A/N: A fast update!
I have to say, this is a rather personal chapter, the result of a few of my own stuffed up emotions.
Thanks again to my lovely readers for being such a great support. Only 5 chapters left and we finally made it!
Special thanks to Stephanie. Not only for being a very fast beta but also for inspiring me. A few of the things happening here are your fault :)
Chapter 10
It was still dark outside. December had come and it was getting colder every day. Santana heard the wind rattling against her bedroom window and moved a little closer to Brittany who was sleeping next to her in bed.
The red lights of her radio alarm clock illuminated the room just enough to make out the silhouette of her sleeping girlfriend.
Yeah. Girlfriend. Santana figured she could call her that again.
Brittany was shifting a little on the mattress and sometimes Santana wondered if Brittany could feel her eyes on her. It was as if she were unconsciously trying to wake up whenever Santana looked at her for a little longer, as if her senses were on full alert and her body trying to wake up to be there for her friend.
When Brittany's eyes fluttered open, Santana kissed her forehead.
"Sleep some more. It's early."
Brittany came closer and nuzzled her head against Santana's chest, wrapping an arm around her thin body.
"But you're awake too" she whispered, her fingertips slowly stroking up and down Santana's bare arm.
Santana sighed, her chin resting on Brittany's head, blonde hair tickling her. She enjoyed being close to her, she enjoyed it so much because it felt so right to lie next to her... but something inside her kept holding her back.
Their trip in the not-so-stolen bus had been wonderful and the kisses had made her happier than she had been in a very long time. And there had been more kisses afterward. They had kissed every day.
Still, Santana had been scared to take their relationship any further and she couldn't even explain why. It wasn't that Brittany had tried to push anything. They had cuddled, they had stroked each other softly before falling asleep together... but Santana had made sure to keep her clothes on.
She did want Brittany. She did want to feel her. But she wanted things to be as they used to be. She wanted to be the person she once was, not the woman she was now.
Her eyes were fixed on the chair in the bedroom, her clothes and her wig carelessly thrown on the seat, while Brittany started kissing Santana's fingertips.
"I like the sound of the wind..." Brittany told her between kisses. "It makes me wanna stay cuddled up in bed with you all day..."
"Mmhh..." Santana mumbled, her heart beating faster.
What would it mean to sleep with her again? It would bring them so much closer. It would make things so much harder. Make it so much harder to let go.
Santana could feel Brittany breathe against her neck, could feel her press herself even closer against her body.
The sound of the wind became louder, just like the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears. It felt as if Brittany were surrounding her completely, her hands slowly wandering up her body while she placed soft kisses along Santana's jawline.
Santana pressed her eyes shut, trying to focus on the feeling.
It felt good. Fantastic even. But still she felt her eyes get teary.
She wanted to tell her to stop. Wanted to tell her to wait. That it was a mistake.
The truth was, Santana felt depressed.
Some days were okay, some days were not so okay, some days she just wanted to disappear. Of course everything had become better since Brittany was back in her life, of course she gave her so much strength every day... but as hard as she tried to fight the feeling, the sadness and self-hatred often washed over her and there was nothing she could do about it.
Sometimes she felt like shaking Brittany, felt like telling her to pack her things and leave before it was too late.
"Look at me, I have nothing to offer you" she wanted to tell her. "What do you want here? Go and live your life, Brit. Go and be with someone great. Go before I get weaker. Go before you'll see me lying in bed connected to machines. Before I'm too weak to eat. To talk. Just go!"
In her head she had so often yelled these words at her. But she also knew her head was screwing with her. She knew in her heart she wanted Brittany more than anything in this world. She knew she wanted to finish the bucket list with her. But some days her body betrayed her.
She had tried to get up, tried to move on to another item on the list, but her body wouldn't let her. It felt like being paralyzed. As if head and body were no longer willing to cooperate. As if all she could do was stay in bed forever.
And Brittany had been so patient with her in those past weeks. She had tried to talk to her about her feelings, and when that hadn't worked she had tried to distract her. With silly things. With funny anecdotes. With movies. With freshly baked cookies. With everything she had.
At least they had managed to paint their front door red the other day. Santana had felt a little bit better and they had bought the shiny red color together before dressing up in old white clothes, arming themselves with two extra huge paint brushes.
