A/N: I wanna thank my great beta Steph and my amazing friend Frog for being so patient with me and my little freakouts over this fic... and for being so wonderfully inspiring. You both have given me so many great ideas and it's always a pleasure to ask you for advice!
- I'm really happy so many people keep reading this indeed very sad story. Let me know if you like the direction it's going, I'm always open to new ideas / criticism.
Chapter 7
"How was it?"
No response.
"Britt?"
"Uh. Yeah. Sorry."
Brittany had been silent since Amber had picked her up from Santana's place and Amber had decided to give her girlfriend the quiet that she obviously needed... at least on their drive home in the car. Now that they had arrived at Amber's place, Brittany had wordlessly taken off her clothes, changing into a shirt and sweatpants as she let herself sink down on the bed. Her gaze wasn't empty, she seemed to be lost in thought.
"We... ate together."
Amber swallowed.
"You cooked?"
"Mmh."
Amber sighed, changing into more comfortable clothes herself. It was pretty obvious that her girlfriend was not in the mood to talk so she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash off her make-up. Wiping her eyes clean from her eye-shadow she looked at herself in the mirror, taking a deep breath. This wasn't easy. Was there a guidebook that told you how to deal with such a situation? How to deal with a girlfriend who's rebuilding her relationship with her dying ex? If so, she really needed it.
"You wanna watch a movie or something?" she asked carefully, not knowing what else to suggest. It wasn't that late yet, not their usual sleeping time.
Brittany shrugged.
"Or, like, ... talk?"
Her girlfriend looked up to her, smiling a little as she patted the spot next to her on the covers.
"I just feel kinda drained to be honest" Brittany told her, wrapping an arm around Amber who had crawled next to her on the mattress.
Amber nodded, letting her head rest on Brittany's shoulder as she slowly let her hand stroke the girl's belly, inhaling her familiar smell.
"You were on my mind all day" Amber whispered, snuggling closer to kiss Brittany's cheek and neck. She found the spot at Brittany's earlobe that always made her giggle when she nibbled on the skin there, but there was no reaction. She let her hand travel upwards, lifting her girlfriend's shirt in the process. It wasn't wrong to want to be close to her, was it? They hadn't had sex in over a week and she missed feeling her, missed kissing her. Wasn't it nice for Brit to let go a little? To enjoy being cared for?
Amber felt Brittany's body stiffen under her touch, could see from the corner of her eye how she was staring at the ceiling.
"You okay?"
"Sure..." Brittany mumbled, turning her head to look at Amber. The smile on her lips was sad. Should she stop? Should they just sleep?
Brittany reached for Amber's hand, taking it to her lips to kiss her fingertips, one of her typical sweet gestures.
"Do you need space?"
Brittany sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. She seemed to think about her response, which was always a bad sign. Brittany never thought long about what she said, usually she just said what she wanted to say, blurted out whatever was going on in her mind. A quality Amber had always liked and appreciated.
"No. I'm glad you're here. I don't wanna be alone."
Amber nodded again, moving closer to finally capture Brittany's lips with her own, her eyes pressed shut.
"I love you" she whispered against her girlfriend's lips and Brittany allowed her to deepen the kiss, slowly opening her mouth.
Amber let out a soft moan, relieved to kiss her like that again, to have her attention. Her right hand was running through Brittany's soft blonde hair, her left hand having a mind of its own as it made its way further under Brittany's shirt, lightly stroking her breasts.
She parted Brittany's legs with her knee, moving fully on top of her, not once breaking their kiss. Brittany let her, her own hands slowly stroking up and down Amber's back.
Amber opened her eyes, searching the blue ones in front of her that were missing their usual passionate sparkle. She eyed her closely when her hand found Brittany's nipple, pinching it slightly. A small gasp was escaping Brittany's lips and she closed her eyes, frowning.
What was that frown? Was she doing something wrong? She knew Brittany's body well by now, almost as well as her own...
Brittany's hands kept running up and down Amber's back, her fingertips leaving feather light strokes above the fabric of her shirt.
