4. MEMORY

No.

NO!

Damn it!

I should have known Edward would've found out sooner or later. I should've been more careful with my thoughts.

Careful? I was already more careful than anyone knew. The one thing I absolutely hated about being a werewolf was the stupid mind reading. More like mind sharing.

Damn it to hell.

I had to practically numb myself before I ever phased so that they wouldn't hear my thoughts! My thoughts... my twisted, stupid, reckless, illogical thoughts!

I made sure I phased as little as possible, too, only once every two days, and using the other days to either sleep, or numb myself down enough to be distracted!

From what I could tell, none of them knew about my imprinting. I was absolutely sure of it! Especially not Jacob. I was beyond careful around Jake.

But Edward!

Edward knew now.

I barely ate when food was given to the pack, and the humans. I sat very still, paranoid, picking at the hamburger on my plate. My mind was a million miles away.

What was the worst that could happen? I doubted that Ed would tell the pack. He was much too good of a friend to do that. And he definitely wouldn't tell Jacob. No, never. Or Renesmee. It would absolutely break her heart. But would he tell Bella? No, I doubted it. He wouldn't betray my trust like that. He couldn't do that...

I didn't even sit near Jacob. I was way too jumpy to be close to him right now. And I kept a distance from Edward too, knowing that if I spoke with him, it would be much too difficult for me to block the thought of Jacob out of my mind the next time I phased.

Everyone (except the vamps) was finishing the food when a loud splash sounded beside me. A sudden chill ran up my spine. My eyes closed, my mouth opened in shock, and my hands shot up into the air. I opened my eyes and whipped my head towards the pool. Sitting at the table by the pool when Quil was near was not a very good idea.

My wet hair shot beads of moisture around me. I turned to glare at Quil, who had just resurfaced from the water, but I couldn't scowl. I smiled and laughed instead.

It really was funny. Funny meant a distraction. Distractions were good. Very good.

I laughed like I had just witnessed the funniest thing ever, and randomly flung myself into the pool, fully clothed, except shoes. I knocked a chair over on my way.

My God, that water felt good. It was just as cold as the ocean today, but not near as salty. I could open my eyes without feeling the least bit uncomfortable, and I kicked my feet off the edge of the pool siding and shot towards Quil like a bat out of hell.

I landed a kick on his hip, but it was an underwater kick. It did no more than move him a bit. I gave up and swam towards the bottom of the Olympic sized pool.

Launching myself down towards the bottom of the pool was easier and more distracting than I could imagine. All I could think about was the way the water felt against my overheated skin as I sank to the bottom of the pool. I was about twelve feet under now... My mind was clear, the haze of my reverie lifted.

My clothes were terribly soaked, but I knew my heat would eventually dry them.

I let a few bubbles escape from my open mouth as I floated just above the bottom of the transparent water, and watched them float carelessly to the top.

I wasn't the only one in the pool. I had been joined swiftly by the rest of the pack, who had arrived before we ate. I could recognize every one of them as they jumped into the water... Jared, Embry, Paul, Collin, Brady... and the seven new wolves: Michael, Gary, Ricky, Warren, Steven, Iliana (another female), and Chris. Leah didn't jump in. Of course. Classic Leah.

But Sam didn't jump in either. Not-so-classic Sam.

I didn't know if Jacob or Renesmee would jump in, but they hadn't yet, so I wasn't disappointed.

None of the Cullens jumped in.

Oh, wait! Yes they did!

Alice appeared out of nowhere, suddenly clad in a two piece swimsuit. She jumped in, and the force of the jump was enough to make waves that knocked the pack to the edge of the pool, and even knocked some of them out of the pool! I didn't laugh. Not supposed to laugh underwater, you know. That whole breathing thing.

I smiled as Alice was followed by Emmett, and Bella. I was half-certain that I saw Alice drag Rosalie in, and Emmett throw Jasper in.

How could my troubles be so bad? How could my life be so hellish if a place as heavenly as the bottom of the pool coexisted with it? What would be the worst that would happen if Jacob found out that I had imprinted on him? He would never leave Renesmee. No, of course not! They were perfect for each other, in every single way! But what was worst he could do?

Beat me up? Not likely. He could try, of course, but Renesmee and I were friends (although I was in love with her wolf). Bella and I were friends. Edward and I were friends. He would have to deal with them.

I shivered. The water seemed momentarily colder at this thought. Jacob versus the Cullens. Not fun. Not at all.

