Few weeks later

John's POV

It's been almost 4 weeks that Sera had been in hospital. Ana had fully made and finished her program, and she talked and dealt with her inner feelings and turmoil. There was so much anger she had endured that she never wanted to discuss with anyone, which brought her to do things she never quite wanted to start.

Christian, on the other hand, was seemingly looking as if he understood, but I knew that deep inside he still had a lot of questions, to both Ana and Sera. He couldn't bring himself to terms that he didn't notice his wife's addiction. He promised her to protect her and love her and yet, he couldn't protect her from herself. It was the same thing with Sera. Since Ana came back, the arguments started again. I tried keeping Sera at ears distance. The little stress from her family would set her off. They needed to work some issues, and they need to confront each other... But not in front of the kid...

There was so much in the poem and in the letter that raised more questions. There were so many things to analyze, and I must say she is not simple-minded. On contraire, she has a very complex one...

I helped her get ready while Christian and Ana went to sign some papers that social services asked them to… Sera's temporary custody was handed to me... I was glad that they accepted with little objections... It could have been worse... Christian could have taken the big guns with his too good lawyers.

Sera still looked very sick...she was still skin and bones. All she gained were 8 pounds. She was able to walk again... Or at least move herself to places... she wouldn't go on a hike... I doubt she can walk a 10 minute distance, but at least she could make her way to the bathroom doing her natural needs.

Seeing as she wasn't resisting treatment anymore, Grace, Carrick and I decided that she can be discharged and placed into my care. She was still not really talking. Since her parents went back together, she started falling behind again. I realized that it wasn't really that they had a marriage problem. It was more of a communication problem that they held.

I helped her get ready for her discharge. She kept avoiding my touch… avoiding my talks. I followed her every move. She kept placing everything in order, checking things over and over again. The rituals consumed her. I could see it wasn't easy for her. I decided to intervene. I moved forward to her and held her from her shoulders. I felt her tense up.

'Hey… don't worry…' I smiled while I waited for her to calm down. I turned her to face me and rubbed her arm up and down. 'Let me help you…' I said again.

'I … um… ok…' She replied again as she turned back and allowed me to place her things. 'What's happening with my parents?' She finally asked.

'What do you mean?'

'I mean… mum… seems better… but they're arguing… again…'

'They have some communication issues. You shouldn't worry about them…'

'How can I not Fl… John? They're my parents.' She confronted.

'Sera… what's really on your mind?' I asked her again.

'They don't want me John…' She admitted. 'They… they are sending me away… don't get me wrong… it's not that I don't like staying with you… if anything… you had been all welcoming… but…'

'Sweet heart…' I replied again as I stopped her from her brain storm. 'They are not sending you away. They love you, but before they help you, they need to help themselves…' I explained.

'Can't I help them? I'd do anything for them! Anything they need… anything they want me to be.'

'Sera, why do you need to please them?'

'John they're my parents! Aren't I supposed to be that?'

'No Sera… as a child you are supposed to be accepted as you are. You should never change for anyone…' I smiled again, as I closed her bag. 'I'm ready here… Did you get everything?'

'Mhmm…' She replied. 'John… can I ask you something?'

'Anything kiddo…'

'Do you promise that they will be what they used to be?'

'I cannot make that kind of a promise Sera… what I can promise you is that I will love you as if you were my own, and I will help you in overcoming this…' I replied as I cupped her face.

After making sure that we had everything, and Sera said her good byes to her parents, we started our way to home. She kept quiet, but finally she broke the ice.

'Look at those kids… they're running… playing… I wish I was still like them.'

'How does that make you feel Sera?'

'I don't know… I just want everything to slow down for a moment… It seems that everything goes into fast forward… There's no chance to just stop and take a minute…' She replied while I parked the car.

'Come with me…' I encouraged.

'Where?' She almost asked scared.

'To where I take my sons to relax…' I smiled while she got out of the car and I locked it. I held my hand out to her, but she didn't take it. She moved beside me, and I protectively held her close to me from her shoulders. We started walking and made our way to the countryside, and sat on one of the available benches.

'How long have you been feeling like this?'

'I don't know… since always I think…'

'Sera… I don't want to push you too far, but I want to make sure you are safe…' I started. 'It's going to be a little hard… I'm going to ask you some questions… Is it ok for you?'

'Yeah…' She replied as I saw her resting her head on the table.

'Sera… have you been having thoughts of hurting yourself?' I started while she nodded, not managing to answer me. 'Sera… you have to talk to me… I can't help you if you don't talk to me…'

'Sorry…' She admitted.

'Sera, when was the last time you managed to really sleep?'

'2 months ago… I can never fully sleep… I'm afraid to go to sleep…'

'What about you? How do you feel about yourself?'

