This is dedicated to kiwijoeelle :) Thanks for all your reviews, support and motivation! :D (and for the food fight idea :) )...
and to Grey Steele fan and JulesTaylor for your amazing reviews, motivation and support as well :D...
Sera's POV
From: Dad
Subject: How are you?
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.43
To: Sera
Hey peanut… how are you doing? Is everything ok? You haven't texted your mother and neither me.
Christian Grey,
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc
From: Sera
Subject: Sorry…
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.45
To: Dad
I'm ok… Slept during the drive… I'm sorry… but you BOTH were on my mind… I was going to call later… Is mum ok?'
Me
From: Dad
Subject: Glad you're ok
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.47
To: Sera
Your mother said hi :) ... We're missing you here… Call when you have some time… I love you peanut… xx :)
Christian Grey,
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc
'Sera?' John asked while he stood at the doorway. 'We need to talk…' He stated.
'Um… I'm only unpacking…'
'I know… but remember what we talked about earlier?' He asked again while he moved forward.
'Um…' I replied almost scared of him.
'Let's cut the chase…' He said gently. 'You have 20 minutes to bring me everything… I will still search here… so don't think about hiding anything… I'm trusting you, and allowing you your privacy…' He said again while he smiled, while he handed me a small box. 'Put them here…' He said again as he made his way toward the door, and left me to my confines.
'Why did he have to do this?' I thought to myself almost in tears… those were my things… I needed them… and he's taking away everything… Damn… I wish I'm at home…
From: Sera
Subject: Smileys? Since when? :O
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.55
To: Dad
I miss you too dad… I do too daddy… even mum… Give my love to Gail and Taylor… I have to go for now… Flynn… well… guess you know… he wants some things…
Sera…
I went towards my luggage and from one zipper I started taking things out. I felt my heart going out with them. I needed those remedies… I know I'm fat… I know I'm ugly. Soon another vibrate from my phone brought me out of my thoughts.
From: Dad
Subject: You need it…
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.59
To: Sera
I use smileys since I have a teenage daughter using all the colloquial things over the servers… and I am an up to date father… aren't I? :p
Honey you need it… you need to get better… We're doing this for your own good. Your mum told you not to stay up late… and this is from both of us… E.A.T! Please!
Christian Grey,
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc
From: Sera
Subject: Yeah… ok…
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.52
To: Dad
Yeah right dad… you up to date? You're the most conservative person I know! You hate change! An example of such is your signature with these e-mails. I know you are Christian Grey CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc. Can't you change it to a warm one at least with me?
On a lighter note… you have some humour again daddy…:) …
Tell her not to worry… I'm fine… I really have to go… Flynn gave me 20 minutes…
As uncle Elliot say… 'Laters'… Wait… I get it now! Forget it dad… I'll just stick with the 'I'll e-mail you later' line…
From: Dad
Subject: About time eh! **Blondie** :p
Date: March 2nd 2014 18.55
To: Sera
I've always told you that you've inherited some blondeness from my sister! :p
Of course I have humour… I'm not some strange guy from behind mountains! (Don't tell your mother that… She doesn't agree at times…)
Sera… I'm serious now! E.A.T! please! I don't want to see you in a hospital again! You need to get better… you need to gain your strength back… I miss my old daughter…
I'm banging my head against the wall Sera! Seriously? Now you get it? :O your mother is laughing her guts out :p (me too by the way…)
Dad xxx (you see I changed it for you :) xxx) Your mother also sent her love and kisses … :)
From: Sera
Subject: Glad I entertained you…
Date: Mach 2nd March 18.59
To: Dad
Laugh while you can parents… now I get it where the saying 'once a man twice a child' comes from…
Ok, you challenged me and you won… but I bet you wouldn't last a day…
I really have to go now… I'll talk later… I'm switching off Data Connection, so please DON'T GET ALL WORKED UP OVER NOTHING!
