A/N: Another big thanks to all of those that have been following this story. Thanks JustCallMeWhatever and Faesong for your reviews. They both made me smile and kept me writing through the terrible season of final exams. I'll have the next chapter up next week, as usual :)
Sometimes, it helps to think I'm small. Ever since the day I was born, I had always been freakishly tall, taller than any other girls I'd known. There wasn't anything normal about it. No matter where I went or what I did, I could see the heads of nearly everyone around me glancing, even if just for a moment, to see the enormous twig lumbering through the crowd. No, lumbering sounded too clumsy. I was much more – how could I say it – tactless. More than once, I had been called graceful – I was fairly active, so hopefully, I was at least coordinated – but I never knew quite what to do with myself. It was almost like there was a delay between my brain and my body. Then again, maybe they stared because I was so different from everyone else. It wasn't the way I looked or the things I did; it was something around me I wore like a fog. Different. Which, in factions, different apparently meant odd. That's why I fancied being small.
When a girl is small, not too many people notice them. It could be because they simply slip by people, unseen with all of the abnormally giant girls sauntering around. If not, then maybe people thought it was better to be shorter than taller. It didn't matter. I don't know why, but being small was normal.
And I would do anything to be normal right now.
Sitting stiffly in the cold metal chair in some office—I'd never had to come to this part of the school before—I bounced my leg anxiously as my eyes flitted around. Part of me wished I could curl up in a little ball and shrink into nothingness. The other part stood defiant, knowing I technically did the right thing by standing up for that girl. It might not have changed anything later on, but for once someone might think twice before picking on another Abnegation.
God, I was so stupid. So reckless.
The room was average size, the walls a neutral white. A desk was hidden behind a counter, sectioning off the room into a waiting area and reception desk, but no one sat in the seat. The only other chair in the entire room sat next to me, made out of the same uncomfortable metal that cut right into my lower back. There weren't any doors to be seen, excluding the one I had been ushered through.
Maybe if I was smaller I'd be more comfortable in this seat. I couldn't help but wonder. People didn't design things for the tall population, after all. Statistically, it didn't make sense.
I groaned.
I'd been waiting here alone for the past hour, at least, and my mind was starting to feel the strain of my uneasy solitude. After the Erudite woman led me here, past the staring students, she left me. Just like that. No warnings. No advice. All I got was, "Wait here." Then, with the click of the lock, she was gone.
I waited. That's what an Erudite would do, after all. They would wait and listen to what they're told. If I just stayed here, someone would come and explain everything thoroughly and simply. All I had to do was wait. Other Erudite members wouldn't tell me to do something wrong, not when we were groomed so meticulously to never get anything wrong in our entire lives, no matter the cost.
Why did I have to step in and pick a fight anyways? My mind couldn't seem to get off the thought. Fretting anxiously, I wrung my hands, tipping my head back against the wall behind me. There were so many different things I could have done. I could have gone and gotten someone, let them deal with it. It's what I should have done. No, I had to be an idiot. I was supposed to be smarter than that. Question after question swam through my head. Why would they just leave me here? Did they need to bring someone else in to punish me? Were they calling Jeanine? I shuddered at the thought. Hopefully not. I could only imagine how angry she would be if she was called in to scold a faction member the day before the Choosing Ceremony. Then something struck me. Were they calling Julie? Oh God, they probably were. They were going to call her and say her only daughter beat up two boys on arguably the most important days of a dependents life.
Wait… What if they don't let me take the Aptitude Test?
I would be factionless.
Forever.
Biting my lip, I let out another groan. This was killing me.
"Ms. Cadwell," a deep voice called.
Snapping upright, my eyes locked onto the man that was standing across the room. For a second, my vision swam and my head throbbed, reminding me of the concussion I was growing steadily surer of. I couldn't tell if it was a result of my piercing headache or breaking a kids nose with my head. With a breath, I tried forcing myself to focus. The man. I should have heard him come in. My eyes flickered back to the door behind him. It was closed, the lock undone. Think. Maybe I was caught up in my thoughts. Maybe a lot of things. My mind stretched in a million different ways, and yet none at the same time.
