Christian's POV
I had to admit it myself. I wanted to blame myself. It's always the same pattern. I feel comfort in blaming guilt. But this wasn't the way… this shouldn't have been the way… not now not ever.
I knocked gently and opened the door open not waiting for a response. I knew she was up… Ana had been trying to get her to talk… We had to figure something out.
'Sera... There's someone who wants to talk you...' I started as I entered the room.
'I don't want to talk to anyone...' She replied as she continued searching in her wall unit.
'Not even me?' John asked as he followed me inside.
'u... Hi...' She answered reluctantly as they kept staring at each other.
'I'll leave you two alone...' I said again as I exited the room leaving them to talk in privacy.
John's POV
I moved forward and helped her down from the chair. I hoisted her down slowly from her only functional arm. The first look I took at her face brought shivers down my spine. Ana described me how severely bruised her face was, but I didn't expect it to be this much. Guess Thompson did make some job... Taylor taught him good... in the wrong way.
I took in her body, and she removed my hands immediately as I held her from her waist, and avoided my look in an instant. I realized she was slowly relapsing... This is what I was feared... She had to face her biggest fear... The wound that was slowly closing opened again leaving blood gushing out… But there had to be something else. I could feel her bones from under her clothes, and she was clearly losing weight again.
I took a seat on the edge of her bed, but she was soon there holding me from my arm before my behind was on the bed. I realized the control was back...
'Sorry... I just made it...' she replied. 'You can take my chair... Or the couch... If you want...' she replied as she pointed to it while still fixing the tiny dent I made. I moved forward to her and stopped her from, keeping this up. This only worked if the control was taken away. I guided her to the couch she had in her room, and sat her down. I took in her room... It was different than what she had in our home. She had a private bathroom, and light baby pink shade of walls, a balcony, a wall unit, a walk in closet, a large desk with her laptop situated in the middle.
There was nothing out of order, and a peaceful smell of lavender mixed with some herb was clearly making me feel more comfortable. I realized why she loved her confines. It is exactly her. A shelf of books was situated beside her bed, and a stack of books was on her bedside cabinet. The walls were filled with ballerina paintings, along with family pictures. There were clearly timelines, and timeframes... Memories that kept Jason alive... But there was nothing that a teenager would put...no poster of some hot actor or model...no posters of boy bands... Nothing...just simple...
'You have a nice room...' I started wanting to finally break the ice.
'Thanks... Mum helped me decorate it...'
'You have similar qualities... I love it... Even the way you made the colour and ambient work...' I continued while she remained quiet.
'My parents called you... Didn't they?'
'I'm not going to lie to you...' I admitted. 'That won't take us anywhere... It will only lose your respect and trust in me... Yes they did... They're worried about you Sera...'
'Dad needs you more than I do…' She admitted as she looked down at her hands.
'…and why do you think that?'
'The usual Blame Game… It's eating him alive…' She reasoned. '…and I don't know how to make him stop…'
'Well… he is worried about you…'
'There's nothing to be worried about Jo...uncle...' she replied in irritation as she stood up from beside me.
'Sera... Sera... Calm down...' i moved forward and stopped her into her tracks. 'Tell me... How do you feel about this?'
'It's just... I don't need this! Whenever there's something they cannot work out, they come to you as if you are a god or something... Thinking you'd solve everything for God's sake!' she reasoned as she looked straight into my eyes until she retreated back. 'I…I'm sorry... I was out of line... I take back what I said... You helped me so much... And you pulled me up from my hair when I was in deep shit...'
'Sera... Sera stop!' I instructed gently. 'You didn't hurt me... In a way you are right… Your parent's are stll trying to figure everything out and I don't blame you for feeling that way… And I was glad I could help you out... And I don't mind having to do it again! Your parents called me because you are relapsing... And from, what I'm seeing, I know they're right...' I explained as i guided her back to the couch and sat her down on my lap and held her close to me. It always calmed her... Both when she was younger and even when she was at our house.
'It's not fair uncle...' she started as she calmed down.
'What is not fair?'
'I tried... I listened to him in doing the right thing... In trying to keep dad safe… And it back fired uncle...' she admitted barely audible.
