A/N: Sorry it took me so long again to update! I will try to be better again. Thank you Steph for being such an amazingly fast and reliable beta though!
Oh and special thanks to my precious mangoes. Especially B and K who gave me lots of great ideas for this chapter (and also future chapters). Heart you my honeys.
Santana had decided that watching Wild Hogs on the couch with Brittany was definitely as good as going on a biker tour herself, maybe even better. And she didn't even like the movie. She hated silly slapstick comedies, especially if they were based on the lives of a bunch of men that were old enough to be her dad. But Brittany was having fun and she looked stunning. Too stunning for Santana to take her eyes off of her.
As much as she had been trying to deny it, the wish to be close to her ex had become so much stronger in the past days. It became too hard to ignore it. Impossible.
The thought of Amber and their awkward conversation was still occupying Santana's thoughts and she had no idea how to proceed. Should she tell Brittany? Should she warn her? Make a hint? Keep her mouth shut? Tell Brittany to fix things with Amber?
Her best friend was stuffing some tortilla chips into her mouth, making an adorable snorting noise at one of John Travolta's jokes, when Santana finally cleared her throat.
"Brit?"
"Hm?" Brittany answered friendly, holding her bowl of chips out to Santana. "I'm so sorry, I've totally kept them all to myself, so rude."
Santana had to smile. "Thanks, I'm not hungry. I was just... I was wondering if you talked to Amber today...?"
Brittany's hand froze before she could put another one of the salty snacks into her mouth. "No... why?"
Santana looked away, absentmindedly ripping the coke label off the bottle in front of her. "I just wanted to know if you two were okay."
Brittany frowned. "Why wouldn't we be?"
'Because she calls your friends behind your back and acts like a mistrusting bitch' Santana answered in her head, biting her lower lip to keep herself from speaking the words out loud.
"Because I think... I ... "
The coke label was ripped into a million tiny pieces by now.
"I just don't want you to get in trouble for spending so much time with me. I mean, I love it when you're around, but not if it means it'll cause you problems."
The frown on Brittany's forehead only deepened and she put the bowl on the table to move a little closer to Santana.
"San, why would you think that? She's okay with me being here, she knows we're just friends."
"Oh, does she?" Santana hissed a little angrier than intended, her brown eyes getting a bit of their old furious sparkle back. "I wouldn't be too sure..."
Damn, this wasn't how she had wanted to have this conversation. She didn't want to be the one telling Brittany about the call. She had hoped Amber had been brave enough by now to have an honest talk with her girlfriend.
"Where is this coming from, Santana?" Brittany asked, her voice serious now.
Santana sighed. "It's not my job to tell you. I didn't want to start this now... I ..."
"Did she call you?" Brittany blurted out, her eyelids blinking rapidly.
Great. She had told herself no more lies. She had to be honest with her.
"Yeah... but before you start questioning me - I think you should talk it out with her and not me. All I can say is that she seems pretty insecure and... yeah, a little jealous."
'Very fucking jealous and completely insecure' Santana corrected herself in her head. But this was Brittany. She didn't want to tell her any details that might hurt her. She couldn't do it. If Amber and she were about to break up, then she was not going to be the one to make that happen.
Brittany was looking down on her lap now, her previous excitement about the movie disappeared. Santana wanted to kick herself.
"I understand if you want to leave..." Santana started carefully but Brittany raised her head, a pleading look on her face.
"Honestly, San... I don't think I want to handle this tonight. With her I mean." She sighed. "I'm just so so sorry that she called you. She shouldn't have done that. None of this is your fault, that's totally inappropriate..."
"Brit, it's okay -"
"No, it's not." Brittany interrupted her. "It's not okay that she dragged you into this. And I will handle it of course... but I've honestly had enough ups and downs today, I kind of just want some quiet."
"Of course."
Brittany looked around the room, then back at Santana. The light of the television was throwing colorful shadows on their faces, neither of them listening to the movie anymore.
"I, umm..."
"Mh?"