She looked at her again, thumb still encircling Brittany's nipple as her mouth was travelling to Brittany's neck. Kissing. Biting a little.
Her leg was still positioned between Brittany's and she pressed it down a little more firmly, rubbing along that spot between Brittany's thighs.
"Hey, you with me?" Amber asked concerned, taking Brittany's chin in her hand to make them look at each other.
"Yes. Yes, keep going" Brittany encouraged her, closing her eyes as she seemed to focus on the pressure against her clit and the hand that was slowly making its way between their bodies, tugging on her sweatpants.
Amber's fingers were slowly making their way into Brittany's panties and Amber couldn't wait to feel the familiar warmth there. They travelled further down, brushing against soft skin, when her hand suddenly froze, one finger resting at Brittany's most intimate spot.
"Wow."
"Wow what?" Brittany asked confused, urging her girlfriend to keep doing what she was about to do.
Amber crawled off of Brittany's body, lying down next to her, staring at the wall.
"Why did you stop?"
"It's okay, Brit. It's... I guess it's not the right time. Obviously..."
Brittany didn't say anything and Amber couldn't help but feel stupid. It was fucking hard to be understanding all of the time because as sad and fucked up the situation was - the fear of losing the woman she loved kept overshadowing all of it.
She could feel her hands getting sweaty, could feel her heart beating a little faster. Brittany didn't want her anymore, did she? Yeah, sure, it was emotional overload for her girlfriend, but shouldn't her love for Britt give her power? Shouldn't she be like her safe haven? It sucked. It truly fucking sucked.
Minutes passed and the silence was suffocating as Amber felt her own fingernails dig into the palms of her hand.
"You would rather be with her, wouldn't you? You're mad at me for picking you up earlier. You wanted to stay but felt guilty, so you came with me. Am I right? I stand no fucking chance against her. You still love her. Just say it."
Brittany closed her eyes, her hands massaging her temples.
"Please..."
"Please what?" Amber blurted out, her voice close to breaking.
"Please don't... Please don't make this harder for me than it already is..."
There were so many things she wanted to say to her. So many thoughts that ran through her mind. Such a strong urge to scream that it was fucking hard for her as well because she didn't want to lose her. But no words came out.
"Let's just sleep" Amber whispered, dragging the blanket all the way up to her chin. How was she going to support her? How was she going to be able to see them together, seeing the look on Brittany's face when she was around Santana? She didn't know if she could do it. She really didn't know.
"I'm going to go with her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow morning."
It was a strong statement in the otherwise dark and quiet room.
"Yeah. Of course you are."
It was the last thing they said to each other that night.
xxxxxxxx
When Brittany woke up, Amber had already left. It was unusually early for her and Brittany knew she didn't have to cater any event before the late afternoon. A look at her phone told her she had to hurry up a little so there was no time to worry about any of this right now. She would try to fix things later.
She felt nervous on her way over to Santana's, a nervousness she wasn't used to. Talking to her doctor would make things more real, wouldn't it? Hearing them talk, worrying about test results. It was an awful feeling, being so powerless, having to rely on what some person in a white coat was going to say about her best friend's future. She had never imagined being in such a situation. Life had been so carefree for her for so many years.
Brittany picked up some bagels for Santana on the way, though she herself wasn't hungry. She knew she couldn't take one bite without feeling as if she were going to throw up.
When she arrived at Santana's house, her ex was waiting for her outside. She was wearing her warm black coat, a fluffy scarf around her neck, her wig resting perfectly atop her head. Santana never left the house in a simple jeans or a sweater. As sick as she might be, her outward appearance remained flawless.
"I hope you didn't wait too long" Brittany said concerned when Santana got into her car, buckling her seatbelt.
"Not more than two minutes" Santana replied friendly, greeting Brittany with a hug.
"You nervous?" Brittany asked her, though she knew Santana probably wasn't more nervous than she was herself.
"Whatever they have to say, I'm just happy you're there with me."
Santana smiled, letting her hand rest on top of Brittany's.
Brittany didn't know where she was going, so Santana told her the directions to the doctor's office, trying to keep the mood casual with random small talk.
