13

I throw my phone down on the bed and rub my face. I'm frustrated. Kate, my easy-going, trouble-free friend with benefits, has been rattled enough to text me with another request to talk.

I consider refusing; telling her to forget everything and walking away, but I respect her too much to be an asshole about something that's not her fault.

Kate arrives a half hour after I reply. Up in my room, she listens carefully while I describe the past that Izzy and I share. The bonds forged in childhood and boundaries set and crossed. Hearts filled with hope and love and then smashed open, usually accidentally but always painfully.

I never wanted anything other than her, but for her, I was never enough . Each time she relaxed her arm's length hold on me and let me in, she'd panic and push me away again, crushing our potential in the arms of someone else.

She'd throw herself in head-first and I'd shake my own head as I overheard all the lines they fed her, watching, my heart thumping in my chest as they'd throw their arm around her shoulder and lead her somewhere quieter. I tried my best, but she'd ignore my warnings until they got what they wanted from her and sent her on her way. Which was generally back to me, with a broken heart and tears rolling down her cheeks.

I was always the one she'd call, racing to get to her and watching helplessly as she fell into my arms and cried for the boys who didn't want or deserve her. Gently I'd wipe the tears from her face, and pray that this time she'd see she didn't need to put herself through this.

I was right here, willing to love her, if only she'd let me.

When Kate asks why I suffered it all, why I didn't just tell her to go to hell, I reply as honestly as I can; I have no idea. There's something about the girl I couldn't let go of. Her vulnerability, her spark, her naivety in so many things, her passion, her beauty. It all combined and got under my skin, and despite the pleas of my family and friends, I couldn't bring myself to dig her out.

I describe Izzy to her, a soul so crushed by disappointment and inconsistency, insecurity and loss of trust, that she careers from one disaster to the next. As her mom and dad passed her halfway across the country from one to the other each time she did something they struggled to cope with, there was only ever one constant in her life.

Me.

And then she destroyed that too.

~S~