"Would it be okay if I stayed here tonight?" Brittany asked carefully and Santana felt her heart skip a beat.
"I mean, not in your bed of course, on the couch..." she continued. "I don't want to see Amber but I don't wanna go home alone either... I can't stand the thought of being alone at the moment."
Santana nodded, a smile tugging on her lips.
"Of course you can stay Brit, always. And you can have the bed, I can sleep here, I don't mind."
Brittany shook her head, vehemently. "No way. I'll take the couch, I like it."
Santana smiled but remained quiet, knowing that Brittany wouldn't accept any other answer right now.
"Let me get you something to sleep in" she said, not able to hide the fact that Brittany spending the night was bringing a happy shade of pink to her cheeks. She knew the circumstances were sad, she knew Brittany was scared of being alone and probably scared of facing her girlfriend, but still the thought filled Santana with happy excitement.
Santana had to admit she was sort of relieved Brittany had decided to change in the bathroom and not right in front of her.
She would have told her that her blue toothbrush was still lying in the drawer under the sink but it made her feel silly so she offered her a new one. A yellow one.
While Brittany was getting ready, Santana prepared the couch for her, getting her biggest pillow out of the bedroom to put it on the sofa with a fluffy blanket. She put a bottle of water next to it on the table in case Brittany got thirsty and closed the curtains so the sunlight wouldn't wake her too early.
Santana smiled when Brittany returned, taking in the sight of her ex without makeup, her rosy skin, her hair held up in a ponytail, wearing her clothes. Brittany had worn Santana's clothes countless times but it had been so long since she'd last seen her like that.
"Tell me if you need anything, okay?" Santana told her, about to head to the bedroom.
"San?"
"Yes?"
"Would you stay until... until I've fallen asleep?"
Santana swallowed.
"Yes. Of course."
Brittany smiled, her blue eyes looking tired but thankful. She snuggled up on the couch, dragging the blanket up to her chin as she buried her face in the huge pillow.
"Mmmhhh..." she sighed. "Good night, Santana."
"Night, Brit-Brit."
It didn't take long for Brittany to fall asleep, Santana could tell by the sound of her friend's even breathing, but she didn't want to get up just yet.
Brittany looked so peaceful and beautiful.
Santana's mind traveled back to the events of the day, back to the book, the list... She couldn't imagine a better time to get inspired about what she wanted the rest of her life to look like than now, with Brittany sleeping right next to her.
She sat down in the armchair right by her side, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen and started thinking, her eyes never leaving the sleeping woman. Then she started writing.
xxxxxx
Brittany woke up to the smell of fresh coffee in her nose. She opened her eyes, slowly adjusting to the light in the room. It took her a minute to realize where she was, finally taking in the unfamiliar, yet so familiar surroundings.
"Morning..." she mumbled, smiling as she spotted Santana in the kitchen, putting some croissants in the oven.
"Morning sleepy head" Santana laughed, walking over to her. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah I did" Brittany replied honestly. In fact, it was the first morning since she had found out about Santana's disease that she truly felt rested. "You?"
"Yup. I... I made a list last night."
Brittany immediately felt wide awake, sitting up and dropping the blanket to the floor.
"Awesome, let me see it!"
"I'll show you over breakfast" Santana told her, heading back to the kitchen counter to squeeze a few oranges.
It was unusual for Santana to prepare breakfast. In all those years they had been dating, Santana had always been the one to sleep long and hide in bed until Brittany would finally wake her up and drag her to the breakfast table. Still she couldn't deny that she liked waking up like that, to a domestic Santana in the kitchen.
Brittany got up, turning on the radio to have some music in the background. She liked the song that was playing and couldn't stop herself from dancing into the kitchen - music always had that effect on her.
"So, when did you get up? You look so fresh and showered and... awake" Brittany grinned.
"A little while" Santana stated smiling, putting the remaining few items on the table as she motioned Brittany to take a seat.
"Three sugars?"
"Yes, please" Brittany nodded as Santana poured the coffee into her mug.
