Before Boston

by javagenesis

Lorelai and Christopher's marriage is over. Luke loves Lorelai, still. Lorelai never stopped loving Luke. But what does that mean for Luke and Lorelai? Find out in Before Boston.

2. Four Years After

This is the second installment of Before Boston where Lorelai and Luke meet again, four years later, in a Boston bar.

Let me know what you think through reviews and such. It's really encouraging to get your feedback. Sorry if there are mistakes, I haven't gone through and edited it yet, but oh well. Much love, JG.

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Four Years. It had been four years since he had seen her. She had never written, she had never called, and she had never made any move to contact him in any way humanly possible. He had never taken the initiative either, because she had asked him not to, but seeing her still made his heart race just like it had from the day he had first met her.

And now she was sitting on a barstool, only a few mere metres from him.

Her dark hair hung lose around her slightly slumped shoulders as she sat at the bar, a martini resting on the coaster in front of her. He watched as she let out a deep breath, staring blankly ahead at the bottles of alcohol that lined the wall opposite. He couldn't help but notice how worn out she looked. There were faint circles underneath her eyes, letting him know that she probably hadn't slept in quite a while. She was wearing a coffee coloured dress that painfully reminded him of the similar dress she had worn the last time he had seen her.

He considered not saying anything, just walking out of the relatively nondescript Boston bar and forgetting all about it. However even when he tried to turn around, he found that his feet were planted firmly on the ground. He didn't want to go without saying something, without making sure she was okay and maybe apologizing for that night, all those years ago.

It had been wrong to think that they could just go back to what they had been. A kiss- no matter how heated- couldn't solve everything, he knew that now. With her absent from his life for so long, he had spent a lot of the time he would have usually spent with her just thinking; about their relationship, their friendship, and all of the mistakes they had made.

The man swallowed hard, readjusting the black baseball cap on his head and taking the time to smooth out the wrinkles in his flannel shirt before he approached her. He didn't realize that he was worried about what she would think of his appearance. He wished subconsciously that he had worn something a bit more 'GQ,' because she had always liked those kind of clothes on him. She didn't turn when he took the seat next to hers and made no move to even indicate that she realized that he, of all the people in the world, was sitting next to her.

"Hi," He said softly, turning his head to look at her a little more closely than he had before. He had been right; she was exhausted. The rims around her eyes were red, like she had been crying for hours. Her eyes were puffy and a little bloodshot. It looked like she had been through hell.

She turned her head a little, looking a little startled to see him sitting there. She hadn't noticed that anyone was sitting next to her- that was how distracted she had been by her thoughts. "Luke?" She questioned in a small voice, a little hoarse.

"Lorelai," He said softly, her name rolling off his tongue like a love letter. It felt a little odd saying her name after all this time, but it still fell from his lips like it had always done. Perfectly.

Luke had only spoken and heard her name spoken once in four years. No-one had dared speak her name anywhere near him, or the diner for that matter. Not Miss Patty, not Taylor and not Babette. Not Andrew, Gypsy or Jackson. Not even Kirk had been able to pluck up the courage and risk mentioning her name. Her name had become a taboo of some sorts after an emergency town meeting a few days after that night, when it had been made clear to some of the townspeople that Lorelai was not intending on returning, ever.

Miss Patty and Babette were sitting in the diner, swapping the latest gossip over a cup of Luke's coffee and a plate of bacon and eggs.

"Did I tell you about the hen?" Babette asked, in a loud whisper, looking over her shoulder to check that Luke wasn't within earshot. He was scrubbing at the counter, so she figured it was safe to continue.

"No," Miss Patty replied, plucking up a little. A little gossip about the hen and the rooster was always good gossip. It had been just over a year since Lorelai had left but the town still hadn't recovered. She had been a big part of the town and so had Luke. Now he had become more of a recluse than ever, and sometimes you just couldn't eat at the diner at all. Most days the food was burnt and uncooked. Other days it was like nothing had ever happened. June 3rd had been a particularly bad day.

"Well, a movers truck came to the house, you see. And they packed up some of the stuff, not much though. From what I could tell it was only the things she had owned before the remodelling of the hen's coop. Some of her clothes went too and then the little chick showed up-"

"No!" Miss Patty responded. If the movers truck had showed up with the baby chick in tow, it meant that the hen was done.

"Yeah!" Babette responded excitedly.

"What did the chick say?"

"The chick chirped about the hen. She's settling apparently. She's found a place, found a new job and is trying to just build a nest. But the chick mentioned something about hospital visits too but she wouldn't say anything more when I asked," Babette informed Patty.

"Hospital visits? Building a nest? Does the rooster know at all?" Patty inquired.

"Not that I know of. He's such a hermit at the moment," Babette responded.

"Do we tell him?"

"I don't think so. It's been a whole year. She's not coming back and telling him won't help anything."

Patty nodded, agreeing, "Do you have the time?"

"It's just after nine. Eastside Tilly should be at the newsstand by now, broad," Babette answered.

The two stood up and moved out the door. Luke slowly straightened up and turned his back to the diner. He had heard every word and now he felt sick to his stomach. Settling? Settling down, with who? Where? Whenever he had imagined… Her… Settling down, it had been with him. And hospital visits? It killed him not knowing why she was going to the hospital. Was she sick? Was she hurt? It was even worse that he couldn't be there for her.

He reached the diner phone, automatically wanting to just call her and make sure she was okay. But then he remembered, he didn't know her number. He didn't know where she lived or what hospital she was at. Luke hung up the phone dejectedly, missing her and wanting her and loving her, knowing he couldn't do anything. She had asked him not to and he always had done what she told him to.

"What… What are you doing here?" Lorelai asked him, confused, but trying not to show it.

"I was meeting an old friend at a restaurant across the street, saw this place and thought I'd come in for a drink before I headed back to Stars Hollow," Luke explained quietly, not wanting to let her know just how worried her appearance made him.

"Oh, so, you're still in Stars Hollow?" Lorelai inquired, raising her brows and trying to put on a smile. She didn't want him to feel like he was obligated to her in anyway after what had happened. She didn't want him to know about all the mistakes she had made since that night.

"Yeah, well, y'know," Luke said with a shrug, feeling a little awkward about her wanting to know about his life. In truth, barely anything had changed since she had left. He had tried to start dating again but he had never gotten past the first few dates. April was 17, nearly an adult. But besides that, nothing had changed and he didn't want to admit that to her. Acknowledging that he had never really moved on was not really an option. She had made it clear to him four years ago that they wouldn't get back together.

"Yeah," Lorelai said softly, turning her head away again and hoping he didn't notice that she was almost ready to cry again. Smalltalk hadn't been on the agenda, considering the circumstances that had led to her seeking refuge in a bar at 6 p.m. on a Thursday night.

"What about you?" Luke asked, not missing her glassy eyes. "I mean, how have you been?"

"Ah, pretty good I guess. I've been living here, for a while now," Lorelai told him with a plastered on smile.

Luke nodded, trying to not look surprised. He hadn't ever really thought of her living in a city. It had seemed a little too conventional for someone as unique and idiosyncratic as Lorelai Gilmore. Whenever he had imagined where she was living over the last four years, it had never been Boston. It had been another small and crazy town.

He wanted to ask her to just tell him the truth about how she was, because she didn't look 'pretty good' but he knew she probably didn't want to tell him of all people what was wrong. He knew her well enough to know that. As she reached for her martini, he saw the diamond engagement ring on her finger.

"You're engaged?" Luke asked her, genuinely surprised and a little upset at the thought of her marrying someone else. It was the Max thing all over again. Though he had to admit, he had always known she would move on. Lorelai Gilmore didn't pine for anyone. She didn't wait around like he did. She was his Ava Gardner, not the other way around.

"Until 36 hours ago, yes," Lorelai responded in a whisper, closing her eyes and trying not to let the tears in her eyes fall like they had been threatening too. She didn't want him to see her cry.

Lorelai held her phone to her ear with her shoulder as she flicked through her purse trying to find her pills. Rory had just reminded her that it was time to take her medicine.

"Ah ha!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I found them!"

"Good, now take one like the doctor told you to every day at this time," Rory ordered her mother over the phone. Ever since Rory had found out about her visits to the hospital and then afterwards, the doctors, she had been very careful to make sure her mother took care of herself.