'What happened munchkin...'
'I don't want to talk about it...'
'Ok...' I replied back. 'What happened to your face?'
'Didn't mum tell you? Or dad for the matter?'
'They did... But I want you to tell me...'
'It's nothing... I pissed Earl off...'
'So you believe you deserved this?' I asked again while she remained quiet. 'Honey just because you piss someone off, doesn't give them the right to be physical... That is why human rights have been established... And freedom of speech is one of them...'
'...It's not only that... What I did was wrong... Mum gave me one simple instruction John, and I did the opposite… I wanted to face him alone…'
'Honey... You acknowledge that what you did is wrong… There is no need to keep blaming yourself...'
'It surely doesn't feel that way...'
'Why aren't you eating?'
'I... I'm not hungry...'
'Sera... Are you truly not hungry or are you restraining yourself...' I tried again. She tried letting lose of my grip and stand up, but I still held her down. 'No sera... Stay...'
'I am not restraining... I... Just can't...'
'Can't is just a word... You are stronger that this... You know you can do it...'
'John... Please stop!' she begged. 'I trusted Eric… I made the wrong judgment…'
'So is this it? You don't trust yourself?'
'I don't know John… maybe…' She replied back. I knew someday this might happen… and not trusting oneself is one of the reasons that people give up. I didn't want her to be one of them.
'Sera do you honestly believe those words?'
'Yes... Yes I do believe them... I've been blinding myself with the picture perfect... I've been deceiving myself... That is not reality...'
'This is reality sera...I'm sorry I have to be blunt... But if your Eric and Earl fucked up then it is their problem... You are blaming yourself for something that you had no control over... Sera you have to atop punishing yourself for something that you didn't do!' I tried again while she remained quiet.
I raised my head trying to find something to inspire me maybe I could get her to see reason. But she was like her father… and she was stubborn as he is… However, a shadow behind her desk caught my eye. It was out of line with the other shadow. I got up and moved to the desk. I slid my hand between the space and there it was. I brought out the box and kept staring at her with it in my hand. She let her head drop in defeat. I moved back beside her and opened the sowing kit. It had blades, and bandages, and surgical spirit.
'I've never used them…' She admitted.
'I know… they're new…' I noticed. '…but why are you keeping this?'
'For emergencies…' She admitted.
'Sera… I'm glad and relieved that you're not using these… but keeping them here will only result in going back to it.'
'I was planning on throwing it out… I just…'
'…you were scared? Scared that if you do so you won't have your easy route… scared that you won't be able to cope during hard times?' I tried.
'Yeah… something like that…' She admitted. 'I want to be able to talk to my parents when I have the urge to do so… but when I tried… dad went ballistic… He was saying why I'm killing myself… and why I'm doing this and that he can't understand… with mum… it's different… when I told her, she kind of talked me out of it… but she had to tell dad and the story repeated itself…'
'Honey you have to understand that your father is scared of losing you…' I explained gently. 'I already talked to him… he's willing to try and listen to you more… only if you give him another chance.'
'…and how many am I going to keep giving? Don't get me wrong… I'm not going to give up on him… but he's been saying this over and over again…'
'I know it's tiring… but he needs to know that you are going to give him a chance… just be honest with him… that's all he needs…' I explained gently. 'Let me tell you what… what if we throw these away together? You won't do it alone… I'll help you out…' I tried. '…or I can keep it… and when you feel the need to hurt yourself… you call me straight away…'
'You have far more important things to do than taking my crap…'
'Hey! I'm your Godfather and your uncle… I wasn't appointed as your Godfather for no reason munchkin… I want to help you if you let me…' I explained again. 'So… what are we going to do?' I asked again while she nodded in agreement. 'Good…' I smiled.
'Can I ask you something?' She finally said.
'Yeah sure… anything…' I smiled as she got up and moved to her desk. She brought out a stack of papers from one of her drawers and came back facing me.
'Ok… firstly I want you to know that I'm asking you because I trust you and because I know you can help me…' She started.
'Ok…' I replied suspiciously.
