pulled me towards her like an electrostatic attraction. We were polar opposites. She was pure and innocent and I was fifty shades... I guided her into my world of bdsm... I thought she was going to be a normal sub... But I fell on love with her... I never knew that love could be such a strong emotion. We evolved slowly like Darwin's theory of evolution. We got married and had a beautiful baby girl. We were so proud of being parents, especially after all those treatments Ana went through. It was our fifth IVF trial, until we finally conceived. It took long enough but she came to us.
I splashed water on my face under the faucet of the shower, I've let my mind drift to everything with the water flowing taking away all my darkest thoughts.
Ana changed Escala to a better place. She gave me a child... I could hear Sera's laughter from the door back when she was younger. She used to come run towards me and cling onto my neck. I used to lift her up and pamper my daughter to the best I could. We used to be something...
I got out of the shower and shaved my face. I remembered how Ana loved shaved faces. She loved the delicacy, the softness... I smiled to myself. I could still see her walking in here in only my shirt.
I soon got dressed and joined Gail for dinner. She still remained at Escala aiding to anything we all needed. She sometimes spent hours with Sera at the hospital for when I couldn't escape a meeting and had to attend.
'Christian...' Gail took me out of my thoughts.
'Yes...' I answered as I placed my finished plate in the sink and sipped some of my wine.
'I was cleaning Sera's room this morning, and I found this envelope addressed to you and Mrs. Grey on the floor, under Sera's desk...'
'Thanks...' I smiled as I took it from her hands. It felt a bit thick in my hand... 'Was this a letter?' I thought to myself. 'Gail, do you mind if you place my daughter's clean clothes in the bag please?' I asked before heading to what ones was my daughter's room.
'Yes... Sure...' She smiled lightly.
I opened the door, and it pained me seeing an empty room. She usually would be up here, either studying, listening to music, painting, reading… or dancing to some modern music. It was always Ana's way of giving our daughter new perspectives. I always loved classical music, and never tried listening to new stuff, unless I encountered them on the radio while heading to work. Ana, on the other hand, was always up to date with things. She had a playlist on her iPod that was updated each and every month. Sera, on the other hand, was exactly like me, but she used to try new things with Ana…
I overlooked to my side and on the floor were her pointe shoes, placed in perfect order. I picked it up and brought back memories of when she started it.
Flashback 2008
'Daddy!' Jason came running and jumping on me. 'Look what mummy got me today!'
'Let me see honey!'I encouraged him while he showed me his new pair of black shoes. He always loved being elegant since he was very young.
'Do you like it daddy?'
'I love it baby boy! Now you are exactly like me!' I joked.
'No! I don't have a big nose daddy!'
'I have a big nose?'
'Not that big… but it's not small as mine…' He joked while I tickled him, and Ana joined us.
'Are you teasing your father Jason?'
'Noooo…' He replied slowly.
'He just told me I have a big nose!' I told her with a pout on my face.
'Let me see…' She amused Jason. 'Mhmm… I think he's right!' She joked while he laughed his guts out.
'Where's Sera? She's the only one that doesn't tease me on my nose…' I pouted playfully.
'She's in the living room... dancing…' Ana replied as she took Jason from my arms… 'She's been falling all day…'
'Is she ok?' I asked worriedly. I knew my daughter's balance issues. I never understood how she could stand on pointe without falling but she could fall while walking.
'She's ok. She's trying the pirouettes, Christian.' She smiled. 'What do you say we'll help your sister Jason?'
'Yesss! I love seeing her dance!'
'…watching… not seeing Jason.' I corrected
'Ok… watching…' He said again. 'Daddy, can I dance like Sera?'
'Of course honey!' Ana smiled. 'Next lesson, we'll ask Madame and we'll see what she tells us.'
'I want ballet not Madame!' He insisted again while both Ana and I cracked into laughter.
'Dear, Madame is the teacher. In ballet, it is not Ms., but you have to call her Madame.'
'Ohhh! This is so confusing!' He said again.
She barely noticed we were there. She kept trying and trying, and she kept falling before she landed her move. I saw frustration creeping onto her face, but she still stood up again and kept did it over again. I saw her focusing on the vase in front of her. She went back on pointe and took her position; she extended her leg forward and tried again. I realized she was going to fall again, I moved forward to her holding her from her arm before she fell on the table.
'Sera! Easy!' I scolded.
'Sorry dad…but I have to get this…'
'You will… just take it easy! You were about to get hurt…'
'I'm not good at this…' She admitted as she sat down on the floor while Ana and Jason moved to the couch and started playing.
'Hey!' I started again as I removed my suit jacket. 'I'll help you out…' I smiled.
'You?'
'Yeah… Aunt Mia used to take ballet lessons, and she taught me how to spot her… I do remember some things.' I smiled as I held out my hand for her to take it.