She nibbled at the cream cheese bagel Brittany had brought for her, even though Brittany could tell that Santana didn't have an appetite either. Some silly part inside of her wished they were going on a nice trip right now. To the zoo, shopping, ice skating... anything but this. They'd turn up the volume of the radio and Santana would sing to one of her favourite songs. Brittany missed hearing her beautiful voice. She wondered if Santana were ever going to sing for her again.
They'd have a bag with snacks on the back seat... Happy sandwiches with smiley faces in pink tupperware. Santana had always insisted they'd buy something on the way, but Brittany was a fan of lunch boxes. In the end Santana would always give in and roll her eyes, preparing the sandwiches while Brittany filled a thermos with cocoa. Then, later, when Brittany would open the lunch box, a funny face would greet her. Bread with cucumber eyes and a carrot nose. Santana may have been tough as hell, but she was also the cutest and most loving person Brittany had ever met.
But right, they weren't going on any nice trip.
"There it is" Santana said slowly, pointing at the big brown building with the many windows behind a huge parking lot.
Walking up the steps to the entrance door felt like going in slow-motion, as if her body were trying to resist going into this doctor's office. She saw the name on the plate next to the door, saw the word oncologist, and the past days were quickly replaying in front of her eyes. How had they ended up here? After seeing Santana in the mirror of the hair salon everything had happened so fast...
Santana stepped inside before her and Brittany spotted the small dark haired woman who got up from her chair to greet them.
So this was the real Loredana, the woman whom she had heard so much about... even if most of it were lies.
"You must be Brittany" the small Italian greeted her with a handshake. "Uh, I mean, Miss Pierce."
"Brittany is fine" she told her, smiling.
"Wow, you're very pretty..." she added, trying to light the mood.
Santana blushed, whispering a warning "Brit..." between gritted teeth.
"Sorry" Brittany mumbled. "I don't know what I'm saying sometimes."
Loredana had to laugh, motioning both of them to sit down on the chairs on the other side of her desk.
"How are you feeling today?" the doctor asked Santana, and Brittany could see the other woman's eyes scanning her ex-girlfriend's body. She tried to read her mind, tried to make out the tone in her voice, but she knew she could do nothing but wait.
"I'm okay I think" Santana replied, toying with her sleeves. "Still tired pretty often."
"What about pain?" Loredana wanted to know and Brittany felt her head turn hot. She hadn't thought much about the side effects. The fact that Santana was sick had been a lot to take in so the idea of her best friend suffering from actual tumour pain was something her mind had avoided.
Santana swallowed, quickly glancing at Brittany before facing the doctor again.
"My back hurts a lot when I move too much... also my arms. The occasional cramps have gotten worse I guess... but all in all it's okay. I'm taking my medication."
Brittany felt a huge lump in her throat, grabbing Santana's hand under the table, squeezing it hard. Her own hand was icy cold, as if all the blood in her body had flooded to her head, making her cheeks turn red. She could feel her own heartbeat throughout her body.
"Yeah, that's why I'm asking... if it gets worse, I'll prescribe you some stronger pain meds."
"I'm good."
Loredana's smile faded as she looked at Santana, her gaze suddenly serious.
"San, I've looked at your results and... you don't have to pretend for anyone, okay? The meds can make it better, I promise. I can add some pills for muscle relaxation, it will help with the cramps..."
It was Santana's turn to squeeze Brittany's hand now and Brittany could feel her shift nervously on the chair next to her.
"I said I'm good."
"Okay."
Loredana was staring at some papers in front of her now, taking some notes while swallowing hard.
"I want to talk to you about the test results, Santana. Would you like us to do that privately?"
"No" Santana stated, her voice firm. "I have nothing to hide from her."
"All right..."
Brittany wanted to ask questions, wanted to hear Loredana say that it was going to be okay, but she remained quiet. She didn't let go of Santana's hand, not knowing what to focus her eyes on. Loredana seemed calm and professional but something about her was upsetting. Looking at Santana wasn't an option either because she couldn't stand the expression on her face, didn't know how long she could keep up her self control. She had to be strong for her. She had to.
