Chapter 14
A/N: I know that no one expected me to upload this but I promised you I'd finish. I keep my promises. However, I have to tell you that this is the very last chapter to the story. I tried different versions but anything else felt like dragging it out for too long. I've already let you wait long enough.
I want to thank each and every one of you for supporting me over the past years, every one who kept encouraging me to finish, even after months of absence.
This is the end I had always pictured for this story. If you want to know more about it, feel free to ask me on tumblr or wherever and I'll be happy to talk about it. Of course I'll also be happy about a little review.
Their journey meant a lot to me and it was great sharing it with all of you!
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"Here…. look at me, San! Oh yes, that's perfect, oh my god you have to see this!" Brittany giggled excitedly, her thumb swiping from one picture to the next, admiring the perfect snapshots she had taken of her wife in the water. Next to a gay shark named Lola.
Santana looked so happy. She seemed to almost drown in her giant orange vest, but the lady from 'Dolphin Therapy' assured her that she and Lola would take really good care of her wife.
"Brit you should come back inside and put that camera away!" Santana told her, laughing, and Brittany could see the joy in her eyes. That spark that hadn't left her since the day they had said 'yes' to each other.
They had been married for more than two months now and even though San had been too weak to travel anywhere for their honeymoon, they had tried to enjoy each day to the fullest. They had decorated Santana's wheelchair together and Brittany had rolled her around in the park, by the lake or wherever the other woman wanted to go. Loredana had checked in on them almost every night, to make sure she could help Santana with the pain. And she had explained to Brittany everything she needed to know about the infusion, such a small portable pump, it was really helpful.
Brittany was brought back to reality when Lola splashed some water in her direction, followed by the ridiculously cute sound that Brittany thought must have been actual dolphin giggles. "Okay, okay, I'm coming", she told the animal, putting her camera back into her backpack before carefully climbing back into the pool.
"There you are", Santana whispered, reaching out her hand for Brittany to grab it, trying to pull her closer. "Kiss me."
Brittany smiled into the kiss, enjoying her wife's wet skin on her own. She was happy to have found the dolphin therapy online, she could tell that it was really working. It allowed Santana to get rid of her oxygen tubes for an hour or two and she was surrounded by professionals which made Brittany feel much better about the whole thing.
One of the employees helped Santana out of the water and handed her a towel which she wrapped around her shoulders, shivering. There were goose bumps on her thin legs and it sounded as if her teeth were chattering, but Santana didn't seem to mind.
"I can't wait for tonight", she stated, trying to suppress the coughing. "It's gonna be magical, Brit-Brit."
Brittany smiled.
They were going to see the July 4th fireworks on a helicopter tonight, something the supervisor of 'Dolphin Therapy' had organized for them as he had a lot of useful connections in the region. He had also been the one letting them spend the night at his colleague's aquarium and arranging a private koala feeding for Santana several days ago. Brittany had kept the picture of Santana and the fluffy little bear in her wallet ever since.
"I can't wait either", she told the other woman, carefully rubbing her shoulders dry.
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It had been a warm and sunny day, not too hot, and even now they could go out without a jacket and enjoy the soft summer breeze on their skin.
The co-pilot helped them adjust their helmets and Santana had to grin as she looked at her wife with that giant green thing on her head.
"We have to take a picture now", she told Brittany as she held up the phone in front of their faces. "Smiiiile!"
They sent the selfie to Quinn, adding a short message. "About to have a magnificent night. Helicopter. Fireworks. We miss you! Love is in the air!"
They got an answer only seconds later. "I love you girls. Enjoy! xoxo"
Brittany grabbed Santana's hand when they sat down in the helicopter, squeezing it tightly when they left the ground. The world underneath them was getting smaller and the feeling was truly magical.
"You okay?" Brittany yelled into her mic and Santana nodded excitedly.
"Look around you, Britts, this is fucking fantastic."
And it was.
They were positioned at a safe distance when their view suddenly filled with bursts of color, the music they had picked beforehand buzzing in their ears through their headphones.
