A/N: A million thanks to my amazing beta Steph. You're great, thank you for putting so much work and thought into this, I really feel like I'm sharing this experience with you. I hope you like the final version!

To all the readers: your lovely comments are very inspiring! Also thanks to all the anonymous reviewers, sad that I can't reply to you individually.

Oh and also sorry for the delay - again! Being an adult and having responsibilities truly sucks. Hope you're still reading! Heart you!

Chapter 5

As much as she wanted to, she couldn't pick up the phone. She knew she owed Amber an explanation and she wanted to tell her everything, but Brittany didn't feel as if she could talk about any of this yet. At least not with her. She couldn't put into words what she was feeling.

Betrayal, yes. Sadness, yes. Desperation, definitely.

She knew she loved Amber, but hearing these things from Santana... it changed everything. Brittany knew one thing for sure - she never would have broken up with Santana. She had always been sure that Santana was the person she loved most on this earth and she would have been there for her, through thick and thin. The fact that Santana still loved her, that she had never stopped loving her, it made everything entirely different.

But Santana was dying.

The love of her life was dying.

And she had lied to her.

There were no tears left, her eyes were dry, yet she couldn't stop sobbing. It was still hard to breathe, her body was still shaking, and her chest hurt. Her throat, too.

Whenever she had managed to calm down, whenever she had managed to empty her head a little, the thoughts kept coming back. Awful thoughts of Santana's funeral. Awful thoughts of a world in which Santana Lopez didn't exist anymore. Then it started all over again, the lack of oxygen, the need to throw up.

Part of her wanted to pack her bags, wanted to bang against Santana's door, wanted to beg her to be let in. She wanted to hug her and never let her go and snuggle up with her under the covers. They would just lie there and hug each other forever, until the very last day. They wouldn't leave the bed anymore, they'd just shut out the world completely and be around each other 24/7 to make up for this fucking year they had lost. Yes, part of Brittany wanted to forgive her right away.

But Brittany did not go back. The bad thoughts kept controlling her mind and all she wanted was to find a way to escape them, a way to get rid of a pain she had never experienced before in her life.

She had never been a fan of getting drunk to cope with her problems, had never used alcohol as a way to forget, but even Brittany had to admit that there was only so much a person could take in one day.

Brittany wasn't used to drinking so it didn't take her long to get to the state where the world started spinning. She had bought a bottle of tequila and sat down on a bench in a more quiet area, drinking until she knew she couldn't take another sip without having to throw up.

Her face felt warm, her ears were hot, her vision was blurry - but the pain remained. Why were people doing this? Why were they drinking when they felt bad? Brittany still felt bad, but now she also felt sick and dizzy.

Her hands were shaking and she wanted to get away from this place, suddenly scared of being alone.

She knew she could call her girlfriend, she knew she could take a cab home, but right now there was only one person who could truly be there for her.

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Brittany knocked at the door of the house she had grown up in, but her arms were powerless. Her fingers were weak, making a fist hurt. She tried knocking again but the tequila made her feel as if her entire body were wrapped in cotton candy, everything was happening in slow-motion.

"Mom..." she whispered, occasional sobs still shaking her like hiccups, the alcohol making it hard to see. "Mom! ... Mom, please open the door, it's me..."

She could hear music from the inside, could hear her mother's singing voice. She was probably cleaning to Y.M.C.A again.

Brittany grabbed her phone once more, ignoring Amber's five missed calls as she dialed her mother's number with shaky fingers.

It took a while until the music in the house stopped playing and her mother answered the phone.

"Sweetie!" she greeted her daughter, her voice chipper. "How are you, darling?"

"Mom, I'm outside, please let me in..."

"Ohh, how nice, give me a sec..."

The door swung open only seconds later and the smile on Eliza Pierce's lips quickly faded as she saw her daughter standing in front of her, her eyes red and swollen, none of her usual happiness displayed on her features. Her breath smelled like liquor.