"Alright, Hitler," Lorelai responded, opening the bottle and pulling out one of the little white pills that we're keeping her sane.

"So, I better go mum, but take care of yourself, alright? And call, if you need anything. I should be back in Boston in a few weeks, so I can go with you for your checkup," Rory informed Lorelai.

"Yes, that would be good. See you then, loin fruit," Lorelai replied happily. She didn't get to see Rory very often anymore but she enjoyed their conversations every night.

"Love you," Rory told her mum softly.

"Love you too," Lorelai answered, disconnecting the call. She took her pill then put the container back in her purse. Shoving the purse aside, Lorelai stood up and looked around the living room of her Boston apartment. It hadn't started to feel like home yet, even though she had been living there for three years. It just felt like a place she slept every night. There were no memories, not like the memories she had when she lived back… There.

Lorelai had to pinch herself softly. She wasn't supposed to think about that place, or him, or anything connected because it caused the panic attacks which had grown so bad a few years ago that she had to be hospitalised. It hadn't been her proudest moment that was for sure. She had been so ashamed about the attacks that she had hid them and the shaking that preceded them.

After the hospital, Rory had been called and had then intervened with Sookie and her parents to force Lorelai into taking better care of herself. That had meant therapy and regular doctors visits. It had meant pills and talking about some of the things she had been burying. However she was told that until she was ready to face them and what caused them, the attacks wouldn't stop. And Lorelai was of the opinion that she would never be ready to face them, so she had kept having the panic attacks every now and then.

The therapy sessions had become the only place she could actually talk about some of the things that were troubling her. Usually, the talks were short and weren't about anything specific in particular. Just small things. One conversation Lorelai had had with her therapist had been specifically about flannel. She hadn't mentioned why it was significant, they had just discussed it. She had chatted about coffee and festivals and inns and anything that had ever been significant in the old life she had lived, without actually talking about the town or him or her house or any of the other people she had known there.

Lorelai glanced down at her hands, just to check that she hadn't started shaking. She shook her head after a moment after she caught sight of the diamond ring on her finger. "William?" She had called loudly, figuring she could interrupt his meeting with his secretary to ask if she was staying for dinner.

William didn't answer with a yell or anything, so Lorelai decided it was time to go looking for her husband to be. She had walked out of the lounge and into his adjoining office. She didn't make it past the threshold because she was too shell shocked to move.

Her fiancé was currently busy, screwing Allison on his desk. His pants were down and he was in her, as far as she could tell anyway. Allison's face was contorted with pleasure. And Lorelai just stood there, watching, unable to move or speak or do anything.

Then the blonde secretary had opened her eyes and had seen Lorelai standing there. "Oh my god!" She had screamed. William had turned his head and saw her there. She had stumbled back, nauseatingly sick to her stomach about what she had just seen.

"Lorelai! Lorelai!" William had called as she stumbled around the lounge. She found her purse and her coat and her car keys.

She turned and he was there doing up his pants. He took a step towards her, hands raised to touch her or hold her or do something like that.

"Don't touch me," Lorelai spat out.

"Okay, okay," William had replied.

"Look, I have to go alright. I can't stay here," Lorelai told him.

"Just wait, let's talk, please. I'll make her leave and then-"

"No! No talking, William. You were screwing her, in my house, while I was in the lounge!" Lorelai yelled at him, trying to make him understand.

"It only started because you were never around, Lorelai! You were always working or talking to Rory or at the hospital. You never let me help and you never talked to me about why you were having panic attacks. You were just never here," William told her, starting to get angry.

"You're making this my fault?" Lorelai asked him, incredulous.

"Well, you are partly to blame," William had replied.

Lorelai just looked at him before she turned and walked out the front door. She didn't stop walking till she was out on the street and in her jeep. It was only when she had put her hands on the steering wheel that she noticed that they were shaking.

"Oh, Lorelai," He said softly, suddenly realizing why she looked like such a mess. Luke had to bite his lip to stop him from pulling her into a hug as he watched a few tears sneak down her cheeks. Comforting her was overstepping a line that he couldn't come back from. They weren't together, they weren't friends. There was no 'they' anything.

"Sorry," She said, opening her eyes and looking at him apologetically.

"You do not have to apologize to me, Lorelai," Luke told her honestly. "Ever."

He watched as she looked down at the engagement ring on her left hand. Lorelai swallowed hard and hesitated before she slipped them off and put them down carefully on the bar. "I shouldn't have said yes when he asked me," Lorelai told him quietly, "I knew it wasn't right but I just wanted to feel something again. To feel safe, to feel loved."

"I'm sorry," Luke stated, a few moments later.

"You don't need to be. You didn't sleep with your secretary in my home. You didn't sleep with her on my bed, on my couch, on my freaking kitchen counter," Lorelai answered, openly letting a few more tears fall as she spat out the last few words.

"Lorelai, I am sorry…" Luke told her. "I know what it's like, to be committed to someone like that and then-"

Lorelai wiped at her eyes, saying, "It hasn't been a picnic."

Luke just looked at her, not saying anything. He didn't know what to say because he knew that there was nothing he could possibly say to make her feel better. Luke knew what she was feeling. He had felt it when he had found out about Nicole and again when he had found out about Lorelai, sleeping with Christopher, after their fight.

"It just isn't fair, y'know?" Lorelai asked. Luke didn't reply, just stayed quiet, letting her talk. "I mean, he blamed it all on me. It was all my fault that he slept with her over and over again, because I was never home, I was always working, because I never really loved him. It was all my fault that I couldn't feel anything. It was all my fault that he made the conscious choice to screw her in our home, even though I was in the room next door on the phone talking to Rory while he held a 'business meeting' in his study."

"It wasn't your fault," Luke told her simply.

"Yes, it was," Lorelai told him, looking him in the eyes as she spoke with quiet conviction. It sounded like she had told herself that so many times in the last few days that she had actually started to believe it.

The pain in her once bright blue eyes cut him. The last time he had seen her looking like she did was that night, that godforsaken night. If he could go back and change it, he would. Maybe then she wouldn't have run off to Europe because she couldn't face going back to Stars Hollow. Maybe then she wouldn't have stayed away from the town for four years, leaving an empty house that only Rory had dared step foot in a few times since. Maybe then he wouldn't be sitting here, watching her suffering all over again.

"No, it wasn't," Luke told her, more firmly.

Lorelai just sighed and stared at her martini.

"How's Rory?" Luke asked Lorelai. He hadn't seen her daughter for months. Now that her mum was no longer living in Stars Hollow, she didn't have much reason to visit. Whenever Rory did visit, she was visiting Lane and would stop in the diner for a burger and some coffee. Rory made sure to never tell him anything about Lorelai, which he assumed was done at Lorelai's request, but he still enjoyed her visits immensely. Rory had been like a daughter to him for years and he liked to think she considered him a father figure in her life, even after everything.

Luke turned around from the coffee machine as he heard the doors jingle familiarly. He couldn't help the hope that had bubbled inside of him. When he saw who it was though, the hope had slipped away. It wasn't her. But it was the next best thing.

"Coffee?" He asked Rory, taking in her appearance. She was wearing a sweater and a pair of jeans. A brown coat had been pulled on over top. Her hair was a little longer than it had been the last time he had seen her, which was a few months ago.

"It hasn't been that long, has it?" Rory asked, her big blue eyes twinkling a little. She was smiling, clearly glad to see him.

"Four months," Luke replied, pouring her a cup. "Danish?"

"Always," Rory responded with a smile.

Luke placed one on a plate for her and pushed it in her direction. "So, how's things?"

"Good, good. The campaign trail is going good. Barack is really gaining some momentum," Rory responded with a smile, sipping from her coffee.

"That's good," Luke responded, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. "And, um, other things?" Luke asked after a moment, before he lost his nerve. The conversation he had overheard between Patty and Babette had stuck in his mind for weeks. He needed to know that she was okay.

Rory looked up at him, hesitating to say anything because she wasn't quite sure what he was asking. Looking at his eyes though, she knew he had heard something from someone about what had happened. She ate a bite of her Danish before she said, "Better."