Santana finally sat down across from her, bringing the steaming croissants with her that filled the room with a smell of freshly baked dough. A perfect start to a ... probably not so perfect day. Brittany would worry about that later.
"Here..." Santana said proudly as she shoved a piece of paper over to Brittany, sipping on her coffee.
Brittany took the list, smiling, excited to see what her friend had come up with the previous night. She scanned each point on the little paper and... couldn't help but frown.
She read it again. And another time. But the disappointment was clearly displaying on her features.
"What?" Santana wanted to know, raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing... Just... is that really what you want to do before.. I mean... these are your dreams?"
"What's wrong with them?" Santana asked, her voice not as happy as before.
"I don't know... I mean... Do yoga? Buy a new car?"
"My car is old. I've only ever bought used cars. I want something with all extras..."
Brittany cleared her throat before continuing.
"Tidy the spare room and put up new wallpaper... visit the Lima Fire Fighters Memorial Museum... eat the veggie lasagna at Breadstix..." she mumbled, shaking her head with every word that came out of her mouth.
"Find an airport on Mapcrunch?" Brittany asked hopeful, looking at Santana. "That sounds like decent fun, you wanna fly somewhere?"
"No, it's a web page that drops you off at random places on Google Maps and you have to try to find an airport... it's a challenge!"
Brittany stared at her.
"What? I've had a lot of free time on my hands in the past year..." Santana defended herself, shrugging.
"I don't know, San..." Brittany started, her voice almost sad.
"You changed your mind? You don't wanna do this anymore?" Santana asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"Of course I do... I just think it's... I don't know... I thought you had more... well... exciting things in mind."
"I think they are exciting and it's what I wanna do."
"Okay" Brittany gave in. "Then we'll do them."
She put the list aside and took her phone out of her pocket, texting Amber as both of them were finishing their breakfast in quiet.
"I'm gonna try to meet up with her soon so she and I can talk things out."
"That sounds like a good plan" Santana agreed, getting up to start cleaning the breakfast table. "You wanna take a shower first?"
"Yeah. Can I borrow a top?" Brittany asked, not really wanting to get back into her biker clothes. Especially not when she was about to meet her girlfriend.
"Sure thing, you know where the closet is, pick whatever you like."
Brittany nodded and smiled, heading to the bathroom to get ready.
Her head felt empty as she was standing in the shower, letting the hot water rain down on her body. Amber had texted back, had told her to come over to her place whenever she had time. Brittany didn't know what she should expect of the meeting, didn't know if she should mention Amber's call right away, didn't know how much energy she was going to be able to put into this conversation. Her mind was still trying to imagine the next weeks, wondering if all she was going to do with Santana would be to learn how to knit or to spend money on useless items that she knew Santana neither really wanted nor needed. These were going to be her last months with her best friend, their last chance to make things as good as possible for her, but it seemed as if Santana had already given up. As if she saw herself as this sick person who had accepted to wait quietly for her last day.
She turned around so the water was splashing on her face, pressing her eyes shut to keep herself from crying. She was standing there until her skin turned wrinkly, the feeling in her stomach telling her that her body didn't feel ready to leave and face another disappointing conversation with a woman that meant a lot to her.
When she was finally dressed, Brittany walked back into the living room where Santana had started cleaning. She wondered if this was a way for her friend to distract herself. Santana, who had always been a very chaotic person with her clothes thrown all over the furniture and huge piles of dirty dishes next to the sink, now seemed to be determined to have everything in perfect order. Maybe she needed it, this kind of clarity in her otherwise dark reality.
"Want me to bring that down for you on my way out?" Brittany asked, pointing at the big garbage bag Santana was tying up.
"That'd be nice, thanks" her friend replied, giving her a half smile as she was looking at the shirt Brittany was wearing.
"You picked that out for me, remember? It was the day when - "
"...when we wanted to visit Quinn and I accidentally spilled my milkshake on your top at McDonald's" Brittany finished for her.