Sera… (I'll call later)
I switched off the data connection from the settings and returned back to my tasks. I felt my heart ripping out… I knew they were just things… but… they made me… they justified me… I wanted to get better… I wanted to be how I used to be… but I don't want to gain weight… I don't want to get fat… I'm ugly…
I looked around and realised that the window was left online. I could only try… he was going to search the room anyways. I opened the window and left a small box on the windowsill. I popped few pills and hid them in a small bag in my shoes. 'He wouldn't look in there…' I thought to myself. As I thought I was ready, I made my way to downstairs, but he stopped me to a halt from his office.
John's POV
'Sera…' I smiled as I moved forward, and looked her straight in the eye. 'I believe you have something for me?'
'Um… you have everything…' She replied as she handed me the box. I knew that wasn't all in the box. She wouldn't have come this clean and in 20 minutes.
'Come Sera.' I replied again as I guided her from her shoulders as we moved towards my desk and placed the box on it. I started taking out everything. I was actually shocked to see all the remedies she used. They weren't things to joke around. All had serious implications… all were dangerous to use on their own. 'Sera… do you have everything in here?'
'Yes…' She replied quickly. I knew she wasn't saying the whole truth.
'So… if I go to your room. I won't find anything… will I not?'
'Um… no you won't…'
'Are you sure Sera?'
'Yes…'
'Ok then… let's go and see… Shall we?'
She was watching me intently. I knew she hid something. I knew how this worked. I've seen this in the eating disorders unit. They all work the same… and it's not their fault… the illness changed tactics controlling them instead. I kept seeing her eyes darting to everywhere. I opened the window and there they were… the common place all girls think of hiding things… I brought them in and placed them on her bed. I saw her get more panicky. I checked under her mattress, and a sheet of laxatives was there. Christian had mentioned to me that she had suppositories… those were the only things missing.
'Sera… can you please empty your pockets?' I asked her gently.
'They're already empty…' She replied too quickly.
'Sera… I can either empty them myself or you can do it… it's your choice… either way you're going to empty them…' I replied again as I moved forward to her and she made two paces back. I stopped in my tracks and crossed my arm. 'Sera… it wouldn't be comfortable for you if I empty them myself… So I'd suggest you'd get this over and done with…' I replied again. I couldn't give in to her negotiations. 'Sera… I'm counting to three…' I said again. She took her hand in her side pocket and took out a small paper bag. She handed it to me. 'The other one too please…' I advised. She obliged immediately, and took out the last things she had left. I took them in my hands and placed them with the other stuff.
'I'm sorry…' She said while she held her head down in shame. 'I betrayed your trust…'
I moved forward to her took her into my embrace. 'Shh… I know it wasn't easy… but you took things out of your pocket without having me to take them out sweetheart…' I said again. 'We have the last thing to do… I'm going to throw out every single thing… Ok?'
'Ok…' She replied slowly. Her reply made my eye itch… There was something she wasn't saying.
'Just ok? You've giving this up in an instant?' I replied as I looked her into the eye. 'I'm throwing up everything and you are just saying 'ok'?' I confronted.
'What do you expect me to say Flynn? That I don't want you to throw these away? That you're ruining everything?' she said as she moved backwards and crumbled to the ground. 'You're ruining everything… you've taken away everything from me.'
My heart squeezed at her words. She couldn't realise the damage… the dangers… I moved forwards to her and went beside her. I held her close to me. I rocked her gently.
'You've taken my control away Flynn…' She finally said.
'I know… Sera… as I told you last time… you're used to everyone giving up on you… and let you have your own way… not with me… not under my roof Sera… Baby girl… you need to get better…and the only way we can do this is by breaking the ice slowly… we have to start by these…' I explained. 'I promise I won't ever leave you alone…'
'You promise?'
'Of course I do… Sera, do you remember what you asked me to promise you back when you were seven?' I asked her as I held her closer to me.
'No…'
'Well… I do…' I replied. 'We were having a picnic… remember? … and everybody was there…'
'Yeah…' She smiled. '…that was the happiest time of my life…' She continued. 'I remember… Uncle Elliott kept teasing me continuously… and then I dropped juice on him… on purpose…' She chuckled. 'I remember… that day everybody was confined to himself… nobody noticed I was there… they were all hovering over Jason and Derek…'
'…and do you remember what happened afterwards?'