Brittany had folded them two big hats out of old newspapers. They had looked ridiculous but, Santana had to admit, also ridiculously cute.
Of course the paint had ended up all over their clothes, their faces, their hair - and the hallway. Mrs McPherson had completely freaked out, had told them she'd call the landlord, but somehow Brittany had managed to calm her down. It was something she was really good at, calming other people down.
They had giggled a lot, had kissed each other with red painted noses... until Brittany had suggested showering together. And Santana's smile had frozen on her lips.
Brittany didn't ask again.
Santana was fisting the sheets now, trying to control her heartbeat and her emotions while Brittany was kissing her way up to her earlobe, softly caressing the skin with her tongue.
It was fucking unfair.
She was 25 years old. She wanted to shower with her girlfriend, wanted to sleep with her and enjoy it. Wanted this suffocating fear to go away. Wanted to live.
"Are you okay?" Brittany whispered, interrupting her kisses to look at Santana who had opened her eyes again.
"I'm so sorry..." Santana whispered back. Looking at Brittany's sad blue eyes hurt in her chest.
Brittany tried to smile, softly brushing some strands of brown hair out of Santana's face, behind her ear. She kissed her nose as her thumb was lightly stroking along Santana's chin.
"It's all right. Everything's fine, okay? I promise."
Nothing was all right. Nothing was fine. But they both knew it. And it was still good to hear Brittany say it.
Santana nodded before Brittany's lips found hers again. Just one kiss, telling her "I'm here for you". It was enough.
"I'm going to take a shower, okay?" Brittany asked. "And I have to run some errands soon."
Santana swallowed and nodded, hating the thick lump in her throat.
Brittany got up and suddenly the bed was empty and cold.
She wanted to tell her to come back. Wanted to tell her not to leave. To stay with her. To kiss her. To touch her. To make her forget about everything. To get her heart to slow down. But no words came out of her mouth.
Santana closed her eyes again when she finally heard the water running in the shower.
Xxxxxxx
Brittany was waiting in front of the white door, her hand resting quietly against the wooden material.
She swallowed, not sure whether to knock or just leave.
She felt a shiver run through her body, even though the building was heated and her coat was supposed to keep her warm. It was one of those fast shivers that started at the back of your neck and quickly shot through your spine, all the way down to your feet.
Then she knocked.
"Come in!" she heard the friendly voice from inside and slowly opened the door, still a little hesitant.
When she stepped inside she could see the surprised look on the small woman's face, her dark brown eyes staring at her questioningly.
"Brittany..." Loredana said, getting up from her seat with a frown on her forehead.
"Everything okay? Is Santana..."
"Santana is all right" Brittany assured her, silently closing the door.
"Okay, good" the doctor smiled, pushing back the chair on the other side of her desk, motioning Brittany to take a seat.
"How can I help you?"
Brittany sat down, trying not to look around the room too much to avoid being overwhelmed by the memories from her last visit.
"It's about Santana, obviously..." she started, toying with the scarf around her neck. "I wanted to ask you something..."
"What is it?" Loredana asked friendly, leaning back in her chair.
"Okay... so..." she stuttered. "Santana and I... we're doing this... well, we're kinda trying to do a lot of things... to like... yeah. Things she wants to do... before..."
Loredana nodded.
"Santana wants to see Paris" Brittany blurted out, biting her lower lip. "But... like... I don't want to take her to Europe if... yeah, I wanted to check with you first. I don't wanna take her there if you think that..." She sighed. "Do you think it's too much for her?"
The doctor smiled, still nodding slowly.
"I see..." she mumbled, her frown indicating that she was thinking carefully about her answer.
"To be honest, Brittany..." she started. "I'm not sure if it's a good idea... You know, this would be quite a big trip... and while I think that Santana's been remarkably strong lately, I do think that a trip to another continent might come with a few risks. I'm not gonna lie, I think regarding her condition it might be safer to stay in the country."
Brittany swallowed.
"I know there are good doctors everywhere," she continued, "but it might get complicated... it might be better for her to stay as close to her own doctors as possible. I think you should consider it very carefully. It'd be a long flight, most likely a lot of stress..."
