A/N: I know I'm super slow with my updates but I'm definitely going to finish this story - no worries.
Thanks Steph for all your ideas! Heart you. And I heart each and every one of my dear readers!
Only 3 chapters left and I need your honest opinion on something - do you guys want to see a huge wedding with a big party and a lot of guests? Or rather a small and intimate one? Let me know!
Chapter 12
"Could you... um... move your leg a little more over... yeah... like that..."
"Ouch. Ouch my hair..."
"Sorry..."
Brittany giggled.
"This is more difficult than it looks..." Santana growled, trying to spread her legs further without falling out of the hammock. Brittany was lying on top of her, kissing Santana's neck as her left hand was searching for anything she could hold on to while her right hand kept pleasuring her girlfriend.
"If only it didn't swing so much..." Brittany murmured... "maybe if we move a little less..."
"Your fingers are inside me babe, how little do you expect me to move, huh?"
Brittany had to grin.
"Good point!" she admitted, kissing Santana's nose before focusing on building up a steady rhythm again.
It was cold at the Indian Lake Beach but they both knew what to expect when they had decided to spend the night by the water. In february.
The fact that they had a thick blanket wrapped around their bodies probably made the whole hammock experience even more difficult, yet Brittany couldn't help but love it. She loved the wind in her hair, loved the sound of the small waves, loved being here with Santana. Oh, and Tigger of course, who was asleep in his box.
The hammock was tiny and didn't look very stable, but at least there were palm trees. And did it really matter? The night had already been lovely in its own way.
"Mmmh... don't stop, Brit..." Santana moaned, digging her nails a little deeper into the soft skin of Brittany's back and the hammock started rocking harder with each and every one of Brittany's thrusts.
"Yeah... shit... deeper..."
Brittany smirked, moving faster, deeper, harder as Santana was fisting her blond hair, pressing her mouth on hers to muffle her own moans.
"So... so close..." Santana whispered, closing her eyes as Brittany watched the intense pleasure reflecting on her girlfriend's features.
"Yes... oh fuck, Brit..."
"Oh fuck, San...!" Brittany exclaimed as she saw the cord that was fixing the hammock to the tree rip in slowmotion. Only a second later they landed in the sand with a loud thud - first Santana, then Brittany and the blanket on top of her.
Brittany looked worried, huge blue eyes searching Santana's as she was wiping some dark brown hair out of her slightly sweaty forehead.
"Shit, San, are you okay?"
"We broke the hammock, Brit."
Silence.
"We're awesome like that" Santana added, nodding slowly, before a big grin brightened up her features.
Soon they both had to giggle uncontrollably and Brittany wrapped them both up in their blanket so they just lay there in the sand, staring at the sky. There were a few clouds blocking the view at the stars, but Brittany had insisted that it was only the Milky Way which seemed to come a little bit closer some nights.
"Turn on the radio, Britts..." Santana told her girlfriend as she watched Tigger crawl out of his box, yawning. He looked around, obviously a little confused, before spotting his owners and lazily climbing on top of Santana's belly.
Santana reached out her hand to pet the little guy behind his ears, causing the small cat to purr and snuggle even closer.
"He's so adorable..." Santana stated with a smile on her lips.
"...and he loves you" Brittany added with a wink, still searching for a channel on the old portable radio they had brought with them.
"Oh, it's the news, turn up the volume!"
They were both waiting for the football results as there wasn't much time left until this year's Super Bowl. But then, when the anchor finally announced the finalists, the smile was quickly wiped off both of their faces.
"They lost" Santana stated disappointed. "The Jets lost."
Brittany's gaze dropped and she sighed, picking up some sand to let it run through her fingertips.
"I guess we can forget that point on the list..." Santana went on, but Brittany quickly shook her head.
"What? No!" she insisted, "then they're gonna win next year!"
There was no way that the Jets would screw with their bucket list. Nope. Brittany wouldn't accept this.
"Honey..." Santana whispered, nuzzling her head against Brittany's shoulder, peckering soft kisses along her skin. "...I'm not gonna be around for the next Super Bowl..."
Right. Thanks a lot for the reminder.
Sometimes it made Brittany angry... to hear Santana say it. To hear her say the things she already knew herself but that she refused to accept or even believe. It made her want to push her away and hug her at the same time. It made her want to shake her, it made the little girl inside of her scream and shout... but she had to get used to it. She had to swallow down these feelings. Had to learn that there was a difference between hope and living in denial.
Sometimes the whole bucket list thing just felt like a big funny adventure. Like two people in love doing silly things together to pass the time. Sometimes she truly forgot what it was really about.