End of Flashback
I smiled at the thought. She was so full of life in her own ways. I moved towards her wall unit and get her a reading book. She had already read 10 books since she's been in hospital. I had to buy her some new ones these days. She was about to read her bucket list of books. I opened her wall unit and was intimidated by the extreme organization. Her books were aligned exactly in order. I realized they were alphabetically order and by size. There was nothing out of order. I always loved organization… I always wanted perfection myself… I always nagged to both my kids to keep their rooms tidy… but this… this was beyond what I expected. I was almost afraid of touching anything. I choose Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes, as the greatest novel of all times, about a gentle knight and his servant Sancho Panza that has entranced readers for centuries. It was one of my favourites. As I was about to close the wall unit, I realized that one of her chemistry books wasn't tightly closed as all the others. I took it out and from it, two cd's fell from it. I picked them up, and as I was about to put it back in place, I realized that there was a notebook. I moved all the books and took it out with along with the box underneath it. I realized that she had more than one hiding place. Flynn had warned us long before…
I took everything out and placed them on her bed. I looked towards the CD's, wondering what could possibly be on there. I quickly went to her laptop bag, and switched on her MacBook. I always had a thing for apple technology, and made sure that my family had the best of best. I switched it on and placed it on her desk, but soon I was asked for the password. What could it possibly be? I knew she wouldn't have made it an easy guess. She was exactly like me in that aspect. I opened her drawers hoping that she would have written it somewhere, but it was no luck, as there was nothing there. I moved to her bedside cabinet, but there was nothing as well. I sat down and started brain storming. We knew that people rarely noticed things that are right in front of their eyes. We both knew how it all worked… I kept thinking… The most important thing to her was Jason… I typed Jason, but it still didn't match. I was starting to give up after a couple more tries… but then I realized. There was a photo of us on her desk… a photo of us as a family. I grabbed it slowly, and opened it from the back. A small key fell from it, and on it, there was a series of letters and numbers. I started typing them '13Ja0918Ch8310An89' I realized that they were dates. It was Jason's death… followed by my birthday and Ana's birthday, and instead of the months, it was our initials. I smiled at her formulation. She made sure that we were with her always. I pressed the enter button hastily, and soon the machine took me to the desktop background. I smiled at it. She made a collage of us all. I took out one of her CD's and put it inside, and soon it started playing. I rested my back to the chair and it shocked at what I was looking… and listening…
'Hi… I'm Sera Grey…' She started, as I saw her looking to her sides. In the background there was shouting and fighting… I realized it was Ana and I. 'I'm sorry about that… This is my first video diary… I'm not used to making these… Ok… so let me start… Those that you are hearing are my parents having one of their freaking arguments. Before you ask Bert, yes this happens very very often…
The worst thing that happened today was that my father just said that if I die… he won't spend much on a coffin… the best thing that happened today… I lost 10 pounds in total…' She continued.
'WHAT THE FUCK ANA! YOU CANNOT JUST DO THAT!'
'Watch me Christian…'
'Um… I better go… these are supposed to be quiet… for now I'll write… Bye'
I kept staring at the video, and pressed replay… I couldn't believe that it was us in the background. I knew our fights weren't quiet… but not this much. I decided to stop the video and play the second CD. This time, it was a folder. I opened it hoping to see some school things, but I didn't know what to expect, however I was for sure not hoping for what I was about to see.
I opened the folder, and there were photos. The folder was named 'Journey to Perfection'. I started viewing picture by picture. It started with her old weight. She used to be a healthy 120 pound girl, I moved to the next, and the numbers started decreasing… 110, 96, 85… There were pictures of her legs… her abdomen… her arms… The difference was noticeable… her ribs were already showing at 85, her face already was starting to shrink. I viewed the next photos, and soon brutal cuts were shown on the screen. I pressed the next button, and a bloodied arm was present. I held my lips pursed and made a quick move to the bin. I threw up violently. I wouldn't have been so much affected by cuts and blood… but this was my daughter… I couldn't help it… all the pain she had endured… all the emotional pain she tried to impose as physical pain… I hadn't noticed anything. I hadn't had the minimal idea of what she was doing to herself. This wasn't just a random person… this was my own flesh and blood… I moved forward to the laptop, and closed off the folder. There had to be more than that on her laptop. I decided to look through things… through her files… I opened up her internet site and visited her favourites and bookmarks. I finally had my answer on where she had obtained her diet pill remedies and such. I surfed through her account and her purchase history was quite shocking… especially for a 17 year old. I looked at the key, and realized that it had to fit into somewhere. I opened up the box, and found the remaining blades… bloodied tissues… and extra laxatives… but there was another key… I looked around searching for a lock, and it came into mind. I went to the drawers, and there was only one that was locked. I opened it and again was shocked. There were drawings… calligraphy writing… they were all depressing… photos of her stuck on animals… her face cut with a cross… I turned one picture and the word 'die' shocked me to the core. I took everything out and placed them with the other stuff I found. How blind could I have been? This was going on in my own house… under my own roof… and I didn't notice. While I was at it, I searched in every drawer, and found more laxatives and diet pills that Ana and I hadn't found that night. After seeing all of that, I could only assume what was in the envelope. I grabbed it in my hand and tore the opening… I took out three papers out of it… I started reading… but soon had to sit down…
Dear Mum, and Dad,
I can't stand to live anymore,
I just want to die and end it all.