I suddenly realized I needed to breathe. I swam as fast as I could to the surface, breaking it with a gasp. Crap. Gotta breathe next time, I reminded myself.

My lungs heaved until my breathing was regulated again, and then darted back to the bottom.

I violently fought back a gasp when my face slammed into something hard, and stony. The bottom of the pool? No, the pool was metal.

It was Alice. She was sitting on the bottom of the pool, and I had slammed right into her.

"Watch it, silly," she said.

WHOA!

She said it! The vampires could talk underwater as clearly as if they weren't in the water!

I tried not to gasp again, and shot back up the surface, and broke it with a huge gasp for air when I grabbed the side of the pool for support. Alice was next to me in a split second.

"Hey, there, silly bean," she sang, sitting on the edge of the pool, her skin super-shiny from the water.

"Hiya," I sighed in between breaths.

Alice was smiling brilliantly at me. I smiled back, heaving myself up to sit beside her. She kicked her feet in the water gracefully, but it had just as much a reaction as her diving did, creating a whirlpool in the middle of the pool. I couldn't help but laugh loudly when it sucked Jared under. He resurfaced two seconds later, gasping for breath.

Alice was still smiling, glancing only for a second towards Jared, laughing, before she turned her gaze back to me.

This time, I looked back at her, my face contorted in an awkwardly confused stare.

"You're staring," I said, although I doubted she needed to be told.

"So are you, Seth," she said, her eyes sparkling.

I had a sudden feeling of shock in the pit of my stomach when I realized something important...

Edward must have told her. Of course. She wouldn't have "seen" it, with her special ability, of course.

"Edward told me," she whispered, so low only I could hear.

My face turned down, but I tried to force it back up a little bit, turning my face into a frightened grimace. I felt a lump form in my throat, and the fault line on my heart tremble unsteadily.

My hand twitched toward my chest, but I held it down.

I leaned toward her, shaking like crazy. I whispered into her ear, and my voice cracked.

"How-...I d-..."

"Seth, it's okay," her sing-song voice whispered into my ear.

What? Okay? No. I didn't believe that. For one thing, I was helplessly in love with a guy! And another thing, I was falling apart on the inside, and my heart was waiting for the moment when I couldn't control my mind, and Jacob found out. My heart stuttered at the thought of that. It took a second for me to regain control.

"No," I whispered, mortified and wounded. "It's never okay."

Alice's angelic smile disappeared. The face that replaced it was enough to send another ripple through my heart. I felt tears form in my eyes when I saw her face.

It was broken, like she had just witnessed her best friend, or her brother, dying in a tragic car crash, or from a concussion. It was a face of helplessness.

My face crumpled in response, but I forced myself to regain my composure, as did Alice. She was better at it, and her angelic smile soon reappeared on her face.

"Seth, believe me," she said, but I could sense the pain on the back edge of her voice, pleading with me. "Everything is alright."

Reassurance began to revitalize my cold fingers, warming them, though they didn't physically need it. Alice's words, the way she said them, the truth and pleading behind them had broken through my shell a little.

"You have no idea what the future holds for you, or for Jacob," whispered Alice. "And neither do I."

I couldn't help but smile, and laugh the tiniest bit at this. Alice's apparent "blindness" involving the future of the wolf pack, or Renesmee, was one of the funniest things, but it was also a little sad for Alice. Being clouded like this made her uncomfortable, although she was used to it after a year and a half of it.

"But just because we don't know what the future holds doesn't mean it's bad," she went on, putting her cold hand on my scorching shoulder. "Wow, you feel really warm."

Crap. I could already feel a bad pun coming on.

"Probably cuz you got the hots for Jacob!" she whispered. She laughed again, the sound drifting through the air like wind chimes.

I shoved her shoulder playfully, although the action had no affect besides pushing me away. Noticing my failed attempt, she dramatically swayed to the left and made a groaning sound. Then she flicked her head back to me and smiled. This smile was cautious though, like she was waiting for something. What was she waiting for? For me to prove I was nuts? Ha.

I smiled back anyway, and my smile was interrupted by a sudden movement beneath us.

Jasper's hands (I recognized them by the scars) suddenly shot from the water, and grabbed Alice's ankles. Before she had time to squeal (she wouldn't have seen it coming because I was beside her), she was underwater.

I was glad that Jazz and Alice weren't as flamboyant about their relationship as Emmett and Rose. With Rosalie and Emmett, I would have expected them to suddenly start making out, but Alice gave Jasper a peck on the cheek before they swam slowly (or I guess it was slowly, for a vampire) towards the other end of the pool.