At least he wasn't Jeanine Matthews.
Turning back to him, I quickly took everything in about the man. Like all other Erudite, he was in the blue, but his type of shoes gave him away as a teacher. Principle, possibly. They were hard leather. Polished, but scuffed. They weren't the safe lab shoes all of the researchers used or the spotless ones doctors wore. A messenger bag hung across his body. He was tall and wiry, a pair of rectangular thick-rimmed glasses balanced on his slightly crooked nose. There was nothing memorable about is face. Plain. Ordinary. Cookie-cutter. Still, as I looked into his murky brown eyes, I was struck with a sudden sense of trepidation. He was here for me. For my punishment.
My spine felt like it would snap if I tried locking it any straighter. Clearing my throat, I stood and stepped up towards him. Nearly every muscle in my back and legs protested, my joints stiff from sitting, but I ignored it in favor of smoothing my pants with a smile. My step was shaky and I had to close my eyes for a moment before I could right myself again. Another weakness. He'd have to be blind not to have seen it. "Yes?" I called, hoping he would take it as a cue to introduce himself.
Instead, he ordered, "Come with me." Holding out a hand he gestured to the door, letting me go first.
I hesitated. Questions danced on the tip of my tongue.
He answered before I could even ask. They must have been written plainly across my face. "I'm here to take you to your Aptitude Test."
Oh.
The man's face was professionally blank as I passed, but I could see the judgment and disapproval in the tightness of his eyes and rigidly of his posture. The body could never lie. I waited patiently for him to close to the door, and slid easily in line behind him as he took off down the hallway. The soft clicks of his shoes were the only noise around us. My feet were silent.
The silence pressed in around me. Halfway down the second hallway, it became too much. "What's going to happen to me?" I asked.
He didn't stop; his footsteps never faltered. Without even turning, he answered, "You're mother has already been informed of the situation. She'll be waiting to collect you after the test." Collect. I shuddered, the chill making my skin prickle. Not picked up. Collected. Like a tool. "A few Candors informed us what happened."
Wait. "Candors?" I asked, my voice choked. The bullies were Candors. They wouldn't have really asked them what happened and expected them to tell the truth. Would they? They might not even belong in Candor after tomorrow.
The man's eyes slid over to me, heavy like lead. I felt my chest tighten. "Of course." His voice was hard, sharp as a razor. "Are you suggesting there is a problem in the faction system that we shouldn't believe a Candor?" He might as well have slapped me in the face.
"N-No," I fumbled, recoiling a bit. Quickly backtracking, I tried to smooth the situation. "Of course not. There's nothing wrong with the faction system."
Another tense second later, his eyes finally released mine, and I exhaled softly in relief. Forget trying to ask this guy anything else. Whoever this man was, he was creepy. I kept my head down, determined to be nothing but a shadow behind him.
It only took me a quick moment to recognize where I was as we walked. They'd kept me in the recreational side of the building. In order to get to the classrooms where the test would take place, we'd have to walk across the school and past the cafeteria. Since the rooms weren't used for anything else during the year, they were all tucked closely in one back hallway. Each step closer, I felt the slight pinch in my stomach grow a little stronger. I was starting to wish I'd thought a little bit more about what was going to happen.
The cafeteria is packed when we walk by. I can tell before we get there by all of the noise echoing down the halls. They sounded happy, carefree. I glanced in, unable to stop myself.
A few people looked over. I didn't balk as our gazes meet. Deep in my gut, I can feel the recognition. It looked like I'd made a name for myself. Would I ever see them again?
Probably not.
Then, the cafeteria is gone, and I nearly ran straight into the man as he stopped abruptly in front of the next hallway. Quickly skirting around him, I avoided his oppressing gaze in favor for facing my fate. I didn't need to see the contempt, anyways. His face was so blank it was mechanical. He didn't even bother saying anything before I heard his retreat back the way we came. Only then did I stare after him a moment, frowning.
What a tool.