'Yeah… we had a food fight… I remember I went hiding behind a tree… I didn't want to get all dirty…' She said again as I felt her relax in my embrace. '…then I went walking alone… I remember I got lost…'
'Yeah… I remember your parents were worried sick…' I added. 'We split up and looked for you…'
'…and then you found me…'
'Do you remember what you told me when I found you?' I asked her, while she nodded in disagreement. 'Well… I do… I lifted you up and hugged you tight to me… and you told me that you were afraid. I then asked you why you left… and you told me that you felt alone and that no one paid attention to you… that everyone loved Jason more than you…and that you felt alone…'
'I feel guilty for thinking that… He's not here anymore now… and it's my fault…'
'No it's not Sera… you didn't shot your brother… and besides… sibling rivalry only makes your bond stronger…' I continued. '… Do you remember what I told you?'
'No…'
'I told you that I would never leave you alone… because I love you always… even if you have 100's and 1000's of brothers and sisters… you will always be my favourite…' I explained. 'I'm keeping my promise… You can be 30 for me… I will always love you and never leave you alone… Sera… we share a bond between us… I'm not only your therapist… I'm not only your psychiatrist…and neither Rhian is… you are family to us…' I said again as I kissed her forehead.
'You mean it?'
'Yes ladybug… Even Walter and Derek! They love you as if you were their sister… Walter preferred on opening up to you rather than to us… he felt more comfortable… I'm sure that, that does tell you something…'
'I love Walter…'
'…but you also need to love yourself…'
'I can't… I don't deserve anyone's love…'
'Why Sera?'
'I can't explain it John…' She admitted. 'I don't deserve anything…'
Christian's POV
I walked into my daughter's empty room. I missed her… I never realised what I had until I lost her… and I lost her big time. I tell her that I love her… and all she replies is 'I do too…' she sent her love to Taylor and Gail… why couldn't she say it to me? Why couldn't she tell me three simple words that meant a lot from her? Why?
'Christian?' Ana took me out of my thoughts. 'I've been calling you…'
'Sorry… I was thinking…' I replied again.
'What about?'
'Look around you Ana… What's missing?' I asked her as she sat beside me on our daughter's bed.
'Christian… she will soon be back with us… She's tough… She's like you…'
'…and that's what scares me… I'm fifty shades of fucked up Ana…'
'Christian we've been through this over and over again… you hide behind that excuse… you're a different person now…'
'…but our daughter isn't Ana… She hasn't told me 'I love you' in ages… I haven't heard her calling me daddy with that emotion in ages… I look into her eyes… and all I see is emptiness… coldness… darkness… she's lifeless… she's almost a machine…'
'Christian… she's going through a rough patch…'
'Rough patch?' I asked her amazed as I stood up and moved forward to Sera's desk and opened a drawer. I kept the original suicide letter. I still had to think about it. 'You call this a rough patch Ana?' I asked her as I handed her the letter.
'What is this?'
'Open it… read it…' I replied as I rested my back to the edge of the desk. She opened it hesitantly, and I saw her lose all colour as she started reading it…
'Where did you find this?'
'Gail found it under Sera's desk…' I said again as I ran my hands through my hair. '…and that's not all… I found depressing images… Self-harm photos… more blades… 2 CD's…' I replied again as I closed my eyes in pain. '…and that Ana…'
'How… Why…' She replied in tears. 'This couldn't be… she was about to… to… kill herself?'
'Yeah… and she still wants too… she doesn't believe that she has the right to live…' I replied as I tried keeping my tears at bay.
'We're losing her…' She finally admitted. 'Did you tell John about this?'
'Of course I did Ana… I didn't know what to do…'
'Do you have the CD's?' She asked.
'Why?' I asked her confused.
'I want to see them… I want to know what's been going on with my daughter… I want to know what I missed…' She replied sternly.
'Ana… I don't think it's a good idea… It took a toll on me…'
'Christian… she is my daughter as much as she is… if I wasn't on methadone I would have agreed with you and admitted her to hospital sooner and she wouldn't be in this state…' She insisted. 'I want to see them…'
'Are you…' I started.