A wave of emotion was rushing through Santana as she looked at her wife, the colorful sparks reflecting in Brittany's eyes.
She had forgotten the pain, had forgotten the knot that usually felt so tight in her chest. Time had stopped. This was easily becoming the best night of her life.
"I love you, Brittany."
Brittany smiled.
"I love you, too, Santana Lopez."
Santana looked at the lights, how they were rising, almost unnoticed, before bursting in the sky and leaving the world in awe. Then they disappeared.
Some things seemed to shine brightest before leaving the world for good.
Brittany kept stroking Santana's hand with her thumb throughout the entire show, hopping excitedly in her seat whenever an especially beautiful scenario painted the sky in front of their eyes. Santana loved the golden glitter most, the one that Brittany referred to as "unicorn poop".
They landed safely after a while and Brittany and the pilot helped Santana get out of the helicopter. Her wheelchair was already waiting for her and Santana couldn't deny that she would need a bit of fresh oxygen soon.
"There's one thing we need to do first, though", Brittany said with a smile and Santana teared up at the sight of the two floating lanterns that one of the staff members had already prepared for them while they'd been up in the air.
"Perfect, Brit. A perfect way to end this night."
Brittany nodded. "I felt it had to be tonight."
They each grabbed one of the small hot air balloons and Brittany pointed at the little piece of paper that was attached to them. "For your wish."
Santana looked thankful as Brittany handed her a pen. What was the chance that these wishes really came true? She knew it probably didn't make sense to wish for a long and healthy life but maybe, if she played her cards right, a little faith might make anything possible.
She looked at Brittany again, how she was eagerly scribbling something onto her paper - her tongue sticking out in concentration - and if she was honest with herself, all she had ever wished for was for Brittany to be happy.
But tonight she had to think of herself for once. Tonight she wanted to make a wish that she had never dared to make before.
She swallowed hard when the tip of the pen touched the paper.
There were tears in her eyes when she lit the small candle inside the balloon.
"On the count of three…", Brittany said.
And three seconds later their lanterns started floating, dancing together in the sky before slowly disappearing in the distance.
"What did you wish for? Wait - don't tell me, or it won't become reality!" Brittany exclaimed, grabbing Santana's hand.
Santana had to look the other way, closing her eyes as she bit her bottom lip, trying to ignore the lump in her throat.
When she looked up again, the sky was finally dark.
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Back at home, Santana was browsing through the bucket book, lost in thought, the sound of Brittany in the shower the only audible background noise. She let her index finger run along the picture of Brittany in her wedding dress before turning the page and putting some glue on a photo of herself and Lola in the water.
Tigger was climbing up her arm, meowing into her ear while leaving little scratch marks on her skin. "Ouch", she told him, grabbing his soft fur and carefully putting him on her lap. "You're getting bigger, tiger. Be careful with those dangerous claws of yours!"
The cat looked at her as if he understood before snuggling closer to the woman's belly, purring softly as she started stroking his back.
"On the other hand…", she deliberated out loud, tickling Tigger's ears, "you better keep them claws sharp. Once I'm gone, it'll be your job to take care of Brittany, you hear me? It'll be much easier to leave her behind knowing that a fully grown tiger protects her in her sleep."
When the cat started licking her hand, Santana had to roll her eyes, chuckling. "See, that's what I was talking about…"
She had just written 'Swim with a gay shark' next to one of the newest pictures when she felt her phone vibrate, taking a quick look at the screen. 1 unread message. Loredana.
'Have you talked to her yet? What does she say?'
Santana closed her eyes. She wasn't in the mood for this now. She didn't think she'd ever be in the mood to have that talk.
'Not now. Talk to you tomorrow. - S', she texted back before stuffing the phone underneath the blanket that was lying next to her.
The next vibration was barely audible and much easier to ignore.
She took a deep breath, trying to avoid another coughing fit. She failed.
Santana was searching for a tissue, her lungs feeling as if they were about to collapse. She held the white handkerchief in front of her face, cringing when she saw the blood. She sighed.