Luke just looked at Rory, hoping she would say something else. 'Better,' didn't mean anything. Better wasn't reassuring. She could have been on her death bed. If she was even just a little better, it didn't mean she was good or well or safe.

Rory bit her lip and avoided looking him in the eye.

"Rory, please," Luke said softly. He just needed to know.

Rory looked up at him again finally. She just looked him in the eye, trying to figure out whether she should cross the unspoken line between them, the line that was Lorelai Gilmore. She must've have seen the desperation in his dark blue eyes because she finally said, "She's doing much better. She's getting help. She's… Safe."

Luke wanted to ask what had happened, why she needed help. He wanted to ask for her number. He wanted to ask where she was, where had she had been. He wanted to ask if she had asked about him. Instead, he just swallowed hard and nodded. He was grateful Rory had told him that she was safe, if nothing else.

"Is she happy?" Luke asked Rory finally, voice barely above a whisper. It was the only safe question he could think of. It was the only thing he had ever wanted, for her to be happy.

"I don't think she knows how anymore," Rory told him honestly, straightforward and simple. "She puts on a smile but I don't know what she's thinking anymore. No one does."

Luke nodded, processing the information. "How much longer can you stay?"

"Not long. I have to stop in Hartford before I get back on the trail," Rory explained.

"Alright. Donuts for the road?" Luke asked Rory, acting as if their quiet conversation about she-who-must-not-be-named had never taken place.

"Thanks, Luke," Rory had replied with a smile, sipping on her coffee again.

"No problem," Luke replied.

"Rory?" Lorelai asked, surprised at his question.

Luke nodded.

"She's good. I haven't seen her in a few weeks, but I've been talking to her on the phone. She's been publishing a few articles online and travelling a lot, but I think she's enjoying it," Lorelai responded.

"That's good," Luke replied, glad to hear that the youngest Gilmore girl was doing alright.

"And April? How is she?" Lorelai asked after a moment, feeling obligated to return his concern.

"Good, too. Growing up fast. She's looking at colleges at the moment, so she's very excited and always seems to be talking a mile a minute about different degrees and courses that I will never understand…" Luke informed Lorelai.

"Oh, that's great, that she's doing so well," Lorelai responded, managing a taught smile.

They fell back into a long silence, both just looking at each other and noticing the small changes in one another that had occurred in the past four years. Luke couldn't help but notice the small lines at the corner of Lorelai's eyes, which were still the same brilliant blue that he remembered. Lorelai noticed that the shadows under his eyes were a little deeper and his face looked a little bit more drawn, more closed off.

"So, are you going to get that drink or am I going to drink by myself for the rest of the night?" Lorelai asked finally, managing a real smile. It was crazy that after all this time, he was here with her in Boston. She wasn't quite sure how to feel about seeing him again. Lorelai had very carefully cut him out of her life, and now he was here, and she was vulnerable… And looking at him, she got the feeling that they had never been over. Not really, anyway.

Luke smiled back at Lorelai, feeling himself slip into their old pattern of comfortable companionship with her. He turned to the bartender and signalled for a beer. The bartender obliged quite quickly, looking glad to have something to do during a slow Thursday night.

"Thanks," Luke said to the bartender, taking the offered beer.

Lorelai and Luke clinked glasses after a moment of hesitation. Luke sipped from his beer and Lorelai finished her martini, quickly ordering another. Neither of them said anything, both lost in their own thoughts.

Luke was stuck thinking about how he had coped without Lorelai for the last four years. Not particularly well, that was just fact.

Luke Danes was on a date. It had been nearly eighteen months since he had last been on a date. He had dressed himself up in the black sweater and shirt ensemble that… She… Had brought him years ago. He still couldn't form her name in his head. Luke was still in denial about everything that had happened between them. He had shaved and he had made sure to look for a decent restaurant.

He hadn't intended on going on a date at all. But then Teresa O'Donnell had entered his diner and had asked him out. Luke had been so close to turning her down but she had done this thing with her bottom lip, it had quivered or something, and he found himself agreeing. In retrospect, it had been because… She… Had used to do that whenever he said no to her, and of course, he had given in to Teresa just like had done for... Her.

So there he was, standing outside the restaurant they had just enjoyed a nice meal at. She had ordered a desert afterwards and had persuaded him to try it. It had been disgustingly sweet, just the kind of thing that… She… Would've ordered. And then Teresa had flipped her blonde curls over her shoulder and had ordered a cup of coffee. Luke had ordered tea and tried to not think about… Her… Again. But then she had ordered a second and third cup. It was inevitable that… She… Had come to mind.

Teresa was smiling up at him, babbling on about nonsense. Luke had nodded and smiled back at her.

"I had a really good time," Teresa told him.

"Yeah, me too," Luke had replied. He had, had fun. She was fun and vibrant. Teresa liked camping but she was also a little eccentric and crazy. The problem with her though was that she was too much like a raven haired, blue eyed woman he had tried very hard not to think about.

Teresa had then leaned up and pressed her lips to his. Luke had been surprised at first and it took him a moment to respond. His arms pulled her closer and she had deepened the kiss. Luke's hands had found themselves in her thick curls before he realised that something was wrong, that this, kissing her, was wrong.

Luke pulled away and Teresa had looked up at him with hurt in her brown eyes.

"Did I do something wrong?" She had asked, wrapping her arms around herself.

Luke had felt incredibly guilt as he looked at her. "No. You did nothing wrong. It's just… You're… You're not her," Luke had told Teresa quietly. "You talk like her, you eat like her… You even drink obscene amounts of coffee like her. But… You're not her. You don't smell like her. You don't look like her. You'll never be her. It's not fair for me to be in love with her and be with you… I'm sorry. I just can't do this."

Teresa had looked up at him, like she couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. To be honest, he could barely believe them either. They sounded pathetic and mean. But he was pining and he figured he would always be pining for Lorelai Gilmore. He couldn't shake her, no matter how much he wanted to. "Her?" Teresa had questioned, her face becoming a mask.

"Her," Luke had agreed.

Teresa had tilted her head a little, looking at him expectantly.

It had taken him a second to understand what he wanted. "Her," He repeated.

Teresa had kept looking at him.

"L… Lor… Lorelai…" Luke had choked out, struggling under the pressure of her demanding eyes.

"Lorelai," Teresa had whispered once.

Her name had sounded foreign on Teresa's tongue.

Luke just nodded.

"Well, I had a good time. Thank you, Luke, for tonight…" Teresa said to him. She had started to walk away from him but suddenly turned around and asked him, "Why don't you just tell her?"

"Tell her what?" Luke asked, confused.

"Tell her that you still love her," Teresa had elaborated for him.

"I don't know where she is. She asked me not to call, not to write, not to wait. I'm not doing very well with the not waiting part," Luke had answered, "I can, however, not contact her, like she wanted."

"Is she ever coming back?" Teresa asked.

"Yes… No… I don't know…" Luke had stuttered out.

"Well, good luck and I hope that she comes to her senses, because you're a really great guy," Teresa had informed him before she had walked away.

Luke had watched her leave, thinking that when it came to dating Lorelai Gilmore, he had been anything but a good guy. He had hurt her, repeatedly. He had kept things, life changing things, from her for months. He had finally gotten her and he had just ruined everything so much so that she had run away because she couldn't stand to be living in the same town as him.

Luke sipped his beer, thinking about Teresa. He looked out of the corner of his eye at Lorelai, absentmindedly comparing the two women in his mind. Dark curls, blonde curls. Blue eyes, brown eyes. Tall, short. They were different, but similar. If he hadn't met Lorelai Gilmore, he guessed he could have been happy with Teresa. It wasn't Lorelai's fault of course that he was stuck on her. It was just the way it was. Lorelai had always been his kryptonite.

Lorelai couldn't stop feeling guilty about how she had treated Luke. She had run away from him because she couldn't deal with it. She had slept with Christopher. She had never really understood just how much she had hurt him by going to Christopher that night. Now that she seen William with his secretary, Lorelai could comprehend exactly what she had done to him. It made her feel sick. She reached for her martini, wanting to calm her nerves but pulled her hand back quickly when she saw it was shaking. She didn't want him to see. She didn't want him to know. It was a weakness, and she still had this idea in her head that he needed to see her as the perfect, Wonder Woman she had always tried to be.

