Pride

What would the child you once were think of the adult you've become?

During his years as a cadet, the Winged Sister was always packed with people from Shiganshina and all over the Walls. Merchants, craftsmen, shopkeepers, hunters from the mountains, farmers selling their surplus harvest, Shiganshina's military, local men and women who'd been loyal patrons to the Winged Sister since her debut as a small coffee shop, and, of course, every cadet in the southern region. The training camp was less than five miles from the city, so it came as no surprise the tavern often found the Crossed Swords among the clientele.

And he was no different.

Not much had changed about the old place since last he saw it. The tavern was still filled with a roaring crowd that was all at once laughing, arguing, shouting encouragement at drinking games, and flirting with the serving girls. Full-fledged soldiers of all three regiments still gathered under this same roof, as well as the trainees. Only their faces were younger and they engaged in drinking games that made him cringe in embarrassment when he remembered how he'd done the same once upon a time. (Like the time he'd woken up in the landlord's office with a throbbing head, a burned jacket, and Nile sitting by his feet and Val leaning over the back of the sofa he was laying on.)

They were bittersweet memories, though. A nice reminder of when the three of them were inseparable. Except, of course, Val was dead now and he and Nile….well…enough said there.

In the final hour before close, Erwin sat alone at one of the tables closer to the hearth, sipping at a glass of water, not alcohol, and observing the drastically different evening crowd. The night was still, no winter storms or wind to batter the windows, and an unfamiliar silence permeated the tavern. The schoolteacher Meisner sat in the corner grading papers, Erikas sat quietly in his chair by the crackling fire and sketched, same as usual, and a pair of older Garrison men, plus an MP, were sitting by the door playing cards. Ada stopped at their table to ask if they'd like 'one more fore the road' and indicated the empty glass mugs on the table.

"Don't try talking me into anything else, dear." Erwin heard the MP say, smiling patting the girl's arm in a fatherly manner.

Hearing a clatter to the side, Erwin turned his head and found Levi stacking chairs atop the cleared tables, then sweeping dust out from the floorboards below. He caught his eye when he was closer and nodded politely, but black-haired man just continued with his work, occasionally pausing to cough into the crook of his elbow. He'd been coughing all day, Erwin had noticed, sometimes a subtle one, other times a brief fit that had the nearest patron asking after his well-being. He'd impatiently assure them he was fine and disappeared into the kitchen to wash his hands, then continued with his work, only clear his throat and start the process all over again some five or ten minutes later. In the end, the old landlord had finally pulled him aside, murmured a few words, presumably telling him to go rest up because he shortly patted a gentle hand against his back and steered him toward the stairs.

The landlord, all the serving girls, and both cooks had given him the stink eye when he joined them for the evening clean-up twenty minutes ago, but their disapproval went entirely unnoticed. So with no other choice than to deal with it, they all went about their nightly chores without a word. Mathilde and Ethne wiped down tables and dusted off the military paraphernalia and ornamental weaponry, Petra set about cleaning the windows, and Alessio and Jonaton continued scrubbing dishes in the back.

Levi was on his way back to the kitchen, probably to fetch the mop and bucket when the landlord stopped him. Erwin didn't hear what was said between them, but the old man nodded toward the fireplace where his grandson was curled up on the hearth rug with his friends. A few more words were spoken between them, then Levi nodded and propped his broom against a table. Sitting in his favorite chair, Erikas raised his head as the Underground Rogue approached, knelt beside the sleeping trio and gathered the smallest one, and his book, up in his arms. The boy yawned in his sleep and tucked his head into the hollow of Levi's neck. The man almost smiled at that, gently patting a hand against his blond hair.

"Come on." Levi said to the cat curled up with them. The old, black and white mouser, whom Erwin remembered seeing as a kitten when he was a cadet, rose to her feet and leisurely stretched across the carpet. Raising her tail in the air, she flexed her claws in front of her, then extended her furry legs behind her, one of them kicking somewhat in the air. Levi rolled his eyes, snapping his fingers only be ignored as the she-cat sat down to work a snarl out of her tail. "Any time now." Finally, she turned her paws in Levi's direction and trotted forward, first leaping onto the table, and then onto his shoulder, purring and rubbing her head against him. "There you go."

Before he could go anywhere, though, the Winged Sister's front door open and the local doctor stepped in. Levi jabbed a thumb behind him to indicate the fireplace and the man smiled in satisfaction when he saw his son and foster daughter curled together. When he stepped forward to collect them, however, he turned and stopped Levi as he was walking toward the stairs. "How are you feeling?"