"You okay, baby?" she heard Brittany yell from the bathroom. The water had stopped and there was some steam coming out from the slit underneath the door.
"I - I'm fine", she called out, choking a little. "All good."
When Brittany came into the room, wrapped in her yellow bathrobe, Santana quickly shoved the bloody tissue under the sofa. She'd throw that away later.
"Want me to get you your green tea?" Brittany asked, a smile on her lips as she was starting to massage Santana's shoulders.
"Why don't you just sit with me for a bit?" Santana replied, patting the spot next to her on the couch. "Oh, I'm sorry, with us", she corrected herself when she saw Tigger's indignant glare.
Brittany giggled. She didn't need to be told twice.
"You looking at our book again?" she asked, letting her head rest on Santana's shoulder, inhaling her smell.
"Yeah…"
"I think it's pretty much the coolest thing we ever did together", Brittany said proudly. "What's been your favorite bucket point so far?"
Santana thought about her wife's question for a moment before shaking her head. "Sorry, it's impossible to decide that…"
She went through the book from the beginning, smiling at the very first picture. "This is already one of my favorites."
"The motorcycle?" Brittany asked incredulously. "It was just a toy - I mean, it was just supposed to be that little thing to get us started."
"I know. That's what I love about it." She took Brittany's hand into her own and softly kissed her fingertips. "I will never forget what I felt in that moment. You were wearing this leather jacket and you looked so incredibly sexy…". She had to laugh. "I hadn't been around you in so long and I had missed you so fucking much. And there you were, looking hot as hell, being so unbelievably cute about the whole situation. Even though I had been a total bitch… After all the crying, all the worrying, all this shitty loneliness, you managed to give me butterflies again - just like that. That's who you are. Exactly why I love you so much."
"I had butterflies, too. Even though I was terrified. It's a strange combination", Brittany replied, laughing and squeezing Santana's hand.
Santana turned the page.
"Ooohh my god", she laughed. "The bus."
"One of my favorite adventures with you", Brittany added.
"For sure", Santana agreed. "Can't believe almost a year has passed since then."
"We finally kissed."
"Uh huh…"
They both smiled at the memory and Santana was convinced that this had been the best kiss of her life. The flashback in front of her inner eye hit her hard and she wished she could turn back time. Relive it all.
The rain. Brittany's wet hair between her fingertips. The excitement. The relief. The thought that anything was possible. That they would conquer it all. That they would kick the cancer's ass as long as they had each other.
She was so - SO fucking thankful for having met her again in that hair salon. So thankful for the past months. For their journey and the joy it had brought her. The light at the end of that godforsaken tunnel.
Brittany leaned closer to kiss Santana's ear. It sent a shiver down her spine.
On the next page was a picture of Quinn and Santana could feel it warm her heart a little more.
"What a party…", Brittany said as she looked at the photo. "Vegas rocks!"
"I can still see you on that dancefloor. Feel you, even", Santana added, wishing she could dance with her wife once more. They had always loved to dance whenever and wherever possible. No one had the moves like Brittany. "I'm still dancing with you in my dreams."
Brittany smiled, though Santana could see her chin shivering slightly.
"I was so happy that you brought Quinn back into my life that day. I hadn't realized how much I missed her - all of us together, until that night."
"And I'm glad we got those tattoos together", Brittany agreed. "Something that'll always unite us."
They locked their pinkies, the words written on them fading into one message that had become some sort of mantra to them. Love forever, unbroken by distance.
A sound underneath the blanket interrupted them.
"Santana, your phone keeps vibrating, maybe you should pick it up", Brittany said, a slightly worried look on her face.
"It's Lory, Britt."
"What does she want? You said she didn't have time to come over tonight. Thought she was celebrating with her family?"
Santana sighed. "Brittany, I… I didn't want to do this tonight. But we agreed to always be honest, so." She cleared her throat, coughing a little.
Brittany frowned. "What now, San? It can't be that bad, can it? Not considering what we're already dealing with every day."
Santana bit her bottom lip. "She wants to talk about several… um… options with us."
"Options?" Brittany asked, a confused look on her face. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."
