A/N: I'm terribly sorry for being so slow with all of my updates. Uni & writer's block & no inspiration. I'll try to work a little faster again though ;) (oh and the chapter is twice as long as the others)
Need to thank sinanna (again!) and honeyfigsanddarkchocolate for helping me with their awesome beta skills. Also thanks for always motivating me and kicking my ass a little =) (oh and Cat, if you read this, you also always kick my ass, so thanks ;D)
Chapter 3
"No way!" Loredana said in a strict voice, holding her hands up defensively. "No way I'm going to pretend to be your girlfriend. Not only because I'm your doctor, San, mainly because I will not encourage your lies. Nope."
"Lory, come on. I'm begging you here, okay? What am I supposed to do? Seriously, I need you to do this for me" Santana pleaded desperately, shaking her head at the fact that she had gotten herself into this entirely messed up situation in the first place.
"I'll tell you what to do - you'll call Brittany, tell her that you changed your mind and that you wanna talk to her. Alone." The young doctor looked Santana straight in the eyes. "And then you'll meet somewhere quiet and you'll explain everything. And you'll see she'll understand and you can finally be honest with her."
Santana kept shaking her head.
"I thought I could count on you..." she mumbled through clenched teeth, her mind racing. People were obviously right when they said lying always got you into trouble. But it had worked out for so long. For over a year. She wasn't going to let it all blow up now.
She grabbed her phone, flipping through her contact list. She needed a female person who was desperate enough to play her date. Someone she could pay. Someone Brittany didn't know.
Santana got up from her chair, not even looking at Loredana as she was heading to the door.
"Santana, what are you doing?"
The other woman still had her eyes fixed on her phone's display as she grabbed the doorknob, not bothering to answer the other woman's question.
"Santana, seriously, don't make this more complicated than it already is. And do me a favour and stop stressing yourself so much, you need to get some rest, I don't like seeing you so - "
The door was shut before Loredana had a chance to finish her sentence. Santana was running down the stairs, already sending out texts to random ex-co workers, cursing the fact that she and Brittany had been so close, they basically knew all the same people.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized she was running into a dead end. It was ridiculous. It was mean.
She had told many white (and not so white) lies in her life, mostly for her own advantage, but this was bad, even for her. What had started out as a plan to protect the woman she loved was turning into a massive act that'd be impossible to keep alive forever. But why didn't she simply cancel? Why couldn't she call her, tell her she was sorry, tell her they should stop seeing each other? She had typed the text five times and deleted it. Five times she had tried to hit the damn send-button and tell her ex that it wasn't going to work out, yet she had always been unable to do so.
The truth was Santana had felt alive again for the first time and it terrified her. Brittany reminded her of the time when her life was still perfect. When her life was everything she ever could have hoped for.
Now, that her life had started falling into pieces and was slowly slipping out of her own hands, seeing Brittany had turned her world upside down. She had wanted to be selfless. The selfless lover, sparing her girlfriend the pain of losing her. It had made total sense. But selfless had turned into selfish, the selfish need to cling to the feeling she had gotten in that damn café. The feeling of being surrounded by the person she still loved, of being near her in a time when her whole existence felt entirely dark and senseless. Life was fucked up. She hated it.
Then again - what if something like fate existed? What if it had been her goddamn fate to run into Brittany in that salon? Maybe someone was sending her a sign, trying to tell her she'd been foolish for trying to get through this on her own?
No. Fate could go screw itself. It had made her sick in the first place. Fate was a bitch.
Santana let herself rest on some bench in a nearby park, feeling physically exhausted. She was watching a few children play hide and seek as their mothers were sitting together, chatting about their insignificant problems like housework or chicken pocks at school. She stared at the scenery in front of her and for the first time had to realize that there was probably no way out of this. It was either telling Brittany the truth or shutting her out of her life once and for all.
She felt so fucking helpless, the feeling was eating her. She hadn't allowed herself to get too upset about their recent encounter, had trusted her ability to handle the situation. Now that the date wasn't going to happen, there was nothing to look forward to anymore. She'd have to go back to this emptiness and the thought was awful. She had been so used to it, so used to pretending she was okay without her. Why did Brittany have to remind her that she wasn't okay at all?
