A/N: Thanks everyone for the positive response to the fic! I'm happy you're enjoying it so far even if the topic isn't enjoyable at all. I'm keeping the chapters a little shorter for now, shorter than usual, but somehow I feel as if I don't want to overload them with too much heavy content. Might change as soon as we get further into the plot :)
Thanks Steph for your work and input!
Anna approached Brittany as soon as Mrs McClark had left the salon.
"What was that about earlier?" she asked her, a confused expression on her face.
"What do you mean?" Brittany wanted to know, though she already had a pretty good idea what her colleague was referring to.
"You running after Ms Lopez" the woman clarified, tilting her head.
"I didn't know that you knew her" Brittany said slowly.
"She's been here a few times, how do you know her?" Anna queried.
The blonde hairdresser swallowed. "She's my ex and former best friend. We've dated for five years..."
"Oh..." Anna replied slowly, looking guilty. "I didn't know..."
She paused, giving Brittany a compassionate look. "I'm really sorry, you must be... - you must feel terrible" she finally said.
"It's okay" the other woman said, shrugging. Anna looked a little incredulous.
"I know it's often hard in relationships to deal with... well... such things" she mumbled. "How is she doing?"
Brittany raised an eyebrow, not really understanding why their breakup seemed to be such a big deal to her co-worker.
"Um... I don't know... she seems okay. She's in a relationship with someone else."
"Oh, I see..." Anna replied slowly, apparently worried to hit dangerous ground. "Well... if you see her, tell her she can come in any time, and send her my best wishes."
Brittany's frown only deepened but she nodded. "I will."
She grabbed a broom, attempting to clean up the hair around the chair where her client had sat only minutes ago, when the small glass door swung open and Amber came into the salon, carrying a huge tray that was covered with aluminium foil.
"Hey baby" she greeted the blonde happily, balancing the tray on one arm to hug her girlfriend with the other, positioning a kiss on her cheek. "You done yet?"
Brittany smiled and nodded, rubbing Amber's back. "Almost. Just cleaning that up. How are you?"
"I'm good. I brought us some canapés from work. Made sure to save you some of your favorite shrimp cocktails" she said, smiling proudly. "Thought we could take them to my place - or yours, however you like - and pop in a movie?"
"Sounds good" Brittany nodded, putting scissors and combs back into the shelf. She grabbed her jacket and put it on, quickly hugging Anna goodbye.
They left the salon, Amber's arm wrapped around her girlfriend's waist as she leaned her head against Brittany's shoulder.
"And how was your day? Anything special happened?"
Brittany thought back to Santana. Then she looked at Amber, the woman she had grown to like - maybe even love - more and more each day in those past months. She really wasn't a friend of lying. She sighed.
"Actually... yes. I'll tell you over dinner okay?"
Amber looked slightly concerned, studying her girlfriend's face.
"Okay" she finally said. "Tell me everything."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Santana wasn't even blinking anymore when the long needle slowly disappeared inside of her arm. She stared at the wall in front of her while Loredana took her blood sample, her mind occupied otherwise.
Loredana wasn't much older than Santana, maybe a couple of years. She gave the other woman a concerned look, sensing that something was odd. The two of them had spent quite some time together in the past year and the young doctor had felt attached to the Latina right from the beginning. Of course people at med school told you not to get emotionally involved when treating clients, but that was easier said than done once you got to know someone and had to break the news to them that they might not have much longer to live. Especially when said person was still so young.
"How are you feeling?" the short, dark-haired doctor asked her and Santana kept staring.
"Like shit, honestly" she told her, not meeting Loredana's eyes. The room felt suffocating. The dark green carpet, the shelf with countless medical books in it. Loredana sighed.
"I'm going to send those to the lab" she told her, carefully pulling the needle out and putting a cotton ball on the slightly bleeding spot. "If everything's fine we can start the next round very soon."
Santana's expression was empty when she turned her head around to look at the other woman.
"I don't want another chemo" she stated, causing Loredana's eyes to widen.
"What are you talking about? What do you mean you don't want? It's not a matter of wanting, San. It is important..."
Santana chuckled ironically.
"I'm done with it, Lory. Seriously." She grabbed her hair and tugged on it, removing her wig.
"You see this?" she told her. "My hair. It's gotten longer again. It's almost covering my ears again. I'm slowly getting back to my old self. I was at the hairdresser today, I wanted to ask for a new one, a slightly different one. But then I thought, for what, you know? It's pointless."