"It's okay" Brittany interrupted her. "I understand. That's why I came here. I was afraid you'd say that."
She looked down on her hands which were shaking slightly, biting the inside of her cheek. She had expected it. The doctor was right. She had to accept this, right? As sad as it was.
"Brittany..." Loredana said, a smile tugging at her lips as she reached over the table to take Brittany's hand. "I think it's remarkable that you want to do this for her. I think it's amazing what you two have and what a great support you are for her."
"Yeah..." Brittany breathed out. "But it doesn't change anything. I mean, there's nothing I can do to make her better."
"That's not true" Loredana told her, shaking her head. "You've already done more than you can imagine. I mean... the latest test results... they were really good."
Brittany looked up, her blue eyes glowing with hope. Good? Good results?
"They were?" she asked, barely able to hold back her excitement. "She's getting better? Tell me she's getting better!"
Yeah, she knew Santana was still in pain quite often, Brittany knew that. She was often tired, often weak, but maybe the medication really did its work. Maybe the doctors would change their mind. Maybe she could really try another chemo. Maybe it was that green tea. She had made sure that Santana drank it every night before sleep.
Loredana closed her eyes for a second before continuing.
"No... I mean... that's not what I meant."
Of course not.
"Brittany... Santana isn't going to get better... but she's not getting worse at the moment."
"This is not exactly what I was hoping to hear now..." Brittany answered slowly, trying to swallow down the inevitable lump in her throat.
"I know... but listen to me..." Loredana said, her voice calm and friendly. "It's already a small miracle."
She smiled.
"You know, when Santana was first diagnosed...and then, when the chemo didn't do its work... honestly... I expected her to have only a few more months left."
Brittany stared at her, trying to stay calm.
"I expected her condition to get worse quickly because the cancer had already spread that far... and even though I'm still young, I've had a lot of different patients in my career, a lot of patients with a very similar condition... and believe me when I say this, Santana's strength... it's amazing. It's remarkable."
It was good to hear her say these words, but it also hurt so much.
"And seriously... since you've come back into her life..." Loredana said, squeezing Brittany's hand. "Since you're back... it's as if you're giving her even more strength. It's as if her body is fighting this cancer with every fiber. Things could be a lot worse at this point. But the way it looks right now, I am fairly certain that you will still have time with her... I mean, considering the circumstances. More than I ever thought possible."
Brittany had tried hard to numb her emotions for the visit, but of course she couldn't keep the tears from welling up.
"You can be so proud of what you two have and what it's doing to her."
Brittany was brushing away the tears with her sleeve, shaking her head.
"But I don't feel as if I can truly help her lately... I don't... I mean... she's so sad. Sometimes it's okay, but then, like, she just sits there and stares... she doesn't want to get up... she doesn't want me to touch her..."
She let out a sob, making a fist in her pocket. She didn't want to cry in front of this doctor again for god's sake.
"I'm sorry, this is probably too much information..." Brittany quickly added, looking away.
"Hey, no, it's all right" Loredana told her, still stroking Brittany's hand reassuringly. "But Brittany, really, this is normal, trust me. I know that Santana loves you more than anything... I mean, I've never had such a close relationship with any of my patients and it's more appropriate to keep a professional distance... but I'm telling you this as a friend and not as her doctor, okay? Santana always wanted to be with you and all this strength she's showing... it's the strength she's getting from her love for you."
Brittany nodded. Stupid tears. Go away.
"Fear and depression are very common side effects of cancer," Loredana stated. "When she heard the diagnosis for the first time... and then, when she ended things with you... believe me, Santana was a mess. She talked to a therapist and she learned to cope with it, but it was hard. She was so close to giving up, so often. But it's not like that anymore. I've seen the changes in her."
"I just want her to be happy," Brittany told her, her voice shaking.
"I know that. But you have to try to understand that it has nothing to do with you. She's as happy as you can possibly make her. But she's scared. Even if she doesn't want to admit it" Loredana explained.
"Death is a scary topic. Nobody knows what happens after, you know? Nobody knows when it's going to happen. She's scared of leaving you. Scared of how you're going to deal with it..."
"But she shouldn't worry about me, she should focus on herself..."
"Of course she's worried about you, Brittany" Loredana continued, smiling softly. "That's why it's important that you two are totally honest with each other. That you talk about what you're afraid of... that you talk about the future."