Would she be sitting at the beach all by herself a year from now? Would it be just she and their cat?
And a year... what was a year? A year was nothing. The year without Santana had felt long and tiring, but the five months they had been together again, they had felt like five weeks, not more.
Brittany could feel her own hands starting to shake, quickly trying to distract her mind from all this.
"I talked to Quinn... she wants to come over next weekend... to help us with the wedding invitations and first preparations... we could watch the Super Bowl together anyway, if you want..." Brittany suggested, pressing her eyes shut to regain some strength.
"Yes. Sure. I'd like that." Santana agreed smiling, squeezing Brittany's hand before bringing it up to her lips to kiss it.
"And Brit?"
"Hm?"
"Baby... please don't stress yourself, okay? I know that there are certain things that we won't be able to do anymore."
There it was again. That terrible feeling she had pushed down more or less successfully. The hot uncomfortable shock wave.
"And I don't mind, Brittany. It's been great so far, completely awesome and magical, and you know... not all wishes can come true. And they don't have to."
"But..."
"No, honey. I'm good as long as I have you... and Quinn... and Tigger!" she added with a wink. "I don't need to see Machu Picchu, okay? Really."
Brittany swallowed hard, pulling the blanket up to her chin as she focused on staying calm.
"Okay..." she whispered, nodding. Defeated. Powerless.
'It's not okay' she thought to herself, mentally shaking her head. 'It'll never be okay.'
xxxxxxxxx
A week had passed and Santana was more than excited to see Quinn again and to spend the day with her two best friends. Not even going to the doc's was going to change her good mood - especially because these blood transfusions had become a lot more bearable since Brittany was back in her life.
Usually she had tried to read books or magazines during the procedure, had turned up the volume on her iPod and tried to clear her head - but Brittany had insisted on coming with her this time, distracting her with funny stories and her typical positive attitude.
She was sitting in front of her, smiling and petting her leg while Santana could feel the fresh blood making her stronger and a little more alive every minute. Anemia was a typical side effect of cancer, especially after having been through chemo, but as often as she felt weak and tired because of it, after the transfusions she felt ready to tackle anything.
"What do you wanna eat tonight?" Brittany asked, her eyes glowing. "I think we need some typical Super Bowl food, what do you say? Oh, we could build a whole stadium out of cheese and crackers and make an audience out of gummi bears!"
Santana had to grin.
"Whatever floats your boat, baby."
"And burgers!" Brittany exclaimed. "Burgers and fries of course. And lots of coke. And Snickers. Peanutbutter sandwiches and M&Ms!"
"That sounds very healthy..." Santana told her, chuckling. "Breadsticks?"
"Absolutely!"
"So... when does Quinn arrive? Did she tell you?" Santana wanted to know, sighing as she looked at the blood bag that was connected to her arm, growing a little impatient.
"Actually... she already arrived. She'll be there when we get out of here." Brittany admitted smiling. "I told Mrs McPherson to let her in so she will have already showered and stuff... I guess Q's happy that she can stay with us and doesn't have to stay at her mom's all the time..."
"Yeah, I don't blame her. I bet staying with the old Fabrey can get exhausting..."
When Loredana arrived, she smiled at the two girls as she checked on the transfusion.
"Okay, looks like you're done here!" she said friendly, carefully removing the tube from the crook of Santana's arm. "How are you feeling?"
"Good. Great actually, thanks." Santana replied.
"Any more plans for tonight?" Loredana wanted to know, putting a little cotton ball on the slightly bleeding spot.
"We're gonna watch the Super Bowl and..."
"...make some important preparations!" Brittany finished for Santana, grinning proudly.
Santana blushed as she noticed the curious look on Loredana's face, biting her lower lip.
"Yeah, about that..." Santana started, clearing her throat. "Not many people know about it yet, but... Brit and I are gonna get married. You'll get a proper invitation soon."
Loredana's eyes widened at the other woman's words, then a big smile brightened up her features.
"Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "That's the best news I have heard all day. I am so happy for you two!"
The small doctor wrapped her arms around Santana, holding her close, before turning around to repeat the act with Brittany.
"I'm so excited, it's gonna be great!"
For a second Santana had been worried that Loredana would give her a warning 'but be careful that it doesn't get too much for you in your condition'- look, but the way her doctor smiled at her was more than reassuring that marrying Brittany was the right thing to do.
"Already set a date?"
"March 28th..." Santana told her. "We wanted a spring wedding and it gives us enough time to plan everything. We're currently looking for the right location..."
"I'm sure whatever place you choose is going to be perfect..." Loredana assured her and Santana nodded, taking Brittany's hand into her own, squeezing it.