The party was over around midnight. Carlisle graciously thanked us for before we all loaded up into our cars and went home.

I felt very mopey when I got home. This wasn't at all usual for me. Maybe the party had left me drained: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Worry taunted my sanity from the brim of my subconscious as I sit on my bed, mp3 player in hand and headphones in my ears. Alice, I knew, wouldn't tell anyone. Not even Jasper. I closed my eyes and turned the music up until it was impossible to think. One of the many ways I would numb my mind before phasing. It worked better than a charm.

There's nowhere left to hide,

In no one to confide.

The truth burns deep inside,

And will never die.

Sing For Absolution, by Muse... One of their slower songs. One of their songs that I didn't listen to much, because it reminded me of...

I hit the "skip" button.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out.

Or looked down on...

Ha. No. Not helping.

Why does it feel like night today?

Something in here's not right today.

Why am I so uptight today?

Paranoia's all I got left.

No! Why did every song I pick remind me of... of-

I tugged the headphones out of my ears. (Note to self: that was kinda painful.) My hands found their way up to cover my face, and I let my head fall, placing my face on my knees.

Okay, I thought. Try again.

They're gonna clean up your looks,

With all the lies in the books,

To make a citizen out of you.

Finally, something painless to listen to!

I let Gerard Way's voice fill my mind, clearing it of everything else. All the worry had to vanish, all of it. Already, I could feel the haze in my head lifting. My God, did it need it.

The sensation was almost like deja vu. There was something else, besides music, that always cleared my mind, made me forget everything else, turned me into a carefree, happy punk again... Someone's voice.

No!

I cranked the volume up higher. If I needed to break my freaking eardrums, then fine. Anything to keep him out of my head.

Sanity slowly resurfaced... The darkness of the room around me was beginning to affect my consciousness. Sleep could be good for me, I guessed. Sleeping was better than being awake. Unconsciousness was so much better than sitting wide awake, with memories and worry swimming all around me, waiting for me to let down my guard one more time.

No. I refused to let my guard down. The music wasn't hurting my ears like it would have two months ago. I had gotten a little used to the blaring music and the bloodcurdling bass that erupted constantly from my headphones.

I mouthed the words of the song, distracting myself.

...because they sleep with a gun,

And keep an eye on you, son,

So they can watch all the things you do.

The music was growing quieter somehow. Crap, I must have unplugged the headphones a little bit. I looked down at the black mp3 player in my left hand. It seemed to be connected fine, but the light from the screen hurt my eyes.

My body was trying to force sleep upon me.

Defiance swept through me, and I whipped my head upwards, trying to sit up. A knee-jerk reaction if there ever was one. The action made me incredibly dizzy.

A low groan filled my ears. The headphones had fallen onto the pillow beside me. It took me a little too long to realize the groan had come from me. Another knee-jerk reaction to the dizziness this time.

I felt incredibly groggy. The last few almost sleepless weeks (excluding when I was at Jake's) were suddenly crashing down on me in one fell swoop.

I probably wouldn't even wake up tomorrow until noon. Maybe. If I didn't dream.

The mind numbing had worked. That mixed with the fatigue made it so I could barely even think straight. Good. Maybe, just maybe, the feeling would overlap into tomorrow, so that I could phase. Or maybe I wouldn't need to phase. Don't get me wrong, I loved being a werewolf overall, but the mind-sharing thing really set me off.

I sat up straight, and pinched my arm as hard as I could without drawing blood or inflicting permanent damage. The pain wasn't as bad as it should have been, but it woke me up. For however long it would keep me awake anyway.

Yeah. I loved being a werewolf. Mostly. The whole no-secrets thing was bad. At least I was willed enough to resist it partially.

There had been a few close calls though. Four times.

The first wasn't bad. The image of Jacob's face, smiling with glee, had broken through my numbness the first time I tried to clear my mind, after the week I was "sick". No one gave it a second thought. Literally. I could tell.

The second wasn't near as close though. Instead of Jacob's face this time, the thought of his body, specifically his arms, had slipped through my shield. Thank God, the only one of the pack that had phased was Iliana, the only other girl wolf besides Leah, but she is way too young to fully understand what I was thinking, and I phased back before she really realized who it was that had thought that. She didn't give it a second thought either.

It was the third one that really freaked me out.

Probably the most dangerous thought I had ever had. The night before, I had dreamed that I was sitting by Jacob, holding hands with him, resting my head on his shoulder as we both stared silently at the full moon above us. But Renesmee had appeared, a look of shock and betrayal crossing her glorious face.

