Nathaniel.
I felt like I was strangley disconnected from my body. Like I was left drifting. And I'd drifted miles away from anything physically there.
The only thing I had to cling to was that name: Nathaniel. But the named seemed empty; it didn't have a value.
It was just a name.
I was only thought; no emotion, no feeling, no heartbeat, no breathing...
There it was again!
That time I was sure I'd heard it: Nathaniel's voice.
I knew it was his voice, though I didn't know how I knew that or who he was.
It sounded like he was calling from a very long distance away.
But it was probably my imagination getting the better of me.
Who was he?
Why would he be calling me?
I heard it agian.
But Nathaniel was in Kyrria... wasn't he?
How did I know that?
I was -
Where was I?
And what was he saying?
I tried to think.
I tried to remember.
I tried to concentrate.
All to no avail.
I just couldn't remember.
I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't really think very hard either.
Nor did I want to.
Something, something was nagging me.
Something, something, in the very back of my mind.
I couldn't quite call it to the front.
Something important.
But I couldn't remember what it was.
And it didn't seem to bother me.
I vaguely wondered why.
But mostly I just calmly floated around until the feeling that I might be forgetting something changed into the feeling that I was forgetting something vitally important.
The feeling kept nagging me and nagging me until I began to panic.
Strangely, even my panic seemed surreal and distant. But the question remained;
Why couldn't I remember?
What couldn't I remember?
"Miss!"
There! I heard it again!
It was Nathaniel's voice all right.
Somewhere far away, I felt my lips curve into a smile.
But why was I hearing Nathaniel's voice?
How did I know that the voice belonged to a Nathaniel?
No matter, it didn't really make a difference. I was hearing it, and that was enough for me to be exultant.
But I couldn't remember why hearing this gravely voice would make me so ecstatic.
"...yoU HEar..." That was strange. Whatever was said before and after 'You Hear' was to distant for me to discipher, but the 'oo' in 'you' and the 'he' in 'hear' was perfectly clear and loud enough.
It had sounded like someone was talking on the radio. It would have to be one of those old radios with the volume dial. You'd had the volume all the way down. Then, suddenly, you turned it all the way up and all the way back down.
I wondered what he was trying to say.
Whatever was nagging me was starting to get annoying... from a distance. Like I was only dimly annoyed. Or I was greatly annoyed, but far away. What a strange feeling! How difficult it is to describe...
There had to be a way to remember what I was forgetting.
First of all: Where was I?
2nd: How did I get here?
3rd: Who was Nathaniel?
Well, before this I'd been... I'd been... Ugh! I couldn't remember that either! But I remembered Nathaniel. The name. I remembered that he was in Kyrria. I'm from New York. But I don't think I'm there anymore... So how did I get here? Where am I? I - I went to Kyrria... somehow. Then, in Kyrria, I must have met Nathaniel...
Then I remembered.
It all flooded back into my mind and I tried to push it back out.
I didn't want to remember!
But it felt like an iron bar was looped across my forehead (...forehead? How could that be? I don't have a forehead anymore!) and was dragging me down, down, down. But where?
It was dragging me faster, delving me further into the memories I didn't want.
Painful memories.
I could see everything now, all the memories flooding my brain.
Hattie, Olive, Ella, Mandy, Myra, Jemima, Gabby, Mom, and Dad - their faces flashed before my eyes.
Maybe I was dying.
They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you die.
But this wasn't what I imagined dying to feel like.
I was hurtling faster and faster, I felt myself solidifying, gaining body back.
The first time I'd landed in Frell, the finishing school, the garden, the forest, the ogres, the fireworks...
The kiss, the beloved kiss!
I was going further, a sense a dread befell me, though I didn't know why.
I could feel something closing in on me...
Suddenly, I knew.
I hit the most painful memory of all.
Nathaniel.
Nathaniel!
I'd loved him, I'd left him, I'd missed him, I'd gone back to him...
He was happy now, I'd seen him with her. The girl. And I couldn't hate her, because Nathaniel loved her.
I almost smiled.
That was so very, very much a lie.
Oh, but I could! I did hate her! I was so jelous! Jelous of her unselfishness, of her claim to Nathaniel's love, of her normal life, of - of everything!
And then all hurtling, delving, and memories stopped.
I had a full body again.
I felt normal, but shaken, sweaty, gross. I could feel my tear-stained cheeks, my swollen throat, my spinning head.
I gasped and opened my eyes, only to catch my breath in awed surprise.
For Nathaniel's face wasn't a foot away from mine.
He stared into my eyes, his brow furrowed in a worried frown.
Author's Note: Please remember that Sasha has a tendancy to jump to conclusions... and PLEASE REVIEW!!!
Muchas gracias!
~Jade