Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus: I know many people will all be genuinely confused when they first see this, so I'll get this out of the way for everyone reading this very heavily updated 1st chapter that is truly nothing at all like it used to be: this hugely evolved thing started off its bizarre like as an ancient fanfiction brought back up again because Ike got a noticeable facelift, and several circumstances have changed vastly over time since his original inclusion. Also, while I still don't care all that much relatively for Fire Emblem depending on how I'm feeling, I actually do like Ike now. So let it be said of my much younger self being... well let's just put it as stupidly naive. Enjoy!
Original Yoshizilla Donut Steel: I actually like the fact that we got a brand new character for Super Smash Brothers Brawl, but for the fact that I don't play Fire Emblem (and the obvious fact that I don't own Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, the game that the new character's from) and that I don't like the new character, Ike, at all, I decided to write this quirky and random one-shot. It's the first fanfic to have Ike in it, and albeit, I'll be expecting flames of people who like him, because this was but no longer will be an Ike-bashing fanfic. Well if you can somehow, please enjoy the story folks.
It 'twas a beautiful August day in Nintendo City, with July having just ended in quite a way. All of the random civilians that no one gives a hoot about were living their lives. So were the Super Smash Brothers, who were about to get a newcomer to their holly, jolly mansion...
...of course they hadn't realize that things were going to not be the same for this was always a case whenever there was even 1 remotely new thing introduced; and they were going to find out the hard way.
"Something tells me that my intro to this place won't be quite so quaint." Ike murmured while taking a good look at himself in the mirror, his hands firmly on his hip while nodding his head about. "I have this feeling I won't act like myself."
"I'm sensing it to be the case. We might all be getting this treatment." Lucario pointed out while doing some meditating concentration. "I always get this feeling whenever something stupid happens."
"Of course you would say that." Wolf scoffed. "This bullshit always ends up happening to us whenever we get invited here."
Suddenly a certain floating glove popped in and snatched up the handsome Fire Emblem swordsman, leaving the others to sit around and wonder what would happen to them.
"Eep... is he going to be okay?" Lucas whimpered. "I feel like there's a lot of bad things coming. I don't think I can take it-"
"Agh just shut up!" Toon Link snapped while trying to slash against the various sandbags planted around the room. "I can't think with you whining over there! Just zip it!"
"...not exactly how I would go about with it." Diddy Kong interjected until he slipped on his own banana peel. "...But I guess we're just left to our own devices. I wonder how that anime guy will handle things."
"Maybe good but not like me." Bowser Junior "I get to be in just about anything!"
Petey Piranha simply laughed at this for the mutant plant was enjoying his time relaxing about underneath a pair of palm trees with a picture of Isle Delfino hanging right above him, a generic Piranha Plant snapping away at several characters from one off IPs.
"Wah, enough of this!" Waluigi complained while stomping the ground impatiently for he was tired of smashing pictures of certain characters he hated with his purple tennis racket. "When are we going to be included in this damn thing already!"
"How should we know?" Princess Daisy groaned while feeling her stomach growl. "We're never told a damn thing by these clowns!"
"Why do I have the feeling we're going to be passed up yet again?" King K. Rool mumbled in a disgruntled tone while adjusting his crown for the crocodile monarch of the Kremlings was feeling impatient about the future being ever so present. "It's disheartening. Pure laziness."
"Bah at least you get to wait a bit less by virtue of getting something in the game!" Kazooie squawked angrily upon flapping her red crested wings that got her Breegull feathers everywhere. "We don't even have anything to our name! It's insulting beyond word!"
"Coor I'm sure it'll be all right." Banjo reassured his bird buddy while strumming the instrument he shared his name with, bearably not faced by this. "We just gotta have patience. These things take time you know."
"If I hear that big excuse again I will choke someone." Ridley screeched for he was becoming irritated, proceeding to grab a nearby Animal Crossing human villager and shaking him violently. "And not just you men. The women and children will get it too!"
"Hey I get that!" Lady Palutena chimed for she felt a big fart emerge from her, the Goddess of Light laughing it off while playfully fanning the rancid air and pointing. "I understand that reference. I'm hip!"
