Just when the children had finished their discussion, Arwen San Conflegro walked into the kitchen.
"Ah, children," he said as he sat down at the table. "I'm glad you're all here together, we can discuss the film."
Violet nodded. "Yes, we can. But before you say anything, we have all decided that we would be happy to participate in it.
"I'm so happy to hear that, Violet Baudelaire."
The six family members sat down and engaged in some small talk. 'Small talk', you probably know, refers to the habit humans have of discussing things which are of no interest in themselves but nevertheless serve a purpose by facilitating conversation. There are many times in life when the act of engaging in a conversation has value quite apart from the content of what is discussed. Small talk can be used to build rapport between work colleagues, for example, or to re-establish friendly relations after a fracas. The word 'fracas', as you probably also know, means 'breaking an expensive electronic device which doesn't belong to you', and you would engage in small talk with your friend to test whether they were still mad, how mad they were, and whether you need to choose between replacing the device and replacing your friend.
Despite the occasional social utility of small talk, it was not something the Baudelaire children were particularly fond of, and soon enough Violet found herself growing restless.
"May I be excused," she said to Arwen San Conflegro, planning to go for a walk and stretch her legs.
"Of course you may, Violet Baudelaire, you never have to ask such a thing in your own house."
"Thanks," she said, and stood up from the table and walked down the mirrored hallway of her own house.
Before she had walked five steps, Violet ran into Rick, who was still wearing his green suit.
"Hi Rick," she said.
"Hello Violet I've, been meaning to say, something to you," he replied, in his off-putting, lilting tone of voice. Of course if Klaus was there, he would have explained that Rick's voice was essentially the opposite of lilting, but he wasn't, so he didn't.
"Have you."
"Yes it's not, so important or, it is important but it's not urgent."
"I see," Violet said, but this only caused a flash of annoyance to cross Rick's face.
"The thing Violet that, I want you to understand is that Arwen's films are, very important to him and it matters, to him that he makes them.
And as long as he making, the films then everything here, will run smoothly but if, there are obstacles to the films then, you know the films unravel but every, thing is connected and one thing unravelling can make everything, unravel. Do, you see what I'm saying? That if you and your siblings do, not want to be, part of the film then, that could cause problems. Arwen wants, to treat you well but it's like a mirror the, reflections go both ways. It's an easy, thing for him to call the Daily Punctilio and tell, them he was wrong to clear your, names and you'll be, in trouble once, more."
Violet looked left, to her startled image in the hallway mirror, and then looked right, at her frightened reflection in the mirror on the opposite side.
"Did Arwen tell you to say that," she started to say, but before she could finish, she heard loud footsteps hurrying behind her, and turned to see her guardian hurry down the hallway.
"Oh Rick," Arwen called out.
"I've been looking for you everywhere. You see, the Baudelaires have just agreed to become the stars of our new film. Isn't that good news? I just thought I should let you know."
"Oh that's very, good news," said Rick. "I'm glad to hear, that that's, happened and, sorry." He looked apologetically at Violet, or perhaps at Arwen, and shuffled back down the hallway in the direction he'd come from.
"He's a strange employee, that one," said Arwen. "Tends to really get into the character, even when he's not filming. When he was playing a wedding celebrant, he was walking up and down that hallway trying to marry everybody off. It really was quite something."
"Is he playing a character with an unusual way of speaking at the moment?"
"No, why do you ask that? Anyway, let's get back to the kitchen-your brother and sister have quite a meal going in there."
After dinner, Arwen had Ilsa bring a pile of booklets.
"Children, here are your scripts. Each line spoken by your character has been highlighted and has the actor's name written next to it. See?"
Arwen handed Klaus and Violet their scripts, placed Sunny's on the table in front of her, gave one each to the Quagmires and laid another in the center of the dining table along with a number of smaller scriptbooks.
Klaus began to leaf through his script, pausing to look up at his guardian. "I've read a lot of plays, and it is usual for them to use the characters' names, rather than the actors'."
Arwen smiled and placed his hands on the table, fingers interlocked. "Of course, but that's only if the actors are prone to change. And besides, I haven't named the characters yet. I personally find it one of the hardest parts of writing a script."
Violet tilted her head slightly as she looked at page seven of her script. "You could write scripts about pre-existing characters."
Arwen San Conflegro laughed and shook his head. "Nobody who calls themselves a writer would show such a lack of imagination."
"Yes, you're right," said Violet, and she smiled at Klaus, who shook his head to think of such a thing, and Duncan and Isadora and Sunny felt the same way. After a few moments, during which time the children resumed their reading, Arwen spoke again.
"So children," he said, "read the scripts. Also, may I ask you to take one to Count Olaf, if you don't mind."
Arwen said nothing about the other script books he had placed on the table, but simply looked at them, occasionally picking one up and then placing it back on the table. You might be familiar with the tedious habit many people have of deliberately refraining from mentioning something which they obviously want to mention, to the point where you are forced to ask them about it.
Violet pointed at the small booklets. "What are those," she felt forced to ask.
"Those are an optional extra scene, where a character gets arrested"-Arwen winked at the Baudelaires-"but I'm not sure if we'll use it."
