"A film about VFD," said Violet, as she shuffled her feet uncomfortably.
"That's right. And who best to play members of VFD in a film, than members of VFD in real life!" said Arwen.
"But are we really members of VFD?" Violet asked.
"And don't actors usually play members of organisations in films, rather than the members themselves?" asked Klaus.
"Oddys?" said Sunny, which meant something like 'and wouldn't making a film about VFD be an extremely difficult and dangerous project, full of traps and pitfalls?'
"Those are excellent questions, Violet Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. At least, I assume that your question was excellent" - he looked down at Sunny - "although I have to say I didn't quite understand it. And we should discuss them very soon. But first, I almost forgot to show you the Weather Machine!"
Arwen San Conflegro turned and started walking down another corridor, while the Baudelaires hurried to keep up. Eventually he stopped in front of a door, and opened it and ushered the three children into the room. There was no furniture, and thankfully no mirrors on the walls. In fact, there wasn't much of anything anywhere.
"Where's the machine?" said Violet.
"There it is," said her guardian, pointing to a small black box in the corner of the room.
"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed. She had been expecting something huge, with lots of gears and pipes and heat exchangers, to create something as grand as the clouds they had seen downstairs.
"Yes, that is the amazing Weather Machine. Go on, take a closer took."
The siblings walked towards the machine, and as they came close they saw that it had four dials on it. One dial set the temperature, one the rain, one the cloud type, and one the weather height. Aside from those four dials, the box was black and shiny. Violet didn't even bother tying her hair out of her eyes, because the machine simply did not have any parts for her to think about. There were just the dials, and in themselves they weren't particularly interesting.
"So this is it," she said.
"That's right. That little machine creates all that weather. Pretty amazing, don't you think?"
"Yes, it is."
"I'm sorry there isn't much to investigate. But don't worry, the workshop has much more to look at and take apart."
Violet stepped towards the machine and bent her head down to listen to it. She looked up at Arwen San Conflegro with a confused expression, but before she could say anything, he yawned loudly and started speaking.
"Well, I'm terribly sorry to say this, but I'm really quite exhausted and you must be too. I will show you to your rooms now, the library and the workshop will have to wait until tomorrow."
Arwen turned and ushered Klaus and Sunny out of the room, and Violet followed behind them. They walked through the strange and mirrored halls once more, eventually coming to another door. Arwen stopped and told the Baudelaires that this was their room, and that he was going to leave them and go to bed. They said goodnight to their guardian, and walked into the room.
It is not unusual for a person to have a mirror on their bedroom wall, especially if they are a make up artist or a mirror salesperson. But it is also not unusual for a person to have some of their wall space free of mirrors, perhaps painted white or covered in unpleasant floral wallpaper. In this sense, the room in which the Baudelaires spend their first night in their new home was fairly unusual. The Baudelaires had been expecting their bedroom to contain at least a few mirrors, but what they saw was even stranger than the corridors. The floor made of one single mirror, as was the ceiling. The mirrors on the ceiling made a giant upside-down 'V' shape, with two huge mirrors angling up to meet in the centre of the roof. The walls featured a small horizontal strip of unpleasant floral wallpaper, below which was another mirror at a 60 degree angle to the floor. The effect was that looking in almost any direction reflected one's face from the other side.
"I don't even know what to say," said Klaus, as children walked into the room. "I am lost for words."
Violet pulled a ribbon out of her pocket and tied her hair up to think. Unfortunately, moving her hair away from the side of her face immediately made her able to see seven more copies of herself in the mirror out of her peripheral vision. She quickly untied it and sighed. "Me too," she said and sat down on one of the beds. "Let's talk about it in the morning. I suppose that small bed is for you, Sunny, and I'm sure we could all use some sleep."
"I think you're right," said Klaus, yawning.
"Ickta," Sunny agreed.
***
The three children woke early as the morning sun bounced off all of the mirrors and into all of their eyes. Violet looked up at the angled ceiling, and saw her face reflected off the angled wall mirrors, Klaus looked to the side and saw the back of his head reflected off the roof, and Sunny woke up and immediately turned her head towards her pillow.
"Let's go and have breakfast as soon as possible, so we can leave this room," said Violet.
"Ghoble?" said Sunny.
"Scrambled eggs would be lovely," said Klaus. "Thanks Sunny."
Violet stood up and walked in the direction of the bedroom door, and so did Klaus and Sunny. Klaus walked to his right, but Violet walked to Klaus' left, and they both walked in the opposite direction to where Sunny started to crawl. Usually when someone writes that a person "found their way out of their bedroom," it is just a roundabout way of saying that they left the bedroom. However when your bedroom is surrounded by mirrors, it can be harder than you think to find your way out. For this reason, halls of mirrors are more often found at carnivals than in bedrooms.
Violet, Klaus and Sunny found their way out of their bedroom and walked down to the kitchen.
"Taiho," said Sunny with excitement when she opened the well-stocked cupboards and set to work preparing the morning meal.
"I'm glad you like the kitchen," said Violet. "While you cook, we should all discuss this film that Arwen mentioned last night. A film about VFD. Would we want to be in such a thing? Is it a good idea? and - Sunny, that smells delicious!"
