A/N: Thank you for all of those who have followed and favorited this story! I was shocked to have so many people buy in. Thanks for JustCallMeWhatever and Sylvari Queen for you reviews. You guys are awesome. The biggest thanks to my amazing beta Bellum Gerere. Let me know what you guys think!
Rain sprinkled down from the heavens, the gentle pitter-patter of the tiny water droplets exploding like bombs against the concrete sidewalks. There was something about each drop that made it different from the ones before. They were soft, gentle. It reminded me of snowflakes, so light and soothing. I sighed, scooting closer to the cool glass from my window seat. But as much as I tired, I couldn't feel the tingling sensations of the soothing rain against my skin. The water droplets slid down, taunting me.
This was nothing like the rain last night.
Outside I could already see small clusters of umbrellas moving back and forth along the sidewalks. All of them were varying shades of blue, and underneath showed glimpses of blue pant legs or practical low heels clicking as people walked to work. The grass was perfectly trimmed alongside them, all of the bushes impeccably mulched and tended underneath the lampposts lighting Erudite headquarters twenty-four seven. Even the raindrops streaming across the window seemed more perfect, calculated next to all of the accuracy and attention to detail. Erudite was always perfect. Maintained.
Letting out a sigh, I closed my eyes and tried to find my center. Today was the big day. From here on out my life would never be the same. No matter what my results were today, I would never be able to be a little kid again. I would be a fully-fledged adult.
Curled up in a ball against the window, I felt like anything but. I was only sixteen…
What would happen if I got Erudite? While I would officially be my own member of society and wouldn't have to live here anymore, could I be happy here? Would it be enough to go to work every day, talk with fellow colleges about the news and recent discoveries, trying to find a way to make the world a better place? Could I be happy with that, every day walking around in the same blue clothes, seeing everyone in their fake glasses as they hoped to look smarter?
I swallowed thickly, and tried thinking back on my favorite moments in Erudite. I remembered the first test I got a perfect score on, my twelfth birthday when everyone from my class showed up. I smiled faintly at the thoughts of some of my friends. While we were never really that close, I could still remember nights up late studying together and whispering secrets. Thinking harder, I recalled the time I fell out of the window and broke my arm. Julie held and rocked me until the doctors came. I smiled thinking back on it. That was one of the only times I didn't panic having her so close to me. That one time, it was like she was really my mother.
I frowned, trying harder to think back on what really made me fit in here. There had to be something. But every time I tried grasping at the warm feelings in my mind the images attached to them would fade.
How I wished I could just remember.
Knowing Julie would be coming up the stairs soon if I didn't get ready, I pulled myself from the window rolling around my ankle and rubbing it soothing to work out the arthritic stiffness before heading over to my dresser to get ready. My reflection caught my attention for a second in my vanity. Taking a second, I looked up, pressing against the slight bags under my eyes and smoothing along a few light acne scars on the bottom corner of my chin. I must have looked lot like my father. Nothing else would explain my sharp, high cheekbones, and straight nose that was just a fraction too long. My vivid green eyes stared back at me, sharp but so dull at the same time. They looked dead, worn to the world. I tried pulling my dark locks back to see if it made them any less prominent, but seeing it's pointless, I let my hair fall back down past my shoulders. Vanity was overrated. No one would be too concerned about what I looked like today anyways. They'd be too worried about themselves. I hoped.
I shifted through the neatly folded piles, looking for something warm but comfortable today. I'd always hated wearing uniforms in factions. They were too boring and annoying. The only thing Erudite members were aloud to wear was blue. There were fifty-two different shades of blue the naked eye could distinguish. Fifty-two versions of one awful color. It was one of the few things I couldn't stand about being here. No matter how hard I tried to find something green or black just to shake up the endless sea of blue there was nothing. It was so boring.
I finally decided on a loose pair of navy blue slacks that hugged my waist nicely and a plain long-sleeved sky blue V-neck. It was the softest thing I owned. If I had the choice, I would much rather walk around buck-ass nude than stick to the monotonous blue. I snorted slightly at the thought. Now wouldn't that turn a few heads? I'd find myself standing in front of Jeanine Matthew's office door faster than I could blink.