"...Should I even bother pointing out how awkward this is?" Geno quietly brought up for he was just watching his fellow would be newcomers argue like they always would ever since these meetings started, with the Duck Hunt dog simply laughing while the avian just tried its best to fly away.
Simon Belmont was whipping up well known Horror genre caricatures from his Castlevania adventures while patrolling the enormous room. "You should save your breath; we have more things to consider."
"Like what?" Little Mac asked while punching everything in his sight as a way to compensate for being only good at boxing. "There isn't much we can do here!"
"That's a good point but you shouldn't give up." Doc Louis championed on while eating a chocolate bar, only to go into a panic for he was eating his very last one.
So anyway enough of these fine chaps that might get their chance someday, now that we had gotten the introduction out of the way, let's go to that mansion of stupidity!
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Master Hand started, opening the grand front doors with great gusto. "Meeeeeeeeeeet Ike!"
Standing at the door was a seemingly ugly, stupid, smelly, kinda but not really girley 'swordsman'... named Ike.
"ZOMG IKE IS LIEK SOOO HOT!1" All of the annoying Fire Emblem fangirls screamed, getting electrocuted by Pikachu.
"I always like giving them a much needed Pika shock." Pikachu casually spoke for he then left to get some ketchup to recharge himself on.
Ike chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "H-hi..." He then wet himself.
Master Hand and the rest of the Smashers all laughed at him in light of the fact that all of them did the same thing when they were new themselves. A bunch of Miis then came in to take pictures of Ike, being excited that someone new has made their presence known to the rest of the infamous mansion that somehow was slowly transforming itself into the hottest commodity of the videogame world.
"I think this guy is OK!" Ness chimed for he accidentally used PK Thunder and propelled towards Ike, who used his sword to knock the PSI kid down, accidentally killing him as a result.
"...Eh he was getting on my Falcon nerves." Said the one and only Captain Falcon who then decided to test the newcomer's might by attempting a solid Falcon Punch, only to be greeted with an eruption special attack from Ike that set the F-ZERO captain on fire, also killing him in the process.
Ike had a puzzled look on his face. "Are these people suppose to be fighting me on first contact?"
"Well not exactly but you'll get used to it rest assured!" Master Hand reassured while moving his finger tips at an erratic manner.
"Come on, we'll show you around; I promise not to be threatening Ike..." Mario said with a lying demeanor, walking up to Ike and stomping on Ike's right foot with his left foot like in that 1 cutscene from a certain Gamecube tennis game.
Ike sweatdropped in that typical overdone anime style. "Ummm... dare I ask what are you doing...?" He asked warily, eyeing the midget human suspiciously.
Mario shrugged. "Oh nothing..." The red plumber than punched Ike in the face and ran upstairs to his room, giggling like a goddamn Japanese schoolgirl.
Ike moaned in pain, and he fell to his knees on the floor, crying silently for he had enough respect for himself to not bawl.
Yoshi, Peppy Ankylosaurus, and Dr. Hoshi all looked at each other, then at Ike, and backed away slowly, running up shortly to their room, and shutting the door.
"Don't even bother writing us dialogue." The trio of dinosaurs said together in unison for they were suddenly crushed to death by a horde of different items old and new, the dinosaur triumvirate rising up from the wreckage as different colored ghosts. "We know where this stupidity is gonna head."
The Ice Climbers rushed up to Ike to get a good sense of him, with the Ice Climber pair enjoying his presence since they were bouncing about happily, that is until they felt a sudden rush in their grumbling stomachs.
"Ugh why did we have to eat those veggies?" Popo chimed for he began farting immensely, dashing away whacking everything in his path with his hammer while the air became frosty from his methane making. "I knew I should have watched my diet before we got another newcomer. What is anyone gonna think of me after this?"
"...I think I might have to keep an eye on these people..." Ike murmured while being weirded out.