"Yeah."
They smiled at each other for a moment before Brittany came a step closer to hug Santana.
"I'll let you know how it goes" Brittany stated and Santana nodded.
"Good luck."
Brittany took the garbage bag and headed out the door, walking down the steps of the hallway.
Mrs. McPherson was cleaning the stairs with a wet mop, glaring at Brittany as if she were ruining all of the woman's work with her dirty shoes.
Brittany was about to greet her when she suddenly lost her balance on the slippery floor, letting out a muffled scream as she fell down the last two steps. The garbage bag went flying through the air in slow-motion, landing on the floor with a loud thud. The plastic ripped open and the whole content was spilled all over the hallway.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Mrs. McPherson yelled angrily, not bothering to ask if Brittany had hurt herself.
"You better clean that up!"
Brittany cringed, moaning a little as she rubbed her back which hurt pretty badly from the fall.
"I'm sorry..." she mumbled, immediately trying to collect the empty yoghurt cups and banana peels that were filling the air with a slightly rotten smell.
"Typical... always trouble... always the same..." the elderly lady muttered barely understandable.
Brittany rolled her eyes, not really sure how to get the trash back into the broken bag, let alone carry all of it outside to the garbage bin. Just as she was almost done, something caught her attention. It was a piece of paper with Santana's hand writing. That alone wouldn't have been too unusual, but she could make out the word 'motorcycle' on top, having a vague idea what she was looking at. She straightened the paper which was ripped in half and felt a lump in her throat. The original bucket list.
She didn't have time to read what else was written on the paper as Mrs McPherson gave her an impatient look, nervously tapping her foot on the floor. There had to be a second half. Where was the second half?
Brittany's heart was beating faster and she didn't dare look at her ex-neighbor as she spontaneously emptied the whole garbage bag on the floor to dig in it for the second part of the list.
"What on earth do you think you're doing?" the woman shrieked, her face red.
"Mrs McPherson, please, go back inside and feed your goldfish. I promise you I will clean everything up and tonight when I'm back I'm gonna scrub the whole hallway. Twice. So clean that you'll be able to eat off of it. Just please, leave me alone for a minute."
"Unbelievable. Un-be-lievable. Rude" the woman kept repeating and Brittany let out a relieved sigh when she finally heard the door to the apartment slam shut with a loud bang.
Brittany knew she would smell like trash once she arrived at Amber's place but she couldn't care less. She kept digging and searching until she found what she was looking for, not able to hold back a loud "thank god!" as she finally held the second piece of paper in her hands.
She held it next to the other one, just to be sure that it was the right one, and quickly stuffed both halves into her jeans pocket. She had no idea why there would be a second list, she had no idea why Santana had ripped this one in two and thrown it away, but something told her that it was important.
Maybe something like fate really existed. Maybe someone wanted her to find it.
Xxxxxxxxx
"New shirt?"
The look on Amber's face was cold as she greeted her and Brittany didn't miss the tone in her girlfriend's question.
Silence.
"It's okay, I know it's hers" Amber told her, shrugging.
Brittany sighed.
"Feels like we haven't talked in a while..." she started, not able to hide the insecurity in her voice.
"Well, you were pretty busy..." Amber said slowly, sitting down at the dining room table.
"You were the one who left early yesterday morning, Ams. It was pretty obvious you didn't wanna talk to me."
"Would have made no sense to talk to you about our relationship right before you take Santana to her doctor's appointment" Amber stated and Brittany nodded. "That's obviously more important..."
"Yeah it kind of is..." Brittany replied, frowning. What was she implying here? Was that sarcasm in her voice? Brittany couldn't really tell but it did piss her off. And it pissed her off even more that Amber would call Santana after such an obviously important and possibly life altering appointment.
"Didn't say anything else."
"Yeah."
They were staring at each other and the unusual coldness between them scared Brittany. Amber was such a warm and caring person. What had happened?
"I know that you called her, Amber."
Amber let out an ironic laugh.