Jeanine was the faction leader. She was the newest one, appointed due to her massive IQ only a few years ago; thing's hadn't been the same since. Immediately after she was appointment, she completely changed everything about how our faction worked, making us more efficient, effective, and overall, Erudite. Between inventing the serums that now dictate our society and creating a world in which everyone lived in "wealth, comfort, and prosperity," Erudite's new motto, Jeanine was the center of everything. At the same time, she was also just as strict and unforgiving. It was staggering thinking how smart she was, and I'd always hated having to go see her. The few times I had to were vivid in my brain, none pleasant. It made my skin crawl standing in front of her. It felt like she could see every thought in my head.
Now wasn't the time to be scolded for breaking the dress code. Again.
God, I hate blue.
I braced myself the cold of the hallway at the door. Julie had always loved the cold. I knew the second I wondered out of my room I would be bombarded with a barrage of icy air. Sadly, there was only so much warmth I could muster to ward off the never ending AC. By the time I stepped out of my room I shivered, losing all that warmth as my feet hit the cold wood floors. Instinctively, I hugged my arms around myself.
Quickly, I made my way around the house, careful to keep my footsteps light and silent, an unexplainable habit of mine I'd had since I could remember. Staying quiet and unnoticed came as second nature to me despite my staggering size. Quiet was invisible. Quiet was safe.
Portraits of generations hung proudly along the walls, every inch covered with another face I knew I should know. All of them wore the same sickening blue I wore now, each with a proud smile. I felt out of place next to them. Each one had done something amazing, bringing a wave of new opportunity to the family, and better yet, a new discovering that gave the world a better understanding. What more could someone in this family want? It was our purpose in life as a family in Erudite.
Erudite valued intelligence above all else, knowing it to be the reason for all disputes. Lack of intelligence inevitably leads to lack of understanding. Without understanding there is disconnect between people. This disconnect grows into conflict, and from conflict arises war. It was what all members were taught to believe. It's what this faction lived for. Never ending intelligence. Other factions choose to believe in kindness, selflessness, honesty, and even bravery. Which one was I born into? Stupid goddamn intelligence loving Erudite.
It was demoralizing walking next to all the faces stretched on every inch of the wall. A wall of indifference I build around me didn't protect my heart from the glowing coldness creeping in each time I was reminded of what I should be. I hadn't done anything compared to them. I didn't even look like any of them, but they were everywhere. I couldn't get away. Blue shirt. White smile. Hard eyes. Blue blazer. Perfect hair. Crooked grin. Blue. Mocking. Blue. Blue. Blue.
Quickly as possibly I rushed towards the steep staircase, nearly running until I found myself outside the kitchen doorway.
Julie was sitting at the table.
As always.
"Morning, sweetie," she smiled, glancing up from her cup of coffee.
I tried my best to give her a smile. Really I did. "Morning Mom," I breathed out. The script flowed out naturally by now.
Julie gave me another small smile, her lips pulling back to show her slightly coffee-stained teeth. I guess that meant she didn't fit in with the perfectly pampered pictures either. The smile was gone in a second though, once she—as usual—lost interest in me and turned back to her blessed research. Her lips pressed into a hard line. Whatever she was reading must be pretty troubling.
Curiously, I walked around the table to see what scientific research she was looking into, but as soon as I got within reach of her an over powerful wave of coffee beans hit me in the chest. A hammer cracked down on my nose strong enough to nearly make me gag. I could feel the painful burn already slapping me in the face. As fast as I could, I retreated back to towards the fridge. There was nothing worse than the smell of coffee on an empty stomach. Ugh. It was disgusting.
She must have gotten up early. That or she didn't go back to bed either.
Usually mornings were always the same. I'd wake up, get, ready, and come down to have some breakfast before school. Julie would be reading the latest news at the table and we'd discuss it lightly as we ate. Then our next-door neighbors, the Bakker's, would get here and they'd take me to school while she left with our only car for work.
If only it was a normal morning.