"You'll have to do that." Snake interrupted while taking out a cigarette to smoke. "That's just how things are around here. You'll get used to it-"
Ike screamed and suddenly impaled the super soldier with his enormous sword, killing Snake instantly in a way that caused his nearby cardboard box to collapse on himself.
Young Link's eyes widened for he peed himself, trembling with fright for tears were forming in his little eyes. "Am I the only one scared right now? Cause I don't wanna be near his sword..."
"Meh it's whatever." Pichu scoffed while eating her cheesecake. "So long as he doesn't touch my pride I'm fine."
Dr. Mario rubbed his chin, deciding to approach this relatively unique Fire Emblem swordsman. "Perhaps we just need a quick judge of character. Maybe I should give him a prostate exam-"
This was enough to justify Ike laying a array of attacks on the doctor version of Nintendo's mascot, effectively killing him for his dead body went soaring across to the other clones, with the younger incarnation of Link and Baby Pikachu also being reduced to having died on the spot. Ike panted for it was quite clear that this was not what he had expected when he came to this bizarre place.
Mewtwo's right eye twitched upon watching the surprisingly gruesome scenes and getting a glimpse of what may come via using Future Sight. "Master, you're not going to have this... frighteningly overpowered WUSSY... in our already packed mansion, right? You're letting another 1 of them stay after the chaos the three swordsmen cause on a daily basis?" He asked with fear.
Master Hand nodded, smiling. "Yup! That is correct, yes: Ike is staying! He's our newest Smasher! And I want you all to be nice to him."
Bowser chuckled evilly, cracking his knuckles. "Oh I'll be 'nice' to him, all right..." He chortled in an evil tone, looking at Ike like a shark.
Ike gulped, and he stood back up. "Errm... I'm sorry," He admitted, accidentally performing his Great Aether attack on Mewtwo which in turn killed the psychic cat Pokemon. He sheepishly then rubbed the back of his head. "That was an accident; I sometimes surprise myself with my own strength."
"I can see that." Meta Knight stated with a deep voice for he attempted to cooly walk away only to trip over his cape and land on his face, breaking his mask. He then attempted to disappear in a cool fashion only for Pikachu to bump into him, the electric mouse charging so much electricity that both of them died as a result.
Ike squinted his eyes at the scene before he shrugged, grabbing back his enormous sword that still had some flames on it. "Right, I'm starting to become in the mood for some food, like chicken to go with some bread-"
"You want bun? Wario show you fun!" Exclaimed the epic fat man for he ran right towards Ike, only to be smashed through the roof above for eventually he went soaring towards his death upwards to the sky. "D'oh I missed; OH MY GOD: WAH!"
And that is how Wario Dies but we're not here for him: we're here for that handsome looking swordsman. Who was then suddenly challenged by the Gods of Melee, both animals who had just finished yet another match on the Final Destination and causing the hallway behind them to be left in shambles like the countless Battlefields they had fought on.
"We got a newcomer!" Star Fox McCloud happily shouted while doing his various frantic moves. "I can't wait to see how he handles us!"
"Psh this should be a piece of cake." Falco Lombardi chuckled while he kept his cool relatively. "He better keep his hands off my prey."
Ike sighed for he was getting tired of fighting without getting a chance to introduce himself, managing to somehow kill the space furries after a calculated battle right there and then, with Master Hand allowing this to happen for some strange bizarre reason.
Ike cleared his throat while calmly tapping his sword behind his back. "...hopefully that should be more than enough for today. Where will I stay?"
"IN OUR ROOM, COME ON!" Roy randomly shouted, grabbing Ike's right arm and running up the stairs, with Ike moaning in pain as his body was crushed by the wooden stairs. Roy then threw Ike into the room, and watched him crash through the window, landing twenty feet from the ground, and breaking his bones. Roy sweat dropped and his eyes widened. "Oooops... I did not hit him, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit him! I did not."
Marth sighed, the real girly swordsman entering The Room (oh hai Marth). "Roy, what have you done..." He looked out the broken window, and gasped in horror (covering his mouth) as he witnessed a moaning Ike, with the tiny pieces of sharp glass surrounding him. "OH MY GOD!"