For the first time since their meeting, tears were running down her cheeks, hot and fast. Santana was making a fist, her fingernails digging into her own flesh. She was angry, angry at her life, angry with Loredana, angry with Brittany, angry at her own body, her weakness. She was fucking angry at those stupid women over there who were watching their children. Santana was aware that she had no right to feel this way, but she couldn't help it.
This could be she and Brittany. She would have been a kickass mother. Strict but loving. And Brittany would have been an even better mother. Hell, Brittany was going to be a great mother. Only with someone else's baby and not Santana's.
Her cheeks were completely wet by now and she winced in surprise when an elderly woman that she hadn't noticed before suddenly touched her shoulder.
"Are you okay, sweetheart?" she asked with a raspy voice, her hair gray, her face wrinkly. Santana couldn't help but think that she herself would never look like this.
"Can I help you somehow?"
Santana wiped away her tears forcefully, shaking her head.
"No" she brought out, clearing her throat. "No thanks, but unless you're my fairy godmother and grant me three wishes I guess there's nothing you can do for me..."
The old lady gave her a compassionate smile, petting her shoulder.
"You know... sometimes it seems as if everything's going wrong, honey. As if there'll never be a way out of our problems... but we should never give up. Even in the darkest times, there's still hope" she told the younger woman. "And sometimes, when we least expect it, the happy times are waiting right around the corner." She smiled again.
Santana sniffled, blowing her nose with a tissue the older stranger had handed to her.
"It doesn't look like it" she sobbed. "It really doesn't look like it."
The woman sat down next to her, toying with the golden amulet she was wearing around her neck.
"Oh honey, you're far too young to be so desperate. Also far too pretty to look so concerned."
Santana let out an ironic laugh.
"You know, sometimes, when I feel a little sad, or when I'm missing my husband, I try to remember what makes me happy. I try to live every day as if it were my last. That doesn't mean I have to do special things, I simply do what makes me feel better in that moment, go for a walk, have breakfast on my porch, call an old friend..."
The Latina felt like telling the woman to shut up, like telling her that she had no idea what she was talking about, but she didn't want to be rude so she remained silent.
"I'm sure you have a lot of good friends. Call one of them. Do you have a boyfriend? I'm sure such a pretty young lady has the boys waiting in line on her doorstep..."
Santana had to roll her eyes.
"You know, I'm really not in the mood to talk. I'm really sorry, but things are more complicated than this. Not that I'd expect you to understand. I should get going..."
The woman nodded as Santana got up from the bench.
"I hope everything will be better soon. Try to appreciate the little things" the woman advised her and Santana nodded again, bringing out the closest thing to a smile that she could manage.
"Will do" she said as she continued her walk, leaving the park with fast steps.
Just as she had walked around the corner, heading back home, her phone suddenly vibrated. Maggie, her slightly annoying co-worker from the time when Santana had still been able to have a real job. She opened the text, reading the words that suddenly made her feel a little excited again. She read it once more, to make sure she wasn't imagining things, but the message remained the same.
"Perfect, I really need the cash. Count me in."
xxxxxxxx
Brittany was leaning against her girlfriend in the bathtub, enjoying the warm water, picking up some foam with her right hand to blow the bubbles through the bathroom. Her left hand occasionally dipped the small rubber duck under the surface of the water as Amber was massaging Brittany's shoulders and peppering soft kisses along her neck.
"How do you feel about the whole double date thing? Honestly?" she asked Brittany, her fingers easily moving along the wet skin. "What do you know about Santana's girlfriend anyway?"
Brittany sighed at the pleasant feeling of Amber's touch, sinking a little deeper in the tub as she tried to come up with an honest answer.
"I don't really know anything about her..." she said, frowning. "I know she's Italian. That she introduced San to her family in Europe... no idea. I suppose she's very pretty, too."