"Santana..." Loredana started, her eyes still fixed on the papers. "I'm afraid that... I'm afraid it turned out that the last chemo didn't quite take effect as much as I had hoped... it's..." She swallowed. "There are several more metastases in your bones and your spine, so it's not surprising you feel this pain in your back..."
Brittany bit the inside of her cheek hard, Loredana's words echoing in her mind over and over again.
"Also your lungs are affected..."
Santana raised her hand, motioning Loredana to stop.
"It's okay. Lory, it's all right. I didn't want that chemo anyway, you know that."
"What are you talking about?" Brittany blurted out, letting go of Santana's hands.
"What do you mean you didn't want it? What does this all mean anyway? I read so much about cancer, so much about liver cancer, the books said it could be healed, they said that - "
"Brittany..." the doctor interrupted her, her voice soft. "The thing is that liver cancer is extremely hard to detect in the beginning. The symptoms are usually small, mostly not noticeable enough for a patient to get worried and consult a doctor... In most cases, such as Santana's, liver cancer is detected during a routine examination... at a point when it's already too late to treat it before it gets the chance to spread, do you understand that?"
Brittany nodded, her cheeks flushed, her eyes tearing up.
"We were all hoping that the chemo would be more effective, but the cancer is very aggressive. Of course it would be possible to try another round, but I have to admit that I don't think it is going to increase Santana's life expectancy... If anything it is going to make her feel a lot weaker..."
Tears were streaming down Brittany's cheeks now and Santana tried to smile as she stroked her ex-girlfriend's leg under the table.
"Hey Brit-Brit..." she told her, her voice soft, yet close to breaking. "No tears, it's not a surprise."
Brittany felt like pushing the goddamn chair away and running out of the small and suffocating office. She pinched her skin hard, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. She would wake up, right? It was just a fucking nightmare.
Of course Santana had already told her the most terrifying facts. Of course she had told her how slim her chances of recovery were - but hearing all this out of the doctor's mouth? Too real. Too fucking real.
"We are all here for Santana's support, Brittany" Loredana tried to calm her down. "We have the most excellent doctors, even here at our local hospital. We'll all be here the whole way, you're not alone in this."
"Excuse me" Brittany breathed out, feeling her breath shorten, the lack of oxygen making her dizzy. "I... No. Can't. Need air. I'm sorry."
With that she stood up, stumbling to the door. She pushed against it, frustrated when it didn't open. Her vision was blurry but she could still make out the 'Pull'- sign, groaning as she finally managed to open it and run into the hallway. She started coughing, quickly unbuttoning the first few buttons of her blouse, scared of suffocating or fainting. She made her way over to the closest window, shaking hands ripping it open so she'd be able to breathe in some fresh and cool late autumn air.
She didn't know how long she had been standing there, her mind empty and dark, until she finally felt a warm hand on her back.
"Brit..." Santana whispered, her thumb brushing along her shoulder blade.
"I'm so sorry" Brittany sobbed. "I just couldn't hear it... I .. I wanted to be here for you and now I messed it up completely, oh god."
"No... no no, don't say that" Santana said, her chin resting on Brittany's shoulder. "I'm the one who's sorry. I should have known what she had to tell me. I never should have brought you here."
Brittany turned around, looking her ex-lover straight in the eyes. She was so brave. Santana was so fucking brave. And she herself was weak. A fucking coward who was trying to be strong for her but felt so close to breaking.
"It's not your fault you're sick."
"It's not your fault either, Brit. It's no one's fault. It's life. And life often sucks."
Brittany wondered how Santana managed not to cry. How wasn't she terrified? How did she do it?
She took Santana's hand again - which felt warm against her cold one - staring down at their entangled fingers.
"I can't even begin to imagine a life without you, Santana. I don't want it. I don't want it."
Here she was, feeling like a little child again.
She let herself sink onto the floor, back pressed against the wall behind her, and Santana sat down next to her, wrapping her arm around Brittany's shaking body. The floor was hard and cold but Brittany didn't care, she buried her head in Santana's neck, letting her tears soak the other woman's shirt.
