Author's Note: I called this chapter desolate, because I thought it fit totally and completely. Here's a definition from : (Oh, and PLEASE review this chapter!!!)
des-o-late /adj. ˈdɛsəlɪt; v. ˈdɛsəˌleɪt/ [adj. des-uh-lit; v. des-uh-leyt] adjective, verb, -lat⋅ed, -lat⋅ing.
–adjective 1.barren or laid waste; devastated: a treeless, desolate landscape. 2.deprived or destitute of inhabitants; deserted; uninhabited.3.solitary; lonely: a desolate place. 4.having the feeling of being abandoned by friends or by hope; forlorn.5.dreary; dismal; gloomy: desolate prospects.
–verb (used with object) 6.to lay waste; devastate.7.to deprive of inhabitants; depopulate.8.to make disconsolate.9.to forsake or abandon.
Origin:
1325–75; ME L dēsōlātus forsaken, ptp. of dēsōlāre, equiv. to dē + sōlāre to make lonely, deriv. of sōlus.
des-o-late-ly, adverb
des-o-late-ness, noun
des-o-lat-er, des-o-la-tor, noun
Synonyms:
1. ravaged. 2. desert. 4. lonesome, lost; miserable, wretched, woebegone, woeful, inconsolable, cheerless, hopeless. Desolate, disconsolate, forlorn suggest one who is in a sad and wretched condition. The desolate person is deprived of human consolation, relationships, or presence: desolate and despairing. The disconsolate person is aware of the efforts of others to console and comfort, but is unable to be relieved or cheered by them: She remained disconsolate even in the midst of friends. The forlorn person is lost, deserted, or forsaken by friends: wretched and forlorn in a strange city. 6. ravage, ruin. 8. sadden, depress. 9. desert.
I dashed out the last door and into the now-pouring rain.
It was almost like the storm was my heart; the thunder an echo of the sobs that shook my body. The rain was the tears streaming down my face. The lightening was the shock - the shock of another unexpected disappointment. It was the pain that went a long with such a shock.
Myra too.
Myra, Mandy, Ella,...
Nathaniel.
I finally lost it.
I couldn't contain my tears, my screams, my crying anymore. My breathing wasn't breathing - it was wild gasping. I was gasping as I would if I were drowning and my nose was barely above the choppy surface. I was drowning in an ocean. A rip tide was pulling me under. The waves were crushing me from above.
I was running - running nowhere in particular, running just to run in the dark of the night and pouring rain.
The thunder was a constant rumble and the lightening lit up the sky for minutes at a time (There was so much of it so close together).
And then the wind.
And the chill.
Nathaniel.
Nathaniel!
I screamed my agony to the world, and no one heard me over the howling wind.
The chill, the wind, the storm reflected exactly how I felt.
The wind was my change in thoughts, the bone-deep chill was how cold I felt inside.
I started to scream Nathaniel's name.
Over and over, new pain each time.
I was submerged in acid now. It was eating away at my insides, and burning with agonistic speed.
New York's structures should have blocked the wind - so it must have been very strong, because it whirled my sopping-wet hair around my face so that I couldn't see anything.
I could feel the cold seeping through me until it found my bones and was able to freeze me from the inside out.
Nathaniel!
I moaned.
It was torture - to know that I was never going to see him again, no matter how much I wanted to.
I couldn't go back.
Before, I'd thought I would be able to do this. To be separated from him for his sake. I'd left for him. I had done it.
Now I wished with all my heart that I could reverse it.
But I couldn't.
It was getting hard to breath.
Selfish pig! something in my subconcious mind shouted at me, you're being selfish!
I laughed.
I screamed.
I did both at the same time.
I wanted to be selfish.
There was nothing I wanted more than to be selfish.
I wanted to be the most selfish being that ever exsisted in any world.
I didn't care.
I didn't care about anything.
I just wanted to be selfish.
Was that too much to ask???
Why couldn't I be selfish?!?
I couldn't.
Not the way I wanted to be.
I couldn't.
I'd never see Nathaniel again.
Never.
Ever.
I started to choke.
I'd been breathing in and out so fast that now there was a bubble in chest - a bubble that had the air I needed, a bubble that wouldn't pop.
I tripped over something and didn't bother to get up again.
I barely noticed the sting where I'd skinned myself, didn't register the blood.
Maybe it'd be for the best if I never got up and no one ever found me.
Nobody cared if I lived or died.
Not one soul.
I didn't even deserve their care.
I deserved to die.
I should die.
I could die...
...or I could be selfish.
I couldn't be selfish like I wanted to be, but I still could be - in other ways.
I could find my parents and be a burden on them again. That was selfish. They didn't want or deserve me around, taking up money and time.
I could find Myra and be a burden on her. But that would be too selfish. What had she done to deserve a monster like me in her life? She'd just gotten rid of me.
I half-laughed, half-screamed again.
I was a selfish being.
I wanted to be.
Why should I care about what happened to other people because of me?
Hadn't I done enough?
I'd permanatly separated myself from Nathaniel and now I could never go back, and it would all benefit him.
I was out of his life now.
A very tiny voice in my head wondered if he missed me.
I squashed it out angrily.
Of course he wouldn't.
He shouldn't.
If he did, it would be my fault.
I could go to Myra.
I could be the selfish person I wanted so desperately to be.
...almost.
But I didn't want to.
I wanted to be the height of selfishness and see Nathaniel.
I wanted to be with him forever.
That's the way I wanted to be selfish.
But I couldn't.
He was beyond my reach.
He was gone.
And now I had no one.
My chest throbbed painfully, whether from lack of air or lack of Nathaniel, I couldn't be sure.
I felt my conciousness ebb, felt the pull and darkness tug on the corners of my hazy vision.
I welcomed it.
It was painless.
I dove into it gladly and felt it overcome me felt it envelope and engulf me.
I was grateful for it.
I didn't want to think, didn't want to feel anymore.
I was last aware of feeling the deep, comforting blackness starting to stomp out the small light that was all that remained of my conciousness...