"Don't you think it will be weird?" Amber asked, sounding concerned. "I mean, she's the woman Santana cheated with after all... I don't mean to sound judging Brit, like, I don't want you to think that this makes me uncomfortable or anything because I'm fine with it... I just don't want you to get hurt, that it brings back bad memories..."
Brittany reached for Amber's hand, wrapping her girlfriend's arm around her body as she kissed her fingertips in the process. "I know, I've thought about it, too. But it's like... she's been my best friend you know? My best friend since I can remember. We've been inseparable since I was six years old. That's more important to me than the fact that our relationship didn't work out, you know?"
"I understand..." Amber said slowly, letting her chin rest on Brittany's shoulder. "And if it gets too weird, we can still leave, right?"
"Right" Brittany smiled.
"Do you think she's changed? Santana?"
Brittany had to think about that question for a while. Something had definitely been different.
"She seemed... more... mature?" the blonde finally replied, though it was more of a question than a statement. "I don't know, it's weird, but there's something about the way she talks, the way she acts, that's more... serious. She used to be very outgoing when we were younger. Always having the last word, always telling people what she thought of them, even if they didn't wanna hear it. She was so energetic, drawing all attention to herself when she entered the room... I think she must have grown up a lot. When she enters the room now, she suddenly looks a lot... smaller."
It was hard to put into words what she had felt when watching her ex-girlfriend. It had been a different Santana, though that didn't neccessarily mean anything bad. Her hair had been different,too.
Amber swallowed hard before opening her mouth again. She seemed to try to hold herself back from speaking out the question, but it slipped out anyway.
"Brit, are you over her?" she asked so quickly that it was barely understandable. The question must have bugged her since the day her girlfriend had told her about the encounter at the salon. "I'm sorry, I just..." she mumbled, glad Brittany was sitting in front of her and couldn't see her face.
"Honey..." Brittany said softly. "Of course I'm over her. I mean, I love her, I do. But as I said, I love her as the person who's been so important to me my whole life, not as the person I wanna date. She broke my trust, but I know she's a good person at heart, a good friend. But I wanna be with you, okay?" she paused. "Just you."
She turned her head around to look at the other blonde and smiled, placing a kiss on Amber's lips.
Amber smiled back.
"Okay..." she said. "I guess I just needed to hear that."
xxxxxxxx
"All right, repeat it again" Santana ordered, staring at the pale redhead in front of her.
Maggie rolled her eyes.
"My name is Loredana Valentini, I'm from Orbetello, a pretty Italian city, one hour drive from Rome. I have an older and a younger sister and I'm a doctor. In my freetime I like to go jogging and I play tennis..."
"What's your favorite movie?"
"Is it really that important?" Maggie asked slightly annoyed, her eyes scanning the long handwritten list of things she was supposed to remember.
"Am I paying you for this or not?" Santana hissed back.
"Yes, geez, chill... my favorite movie is 'Letters to Juliet', my favorite singer is Tina Turner..." she paused. "Do you seriously think anyone's gonna buy that I'm Italian? Have you looked at me?"
Santana glared at her.
"You better make them believe it!"
Frowning, Maggie pushed the piece of paper aside and leaned herself over the table, coming closer to Santana.
"All this trouble because you don't wanna tell your ex that you're sick? To protect her? What are you, some kind of nut? Isn't that all a little... exaggerated?"
Santana had to use all of her willpower not to kick the other woman out. She had never really liked Maggie but she knew she had to at least tryto play nice if she wanted this date to happen and the redhead was her last chance.
"Listen to me, Ginger. Stop your smartass remarks and play along. Understand? I have my reasons and I swear, if you screw this up, if you tell her anything, I'll kick your ass!"
"Okay, okay... so what exactly are we doing anyway? Go out for dinner? Do I have to kiss you?" the redhead replied, frowning.
Santana realized she hadn't thought of the fact that they'd have to try to seem intimate around each other. The thought of being all touchy with Maggie was a total turn-off.
"We're gonna play miniature golf... and we'll keep the kiss and touching level low..."
"Great."
"Great."
Santana forced out a smile and stood up, pushing the list against the other woman's chest.