On the way home Santana pictured all kinds of wedding scenarios in her head, imagined Brittany trying on a slew of amazing wedding dresses and thought of all kinds of fancy hotel rooms where they would spend their honeymoon and never leave the bed. She hoped she would feel as strong then as she felt right now. She hoped her body would allow her to be a good wife for a good long time.
Mrs. McPherson was busy cleaning the driveway with her big red broom when they arrived at home, looking at them with her typical grim expression.
"You have a visitor..." she murmured barely audible between her teeth, not looking up from the pile of leaves in front of her feet.
"Thanks!" Brittany chirped happily, getting the big box of groceries out of the trunk. "Are you going to watch the Super Bowl tonight, Mrs. McPhee?"
The elderly woman raised an eyebrow, then focused on her broom again.
"Well, if you do, you should totally come over sometime for a snack, we are going to build our own cracker stadium!"
"Can't wait..." she mumbled before stuffing the leaves into a big brown garbage bag.
"Geez, Brit, why are you always so nice to the old witch?" Santana whispered when they walked up to their flat, fumbling for her keys.
"I don't know, San. I think she's lonely... and I kinda like her. I think we should invite her to our wedding."
"And I think you're insane..." Santana replied dryly. "But I still love you."
Brittany smiled and kissed Santana's cheek as she turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open... followed by a loud "Holy fuck, Q, what is this?"
Quinn had obviously done a lot more than taking a shower while they were gone as the whole apartment was decorated with green New York Jets flags and garlands. Basically everything was green, including the sofa which was wrapped up in green sheets. It looked a little like a private St. Patrick's day party.
"Welcome home, San..." Quinn said grinning. "Like it?"
"I do, but you're aware that we're gonna watch Pittsburgh versus New Orleans tonight, right?" Santana asked, giving her friend a dubious look.
"We aren't" Brittany stated shrugging before wrapping her arms around Quinn to greet her. "It looks awesome, Q. Score!"
"Okay, hold up, what have you two planned behind my back again?" Santana wanted to know, one hand on her hip. "And why do you never include me in your crazy ideas beforehand?"
"Well, isn't it a lot more fun this way?" Quinn asked laughing, getting an old VHS out of her bag before throwing it over to Santana who caught the cassette, slightly confused.
'Super Bowl 1969 - New York Jets vs. Baltimore Colts' was written on it and Santana had to smirk.
"Ebay." Quinn added, shrugging, before taking the box from Brittany and carrying it into the kitchen.
"Hm..." Brittany cleared her throat. "You wanted to see the Jets win the Super Bowl... you didn't say which Super Bowl it had to be..."
Santana shook her head, laughing. "Brittany S. Pierce, you truly are the master of all bucket lists. I'm fucking impressed!"
Brittany smiled proudly before clapping her hands in excitement. "Wait 'til you see our outfits!"
"We thought it was time to relive the Unholy Trinity cheerleading spirit for one more evening..." Quinn added with a wink, already slicing the cheese. She pointed her head in the direction of a big plastic bag on a chair at the dining room table. "Open it!"
"Oh my god..." Santana gasped, taking one of the uniforms out of the bag. The original green Jets uniforms. And not only the typical short skirts - somehow the two girls had managed to get their hands on the dark green aviator overalls that the cheerleading squad always wore on special occasions.
"This is..."
"Genius? Silly?" Brittany asked slowly.
"Definitely genius... and it will definitely look absolutely hot on you."
Quinn chuckled. "Maybe I should sleep at my mom's place tonight so you two can appreciate those overalls a little more..."
"No way." Santana interfered. "You're staying."
She smiled.
"And thank you. Both of you."
xxxxxxxx
"I've never actually seen Joe Namath play before tonight, but he was a fucking rock star!" Santana exclaimed impressed, stroking her own belly which was full of Snickers, cheese and breadsticks. The halftime show had just started and the game had been very entertaining so far.
"Time to pee!" she added, placing a quick kiss on Brittany's lips before disappearing into the bathroom.
Brittany leaned back on the sofa, sighing contently.
"I'd say this has been a success so far!"
"Absolutely. I don't even mind the horrible video quality. It's kinda classy..." Quinn smiled. "But... Britts?"
"Hm?"
"I don't mean to be a mood killer, but..." She cleared her throat. "She looks so... so thin."
"San?"
"Yeah. I mean, I haven't seen her in two months, so maybe it's more obvious to me than it is to you... but... she looks very weak."
Brittany hugged her knees in front of her chest, pulling her legs closer to her body, trying to smile back at Quinn. Of course she had noticed it too. Of course she was trying not to think too much about such obvious facts.