"I don't think the delicious food Sunny is preparing is something we need to discuss," said Klaus with a frown.
"No, I was just mentioning it," said Violet. "I was going to say ... well, I don't remember what I was going to say. But the first two questions are very important."
Klaus opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything, the three Baudelaires looked up to see a man walked in who they would have sworn they'd never seen before, except for the fact that his green suit made it clear that he was one of Arwen San Conflegro's employees.
"Good morning, Baudelaires," he said in a quiet, unremarkable voice.
"Good morning, umm ... " replied Violet to the stranger to whom she had been introduced only the previous evening.
"Oh of course, my name, is Rick. It is nice, to meet you," he said in a slightly stilted voice.
"It is nice to meet you too, Rick" said Klaus, making a conscious effort to stop himself unintentionally imitating the awkward manner of speaking of the employee - a phrase which here means, 'stop himself from inserting pauses at inappropriate places in his sentences'.
"Counter, part?" asked Sunny, meaning something along the lines of 'and what are the names, of the other actors?'
"Oh of course their names are, Ilsa and Victor or Victoria," Rick replied.
"Victoror Victoria? That's a very unusual name," said Violet thoughtfully, and grew slightly sad as she remembered the similarly repetitious name of their deceased guardian Dr Montgomery Montgomery.
"No, no their name is either Victor or Victoria. You may call them, Victor if you'd like or if you'd, prefer you may call them Victoria."
There was a pause as the three Baudelaires wondered. Violet wondered how a professional actor could speak in such an awkward manner, Klaus wondered whether he would call Victor or Victoria Victor or Victoria and how one person came to have two names, and Sunny wondered why the actors wore their strange, single coloured suits.
Sometimes, one wants to ask another person a question but feels that it is too personal, or because the reaction of the other person might be difficult to predict. In this case, there are several options. A very rude or very brave person might run the gauntlet - a phrase which here means 'ask the question anyway, even if it might cause the other person to become hurt or react in a fearsome manner'. Another option is to ask a proxy question, which is a more polite question intended to help shed light on the question you really wanted to ask.
"How long have you been working with Arwen San Conflegro?" asked Violet, which was a proxy question for "how could somebody with such a strange speaking manner work as an actor for any length of time". At this point, Rick might reply that he was new to acting, or that he was a friend of Arwen San Conflegro, or another answer to Violet's proxy question which would also serve as an answer to her very real and very rude question.
"Which name does Victor or Victoria prefer?" asked Klaus, as a proxy question for "which one of Victor or Victoria's two names is their real name." At this point, Rick might reply with "they prefer Victor", or maybe even "they prefer Victoria", which would answer Klaus' question.
"Dilts," said Sunny, which was a proxy question for "why do you wear such strange clothing," but which probably meant something more like "Is your suit related to a part you are playing in a film currently?" Once her siblings translated the question, which they quickly did, Rick might explain that Arwen San Conflegro was currently creating a film about people who wear strange clothes, and that would answer Sunny's question.
Unfortunately, none of the Baudelaire children received answers to any of their true questions.
Rick looked from one Baudelaire to the other, and then to the plate in front of him. "Oh, I've been working with Arwen, San Conflegro for some years now. In fact there, is a picture in the corridor of me in one, of my favourite roles as a man waiting for a train."
"So you've always been an actor then," said Violet, in one last attempt to find out how an actor could speak so awkwardly.
"No no as a child I wanted, to be a mercenary and fight in foreign wars but my, eyesight is too poor."
"Oh," said Klaus quietly.
"So I ended up here as, an actor, instead. In fact the other two employees here followed, a similar pattern. Ilsa had intended to become an executioner but her hands, were too shaky."
"And what about Victor?" asked Klaus.
"Or Victoria," said Violet.
"Ipsofa!" cried Sunny, which wasn't a question at all, but was her way of telling everybody that their breakfast was ready.
Rick waved a hand in annoyance (at the question, and not the breakfast). "Oh I don't recall I think, they trained as a kindergarten teacher but left because the, job was so horrible. As for your question," - he turned to Klaus - "I find it to be, rather a silly, one. You might as well ask whether they prefer butter or cream. It's unanswerable."
Klaus and Violet looked at each other, and then down at the big bowl of scrambled eggs that Sunny had carried over to the table by herself.
"Nosophy!" said Sunny, which meant something along the lines of "that's not an unanswerable question at all!"
"Your question," he said turning to Sunny, "is however quite easy to answer and, the answer is no. The reason behind this, as you might like to know" - Sunny nodded, and he continued - "is that Arwen is not making any films at this, moment."
As he spoke, Klaus and Violet had stood up and gotten themselves some small bowls and spoons and started to eat breakfast. They offered some to Rick, who shook his head.
There was a pause as each Baudelaire considered whether they wanted to have one more attempt at asking proxy questions, or abandon their investigations into their new guardian's strange employee. Before they could decide, the kitchen door burst open and Arwen strode in and sat down.