"Have this memorized by tomorrow. "
With that she gave Maggie a push towards the front door, glad when she was finally out of the apartment. She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath, walking over to the kitchen counter to take her medication. Swallowing the pills, Santana wondered how many wrong choices she had made in her life. If she was making herself go through so much trouble to be around Brittany again, why had she left her in the first place? Why had she wasted a whole year?
Her hands were shaking as she walked over to her bed, her breath short as she pulled the blanket over her body and stared at the ceiling. Thinking about all this made her head spin and she felt light-headed. She should sleep. She'd worry about the rest tomorrow.
xxxxxx
Brittany and Amber were already waiting in front of the miniature golf course when Santana and Maggie got out of the red head's old and rusty VW Polo. Santana's eyes widened at the sight of the two blondes standing next to each other, hating the fact that Amber looked so damn flawless. The couple hadn't noticed them yet as they were still too busy giggling about whatever silly joke Brittany had just made.
Santana could feel her motivation slowly disappear, yet she was willing to get through this date. It occured to her that she had underestimated the effect it might have on her to see Brittany with someone else and it scared her that it already made her feel this way before they had said hello to each other. It reminded her of the time back in high school when she had to torture herself watching Brittany being all touchy feely with Artie. The thought still made her want to throw up. She wanted her ex-girlfriend to be happy, but as long as she was still alive, this was herBrittany. Seeing her with someone else, especially with another woman who apparently made her laugh and smile, wasn't what Santana had wanted to put herself through.
When she noticed Brittany looking over to them, smiling and waving excitedly, Santana quickly grabbed Maggie's hand who was busy trying to kick the Polo's slightly deformed door close. They walked over to the other couple, hands still entwined, and Santana forced herself to smile, unsure whether to hug Brittany or go for a simple handshake.
Brittany made the decision for her by wrapping her arms around Santana's thin body. The hug was longer than she had expected and Santana noticed her ex was still wearing the same perfume. She loved the smell and it brought tons of memories to her mind that she couldn't hold back. Their bathroom had smelled like this every morning when Santana had entered it. Brittany was usually already showered, dressed and preparing breakfast when she herself had grumpily climbed out of the warm shelter of her bed. Yet, all anger used to be forgotten at the sight - and smell - of her gorgeous girlfriend making a mess of their kitchen.
When she finally let go of the embrace, Brittany turned to Maggie, her smile friendly but less warm than only seconds ago.
"Hi" she said, holding out her hand for the other woman to shake it. "You must be Loredana. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you, too" Maggie replied politely. "Santana's told me all about you, good to finally put a face to all the stories."
In the meantime, Santana was awkwardly stepping from one foot to the other, looking at Amber who was frowning at the scene in front of her. Santana could almost see the wheels turning in the other woman's head and she wondered if Amber was smarter than she had wanted to give her credit for. Santana figured she was acting paranoid but part of her was sure that Amber would be able to put one and one together at some point.
She was only dragged out of her thoughts when Amber finally stepped closer to greet her.
"Santana" she said, friendly but yet distant. She was biting her lip, apparently deliberating her next words. "I've certainly heard a lot about you as well..."
Santana didn't miss the tone in the other woman's words and she couldn't deny that it made her angry. Who did she think she was? Brittany's big protector? She squeezed Amber's hand a little harder than neccessary.
"Sooo, let's get the clubs?" Maggie finally asked when everyone had been introduced and the four of them made their way over to the old lady sitting behind the counter. She handed them the clubs, a scorecard with a pen and a little basket with four golfballs in different colors.
"Here, I guess you want the blue one?" Santana said smiling, handing Brittany the small blue ball who took it happily, nodding in excitement.
"Can I start?" Brittany asked, storming over to the first course where they only had to play the ball around a corner to get it into the hole.
"Sure babe, start" Amber said, giving her a playful clap on her butt. Santana felt herself grip her club a little harder.
Brittany positioned herself in front of the course, focusing on the hole as she was frowning and sticking out her tongue in concentration.
The other women waited patiently while Amber was eyeing Maggie closely, giving her a side glance.