"Of course you do. Of course she would tell you. Why am I not surprised?"
"I sensed it and I made her tell me, this is not her fault."
"Yeah, I get that you defend her."
"Oh my god" Brittany let out, shaking her head. "How can you turn this around now? It was a coward's move to call her. What did you even tell her?"
"I'm sure she already told you all the details, Brit, so don't play stupid."
Brittany's eyes widened at the other woman's words and she felt herself tear up.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that..." Amber quickly apologized.
"Okay, then what did you tell her?" Brittany whispered, pulling at the sleeves of her shirt.
"I asked her if she's still in love with you, Brit."
Brittany felt her heart pound faster in her chest.
"And what did she say?"
The words had come out faster than intended, more hopeful than intended. She realized how she must have sounded, but it was too late to take it back.
"She hung up. And I don't blame her. It was pretty fucked up to ask her that."
"It was. God, Ams, she had a totally awful morning, the doctors told her again that there was nothing else they could do for her... and you call her and make her feel guilty for something that is absolutely not her fault?"
"I'm sorry okay? Geez, I'm fucking sorry but I fucking love you, Brittany. This is messed up. I didn't mean to. You know me. Fuck, you know me and you know that I don't want to hurt anyone. But losing you? It hurts. It just hurts."
"But you're not losing me Amber, how many times do I have to tell you that?" Brittany blurted out, shocked by the tears in her girlfriend's eyes. She wasn't sure that she had ever seen her cry before.
"I already have."
Brittany gave her a puzzled look when she suddenly spotted the box on the floor behind Amber. She couldn't make out much, just a few shirts she was sure she had seen in her own bathroom a few days before.
"What's this?" she whispered, pointing at it.
"Stuff..." Amber breathed out, holding back a sob.
"Are you..." she swallowed. "...are you breaking up with me?"
Amber was looking at her, silent, tears rolling down her cheeks. She reached for her bag to get out her keys, removing one of them from its keyring and shoving it over the table. The key to Brittany's door.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am." Her voice was shaky but soft. "But I'm only doing what you're too afraid to do."
"But that's not true!" Brittany half yelled, not willing to take the key. "It's not. No!" Her head felt hot. She didn't want to let her do this. How could she do this?
"Brit..." Amber started, trying to smile. "I lost against her the moment you saw her again. I know that. And the thing is that this has nothing to do with the fact that she's sick. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're scared of losing her and want to spend her last months with her..."
She reached out to take Brittany's hand and Brittany grabbed it, not wanting to let go. Not wanting to be alone.
"...it's about the fact that she's your true love. And I am number two. I've always been number two."
Brittany shook her head, trying to protest, but no words came out.
"Even before you met her again, she was always going to be the one for you, Brit. I understand that now. And ... and call me selfish, but I want to be number one for someone."
Amber was smiling sadly, wiping away a tear.
"I would love for you to love me the way I love you... but you don't. At least not as strongly... And I'm going to let you go."
The words felt like a knife in Brittany's chest. She quickly pulled her own hand away from Amber's, crossing her arms in front of her chest protectively. Should she fight for her? Would it make sense to fight? Would it be unfair towards Amber to make her change her mind? She didn't know.
"So... are we gonna stop talking now? Completely? You'll never call me again?" Brittany asked, desperation in her voice as she was trying to hold back a sob.
"I don't know, Brit... I'm sorry... it's just... I don't think I can do this... as much as I want to... and I want to support you as a friend because I know all this is rough for you, but..."
It was obvious that words had left her, but it was just as obvious what Amber was trying to say: "I can't."
Brittany suddenly knew she was going to be alone. She knew she couldn't hold it against Amber, she couldn't expect her to be more understanding... and fuck, of course she was right, of course she loved Santana more than anyone else in this world... and it was probably selfish to expect Amber to accept this and stick around... But she didn't want any of this. She hadn't planned this. She hadn't expected to fall back in love with her ex. She hadn't expected to want a future with the one person it was impossible to have a future with.