Luke noticed her pulling her hand back quickly. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," Lorelai managed, her voice oddly even.

"You don't sound okay," Luke told her.

"Well, I'm fine," Lorelai responded. "Look, I should probably go. It's getting late."

Luke frowned as she stood, noting the anxious look in her eyes and the way she was keeping her hands shoved inside her pockets. "Are you okay to drive? You've had a few drinks," He asked.

"I'm not driving," Lorelai answered, averting her eyes.

"Let me walk you out," Luke said, standing. He pulled a few bills out of his pocket and shoved them on the counter, well aware that it covered both of their drinks and the tip.

"Alright," Lorelai said, her voice a little faint. She could feel her hands starting to tremble a little more but she was careful to make sure he couldn't see anything. "You didn't have to do that," She added, referring to the bills on the counter.

"Yeah, I did," Luke answered with a nod of his head. He walked with her out of the bar, holding the door open for her on the way out.

Lorelai didn't respond to that comment, concentrating instead on staying calm. She started counting inside her head, just like her therapist had taught her.

"It was good to see you, Lorelai," Luke told her with a smile.

"It was good to see you too," Lorelai responded with a tight smile.

Luke noticed the sudden coldness in her smile. He didn't know exactly what he had done wrong, or even if he had done anything wrong at all but he decided not to say anything. He wanted to end this night with her on good terms.

"Well, bye," Lorelai said, a little awkward. She didn't know how to end this chance encounter.

"Bye," he responded.

Lorelai turned and walked away, trying not to walk away too fast. She could feel herself start to panic a little more and it was worrying her. It hadn't started this strongly or this quickly for a long time.

Luke watched her walking down the street. When she reached the corner, she just kind of stood there, looking lost. He realised suddenly that she didn't know where she was going or what she doing. She didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to rely on.

Luke went after her. He ran down the street, feeling adrenalin coursing through his veins. He hadn't gone on a run in a while but he suddenly remembered why he had run track in high school. It was this feeling.

"Lorelai," He called out, just before she had seemed to make a decision about what she was going to do.

"Luke?" She questioned.

"You don't have anywhere to go?" Luke asked her, plain and simple.

"I have my apartment but I don't…" Lorelai trailed off, looking a little ashamed of herself. "I don't know if he will still be there."

"Come back with me," Luke said.

Lorelai took a step back, looking startled at the suggestion. "No," She said, without giving the idea any thought. She couldn't go back there. It would only make everything worse.

"Well, then let me come with you to your apartment. I'll make sure he's not there," Luke offered. He hated the look on her face. It somehow managed to be hurt and lost and panicky all at the same time.

Lorelai considered it for a moment. She was already in a bad place, she knew that. She was shaking and panicking. Spending more time with Luke would not help. Going back to the apartment wouldn't help. But she needed a place where she could deal with the attack when it started because she knew it would start, soon. "Alright," Lorelai answered finally.

Luke knew he couldn't drive anymore than she could after the drinks they had consumed in the bar, so he hailed down a cab.

They sat through the whole ride in silence. Lorelai concentrated on preventing or at least holding of the panic attack. Luke was busy trying to work out why she was so quiet and what was the reason for the strained look on her face. It wasn't particularly easy.

It took them a good twenty minutes before they reached the apartment. When they did, Luke saw Lorelai looking up at the building apprehensively. He reached over and gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze with his hand. He felt her freeze up a little at his touch and noticed that she was radiating heat.

Luke hesitated a moment before telling her, "You wait here. I'll make sure he's gone."

Lorelai nodded in response. She reached for her purse and handed him a pair of keys, saying, "5C."

Luke gave her a reassuring smile before getting out of the taxi and leaving her alone with her thoughts. He headed inside the apartment building and took the stairs to level five, all the while thinking about the look on Lorelai's face when he had touched her. It had looked like he had somehow stung her.

When Rory was 11 years old, she had made that exact same face when she had spilled some freshly brewed coffee on her hands. Lorelai had left her in the diner for five minutes because she had to run to Doosey's to pick up a couple of things. Luke had heard her sharp intake of breathe and had seen her bottom lip tremble. Lorelai had reacted pretty much the same, except she had winced a little and her lips had turned down in a distressed grimace.

He couldn't quite understand why. Was she disgusted with him? Had he hurt her somehow? He didn't think so. In all honesty, he thought something else was going on. But he knew that if he wanted to find out, he couldn't press her into speaking. Lorelai ran in situations like that and Luke was pretty sure he couldn't stand her running away from him again.

Luke reached the apartment and let himself in.

"Lorelai?" Called a male voice from another room. The voice sounded a little apprehensive to Luke's ear, and he couldn't help but think, 'good'. He hoped the asshole had spent the last few days enduring significant psychological trauma for what he had done to Lorelai.

Luke didn't answer, just walked forward into what appeared to be the living space. A tall, rather slimly built man was standing beside the fireplace. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a sweater, his dark blonde hair tousled.

"Who are you?" The man asked, sounding surprised and indignant all at the same time.

"I'm a friend of Lorelai's," Luke replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

He could imagine Lorelai with this man. He was good looking and had an air of confidence about him. Luke figured he was a real estate agent or something. He had that successful, car salesman look.

"I've never met you before," was all Luke got in response.

"I don't live here," Luke responded simply and with a shrug.

The man seemed to take a moment to process that. "I'm William," He said.

"Luke."

"Ah," William said, looking like he had finally made the connection as to who the hell he was. He looked Luke up and down before he asked, "You're him, aren't you?"

"Him?" Luke asked, confused a little by the question. It wasn't particularly clear who the man thought he was.

"You're the man- the flannel wearing man, the coffee making man, the Mr. Fix-It man, the diner owning man Lorelai never speaks of," William explained, standing up straighter. He eyed Luke with an expression that could only be described as jealousy.

"I guess," Luke replied. "I mean, I haven't heard from her in four years so I wouldn't have a clue if she speaks about me or if she doesn't."

William nodded. "She doesn't speak about you, ever. Not even to Rory. Whenever I asked about you she always just gave me this look. If I pressed her, she stood up and left the room."

Luke frowned at that information. She hadn't spoken about him to anyone? For four years? For a woman who never shut up, she apparently did a great impression of a mime. "Look, I think you should leave," Luke told William finally. Figuring out what Lorelai had been up to for the last four years and where he stood with her wasn't his priority. Looking after Lorelai was, and that meant getting rid of the guy who had reduced her to tears in a bar.

"I'm not leaving, not till I've spoken to her," William answered, taken aback by the sudden change in conversation. "It doesn't matter what you think anyway. You haven't been involved with her for years. You don't know anything about her or us."

"You're right, it doesn't matter what I think. I haven't been around, that's true as well. The reasons behind that is between me and her. The only thing that matters here is Lorelai," Luke said in a low voice. He was starting to get a little angry. This guy was a douche. Hadn't he hurt Lorelai enough? Now he wanted to speak to her, like he could somehow erase his actions with a few well chosen words? Not a chance. "Right now, Lorelai doesn't want to speak to you and I doubt she ever will. Lorelai is tired and she has no one in this city, or any other place to go, so you need to leave, now."

"But she has you, right?" William asked tensely.

"Yes, she does," Luke replied.

"But for how long? You'll just leave her again," William commented nonchalantly.

Luke blinked. Before he knew what he was doing, he was striding forward. He swung his right arm back and launched it at the idiot's face. "She will always have me," Luke growled, as William fell backwards onto the floor.

William cupped his nose in his hand. Blood had spurted down his face and onto the crisp white collar of the shirt he was wearing underneath the sweater. He was the kind of guy who probably had never been hit in his life.

"Get out," Luke told William brusquely, towering over him.

The man looked like he was about to argue or fight back for a moment before he saw the expression on Luke's face. He stood and scrambled for the door. Luke followed him out and down the stairs, making sure that when he left he didn't see Lorelai sitting in the taxi. It wouldn't do for her to get upset if he tried to speak to her or something stupid.

Luckily, William didn't notice the taxi, or its occupant. Luke took a moment to wipe the blood off his fist on his flannel before going and rapping his knuckles on the taxi drivers window. The taxi driver rolled down the window and accepted Luke's offering of a roll of dollar bills.