"What on earth happened, baby? Oh my god, did Amber cheat on you? I swear I'll kick her thin little ass. I might be almost 50 but I'm still in good shape, I can take a - "

"You're 53, mom..." Brittany slurred before the tears started running down her cheeks again.

"Details..." Eliza mumbled. She took a closer look at her daughter who had trouble standing straight as she supported herself against the doorframe. "You're dunk, aren't you?" she sighed. "C'mere..."

She dragged her daughter in for a hug, stroking her blonde hair as she kissed her forehead.

"What is it with you and your girlfriends? I don't understand it... don't they see how amazing you are?"

"Mom, it's not that... she didn't cheat on me..." Brittany mumbled, burying her face in her mother's sweater who slowly closed the entrance door behind them. "In fact, neither did Santana..."

Eliza frowned, softly pushing Brittany back to look at her face.

"What do you mean?" she queried, raising one eyebrow.

"Mom, it's... it's Santana... she's..."

More high-pitched sobs were escaping Brittany's mouth and she felt like a little child again. Like a little five year old girl who only wished for her mother to tell her that everything would be fine again. She wanted an adult to come and fix her crushed little world. Except that no five year old ever got drunk on tequila.

"I should have figured... ssshhh... I should have known that no other person on this planet would cause my daughter so much heartbreak... oh sweet baby. You're still not over her, are you? I think it's time for jimjams and some food to sober you up..."

Brittany nodded slowly. It was all she could do in that moment.

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The phone was vibrating again when Brittany drowned its sounds with a pillow on the big soft sofa in her mother's living room.

"Are you sure you don't wanna pick up, honey? That's so unlike you... you know you have to tell Amber about this."

Eliza Pierce may have been a slightly off-beat person, judging by the way she looked at the world and its inhabitants. She may have had a crazy styling and in addition to that a weird excitement for pidgeons, but Eliza Pierce was also much like her daughter - emotionally and socially intelligent. She was the first person Brittany knew she could turn to whenever she was in trouble or feeling sad, her mother had always known what to do.

Telling her about everything had made the tight feeling in Brittany's stomach a little more bearable. Eliza had been there for her during the breakup from Santana and even at that time she had been suspicious. If her mother had felt the need to yell at Santana for breaking up with her precious daughter and causing her heartbreak, part of her had been sure that Santana Lopez loved Brittany more than anything in this world. She had looked behind the rough facade of her daughter's first real gilrfriend and she had known something was very odd.

"I want to tell her and I will. Of course I will. Just... right now it's hard because... because I don't know what to say to her..."

Brittany's mother nodded.

"You don't know if you still wanna be with her now that you know Santana still loves you..."

Brittany looked up to her mother, shaking her head.

"What? No... No, of course I wanna be with her, I love her, mom. I do."

"I know you do, honey" Eliza replied nodding, smiling compassionately, dragging her daughter, who was hugging a pillow in front of her belly, closer.

"But people can love more than one person, you know? Your love for Santana never disappeared, it's still inside you. It may not have been as close to the surface anymore, after you found Amber, but now all the old feelings are coming back. It makes everything different. Mixed with the fact that Santana is sick. I'd never blame you for being confused, Sweetie."

Brittany was rubbing her temples now, thinking about popping in some painkillers to get rid of that constant throbbing in her head. She felt dizzy and close to throwing up.

"Maybe you should tell Amber that you need a break, that you need to figure things out..."

"Mom!" Brittany interrupted her mother, frowning, her voice upset. "I know you always loved San like your own daughter, but I can't just break up with Am, I can't, it's not right. I wanna be with her, she's always been good to me. And despite the fact that I can't deny that I still have feelings for San... she hurt me, mom. It wasn't fair... It wasn't fair what she did to me..." The alcohol made her more emotional than she already was and Brittany hated that drinking could have such an effect. Wasn't it supposed to make her forget and not feel twice as bad?

Eliza sighed, nodding as she stroked her daughter's back.

"You're right... but then you should really pick up your phone the next time..."

"I will" Brittany agreed when she suddenly pushed her mother's arm away and quickly got up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" Eliza asked surprised, watching Brittany, who was still wearing her Ducktales pajamas, stumble hastily off the couch.