"She's not weak though..." Brittany started. "Her doctor says she's still remarkably strong and it's normal that she's losing weight. Her body needs a lot of energy but she can't eat that much, she easily feels sick, can't keep all the food down..."
Quinn nodded, understanding.
"But she's trying. She's doing the best she can to eat properly, I know that." Brittany went on. "I know she's doing it for us. Even if she's almost never hungry and quickly loses her appetite... And she barely ever complains, Q. Sometimes I wish I could look into her head... to know when she's in pain, you know? Because she doesn't talk about it. I know she doesn't want to make me worry."
They heard the bathroom door before Quinn got a chance to reply so she just gave Brittany's arm a quick squeeze, a sad smile on her lips.
"What did I miss?" Santana wanted to know and Quinn took her phone, motioning her to sit down next to them.
"I was just about to post a pic of us on facebook" Quinn grinned, holding the camera of her phone in front of them. "Smile!"
She uploaded the photo to her facebook wall, adding a comment.
'Alternative Super Bowl rocks! Our party is better than yours!'
Only a few seconds later the picture had 27 Likes and three comments, one by Noah Puckerman.
'Where's the party - Can I join?'
Quinn smirked and raised an eyebrow before showing the phone to Brittany and Santana.
"Oh my god, Puck..." Santana said slowly, shaking her head. "He still has a mohawk? Are you guys still in touch?"
"Umm..." Quinn started, chewing on her lower lip.
"Okay, Q, seriously... I know that look on your face. Are you two still getting it on? Please tell me I'm just imagining things..."
Quinn cleared her throat.
"I may or may not have met him a couple of times in the past months... Old habits die hard, I guess..."
"Oh look, Rachel Berry liked your status!" Brittany interrupted the conversation, quickly clicking on their old friend's profile.
"She looks happy... is she still with Finn?"
"I hope not..." Quinn replied, frowning, "her relationship status is deactivated..." Then all three of them started looking at each other.
"It's weird, isn't it?" Santana said slowly. "All these people... people we used to know so well... and now we know next to nothing about them. Only what they give away on some stupid social network..."
She took the list with the wedding invitations from the table, the one they had started writing earlier that night. So far only a few names were written on it.
Anna - Brittany's colleague from work-, Loredana, Brittany's parents, and, on Brittany's demand, the lovely Mrs McPherson. So far no one had dared mentioning Santana's family.
"I used to think that I wanted a very small and very private wedding..." Santana whispered, lost in thought. "But sometimes... sometimes I miss them, you know? Sometimes I miss the feeling they gave me... Miss having them all around... hell, sometimes I miss being annoyed by them. 'Cause as dorky and crazy as they all were... we had the best time of our lives together... know what I mean?"
Brittany and Quinn both nodded before Santana pushed the list aside, snuggling up next to her girlfriend.
"Let's keep watching."
xxxxxx
After a glorious 16:7 victory, the three girls headed to the tattoo shop where they had made an appointment a couple of days before. Of course they were still wearing their uniforms. It felt good to wear them together, just as in good old times. It made Santana feel young. As if she were in high school again.
High school. A time that seemed so far away. So far away from all these dark thoughts.
A time when she still had huge plans for her future.
Becoming succesful.
Living in New York.
Being a star.
Having a huge family and growing old with Brittany.
Yeah. It had always been clear to her - Brittany would always be her girlfriend. Her wife even. But who would have thought that 'always' could be so short? 'Always' used to sound like an eternity.
Brittany would always be her girlfriend, but she wouldn't always be hers.
But that's what this tattoo was going to be about, right? That even if Santana's 'always' ended earlier than Brittany's, the girl she loved would still carry a piece of Santana with her. Some small part of her would always be with her.
Brittany looked a little scared when she first saw the big needle coming closer to her pinky finger. Quinn only laughed.
"Believe me, Brit. Getting the tattoo is a lot less painful than having it removed. I know what I'm talking about..." she said, pointing at the spot that used to be covered by Ryan Seacrest's face.
"Good thing I'll never have to remove this one..." Brittany whispered, looking over to Santana with a shy smile.
Santana had bitten the inside of her cheek when it had been her turn to get inked, but it hadn't hurt as much as she had expected it to hurt. Maybe she had already gotten used to needles.
Now she was watching the tattoo artist carefully following the letters of her own handwriting on Brittany's finger, watched the words "...unbroken by distance" slowly appear on her skin, hoping that it didn't hurt her that much either.
She looked over to Quinn and thought she could see a tear in her friend's eye. Quinn had always been a hopeless romantic on the inside, even if she didn't want to admit it. Santana knew her friend was probably dwelling on the thought of her and Brittany getting a tattoo as a sign of their eternal love.