She was going to sit here forever. She didn't think she'd ever be able to get up again. She'd just drown in this moment forever. In Santana's embrace.
She was the one who should be comforting her, not the other way around. Santana should be crying and Brittany would tell her she'd always be here for her, kiss her hair, whisper comforting words into her ear. But she didn't have the power.
How did Santana manage to make her feel so safe in a situation like this? She had always been the strong one, always held Britt close, always protected her. She had been her rock, her whole life long.
Brittany was grabbing the fabric of Santana's jacket hard, clinging to it as if her life depended on it. She wanted this feeling to go away, yet she didn't want this moment to end. Because every other moment would bring her closer to the day she'd die, right? Couldn't they find a way to stop time? To stop all the clocks on this planet?
"Ssshh..." Santana whispered, pressing Brittany closer. Brittany could feel Santana's heartbeat, could feel it hammering in her chest, so close to her own. She wished it would never stop beating. It felt like the most important sound on earth.
"You know, Brit..." Santana started, her voice barely audible. "I thought I was going to be okay with... you know... dying..."
She twirled some blonde locks around her finger, putting a small kiss on Brittany's hair.
"... but now... with you back in my life..." Santana had to smile, her gaze dropping as she took in the form of the girl next to her who had snuggled up so close to her on this dirty floor of a public hallway. "...with you back in my life... I kinda don't wanna go..."
Brittany chose not to say anything, knowing exactly what it meant. There was no turning back. Santana still loved her the same way as she had always loved her. And she felt it too. Stronger than ever before.
Xxxxxxxxx
Brittany wanted nothing more than to spend every free minute with Santana but she had clients waiting for her at the hair salon and hadn't yet gotten the chance to tell her boss that she was going to take some time off. However, Brittany was going to do that today. No doubt about it. She wouldn't be able to go to work every day as if nothing had happened, she would do everything she could to be there for Santana.
They were still sitting in the car in front of Santana's apartment, not quite willing to say good bye yet.
"We can do this, right? We can." Brittany told Santana, still feeling rather weak from all the crying earlier that day. "I told you we'd get through this together and I mean it. I promise I won't break down like that again."
"You don't have to promise me anything, Britt" Santana replied. "And I understand if you say you can't do it, I - "
"Stop. Don't even say it."
"Okay."
Santana started chuckling after a while, looking down on her lap.
"What's so funny?" Brittany asked confused, wondering what on earth would be worth laughing about right now.
"Nothing... it's just... it's kinda silly, isn't it? The dreams you have as a kid or as a teenager? The things you never do because you think you have all the time in the world to do them?"
Brittany nodded slowly, still not getting the joke.
"Did you know that for a while, when I was younger, I had this pretty ridiculous dream of owning a motorcycle and driving off into the sunset with you? I pictured you in a sexy leather jacket, how you'd sit behind me, and we'd look all kick-ass, like a real power couple. I thought one day we'd go on some super awesome Route 66 journey, hanging out in biker bars, making out in cheap motels on the way..."
She laughed and Brittany had to raise her eyebrows, yet there was a small smile tugging on her lips at this quite absurd image.
"And now look at me... I can't even play miniature golf without almost passing out. Pathetic."
"Don't think that," Brittany told her. "There are plenty of things you still can do. And we'll do all of them."
"Well, I'll certainly never own a motorcycle" Santana added with a wink.
For a second Brittany wanted to tell her they could still make out in cheap motels, but she quickly remembered that they weren't together anymore. It was so weird, being around Santana. She had been part of her life for so long that it sometimes felt as if nothing had changed. But there was someone else in her life now... someone she truly cared for. Brittany felt guilty for even having these thoughts.
"I guess I should head to work now..." Brittany said slowly, looking apologetic.
"I know" Santana replied, smiling. "Thanks for coming with me today though. I truly appreciate it. A lot."
Brittany smiled, leaning in to hug Santana. Another one of those extremely long hugs, Brittany thought. Another hug that said 'I'm scared to let go'.
"We'll talk later?"
"We will."