The pain of living is just the start…
I'm sorry I'm breaking your heart…
It started with hate, but not it's little too late…
My life is a mess… and I can only confess,
that inside it hurts none the less…
I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused…
But in the end, it will be ok, because this is the only way…
I'm sorry for worrying you…
I'm sorry for distressing you...
Mum, it saddens me to see you cry,
You're the one who helped me get by…
Dad, you taught me to walk,
you taught me to talk,
and I am grateful for the time I managed to get…
I'm sorry I never showed you I cared…
But inside, I was always a daddy's girl…
All I want to say… is 'I love you'
But I know that's not enough…
All I want to do is die…
So I guess, this is my goodbye…
I kept staring at the paper… This was a suicide note… This was already written and planned… She was going to kill herself. I couldn't keep my tears at bay anymore. I kept thinking… she was too depressed that she wanted to end her life… and all this pain… and yet… nobody realized anything… I turned the page and realized there was a letter.
Mum, Dad…
I… I didn't quite plan on this… but the thoughts… the feelings… they were too strong… they are too strong… I feel like I need to release all this pain inside me… It's like I have this war going on inside of me, and I can't end it… except one way… I didn't write the poem…. I was reading one time… and realized that it was exactly how I felt… I changed some parts to adapt it to me… but this is now me telling you how I feel.
I guess… if you found this… and you're reading this… I'm already not here… I'm already dead… (Thank Heavens!)… Mum, I'm sorry… especially to you… you have tried… I know life hasn't been easy on you… and neither on you dad… I'm very sorry… I love you both, I'm so sorry I decided to end my life, but I couldn't handle it anymore…
Daddy, I'm sorry that I defied you multiple of times… I'm sorry that I made you built that anger in you… enough anger to make you say that I lost my title as your daughter when I defied you… I'm sorry… I've always looked up to you… I've always wanted to be like you… but I guess… I wasn't good enough… I'm sorry I was never a good enough of a daughter to you, that you never believed in me, that I made you hold back on your things, that I'm not as successful as you are... Well I guess you were right. I'm a failure in life. I know you thought I was fine, and I don't blame you for not seeing signs, because I showed none with you… and with nobody… I hid everything, I learned not to show sings… played with being happy. And you believed me, I played the role well, ate, or so you thought, smiled, laughed, and stopped getting scars on my arms. How were you supposed to know I started cutting my thighs and stomach? That I starved myself and broke down every night? That I woke up every morning wanting to die?
I'm sorry for being the reason you have marriage problems. I'm sorry you have to fight about me… but now you can live your lives in peace… I am hoping I am with Jason…
I'm sorry if I made you feel worthless… I'm sorry whenever I took your time… I'm sorry for everything…
Please… However… don't forget one thing… I love you… I've always loved you… both of you… and if I could wish for something… I would wish for us to be happy again… like we were when Jason was here… like we were when I was still a kid… I still remember all those times we used to be together as a family… but now I've given up… I've given up on life… on myself… on us…
I love you mum and dad… Always…
It tore my heart out. She wanted to die… She wrote this note, and it was dated 12th March… She knew when she was going to do this… she had everything prepared… I was almost relieved that she had the cardiac arrest when she had it… she couldn't end her life this way… I closed it off and placed it back into the envelope. I had to show these to John… He'll know exactly how to handle this… I have to make her want to live again… I have to make her see that we can be a family again… I want us to be a family again. I realized how much toll this had taken on her…
It then came to mind. We were going to find our daughter dead in her room… how was she going to kill herself? Overdose? Bleeding to death? All horrific images of her lying lifeless came to mind… I lied down on her bed and cried… I never felt this broken since Ana wanted to leave me… my daughter was scared of me…
My blackberry soon started buzzing… I looked at the caller, and realized it was Flynn.
'Christian…' I started.
'Christian… are you ok?' He asked already sensing something.
'No… I'm not…' I replied.
'What is it?'
'I took your advice… I searched in my daughter's room… John… she left a suicide note… there are CD's with horrifying pictures of her… self-harm…' I chocked. '…all kinds of pills… and the worst… I didn't notice anything… I noticed out of coincidence…'
'Christian… you knew this could happen… we have to face the reality…'
'John! This is not reality… this is my daughter we're talking about…'
'… yes… and she had been abused… felt abandoned by both of you… it was her way of coping…' He explained. 'Could you bring me the note and whatever you found that I can assess? It can help me understand her better…' He suggested.
'Yeah… sure…' I replied again. 'Is she ok?'
'She's asking for you Christian…'
'I'll soon be there…'
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