"So did you have another nightmare when you went back to sleep?" Julie asked easily as commenting about the weather. Her eyes didn't even flick up to mine. She took a sip of coffee, her eyes still scanning over the paper.
I cringed slightly, pausing in my adventure to find some fresh fruit for breakfast. I kicked myself for not being able to control my body better. It only took me a second before I could respond. "No, I slept fine. It must have just been my nerves," I lied easily. I hadn't gone back to bed.
"Oh good. I was worried."
Another beat of silence.
I held my breath slightly, looking over at the clock. There was only ten more minutes until the Bakker's got here.
Only after the appropriate amount of time did she speak again, trying a different approach. "Did you want to talk about it? You know, I've been in your shoes too." Her voice was slick. Smooth.
It was a dangerous question. If I answered no she'd push me to tell her why not. She was my mother. I should trust her. She'd tell me how everything would be ok. She wouldn't judge me. She guilt me with her disappointment in me, but she sure as hell wouldn't judge me. That sounded promising. Not. Yet, if I answered yes, I would have to tell her. The pills would come back.
Suddenly, I felt too close to her. A chill crept up my back as I still sifted slowly through the fridge. She was watching me. I could feel it. I'd already found the apple I wanted, on the bottom shelf where it always was, but I rustled around a few things, pretending to be deciding what I wanted. I was buying time, trying to come up with another new way to steer her away from my night terrors.
Yes or no?
Standing up, I turned towards her, meeting her level gaze. Despite her face showing a calculated concern, her eyes were blank, clear. It was unnerving.
After all, I should trust my own mother, right? It wasn't normal to feel such trepidation. But her eyes were like hooks. The longer I stared, the more it felt like I couldn't pull away. It felt like she was right in front of me, pressing me back. I could feel her, feel her warm smothering hands. Stretching up. Choking me.
"It wasn't anything special, really," I hedged finally. My voice was stronger than I felt. I could barely hear the tremor. I gripped the apple in my hands tightly to hide how my hands were shaking. "Once I woke up I realized how silly it was to worry."
The slight twitch of her lips gave away her disappointment, but her eyes never changed as she carefully set down her tablet and held out a hand to me.
My heart stuttered.
Forcing myself forward, I grabbed her hand, my stomach flopping uncomfortably. I hid my gag behind a soft smile and slid into the seat next to her. Apparently unhappy with our distance she leaned forward, one hand rubbing circles on mine while the other reached up to cup my cheek. As she brushed some of my dark hair back from my face I almost physically shook. I knew some of my feeing must have shown on my face. Thankfully she took it wrong.
"Oh, baby," she cooed. Leaning forward, she placed a kiss on my forehead. I shuddered. "Oh, sweetie, it's ok. Everything will be ok. You don't have to worry about anything, alright? You're going to do just fine."
I felt sick.
I nodded thickly, my free hand digging so hard into the wooden seat I felt my fingers aching. It was the only thing keeping me in her hands. Run. Run. Run. My mind screamed. Too close. Too close.
She gave me another smile before her eyes seemed to catch something over my shoulder. Whatever it was caused her hands to draw back, and for a second I could breath. Shakily, I melted down in my seat, my body feeling weak and heavy. "It looks like the Bakker's are going to be here soon. You best get ready to go. We can talk about this more later."
Too relived to argue, I nodded and darted from the room, desperately rushing to the door where my shoes were already waiting for me. My apple was left forgotten on the table. I didn't dare go back for it.
The test isn't until after lunch. As I walk through the school doors the thought didn't reassure me as much as I was hoping. It's just going to be a half of a day of useless class time. No one was going to teach anything today. No one would pay attention.
Not even three steps through the door, I was assaulted by the chaotic noise of school and a building pressure starts to throb behind my left eye. It grows until it threatens to make me stumble through the obnoxious crowd of people. Groaning, I curled my lip. People gossiping. Lockers slamming. Shouts. Laughter. All of it drilled into my head, making me lose my breath for a second. I felt more than realized the gurgled groan that escaped my throat. Everyone seems louder, more active. As I tried to make my way past people, I'm jostled and bumped. It sounds like people are screaming in my ears. Maybe it's because this might be the last time they see some of their friends. After today, none of us would ever step foot in these hallways again. That would be our future factions job to finish our education.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose soothingly, hoping some of the throbbing would fade behind my eyes, but it was to no avail. Headaches didn't bother me too much usually, but every now and then I would get a splitting one like now. I used to get them all of the time on my medicine, but since I stopped they only came when I dreamt. Today was going to be a nightmare.