Brittany waited in the car until Santana had disappeared inside, staring at the door for a few moments longer after it had shut. She thought about the things Santana had told her, thought about her dreams, about how much time they might have left together, when suddenly an idea crossed her mind.
It was never too late to make dreams come true, was it?
Xxxxxxxxx
Santana had spent the rest of the day in front of the television, trying to distract herself. Part of her was still feeling guilty for making Brittany go through all of this, especially since it was exactly what she had tried to avoid by not telling her about her illness. But now that everything was out in the open, the thought of having her back in her life meant more than anything. Even if she'd never kiss her again, even if they could never be lovers again, Santana was willing to take what she could get.
Santana was startled for a second when her phone rang and she didn't recognize the number on the display. It couldn't be Brittany and it couldn't be Lory, both of them being the only people who called on her cell.
"Hello?" she asked into the speaker, half-expecting it to be someone who had dialled the wrong number.
"Santana?"
"Yes?"
"This... uh... this is Amber."
Santana felt her body stiffen. What did she want from her?
"Everything okay with Brittany?" she asked worried, immediately scared her friend had gotten into a car accident on her way to work. It would make sense, considering how emotionally mixed up she had been all day.
A sigh at the other hand.
"Yes... yes, everything okay."
"Thank god... uh... what do you want?"
There were rustling sounds at the other end and Santana wondered what the hell this call was about.
"Hello?"
"Yeah. Yes, sorry, I shouldn't have called, it's just..." Santana heard her swallow. "I'm just gonna say it... Is anything going on between you two?"
"Excuse me?" Santana asked confused. She couldn't be serious, could she? A jealous phone call?
"If so, please tell me. Gosh... I'll back off, okay? I'll leave her, as much as it'll hurt me. But I can't be in this relationship, thinking something's going on behind my back, I can't."
"You cannot be serious" Santana told her, offended. "Hate to break it to you, Amber, but I'm sick, not a home wrecker."
Silence.
"I... I'm sorry. I'm just kinda desperate and I'm sorry about what you're going through, but Brittany is not the same around me anymore."
Santana didn't know what to say, already now wondering if she should tell Brittany about this more than inappropriate phone call. Of course Brittany would be different, what did this person expect? It didn't make her a cheater.
"Listen to me, girl. I don't know you and I don't know much about your relationship with Brittany but what I can see is that you're obviously having trust issues. Your girlfriend has been my best friend my whole damn life and her being there for me just shows what a fucking amazing person she is. She's also the most honest person on this planet, I don't even see how you can doubt her for one second" Santana yelled into her speaker, not remembering the last time she had been that upset.
"But you're still in love with her, aren't you?"
Santana felt overwhelmed, not knowing what to think, let alone say to all this. Still in love with her? Fuck, she couldn't even let her thoughts go that way. She couldn't allow herself to consider these feelings because it would only break her heart. Of course she loved her. Of course she wasn't enjoying any of this. Of course part of her constantly felt like kissing Brittany when she was around her, but she had other things to worry about. She had to worry about death - if she let herself imagine that Brittany was sleeping with another woman every night she'd go crazy. She blocked these thoughts and feelings out with everything she had.
"I can't believe you're even going there..." Santana said slowly, her voice cold as ice. "This is crazy..."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay. Shit... shit, I'm sorry. Fuck."
Santana had to shake her head. She could hear the embarrassment in Amber's voice but that didn't make things better.
"I'll hang up now" Santana stated, not waiting for the other woman's reply as the call disconnected.
Damn, this was a fucking mood killer.
Santana lay down on the couch again, staring at the television that was still running in the background, yet not really paying attention to anything that was going on on screen. What did this person want from her? That she backed off? That she'd tell Brittany to stay away? She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it any more. It was too late for that. It'd kill her faster than this fucking cancer would.
Sometimes she wished she hadn't stopped talking to all of her other friends... that she hadn't relied on Brittany as much. What had happened to the people she'd been friends with during high school? What about Quinn Fabrey? What about Sam Evans? Or even Rachel Berry for that matter? Why had they all stopped talking at some point? Why had she shut everyone out?