"Yeah... yeah, I guess." Brittany nodded.
"And..." Loredana cleared her throat. "About the touching... being close to her..."
"Mhh?"
"I know it's hard, but keep trying to make her feel comfortable with herself. Many cancer patients experience this and it's hard for both, the patient and their partner. The medication is one part of it, lack of sexual desire can be a common side effect... but then there's the other side, the changes in the patient's body. Many people who've been through chemo and experience losing their hair, losing weight, occasionally losing control over their own body... they have a very different picture of themselves than they've had before. Even if you probably still see Santana as the beautiful woman she's always been, it is not the same for her."
Brittany shook her head.
"She's the most beautiful person I know," she stated honestly.
She couldn't stand the thought of Santana feeling that insecure about herself. She wanted to run home and tell her that. That looking at her still made her knees weak. That she had never desired anyone as much as she desired her.
"I believe you mean that" Loredana said, giving Brittany's hand one more squeeze. "And she's going to believe you too. Just give her some time. Just try to show her what you truly feel and I'm sure she will be able to trust you enough to let you come a little closer again."
It was hard to take, this journey into Santana's head. And as comforting as Loredana's words were, all Brittany wanted to do was take the pain away from her girlfriend - because right now? Right now it was as if she could feel every bit of that pain in her own body and her own heart.
"Thank you..." she whispered, not knowing what else to say. "Thanks so much for talking to me."
"Any time" Loredana assured her. "Really, whenever you or she need advice or just need to talk, you know where to find me."
"Yes... yes, thank you."
Brittany got up from her chair, Loredana quickly following her example.
The doctor held out her hand for Brittany to shake it, but Brittany quickly wrapped her arms around the smaller woman, pressing her close against her body. She didn't care that this was almost a stranger. She needed this right now.
She took a deep breath when the door to the doctor's office closed behind her.
What was she supposed to do now? Santana wanted a kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower and she was going to get a kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower. She'd find a way.
Her mind was working hard, going through all possible scenarios, when suddenly she had an idea.
Yeah. This might work.
Brittany grabbed her bag, quickly searching for her phone. She turned it on, then opened her facebook app.
She knew what she wanted to do, but Brittany also knew she could use some help.
Xxxxxxx
Santana still hadn't moved, was still lying in bed. She had fallen asleep, had woken up after a few hours just to find that Brittany still hadn't returned, then fell asleep again.
It was late afternoon by now and Santana was starting to get worried. This was odd.
Brittany often left the house when Santana felt like staying inside, but usually she came back after a short time when she had shopped for a few groceries or had run some other errands.
How long had she been gone now? Seven hours? Eight?
Had she scared her away? Did she need space? Was it getting too much for her?
Santana buried her face in her pillow.
This was just fucking perfect. She had dragged Brittany down with her, hadn't she? Because she couldn't move her fucking ass out of bed. Because she was so fucking unmotivated. Because she hadn't shown any interest in any other bucket list points. Because she sucked. Fuck this.
She dragged the blanket over her head, sweating under the warm material. She didn't care about the lack of oxygen, she just wanted to shut out the world. She'd just wait in her little cave until Brittany returned. She'd try to apologize.
If Brittany returned.
Santana was so caught up in her own anger with herself that she hadn't noticed Brittany coming back inside, storming into the bedroom.
"Sorry I've been gone so long, but now it's time for you to get up!" she almost yelled, ripping the curtains open and letting the late afternoon sunlight stream into the room.
Her girlfriend's unexpected voice almost gave Santana a heart attack and she carefully peeked out of her blanket, frowning as she saw Brittany opening a suitcase and throwing all kinds of different clothes inside.
"What on earth are you doing...?" she asked, her eyes trying to follow Brittany's fast movements.
"Honey, you need to shower. We're leaving. I know you probably wanna protest, but you're gonna like this."
Santana shook her head, the blanket still pulled all the way up to her chin.
Brittany noticed Santana's lack of movement and dropped the dress in her hand, looking at her. Then she smiled and hopped onto the mattress next to her hiding girlfriend.
"San..." she started , slowly pulling the blanket away to crawl underneath it herself.