Just then, one voice pierced my concentration. "Look who we have here!"
Groaning internally, I squeezed my eyes shut. I was going to regret this. I could just feel it.
Be smart. Be Erudite. Be smart. Be smart…
Curiosity won out. I peaked over my shoulder, the opposite way I should be heading to my advanced mathematics class, to see a taller gangly Candor boy flanked by two others, staring at someone hidden by their frames. Their arms were crossed, all of them wearing the same regulated black and white. They were short. Shorter than me, anyway.
Big surprise there. I was probably the tallest girl in the entire school.
The hairs on the back of my neck stood in sickly anticipation as I watched them step closer to someone else. I caught a flash of grey.
Abnegation.
Despite the peace the five factions bought, I'd seen more than a few scenes like this. Abnegation believed in selflessness, extending to being so selfless they wouldn't even stand up for themselves. With the recent rumors spreading around about the things their faction had been accused of, grey had become more of a target at school. The last one I'd read talked about their leaders beating their children. So selfless. People had begun talking behind their backs. Spreading deadly gossip. Accidentally tripping them to send books flying. Taping one of the poor suckers to the toilet. The ways went on and on—really, anything crafty and tormenting flew here with the crueler people—mostly from Dauntless or Candor. I frowned at the scene in front of me. I'd never actually seen someone look so aggressive about it though.
Do something. I should do something, my mind told me. I hesitated, my body refusing to move. Another voice whispered in my ear. It's not your place. It's illogical.
The boy seemed very familiar. As a matter of fact, I recognized the punk from the blooming black eye covering the left side of his face. He was the same boy who had gotten in a fight earlier this weak when he tried taunting a Dauntless about being a cowered. The kid cold cocked him straight in the nose. He should have learned his lesson by now.
Subconsciously straightening, I clutched the straps of my backpack and turned towards them, my face blank.
I took in the people pausing at their lockers to crane their heads towards the commotion, the halls suddenly quieter than before. The school was listening. Holding its breath. I frowned, my head still pounding furiously. My chest squeezed the closer he got to the Abnegation, my grip tightening.
Did they panic like me? Could they feel the punk choking them with his breath, with his very being?
Everyone walking by ducked their heads and hushed their voices. They were probably listening, trying to find a subtle way to watch without getting caught. No one stopped. No one did anything. I watched as long as I could take it as the boys started to move closer to the person. A girl. I caught a flash of her face. Eyes down. Wide. Panicked.
This was wrong.
Swallowing, I tapped my fingers indecisively against my leg. By now I was only a few feet away.
"I'm surprised you can show your face around here, Stiff," the head boy goaded, pushing the girls shoulders a bit. She didn't even come up to his shoulder. She handled the derogatory term well. I glanced around, hoping a Dauntless or Amity would come by soon. They would step in and do something. They had to, right? Kindness and bravery. Did anyone have kindness or bravery? "With your leaders I'm surprised you guys are still leading the government. You think you deserve that? Huh, Stiff?"
Get away. I needed to get out of here.
My pride held me in place. My feet cemented to the ground. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't leave this girl like this. I couldn't make myself back down. Someone had to help her.
"Oh baby! What happened? Were those boys picking on you again?" The voice was clear in my head and my vision swam as my brain pounded. A head-splitting pain imploded somewhere deep in my head, so deep I couldn't even place it. My knuckles cracked, my grip deadly on my backpack. The breath in my chest choked somewhere in my throat.
In front of the boys I thought I saw a tall, slender woman with long chestnut hair. A warm smile spread on her face—
The girl turned. Too short. Her face was round, her eyes were dark, with plain ebony hair down her back, making her oversized grey clothes seem loose. I blinked, snapping out of my daze. The boy was right in front of her. Smirking. Staring down at her.