"I think I have to puke..." Brittany whined, holding her hand in front of her mouth, just in case.

"Honey wait, I'll hold your hair..."

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Santana was still sitting in her living room, not able to move. All she could think of was the expression on Brittany's face and the feeling of Brittany's lips against her own as she softly let her thumb brush along her lower lip. She felt paralyzed.

The emotions, the fear she had seen on her ex-girlfriend's features, they had been the main reason for this whole damn lie. She was sure she'd never be able to delete this out of her memories.

Then again – how was she supposed to forget and to delete any memories at all? There wasn't enough time to forget before she'd be... well... gone.

She swallowed hard.

This wasn't worth it. This earth was a miserable place. A place in which she had taken away the happiness from the one person who made this world a little better. She hated herself. She hated her body for doing these things to her... to them. It was all her fault, she was destroying another person's life.

If she weren't such a big coward, she'd finish the job herself. She had thought of it many times. Had thought of ending things on her own will, of not letting the disease win. She was her own boss, she had always been her own fucking boss. What did this fucking cancer think? That she'd silently wait until it killed her? She might as well do it herself, do it her own way.

But then Loredana had kept reminding her that she wasn't a quitter. She was a fighter. She had been through enough shit in her life. If she wanted to show this damn cancer that it couldn't make any decisions about her life, then she had to fight. Fight with all the power she had left.

But that had been months ago. That had been before she had found out that the chemo didn't work. That had been before she had crushed her ex-girlfriend's world.

What was there left to live for now? Nothing. Fucking nothing.

It was time to leave this place.

No, she wasn't going to kill herself, not yet, but it was time to get away from here. Away from this apartment full of memories, away from her doctor who kept trying to talk her into another chemo, away from the woman she loved and whose life she was mixing up – away from everything.

She would jump into a plane and find a quiet place to die. She'd spend all her money in those last months and make it easier for everyone. It was time to say goodbye to Santana Lopez.

Santana got up from her seat, her eyes narrowed as she ripped the first few pictures off the wall. Then she stumbled through the hallway, ripping all those closets and drawers open, searching through all the pieces of furniture to find old photo albums. Documents. Certificates. Letters. Anything with her name on it.

She carried the whole bunch of pictures and papers outside on her balcony, throwing them into an iron bin, piece by piece.

A swimming award from when she was six – byebye.

Pictures of herself, smiling next to her parents – adios.

Several certificates from cheerleading camp – Santana hesitated.

Her thoughts were flashing back to the nights when Brittany had crawled into her bed in their dorm. They had been fourteen and far from dating officially...

'I can't sleep Santana. I don't like cheer camp. The girls keep making fun of me and it's exhausting. I mean, I love dancing, but not if they drill me so much. The coach keeps yelling and yelling and I just wanna disappear..."

'Hey Brit-Brit' Santana told her friend, letting her snuggle under her covers as she wrapped an arm around her. 'You're better than all of them, you know that right? You're better than any of those other girls and they are just being bitches because your talent scares them. And the coach – well – the next time she yells at you, just imagine she's wearing a big chicken costume. A really fat chicken, with yellow feathers.'

The image had made Brittany giggle and she had let her head rest on Santana's shoulder. Sometimes they had kissed, when they could be sure that no one was looking. At that point she had been convinced that they were only curious. Little had she known that this girl would forever be her one and only. That she'd be all she could possibly want in her life.

Santana made herself get rid of these thoughts, staring at the certificates one last time before finally throwing them into the bin as well.

A few pictures were a little harder to throw away. A few pictures that reminded her of the happy times, the careless times. She let her finger run along the images of herself, along her happy feautures, her smiling face. There weren't many of those pictures. A lot of them portrayed a young woman who was scared to show her true self, scared to deal with herself and her sexuality. The best pictures were those of her happiest years – living together with her girlfriend, finally having found herself, finally sure where she belonged.

Five happy years she was thankful for. They should have made more pictures in those years. They were the only ones that were worth remembering.