She hadn't even talked to her own parents in ages. They had never gotten along very well and after their divorce and a huge fight, all three of them had gone their separate ways. Was it time to call them? Shouldn't they know their daughter was dying? Would they even give a shit?
Ugh, she shouldn't have picked up the phone. All she could think of now was that Brittany was dating someone else and that this person didn't even appreciate her, didn't trust her. Because seriously, there was no reason to be suspicious, was there? Brittany didn't love her like that anymore... Right?
Santana sighed, undressing to take a hot bath. Her upper stomach hurt and she felt like closing her eyes for a bit and enjoying some warm water on her skin.
Before getting into the tub, Santana looked at herself in the mirror as she removed her wig. Huge brown eyes were searching for anything desirable in her reflection, but they found nothing. Short hair, thin arms, bony hips and her skin a shade of yellow. Santana shook her head, turning away from the image of herself. There wasn't much left of the pretty, confident Santana Lopez, the cheerleader who had dated the beautiful blonde girl in her cheerleading squad. The beautiful blonde was now dating another beautiful blonde. Someone worthy of her beauty.
Santana stepped inside the tub while the water was still running in. She loved the sound of running water more than anything else. It was the most comforting sound on earth and there was no better feeling than closing your eyes, listening to the water and slowly feeling the tub fill around you, surrounding you with its warmth. For maybe an hour she'd be able to shut out the world and not care about anything or anyone.
Santana shut off the water. It didn't take long for her to fall into a dreamless sleep.
Xxxxxxxx
When Santana opened her eyes again, the water around her had turned cold. She groaned a little, her back hurting from having lain in the tub for longer than she had planned. She carefully climbed out, wrapping herself in a huge orange towel. A look outside the window told her it was dark and she figured she was tired enough to continue her nap in her actual bed.
After having dried off most of her body and hair, Santana put on her pyjamas and headed back to the living room to take a look at her phone which was still lying on the table. Hm. No message. No call.
Santana couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, having hoped to hear something from Brittany before she went to bed. She figured it had all been a bit too much for her friend and she most likely needed some time for herself to process the events of the day.
She made her way over to the kitchen, heated up some water to make herself a cup of tea. The green tea that Brittany had brought her yesterday, telling her some professor in Europe had healed his cancer by drinking one glass every night before sleep. Santana didn't believe in such things but the tea came from Brittany, which was reason enough to drink it.
Just as she put a bit of honey into her cup, Santana winced at the sound of the doorbell. What the...?
She wondered if it was Brittany after all, coming by to tell her good night in person, and she felt a wave of excitement in her belly. She rushed over to the mirror to see if she looked completely awful, only to realize that she did.
"You should call me first..." she muttered to herself, quickly brushing her hair as she let the door buzz open.
She peeked outside, to see if it really was Brittany and not some random stranger she had let in, but what she saw made her catch her breath.
"What on... Are you... Oh my god, are you serious?"
From one second to the next Santana had forgotten about her wet, tousled hair and her blue pyjamas. Her ex was walking up the stairs to her apartment, grinning.
Brittany's blonde hair was curly, voluminously falling over her shoulders. She was wearing tight baby blue jeans, dark cowboy boots and a black leather jacket with a little brown fox tail hanging out of one pocket. Dark make-up was highlighting her eyes and she was carrying a box, wrapped in colourful paper.
"Gonna let me in?" she asked, smiling. Santana nodded in awe, slowly stepping away from the entrance.
"Please don't tell me you're here with a motorcycle, Brit... Cause I'm pretty sure neither you nor I know how to ride such a thing."
Brittany chuckled. "Don't be silly, San. Here, open it."
Santana shook her head, not believing what her friend was doing but enjoying it nonetheless.
She carefully unwrapped the box and opened it, laughing as she found another leather jacket in it.
"Should be your size. Try it on."
Santana did as she was told, putting on the dark leather jacket that felt a little too large around her waist but definitely fulfilled its purpose.
"Look what's in your pocket!" Brittany ordered cheerfully and Santana put her right hand into her jacket to find something that felt like a little plastic toy. She pulled it out, smiling as she examined the little red thing.