A completely ordinary Abnegation woman is waiting for me when I turn back around. I was almost startled; I didn't see her earlier. She's standing right in the middle of the hallway. Maybe she came out of a room to greet me. Either way, I tried not to worry too much. Abnegation wanted to be unnoticeable. Her grey clothes are too large for her, but her face is warm and kind. If she wasn't standing alone by herself, I probably wouldn't have noticed the natural beauty she radiated. Of course it would be an Abnegation giving up their time to eat in order to administer the test for me. Selfless. I feel guilty under her gaze. Was she aware I had just beaten two boys a few hours ago, for her faction no less? Would she still be smiling at me the same way?
"Come this way please," the woman asked nicely. She held out her arm, gesturing towards the first white door out of the several lining the hallways. There was an airy quality to her voice that flowed like silk.
Shaking myself from my thoughts, I forced a small smile. I wanted to say thank you, at least open my mouth and say something to her, but I found I'd lost my voice. Instead, I only nodded my head dumbly and ducked quickly into the room.
All of the walls were mirrors. It took me a moment to realize with how brightly the room is lit. There's not an inch of shadow in the entire place. Everything was startling white. It's almost enough to distract me from noticing the single medical chair in the middle of the room. A few smaller machines were next to it, one with a screen and the other covered in measuring devices as well as adjustment knobs. A serum station.
A stabbing pain speared my head.
"Be sure to strap her in tightly. We don't want her moving." Hands moved across me. My arms and legs started to tingle as tight straps cut into my body. Another strap across my head. I couldn't move. Faces were closing in all around me. Fear. Pounding.
"This won't hurt a bit." In her hand was a syringe; a clear liquid dripped form the tip of a long sterile needle. "Hold still…"
The flash of memory hit me like a brick wall, sucking the air straight from my lungs. No. Not memory. I haven't been strapped to a chair and forced an injection, I thought, but the logic couldn't pierce my brain. Gulping, my heart starts to pound in my chest. This was it? The test was a serum? My knees shook. They felt like they would give at any second. The throbbing in my head was absolutely crippling. Everything began shrinking in around me, choking me, squeezing me. A burn grew in the side of my neck.
I froze.
The Abnegation woman's voice snapped me from my terror. It was sweet like honey and rolled like a gentle stream. Still, I nearly jerked out of my skin. "Don't worry." My eyes flickered over to her—my body was still locked in place, every muscle so tight I couldn't have moved if I tried. She was giving me a smile, her eyes careful to stay on me, rather than any of the walls around the room. Paranoia creeps in on me. I can't breathe. "Nothing is going to hurt you."
I let out a deep breath, trying to focus on her voice. It was so gentle, I can feel it seeping into my skin. Relax. I am in control of my body and mind. I control my fear. I control it all.
"My name is Edith. Members of the test subject's"—my breath hitched slightly—"faction are not permitted to test the dependents, so I am going to be administering the test for you."
A little more. Relax. Breathe. Deep breathes.
"While I'm not allowed to tell you what the test is exactly, I can assure you there is nothing you have to fear in here. You can trust me."
There.
Slumping down slightly, I take a few more deep breaths before smiling weakly at Edith. I feel awkward after having a slight panic attack, but she kindly adverted her gaze and began clicking around on the computer. Thankful for the time, I take one more look around before heading towards the ominous chair in the middle of the room.
What if the walls weren't really mirrors? The question pops in before I can stop it, and I feel my body tensing again. They didn't have to be mirrors, after all. People could be on the other side. Cameras. Monitors. Was this the test? Were they waiting to see if I could figure it out? If not did that mean I couldn't make Erudite?
Did I even want to make Erudite?
I didn't know.
Once I'm sitting, Edith stepped forwards with two electrodes in her hand. "I'm going to have to attach these to your head so I can record your session and figure out your aptitude. They might be a little sticky, but try not to touch them." Her voice was soft and composed. I feel her fingers against my temples, feather-light as she pressed the electrodes into my skin.
Stupid. Stupid. I'm stupid, I chided, closing my eyes and forcing my back down against the seat. I was stiff, not one inch of me relaxing back into the cushioning, and I fought desperately to stay in control. I'm Erudite. I'm in control. No fear.