"Did you sleep well, Violet Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire?" he asked as he picked up the fork that had been intended for Rick.
Of course, the Baudelaires had not slept well, as you will know if you've ever had the misfortune of sleeping in a room consisting entirely of mirrors tilted at strange angles. I myself have never had that experience, Arwen San Conflegro's mirrored rooms having been completely destroyed in the fire that destroyed the rest of the Studio long before I could investigate them.
"Yes, we did thank you," said Violet, not wishing to upset her guardian. "The mirrors sure are ... interesting."
"Yes, I'm glad you liked them. Very glad indeed. And what an excellent breakfast. May I?" he said, gesturing with a sweaty hand towards the bowl.
"Of course," said Violet.
"Have you given any more thought to your new film project?" he said as he scooped some scrambled eggs onto his plate. "I've been thinking about some changes, which I'll run by you. Hold on, my telephone is about to ring." Arwen stopped talking and sat silently, taking a mouthful of eggs. The Baudelaires liked scrambled eggs, but there was something about the way that Arwen put them into his mouth which made them uneasy. It wasn't so much that he put them in his mouth, it was more that he shovelled them in. But shovelling usually refers to somebody putting in large amounts of food quickly. Arwen ate only regular sized spoonfuls, but he still somehow made it look as if he were using something heavy and awkward like a shovel. Perhaps it was the way he gripped the spoon in his fist rather than his fingers, or perhaps it was the way he chewed so vigorously. In any case, the Baudelaires found it very unsettling to watch him eat. They didn't have to watch him long, because soon enough the telephone rang loudly, giving the three siblings a fright.
"There we go," Arwen said, standing. "Excuse me for a minute, Violet Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, I should take this call.
Long ago, the Baudelaire parents had told their children that eavesdropping was wrong. The conversation had happened on a Spring afternoon, when Klaus was about eight. He had brought home from school a novel about a spy, which some of his classmates had been reading. He had found it incredibly dull, as the spy went from one improbable escape to another, and spent a lot of time shooting guns at people. His father was reading aloud some of the passages Klaus had found particularly irksome, a phrase which here means 'caused him to think his classmates were silly for enjoying such a poor quality book'. One of them involved the Spy holding a stethoscope against a telephone pole in order to eavesdrop on a phone conversation. As you surely know, using a medical device on a telephone pole is entirely improper and unless you are, for instance, a telephone, you will find it very difficult to convert the electrical signals passing through the wires into human speech.
"Jimmy reached into his pocket and pulled out his stethoscope," Klaus' father read. "'Lucky I brought this,' said Jimmy. Jimmy held the stethoscope up to the phone pole and he could hear as clear as a clear day the conversation. 'Oh no,' said the voice on the telephone. 'We can't let Jimmy know that we're planning to poison the entire water supply of the city!'"
"Dad stop! It's too terrible," said Klaus.
"Oh, but I like it! I want to know what happens next!"
"Well, you don't need to, because the spy shoots all the bad guys and saves the town thanks to his eavesdropping."
"That eavesdropping invention would never have worked in real life," said Violet.
"And even if it did, you know that it's very rude to eavesdrop on the conversations of others," said her mother.
"Except if somebody is trying to poison everybody," said her father.
"But if you don't eavesdrop, how will you know if they're going to poison everybody or not?" said Violet.
Her father laughed. "That's just a situation where you'll have to exercise your own judgement."
"That means you have to decide for yourself," said Klaus.
"Not that you'll ever have to make decisions like that for quite some time," said his mother.
It is quite probable that somewhere during your childhood, your parents also warned you against the moral pitfalls of eavesdropping. Of course there are many reasons why they wouldn't. Your parents may be missing, in which case you have my deepest sympathy and understanding, or they may be spies themselves, given to eavesdropping at any opportunity.
But Violet, Klaus and Sunny's parents certainly weren't missing, because they were dead, though they were missing from the children's lives, and they probably weren't spies, at least not in the sense of Klaus' classmates' book. And so when their guardian began to talk on the phone in just the next room so loudly that they could hear every word from where they sat, they looked at each other and wondered whether it was wrong to eavesdrop on Arwen San Conflegro.
"We can hear every word he's saying!" said Violet. "I feel very uncomfortable eavesdropping like this."
"But what can we do?" said Klaus. "Should we leave the kitchen? And go back into our mirrored rooms?"
Violet shuddered. "There's no place I want to go less."
"Perhaps he's planning to poison everybody," said Violet.
Klaus laughed. "If I only had my stethoscope!"
"Kasky?" said Sunny, not understanding.
"Sorry Sunny, we are laughing about something that happened years ago, before you were born" said Klaus, but before he could tell Sunny about the terrible book about a spy, they couldn't help but overhear a word from Arwen San Conflegro that made the scene Klaus had been thinking about leave his mind at once.
The word that they overheard is a word which can mean "sticky situation" - such as finding onself trapped in a cage at the bottom of an elevator shaft. But it is also a name, if an unusual one, and it is the name that the Baudelaires heard their Guardian say on the telephone.
"The Quagmires have been found? Wonderful news. Yes, I'd be delighted to take them into my care."