"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you don't really look Italian..." she said slowly, causing Santana to cough.
"That's what I hear all the time..." Maggie replied, rolling her eyes. "My grandfather was Scottish, you know?" She smiled. "Damn those recessive genes..."
Good.Santana thought to herself. They had practiced that scenario often enough.
"Mmmhh..." Amber nodded, raising her eyebrows.
"And what kind of doctor are you?" she continued asking, Brittany's ball not even close to the hole as she repeatedly batted it against the wall, groaning in frustration.
"Oh, one for the sick people" Maggie responded casually.
Brittany's eyes widened, looking up from her ball. "Well, those are especially important" she replied, nodding.
Santana couldn't believer her ears. She cleared her throat before bursting into a fake laughter, petting her equally fake girlfriend's hand. "Haha, you're so funny, dear."
When Brittany's ball had finally found its way into the hole, Santana quickly grabbed the red one out of its basket and started playing.
They were slowly making their way through the 18 different courses, each one getting a little more tricky. Amber kept questioning Maggie and Santana couldn't help but think that this all felt like some interrogation in court rather than a casual date. Brittany never managed to finish a course with less than ten tries but everyone chose to ignore the rules at the sight of the woman's sad and pouty face.
"I'm not the best putter..." she stated slowly as she was looking at their scorecard and Santana let her hand rest on Brittany's shoulder.
"You're doing fine" she reassured her, smiling. "We all suck at this."
She could see Amber glare at her from the corner of her eyes but chose to ignore it. She was highly aware that this contest wasn't about miniature golf anymore.
It was Santana's turn again and she could feel the exhaustion kicking in. It may not have been the most active sport, yet she wasn't used to being on her feet for so long anymore, constantly having to kneel down to grab the ball or using all her strength for the courses that required more forceful batting. She could feel cold sweat on her forehead, her vision a little blurry as her hands were shaking, trying to keep the club straight.
She stumbled a step backwards, right into Maggie who managed to catch her.
"You okay?" she asked concerned. Santana nodded.
"I don't wanna have to call the ambulance, you fainting was not part of the deal" she whispered into Santana's ear so that the others couldn't hear her and Santana pushed her away, annoyed.
"I'm fine" she hissed, finishing her game as she was taking another deep breath. She didn't dare looking at Brittany, though she could almost feel her ex-girlfriend's eyes burning holes into her back.
Santana tried focusing on the red ball but she could see two - no - three of them, and it was hard to make out which was the real one. She tried batting but missed, feeling herself grow impatient. Her breathing was getting shorter and little black dots were dancing in front of her eyes. Heat wave after heat wave was rushing through her body and she pushed down the need to rip off her suddenly terribly tight clothes.
Justbreatheshe told herself. She wouldn't allow herself to faint. Not in front of Brittany.
Her legs were shaking and her head was spinning, the voices that surrounded her suddenly sounding so far away, as if there were cotton candy in her ears.
"I... I think I need to sit down for a moment..." she managed to say, stumbling over to the nearest bench, letting herself sink down on top of it.
Brittany was next to her in an instant, dropping her club on the floor.
"San, are you all right?" she asked, petting the other woman's back.
"I... yeah... I guess I didn't drink enough... you know how easily I deydrate..."
Santana wasn't sure that she had ever dehydrated in the time her and Brittany had been dating but it seemed like a logical explanation.
"Hon, please get San some water and a candybar, ok?" Brittany said, looking at Amber who frowned but quickly made her way over to the little shop.
Maggie sat down at the other side of the bench, twirling her red locks around her finger.
"Don't get me wrong, but I think it's time to call it a day..." she stated, not really bothering to make sure her 'girlfriend' was okay.
Brittany didn't stop stroking Santana's back, not until her girlfriend arrived with water and chocolate.
"Here, drink that" she said, opening the bottle for Santana whose hand was still shaking as she brought it to her lips. Brittany quickly unwrapped the Snickers.
"And eat this, sugar will help."
Brittany frowned, looking over to Maggie who still didn't show any interest in the situation. Amber followed Brittany's gaze, clearing her throat.