I prayed she couldn't see how I was shaking.
"Are you ready?" Edith asked. Her voice startles me a little, and my fingers twitch.
Her smile tells me she saw, but she doesn't say anything. My cheeks burn a little in shame and my tongue feels like sandpaper stuck to the roof of my mouth. Knowing my voice will crack if I tried to speak, I only nod, my hands locked firmly in my lap.
I'm cool. I'm calm. I'm Erudite. I will be in control. I won't let my fear rule me.
My eyes wouldn't tear away from the monitor next to me. In my peripherals, I saw an endless sea of myself staring at the screen. Pale. Shaking. Terrified.
I'm Erudite. I can do this. Nothing bad will happen to me. This is all for the future. No fear. No fear.
It doesn't help.
Edith gave me another smile as she reached down and grabbed a small glass filled with a clear liquid. For a moment, panic made me freeze.
Clear.
Clear.
Clear.
The night terror threatened to resurface right here in the worst moment of my life. I could remember the fear plain as day. Restricted. My body quivered.
"Drink this."
Mechanically, my hand reached up. It was trembling and sweaty. The glass shook, the liquid nearly spilling out. I took one deep breath. I wouldn't let fear control me. Then, before I could change my mind, I knocked the glass back and I cringed at the taste.
I didn't even feel Edith taking the glass from my hand. The lights were so bright up ahead and the mirrors glared back at me. Fear struck for a split second as I realized my vision started to swim. This can't be happening. Not now. No. No. No. The thudding in my head matched the pounding in my heart. Then I was gone.
The first thing I noticed when I woke up is the blinding light above my head. Squinting back, I covered my eyes, waiting until they adjusted to the harsh light. I was sitting in the testing room. "Is the test already over?" I murmured to myself. Looking around, I searched for Edith, craning around in the chair to see if she's hiding somewhere in the room of mirrors.
Snorting to myself, I swung my legs out of the chair glad my body wasn't stiff. At least the test couldn't have lasted that long then. Forgetting must have been an aftereffect, purposefully blocking it from my mind so I couldn't tell anyone else what happened in the future.
I stood around the room a moment longer, impatiently drumming my fingers against my leg as I waited for what I was supposed to do. She never said if I found out my results right after the test. Maybe they sent them back to my house and I'd get them when I got home. Then again, maybe she just gave me some time to recover from the serum. She could have only stepped out for a second to get my results. I might have been under longer than she thought.
Concluding nothing bad could really happen, I decide to try and find Edith myself. Worst-case scenario, someone would just tell me to come back and wait for my results. No harm done. I hoped.
The halls were empty when I stepped out. There wasn't a single sole visible, nor the faintest echo of voices. Strange. I took a quick turn back down the way I came, hoping to see someone in the busier hallways.
As I came to the cafeteria my brain started prickling. It was silent. Where did everyone go? Weren't they supposed to take their test after lunch? No one had been standing in the hallways by the testing rooms. I couldn't have been asleep for that long. They would have moved me by then. They would have had to make room for others. I stopped as I walked into the cafeteria, frowning as I see it really is barren. Even the tables had been cleared out. "Where is everybody?"
A feeling in my gut pulled me towards the room, but I held back. There was something strange going on. A chill crept up my spine and the hairs on my arms stood at end as a nervous energy bubbled in my stomach.
I shouldn't go in. Something was wrong.
Just as I move to pull back and go away, I notice two pedestals in the middle of the room. Those hadn't been there before. At least, I didn't think so. Nibbling on my lip, I stared hard at them.
I walked up. Nothing was going to hurt me here. Despite that, I still felt the burning feeling on the back of my neck like someone was watching me. As I got closer, I saw there was only one item on each pedestal; the first held a large hunk of cheese, while the second displayed a deadly knife that glinted in the light.
"Pick one," a voice called, booming out of nowhere.
"Ah!" I cried out as a pain lurched through my head, nearly knocking me over.
"I have a very important task for you," the same voice hissed in my ear. A viper. Pain. Sharp. My neck. It bloomed, ripping and tearing through my body inch by inch to my heart.