"Hey!" I shouted, pushing my way towards them before I could second-guess myself. Inside I was panicking. What are you doing? Turn around and get out. What the hell are you thinking? "What are you doing?" My voice came out strong and firm. So much surer than I felt.
All three of them turned towards me and the girl's head snapped up, her eyes trying to meet mine. I didn't dare look at her. Once glance and I knew I'd lose my courage. Instead, I kept my eyes trained on the tallest, the leader. Don't stand down. Don't stand down.
I stopped a few feet from them, my hands gripping my backpack straps desperately to hide the way they were shaking. The head guy laughed with his friends, looking over at them before waltzing up towards me. "What's this? Noser thinks you're going to be the better person?"
I gulped. That's what I should be, a good little brownnoser, the safe bookworm.
Push them back.
Stealing my eyes, I glared down at him. "So what if I am?"
The girl behind the guys tried pushing her way in between us, words beginning to tumble out of her mouth. "W-Wait! She doesn't-"
One of the boys pushed her out of the way cruelly. Her shoulder slammed into the locker, ringing dangerously. Every eye turned towards us. Now people didn't even bother trying to hide it. Shameless. If the hallway was quiet before, now it was deadly silent.
"Hey!" I shouted, stepping forward to push the idiot back in return, but the leader blocked my path, his face inches from my own.
Oh God, I breathed, fear suddenly creeping up into my throat. He was so close. So close. I could basically taste his breath on my face, count his eyelashes, feel his hands crawling up my neck.
Punch him. Do it. I clenched my fist reflexively, shifting my stance to balance my weight. In my pounding head, I saw flashes from last night. Panic. Fear. My heart started to race. My palms were sweaty. I could do it now.
Break him, the seething voice in my head demanded.
I couldn't. My mind was teetering. Torn between running out of here and turning right back around and smashing that guys face in. One word. One thought. One breath and I would do it.
"This won't hurt a bit." In her hand was a syringe; a clear liquid dripped from the tip of a long sterile needle. "Hold still…"
I physically recoiled, remembering the night terror. The boy laughed. Nudging one of his friends he jeered, "Look at her face! She can't even look at me without chickening out."
My fragile control snapped.
Snarling, I shoved him hard in the chest, sending him stumbling back. "Anyone would take one look at your ugly face and freak out too," I mocked.
His face burned bright red, the tips of his ears coloring. "Why you little-"
I shoved him back again, through his posy. The Abnegation girl stumbled back, fear on her face. His friends struggled to catch him. I managed to shove him back several feet. My arms burned with the effort. I heard the gasp in the crowd and let it feed me. Don't stop. Don't stop, a voice in my head chanted.
Seeing my face, his gaze faltered. It was only for a split second. Then his eyes narrowed, the burning red flush on his cheeks nearly glowed.
A group of people gathered around us. His lackeys caught him as he stumbled back into their arms.
All of his cronies roared out. "Show her who's boss Luke!" one called over the others. I hissed at the noise.
Damn he was loud.
I'd almost forgotten about my headache.
Standing up as tall as he could, Luke still fell short to me by a few inches. A perk to being a tall misfit, I guess. Smirking, I glared down at him, straightening up and squaring my shoulders. If blood wasn't pumping through my veins right now, I might have outright laughed at him. Or cowered. This isn't me, I cried inside. What was I doing?
"You'll pay for that, Noser," Luke snarled, stepping right up in my face. My eyes narrowed. "You don't belong here."
Luke was breathing straight in my face. It smelled like rotting pizza. I curled my nose in disgust, practically vibrating with energy. The fear was slower this time. Thicker, like molasses. "Get the hell out of my face!" I hissed, shoving him roughly back.
He stumbled. The darks of his eyes lit up, and he jumped back in my face. For a second I thought he would hit me. My body tensed. Subconsciously, I shifted towards the balls of me feet, ready to move, ready to pounce. Taking faster breaths, I narrowed in on his body language. Instead, he shoved me back.