Bowser then ran outside, and stood directly in front of Ike, burning the swordsman with his intense flame. The Koopa King then picked up the burnt Ike and hurled him into the wall, causing his skull to fracture. Bowser laughed evilly and ran off.
Ike moaned very weakly, trying to stand up, but slipping on a banana peel and falling back down, cracking his hip bones. "Eouch!" He screamed in pain, "Augh... my hip bone..."
"Don't worry, Ike!" Master Hand shouted from the broken window in Marth and Roy's room, "The First Aid Kit's coming your way!"
Princess Peach Toadstool, Princess Zelda, Samus Aran, Nana, and Jigglypuff then held a handful of first-aid kits over Ike from the window, and dropped them all down, watching them crush Ike.
"Uh oh, stinky." Peach said while letting out a rotten eggy fart, worrying and trembling in fear while peeing herself. "I... I think we all just killed Ike!"
"...You think that will backfire on us?" Nana spoke for the Ice Climber girl decided to poop her pants out of obligation to be frightened. "I just get this weird feeling. And it's not just because I could use a new diaper!"
"Oh certainly." Samus revealed her blonde hair and human face while still in her power suit. "I'm sure karma is going to strike us badly. You know how things go when you can tell your zero suit starts to get tighter on you."
"What would make you say that?" Zelda asked with an uncaring look on her face. "Not like there needs to be an answer for this. Or anything if I'm going to be honest about it."
Jigglypuff glanced up to see a bunch of angered Fire Emblem fanboys behind them. "The fact that we're going to get mauled might have something to do with it."
And so the girls had to fight off the fanboys, with most of them dying while Princess Toadstool and the Ice Climber female somehow survived; the latter rushing off to the bathroom after freezing almost everything and whacking through with her mallet. Barely able to remain conscious, Zelda turned into Shrek and did ninja things but it wasn't enough so before it was all ogre she transformed into Shaq and did kung-fu stuff, but not even Shaq Fu was enough to make her handle these Nintendo loving freaks so for 1 last trick she went from being Shaquille O'Neal to Shiek which was her weakest form by far and ultimately led to her death. Peach was barely able to survive thanks to her trusty Mushroom Retainer.
"This job sucks." Toad muttered in disappointment while folding his arms. "This is the only credit I get the whole time."
Anyway the Fire Emblem fangirls returned from their earlier paralyzed state and had a different kind of shocked reaction for they all ran over to the dead body of Ike, crying and mourning over their favorite character's death.
"I have an idea," Link dumbfoundly said, snapping his fingers and breaking them, "Let's all have a funera- AHHHH!" He screamed in pain and started rolling on the floor, screaming at the top of his lungs, as he felt the pain of his now broken fingers.
Luigi blinked, and he kicked Link in the stomach, killing the Hero of Time.
"...Ah shit..." Green Mario gulped while he hid under Marth's bed.
Marth gasped, taking out his sword. "Dude, that's my be- AHHH!" His own sword then slashed at him, killing 1 of the most annoying characters to fight against in Melee, who fell on the floor over Link's dead body.
In an awkward way.
"Ewwwwwww!" Everyone else except Mario's lame brother shuddered, turning away and closing their eyes in disgust. The other Mario brother then got a heart attack from not being able to handle the stress of killing somebody and died like a loser.
Roy laughed. "Serves him right! Now I'm the popular one!" He smiled.
Pit growled, taking out his bow and arrow for which he proceeded to fire off in an annoying way all over the place. "No way you cloned loser, I'M the popular one now!" He angrily retorted. "People wanted me for years!"
Roy growled, taking out his sword. "You shut your annoying teenage trap angle boy, I'M more popular! People like me best!"
Pit continued fuming, his wings flapping like crazy. "You're just a crazy, red-haired girl!"
Everyone gasped, Roy being the most shocked.
"Y-y-you dare call me... THE GREAT ROY... a GIRL!?" Roy angrily growled, as he started rapidly slashed at Pit, slicing the angel boy's body in a bloody and graphical way, "YOU MUST DIE!"
