Nathaniel!
Home!
The two options were running - no - screaming in argument with each other in my head.
I was laying in a dingy old bed in a dingy old room that Mandy had helped me to. I barely noticed any of my surroundings.
I hadn't had room in my brain for anything else when Mandy had started talking to me. Thankfully, she'd seen that, and had ushered me to the bed.
"You need to think," I'd vaguely registered her saying before she'd left, "and make your decision wisely. There's no going back."
"But - Nathaniel - I could visit him! Right? I could come back?!" I'd said. I had already known the answer, but that hadn't stopped a fresh wave of anguish at me when Mandy had shaken her head.
"But couldn't I go home then... for a little while... just to say goodbye... and then come back?" I'd been whispering at that point.
"No. That wouldn't be possible."
That's when she'd left.
I had no idea how much time had passed.
I was staring at the ceiling without seeing anything.
I felt... dead, somehow. Which ever way I chose to go, I'd be losing what I loved most, what I clung to.
Nathaniel hadn't come in yet.
That was good; I didn't know what I'd do if he came in.
Mandy was right, I needed to think.
And I needed to do it alone.
Strange, I thought, I feel so... subtle. Almost... withdrawn. Like I'm in a coma or something. Usually when I get upset or excited about something I get all hyper and don't think about things - I winced. Nathaniel was right. He was right about me a lot; he was very observant.
How could I leave him? His laugh, his charm, his manner, his quiet-ness, his observant nature, his problem with asking directions?
I smiled a little, but I knew that it was a sad attempt at the act.
But really, how? It would be painful. Physically and emotionally.
He was so sweet, so kind, so... good.
How could I abondon the way I felt so warm and safe when he was near me, the companionship I felt that held us together? I would die for him, without question, right away, not even having to think about it. Actually, I had already.
Almost.
The ogres.
I had proved my willingness to die for him then, but only subconciously.
I loved him.
I'd never used the words before, even in my brain, but I realized that they were true even as it crossed my mind for the first time.
I loved him.
I said it again in my head, and again.
My heart expanded and warmth flooded into it everytime I said those three powerful words.
I loved him.
I liked how it sounded, and truth rang out in every one of the three life-changing words.
I couldn't leave him.
Never.
I laughed aloud.
So there was no problem, no conflict!
I'd go out there and kiss him and tell him what I knew was true.
...But I also knew that I wouldn't.
I didn't know if he felt the same way.
Did he love me?
He'd gone looking for me after I'd left finishing school. That had to count for something. He'd kissed me. Two counts in my favor.
But how could I be sure?
I was a coward, and I knew it. I didn't want him to know how I felt about him until I knew for sure that he felt the same way. I loved so wholeheartidly that I wouldn't even hate him if he hated me. I would go on loving him. But I still would hate myself. I didn't deserve Nathaniel, that much was certain. Look at all my flaws! I was impulsive, I always missed the obvious, I had a terrible problem with getting annoyed easily when I really got into something, I was totally inconsiderate, I was obnoxious, I was selfish, I was stupid, I was slow, I was tactless, I was mean, I was cruel, I was - everything wrong for him!
Nathaniel doesn't know about all my flaws, I realized, and he doesn't realize a lot of them either.
He didn't. He didn't know all of the stuff I'd done before I'd gotten here, the people I'd hurt, how nasty I'd been.
Even to Myra. Myra! Myra, my housekeeper, Myra, who I missed more than anyone else from my old life.
I don't deserve someone as good as Nathaniel. And he doesn't deserve to be stuck with someone like me. He deserves much better.
Much better!
Mountains better!
I knew it was true.
I knew it was true, and it bothered me. It made me angry with myself for wasting Nathaniel's time so long.
More proof that he deserved better.
If he loved me, even close to the amount of love I felt for him, it was my fault. If I hadn't dropped out of the sky, his life would have continued on without me meeting him in the garden. He'd have found his way somewhere eventually, gotten a job, lived alone, met a girl, fell in love, got married, and lived happily every after. He'd have gotten the life he deserved.
But he wouldn't.
Not as long as I was here.
I was the only thing standing between Nathaniel and his happily ever after.
That had to change.
If I left, Nathaniel could have that happily ever after.
He'd get over me.
It wasn't possible that he loved me as much as I loved him, so I was certain that he'd get over me.
I would go home.
I would heartbroken, but I would go home.
Nathaniel would get his happily ever after.
I'd be getting more than I deserved.
I sighed and shook my head to try and clear it.
It didn't work.
Ugh! Hadn't I been excited to go home only minutes ago? Or, hours, or however long it had been? I'd been ecstatic!
Maybe I could stay for a little while longer. A year, maybe. Two at most. I'd find Mandy after that and ask to be transported home.
She would, probably.
OK, maybe three years, and that was it.
NO! I yelled at myself.
Honestly, every minute I spent here would just be a waste of Nathaniel's time, of his love, (if he did love me) of the love that someone else deserved.
I couldn't justify another year here.
Not even a minute, but here I was, wasting it.
I would go home. And I would be happy about it. I would see Myra, make up for all the times I was nasty. I would set everything right at home. Everything would go back to normal, and I'd be the only one hurt.
But that wasn't true.
Plus, I deserved whatever hurt I'd get out of this, and then some.
I was hurting Nathaniel every second.
Ugh! I would go home! I would be happy about it!
Author's Note: Alright, this story is ALMOST over, I know how I'm going to end it and I know quite a ways as to where I'll go with the sequal to this... which I'll write if you guys would be willing to read it. (Finally I'm going to finish a story: I haven't done that since, like, kindergarten:)
Please review!
I'll go back and rewrite my terrible writing in this story after I finish it...
Oh, and I'll tell you more about the sequal at the end of this story.
Thanks!
Jade