24

Edward,

I heard someone told you about Emmett. I never meant to hurt you so deeply, just enough to make you want to stay away from me. I always knew I was bad for you, but you couldn't seem to see it yourself. When you told me you loved me I knew I'd let you in too far. I'm a complete screw-up and I destroy every good thing that's ever given to me, that's why I could never accept your love, not because I didn't want to. Don't ever think I didn't want you.

The thing with Emmett seemed a good idea at the time as far as desperate measures go, less so after, which is why I never told you. Please don't be too mad at him, he could barely stand, he was so drunk. I doubt he can even remember anything about it.

I'm really not worth losing your brother over.

You're a good person, Edward; the best actually. I wonder sometimes why you invested so much time and energy into someone like me, but I'm grateful you did. You made the dark times lighter and bearable and I wish I could still have you in my life, because some days I struggle to keep my head above the water. Those are the days a hug from you would have made the difference between sink and swim in the past. I mostly sink now.

I had some bad news a couple of days ago. The cancer that my mom fought and beat six years ago, is back. This time it's already not looking so good. The doctors say it's in her liver, and although they're going to run some tests to find out for certain, they're pretty sure there's nothing they'll be able to do about it. News like that hits you hard and makes you re-evaluate everything. I don't want to look back on my life when it's too late to make amends and have as many regrets as I have right now. I know there's no way I can make things up to you for all the bad things I've done, but I need to say sorry, regardless.

So, here goes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever walked up to you that day outside the Thriftway and drew you in. I'm sorry for all the cruel things I've done since and I'm sorry we've wound up like this.

I'm also sorry for the way I reacted when you told me you loved me. You should know that I had never felt a thrill like the one that shot through my body when I heard you say those words. I tried to fight the fear, to squash it down and force it back, but it burst through and drenched everything else.

There's one last thing you should know, because not saying it is one of my biggest regrets.

I loved you too.

Izzy xxx

~S~