"My very own motorcycle" she stated, laughing, but there was a small tear in her eye that she didn't want to let the other woman see. This was too cute for words. This was why she loved her so much.
"You like it?" Brittany asked her.
"Love it, Brit."
"Awesome!"
With that Brittany hopped next to Santana on the couch, wrapping her arm around her as she held a Polaroid camera in front of their faces.
"Hold up the motorcycle and smile" she ordered.
"Brit, I look like cr-"
"Shhh, do it!"
Santana had to roll her eyes but it made her laugh nonetheless, right when Brittany pressed the shutter button and the flash light blinded their eyes for a second.
Brittany took the Polaroid out of the camera, shaking it until the image appeared.
"There's something else in the box" she told her friend and Santana realized that there was indeed something else lying on the bottom of the package – something that looked like a book.
"What is it?" she asked Brittany, running her thumb over the green cover.
"Look inside" Brittany encouraged her and Santana carefully opened it, being greeted by Brittany's typical handwriting.
It said 'Perfect Bucket List', each letter written with a different crayon. It was so Brit.
Santana turned the page.
No.1 – Own a motorcycle. Check.
Brittany had fumbled some sticky tape out of her pocket, gluing it on the back of her Polaroid to stick the picture next to the number in the book.
Santana looked at her, puzzled.
"I'm not quite sure I understand..." she said slowly but Brittany smiled, putting her hand on Santana's thigh.
"San..." she started, her thumb stroking her friend's knee over the fabric of her blue pyjama pants. "This..." she said, pointing at herself in her biker outfit, "...is certainly not everything you ever dreamt of. Just because this disease has decided to make you sick, doesn't mean we have to let it win, right? It doesn't mean we have to sit here and wait until... you know."
Her eyes were moving rapidly in her head, her mouth not willing to pronounce the words again.
"I love you, Santana." Brittany told her. "I love you and I want you to live your life to the fullest. I want you to enjoy every second of it."
"And how am I gonna do that?" Santana whispered, her eyes not once leaving the crystal blue ones in front of her.
"By making this list with me, San. This book." She smiled. "There are enough pages in it to fill them with the most amazing memories. I want you to write down everything you ever wanted to do in your life. It doesn't matter if it's small or big or silly or adventurous – anything. And I promise you we'll do it – I give you my word."
Santana felt the thick lump in her throat at seeing Brittany like this... here, in their old living room, on the couch they had picked out together, wearing this crazy but sexy outfit, bringing her all these things... this book..
And she was looking at her with so much love in her eyes that it made Santana's heart hurt. She wanted nothing more than to press her lips on Brittany's in that moment. Nothing more than to tell her that this would be the first point on her perfect bucket list.
"You wanna do that with me?" Brittany asked, suddenly more insecure. "Or.. or do you think it's stupid?"
"Nothing you ever did for me was stupid, Brittany..." Santana stated, covering Brittany's hand with her own which was still lying on top of her leg.
"But are you sure? This sounds like a lot of work you wanna put in this, like it's going to take up a lot of time..."
"I'm on a break from work" Brittany explained. "I talked to my boss today and I'm not gonna go back for now."
Santana smiled but the tears in her eyes made her vision blurry. She knew what it meant. Brittany was taking time off work until she'd be gone... She'd take care of her until she was dead because there wasn't much time left, right? Oh wow. Fuck.
"San...?" Brittany whispered, her thumb quickly brushing a tear away from Santana's eye before it could roll down her cheek. "You okay?"
"Yeah. Yes, I'm okay" Santana reassured her, nodding. "Let's do this then."
"Let's do this" Brittany repeated, grinning and wrapping her arms around her friend.
Santana was inhaling Brittany's smell. She smelled like hairspray and leather, like the hot biker lady she had always dreamt of when she was younger.
"Thank you" she whispered and she could feel Brittany smile against the skin of her neck.
Brittany was right. Her life wasn't fucking over. She wasn't going to spend the last few months of her life in front of the TV. Brittany was giving her new hope, new power, and she was going to use it – for both of them.
Santana Lopez would have a hell of an awesome rest of her life, however long it might be.