Images of the upcoming years were flashing in front of her eyes. Years without Santana and without Amber. And it scared the shit out of her.
"Okay" Brittany finally whispered. It was all there was left to say.
She took the key, wordlessly, and removed her own key to Amber's apartment from her keyring as she was getting up from the table.
"I... uh... here's a bag for you. With... some of your stuff that was still lying around here. If I still find anything else I will send it to you of course."
Brittany nodded, the tears blurrying her vision.
Amber walked around the table, obviously unsure how to say goodbye as they were awkwardly standing in front of each other. Then she took a step forward, wrapping her arms around Brittany.
Brittany's body stiffened and she didn't move a muscle while Amber pressed her body close against hers.
"I'm sorry..." she whispered into the fabric of Brittany's shirt and Brittany closed her eyes, feeling entirely lost.
She turned around on her heel, not willing to look into the other woman's eyes again before walking out the door.
The weight of Amber's bag felt so heavy in her hands, as if it were about to slip out of her fingers.
It seemed to have become a theme. Everything was about to slip out of her hands. And there wasn't much she could do about it.
Xxxxxxxx
The apartment felt empty when she stepped inside. Brittany had no idea what to do with herself, suppressing her tears with everything she had. She had cried too much in these past weeks.
Amber had been the one to make her smile again after her breakup with Santana. She had been the first person to make her feel loved again, to make her feel safe when she had been so lost.
And now here she was, having lost another person that had meant so much to her.
Her head was throbbing and she popped in two painkillers, drowning them with a glass of water as she sat down on the couch.
What was she supposed to do? She couldn't go to work to distract herself since she had quit in order to take care of her friend. To do a bunch of things on a list that she knew meant nothing to Santana...
The list.
Her heart started beating faster when she remembered what was still waiting for her in her jeans pocket.
She had completely forgotten about it over all this emotional turmoil with Amber.
Brittany carefully pulled the two pieces out of her pocket, feeling nervous as she impatiently searched for some scotch tape to glue the list together that was still smelling like the garbage in which it had been waiting for her to find it.
The paper was dirty, but the words were still readable.
N°1: Own a motorcycle – Check.
Underneath were several more points and Brittany slowly started reading, imagining Santana's face as she wrote down all of her ideas in the previous night.
Design my own tattoo
Feed a koala
Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue
Brittany had to laugh.
Paint my front door red
Be in two places at once
Spend the night at an aquarium
Get a pink Christmas tree
She felt her heart grow a little warmer. Those things were cute. Somehow it was so unlike Santana to have such adorable wishes, somehow it fitted her perfectly. Somehow they sounded like things she herself would put on her bucket list as well.
Steal a school bus
Have sex in a hammock between palm trees
"Oh dear, San..." Brittany laughed, shaking her head to herself.
Own a tiger
See the New York Jets win the Superbowl
Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne
Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish
Brittany was still smiling, though she didn't quite understand why Santana would possibly rip this list in two and replace it with the most boring bucket list imaginable. Sure, a few wishes would be harder to realize than others, but they would try. Why not accept a little challenge?
She kept reading, suddenly feeling a knot in her chest.
Swim with a gay shark
Kiss underneath a rainbow
Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower
Those were dreams they used to have together, weren't they?
See the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter with the woman I love
Brittany swallowed.
Go to Machu Picchu
Have a girls' night out with the Unholy Trinity
She felt herself tear up. To anyone else this list would probably seem insignificant, but Brittany knew what it meant. She knew what every single word meant... and she knew how alone Santana must have been feeling. She knew she wanted to see Quinn again before she died. She knew she wanted to do all these romantic things and probably felt silly asking for them. Brittany wished she could hug Santana right this second.
Apologize to my parents
Talk to my grandmother one more time
Brittany's thumb was running along the paper and she could see it was wavy at some spots where the ink was slightly smeared. She knew tears must have fallen on it and she was doing her best not to add any of her own.