Levi hesitated. "I'm fine."

"Your roommate mentioned to me you were still coughing. Is that true?"

The look on the Rogue's face was conflicted. He shot a disparaging glare toward Petra, who pointedly turned her back and continued scrubbing the window with renewed vigor. Levi looked down at the floor and shuffled his feet, then tentatively nodded, as though it were his fault.

A troubled look came over the taller man's face and he thoughtfully crossed his arms, cupping his chin with one hand. "Are you experiencing any other symptoms aside from the coughing? Be honest with me."

"No, sir." He shook his head. "Just the coughing."

Dr. Jaeger frowned as though he didn't believe him and extended his hand to check for fever but seemed to think better of it and merely nodded. "All right. I'm passing through here tomorrow morning, so I'll bring a cough suppressant you can try."

Levi took a small step back, keeping his arms around the child he was holding, as though the man were offering him an illegal substance of some kind. "You know I can't afford medicine." Was all he said, a small amount of worry creeping into his voice. Immediately after saying this, though, he turned his head away and began coughing so hard, Erwin saw tears forming in the corners of his eyes. The landlord's grandson woke with a start and stared at him in alarm. Petra turned away from the window, as did the other serving girls from their chores and the MPs. Even Erikas raised his head from his sketching and the old landlord looked up from his paperwork. Only Dr. Jaeger's children remained oblivious, sleeping on the hearth rug. By the time Levi recovered, he was shaking and avoiding everyone's eyes by staring at the floor.

"We'll worry about payment some other day." Dr. Jaeger said. "I'm a little worried these coughing fits haven't cleared up by now. You've been staying inside, yes? Keeping the windows closed?" Levi nodded again, looking a little sullen at being asked, which teased a smile out of the Plague Doctor. "I know it's difficult, but it really is for the best. Try to bear it a little longer, okay?"

Another nod, and the landlord's grandson wrapped his arms around his neck. Levi stiffened at the contact, but Erwin could see the boy's face from where he sat, and worried he was. Were they close? Most the time, the little introvert kept to himself, only did chores in the kitchen, and rarely talked to patrons and seasonal employees like Levi and Petra. A lot like his father, Erwin had noted on multiple occasions, and very little like his mother.

Dr. Jaeger nodded. "Besides, I hear you're fond of tea, so you may appreciate the remedy I have in mind."

"All right." Levi turned to leave, taking several steps before looking back with a polite nod. "Good night, Doctor."

"Sleep well." The man turned to retrieve his own children, carefully scooping up the girl, making sure she was situated, then the boy, all with fluid motions that didn't wake either of them in the slightest. He nodded to Erwin has he passed him and bid the rest of the Winged Sister good night before disappearing through the door.

One by one, the remaining patrons and workmen of the Winged Sister finished their chores for the night and filed out. The MP and Garrison men were first, returning their mugs to the bar and thanking the landlord and bidding him a good night on their way through the door. Then Meisner packed up his papers and left as well, tipping his hat. Finally, Erikas folded his tablet and rose to his feet, lumping like a great grey bear to the door. Petra was the first to finish her chore of cleaning the windows and dashed up to the second floor, clearly worried for her friend. Then Ada, Ethne, and Mathilde were gone, locking the door behind them and flipping the hand-carved sign to Close.

Only Erwin and the old landlord remained in the tavern, sitting in silence aside from the crackling fireplace and the occasional clang of a pot or pan being washed in the kitchen. The landlord was always the last to retire, staying up late with his endless papers and notes and a single candle. Erwin was never sure what time he finally turned, only that it was always long after the day closed on Shiganshina.

Draining the last of his water glass, he rose and made his way to where the old man sat, intending to leave the glass where the cooks would collect it, say good night with a cordial smile, and make way upstairs to his room. Just as he always did. He set the glass on the counter, nodded briefly to the landlord, and started to wish him a good night-

"Mike told me everything, you know."

Erwin paused, one knee bent with his toes just touching the floor. "Is that so?"

He'd known this conversation had been waiting to happen. The first day he'd returned to the Winged Sister, he'd been greeted by old friends, familiar smiles, and the jovial demand, "Where've you been all these years? Is an officer's life so hectic you can't drop by anymore?" The landlord shook his hand and welcomed him home like a long-lost son, smiling a smile that had become so sad and weary since they last met. Patrons he'd known as a cadet had flooded him with questions after his wellbeing, his life in the Corps, whether or not he was married, and so on and further. He answered them as much as he could, slightly uncomfortable as he'd forgotten how tight-knit and friendly the regulars of the Winged Sister could be.