"That was MY line and my phrase!" Ganondorf grumbled for he attempted a Warlock Punch, only to be knocked out of the space from the sheer rage in Roy who unleashed all sorts of fiery hell upon the unlucky Kid Icarus.
Eventually Pit then plopped to the floor, dead and on top of the dead bodies of the elf boy and blue haired menace as blood started to pour out of the angel boy's body.
Peach burst into tears, burying her crying face into her hands. "No! My true love is dead!"
Mario and Roy both gasped in horror. "But... I'm your true love!" They looked at each other suspiciously, and growled. "She's MY girl!" They then started to beat each other up.
Master Hand and the other Smashers blinked. "Wow... not an ordinary day here at the Super Smash Brothers Mansion, huh?" He chuckled as he sipped some British tea.
Kirby yawned upon feeling a stomach growl. "This is boring. I'm hungry!" The worst Smasher then sucked in Roy, turning into him (and thus, killing the red swordsman). This of course gave the dumb puffball inflammation and burnt him to death from the inside since it was no better than the other Smashers regardless of her being the 'special baby' who could pretend to be everyone by swallowing.
Mario wiped his forehead. "Phew! Now-a I can go fu- err, I mean, spend some 'quality time' with Peach..." He chuckled, raising his right eyebrow and winking.
Peach giggled naughtily. "Ooh Mario, you naughty man..."
Mario chuckled sexily. "Oh-a Peach, you naughty little girl..." He picked up Peach, and dashed out of the dead swordsmen room, going into his room and shutting the door, locking it immediately. Moaning noises were then heard from the room.
Everyone else sighed and walked out of the swordsmen room, going back to their room, while Master Hand stayed and sipped some more of his British tea. Bowser suddenly returned and attacked the pesky plumber and dainty princess, with the trio of them dying from The Room collapsing on them.
Outside the Smash Mansion, Silver The Hedgehog and the gray colored Robotic Operating Buddy, R.O.B., watched the chaos ensue from binoculars, with the likely to be met with controversial issues in the future characters facing each other as they used the process of time travel.
"...Well, let it be said that I didn't expect Ike to be treated this way, given his status." Silver remarked as he lowered his binoculars, facing ROB.
"Indeed you are correct." ROB slowly nodded his robotic head in agreement. "It's a wonder that Ike was able to greatly build up his confidence after all this all happened to him. Who knows where his path will be carved once he's granted life back to him..."
"Looks like there's been plenty of dying around here." Yoshi said while stuffing his dinosaur face with different fruit, him and his friends restored to their original bodies.
Dr. Hoshi tapped a big strange contraption straight out of sci-fi. "Well it's a good thing I got this machine fixed up just in time to bring some dead folks back, let alone us."
"Why would you bother making this?" Peppy yawned while finishing up a bout of lettuce.
Dr. Hoshi adjusted his light blue glasses, the purple raptor in the white lab coat having his eyes narrowed in that stereotypical fashion. "Because we end up all having died in several of these stupid stories and I decided to do something about it.
So the reptilian scientist pushed several buttons to activate the machine, with it bouncing about for it summoned a skeletal reptile that bore resemblance to a dragon king.
"I don't know what happened," Dry Bowser explained while looking at his bones, coughing out fire. "I certainly prefer having my skin back."
"Looks like this needs some fine tuning." Dr. Hoshi murmured for he suddenly gave Dry Bowser Bones a specialized heart container, which was enough to restore King Koopa back to his fleshy original self.
"Gwa har ha! This is more like it!" Bowser laughed while posing, proceeding to leave while thanking the dinosaurs for bringing him back to life. "I'll see you idiots later!"
"Does he always do that to anyone who helps him?" Peppy questioned while scratching his head with his tail club.
Dr. Hoshi shook his head, making the machine summon the deceased Ike who wasn't looking all that shabby as a skeleton, with Hoshi also giving him a special heart container to restore him. "That should do it. You're feeling all right?"
"Not that I think of no." Ike questioned while tightly holding his sword, squinting his eyes. "Tell me... do all of your act not like yourselves when that giant hand grabs you?"