She kissed Santana's cheek and took her hand in hers, wrapping her arms around her.
"You've spent enough time in Snuggleland" she told her. "I like it too, and I absolutely want to go back here, but right now I have a surprise for you."
Santana had to smile a little at the woman whose fingers were pulling her close, whose grin was so big it was contagious.
"Brittany Susan Pierce, you've had too many surprises for me in these past weeks..." she told her before Brittany's lips found her own and her eyes shut, instinctively.
"And you liked all of them, didn't you?" Brittany mumbled, her mouth still pressed against Santana's.
Santana had to smirk. Yeah. Yeah, damn it, of course she had liked them.
She nodded.
"Okay, okay... I'm getting up."
"Perfect!" Brittany squealed, quickly throwing the blanket off of the bed. She hopped off the mattress again, standing next to Santana as she held out her hand to help her girlfriend get up.
Santana sighed, accepting the hand as she was quickly pulled out of bed.
Brittany was still smiling, wrapping her arms around Santana's body as she positioned another kiss on her cheek.
"You look beautiful today" she whispered and Santana couldn't deny that it felt good to hear her say it.
"But now go shower, I will take care of the rest!"
Brittany gave her a playful slap on her butt as she pushed Santana into the bathroom and Santana couldn't help but chuckle and shake her head.
How did she do it?
How did she always make the impossible possible?
How did she manage to make her feel as if all of her previous sadness was just a silly and unnecessary waste of time?
Santana really had no idea.
She took her time in the shower, tried to enjoy the water on her skin, washing away the dark thoughts. She took in the smell of Brittany's shampoo which was filling the bathroom, let the soft foam run down her body. She watched it disappear down the drain, hoping it would take all the bad feelings with it.
She rubbed her hair dry when she was done, wondering what Brittany was up to.
Her girlfriend had finished packing and was looking at some stuff in her purse when Santana came out of the bathroom.
Santana was moving over to the mirror to put on her wig when Brittany looked up, coming closer to stand behind her, both of them looking at their reflection.
"You don't need it..." Brittany told her, smiling softly. "You look great."
"I don't know..."
"I do know" Brittany stated, her voice firm. "I love your hair. I love you."
Santana felt her body fill with comfortable warmth, smiling shyly.
"Okay..." she said slowly. "Okay, I'll leave it off."
Brittany smiled at her in the mirror, kissing her neck.
"Thank you."
They were standing like that for a moment, just looking at each other, when the sound of a car honking woke them from their little trance.
"That is our cab" Brittany said, grinning. "Let's go."
"How long are we gonna be gone?" Santana queried and Brittany gave her a wink, entangling their fingers.
"Just for a day. We'll be back tomorrow night."
Santana smiled, deciding not to ask any more questions for now.
Brittany locked the door behind them, then hopped down the stairs with fast steps.
It was already dark outside. A cool winter night. The sky was clear and the cab waiting for them in the driveway.
"I really wanna know where we're going..." Santana said as she opened the back door, freezing as she looked inside.
"Get inside!" a cheerful voice told her and Santana thought her heart must have stopped.
"We're going to Vegas!"
The voice belonged to Quinn Fabrey.
Xxxxxx
Santana still couldn't believe what was happening when the plane had almost landed four hours later. She couldn't believe Brittany had managed to arrange a last minute flight. She couldn't believe she had contacted Quinn and that Quinn had been spontaneous enough to do this with them.
She had felt entirely insecure at first, not knowing what to say, not knowing what Quinn knew about her, but her friend had made it very easy for her.
Quinn had talked non-stop, told her that she had wanted to call them so many times in the past years but never had the guts to do it. That she was proud to have finished her studies but that she was in between jobs now, visiting her mother for a few weeks. That she had been in a relationship with some church guy but that he had been driving her crazy in the end. That Brittany's message had been like a sign, like a small relief she had been waiting for all this time. The perfect chance to let loose a little and clear her head. That it was so good to see them again.
Santana had laughed a lot and it was as if nothing had changed. Quinn was still Quinn, even if she seemed more mature and a lot more confident about herself.
"By the way, I love the new haircut. It really suits you" Quinn told her as she was looking out of the window, watching the plane move closer to the earth again.