By the second day, however, the tavern became almost quiet in his presence. Everyone seemed wary around him somehow, as though he were a potential threat who'd wandered into their lives with no intention of leaving. No one was hostile in any way, just distant and uncomfortably polite. At first, he'd thought they'd noticed the distance that had grown between them. It was an understandable conclusion. They remembered him as the boy from the Training Regiment, not the man in the Survey Corps. They remembered a child who used to spend his time with Val and Nile, balancing the strength of their friendship with his determination to excel in his studies and answer the questions humanity had asked since the beginning of Walls.

He was only partly correct. They also remembered an idealist who wouldn't even consider what he'd done the Underground Rogue.

"What was the ultimatum you gave Levi, Isabel Magnolia, and Farlan Church when you had them captured?"

Erwin said nothing.

"What was to be done with them if they refused your offer to join the Survey Corps? They were wanted criminals, yes? Execution, perhaps? Life imprisonment? Seventy-odd years in the northern labor camp? Surely you remember what those mines are like." The chair creaked as he looked up at him. "Was it really his choice to be a part of your madness?

He tried to think of the words he'd prepared for this moment, the speech he'd been building since he knew the landlord would eventually discover the truth. He always did. Nothing escaped his notice in the Winged Sister. Not theft, not rumors, not troubles in his patrons' lives, and certainly not the hostile, almost malicious, resentment Levi held for him. That hadn't escaped anyone's notice.

He wanted to speak and give the old man his reasons, to tell him how the Survey Corps was desperate for skilled soldiers, but now the words on his mind felt like a feeble, petty excuse. He'd never wanted Magnolia and Church to die. They were both talented; it was a shame to lose them. As soldiers, and as human lives.

The landlord was right.

It was blackmail, plain and simple. It wasn't their choice.

Not that those three were entirely innocent; they had been intent on killing him. That, at least, had certainly been their choice.

"Since you were born," The innkeeper said. "You've known a blue sky and wind and rain and snow. Every morning since the birth of our world, the sun has always risen and cast its light on our people, no matter where we are. Walls or not, titans or not, that will always stay the same. Yet those three children, and so many others, were denied that right at birth and trapped in a foul and oppressing prison, condemned by society and the social class for crimes committed by their parents and grandparents and even ancestors. They did whatever it took to survive, forsaking the law and forfeiting pride and safety alike all because some lord or other up here decreed it so. They couldn't have a life with a blue sky and sunlight or wind or rain. And now two of them never will." His weathered fist tightened against the bar. "Remember that, boy."

When the old man turned back to his paperwork, Erwin made his way toward the stairs, taking his silence with him. Each step made made an earsplitting 'creak' as he climbed higher and higher, carrying the weight of past transgressions with him. The corridor on the second floor was dark, but he knew it well. Expertly placing on foot in front of the other, he made his way through the blackness, conscious of guests and tenants relaxing in their rooms as he counted the doors he passed. One. Two, three. Four….he paused again.

Levi and Petra shared this room, he remembered. In the daylight, he would've recognized it by a door slightly newer than the others, as a drunken idiot had crashed through some years back. In the darkness, it was just a vague outline, with a thin line a light by the floor. He heard Petra ask something, followed by Levi grumbling in response, then a laugh from the former. He raised his hand to knock, then faltered.

What was he going to say?

He really wasn't all that different from the Rogue. Had their luck been reversed, he was certain he'd have made the same choices. Had he been born in the blackness of the Underground, he'd have done whatever it took to survive and to get out, and to hell with what was beyond the Walls. The Underground had Walls of their own, only they were Stairways, and Titans were humans who scorned them and called them filthy. Thieves, beggars, whores, outcasts, heretics.

What use is a world beyond when all they wanted was to stand in a world above?

He lowered his hand.

Forgive me.

-0-0-0-

Author's Notes: How do you like my new cover art?

I've got nothing against Erwin. Really, I don't, but….let's admit it. What he did to Levi is pretty messed up. Two options: Survey Corps or Military Police, and both are a potential death sentence or a life of continuous hardship and misery. One thing I noticed that was different between the manga and anime adaptation is Erwin seems a bit more condescending toward Levi. Just some of the things he says and the way he acts around him. It adds an interesting tone to their relationship, and I wanted to explore that in the ventures where they learn to tolerate each other and eventually find their own form of forgiveness.

Happy Halloween!

Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin is owned by Hajime Isayama. All artwork and fanfiction is completely non-profit.