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No.

It couldn't be.

I wouldn't let it be.

How?

How could it be even possible?

Despite my qualms, I felt a deep sense of hope and joy rising somewhere in my heart.

At the same time, I felt terrible for that feeling and I tried to mentally stomp it out.

Tried, and failed.

Nathaniel is here. I'm here. We could -

NO! No. We. Couldn't!

For Nathaniel's sake, I had to stay away.

But I wasn't a strong person.

What if I caved?

What if I caved and went back to find him? What if, doing that, I found him? What if he had already forgotten me? What if he'd gotten married to some other girl?

Even though I loved him and I wanted what was best for him, even though I knew that this was all the better for him, I couldn't help the feeling of dread. I couldn't help my heart speeding up and my breath coming faster.

If I allowed myself to even consider thinking that what Mandy had said about my not-being selfish by coming back to New York in the first place, then I would start to hope that I could be worthy of Nathaniel.

Even if, (ignoring my past selfish ways) I could be good enough for him, my coming here made being with him impossible. If he fell in love with me as much as I was in love with him, maybe we'd get married.

I knew where my anecdote was going, but I couldn't help feeling elated.

We could both get jobs again and move in together, this time as husband and wife.

(My heart felt warmer than it had in a long time and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up.)

We could have kids. I'd never liked kids, but Nathaniel's kids were a different story. I'd love thosekids. I'd want more. A house-full.

(My heart was so warm it was likely to blow up at any given time.)

But!I threw at myself. We'd end almost living happily ever after. We'd come so close! We'd have a housefull of kids and Nathaniel would be a great father, BUT, I would leave. Not intentionally, but I would leave. I would end up back in New York City. It was inevitable. This thing, this transportation between two worlds, it was unpredictable. I couldn't control it. It snuck up on me when I was least expecting it. It never came when I wanted it.

I would leave the Nathaniel that was in love with me. I would break his heart, just as I broke my own over him.

I would leave my kids, my kids that I would love, my kids that would love me. I'd dissappear without a trace, possibly never to see them again. And that wouldn't be just a selfish thing to do. It would be an utterly cruel thing to do.

I couldn't leave innocent children without a mother. I wasn't that heartless.

So what would I do? Lock myself up somewhere until I mysteriously ended up back in New York or I died?

"Sasha! Please! Answer!"

I blinked and let my eyes refocus. Ella was peering anxiously at me.

"Sorry," I said, "I'm fine. I'm fine - I just -" Ella should probably leave. I should probably stay away from her. For her sake.

"What? Sasha, how did you come to be here? How am I here? One moment I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor with bleeding hands in a disgusting old gown and now here I am in a beautiful, clean gown without even scabs on my hands and my muscles aren't aching and I don't know-"

She cut off and looked back at me.

I sat up. My heart protested furiously to what Ella was proposing.

"What? What do you mean? Why were you scrubbing anything? Ella, what happened to you?"

She bit her lip.

"It's my father. He - he got remarried."

I knew that. He was remarried to Hattie's mom, wasn't it? I didn't really remember Sir Peter but he couldn't be so bad that he'd leave Ella to Hattie's slaving, could he?

My confusion must have been evident on my face, because Ella smiled a little.

"Lucinda made Dame Olga and my father love each other - and so my father loves her from a distance and rarely comes home. Hattie told Dame Olga about the curse and so-"

"No. No way!" How low. How ridiculously low.

"-yes," she answered tentatively.

At least this wasn't my fault.

My heart felt hot now, and my blood boiled. I was angry. I hadn't felt any emotion other than dispair in so long that my anger felt good, somehow.

I was shaking with anger. I cared about Ella and what happened to her. And I'd always sympathized with her about her curse. That was bad enough. Now, though, someone was using this curse against her in worse ways than Hattie had.

"It doesn't matter," Ella said, watching my face carefully.

"Yes it does matter. It matters very much," I said curtly, "It's cruel."

As cruel as what I'd possibly done to Nathaniel if he'd fallen in love with me.

I stopped shaking suddenly, and my heard turned cold; my blood to ice.