There are some people who believe in human nature. For example, they might look at a small child who will later grow up and do something incredibly noble, such as create a moving piano concerto or write a series of beautiful unsent love letters, and say something like "that child has a noble nature". Or they might look at a small child who will later grow up only to do something terrible, such as set fire to a kindergarten or deliver an important message to the wrong person, and say something like "that child has a wicked nature". But somebody who doesn't believe in human nature might say that either of those children were blank slates, or even blank canvases - expressions which both here mean "merely children, who will grow up to commit some combination of noble deeds, terrible deeds, neutral deeds, and morally ambiguous deeds depending the complex interplay between various genetic and environmental factors". In a way, even grown ups are blank slates to a degree, and blank canvases to an extent, and we can learn what kind of slate we are as our the stories of our lives go on being written, and see what type of canvas we are as the events in our lives continue to be sketched. But there are some people that even the most ardent innatists - a phrase which here means 'people who are most certain about human nature' - would concede are at least something of a blank slate (or canvas). These are people for whom a variety of outcomes are imaginable, ranging from noble to treacherous. They are like blank slates, as happy to have an exceptional poet write a couplet on them as they are to have a wicked villain write the details for a nasty scheme. Or they are like blank canvases, as happy to have a wonderful artist paint a haunting image on them of the periscope of a submarine against a sunset as they are to have a greedy artist paint a forgery on them of an old and valuable painting. And as their new Guardian began lead the children into his studio, the Baudelaires met the blankest slates or canvases that they had ever seen.
"That man looks like a complete blank canvas," Violet whispered to her siblings, nodding towards a man wearing a green suit which covered every inch of his body, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.
"And that woman looks like a total blank slate," Klaus whispered to his sisters, gesturing at a woman wearing a red version of the same suit.
"Pinker," Sunny whispered to Violet and Klaus, meaning something like "as far as one subscribes to a compatibilist view of the universe, that person who looks like both a man and a woman is certainly a blank slate or canvas."
The Baudelaires watched the three people who were standing around the studio not looking at anything in particular. If the sudden appearance of three orphans was in any way an unusual thing to happen at the movie studio, they were taking it rather well. The Baudelaires felt themselves struggling to maintain an interest in the three colourfully dressed people for more than a few moments, their eyes and brain kept drifting away to look at more interesting things. Arwen San Conflegro watched them with a slight smile.
"Ah, I see you've noticed my employees. They are three of the finest character actors in this city, people would pay a fortune to have them act in their films."
"What makes them such good actors?" asked Violet.
"Look at them!" exclaimed Arwen San Conflegro, and the three siblings tried once more to fix their eyes on the three empty-looking actors. "Tell me what you notice about them, what distinguishes them," their guardian continued, but the Baudelaires could not think of anything.
"I'm not sure I can think of anything", said Klaus.
"Me neither," said Violet.
"Raffle," said Sunny, meaning "I'm drawing a blank too".
"Exactly, that's exactly right. They are, how does the expression go? Blank boxes? I mean that they can be made to perform in any role you can imagine."
"I think you mean a blank canvas," said Violet.
"Or a blank slate," added Klaus.
"Yes, that's exactly what I meant. And now that you've met my employees, the tour can continue!"
Now the Baudelaire children were very polite children, and they all felt (and I have to say that I agree with them) that they certainly had not met Arwen San Conflegro's three employees in any meaningful way.
"Hearing about somebody's acting potential hardly counts as meeting them," Violet whispered.
"And having somebody described as a blank slate or canvas barely constitutes an introduction," Klaus agreed.
"Numpy," said Sunny, and Violet and Klaus saw that she was right and Arwen San Conflegro was continuing his tour with no intention of providing any more introductions regardless of how the Baudelaires felt about it. The children hurried to catch up as their guardian walked towards one side of the studio. The studio was huge, and as the Baudelaires drew closer to where their guardian was leading them, their amazement grew. Their amazement grew because what had seemed like a few glass containers next to a drab grey slab turned into a huge, empty aquarium complex next to an enormous imitation roof. The imitation roof featured ladders emerging out of the floor, chimneys, nets, and harpoon guns lying around and was covered in feathers, and the floor of the empty aquarium was covered with fish scales and scientific equipment.
"This," Arwen San Conflegro said proudly, "was the set for my film 'Salmon Swim Once'. It was a film about a researcher who discovers that salmon exhaust themselves swimming up stream only to die once they reach the top. The researcher is horrified that so many salmon die for no reason, and so attempts to breed a new form of sensible salmon which can be trained to safely swim back down the river again instead of dying. However, the twist is that her efforts are interrupted by a flock of enraged eagles who prefer their salmon foolishly perishing at the top of the stream. The rooftop over there represents the roof of the research centre where the researcher attempts to fend off the eagles."
"Does she succeed?" asked Violet.
"Ah, to know the answer to that, you must watch the film! I wouldn't want to spoil the mystery!"