"I see," said Klaus in a small voice.
The children continued reading through their scrips, scanning the pages and picking out random words. Submarine, eagle, elevator, mountain, and so on. It would take me the entire length of a film script to type out all the words that their eyes passed by.
Violet was the first to look up at their guardian. "It's a little confusing. There are lots of changes of setting but it seems there's no overall plot."
"Ah, a good observation, Violet Baudelaire. But you see, there is just such a plot, only you have to look a little closer. There will be a villain, who is put aside, but escapes. Then there will be a pursuit, through all kinds of fantastic locations, and then the ultimate and unambiguous defeat of the villain."
"That doesn't sound like the story of VFD," said Violet.
"But it is. It might not be the whole story of VFD, which is far too complicated for a single film. What I will present on screen will the the archetypal story"-a phrase which here means a single story to represent all others-"of VFD. Nobility and unnobility and so on and so forth."
Violet nodded in such a way as to show that she had heard, understood, and not entirely agreed with everything Arwen had said. "I'll take one to Olaf," she said.
Klaus looked up from the scene he had been reading, which was set inside a prison. "Why do you want Count Olaf to act in the film anyway?"
"For two reasons, Klaus Baudelaire. One of them you already know. The other one is that his ridiculous, outrageous and proposterous blend of arrogance, self-aggrandisement and unchecked egotism combined with his utter lack of theatrical talent makes him a delight to see on screen. I am also interested in hyper-realist cinema, where only villains play villains, only heroes play heroes, and only people with long hair play people with long hair. My cinematic goal is to break down the barriers between life on film and life in life. Right now, the cinema shows our best imaginings of ourselves, but we do ourselves a disservice!"-Arwen raised his voice and suddenly slammed his open palm on the kitchen table-"Instead we should show our best selves, as we are! Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire! Duncan and Isadora Quagmire! The human spirit must be allowed to soar freely and truly across the cinema screen!"
Arwen stopped speaking, breathing heavily and looking about the room. The Baudelaire orphans new guardian looked like a man possessed, but a man possessed to accomplish something quite minor. He reminded Klaus of a man he had met who owned a shop which sold nothing but different varieties of spoon, 'a single spoon for a single purpose' was the motto of the shop.
"So that's why you want Olaf to be in your film," said Klaus.
"Yes. Yes, that's why," said Arwen, having calmed down rapidly from his passionate speech. "See children, I understand from reading about your unfortunate histories that the adults in your life have underestimated the cruelty that Count Olaf is capable of, but I want you to understand that I will never do that. I will handle him like I would handle a dangerous animal-carefully, under a close eye." Arwen paused, and seemed to be inspecting the backs of his hands, as if looking for some defect.
"Human hands," he said eventually, "are a miracle, the product of a billion years of tinkering''-he held up his left hand, fingers outstretched, and slowly grabbed a handfull of air-"the dexterity of movement is exquisite," he said, using a phrase which here means 'I'm going to give the Baudelaires reason to doubt my stability'.
"They built the world, children, think about that. Or don't, really, it's immaterial. But what is not immaterial, is that ultimately, Count Olaf is here because of you, and you are the ones who have suffered under his hand. And while I would like to use him in my films, I have capable employees who could take his place. So as your guardian, I will not order you to feed Count Olaf. He is here, in the house, and if you do not feed him, he will die here. Should that happen, my employees will deal with it." Arwen stood up from the table and pushed back his chair. "I am going to my office for a moment."
Arwen left the room, leaving behind a stunned silence - a phrase which here means 'five orphans who did not know what to say or do'. Isadora was the first to speak, and she spoke quietly, as if she were afraid of her own voice.
"So, should we ... should we feed him?" she said.
Violet and Klaus looked at each other, and at the two triplets sitting opposite them.
"We couldn't-" Violet began.
"-kill Count Olaf," Klaus finished.
"Banco," said Sunny.
Violet shook her head. "No Sunny, framing him isn't the same thing at all. This is different."
"If he goes to jail for trying to murder me," said Klaus, "it is the same as if he were going to jail for all those that he really has tried to kill."
"Or killed," said Violet sadly, and when Sunny started to speak again she held up her hand to stop her. "I'm going to feed him. Count Olaf is an evil man, and I would like to see him ... gone from our lives ... but we aren't going to murder someone for revenge. We aren't those people, and Klaus, Sunny-I won't let you become those people. I promised our parents that I would look after you, and so I will. Besides, if we let him die, what could we say when one of his associates came to murder us?"
Violet scooped extra helpings of food onto her own nearly empty plate. "No reason to wash any extra dishes for that filthy man though," she said, as she stood up and made for the hallway, carrying the plate and Olaf's script, minus the optional booklet. Klaus picked up Sunny and hurried after her, leaving the Quagmires sitting at the kitchen table. Of course, the Quagmires hadn't heard Arwen's false murder proposal, and did not know which optional scene was written in the little booklets on the table.
As the Baudelaires reached the hallway, they could here the ceaseless pacing of Count Olaf around the room. The heavy-looking door, with its genuinely heavy bolt, stood resolutely guarding the man inside.