"San..." the doctor tried to interrupt her but Santana waved her off.
"If I get a chance to feel normal again for the last days, then I want to take it. I don't want to go through all this shit again just so you can tell me a few weeks later that there are new metastases everywhere. It's a fucking joke. I'm so done with it."
Loredana closed her eyes for a second in defeat, letting out a deep breath.
"Santana, where is this coming from? You're so mixed up today. I haven't seen you this messed up since..."
She paused when Santana looked the other way and she knew her assumptions weren't wrong.
"Are you talking to her again?" the woman queried but Santana remained silent.
"How? When? Where?" the doctor went on.
Santana looked down on her lap, toying with her fingernails.
"She's working at the salon."
Loredana nodded as if she understood. "Did you tell her?"
Santana looked at her with raised eyebrows, shaking her head as if the other woman were insane. "No, I certianly did not tell her. And I'm not going to."
"You should" the doctor stated matter-of-factly, letting her hand rest on the brunette's shoulder. "You know you should."
"That's what you told me the last time" Santana replied, rolling her eyes.
"Yes and I'll tell you over and over again. You should have listened to me back then. You've been feeling miserable. Before and after you broke up, it didn't make it better for you at all."
"It wasnt supposed to make it better for me it was supposed to make it better for her" Santana half yelled, close to losing her temper.
Loredana shook her head. "Santana, this logic, it's... oh my... she's going to find out anyway, sooner or later."
"Yes, when she reads about my death in the newspaper."
"San!" the woman exclaimed, bringing her hands to her head.
"What?"
A long silence followed.
"Okay, so what, San" Loredana finally continued, looking almost angry herself by now. "Even if I don't want to think about it that way, let's talk hypothetically here... so she reads about your death, what then? Do you have any idea how that's gonna make her feel? That you completely shut her off? She's going to think that you didn't trust her. That you'd rather deal with all of this alone instead of having her by her side..."
"I wrote her a letter for that case. She will get it then. It will explain everything" Santana said slowly, her voice numb again.
Loredana couldn't stop shaking her head at the way her patient - her friend - acted.
"I think you're punishing yourself with this act... Though I don't know for what. But why would you listen to me. I'm just your doctor, not your therapist or your confessor, right?" she huffed.
"Right..." Santana replied in a bitter voice. Loredana sighed.
"So... are you going to meet her or what?"
Santana nodded. "One last time..." she paused. "To say goodbye."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When Santana got to their old favorite café downtown, Brittany was already sitting at a small table in the corner of the room. Her blonde hair was wavy, hanging loosely around her shoulders, shimmering in the dim light of the lamp above her. She seemed lost in thoughts, drawing circles with her index finger on a napkin. She looked so innocent and beautiful, it broke Santana's heart.
When Brittany looked up and their eyes met, the blonde smiled warmly and Santana returned the smile. She walked over to the table and they hugged, briefly, before Santana sat down across from her.
"I havent ordered yet... because I wasn't sure you'd actually show up" Brittany said shyly.
"Can't blame you for that" Santana mumbled.
When the waiter came by, both of them ordered a hot cocoa with marshmallows and Brittany giggled happily when she could take her first sip, soon having a small chocolate frame around her lips.
"So... tell me... what have you been up to these past months?"
Santana had expected that question and prepared a bunch of excuses for this case.
"I've tried to change my life a little bit... Tried to live a little healthier, to see things, to travel..."
She tried to analyze Brittany's expression. The blonde smiled but her eyes seemed empty, with a hint of sadness. What was she telling her? It probably sounded like "oh when you were gone I started enjoying my life and travelling the world, all those things that I couldn't do with you."
But what sh1ould she tell her? "I've been through chemo. Still I've got metastases everywhere. Some days I've been too weak to leave the house and the meds made me throw up all of the time. I tried to mentally prepare myself that I'm gonna die. I went through hell. I missed you every single fucking day."
Yeah, that would have been accurate.
"I'm glad to hear you had a good time. What places did you visit?"
Doctor's offices. Hospitals. Therapists.
"I've been to Europe. Paris. Barcelona. Very pretty."
Brittany smiled.
"I still want to see Paris. Is the Eiffel Tower really leaning to one side?"
"No, that's the one in Pisa" Santana explained, but it didn't sound lecturing. In fact it made her smile. She would have loved to have seen all of these places with Brittany.