I bounced against a locker with a loud clang.
For a second my head pounded. Everything shifted in front of me, the ground quaking. I felt a lurch just left of my belly button and knew I was turning green. It felt like I was going to hurl.
"You got a problem?" he shouted, jerking his arms out obnoxiously. "You wanna go?"
My eyes darkened.
Chaos broke loose and someone else took over my body.
Jumping forward, I cocked back my arm to deck him straight in the face. He sidestepped and my momentum threw me too far forward. Turning slightly, I rammed my other shoulder into his chest, knocking him back.
What I didn't expect was the fist flying towards my gut. The wind was knocked out of me in one swoop, leaving me breathless and stunned, clutching my stomach. Instant pain resonated through my body. Hunched over, I looked up to see one of the other two had moved forward reflexively, looking down at me with such a glare I felt like he was trying to set me on fire. I clenched my teeth.
Jerking up, I aimed the flat of my hand directly towards his throat. My palm shoved hard against his Adam's Apple. It gave way. The motion made my head swim, too fast without the air, but it was worth it to see him stumble back, coughing. That'd teach him to get involved in other people's fights. I hoped the prick choked on his tongue.
Straightening up, I stood to my full height. Luke managed to right himself back on his feet, leaping towards me with his fist pulled back. Panicking, I ducked. The air over my head whooshed. I moved forward, grabbing him around the gut. Swiftly, I brought my knee up as hard as I could.
He groaned, his body going limp.
I could feel him starting to lean over on me. Stepping back, I jerked my head up, desperate to get out from under him before he fell. Instead, a sharp pain shot through my head.
Cringing, I ducked back, hitting against the locker. I clutched my head the same moment Luke cradled his nose. Blood ran down his face.
"Oh God," I groaned, unable to force one eye open through the pain.
Sharp. Crisp. Twirling. The world shifted under my feet as dots swam over my eyes. I felt in control for a second as my vision swam. My stomach gave a sharp lurch, and I almost thought I was going to lose it. Shit. I think I had a concussion.
Blinking furiously, I turned towards the last boy as Luke crumbled to the ground in a heap, his other friend still clutching his throat. His face was torn. Fight or flight. I could see it in his eyes. With a glance down at his two friends, he took a half step back and that was all I needed.
I didn't know what I would have done if he wanted to fight.
My chest was heaving as I looked back down at Luke, a deep and slow building fear built up in my gut. Blood was pouring down Luke's face, thick, dark red blood. That was from me. I did that.
What was I doing?
What was I doing?
I couldn't do this. I didn't know how to do this! What was happening?
No. No. No. No. "No", I cried, my lips trembling so much I could barely voice my thoughts. Stumbling back, I stared down at my hands. This wasn't who I was. This wasn't me. What was I going to do? What would Julie think?
Jerking my head up, I looked to see several people standing in the hallway, staring on in open abandonment. Every one of their faces was shocked. Stunned.
I needed to get out of here. Right now.
"What's going on here?" a shrill voice shouted over the murmur of the crowd.
Flinching internally, I looked behind me to see an Erudite woman shoving her way through the group of students. Everyone awkwardly shuffled out of her way, some quickly disappearing before they were caught hanging around the fight. I didn't move, staring over at her. When she finally made her way toward me, her eyes widened in horror. I tried hard not to flinch when she let out a gasp, finally able to see the two boys on the ground. I really did. With my eyes squeezed shut and my teeth aching I got ready for the worst. The blood must have been on me. I could hear her choked sound of disbelief, her hand snapping over her mouth. For a second, there was silence as she probably looked between the two hurt boys, one gagging and turning purple, the other bleeding out.
I took one last look around at the people staring at me. No one moved. Not to help me. Not even to help them. They were all cowards, too afraid to step up and defend someone. Afraid like me. I was trembling deep down in my bones, my eyes wide. Maybe they were all just too caught up in the self-righteous act of pretending to fit in, they didn't dare move.
Finally the woman's eyes met mine. They were wide. Disbelieving. My face was blank as I watched her shock fade into anger.
"Ms. Cadwell! What is going on here?"