Santana shook her head, close to crying again, so she threw the whole album into the bin before any particular picture might make her stomach turn around again.

She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the lump in her throat as she got the matchsticks out of her pocket.

She watched the memories of herself burn. She stared into the flames of her past, watched the thick smoke being carried away into the sky.

Her gaze followed the red sparks that were flying around her and she felt as if a heavy weight had fallen off her shoulders. She had the upper hand. She could make the decisions. It was up to her to decide when she was going to leave and this was the first step. She needed this. Needed this to remind herself that she didn't want to look back anymore.

The heat radiating from the little fire felt warm on Santana's skin and she closed her eyes for a moment, listening to the rustling and burning paper in the bin. Tonight she was going to look for a place to travel to. For her final destination. She'd check her bank account and then make a decision. Beach? Mountains? Deserts? Forests? She was sure the internet would provide her with a few ideas...

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It was bright when Brittany opened her eyes again and her heart skipped a beat when she realized she wasn't at home. It took her a moment to realize she was still at her mother's place and within seconds she felt her stomach tighten. The memories came back, her awful headache an instant reminder of the drinking. And the reason why she had done it in the first place.

It all felt like a bad dream, like her worst nightmare. But it wasn't a dream. It was real.

She needed to get out of this house. She felt dirty and sweaty and uncomfortable and there were so many things going on in her head that she needed to sort out. She had to plan her next move, had to get a clear head and do something.

Brittany quickly stripped out of her pajamas, putting her jeans and shirt back on before quickly running into the living room. Her mother was preparing breakfast and the kitchen smelled like fresh coffee.

"Mom... Mom, I have to go. I ... I shouldn't have passed out like this, I'm sorry, I was wasted, I -"

"Good morning, honey" her mother greeted her, pouring some orange juice into a glass. "Don't apologize, rather sit down and eat something with me. You need some energy."

"I'm sorry but I can't."

Eliza sighed, giving her daughter a concerned look. "Of course you can, Brit. I understand that you're still mixed up and emotional but there's nothing you can do that will change the situation right now. You might as well think of your health and give your body some vitamins..."

Brittany didn't think of sitting down, she only grabbed the glass and drowned the orange juice.

"I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

Eliza nodded, obviously unsure if she could let her daughter leave in the emotional state she was in.

"Brit?"

"Hm?"

"Please tell Santana that I'm sending her all my best wishes, will you? And bring her over here whenever you want to. I'd be happy to have dinner with you two, just as in good old times..."

Brittany swallowed, closing the top button of her warm coat as she tried hard not to imagine Santana and herself happily sitting at the dinner table with her family. Tried not to think of the many times Santana had been angry with her because Brittany had started stroking her girlfriend's thigh under said table, her hand always traveling a little higher while Santana had nervously tried to push her away, her perfect-daughter-in-law-smile frozen on her face as she spoke.

'You can't do these things when we're around your parents, Britts. Gosh!' Santana yelled at her, her cheeks still flushed. 'It's beyond awkward to talk about my job or our future plans while you do these... these... things to me.'

Brittany would made a pouty face, looking as innocent as ever, playing with her blonde curls as she was staring at her own feet, hanging her head in shame. Santana soon gave in and started smiling, not able to hold back her laughter any longer.

'Oh fuck this, I still love you... but you need to behave next time...' she said, grinning, before attacking her girlfriend.

'And now I'll show you what naughty really means...'

"Brit?" her mother interrupted her thoughts and Brittany quickly shook her head to get rid of her daydream.

"Yeah.. yes, I'll tell her that..."

She looked sad as she quickly hugged her mother goodbye and made her way over to the door.

"Bye, mom."

Brittany made her way out of the house, feeling terribly sorry for not having talked to her girlfriend. She was sure Amber must be worried and angry.

Yes. 17 missed calls. Five texts.

The cold air outside felt as if it were hitting her face and Brittany pulled her scarf a little tighter, icy fingers quickly dialing Amber's number.

"Brittany, where the fuck have you been?" her girlfriend yelled into the speaker so that Brittany had to hold it a little further away from her ear. Sweet and calm Amber could obviously be loud and angry.