Embry, Paul, and Collin were the only one phased, but Sam was on his way. I didn't even remember how it got back into my head, because I had spent hours blocking that memory out.

But I had the willpower to skip through the whole thing, right to Renesmee's face, not even remembering why her face was so shocked. The other three just thought I was crushing on Nessie, which would never happen. Pretty as she was, the thought of her sent painful shockwaves through my mutilated heart.

The fourth was nearly the same as the third. Leah caught a glimpse of Nessie's face from the back of my mind, and also thought I had a crush on Renesmee.

Another memory edged into my mind:

A bonfire. Bella in Jacob's arms, human and tired-looking. Kim and Jared sitting closely. My mother. The pack. And the council leaders just finishing the old stories...

"Burden," Quil had scoffed in a low voice. "I think it's cool."

I had nodded my head. By then, I had been a werewolf for about two months. And I loved it. I really loved it.

Trial after trial came. Being left out of the battle against the newborn vamps. Fighting Victoria and Riley alongside Edward, protecting Bella. Breaking off of Sam's pack to join Jacob's. Protecting Bella and Renesmee from the rest of the wolves. Getting my collarbone broken (no big deal, though) by Bella.

Seeing Jacob in pain.

Even though I wouldn't imprint on him for almost a year, it still hurt to see my best friend hurting so much.

And then I imprinted on him.

There was only one pain that matched the pain I suffered over Jacob. This pain maybe even overpowered the pain about Jake.

The pain in knowing that I was the cause of my father's death.

Tears welled in my eyes at the broken, suppressed memory.

Leah and I had been in a fight. It was the worst fight we ever had. I barely even remembered the stupid reason that we had been arguing in the first place. Oh, yeah: She had set a book I was reading on fire. I had walked outside that morning, around seven, to take the trash out, and there, in the backyard, Leah stood, the book engulfed in flames at her feet. That book had been somewhat special, because Dad gotten it for me on my birthday.

I remember dropping the trash and running at her. I had knocked her off her feet, but she landed a kick in the groin. I had doubled over in pain, but I got up and pushed her into a tree. She hit her head hard. That's when Dad came outside.

Leah transformed first.

It was the most terrible thing I had ever witnessed.

Her whole body shook like an earthquake, and then she exploded into a gray wolf. She threw me off of her, and I hit a tree, about 30 feet away. The anger I felt towards her turned into fear. The adrenaline rush sent me into a frenzy.

That's when I first phased. I remembered the pain, the overwhelming fear, the sudden heat. I didn't have time to attack Leah, which was my sole intention now. But I could hear her thoughts.

Her first thought wasn't even coherent. It was like a muted scream, and then a sob of terror.

Holy hell, was her next thought.

And then-

Dad.

Everything blurred then. I remember that my eyes locked on one single image: the image of my father's terrified face when he saw Leah and I.

Somehow, I phased back. When I awoke, I was in the middle of the forest outside of my house. I had only fleeting, strange memories. For a reason I didn't remember, Sam's voice had echoed through my head, trying to get me to calm down. I couldn't remember being uncalm though... Then I heard Jacob's voice, frantic, panicked. He was looking for Bella.

That's when I lost consciousness I suppose.

It was only after I sneaked home and got clothes (for some reason I did not know, I was naked) that I remembered my father's face.

Terrified, shocked. And then in pain.

I called Sam first. He was already on the way to my house. I hung the phone up and then broke down. I cried. It had been a while since I had cried. But these tears were fierce, relentless, but they were needed.

Sam, with Emily and Jared, drove me to the hospital. They said that Leah was somewhere near Seattle, and refused to phase back. They told me all about what had happened to me. But more importantly, what had happened to my dad.

I couldn't cry when I saw Dad on the hospital bed. The tears were all dried up.

He looked so suddenly frail, though he wasn't much older than Charlie.

I ran from the hospital in a broken frenzy, and phased. I didn't stop running, even when the others tried to calm me down. I was in so much pain. I wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop.

I broke off from this memory, and realized I was silently crying.

I reached up with my right hand and felt the tears on my cheek. There were a lot of them. I sighed. I had cried myself to sleep more than once when the memory of that fateful night many times. It had been more than a year since my father's passing.

The pain over Dad and the pain over Jacob were battling each other fiercely.

For the millionth time, I fell asleep, with two different kinds of tears streaming down my face.

The bitter, confused, cold kind for Jacob.

And the hopeless kind for my father.