"I thought you were a doctor, shouldn't you help your girlfriend?" Amber asked, not able to hide the judgment in her voice. "One might think you'd know what to do in such situations..."
Usually Santana would have gotten insecure at hearing the other woman's suspicious tone, but she felt too weak to care. All she wanted was to go home and lie down. Go home and lie down, with Brittany next to her who'd keep stroking her back. And her hair. And kiss her forehead.
She shook her head, trying to get rid of these thoughts, these feelings. She grabbed Brittany's arm and softly pushed her hand away from her, not meeting her eyes.
"It'd be nice if you could take me home now, Lory..." she told Maggie and the other woman shrugged, getting up from the bench as she was fumbling for the car keys in her pocket. When she finally found them she held out her hand for Santana to take it and helped her off the bench.
Santana turned around once more, giving Brittany an apologetic look.
"I'm sorry..." she said. "But we were almost done anyway, right? And I didn't count the points, but I suppose you would have won."
"Of course she would..." Maggie said, rolling her eyes as she softly pushed Santana towards the exit. "It was nice meeting you both, enjoy the rest of the day."
"Yeah..." Brittany said, hesitating. "Feel better, San..."
Santana looked at her ex, then at the woman next to Brittany who gave Maggie and her a serious glare. She knew she wasn't going to feel better anytime soon. Rather worse. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to erase the image of Brittany's sad and concerned face out of her mind as she followed her fake girlfriend to her car. Sinking down in the not very comfortable seat, she let her head rest against the tiny window. What had she gotten herself into? Her body had showed her once again that this was a bad idea, that she couldn't hide behind this mask for too long. What would Brittany think? She had embarassed herself. Should she call her when she was home and apologize for ending the date so abruptly? Maybe send a text? Do nothing?
She looked over to Maggie who hummed along with the song that was playing on the radio, apparently deciding not to talk. But she needed to talk. She needed to fucking talk about this. She could call the real Loredana when she was home but all she'd get would be a big "I told you so", something she didn't need to hear.
When they finally arrived at Santana's apartment, Maggie cleared her throat.
"My money?" she asked, looking at Santana expectantly.
Santana had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself from yelling at the other woman. She knew she had no right to be angry, Maggie had played her part and done everything she had asked her to do. She owed her.
She fumbled for the money and threw it on Maggie's lap, getting out of the car without another word as she slammed the door shut. She headed straight to her bedroom, letting herself sink on the mattress, not bothering to remove her clothes. Her hands still shaking, Santana opened the drawer of her nightstand, digging for her medication. She swallowed it without blinking, adding two sleeping pills in the process. She could feel the knot in her throat, could feel the tears build up in her eyes, but she hoped the drugs would kick in too fast for her to care.
xxxxxxx
Hours later, Brittany still hadn't fallen asleep. She was staring holes into the ceiling, although the bedroom was barely illuminated enough to make out the ceiling in the first place.
Amber had dozen off a couple of times but whenever she opened her eyes, she found her girlfriend in the same position as before. Not asleep.
"Why are you torturing yourself?" Amber asked into the completely silent room, yet Brittany didn't wince.
"I'm not" Brittany quietly stated, her voice calm and serious.
"You are. It still hurts you. Even after all this time it hurts and I don't blame you, cause it's only natural... plus, we both know that something is truly odd here..."
Amber came closer to her girlfriend, taking her chin in her hand to make Brittany look at her. Green eyes were searching blue ones in the dark and Brittany let out a sigh.
"It's not odd. She's with someone else, these things happen, it's not -"
"That's not what I'm talking about, Brit" Amber interrupted her. ''It's not weird that she's dating someone else, it's weird that she's pretendingto be dating someone else..."
Brittany had to frown, trying to study the other woman's face in the dark room.
"I don't know what you're talking about... you're really confusing..." she mumbled, pushing Amber's hand away, slowly but firmly.
"Babe..." Amber started again. "I don't know Santana like you do, but... she was really thin, Brit. Thin and pale and weak and shaky. Don't tell me she's always looked like this."