"Oh." Brittany replied, blushing. "I always confuse France and Spain"
Santana grinned and nodded. "Me too."
"So Loredana has been with you?"
Yes. During chemo. During CTs. During my nervous breakdown.
"Yeah, we visited her family in Italy. Beautiful landscape down there."
These lies were ridiculous.
"How did you meet your girlfriend? What was her name again?" Santana wanted to know, finally changing the subject.
"Amber" Brittany smiled. "Met her at the salon. But we didn't travel anywhere. At least not yet. She's often at work, she has to cater events and stuff. She's an awesome cook, always brings home leftovers. It's nice."
"Sweet."
This conversation was awkward.
Brittany seemed to sense that Santana felt uncomfortable and reached out over the table to capture the Latina's hand with her own.
"I'm glad we are finally talking again" she told her. "I have to say... I was really sad that you cheated on me... but I'm not mad anymore. If this is what you needed to be happy, then I'm okay with that. I wasn't at first but I am now" she said, emphasizing her words with a nod.
"You're special, Santana and I hated not having you in my life. We used to be so close. Not only when we were dating, also all these years before that, you know? We were a team. Losing that really hurt me, I didn't feel complete."
Santana nodded, feeling her hand get sweaty where Brittany touched it, feeling the tears swell up again that she definitely could not let the other woman see.
"Remember when we were in high school?" Brittany continued, smiling. "You always protected me. From Sue, or when the other kids picked on me for being stupid. Or that one time when Jacob tried to grope my ass? You've always been there for me, always made me feel safe. When I think back to all this it still makes me smile, you know? We were best friends. Don't you think we can go back to that? I mean, not now, not right away, but... slowly? Maybe?"
Her voice sounded hopeful and Santana realized she was still that little girl she had always known. Still the same Brittany whom she had fallen for a long long time ago. The girl she'd always wanted to protect because she was just too trusting and gullible for her own good, always seeing the best in people. She couldn't stand the thought that people would take advantage of that. She sure as hell hoped this Amber chick treated her well. She might be weak, but she'd still kick that woman's ass if she had to.
"I don't know..." Santana said after a while, carefully trying to remove her hand from underneath Brittany's. "But... I missed you too."
She knew it was probably wrong to say this, that it wouldn't help her get out of this situation, but it was a truth she couldn't deny.
"Would you want to see me again?" Brittany finally asked. "I mean, you could bring Lory. Oh, that would be totally awesome, a double date. You meet Amber, I'm sure you'll like her, and I'll meet Lory and we'll do something fun, like, I don't know, miniature golf? Sounds fun?"
Brittany's eyes were glowing and she clapped her hands together in excitement. Santana mentally cursed herself for ever having considered this could work out.
"Please San, say yes!" Brittany tried to encourage her ex, giving the brunette her best puppy dog eyes.
Santana knew she shouldn't have agreed to any of this. She shouldn't have walked into this salon. Where would this stop? When? How? One meeting would be turning into two meetings, then three, then what? They'd become best friends again? Brittany wouldn't just let go after another 'date', Santana knew the blonde too well. And how was this supposed to work? She wasn't even dating anyone, especially not her doctor.
"Just once" Brittany continued. "If Lory doesn't like me or Amber then we don't have to repeat it. Though I'm sure that won't happen."
Yes, great. She would agree to seeing her again and then she would not only have to live with the fact that she had lied to her and that she would have to deal with spending time with her again, she would also have to deal with seeing Brittany with another woman. She'd somehow have to convince her she was in a longterm relationship. She was running into a dead end. No way could she agree to this. No way she would say yes. She would come up with an excuse now. She'd be as honest as possible, tell her that she couldn't do it, tell her that she didn't want it. Yep, she would say no.
"San?" Brittany asked carefully, looking a little sad.
"Yeah... yes, okay."
Okay? Santana mentally threw her hands up in the air to tear at her fake hair. Even after all this time Santana was still whipped. She couldn't believe herself.
"Awesome" Brittany exclaimed happily, biting her fist to keep herself from grinning even wider.
"Awesome..." Santana echoed, trying to sound at least a little cheerful.
She stared at the woman in front of her who was emptying her cocoa, looking so happy and relieved. She dug in her bag to grab her cell, opening her text app. She quickly clicked on Loredana's name in the contact list and typed the message, shaking her head at herself.
'I need your help...'