"Thanks" Santana replied, glancing over to Brittany who was holding her hand, smiling.
"This is gonna be so much fun!" Brittany exclaimed happily, letting her head rest on Santana's shoulder.
"Absolutely" Quinn agreed, grinning. "Never been here. Always wanted to go."
Being surrounded by her two favorite blondes made Santana's stomach tingle with excitement.
Vegas.
She hadn't actually thought of going here before. Why hadn't she? She totally should have put it on the list herself.
They didn't have to waste any time on waiting for their luggage as they had only brought luggage small enough to serve as handbags.
"I don't even know what I wanna see first!" Brittany twittered, barely able to keep her feet still. "There must be so many good shows. And I'm hungry. I wanna eat. And dance! I wanna dance. Can we dance?"
Santana chuckled.
"I guess we should try to do as much as possible. I slept all day, I'm full of energy."
Brittany smiled as they were standing in front of the airport, looking around. Quinn was keeping her eyes open as well, scanning the area.
"Should we take a bus or something?" Santana queried, but Quinn and Brittany just looked at each other with a knowing grin.
"A bus? Are you kidding?" Quinn laughed. "We're more classy than that."
When Santana spotted the black stretch limousine she immediately understood what her friends had been up to.
"Oh god... how?" she asked them, shaking her head in disbelief.
"I have connections" Quinn replied with a wink.
Santana couldn't believe she would have spent tonight in bed. Now she was in Vegas, being led into this crazy fancy car, greeted by a friendly chauffeur in a black uniform and hat.
"Ladies..." he told them, holding the door open.
"There's champagne, there are snacks... Just suit yourself and enjoy the ride."
Holy hell, this must have cost them a fortune. For a second Santana wanted to worry about Brittany's money, wanted to worry about the fact that her friend seemed to be spending all of her savings to make her happy... but then she looked at her. Saw her face. Saw her smile. Her excitement. And somehow she knew.
This wasn't only about making her happy, it was about being happy together.
Quinn opened the cork of the bottle with a loud popping sound as the driver had taken off, some of the sparkling liquid running down her fingers. She grinned.
"Girls, your glasses please!"
Santana knew that getting drunk wasn't the wisest decision but she was going to allow herself one drink.
"Cheers. To a fabulous night!" Quinn exclaimed, clonking their glasses together.
Santana enjoyed the warm feeling of the bubbly in her stomach, not hesitating to give Brittany a long and passionate kiss.
"You two still can't keep your hands off of each other..." Quinn smirked, taking a sip herself.
"Oh... we've... we've actually been broken up for a year and only recently got back together..." Brittany explained, smiling shyly.
"I'm glad you did" Quinn told them honestly. "You two belong together. You always have."
Santana smiled, looking at Brittany. "Yeah, I guess we have."
All of them were enjoying the tour, opening the window above their heads.
Santana was the first to get up and look outside, completely overwhelmed by all the colorful lights and the energy surrounding her. Everything was full of people, full of laughter, full of music.
The shadows of the shining buildings were reflecting on her face and she closed her eyes for a moment, taking in the breeze on her face and the different smells and sounds. It was better than anything she had imagined before. Maybe it was her company that made it so good.
"So... what hotel are we staying at?" Santana asked when she climbed back onto her seat, her cheeks rosy.
Brittany's smile brightened.
"What do you think?" she told her, biting her lower lip, grinning.
"The Paris Hotel."
xxxxxx
All the impressions had been almost too much to process. It was late, but Vegas was wide awake.
They had managed to get tickets for the Cirque de Soleil show and Santana didn't know what had made it that good, watching those crazy talented artists fly through the air or listening to Brittany's constant oohs and aaahs. She figured it was the combination of both.
Brittany was getting a little tipsy and Quinn and Santana had to chuckle several times because their friend wasn't able to shut up. She blabbered happily, dragging them from one bar to the next.
They had tried to play a few slot machines at the Casino but in the end they had left more money at the place than they had earned.
It didn't matter. As cheesy as it was, Santana already felt lucky enough. At least tonight.
When they were finally in a club with a big dance floor, Brittany's excitement reached its climax.
It had been so long since Santana had seen her dance. Too long. She had missed it.