"She said she was dehydrating..." Brittany replied, shaking her head to herself.
"And 'Loredana'? I mean, seriously? The girl looked like Geri Halliwell... or maybe Lindsay Lohan... I'm not buying it."
Brittany couldn't help but notice that her girlfriend sounded upset. She also noticed that it was the first time she had seen her this way, more emotional than usual.
"Am... I don't know why you're getting so angry... it's none of our business anyway..."
"It became our buisness when you decided to go on dates with your ex again, Brittany" Amber replied immediately, her voice strict. "With your ex who cheated on you, lied to you, and who's clearly still lying to you..."
Hearing those words, Brittany sat up in bed, turning on the lamp on her nightstand as she was glaring at Amber.
"You've gotta be joking. These are all empty assumptions, Am. This is making no sense. You'ew just running around, searching for stuff to criticise because it bothers you that I'm seeing her again. Then at least have the guts to tell me the truth!" Her voice was higher than usual, louder than usual. This was clearly their first real fight.
"Are you closing your eyes on purpose? It's not that hard to see the obvious, Brit, it's happening right in front of your nose. You could save yourself a lot of pain if you'd be willing to see people for who they really are instead of alwayssearching for the good in them..."
"Are you calling me naive?" Brittany asked challenging and she was gripping the sheets beneath her a little harder.
Amber sighed, hard, knowing that this was dangerous ground.
"No, Brit, I'm worried okay? Have you looked at Loredana's car?"
"I liked it, there was a rainbow sticker on the backdoor..."
"Brit! It was an old VW Polo, probably built like two decades ago. Loredana is supposed to be a doctor.Doctors have money. They can buy far better cars..."
Brittany got out of the bed, putting on her clothes, leaving Amber speechless.
"Where are you going, it's the middle of the night..."
"I'm tired of people treating me like I'm some child" the other woman explained, her voice unusually cold. "As if I couldn't make my own decisions. As if I weren't a grownup just like everybody else, able to decide who to trust, who to talk to. I'm tired of people telling me they just wanna protect me. Of telling me what's bestfor me. Of telling me who or what I deserve and what not. I can decide what's best for me, okay? And right now that would be sleeping in my own bed..."
Amber was aware that the little speech was not only connected to this particular situation. Not only about the way she had treated Brittany. She was scared to think more of it, scared to admit to herself how deep the wound of Brittany's and Santana's breakup must have been and how many unresolved emotions, fears and insecurities her girlfriend was still carrying inside of her. Yet she knew there was nothing she could to but to let Brittany go for the night.
"Brit, if I'm making this all up, then why did you lie there, sleepless, staring at the ceiling all night? If it was only some casual date? If this is only happening in my head?"
Amber's voice was much softer again, almost pleading. Almost asking her to stay.
Brittany paused at the door, turning her head to look at Amber but it was hard to read the expression on her face.
"I'm gonna call you tomorrow."
Amber nodded.
"Brit?" she asked, the other woman almost out of the door.
"Mmh?"
"I love you."
Her girlfriend's features softened and she brought out a little smile, then nodded slowly before finally leaving the room.
Amber sighed, still not believing that their perfect relationship had so quickly turned around and proceeded down such a rocky path. The events of the night didn't leave her thoughts and she refused to accept that she had acted paranoid and was only driven by jealousy.
Sure she was jealous, sure this wasn't easy, but Amber liked to think she was a rather mature person, able to tolerate a lot of things and situations. Usually her feelings didn't trick her like this.
She climbed out of bed, over to her desk where she opened her macbook.
"Hello Mister Google..." she told it, pouring herself a glass of wine.
Focusing on the searchbar she typed in the name of the person who had confused her the most during the night - Loredana Valentini.
"2.260.000 hits?" she mumbled in frustration, taking a sip of her wine. Her cursor went back to the searchbar and Amber added the word 'doctor'.
"2.392 hits, that's something to work with..." she said, scanning the page before finding the first link that looked promising.
"Let's see what we have here..."
xxxxx
tbc