'John…' She replied again as she got up and moved away from me.

'Sera… you need to confront your fears and come to terms with them. I'm not going to hurt you…'

'It's not that John…'

'Then what is it?' I replied again as I guided her on the cool grass. I removed my suit jacket and laid down on my back. I looked towards the sky, were clear clouds took away my thoughts. 'Come here Sera…' I asked her as I patted the grass behind me. She complied and joined me. 'Look at the clouds Sera… what do you observe in them?'

'They're white… clear… seem to be fluffy… soft and mellow… You know… dad and I used to have cloud marathons, trying to uncover their form. For example… that one looks like a mushroom…'

'…and that looks like a bunny…' I added.

'Mhmm… and that is… I think it looks like Shrek's dragon…'

'Shrek?' I asked her confused.

'Yeah… the green cartoon guy with the Princess Fiona… the ogre one…' She explained. 'The cartoon-soft toy, Derek kept pestering you on buying him.' She continued.

'Ohh… yes…' I replied again. 'You're smiling kiddo…' I noted.

'Yeah…' She replied. 'I know I always wish for the same thing over and over again… and probably that is my mistake… because I keep holding on to the same thing… but I really wish for mum and dad to get together again… you know… as they used to be…' She continued while she fixed her glasses. 'Sorry… I don't mean to bother you…' She tried getting up, while I held her from the palm of her hand.

'Stay… you're not bothering me…' I smiled. 'Sera, how do you feel about yourself?'

'I don't know… I just don't feel like keeping on trying… I don't feel like I matter to anyone… nothing matters to me anymore… not even myself… I'm a burden on everyone…'

'Is that why you self-harm? You feel the need of punishing yourself?'

'I don't know… it's… I feel alive with it… you know… when cold hits you in winter you shiver… you get that feeling that although you don't like the cold, you still love it… it's the same with… with cutting… only 10 times better…'

'So you do it for releasing turmoil and pain?'

'I think so…'

'How did you start?'

'I don't quite remember… It was actually by coincidence. I cut myself while I was helping Gail, and for a moment… I felt an adrenaline rush… I felt better…'

'… and then?'

'I started doing it whenever… things got too much… I sometimes did it out of needing to release stress… then… I felt the need to cut every single day… just like an addiction.'

'I read the letter…' I stated while I saw her look away.

'You know… I had it all planned out… I felt calm that day… I knew exactly what I was going to do… but my own body betrayed me… I'm actually disappointed I didn't die…'

'You still want to die?' I asked her again.

'I don't feel anything anymore John… I'm tired of living… I've tried opening up… but it doesn't work…'

'Sera, if you keep on believing that it doesn't work… it won't work… you need to believe in yourself?'

'John… there's nothing left for me to hope for… to fight for…'

'Of course you have…'

'What do I have John? A family that keeps on nagging about the past? A family that keeps fighting over and over again? Mum is now jealous because she saw dad and me a bit closer… you can't win with the John… I try fixing up things with someone and hell breaks loose with the other… what am I supposed to do? Divide myself in half? Develop two personalities? What am I supposed to do? Tell me… and I'll do it!'

'Sera… your parent's conflicts are not your fault… They are grown-ups and are able to work on things themselves. You don't have to blame yourself for them… If anything they should be the ones hovering over you!' I explained. 'Sera, I need you to promise me something… I need you to promise me, that you are not going to attempt killing yourself…'

'I can't John… I think about it every single day… Do you know how many ways I've imagined? I thought on swallowing bleach… I thought on shoving a knife somewhere… or cut my wrists… or overdose… anything would have worked… when I made the decision, I felt… happy… relieved to be exact… I knew the pain was going to end…' She replied as she looked at me. '… But now… I'm afraid…'

'Of what?' I asked again.

'I feel empty… and I realized… that although I want to die… I still would like to get rid of these feelings…' She said again. 'Please… don't let me die… I don't want to die… not like this…' She begged me.

'I won't let you die… I promise you…' I replied again as I held her close to my chest. 'I love you kiddo… Don't give up!' I encouraged her. 'However… there is one last thing I want to clarify with you kiddo…' I continued. 'When we arrive home, I want you to give me all your blades… laxatives… any diet pills that you may still have. I know that you didn't hide your stash in only those places… We went to your home to bring what you need. For sure you brought something else with you…' I said again while she looked away. 'Sera… I'm giving you the chance to come clean… I'm still going to search your room and things myself… but I want to be able to trust you…' I said again as I held her tighter to me.

'Don't you trust me?'

'I trust you… I trust Sera… I don't trust what's in you…' I continued. 'What's it going to be Sera? You need to be honest with me… I told you since the start that I have to invade your privacy as much as I can…'

'Ok…ok… I'll do it…' She replied while I felt her relax into my embrace.

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