She had to admit that she was beginning to feel exhausted, but she was doing her best to keep her strength. She watched Brittany dance with Quinn, watched them laugh, enjoyed the feeling of the loud bass in her veins.
Her girlfriend looked stunning, and as tipsy as she was, it was fascinating how much control she had over her body, how she became one with the music and sexily moved over the dance floor without any effort.
She felt Brittany's hands on her hips, felt her press her body against her from behind as their hips moved in unison.
"You're so sexy..." Brittany breathed into her ear and Santana felt herself blush. Brittany had called her sexy a million times but,... but it had been a while.
"I've seen people stare at you..." she continued, her hands running up and down the side of her body. "I don't like it... but it also makes me proud... 'cause you're here with me. 'Cause you're dancing with me..."
Santana shook her head.
"I don't think anyone's staring, Brit... If anything they are looking at you, because you're pretty damn flawless."
"Uh-uh!" Brittany exclaimed, turning Santana around so she was facing her, holding her close as they danced.
"See that chick over there? Earlier, when I was getting another drink, I heard her talk about you. She said you were hot, she was thinking about coming over to you and asking you to dance..."
Santana frowned.
"You're making that up..."
"I wish" Brittany told her, kissing her cheek as she let her hands disappear in the back pockets of her girlfriend's pants.
"But I told her you're here with me... and you know what?"
"What?" Santana swallowed.
"You can't see it, but her face... she's looking right at us, frustrated that I get to touch your cute butt."
"Brit!" Santana exclaimed, rolling her eyes but Brittany started giggling.
"I'm sorry, I think I had a bit too much of that bubbly... but I'm not lying..."
Santana shook her head again but she couldn't help but grin.
They danced like this for a little while longer while Quinn was busy trying to tell some guy that she wasn't going to give him her number.
As much as Santana wanted to dance with Brittany all night, she knew she had to sit down and have some water if she didn't want to let the weakness wash over her.
"Brit... I need a break..." she told her, getting up on her tiptoes to kiss her forehead. "But please, keep dancing. I'm just gonna sit down over there and get a drink."
Brittany looked concerned.
"Are you sure? I can totally sit down with you!"
"I'm sure. No worries, I'm gonna help Quinn get rid of the weird douche over there, I'm sure she'll be thankful" Santana explained with a wink.
"Hmm.. okay" Brittany finally agreed, placing a quick kiss on Santana's lips. "But tell me if you wanna leave, we can leave whenever you want to... or need to."
"I'm good" Santana promised, smiling.
She walked over to Quinn, placing a hand on her hip as she looked at the grinning guy in front of her.
"Sorry man, she's here with me and it's time for you to leave."
The guy was trying to protest but Santana hushed him, putting her finger on his lips.
"Nuh-uh. Don't try to argue Potato-Face and don't even think about asking if you can join us"
Quinn laughed when the man disappeared with a disappointed look on his face.
"Thank you!" she exclaimed relieved.
"You're welcome" Santana grinned, sitting down on the bar stool next to her friend.
Santana could feel Quinn's eyes on her, could see her smile from the corner of her eye.
"You having a good time?" Quinn asked her when Santana had ordered her water.
"Totally. It's the best night ever."
"I agree" Quinn said, nodding. "I'm glad you're enjoying it. And so glad you let me come with you."
Santana took a sip from the cold water, her eyes fixed on the dance floor. On Brittany. It was always a pleasure to watch her, even from the distance.
And it was surprising how much she enjoyed being here with Quinn. It was weird, but it felt as if she could trust her. She had always trusted Quinn, even if they had almost ripped each other's hair out during some fights in their teenage years.
Santana found herself overwhelmed with the sudden need to talk. With the sudden need to tell her everything. With the wish to get so many things off of her chest.
The three of them were great together. Even after all this time.
She felt her body getting hotter. She was nervous.
The music was loud, it was cheerful, but it felt as if time had stopped for a moment. As if things around her were happening in slow motion and as if it were only Quinn and her in the room. Her heart was pounding in her chest.
"Quinn...?" she started, swallowing hard.
"San?" Quinn replied, her features more serious. As if she had noticed the switch in Santana's mood right away.
"I think... I think I need to tell you something..." Santana continued. "I think... you should know what this trip is about."