"Count Olaf?" called Violet, as she knocked on the door.
"What is it, orphan?" came the sneering voice from the other side.
"I've brought you dinner."
"Why don't you open the door and bring it inside?"
"We're not going to fall for that," said Klaus, lifting the small opening at the base of the door as Violet slid the plate and script underneath.
"What is this terrible food? I don't want to eat more orphan cooking," said Count Olaf. "And what is all this paper?"
"Arwen San Conflegro cooked it, not us," said Violet, telling a white lie. She didn't feel bad, because she only told it that Olaf may enjoy the food.
"And that's the script for Arwen San Conflegro's new movie," said Klaus, telling the truth.
"And I suppose he wants me to be the star," said the voice of Count Olaf from behind the door. "It is good to have your talent recognised."
"That's right," said Violet, also telling the truth now, though she could scarecely believe it.
"This is wonderful, not only am the star of a show, I have the orphan slaves I've always wanted. I'm being fed like a king!"
"You're being fed like a prisoner," said Klaus.
"I'm a prisoner, am I? And what about you Baudelaires? What are you? You're even lower than me, you're the prisoners who have to take care of the other prisoners because the guards are too busy."
"We're not prisoners here," said Klaus, but he felt uncertain as he remembered the feeling of reaching the front door only to find himself unable to open it.
"So you can leave at any time, then?"
"Listen Olaf," said Violet, "children don't just leave their guardians, not if things are going well. They don't want to, whether they can or they can't is irrelevant."
"And immaterial," added Klaus, using a word which here means 'irrelevant.'
"Let me tell you something I was told once by a chaperone of mine. She said, 'If you never move, you never notice your chains'."
"Just read your script, Olaf," said Violet, as she closed the hatch and turned back down the hall. Her siblings followed close behind her as they walked back into the kitchen.
When the Baudelaires returned to the kitchen, they saw the Quagmires had began to wash the dishes, and Arwen San Conflegro had returned and was sitting once more at the table.
"Oh Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaires, just to set your minds at ease I explained to Duncan and Isadora Quagmire everything about that extra little script book. I thought it was best if everything was out in the open, I hope you don't mind. We agreed that it was best to keep quiet and not speak of it until you've made your decision. We wouldn't want anything to be overheard, for example."
Violet looked at Isadora and Duncan, feeling guilty for not explaining it earlier.
"I'm sorry I didn't explain while we were in the workshop," she said to Duncan.
"And I'm sorry," Klaus said to Isadora, "that I didn't fill you in while we were in the library."
"Don't be silly," said Duncan.
"It's totally understandable," said Isadora.
The Baudelaires felt relieved, and then a little guilty again.
"And we respect that you want to make the decision yourselves - we'll say no more about it," said Duncan.
Violet and Klaus looked at each other. On the one hand, they were glad that their friends were so understanding about their omission. On the other, they were a little disappointed that the Quagmires showed no desire to help the Baudelaires decide what to do.
Readers interested in the story of the Baudelaire orphans, rather than the tangential musings of the narrator, may wish to skip the following paragraph: At this point in the narrative, I am reminded of signs-not street signs, or those used in sign language, but a broader class of signs. A sign is something with a meaning beyond itself, such as a short word which invokes a complex concept. There are two schools of thought on signs. One school considers two categories of related objects: one, signs, and two, the things that the signs signify. So a stop sign is connected to the concept of stopping your car at the intersection. The sign, and the concept it refers to. But, as with everything, there is another school of thought. This second school of thought holds that there are three players in the sign game. there is the sign, the thing that it signifies, and the person that it is signifying the thing to. To know what the sign is supposed to signify, you need to know the context of who is receiving the sign. If two people receive the same sign, it doesn't mean that the sign will be signifying the same things to both of them. At this point, you might sigh, and decide you're sick of signs. If that's the case, then I'm sorry to have bored you, but I did warn you.
If you skipped the previous paragraph, welcome back. Just so you don't miss anything, the point of the last paragraph, which was about signs (but not necessarily street signs or those used in sign language). The lesson from it was that just because you think somebody is thinking the same thing as you, doesn't mean that they are, even if they think they're thinking the same thing as you.
"Before I go to bed, I need to brief you on the state of the script," said Arwen San Conflegro, interrupting the tangential musings of the narrator. "Filming is starting very soon indeed-in fact, tomorrow morning. First of all, I need you to look at scene one. Duncan Quagmire, Isadora Quagmire-leave the dishes for the time being and come and sit at the table. That's the way," he said as they sat down. "Now look at scene one, at sea. You all need to get started immediately. Klaus-the script needs to be updated to include realistic dialogue between the sailors, you need to research nautical terms in the library. Violet-the submarine hatch is broken, and as you can see here at line 75, it's a very important prop. I need you to fix it. Sunny-the sailors need to be eating realistic sea-dishes like fried fish and sauteed seagull. Quagmires! You have to learn your lines for this important scene on page 12, and help Klaus and Violet with their research and repairwork respectively. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and work on the film too. Good night, Violet Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, and good night Duncan and Isadora Quagmire, and good night to all the people who we hope to see again, and those we know we won't."