She could see there was supposed to be one more point. It started with a "B" but then Santana must have stopped writing.
B? What did she want to say?
Whatever it was, it was probably what had made her rip the list in the end. It was probably the final wish that Santana knew she didn't want to ask of her.
Part of her felt mad. Maybe not mad. Sad. Sad that Santana would have kept this from her. That she would have decided to go through with those entirely unimportant wishes just because she was too proud or too embarrassed to admit what she really wanted.
Brittany shook her head, not letting go of the piece of paper in her hands that suddenly meant the world to her.
"No..." she mumbled.
"No, Santana Lopez... I won't let you get away that easily..."
And with that she was out of the apartment.
Xxxxxxxxx
Santana's eyes widened at the sound of someone hammering against her door.
"Open!" she heard a familiar voice yell from outside. She frowned.
"Brit?" she asked confused, opening the door to let her friend storm inside.
"What's wrong?" Santana asked, worried. "Did something happen?"
"Yes. Yes, something happened" Brittany told her, out of breath.
Santana had to raise an eyebrow at the sight of Brittany's dirty clothes.
"Somehow you always manage to ruin my shirts, don't you?" she stated, trying to hold back a grin. "What did you fall into?"
"I fell into your garbage, Santana."
"Um...okay...?" Santana replied slowly, wondering what this was all about. "And what did Amber say...?"
"We talk about that later" Brittany stated.
"All right... what else do you want to talk about?"
Santana couldn't help but feel a little worried, not able to analyze the expression on Brittany's face. She looked a little stressed out and also a little... angry? Did Amber say anything to her? Had she done something wrong? She couldn't think of anything.
"I want to talk about why you're acting so stupid, Santana."
"Excuse me?" Santana blurted out, not understanding the world anymore. "What on earth did I do?"
Brittany didn't say anything, just put the list on the table, forcefully.
"Oh my god... how did you..." Santana stuttered, shaking her head. She felt the heat rise in her body, felt her cheeks turn red. This couldn't be true. This was scary. How high were the chances of Brittany finding it? Next to nothing!
"It doesn't really matter how, San. What matters is that you would rather visit a Fire Fighter Memorial museum with me than do the things that are really important to you. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I don't know, what was I thinking?" Santana hissed, looking away.
"This was just a silly first draft, Brit. Silly things that can't come true anyways. I wasn't thinking straight."
"You obviously weren't when you decided to rip this thing and throw it away" Brittany concluded, her voice still upset.
"You weren't supposed to see this..." Santana murmured and Brittany put her hand on her hip, a challenging look on her face.
"I wasn't supposed to see what you really want your life to look like, Santana? I wasn't supposed to see what you feel? I wasn't supposed to see what would make you happy? Explain that logic to me please... but oh wait, don't! Cause it's the same logic you used when you decided to break up with me and not tell me that you're sick. It's the same damn logic and I thought we were past this..."
Santana couldn't help but feel guilty. But what was she supposed to tell her? Was she supposed to tell her that basically every point on that list was missing a "...with you" at the end? Let go of a floating lantern and make a wish with you? Wish that we'll be together forever? Paint my front door red because it's what your favorite couple on One Tree Hill did and I thought I'd do the same for you? Kiss you in front of the Eiffel Tower? Spend the night at an aquarium with you? Get a pink Christmas tree because you always wanted one and I never allowed it? The list basically screamed "Be with me!" Oh screw this, she didn't want to cry again.
"I'm sorry..." Santana said instead.
Brittany took a step closer.
"Santana..." she whispered, taking her hand.
"Don't think I don't understand what it means. Because I do. And I want all of this. I wanna do all of this with you..." she smiled. "...even if some of those things are illegal, I think..."
A smile was tugging on Santana's lips.
"A few of those points are impossible though..."
"Nothing is impossible" Brittany corrected her, shaking her head. "We'll make it possible."
With that she let a bag drop on the table.
"What's this?" Santana asked carefully, peeking inside. What she saw made her laugh.
Cherries.