"I'm so sorry Ams, I was at my mom's..."

"All night? Seriously Brittany, I was this close to calling the police because you never answered my calls. Is there something you need to tell me? Seriously, tell me!"

"Ams..." Brittany started, sitting down on a huge stone, stretching her legs. She sighed.

"Amber, Santana is dying."

Silence.

"She's... - what?"

"She has cancer, Ams. She only has a few more months to live. She lied to me to protect me... There's no other woman... there never was."

"Oh my god..."

Amber's voice was entirely serious now, numb almost.

"Brit, I don't know what to say... I mean... how could she do that? Lie to you like this? Of course it's awful and I'm terribly sorry to hear all this, but what are you going to do now?"

"Be there for her, Ams, that's what I'm doing."

No response.

"Ams, I have to. Oh my god, I've known her my whole life and she's all alone. I can't let her be alone. I can't."

Damn those stupid tears, when was that tear stash ever empty?

Amber cleared her throat.

"Yes of course you need to be there for her... and I'm willing to help you if you need me... I'm really sorry, you must feel completely awful."

"It's been the worst night of my life" Brittany replied honestly, rubbing her arms in the cold as she was watching her breath in front of her face. "And I don't know how to deal with it. Not at all."

"Why didn't you call me earlier, Brit? I'm your girlfriend, your partner. Why did you shut me out? Why didn't you contact me in such a situation and asked me to be there for you?"

"I... I don't know, I was just completely confused."

It was the truth, Brittany had never been more confused in her life. And she had never been more drunk.

"I'm sorry" Amber continued, "I dont wanna be too demanding it's just... what is this going to mean for us, Brit?" Her voice sounded fragile now, almost shy. "... please, if you're going to break up with me I need to know it right away... please spare me an even bigger heartbreak..."

Brittany wasn't sure that she had ever felt such a thick lump in her throat before. She didn't wanna lose Amber, she loved having her in her life... but right now... right now all she could think of was Santana. All she could think about was how much time there might be left for her.

She tried hard to think rationally, tried hard to look at the situation from a more neutral perspective. Tried to see things the way she had seen them a week or a month ago, when Amber had been the most important person in her life. No. She couldn't lose her.

"So? Are you? Breaking up with me?" Amber whispered, not able to hide the fear in her voice.

"No it's... no. I do love you Ams. I wanna be with you... you've always been so good to me... it's just..." Brittany tried to explain, biting her lower lip. "Please understand that I need to be there for Santana in these next months... if she lets me. Please understand that it has nothing to do with us or the fact that she's my ex... but she has no one Amber. She's all alone... I don't want her to die alone... She needs me."

The last part was barely more than a whisper and Amber swallowed.

"I understand that" Amber told her sincerely. "I promise."

"Okay... um... thank you" Brittany replied nodding slowly to herself, the phone still pressed closely to her ear.

"I love you" Amber said, her voice hopeful as she waited for Brittany's reply.

"I love you, too" Brittany replied and she knew she wasn't lying. She did love Amber. She'd never want to hurt her. "I promise to call you soon, okay?"

"Yeah..." Amber agreed and the call soon disconnected.

Brittany took a deep breath. The first step was done. Things with Amber were clear for now – now she definitely had to talk to Santana again.

It didn't take her long to get back to the apartment and the front door was open since their old neighbor Mrs McPherson was cleaning the hallway, sweeping some dirt out onto the pavement.

"Hi Mrs McPherson" Brittany greeted her friendly and the old lady nodded on her direction.

"Brittany..." she muttered. "Are you and Santana back together?"

She sounded as if she were scared of the answer and Brittany had to hold back a smile.

"Brit... oh god... no... ahh... omg stop it, I swear Brit, I'll kill you, ahh.." Santana cried, running away from Brittany whose fingers were icy from the snowy weather outside. She had wanted to touch Santana when she came home, wanted to kiss her, but all Santana had done was shriek and run away.

"I said doooon't touch me!"