'Now Christian…'
We moved to my study. I was already shaking… I knew what was in there… I didn't manage to watch the whole 2nd CD… Today I had to make the guts and view it all.
'Ana… It's very graphic…'
'Christian… it's our daughter we're talking about…'
'Ok…' I replied as I pressed 'play'. I could see Ana in tears after the first CD. She couldn't believe it was us arguing in the background… Our shouting brought shivers down my spine… let alone how Sera would have felt with those…
'Is that us?' Ana asked in tears.
'Yeah…' I chocked.
'We did this to her… We ruined our daughter…' She replied again.
Flashback 2011
We were soon to have dinner, and Sera was already sulking. She wasn't happy… I could see sadness in her eyes. She was there… but in reality she wasn't. Soon her phone rang.
'Sera… you know the rule… there is no cell phone at the table!' I scolded.
'Fine…' She replied as she stood up. 'I'm not at the table now.' I was already starting to see red.
'Alright… that's ok… we break that rule at least ones a month…' Ana tried calming me down, while I stood up and followed my daughter. 'Christian!' She called again.
'Sera! Sera!' I called her, ignoring my wife completely. 'Can I have that cell phone please?'
'No dad.' She replied as she continued on her call.
'Kara… Kara are you ok? What happened?' She started. 'I'm sorry… Oh my! Are you ok? No don't you dare leave… I'll… I'll try to come…' She continued while I heard some shouting from the other end of the line. 'Ok… I'll be right there…'
'Oh no young lady… you're not going anywhere… You're grounded!' I ordered.
'Kara is really upset… I have to go and help her!'
'Well… I'm sorry Kara is having problems, but you're not leaving this house! Period!'
'Screw you dad… my friend needs me…' She replied as she made her way to the door.
'Sera… stop right there! If you walk out that door!'
'What dad? What are you going to do?' She confronted.
'Ok you both need to calm down!' Ana tried
'I haven't spanked you since you were 12 years old, but I have a good intention on doing it right now!' I replied again as I grabbed her roughly from her arm.
'Don't touch me!' She replied.
'You should have thought about that before you defied me Sera…' I replied as I lifted her off the ground and dragged her to the kitchen. I pulled her trousers and underwear down, and with one swift move I removed my belt. I placed her across my knee and with the other hand I held her still. I started spanking her with all my strength. I lost count. I had reached 40 for sure. I heard her cries… her shouting…
'CHRISTIAN STOP IT! YOU'RE HURTING HER!' Ana screamed as she came and held my hand upwards. With her touch I let my other hand off Sera's back and she crumbled to the ground from my knees. I saw Ana moving towards our broken daughter. Ana pulled up Sera's clothes. She was crying hysterically. It finally came to mind. What have I done? I dropped the belt to the floor and moved towards my daughter. She was still lying there crying.
'Don't touch me dad…' She replied as I tried comforting her. 'Don't touch me!'
'Christian go… I'll take care of this…'
End of Flashback
'Ana we shouldn't watch the second…' I chocked.
'No Christian… I want to know what's been going on with my daughter…' She insisted again. I placed the second CD and stood there beside her. The pictures started going by in a slideshow. I saw Ana changing shades. She moved the chair backwards and made one whole run to the bathroom. I heard her heaves. I heard her throw up violently. I took Ana's seat and kept watching the video. Pictures of her cuts… of her emaciated body… I pursed my lips into a hard line trying to keeping everything inside. Ana was still crying hysterically and still throwing up violently. A part of the video that I hadn't seen came. This time it was a video.
Hi… yes… this is me… all ugly… all fat… that's why my parents hate me… that's why they're disappointed in me… well… I only have to continue this. Keep these tips in mind…
Say that you're going to eat at your friend's house, and instead go for a walk.
She started saying. She continued on with the tips… she continued commenting about how fat she was… there was nothing of her already.
Keep these in mind, and you will get perfect…
I couldn't keep any longer. She… she was on a suicide mission… this has been going on for very long… I finally couldn't keep it any longer… my tough persona shattered. I cried… I broke down… I could hear Ana's desperate cries. I grabbed the bin in the vicinity and emptied my stomach's contents in it. I cried… I broke down…
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