"Don't fail me."
Clutching my head, I gritted my teeth hard. The throbbing was back behind my eyes. I gripped the side of one of the pedestals hard until I was sure I could hold my weight. That voice. I knew that voice—intimately—but I couldn't place it. My knees trembled. Who was it? Where were they?
I looked around. No one was here. The room was still bare. I turned, trying to check the door, but I couldn't find one. No door. A flutter of panic welled up in my chest. How'd I get in? I could have sworn I walked through a door to get here. Did I just wake up here? My head was pounding. I couldn't remember…
Taking a few deep breaths, I calmed myself again. It was easier this time. Once my head was clear, I feel my eyes drawn by a bright flash of light. The knife was in front of me. Something deep in my gut called me to take it. Hold it. Admire it. I could see my reflection staring back at me in the blade. It was calling to me.
Hesitating, I pulled back. I was in control of my emotions. "How am I supposed to know what to pick?" I asked.
The same voice answered. "Choose."
Glancing around one last time, I gave into the temptation to hold something so dangerous and powerful in my hand. The handle was smooth and I was almost surprised by the weight. It's heavier than I thought it would be.
A vicious bark shattered the silence behind me. Heart leaping, I whipped around. A dog was standing across the room, larger than any beast I'd ever seen in my entire life, foam dripping from its mouth. Its eyes almost glowed, staring straight at me. The click of its claws scraping closer matched my steps back, absolutely prowling towards me. It was coming. Deadly. My heart started to race and I stumbled backwards over my feet. Suddenly my mind felt wide-awake as the dog cut the air with a grizzly snarl.
Kill it. I'm supposed to kill it, I realize as the knife glinted in the light again. Immediately, I knew I couldn't. The twisting in my gut and the slight tremble in my fingers told me I'd fail. There had to be another way. I couldn't kill. Logic. Logic. There had to be a way out.
The dog's long sharp teeth glared at me as its mussel curled up in a mockery of a sneer. It circled closer and closer, every second closing the precious gap between us.
No time. My heart was pounding. My head was spinning. Now. I needed to do something now.
Too late.
The dog lunged, knocking me back with a slam. The breath shot from my lungs, and the automatic reaction to protect my face saved my throat from the fierce jaws snapping at my neck. Like an unstoppable force crashing into an immovable object, my body groaned and creaked, crashing back onto the ground in a thunderous clatter as the knife slipped from my hand. Snapping and snarling in my face, the dog pressed down, impossibly heavy. My arms burned trying to hold it back. My fingers were in its fur. Its eyes bled into mine. I could feel the foam and spit dripping down onto me, hot and wet. Kicking and snapping, its powerful raw energy knocked the breath straight from my lungs and tore at my stomach, my chest too tight. Too hard.
Turning red, I clenched every muscle, using every last ounce of my strength in a last chance effort to roll and throw the dog off.
With a yelp it rolled over, skidding to the side, and a searing pain shot through me. I tried scrambling to my feet, the pain hitting in my heart. Run. Run. My leg twisted and snapped to the side, my ankle failing. I fell back down in a crash as the dog rolled, flipping on its back, legs swimming through the air. I curled up, ripping at my hair as the fur turned to cloth and the yelp became a cry.
A foul smell choked me as tears streamed down my face. I let out a scream as crippling pain shot through me like lightning, zapping and sizzling. My ankle was broken. I could feel it. Water. Water is everywhere. Soaking into me. Drowning me. So foul.
Tristan was crying, wailing. His cries sliced at me, stabbing straight into my heart with a gut-wrenching twist. I had to protect him. I had to save him. For Father. Reaching out, I dragged myself through the sludge around me, one ankle trailing grotesquely behind me. Every movement felt like a mile; the space between us stretched out. Pain. I couldn't tell where his cries stopped and mine started.
They were coming. They were going to find us. Kill us. I could hear them now. Boots were pounding through the water. So loud. So close.
"Shhhh," I soothed, my voice choked and broken. My own sobs tore through me as I clawed closer and closer. His little arms were flailing, his cries raining down like a million knives.