"Oh my god, you're such a baby. C'mere. Come ooon" Brittany laughed, running behind Santana around the table. "I just want a smooch."

"You just wanna tickle me with those creepy ice fingers of yours, that's all you want, Brittany Susan Pierce" Santana yelled back at her, hiding behind a chair.

Then Brittany managed to grab her arm and tackle her as they both landed on the ground, Santana groaning in the process. Brittany had quickly pushed Santana's top up, grabbing her with her cold fingers, letting her fingertips run along her girlfriend's ribs. Santana shrieked, stumping her feet on the ground, trying to kick Brittany away from her.

"Oh god Brit... no... no... oh my god I hate you, ahhh, fuck you I can't breathe. Brit. Brit I can't breathe."

Brittany looked at her, worried. "Are you okay, San?"

Santana smirked, pushing Brittany off of her in one quick movement as she straddled her, pinning her girlfriend's arms above her head on the ground beneath her.

"So who's on top now, huh?" she asked with a superior grin, tickling Brittany's armpits while leaning down closer and muffling the girl's cries with a kiss.

At some point Mrs McPherson had hammered against the wall with a broom. The next day she had given them both a very judging look, had mumbled something about young sex addicts and the terrible changes in society.

Good old Mrs McPherson. Brittany missed her.

"No" she finally replied, shaking her head. "No, we're not back together. But we're friends."

"...with benefits..." the elderly woman mumbled bitterly, focusing on her broom again.

Brittany pretended not to hear her as she made her way to Santana's apartment.

She knocked but no one answered. She carefully tried to push the door open since Santana usually kept it open during the day and only locked up before she went to bed.

"San?" she asked, slowly stepping inside. "San, are you there?"

But then she saw her and her heart skipped a beat. Santana was asleep on the sofa, an empty bottle of wine on the floor and the laptop opened on the table. She was lying on her belly, one arm and one leg hanging off the couch, limp. And her hair... Her hair was short.

It took Brittany a minute to understand what was going on and the tears came back right away. Santana looked beautiful, even with shorter hair. She looked thin and exhausted but her face was as flawless as ever. Her dark hair was barely covering her ears and Brittany couldn't help but notice that it underlined her beautiful features even more. Santana was the prettiest woman she knew... and the short hair a reminder of what she must have been through. Without her.

Yes, Brittany had heard stories about chemos. Had heard about the side effects, about the weakness, the pain. The chance that they might not work.

Here she was, her Santana. She had lost her hair, had been sitting through hours of torture and she, Brittany, hadn't been there. She felt her chest closing up again, felt her breath shorten, felt the silly need to stroke Santana's head.

"San... hey" she tried waking her, softly rubbing her arm above Santana's sweater.

Santana's eyes opened slowly and she gave her a weak smile.

"Brit..."

For a moment she seemed entirely happy to see her until her features became serious again and she realized she wasn't dreaming.

"Uh, Brit.. what are you doing here?"

She immediately realized she wasn't wearing her wig and frantically started searching for it, protectively wrapping her hands around her naked neck and shoulders.

"Here..." Brittany said softly, handing Santana the wig that had been lying on the floor. She figured she could tell her she didn't need it, could tell her that she looked beautiful without it, but she also figured this wasn't the right time or the right place.

She looked around the room, noticing that the walls were emptier than the last time she had seen them. Pictures were missing. It made her worry.

"Brit, I don't know why you're here again but if it's about that kiss, I'm sorry. We – I mean... I shouldn't have. And I understand it was wrong and it's definitely for the best if we stop seeing each other."

"Why would you say that..." Brittany replied slowly, though it wasn't a question, it was more of an exhausted statement. Why would she still push her away, even now, after everything was out in the open?

"Brit, I made my decision. It wasn't what I had planned, it wasn't what was supposed to happen. If you had never found out you would have forgotten me at some point. But it didn't work like that. We ran into each other again and it mixed everything up but... but I'm leaving this time. I'm leaving for real and it will make it easier, less complicated. And you can go back to your life and - "

"Shut up" Brittany interrupted her, her face strict.