Violet nodded, but secretly felt that the Baudelaires had more than enough mysteries in their lives, and would be more than happy for somebody to spoil as many of them as they could. Arwen San Conflegro, however, chose to do no such thing, instead leading the Baudelaires to another part of the studio. The Baudelaires were astonished as what had appeared from a distance to be a pile of scrap metal and an overgrown archway turned into the inside of a submarine and the scene of an elaborate wedding. The submarine was a maze of metal corridors, passageways, hatches and control systems, and the wedding scene included a lavishly decorated cake and enough room for several guests.
"This was the set for my film The Wet Wedding. It is about a woman who is late for her cousin's wedding - or perhaps it was her second cousin, I can't remember. In any case, she is so late that she is forced to steal a submarine in order to make it on time. However, the twist is that the submarine actually belonged to the wedding celebrant, and so the wedding is in danger of being cancelled."
"So does the wedding go ahead?" asked Klaus.
"Ah, now I couldn't possibly tell you that before you see the film!" Arwen San Conflegro replied.
But before Klaus could point out that he was unlikely to watch such a ridiculous film and had only been asking to be polite, Arwen begin walking towards a third section of the studio. The Baudelaires were astounded as what had appeared to be a few colourful shelves next to a doll's house turned into an enormous library next to an extremely comfortable looking mansion.
"Zest?" asked Sunny, which meant something along the lines of "and what was this movie, presumably featuring some ridiculous twist, about?"
"Sunny is asking," said Violet, "what was this movie about?"
"Ah. This movie was the only unsuccessful film I've ever created. It was about a family who lives in a huge mansion which contains a vast library, and they read together and pass the time in comfort and happiness. I think the film did so poorly because it had no twist. The film industry is not ready for films which are a realistic portrayal of the world." Arwen San Conflegro looked at his feet, and then looked back up at the Baudelaires with a sad look in his eyes. "If one is a painter, one can paint a picture which captures the essence of an ordinary life lead by an ordinary woman in a way which is beautiful. And if one is a poet, one can write a poem which embodies the spirit of an regular life lead by a regular man in a way which moves the soul. But cinema audiences only want movies with exciting twists. They don't to see real life."
"But we know many people whose lives are real, - " Violet began.
"And full of surprising twists," Klaus finished for her.
"Danmarto," said Sunny, but her siblings chose not to explain that she meant 'you just chose an incredibly boring family to turn into a realistic movie'.
Arwen San Conflegro looked at the Baudelaires once more, with a changed expression - a phrase which here means 'in a way which reminded Violet of a spider looking at an insect flying too close to its web, and reminded Klaus of an eagle looking at a salmon swimming too close to the surface, and made Sunny feel very uncomfortable indeed'.
"Yes, perhaps you're right, Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. I'll have to give that some thought. But first, allow me to explain the finest piece of equipment in the entire studio - the Weather Machine."
It is a well known fact that most people, aside from Interior Designers, tourists visiting cathedrals and people who regularly need to stretch their necks, seldom look up. Hence, I have discovered over a life spent hiding from a wide variety of people that the ceiling is often the safest place to remain undetected, until one day when I found myself attempting to hide from a group of Interior Designers visiting a cathedral while recuperating from a mild neck injury. And so while Violet had spent time looking at the three blank slates employed as actors by Arwen San Conflegro, and Klaus had spent time looking at various movie sets, and Sunny had spent time looking at their new guardian, it had not occured to any of the Baudelaires to look up.
"Look up!" said Arwen San Conflegro, and up the Baudelaires looked, and felt very strange as they saw the weather machine at work. The high ceiling of the Studio was hidden by a thick layer of cloud, so realistic that the Baudelaires felt like they were outside, and not in a studio at all.
"Right now, the weather machine is set to 'stratus nimbulosis, no rain, daytime, comfortable temperature.' I will show you the machinery upstairs, you can switch between day and night, any cloud type you can imagine, and simulate glaring sun, rain and snow. It's an amazing, though surprisingly tiny, piece of machinery upstairs."
The three Baudelaires look up at the clouds in awe, and Violet took a hair ribbon out of her pocket. Her siblings knew that this meant the gears of her inventing brain were whirring - a phrase which here means 'Violet was attempting to figure out how such a weather machine might work'.
"Now, you've seen the studio - let me show you the house," said Arwen San Conflegro, gesturing towards the staircase in the centre of the studio wall furthest from the front door. He led the Baudelaires up the stairs in the centre of the studio. The walls were covered with photographs of films in production, there were photos of the films Arwen had described, submarines and laboratories and huge but cinematically uninteresting libraries. There were also photos of other films, the plots of which the Baudelaires had no familiarity whatsoever. There were people arguing on board a ship, people sword fighting on a construction site, people playing cards in the basket of a hot air balloon, and people writing irritated letters-to-the-editor on horseback. There were photographs of camera operators operating their cameras, film directors directing films, scriptwriters writing scripts, and actors wearing all kinds of subtle disguises appropriate for the delicate medium of film, as opposed to the overdone disguises suitable for the theatre.