"Oh dear..." Santana mumbled, putting the little red fruit on a plate.
"It was the only thing I could still make possible tonight..." Brittany explained. "It can't be that hard, can it?" she added grinning.
Santana shook her head. "We better start trying."
xxxxxxxxxx
Three hours later both of them were sitting on the floor, surrounded by cherry pits, their bellies hurting from all the laughter and all the fruits.
"Look! It totally counts!" Santana insisted, holding up a rather pathetic looking 'knot' in the stem.
"Yeah, I think that's … okay" Brittany cleared her throat, still chuckling.
"Oh screw this, I'm sure my tongue's gonna hurt in the morning. It's not used to that much action anymore..." Santana added with a wink.
Brittany was looking at her and Santana thought she could see her blush. She looked adorable.
Somehow her legs had ended up on Brittany's lap during the whole cherry debacle and she felt a sudden wave of heat rush through her body. Brittany made her so happy... and she still didn't know what had gone down with Amber today.
"So... are you gonna tell me what happened today?" Santana asked her, carefully.
Brittany looked down on her lap, her hands resting on Santana's jeans.
"It's over..." she said slowly and Santana was glad she was done eating cherries or she probably would have choked on one of the pits.
"Over? Oh my god... Brit, I am so sorry... I don't know what to say... Are you okay?"
She wasn't sorry that Amber was gone. She wasn't sorry that Brittany wasn't going to sleep with another woman every night anymore... but she was sorry for her. She didn't want her to hurt. It was the last thing she wanted.
Brittany was looking at her and she could see the sadness in her eyes.
"I'm okay as long as I'm with you..." Brittany admitted honestly and Santana had to close her eyes at those words.
"I'll be okay as long as I have you... But I don't know what will happen after that."
Santana swallowed. It would always be like this, wouldn't it? These extreme mood swings? From lying on the floor, laughing, to lying on the floor, crying?
She could feel Brittany's hand lying heavily on her leg. She could feel her eyes drilling into her. She didn't know what to do. She knew what she wanted to do, but it wasn't right to do it, was it? Not right after their breakup.
They were staring at each other and Santana felt the tension in every fiber of her body. All she needed to do was lean over. They were already so close. All it took were a few inches and she would feel her.
Her eyes were lingering on Brittany's eyes, then on her lips, then quickly on her eyes again. She thought she could see her swallow. Could feel her hand move slightly over her jeans. It made her shiver.
"I'm always here for you, you know that right? As long as I can..." Santana whispered.
"Yes... I know. It's one of the few things I know for sure."
Brittany was squeezing Santana's leg, smiling at her, when suddenly someone started knocking at the door.
"What the fuck..." Santana murmured, looking at Brittany questioningly. "That's not Amber, is it?"
"God no, I doubt it" Brittany replied frowning, both of them quickly getting up.
Santana moved over to the door, opening it to see who the annoying intruder was.
"Mrs McPherson!" she asked, confused. "What are you doing here?"
"Where is your girlfriend?" the elderly woman asked angrily.
"I don't have a g-"
"I'm here..." Brittany interrupted her, softly pushing Santana aside.
"You said you would scrub the hallway! You promised me! And look at it, it's still a complete mess! I am not going to clean up those disgusting pudding stains and whatever else you left there, Brittany. I am not your cleaning lady!"
Brittany sighed, giving Santana an apologetic look.
"I'll be right back, okay?"
Santana nodded, smiling sympathetically as she was stroking Brittany's arm. "Okay. Do you need help?"
"No, I've got it. But I expect to find a perfect knot when I come back" she told her with a wink.
Santana had to laugh, closing the door behind Brittany and examining the mess on the living room floor. This was why she loved her. She missed it. The chaos.
She walked over to the table, looking at the rather battered looking list before taking a pen and the Polaroid camera.
She smiled as she took a picture of the little knot, shaking it until the image showed up. She glued it into her book, carefully, before writing another number next to it.
N°2: Learn to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue – Check.
xxxxx