He then went around to Lorelai's door and opened it for her. Luke looked down at Lorelai and noticed that she was shaking a little. "Come on," Luke said quietly, "He's gone."

Lorelai nodded mutely and got out of the taxi, her purse in hand. Luke shut the door and watched as she walked off in the direction of the apartment, moving like a ghost. He followed behind her, carefully watching her as they walked silently up the stairs. She stumbled a couple of times and each time his hands reached out and steadied her. Luke was as much on autopilot as she was.

He still couldn't comprehend the fact that he had punched William after being in a room with him for less than five minutes. What William had said about him inevitably leaving Lorelai again had really cut him. He could only conclude as they walked up the stairs, that it was because what William had said was true. He always seemed to be the one leaving or giving up. Only the truth could hurt like that.

Luke had never been one to think of himself as someone who gave up. He had waited for Lorelai for eight years of his life after all. But when it came to being with her, he had given up so many times. He had never fought for her like he should of done. He had never been there when she had needed him.

Finally they reached the apartment.

Lorelai stepped into the living room and looked around like she didn't really recognise the room at all.

"Is that blood on the carpet?" Lorelai asked Luke, not turning to look back at him.

Luke shut the door behind them and stepped out of the foyer. His eyes found the red mark on the carpet she had questioned him about. "I punched him," He told her simply.

"Oh," Lorelai said softly.

Luke waited for her to say something else on the subject, but she didn't. He watched her quietly, noticing that her shoulders were shaking a little and she seemed to be concentrating intently on something. What it was, he had no clue. He considered hugging her or something, but he wasn't sure if it was allowed or not.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Lorelai said abruptly, leaving him alone in the living room.

Luke frowned. Something was seriously wrong, he knew that, but he didn't want to try and guess as to what it was. Instead, he stayed where he was standing in the living room, assuming she would come back out in a few minutes.

Twenty minutes passed, and still Lorelai had not returned. Luke was started to get seriously concerned. He moved cautiously through the apartment, subconsciously taking note of where the kitchen and dining areas were. He saw that there was a guest bathroom and a couple of other bedrooms. He assumed one was sometimes occupied by Rory and maybe Sookie and Jackson if they visited over a long weekend.

Luke hesitated outside the door Lorelai had disappeared through before decidedly turning the door knob. He was in her bedroom, no doubt about that. A mess of clothes and shoes lay in a heap beside a chair and there was a furry, zebra striped alarm clock on the nightstand. Pictures of Rory and Lorelai over the years were scattered around the room in frames, serving as a kind of photo album. However, one notable thing about the room was that Lorelai was not in it.

Luke noticed light creeping out from under the closed door of an en-suite. He knocked on the door quietly, and called, "Lorelai? Are you alright?

"Go away," He heard her call back in a strained voice. Through the door he heard a series of odd, choking sounds or gasps. Luke wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew sure as hell that he wasn't going anywhere.

Luke turned the doorknob and stepped into the bathroom. Lorelai was balled up beside the bathtub, gasping and crying, shaking and sweating. Luke stared at her for a second before he rushed to her side. He knelt down beside her and pulled her up against his chest. Lorelai tried to pull away, but he kept her in his tight grip. Slowly, he started to stroke her back.

"You're alright, you're alright," He whispered against her hair as she shook in his arms. "You're safe, I've got you," Luke told her over and over. His hands moved in a circular motion against her back, holding her to him like a child.

It was a long time before she stopped shaking and even longer till she stopped crying. He could feel the damp places on his shirt where her tears had fallen in abundance. Still, Luke kept holding her to him. He wasn't willing to let her go. Not yet, anyway. "It's alright, you're okay," Luke told her again. He heard let out a soft whimper and he had to stop himself from going to go find William and punch him again. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to be hurting like she was.

"I'm sorry," Lorelai whispered, her face pressed against his chest.

"You don't have to be sorry, Lorelai. You're upset," Luke answered, kissing the top of her head softly.

Lorelai pulled away from him, and he let her go, figuring she had recovered enough. She shrugged off her coat and dropped it to the floor, her face puffy and red. She ran a facecloth under some warm water then wiped her face with it, letting out a long sigh.

Luke watched as Lorelai stared at her reflection in the mirror, occasionally wiping again at her face with the cloth. Every now and then he caught her glancing down at her hands, checking for something.

"Would you like some tea?" She asked finally, putting the cloth down.

"Peppermint?"

Lorelai nodded, walking out of the bathroom and heading out into the kitchen. Luke followed her, still not sure whether he should bring up what had just happened or not. It wasn't like Lorelai to just break down like that. He had never seen her so vulnerable, so broken.

Lorelai set to work boiling a pot of water for the tea and flicking on her coffee machine as well. Luke just leant across the kitchen island, watching her as she worked.

"Did you want to talk?" Luke asked her.

"About what?" Lorelai questioned, looking up at him with her blue eyes.

"About what happened, back there, in the bathroom," Luke answered.

"No."

Luke nodded before saying, "I think we need to because, that wasn't normal. It's definitely not normal for you to be lying on the bathroom floor, crying, shaking and making those weird, choking, sounds."

"Well, I don't want to talk about it," Lorelai replied shortly.

"It's not normal, Lorelai," Luke repeated.

Lorelai sighed and then admitted in a small voice, "It is normal for me now, Luke."

"What?"

She bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. She busied herself by pouring him his tea and handing it over to him. Luke took it, eyebrows knotted in concern. Lorelai grabbed her cup of coffee and walked out into the lounge, taking a seat in an armchair by the fireplace. Luke sat opposite her on the couch, and watched her, just waiting for her to speak to him.

"Look, after that night," Lorelai began, "I was a mess. I went to my parents, of course, because I knew you would never, ever look for me there. I went to bed and when I woke up, I noticed I was shaking. I was sweating and then I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think. I don't know how long it was before it all stopped but it was quite a while I think. It wasn't until later that I kind of accepted that I had just had a panic attack."

"A panic attack?" Luke asked with a frown. Lorelai Gilmore was having panic attacks. He couldn't comprehend any of it.

Lorelai nodded, confirming. "Yes, a panic attack."

"But why?" Luke asked softly, looking at her, concerned.

Lorelai just looked at him. She wasn't ready just then to tell him that it had all started with him. She needed to explain more of the story first. "Well, I kept having them after that first one. But I didn't really want anyone to know about them. It was a weakness and I guess I always felt the need to be Wonder Woman, especially when it came to being strong and brave. So I didn't tell Rory or anyone, except that guy at the Day and Night store this one time. He found me standing next to the magazine racks and I didn't want him to think I was crying over the fact that denim jackets were out of fashion... Anyway, I just hid all the shaking and the crying. I got pretty good at it, actually. I was pretty much the Golden Girl of hiding panic attacks. If it was an Olympic event, I'd win gold. But hiding them was bad, y'know? I got really sick. I wasn't sleeping. I was barely eating or drinking and one day I just fainted in the middle of a mall after I saw something that set off the attack because I was so exhausted, so drained… My body just couldn't handle it anymore."

Luke nodded, willing her to go on. He could tell there was more to the story even behind all the babbling. He knew her well enough to know she used humour as a way to lighten the mood when a conversation was getting too serious for her to deal with. A survival instinct, or something.

"So an ambulance was called, and then of course Rory was contacted, and then my parents and Sookie. So everyone all of a sudden knew about them. The doctors explained the situation but they still couldn't get me to talk because I didn't want Rory to know about why or all the details, because she's my little girl. She'll always be eight years old with pigtails and her nose stuck in a book to me. Of course that didn't make them stop asking questions. They all ganged up on me and forced me to start going to therapy. It was actually pretty good, not at all like the Dr. Phil/Oprah mashup I had been imagining. I mean, I could chat about random things and occasionally my therapist would ask a question but it wasn't necessarily specific to the actual problem. She just let me talk and say things at my own time and at my own pace but eventually she figured out the problem. Of course she did, because she has a degree from Harvard so she's definitely not Bus Station Billy or anything," Lorelai said, rambling again to try and lighten the information she was sharing with Luke.