"S-Shh-hhh. Shhhh. D-Don't cry. Don't cry. Shhh."
Just as my fingers grasp the edge of his blanket, I heard them around the corner. I could tell by the click of the guns behind me. Head whipping around, I was blinded. So bright. My vision swam.
Save him. I have to save him.
A hand yanked my up by my hair before I can grab him. "No!" I shout, reaching back and clawing.
"Let me go! Let me go!" I screech.
Tristan was crying. He's screaming and twisting, the sludge covering him, pulling him down. More boots slammed past, grabbing him. Dauntless. They're sneering. Their hands twisted around him, choking him, cutting off his cries. So loud. Tearing him away.
I sobbed, flailing towards him. He was counting on me. He was counting on me to save him. My baby brother. My Tristan. The grip in my hair yanked me back and a blinding white flash of pain shot through my side. Something hot and wet. Searing. Clutching my side, I reached out to Tristan's flailing little limbs. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. My heart pounding. Mind screaming. Lungs burning.
Failed.
Failed.
Failed.
I let out a blood-curling scream as I hear a deafening bang!
Jolting upright, my hands tear at my hair, an unimaginable white-hot pain ripped at my head. I could feel it. The blood pouring out of me. Everywhere. I felt the agony in every nerve. An ear-shattering howl of misery rang in my ears, echoing louder and louder. A blood-curling scream. Then I felt the scratchy burn in my throat.
It was me.
I clutched my side in tears, hyperventilating. The air wouldn't come. I couldn't breathe. The tears blurred everything, and my fingers tore at my clothes, desperate to see the wound underneath. My nails dig into my skin, scratching, clawing. It was gone. It was gone. He was gone. Another wave of terror shot through me as my cries fall silent in their pain. Clutching my head, I pulled myself into a ball.
"He's gone. He's gone. Tristan. My baby Tristan," I sobbed, the words so choked and broken they were nothing more than a pattern of moans and whimpers.
It was then that I heard it. Another sound. A sob.
My eyes shoot open in a moment of hope, and it nearly caused me to fall over the edge of the seat. A flash of grey dashed it against the rocks and something spider webbed in my chest. Edith.
The serum. It was just the serum. She was there. She was in the simulation with me. Edith was on the floor, one of the electrodes still attached to her temple, the other one ripped off as she fell. She was sobbing, big fat tears running down her face. Her entire body quaked.
Not again. Not again. I wouldn't fail again.
Reaching out blindly, my hand found her sleeve. I tumbled off the chair in a crash, but I couldn't stop. Stretching more, I found her hair, and through my own sobs I pulled her into me with a strength I didn't know I had. The pain slamming in my head was nearly too much as my hands fretted uselessly over her, touching her hair, her face, anywhere I could reach. "It-It's al-ri-right," I choke.
The door bursts open and Edith cringed deeper into me. I flinched, holding her tighter. They wouldn't take her away. Not her. Rocking back and forth, my heart bled.
Not again. Never again.
"I-I-I-I-I-I-It's," I choked, my breath hitching too much to speak. I had to gasp, pull myself in. Breathe. "It's alri-right," I whispered, touching Edith's hair. Calm. Calm.
Even as voices started to shout and cry to each other, I rocked and sobbed, our tears mixing together. We clutched each other like a lifeline. Somehow I found her hand. Our eyes locked, watery and intense, and I couldn't have looked away if I tried. We shared something now, the pain no one could ever understand.
My baby brother. My Tristan. I felt the sting too sharp and real.
"It-It-It's al-r-ri-right," I promised.
A/N: When I got the review about the last chapter being intense, I kind of laughed - no offense intended at all, JustCallMeWhatever - because I couldn't help but wonder what you would think about this chapter. I guess I'm a dramatic writer, haha.
For those of you wondering when Eric will be coming in, don't worry. It will be soon. Promise. You'll be seeing a lot of him in the future. I wanted to take my time with Ayriana's character development. Hopefully you all enjoyed my own little spin on the Aptitude Test.
Please don't be shy :)