'…and I'm resorting to this because I really believe that this is something that will help me…' She continued as she handed me the papers. I quickly skimmed the papers and realized that she was talking about ECT – Electroconvulsive Therapy.
'Sera…' I started shocked. 'Where the hell did you get these?'
'Last week I was reading a scientific journal, and I came across this. I am one of the patients eligible for to do this treatment. Antidepressants don't work anymore… I can't eat… I constantly think about suicide…' She continued.
'What are you saying?' I asked again.
'Uncle you're a psychiatrist… I want you to… I'd like you to enroll me in this form of therapy. It has a high percentage success rate… and I don't want to remain like this…'
'What? No!'
'Uncle… this is a good chance to…'
'No Sera… No… this is out of discussion.'
'Uncle I know how this works… I've done my research… it is one of the most safest and effective treatments. It's under anesthesia… there are three types…'
'Sera it's no use telling me about this… I know how this works… My answer is no and there is nothing you can do to convince me in doing this on you… Do you realize what you're asking me to do? You're practically telling me to grab a naked live wire and touch it to your hand.'
'Uncle that's different.'
'No Sera… that is not different! You said you've read everything about this… then tell me what do you know about the side effects?'
'They are rare!'
'Rare but possible! 2 of my patients that under gone this treatment ended up a vegetable. They didn't remember who they were… who their family was… and another patient died Sera… not to mention the risk of stroke, pulmonary complications…cardiovascular complications…'
'They are rare!'
'…but that can happen… I don't want you to end up like that…' I said again as I stood up and paced away. 'Tell me this… did you tell your parents about this?'
'No...but…'
'No buts Sera! This is a risky procedure and there is no way in hell that I'm going to do this and no other psychiatrist for the matter! You're 17 for God's sake…'
'I know John… I know' She said again. '…but this may help… I look at it this way…'
'No… don't look at it any other way… My answer is no and it will remain no…'
'I don't want to spend my fucking whole life in therapy and recovery…' She admitted defeated.
'Sera!' I moved forward and hugged her tight. 'I know it's hard… but I'm not giving up on you and no one will for the matter of fact. Your father has been over 15 years in therapy…'
'I don't want to be like that…'
'…and you won't… because I'll help you through it…' I promised. '…but my answer is no… this is dangerous… I don't want you to be another statistical data.' I explained gently as I hugged her again. 'Sera… I have to tell your parents about this… they have to know…'
'No please… I…'
'Honey they want to help you… you need to allow them to do so…' I continued. 'They have to know about this… this I can't keep from them…' I explained gently. 'I'm doing this for your own good…'
'Yeah…' She replied back as she avoided my eyes. I caressed her cheek lightly but she soon removed my hand.
'Sera…'
'It's fine…' She replied back. 'I know you want what's best for me…'
'Do you believe that?'
'I'm trying to convince myself…' She replied back as I checked the time. It was almost 2pm and in an hour I had to pick up my kids.
'Listen… I soon have to go… What do you say if next Sunday I'll come for you and we'll go somewhere where we can talk?'
'I don't know…'
'Don't give me an answer now…Think about it Sera… the offer will remain open… We'll do it for old time's sake…' I smiled. 'You have my number… call me when you decided… ok?' I asked while she nodded. 'I love you munchkin'…' I smiled as I dropped a kiss on her forehead. 'Are you going to be ok?'
'Mhmm… I think so…' She smiled weakly as I made my way to the door.
'I hope to see you this Sunday…' I replied before I left.
Sera's POV
It's been almost 3 hours since John left. I was still uncomfortable with anything and everything… In a way he was right… I had to give him a chance… I had to talk to him… I freaked out this morning… I had to find my courage and face this. He only wanted to help me… maybe I should go out with dad… I want to be able to talk to him… somebody has to make the first step.
I went downstairs and mum was there discussing things with Gail. I could hear she was worried but I didn't want to make it obvious that I heard her.
'Mum?'
'Yes honey…' She replied as she quickly dried her tears.
'Where is dad?'
'In his study…' She replied. 'Is everything ok?'
'Yeah… I just need to talk to him…' I replied as I saw her smile.
'Go…' She encouraged.