Lorelai wasn't quite sure why she was sharing any of it with him. It wouldn't be easy on him, when she admitted why she had started having them in the first place. It certainly hadn't been easy to let him hold her before while she was like that. Admitting the problem was always the hardest part, or at least that's what her therapist had told her.

After a moment, Luke took the opportunity to just ask her. "So why did she think you were having the attacks, Lorelai? It must've been pretty bad, considering you were in hospital and everything," Luke commented, trying to not appear too serious. He didn't want to scare her off or anything. She was finally right in front of him, after four years of not being there, and he didn't want to ruin it. But he needed to know. It had killed him, not knowing what she was doing and now he finally had the chance to hear all about it, directly from the source.

Lorelai laughed a little, saying, "Yeah, pretty bad." She took a sip from her coffee before she continued with her explanation, "Well, she noticed that the things I chatted about were all very connected to the life I had led in… Stars Hollow."

She took a moment to grin to herself, feeling a little triumphant. Lorelai noticed Luke's puzzlement at her smile and offered in explanation, "I can say Stars Hollow now without shaking. It's a big achievement, considering I've said it three times now in one night. My therapist, Kate, also noticed that I loved festivals and inns. She asked me if I had been to any recently- festivals or inns- but I told her I hadn't. She asked me why, I said I didn't know. And then I babbled on about fries for twenty minutes before I finally broke down and told her that festivals and inns were related directly in my mind to Stars Hollow. At the time though, I hadn't actually been able to say Stars Hollow so she had to guess from what she had found out from Rory and my parents in previous sessions with them…"

Lorelai took a moment to breathe. She hadn't remembered this session with Kate for a long time. Avoiding things was a specialty of hers. She took another sip of coffee before she continued her story, allowing herself to actually remember the session as she narrated it out loud to Luke.

"So, this place, where you lived before the attacks began is connected to festivals and inns?" Kate asked her patient, her eyes switching between Lorelai's wary face and the notepad on her lap.

Lorelai nodded. "I loved the town and I loved the people. I lived there till Rory was finished with Yale, so over twenty years of my life," Lorelai had explained.

Kate nodded, staying silent and letting Lorelai just speak when she was ready.

"After Chris and I broke up I found it really hard to stay there. In the house, the Crap Shack, there were all these memories, good and bad. More good than bad. Most of my memories had to do with Rory growing up in there. But it was the bad ones that made it so hard. Everywhere I looked, I saw Chris and…" Lorelai had trailed off, staring blankly at the wall above Kate's head. She had been so close to saying his name.

"And?" Kate had prompted.

"Nothing, nothing," Lorelai had whispered, shaken out of her thoughts by Kate's question. "In the end, it all grew too much. I couldn't deal with anything so I left. I went and stayed with my parents in Hartford, booked a flight to Europe and didn't come back to America for over six months."

Kate had nodded thoughtfully in response to Lorelai's story, clearly knowing there was a bit more to the story than Lorelai had let on.

"I love coffee," Lorelai said suddenly, as if just remembering her affection for the dark brown liquid she practically lived on. "I mean, it tastes so good. Sometimes I want it in an IV. It's always been there for me, through the good times and the bad- except that day we got snowed in at the inn and we ran out of coffee and I hated snow. People think I drink too much but they just don't know how dangerous it is for me to not have it. I go all Miss Cranky Pants if I don't have enough caffeine in my system."

"Would you like a cup now? I can go make you one? I found this amazing new blend and I think it's the best in the world," Kate asked the moment the babbling subsided.

"No, it wouldn't be as good as…" Lorelai trailed off, realising she had been about to mention him. She glanced down at her hands and noted that the shaking had started again.

"Remember, close your eyes and breathe deeply," Kate said softly, watching Lorelai follow her instructions carefully. It was obvious that they were actually getting to the root of the problem. They had been talking about random things for months now, but it was only when the subject of Stars Hollow came up that Lorelai had started showing signs of another panic attack.

Lorelai did as she was told. She directed her mind to remembering a happy memory; the day her parents had brought home the dollhouse. She had played with it for hours, creating little stories for all of the dolls, creating a happy little imaginary world. In her mind Lorelai picked up one of the dolls and noted for the first time, with a sharp intake of breathe, that it was wearing a flannel shirt and jeans.

Her eyes flew open and she looked at Kate who was watching her intently.

Flannel. Blue eyes. Blue cap. Coffee. Burgers. Fries. The ring. Bert. A kiss. A dance. An ice rink. The diner. The horoscope. The inn. Leopold and Lobe. Danish Day.

All of the memories came back to Lorelai as she stared at Kate blankly. She could feel her eyes well up with tears and suddenly she felt angry. Lorelai didn't want to be crying over him. She didn't want to be sitting in a shrink's office trying not to spill out her guts to a practical stranger. She angrily wiped at her tears with her sleeve, her bottom lip starting to tremble.

Kate handed her a box of tissues but remained silent, letting her recompose herself.

When Lorelai was no longer in the midst of a small breakdown, Kate asked, "It wouldn't be as good as what, Lorelai?"

"His."

Kate nodded slowly, feeling like they were on track again to finding the root of the panic attack problem.

"Luke's, it wouldn't be as good as Luke's coffee from Luke's diner," Lorelai said after a while, feeling the need to elaborate. "He was my best friend… For ten years. And he loved me for a long, long time. I don't know how long, years before he ever made a move. He always made sure Rory and I were fed, when we were struggling financially and even when we were fighting, usually over something stupid. Luke's coffee was the best but he hated I drank so much of it. He hated my eating habits and my babbling and my obscure references. But he was always there, with Bert, with coffee or burgers or fries, with his stupid flannel shirts and his stupid backwards baseball cap. He gave me $30,000 once just to help me finish the inn because he wanted me to be happy, to have my dream."

Lorelai paused, considering their relationship before she continued, "He never expected anything in return. I know I should have made a move earlier but it was never the right time. There was Rachel and Max and the whole Jess thing and Nicole and Alex and Jason and it was just never right between us. I couldn't admit it to myself but when he finally asked me out, it was amazing, like I was seeing him for the first time. I realised I had loved him the whole time. It was why I had never married Max. It was why I felt weird about having a key to Jason's apartment. It was why I just broke it off with Alex. It was why I had been jealous of Rachel and then Nicole."

She wiped at her eyes again as she let herself remember everything that had happened, everything she had tried to block out, "When it was good, it was so, so good. I wanted more and I knew he loved me and he had always loved Rory so I asked him to marry me and he said yes. I don't think I've ever been so happy. But that was when everything started to fall apart. I had my fight with Rory and then he found out about April and he kept it from me and started pushing me away. I felt everything slipping away and I got drunk at Lane's wedding and said things. He wasn't there to hear them but the whole town covered up for me because they could see I was hurting and they knew I wouldn't want him to know. Then my parents were buying us a house and I couldn't do it anymore because I knew it wasn't going to happen. I asked him to elope because I was desperate and he said he needed time to think, to figure things out and I knew it was over because he shouldn't have had to think about us, about whether he should marry me then or not."

Lorelai took a deep breathe before she recounted what happened next. It had been one of the lowest points of her life and she knew it wouldn't be easy to actually talk about what happened. "I walked away then and I went to Christopher's because I knew he would comfort me and would understand me. I couldn't go to Rory or Sookie because then I would have to admit things and I would have to deal with things. I slept with Christopher. It was the worst thing I could have done because I knew Luke hated him and I knew Luke was insecure about my relationship with him, because he was Rory's dad and there had always been this thing between us. I went home and I was upset but I tried not to show it and then Luke came to the house and I couldn't tell him about Christopher. I just told him it was over and it killed me because he looked so hurt and lost and confused. He showed up again later, his truck all packed and ready to elope with me. He said this big speech about how I couldn't just decide and how he needed me in his life but it was too late. I told him I slept with Christopher and he just looked at me like he didn't recognise me and that hurt, hurt so, so much. It was really over then," Lorelai said, finishing in a whisper.

"Later on Chris talked me into starting a relationship with him and I went with it because there was this huge hole in my life where Luke had been and I just wanted to fill it, to feel something other than anger and pain and emptiness. Christopher didn't fit though, but I still married him in France because Luke hated me and I thought it was my only chance of getting the whole package- kids, a husband, a real family with a dog and a house with a white picket fence and matching jogging suits. When Luke saw the ring I felt so ashamed because I hadn't told him and I could see in his eyes just how much it hurt him and it hurt me. Chris and I broke up eventually because he knew I had never stopped loving Luke even though it hurt so much to just see him and talk to him and hear about him. I don't know if anyone had told Luke about us, about Chris and I," Lorelai admitted with a shrug.