After climbing the long stairway, the Baudelaires found themselves on a landing with three corridors branching off from it, but it was a very strange landing indeed. It has been mentioned that very few people are prone to looking up, but of course the same isn't true about looking down. One doesn't have to travel far in this world to see all sorts of people look down for a variety of reasons. A banker might look down to ensure her footwear is polished and free of marks, a waiter might look down to avoid making eye contact with a diner who might see through his disguise, and a tightrope walker might look down to remind themselves that it's important to pay attention. Upon reaching the stairway, the three Baudelaire orphans looked down for reasons which my research has been unable to uncover, though I might venture a guess - a phrase which simply means 'guess' - that the children looked down as a reaction to a feeling of uncertainty. I might venture further guesses that Violet felt uncertain about the way her guardian had looked at her and her siblings earlier, that Klaus felt uncertain about whether the Baudelaires would be safe with their new guardian, and that Sunny felt uncertain about whether Count Olaf would once again appear to prevent the three children from living peaceful lives. One thing that I do not have to venture a guess about, however, and can say with absolute certainty after spending as little as five minutes investigating the charred ruins of the Arwen San Conflegro's film studio. When Violet looked down, she saw Violet; when Klaus looked down, he saw Klaus; and when Sunny looked down, she saw Sunny.
"The floor is a huge mirror!" said Violet.
"And so are the walls!" said Klaus as he raised his eyes to look at Arwen San Conflegro and saw that the walls of the landing were as shiny and reflective as the floor.
"Carrolt!" said Sunny as she noticed that even the doors were simply huge mirror with handles attached to them.
"Isn't it wonderful?" said their guardian, but hye didn't wait for the Baudelaires to answer his question. "My goal in my films is that the audience should watch the film but see themselves reflected back at them, and I've captured that in the interior design of my house."
"Kaleidosh," said Sunny, and Klaus explained that she meant something along the lines of 'this interior design is very disorientating'.
"Yes, I understand where you're coming from. I'm afraid that the upper storey of this house is not at all designed in keeping with the open plan of the studio," Arwen San Conflegro told the children, even though this was not at all what Sunny had been referring to. "In fact," he went on, "there are a lot of corridors and non-structural walls. The corridor to your left leads to my bedroom, bathroom, and the Editing room, where I edit all of the footage into films. The central corridor leads to the kitchen, dining room, mechanical workshop, and library. The right hand corridor leads to your bedrooms."
Arwen San Conflegro glanced at his watch. "Now it's getting quite late, the sun will have already set and I never like to be awake during the night, as I'm sure you'll agree, but because it is important that I show you around the house I suppose I can make an exception this time. You can explore your bedroom on your own, but I'll show you where the kitchen is so that you can make yourselves breakfast in the morning."
As the siblings followed their guardian down the central corridor, which you shouldn't be surprised to hear was lined entirely with mirrors, the children struggled to get their bearings - a phrase which here means 'were disoriented by the infinite copies of themselves and each other which extended in every direction they cared to look'. The only break from the endless mirrors was the outline of various doors, and moderately sized black ovals hanging from the ceiling.
"Look up, Violet Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, at my new, state-of-the-art sprinkler system! If there is a fire anywhere in the building, my Vaporous Flame Dampeners will spray water wherever the fire is. I absolutely despise fires, that's why I have an electric stove. I hope cooking on an electric stove won't bother you Sunny?"
"Improlvio," Sunny answered, and Violet explained that Sunny was comparing Arwen San Conflegro favourably with Aunt Josephine - a phrase which here means "praising Arwen's practical decision to replace a stove he was afraid of, rather than inconveniently preventing the Baudelaires from using any kind of stove at all".
"That's good to hear," said Arwen San Conflegro with a serious look on his face. "So there's no need to worry about a fire here, Baudelaires, not while you're standing under my Vaporous Flame Dampeners."
"That's very good to hear," said Violet.
"We've had a lot of problems with fires recently," said Klaus.
Arwen San Conflegro, rather than responding as you or I might with a sympathetic comments about the unpleasant consequences of fires in the lives of the Baudelaires, turned to the siblings with a gleam in his eye and made an announcement.
"I have an announcement! I was going to wait to tell you tomorrow, but I find myself too excited to hold it in. Baudelaires, you gave me a fabulous idea for my next film. I am about to start working on it immediately and you are going to be my star actors and actresses. The film is going to be the definitive history of the Volunteer Fire Department," he said with a grand flourish of his hands.
Perhaps even more so than a young child, a prospective film can be said to be a blank slate or canvas. The film could be about treacherous villainy prevailing over all that is good and noble, or it could be about nefarious criminals being dealt with appropriately by the authorities so that decent people can live peaceful, quiet lives. And a film about the VFD, whose mysteries grew and swirled around each other, and whose inner workings seemed as endlessly clouded as the ceiling of the studio itself, was perhaps the blankest slate or canvas that the Baudelaires could imagine.