Quinn looked down at her drink, staring at the bubbling liquid. Santana could see her take a deep breath.
"I know what it's about, San..." she brought out slowly, taking a huge sip.
Santana was gripping her glass a little harder. Seriously? She had told her?
"But..." She stopped, clearing her throat.
"You.. you didn't say anything. You didn't act like you knew... you..."
Quinn turned around on her chair, facing Santana. Her eyes looked sad all of a sudden and keeping her gaze felt like a challenge.
"Would you have wanted to talk about it?" she asked her. "We had an amazing night, San. It was the best night I've had in a very long time. And it wasn't about anyone being sick... it wasn't about fulfilling any wishes on some list you and Brittany made. It was just about the three of us. Just about three old friends having the time of their lives."
Santana felt her cheeks turn hot. She wanted to cry.
"You're still the same Santana I knew and loved back in high school. Nothing has changed and nothing is going to change it. And if you want to talk about it... then I'm here... then I'll be here."
Santana bit the inside of her cheek hard in order not to lose it in the middle of this club. She tried to focus on the dance floor again, searching Brittany in the crowd who was still smiling, still enjoying her night, still lost in the sound of music.
She didn't dare looking at Quinn again and she could see that Quinn was doing the same, facing the dancing people.
"Quinn...?"
"Hmm?"
Santana closed her eyes for a second, her fingernails digging into her flesh as she was making a fist, her hands shaking.
"Will you..." she swallowed. "...will you look after her when I'm gone?"
They both kept looking at the ditzy blonde in front of them. At her careless smile. The happiness on her features.
"Of course I will."
Santana didn't need to look at Quinn to know that she was crying.
"I promise you I'll be there for her. She's won't be alone. I promise, Santana."
Santana thought her heart might be about to explode.
"Thank you" she whispered.
She didn't know if Quinn could hear it over the music but when Quinn's hand ended up on her thigh, squeezing it, she took Quinn's hand in hers and she knew it would be okay.
She knew Brittany was going to be okay.
Xxxxxxxxx
All three of them were tired when they finally made it to their hotel.
"Here we are..." Quinn said, pointing at the huge building. And it wasn't hard to recognize, considering they were looking at a big Eiffel Tower.
Sure, it wasn't as big as the real one, but it came pretty close.
"It looks amazing" Santana admitted, looking over to Brittany who was already digging for the Polaroid.
"Will you take a picture of us?" Brittany asked Quinn, not waiting for a reply as she pressed the camera against her friend's chest.
"Of course" Quinn said, smiling.
Brittany looked at Santana, taking her hand as she led her over to the tower.
"I'm sorry it's not really Paris..." she whispered, concerned blue eyes searching Santana's.
"Brit... It's better than that. It's perfect."
Brittany smiled, relieved.
"Okay you two..." Quinn announced. "Smile for the camera... or wait, no. Kiss for the camera!" She winked.
Santana took in the sight of her girlfriend in those beautiful surroundings, then looked over to Quinn who was waiting to snap the picture.
Another point on the list.
Another step closer to... to finishing the list.
Life could be beautiful. Yeah. Sometimes she wished she didn't have to leave.
Sometimes it was worth it to leave her bed. She was glad she had people in her life to remind her of that.
"Come on, kiss me!" Brittany smiled and Santana didn't need any more encouragement than that.
She wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, closing her eyes as Brittany's lips met hers.
Tonight all three of them would sleep together in the same room and they would wake up together and there would be a new morning.
She kissed Brittany with everything she had, willing to enjoy every one of their kisses, willing to appreciate every waking minute with her.
And she didn't stop. She kissed her until she felt Quinn tapping her shoulder, rolling her eyes.
"You can stop now, I have the picture... In fact I already had it five minutes ago..."
Santana didn't reply, she just turned around to wrap her arms around Quinn.
They stood there for a moment, hugging, until they felt another pair of arms around them and Brittany's blonde hair tickling their faces.
"I really like Paris..." Brittany mumbled and Santana smiled as she heard Quinn whisper next to her.
"Me too."
xxx
N°6: Paint my front door red – Check.
N°7: Ride in a stretch limo and drink fancy champagne – Check.
N°8: Have a girls night out with the Unholy Trinity – Check.
N°9: Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower – Check.