"Yes." Yoshi calmly interjected while juggling his heads. "You should see his twin; he's even crazier!"
"...Wait a minute; we haven't seen or heard of him all throughout this story." Dr. Hoshi pointed out while rubbing his chin.
Peppy dropped his jaw in disbelief. "Doh fuck... I think we might have solved the puzzle as to why everyone is acting out of wack."
Ike took a deep breath and wielded his amazing sword with 1 of his hands. "All right, where do I find this crazed glove you're speaking about?"
Somewhere within the mansion was that Crazy Hand cackling like the insane being confined within a floating glove, for he knew exactly what it was that he did.
"Ohawho! I'm glad I managed to drug my brother enough when it comes to newcomers!" Crazy admitted to himself while moving his fingers about in a frantic fashion. "It's always fun to see how the newcomers react when my bro doesn't act that professional! I should have done this back in the Melee era!"
Suddenly the insane hovering limb was slashed from Ike's Aether sword being chucked at him, with the purple haired gruff swordsman approaching him.
"You have a lot of explaining to do." Ike said in a tough tone for it was clear he was not amused by the shenanigans that had happened to him.
"The hell was that ordeal about?" Lucario questioned with an annoyed look on his face for he was sensing a bad aura.
"Hell should I know." Wolf scowled after smashing the various yellow blinking platforms floating around in the room. "Every night we wait feels like torture. I wish we didn't have to bear this burden of being trapped in this nightmarish prison."
"Easy for you to say." Olimar calmly pointed out while watching his assortment of red, yellow, blue, purple, and white Pikmin get chomped on by the various enemies from the planet chasing them. "Never has there been a case like this. It certainly leads 1 to realize-"
"Dis is de-de-disappointing!" Blurted King DeDeDe for he proudly held onto his enormous wooden hammer after smashing all the red and white targets + had his Waddle Dees scrambling for food to eat. "When are we allowed to be given our own story treatments like this? I de-de-demand this as the king!"
"Are you sure you want that?" Charizard brought up while sneezing a Flamethrower attack in the air, flapping his not exactly dragon related wings. "Because things won't be pleasant I can tell you that much. I should know."
"Wait are you telling us it could get worse?" Squirtle gulped for he felt quite nervous. "That doesn't make me feel better at all! In fact I think my shell is getting goosebumps!"
"What a joke." Ivysaur yawned while moving his vines about in the air. "You're worried that we're going to be subjected to BS here? It was already a hassle to agree being on this idiot's team."
"Hey you should be grateful I gathered you all together!" The annoying Pokemon Trainer Red shouted while dropping his pokeballs. "If I really wanted I could have just left you all to rot in the wild! You wouldn't want that would you?"
"You guys obviously haven't seen the true experience that fanfiction can offer." Sonic the Hedgehog interjected with a cocky smile and a laugh after dashing into the room at a fast pace. "C'mon step it up if you want to keep pace. If you don't understand the predicament that we're in than you're too slow."
Suddenly the newcomers all looked to the doorway to see a triumphant Ike return, with the heavily damaged body of Crazy Hand behind him. Many were quite surprised as to what it was that they were seeing.
"If you guys discover that the others will greet you strangely when you first arrive," Ike stated in a victorious tone while smirking. "Just know that it was this clown responsible for it."
Past Yoshizilla No Longer In The Present Future: And that's why, everyone, you shouldn't use Ike. He's going to be annoying to fight against, he's a swordsman, he's another Fire Emblem character, and did I mention that he has all of those annoying fangirls...?
Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus: Again, this story, originally a one-shot to cash in on the hype for Super Smash Bros Brawl, was years ago. A huge of this chapter originally posted before + after the bold bits, as well as the next new chapter and the bolded parts for which I have pointed out, aren't as you can tell: even moreso after several sentences got an upgrade. So basically it's a huge vast improvement over what originally was just a mesh of a mess. Let that be a good history lesson for all those that choose to read this ancient story that's ironically about 1 of the best Fire Emblem characters both in and out of Smash.