"Excuse me...?" Santana replied frowning, adjusting the wig on her head as she spoke, getting a bit of her old confidence back.

"You're gonna sit down and you're gonna listen to me now, Santana" Brittany started, her voice not allowing any kind of protest. "I'm tired of all the plans that you've made. I'm seriously tired of it. Tired of the fact that you, for some reason, think you're worth more or whatever, that someone gave you the right to keep things from me and decide things over my head. I don't know what on earth made you do this and trust me, I am still so so mad at you..."

"Brit - "

"Uh-uh" Brittany hushed her ex, "I said listen to me. No interruptions!"

Santana swallowed and looked upset, yet she kept quiet.

"I am still so so mad at you and I can't believe you did this... I can't believe you would choose this life over me. Even if you say you did this to protect me... it's no excuse..."

She took a deep breath, sitting down in front of Santana so their faces were on the same level and she could look straight into her eyes.

"You're still important to me, San. You'll always be important to me. I've loved you with all my heart, even long before we started dating. I grew up with you. You're a part of me, don't you see that?"

Santana tried to break eye-contact, tried to keep herself from tearing up, but Brittany softly grabbed her chin and made her look at her again.

"You've made enough crazy plans for both of us Santana. Now it's time that I make a plan, you hear me? It's my turn now. You owe me that much..."

Santana's chin was shivering and Brittany let her hand rest on her skin for a little moment longer.

"I will not accept this decision you made, San. I will not let you leave this world alone, you hear me?" She was tearing up herself again, her voice shaky.

"I still wanna be here for you. And I will be here for you... through anything..."

She took Santana's hand in hers, squeezing it slightly.

"I have a few demands, San."

Santana stared at her with huge eyes, her chest heaving.

"I demand that you let me do this, I demand that you let me back into your life. As the girl who has been your best friend since first grade. As the girl who knows you better than anybody else in this world."

She paused.

"I demand that you don't hide yourself from me. I demand that even if we're not together anymore, you will tell me how you feel, you will tell me when you're scared."

Brittany squeezed Santana's hand a little tighter when she saw a tear on her ex-girlfriend's cheek.

"And I want you to allow me to be scared, too. I want us to be honest with each other. No more lies, never again. I want us to cry together when we feel the need to, I want us to hug each other when we need the comfort, I want us to laugh together when we need to cheer each other up. I want you to take me to your doctor's appoitments. I don't want you to go alone anymore. I want to know everything that's going on with you, I want to know everything about your medical condition. I'm going to read as much as I can about cancer, until my brain will feel like fried eggs, and then I want to talk to that doctor and hear everything she has to say about the situation. I can't accept any excuse, Santana. I can't accept you leaving me and not allowing me to appreciate every minute I have left with you."

Her own cheeks were wet again, but her voice remained steady.

"You're my best friend, San. You always will be."

Santana was still staring back at her, her eyes rapidly moving in her head. She brushed away some tears with the back of her sleeve, needing to look away for a second.

"Now you can say something..." Brittany tried to encourage her, searching her friend's eyes again.

Santana swallowed hard, her hand shaking underneath Brittany's. Yet she cleared her throat to find her voice back.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Brittany queried, needing the reassurance.

"Yes. Okay." Santana repeated nodding, a small smile forming on her lips.

Before she had time to think, Brittany had her arms wrapped closely around the woman in front of her, pressing her against her chest as if she'd never let her go again. She breathed in the smell of her hair once more, clinging onto her thin body as if Santana might disappear once she'd let go.

"You can't get rid of me that easily..." Brittany mumbled into Santana's hair. "And I won't let you leave me like this.. not like this, you hear me?"

"I hear you" Santana nodded again. "Loud and clear."

And it made Santana laugh. She was still sobbing, and Brittany still knew that the hardest months of her life were lying ahead of her, but for this one moment it was okay. For this one moment Santana laughed and even if she knew that she probably had no chance to make her healthy again, that the inevitable was still going to happen... for a moment it felt as if everything was going to be okay.