I did as she told me and made my way to his study. I knocked gently on the door but I could hear him play the piano, and as usual he was lost into playing. I decided to go beside him.
Christian's POV
She wanted to get better and she wanted to do it fast without waiting for anything. I could understand that. I myself am not a man of patience. But this is my daughter… this is something I was never prepared to face.
A little hand on my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw that she was beside me.
'Do you have a minute?' She asked me gently.
'Yes…' I smiled as she came sitting beside me. 'You play beautifully…'
'Thanks…' I smiled. 'Do you want to play?'
'I don't know how… All I remember is that lullaby that you taught me…' she replied back as she placed her hand on a key.
'Didn't I teach you?'
'When I was around 4…' She replied. 'You started going to work for longer hours and you kept telling me that 'tomorrow you'll teach me'… I got tired of the same answer…'
'Do you want to learn?'
'If you want to…' She replied. '…but… I…'
'What is it honey?' I tried again. I knew this was hard for her.
'I… I'm sorry for this morning… I… I freaked out…' She replied as she looked ahead of her and saw the stack of papers John brought me. '…and I guess you know now too…' She continued ashamed of herself.
'Hey… don't be afraid…' I tried. 'I know you want the quick fix… hell… I wanted it too...' I continued. 'I'm not angry with you…'
'You're not?' She asked surprised.
'Well… I am worried that you want this… and I am afraid that you may try something… but no… I'm not angry…' I admitted. 'I'm past anger...'
'What about blame?' She asked. 'Dad I hate seeing you torment yourself this way… It's like you need to take responsibility for anything that happens… and I'm tired of having a guard for a father…'
'Is that how you feel?'
'Most of the times… yes… you order instead of talking… you get angry easily and you blame yourself for everything.'
'I'm sorry…'
'That's what I mean dad… you don't have to be sorry… I just want you to be a father… a dad… everyone can be a father but not everyone can be a dad…' She explained.
'Was I ever a dad to you?'
'Back when I was younger? Hell yes… I never wanted you to go anywhere… I just wanted you to keep me near your heart… that's all I ever wanted… then you pushed me away… and I craved for your attention… I really did… and out of the blues… you made me realize that you still love me when you gave me the locket with that heartwarming speech…' She continued. 'That was the happiest night of my life.'
'Do you ever doubt of my love to you?'
'Sometimes…' She admitted. 'I'm not saying this to hurt you…'
'You're not hurting me…' I cut her off. 'You can never hurt me… Sera… It's time that I put what I've been telling you into effect. It's time I face my own fears too…'
'You have fears? You never blink!'
'Just because I don't blink, doesn't mean that I don't get scared. Back when you were young I was afraid of you growing up… something I couldn't control… do you remember that song I used to sing to you when you were younger?' I asked her again.
'Yes…' She replied. 'I used to wait every night so that you'll sing it to me… but then… you kind of stopped…'
'Yeah…' I admitted. '…and I regret it…' I replied back as I hugged her tight to me, and tears slid across my face. 'Do you want me to sing it you?' I asked her gently while she nodded into my chest. I smiled to myself. She still wanted me to be a father to her.
Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
And I know that your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
Sweet Sera Grey
Sweet Sera Grey
So I wanted to say this
Cuz I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been
I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way that a father should love his daughter
Sweet Sera Grey
Sweet Sera Grey
She was crying into my chest. I held her stronger. I missed these moments between us. The lyrics… they meant everything I wanted to say to her… Ana was right… I should tell her about Elena and I…
'Peanut…'
'I love you dad!'
'Shh… I love you too peanut…' I comforted. 'Listen… I know it's probably early… but… do you want to go to the beach? It's quiet… the sound will relax us both… and I need to talk to you… I need to trust you in something…' I tried. 'Do you think you can do it?'
'Yes…' She replied.
'Are you sure?' I asked her again as I looked straight into her eyes. 'I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do…'
'I want to dad…' She smiled as I stood up and held my hand out for her to take it. I felt proud that moment she held took it. It reminded me of when she was young again… She still had the same touch. 'We were going to get somewhere…' I smiled to myself. 'I'll tell her about Elena today…'
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