Lorelai sighed, starting to speak again, "Next thing I knew a few months had passed and I was at this town wedding, Gypsy and Andrew's. I hadn't wanted to go because I knew Luke would be going but I owed Gypsy and Andrew my support for everything they had done for me over the past few years. So I went and it was hard to see Luke there, happy and with April, his daughter. I went to the bar and I tripped over my own feet and then he caught me, just like he always used to. I didn't realise at first that it was him who had saved me, but when I did, it all came back to me and it hurt so much. We talked for a moment and it was awkward and hard but then Rory called me for Gypsy's bouquet throwing. I hadn't even intended to try and catch the bouquet. I was just going to stand there and drink my martini. But then she threw it and suddenly I was putting down my glass and reaching for the bouquet. I caught it."

"No one seemed to realise how much it hurt. I was staring at this bouquet and thinking, it should've been Luke. It always should have been Luke. I should have married him, not Christopher. I should have walked down the aisle in a white dress with a gorgeous bouquet and he would've been standing there, looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. But he didn't because we weren't getting married and he hated me, or at least I thought he did. I kind of panicked so I went back to the bar and I was downing martinis because I couldn't deal with any of it and he was there again, asking questions, checking if I was alright like he somehow cared all of a sudden if I was okay. I got angry and he wouldn't leave me alone. Luke asked if I wanted to talk, I didn't. So instead he asked me to dance because he knew I liked to dance, even though he hated dancing. So we dancing and then this slow song came on and he was holding me too close and I was crying and his lips were on my hair, just like before. I ran of course, because that's what I do when things get too hard," She told Kate, a little bitter.

"I was eating ice cream later because I thought that wallowing was the next obvious step. Luke showed up then and he knew things weren't okay and he knew I wasn't upset just about Christopher. It took a while but we started talking and things seemed like they were getting a little better. He told me he couldn't hate me. I didn't understand why because I had done everything possible to make him hate me. I had lied to him, I had slept with Christopher. But then we had this moment, I had chocolate on my chin and he wiped it and then he leant in to kiss me and I let him. I loved him so much and he was there and he wanted me and I hadn't felt wanted like that from him in such a long time. God, we were making out on the couch like a couple of teenagers. Our clothes were starting to come off. I wasn't even thinking, I was just going to sleep with him without thinking any of it through. Like what would it have meant? I never really considered myself slutty before but looking back, God, when it came to Luke, I was the biggest one imaginable. Then he whispered that he loved me and it all faded away…" Lorelai trailed off, remembering that moment. It had been seared in her mind. She remembered every detail from how his hand felt on her to what he had smelled like.

"He couldn't say things like that, not to me, not after everything. It hurt too much. So I got changed again and I ran from him, ran from Stars Hollow. I drove to Hartford because he wouldn't look for me there. My parents helped me by giving me a place to stay and then giving me access to some money so I could go away on a trip and thing things over. I think they could just see how upset I was and they just did what they could. I went to bed after I called Rory to let her know that I was are. I didn't tell her where I was because I didn't want her telling Luke. Seeing him wasn't something I could handle. In the morning I woke up and I started thinking about him, Stars Hollow and then I was shaking and choking. It was weird. I was confused. I couldn't really admit to myself that I had just had a panic attack because I was Lorelai Gilmore. I was strong. I didn't panic. I was controlled. I rang the travel agency, organised my flights and rang Sookie and Rory. I left instructions with Rory to tell Luke not to try and contact me or wait for me. I knew he would wait because I was the Ava to his Frank, but I didn't want him to. I went to Europe, I came back and then I met William," She finished telling Kate with a little shrug.

Kate nodded in response as things started to fit together a little bit more. "You ran from Stars Hollow because he was there?" She questioned, trying to get all the facts straight.

"Because Luke was there, yes," Lorelai confirmed.

"And you won't go back there, because you still love him and you know he still loves you and you are worried about how that will make you feel?"

"More like terrified."

"Alright," Kate said softly, considering all of the things she had been told. "This Luke and Stars Hollow, everything they represent and everything that reminds you of them is what causes your attacks, yes?"

"Yes."

"That day when you collapsed in the mall, what set you off Lorelai?" Kate asked.

Lorelai swallowed hard before whispering, "I thought I saw him. There was a guy wearing a flannel shirt, a blue one that looked like the one I used to wear to bed when we were together, and he had a baseball cap on backwards. I couldn't think or breathe. I couldn't see his face but I was just so certain that it was him."

Kate jotted down a couple more notes before she asked finally, "Do you love William?"

Lorelai took a moment to consider the question. She hadn't really thought about it, about love, because it had always been too painful. "Yes," Lorelai responded.

"Why do you love him?"

"Because he is here for me, because he loves me," Lorelai answered, not thinking it over.

"But you're not in love with him are you?"

"No," She whispered, closing her eyes, "I don't think I will ever be in love with anyone but Luke. I don't think I'm capable of it anymore."

Lorelai didn't tell Luke about the last few questions Kate had asked her. She didn't want him to know or feel guilty or feel like that there was chance for them to be something again. Being something was too much.

Lorelai let him think things through for a couple of minutes before she told him, "I'm going to go to bed now."

Luke looked up at her suddenly, having being startled out of his thoughts by her voice. "Yeah, of course," He said, standing up hurriedly. "I'll get going now. Ring me, if you need anything and I'll come back and help."

Lorelai blinked, confused, "No, don't go, Luke. You've had too much to drink and its late. You can't drive back to Stars Hollow, you'll end up in some ditch."

"Oh, alright, I'll sleep on the couch or one of the guest rooms," Luke told her, confused a little. He hadn't expected her to want him to stay after everything. After what she had told him, he wasn't sure how she could stand to be in the same room as him.

"Alright, well, good night," Lorelai told him quietly, standing up with her coffee cup and leaving him alone in the living room.

Luke frowned to himself, sighing as he leant back to rest his head on the sofa. What had he been thinking, letting her go? She had been through so much and it was all because he had let her think he didn't want her or love her. In reality, she had been the love of his life. Luke loved Rory and he loved April but Lorelai, Lorelai was everything to him. She always had been.

He couldn't quite believe that he head inadvertently been the reason she had ended up in hospital. She had been so scared, so terrified of seeing him that when she saw some random in flannel and a baseball cap she had collapsed. Lorelai, the strongest person he knew, had been reduced to a mess. Because of him.

She had married Christopher, but she had never loved him. That was news for Luke. He had always figured that in the end the feelings that had always existed between them had come to the surface. But she had just told him that she hadn't stopped loving him, and Christopher had known. Luke had been the reason for Lorelai's failed marriage just like how she had been the reason behind his failed marriage with Nicole. The irony wasn't lost on him.

Luke finished his cup of tea. He noticed that she had made it exactly the way he liked it, leaving the leaves in for a little longer than recommended. It was strong and sweetened with honey.

"Luke?"

Luke turned his head to see Lorelai. She had reappeared, now dressed in a pair of mismatched pyjamas and looking a little uncertain. "Yeah?" He asked her, eyebrows turning down a little.

"Would you, um," Lorelai said, wringing her hands nervously, "Would you stay with me tonight? In my room? I know it's a little weird, but I don't want to be alone tonight."

Luke nodded before he even considered how he would feel, sleeping in the same bed with her. "Of course," He told her, reiterating his nod as he stood up.

Lorelai smiled a little, murmuring a quick, "Thank you."

Luke followed her to her bedroom, and noticed she had changed the sheets since he had been in the room earlier. He didn't question why. He watched her as she awkwardly went and slipped under the covers of the bed, her eyes on him.

"Ah, I'll turn out the light in a moment," Luke told her, taking off his baseball cap and setting it down on a dresser. He shrugged off his flannel and left on his undershirt. Luke noticed that she had averted her eyes as he started to undress himself. He left on his jeans, but kicked off his boots and socks before he flicked off the light. Luke went to the other side of the bed and slipped in with her, unsure about how exactly he was going to manage to fall asleep with her right there with him.