"Babe…" Santana sighed, avoiding Brittany's eyes. "I meant stuff like, you know… stationary hospices,... palliative stations… that sort of thing. A nice place with some experienced people who can help when it gets down to… you know… they can help us, make it easier..."
Santana could see Brittany swallow. Could see the tears in her eyes.
"Don't say it. Say no more", Brittany whispered. "Not tonight."
Santana smiled, carefully removing the tubes from her nose before dragging her wife in for a hug.
"You're right", she said, kissing the blonde hair that she loved. "Not tonight. We can deal with that some other day."
She felt Brittany nod against her chest, knowing that she wouldn't want to speak now. It was okay. Now she just wanted to keep her warm and safe. 'Cause she was right where she belonged.
"Brit?"
"Hm?"
"I just wanted you to know that I'm… I'm really happy. It was a beautiful day. One of the best days of my life. And that's because of you."
Brittany turned her head around to look at Santana, quickly brushing a tear off her cheek.
She smiled back.
"It was beautiful."
Santana carefully tried to drag Brittany up so they were on eye-level again, leaning closer to touch her chin with her thumb before kissing her - slowly. Brittany's lips parted immediately as she responded to the kiss, their tongues meeting almost shyly. Somehow every kiss with her could feel like a first kiss. This little hurricane in your belly. The excited tickle in your skin. The heart that is pumping in your throat instead of your chest. And the thought of doing this until time stops. Always and again and again.
Santana let her forehead rest against Brittany's as she kept stroking her hair, wanting to tell her, without words, that it would be okay.
Brittany smiled.
"I'm getting really tired, San. And you must be exhausted."
Santana smiled back at her.
"I'll stay awake a little longer. Until you fall asleep, okay? Let's go to bed."
Brittany nodded, took off her bathrobe and climbed under the sheets, Santana quickly following her. When Brittany turned around to find her typical sleeping position, Santana came closer from behind, spooning her tightly. Their fingers were entwined in front of Brittany's belly - the most comforting feeling in the world.
"Sleep now baby... I'll watch over you…", Santana whispered.
She kissed her hair and Brittany finally closed her eyes, letting out a deep and content sigh.
"... I always will."
Santana waited until she heard her wife's soft little snore. She watched her sleep for what felt like an eternity. Then she grabbed her phone and left the room.
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When Brittany opened her eyes again, it was already bright outside. She felt Santana lying next to her and immediately turned around to wake her. It was a Sunday, she would prepare breakfast for them. Maybe they could stop by the lake again later. Maybe they could call Quinn.
Santana looked content, but something was different than usual. Usually Santana would hide her face as soon as the room turned bright. Sometimes she even put on her sleeping mask so no annoying ray of sunlight could interrupt her much valued sleep.
"San?" Brittany whispered. "San, wake up."
Brittany's heart stopped.
No.
"Santana!" she almost yelled, grabbing her wife's hand. But it was cold. It was too fucking cold.
"No. No no no no no… please, no."
The last no was barely audible.
What now? What to do? Who to call? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, goddammit, fuck!
Brittany frantically searched for her phone, her hands shaking, her legs pudding. Gotta call Lory. Gotta call 911. Gotta call someone. Anyone. Please.
When she finally found it, she nervously pressed the home button and saw a message on her screen. A - a message from Santana.
She opened it as fast as she could, her whole body shaking, the tears making it hard to read.
'Baby, please don't cry. Don't call anyone. Not yet. We both knew that it had to happen. And I wanted it that way. I wanted to be with you. Please watch the video. - I love you more than anything.'
It was so surreal. Sobs shaking through her like hiccups. Yet Brittany somehow managed to open the video that had been sent to her, the view of Santana smiling at her almost killing her. It felt like a knife in her chest but she forced herself to listen as Santana spoke into the camera.
"Um… hey." Santana smiled, insecure.
"You are watching the video. That means it all worked out and… and we're finally free.