Or... maybe she was also taking this whole thing a lot harder than Santana had expected.
Yeah. Suddenly Santana felt like Quinn might be going to miss her a lot. Almost as if this whole thing were breaking her heart.
For a second their eyes met, but Quinn quickly looked away, brushing the tear away with the sleeve of her overall. Santana knew that Quinn didn't want to ruin the mood by getting emotional, especially because it had been a rather cheerful night so far. But some part of Santana felt like getting up to hug her. To tell her that it was okay. That she didn't have to feel sorry for her. That she still had Brittany and that Brittany was the best friend anyone could wish for. That they could still be an Unholy Duality together.
But Santana didn't get up. She looked at her two favorite blondes, realizing that the tattoo artist's job wasn't done yet.
"Um..." she cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, I know that it's late and all... but... do you think you could make me another tattoo? Just a really small one... on my neck."
The woman - who was completely covered in ink herself - just laughed, looking at her.
"I know that it can get addicting, but wow, the addiction got you pretty fast!" she said with a wink. "What's it going to be?"
"I want a trinity symbol" Santana stated, her voice firm.
And from the corner of her eye, she could see Quinn smile.
xxxxx
It wasn't until they were all at home again that Brittany decided to talk about what everyone had been avoiding to mention all night.
They were lying on their bellies on Santana's huge bed, flipping through different wedding magazines and encircling some dresses that they liked the most.
Quinn had made a list of things that still needed to be arranged and it had become obvious that their friend was enjoying her unofficial job as wedding planner. Brittany decided that being a wedding planner fitted Quinn much better than being a lawyer. She definitely needed a purple skirt and blazer... and such a head piece, like in that movie.
"San...?" Brittany started carefully, taking a deep breath.
"Brit...?"
"Can we talk about the whale in the room? I know it's called 'elephant', but it feels much bigger than that..." Brittany mumbled, her gaze dropping.
Santana sighed.
"I don't know what you're talking about..." she said, focusing hard on some catering brochure.
"Your parents, San. Your mom. Your grandma... I... I know that you want them there, Santana."
Quinn nodded, putting her magazine away.
"Brit's right..." she said slowly. "It's about time, Sweetie. It's going to be the most important day in your life... You're going to want your mom to be there... you're going to want your dad to walk you down the aisle... you're going to want your grandma's blessing."
"I will never get her blessing..." Santana hissed, her voice already cracking.
Brittany knew that it was Santana's weak spot. Knew that they were making her feel awful in this moment, but she was convinced that there was still hope. That they could make things right. That Santana needed closure. If she didn't know it in her heart, if she didn't know for sure that it were going to be all right, she would never make her go through with this.
"You don't know that, babe..." she whispered, coming closer on the bed to let her chin rest on Santana's shoulder. "I'm sure they all miss you... just as much as you miss them..."
"And we're here for you, Santana..." Quinn added nodding, a smile on her lips. "We'll hold your hand. And we'll drive over there and kick their sorry asses in the very unlikely instance that they push you away. Which is not gonna happen."
Santana's eyes were teary as she looked down on her lap.
Brittany could see her girlfriend's inner struggle, felt as if she could hear Santana's heart beat in her own ears. But she knew it was now or never.
"Give me the phone..." Santana whispered, looking up to her friends. She looked so vulnerable, it broke Brittany's heart.
Quinn was biting her lower lip, frowning uncomfortably when Santana had finished typing in the number and brought the phone up to her ear. She had put it on speaker and everyone was holding their breath when the first 'toot' signaled them that the call was going through.
"Hello?" they could hear Santana's mother answering.
Brittany was squeezing Santana's hand harder, until her knuckles were turning white, showing her that she would never let go. She could feel her shake, could feel how completely tensed she was.
"Mom?" she whispered, her voice tiny and much higher than usual.
Silence.
"S... Santana? … Is that you?"
Tears were streaming down Santana's face and Brittany couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like for her. What it must be like to tell your own mother that... - she couldn't even finish the thought. All she knew was that she felt incredibly proud of her in that moment. That she admired her for being so strong. And that she'd do anything for Santana.
"Mom... I... I'm calling because... because there's something you need to know... something I need to tell you..."
"Santana, I've missed you. I've missed you so much."
The whole room was quiet when Santana pressed her eyes shut, squeezing Brittany's hand even harder.
"I've missed you too, Mom."
xxxxxx
N°13: Have sex in a hammock between palm trees - Check.
N°14: Watch the New York Jets win the Super Bowl - Check.