"How was Europe?" Luke asked her softly, wanting to know if she had enjoyed herself at least.

"Ah, good, I guess. It was Europe, so it was all Europey. Castles, drugs and men with funny accents," Lorelai replied, turning her head to look at him.

"That's good, that's good," Luke answered. Europe had been a bust subject.

"Can I move closer?" Lorelai asked after a considerable length of silence.

"Ah, yeah," Luke said, holding his arm as she moved to shuffle closer. She rested her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Thank you," She whispered.

"Any time," He replied.

Luke was trying not to think about the fact that he was actually holding her in his arms. It wasn't quite the most appropriate time to be thinking about things like that. Then she shifted in his arms and he noted that she had been using a fruity shampoo, because her hair smelt like oranges and berries. It was a nice smell, he decided.

"Luke?" Lorelai asked after a moment.

He glanced down at her to see that she was staring at him with big, blue eyes. "Yeah?" Luke asked, voice very soft because he couldn't help but think that she was looking at him with a weird kind of need in her eyes.

"Please?"

Luke stared at her, trying to figure out what exactly she was asking for. Then he realised. She wanted him. "I don't know if…" He started but she cut him off quickly with, "I know, but, I just… It doesn't, I mean, it won't mean anything but I just need… You."

Luke swallowed hard before he nodded. He understood what she was asking and he understood why she was asking him, of all people. He understood. In that moment, he also felt the same way. He needed the release, something to help deal with the fact that it felt like ten million pounds of guilt had currently decided to take up residence in his conscience.

Lorelai leaned up slowly and pressed her lips to his, her eyes closing. Luke closed his eyes too, and just let himself kiss her. Thinking about the situation wasn't going to help. She wanted him right then. She didn't want to be alone. He knew she wanted to just not think or feel. She just wanted to… Be. Luke understood that. It was how he had felt that night after he found out about Nicole. He had wanted that after Lorelai had told him about Christopher, when he was sitting all alone in his apartment trying to figure out what had happened and why she had gone to Chris, of all people. Luke had still wanted her, even then.

"Just so we're clear, I didn't ask you to stay for this," Lorelai whispered against his lips.

"I know," Luke responded before leaning in to kiss her again. Her lips opened underneath his, giving him permission to slip his tongue delicately into her mouth. It wasn't lost on him that she still tasted the same- a mix of caffeine and unadulterated amounts of sugar.

They lay there, kissing and holding each other, blocking out all the bad memories. They were focussed only on each other and how it felt to be there, to have each other even after all this time. Luke's hands tangled in her hair and Lorelai moaned softly into his mouth. She slipped her hands under his shirt, feeling the hard planes of his back.

Luke pulled her up on to him, not stopping to pull his lips from hers even for a moment. Their kisses heated up a little, their need for each other growing. It had been too long.

"Lorelai, are you sure?" Luke asked her softly as she pulled away for a moment for a breath of air.

In answer, she pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it behind her. She nodded, leaning in to kiss him again.

His hands started to roam her body freely. He didn't care anymore if it was right or wrong to be with her like this. He let his hands stroke the sides of her body, skimming over her rib cage. They shared a passionate kiss that said all of the things they didn't have the courage to say to each other. Luke broke the kiss to move his lips down her neck.

Lorelai's hands found themselves in his hair, holding him close to her. She arched her back, lost in the sensuality of the moment. Everything she was feeling was intense and fervent, passionate and lustful. She hadn't felt this way since they had broken up and subconsciously, she was amazed that he could still incite such strong concupicense in her.

They continued to explore each other, slowly rediscovering all the little things about one another that had drifted to the back of their minds after years apart.

---

Lorelai woke up wrapped in a pair of a strong arms. She kept her eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of warmth that was radiating from the well built body that she was using as a pillow. She knew that the person the arms and well built body belonged to was Luke Danes, the man who had dropped everything to look after her and comfort her for what seemed like the thousandth time.

It was pretty obvious to her what they had done the previous night. They were both naked. She could tell that without even looking as their bodies were so entwined that it was an unmistakable fact. She lay there, enjoying the moment but knowing he would soon wake up and they would have to figure out what the ramifications of the previous night were.

Luke didn't wake up for a while longer, but when he did, the first thing he noticed was the body pressed against his. He frowned a little, eyes still closed, as he tried to work out in the depths of his groggy mind what had happened the previous night. He opened his eyes slowly, figuring it would be easier to just look.

The mass of wild, untameable curls that was resting on chest was his first clue. The way she was using him as a human pillow was his second. His third clue was when she turned her head to look up at him with warm blue eyes, still a little dazed from sleep. Luke knew who it was without a doubt. It was Lorelai.

Last nights events came back to him slowly and he wondered what the hell he had been thinking. Sleeping with Lorelai had not been the brightest idea he had ever had. Then he remembered that it had been her idea. He had just been the one to make good on the idea.

"Good morning," Lorelai said softly, wondering if he was regretting what had happened. Probably. He had that look in his eyes when he felt guilty about doing something he shouldn't have done.

"Morning," Luke replied, voice a little hoarse. "What's the time?"

Lorelai turned her head to look over at the fuzzy alarm clock on her nightstand. "It's ten o'clock."

Luke nodded, secretly proud of himself for thinking ahead enough to have Caesar open and Lane cover the lunch time shift. Forethought was a wonderful thing. "Did you want a cup of coffee?" Luke asked her, falling back into old habits.

She looked up at him and smiled, causing Luke to temporarily forget how to breathe. Lorelai moved off him, allowing Luke to move away from her. She pulled the sheets up against her chest as she watched him dress himself in his jeans and undershirt. He picked up his flannel shirt, hesitated, then tossed it over to her.

"Thanks," Lorelai said in reply, a little surprised at his offering.

He left the room then, going to make her coffee and also wanting to avoid seeing her body again as she dressed herself in his flannel. Luke didn't think he could handle it again. He was a man, after all, but he knew that whatever had happened last night had been a one time thing. As much as he wished it wasn't just a one night stand, it was all it could be, considering everything that had happened.

Luke set about making her coffee, nice and strong, just the way she liked it. He didn't have to wait too long before she had joined him. He smiled at her, thinking about how good she looked in the flannel. She as gorgeous and sexy and she somehow made his 'lumberjack,' as she had so fondly called it so many years ago, look like it belonged in some kind of dirty magazine.

"So, last night," Lorelai began, looking up at him underneath her dark lashes as she sat down on one of the bar stools that were placed beside the kitchen island.

"Last night, right," Luke repeated, continuing to focus on making the coffee. She could say whatever it was she needed to say to him first.

"That was something," Lorelai said finally, "Really something. I mean, that thing that you did, with your tongue…"

"Lorelai," Luke said as a warning. He didn't need a play-by-play of the previous nights activities. He was well aware of them. In fact, he was pretty sure they had been permanently embedded in the recesses of his mind.

"Right, right," Lorelai muttered, a little chastised. "Well, last night. I was upset and you were there, you know that. And I think you understand why I asked you to… Well, let's just leave it at that, right? We don't need to make a big deal out of any of this, right? We are adults. We've slept together before, though admittedly not in similar circumstances. I was in a bad place, and I still am, so I think you understand what I'm trying to say-"

"I do, understand, Lorelai," Luke informed her, cutting her off. She didn't need to ramble. He knew. He pushed her finished cup of coffee across to her, waiting for her to try the brown liquid before he asked the question that was currently on his mind.

Lorelai tried the coffee and shot him another breathtaking smile. "It's perfect," She told him.

Luke nodded, rubbing the back of his neck a little before he just asked her plainly, "Do you think we can just go back to being what we were before last night?"

Lorelai put her coffee cup down on the counter carefully. "No, I don't think we can," Lorelai told him softly. Even if they wanted to go back to being nothing to each other, she knew they couldn't. They had just dredged up all the feelings they had for each other. From past experience, she knew that they couldn't just turn those feelings off.

"So then, what are we?"

"I don't know, Luke. I don't know."

"You aren't coming back to Stars Hollow, are you?"

"I can't, Luke."

"I know, but…"

"Luke, I just don't know, okay? I just don't know."