I - I don't even know how to begin to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. So sorry for what you have to face now. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like, being in your position…
Brittany, you always told me that you thought I was brave... but what does being brave even mean? It's not the absence of fear, it's facing your fears, right? It means being scared but still trying to go on and to live your life to the fullest. And yeah, that's what we did. It's what we did together, Brit. You were the one who helped me face those fears... You're the reason why I didn't give up, why the worst year of my life also became the best year of my life.
And you know what? I'm finally not scared anymore.
I was scared of so many things.
I was scared of the pain.
Scared of being alone.
Of dying alone.
And what I was scared of the most was what it would all do to you. I was scared of leaving you behind, causing you pain, disappointing you.
But what did I think, Brit? I needed you in my life, babe. I needed you and you were there for me, every step of the way. And I know now I'm gone and can't be there for you anymore the way that I want to be. But I'm also not scared anymore that you won't make it. Because I know you will. Because you're the strongest person I know. The bravest and most beautiful and kind-hearted person I ever met. And you will get through this, honey.
And I'll always be with you.
I promise you.
I'll be more than just a little tattoo on your pinky or a ring on your finger. I'll be more than just a picture on your wall. I'll be everywhere around you.
And there might be a point in time when you don't need me anymore. A point in time when you let somebody else love you - that lucky bitch!
There's gonna be a point in time when you have kids and we both know you'll be a great mom.
A point in time when you'll be truly happy.
But no matter when that time comes, babe, no matter how often you feel lost along the way, I want you to remember that I loved you more than anything. If you can, let that be your strength.
Hold on to the thought that I'm somewhere out there, I don't know where, and I'll watch over you.
And if you need to cry or vent or talk, then talk to me and I will listen. I promise you, I will listen, okay?"
Santana took a tissue, stopping the tear in the corner of her eye from falling.
"You see?", she smiled. "I swore to myself that I wouldn't cry on this. To make it a little easier. But I guess I failed. Anyways - Brittany. Please. Don't be mad at me. But tonight, when we let go of that floating lantern… You know what I wrote on the paper? I wrote 'please, let me die happily tonight'. And now that you're watching this, it's exactly what happened.
Lory said it was a matter of days before things would have gotten even worse. I didn't wanna leave this world connected to all those machines, not able to speak and tell you how much I love you. How much I'll miss you.
But now I get to do all that. And I get to fall asleep next to the most important person in my life. The woman who made me truly happy.
Please, be brave Brittany. Do it for us. I know you can. I've always believed in you.
And please tell Quinn and Lory and my family that I love them. I couldn't have done it without all of you.
Take good care of Tigger and our bucket book. Maybe you can finish the last point without me one day. Maybe you'll think of me when you visit Machu Picchu.
I love you, Brittany. Never forget. I'll always be with you."
Santana smiled and blew a soft little kiss into the camera before the video finally stopped.
Brittany dropped the phone. She looked left. Looked right. Her face was wet and her head spinning.
Not knowing what to do she put on her bathrobe again, stepping outside the apartment, not wearing any shoes.
Mrs McPherson was cleaning the hallway when their eyes met. She could see the old lady didn't need to ask what had happened. Her usually strong and cold features immediately turned soft and she dropped her broom.
"C'mere, girl. Oh no… oh, come here, sweetheart."
Then she hugged her.
"It doesn't feel like it right now, but it's gonna be okay…. It's gonna be okay. I promise. Ssshhh…"
Looking back, Brittany had never expected her old grumpy neighbor, of all people, to be the one comforting her in that moment. She had pictured this a million times. Where it would happen. How and when. What she would do. What she would say.
She had never pictured it like this.
She had known it was going to happen and she understood. It was the way Santana had wanted it. Her last day on earth had been a happy one. Her last night next to the woman she loved. But it didn't matter how much time she had had to prepare for this, it made no difference. No one could have prepared her for the pain she felt in this moment. For the terrible emptiness that suddenly filled her heart.
It was a feeling, so powerful, it could break you within seconds.
But she would get through this. She had promised her.
She'd get through this for her.
For them.
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Santana Lopez died on the 5th of July, 2015.
Her ashes were spread on Machu Picchu.
- Check.