.
Moving Memories
15: Still Lost
~ (^.^) (^.^) ~
To say that things between Naruto and Sasuke had grown tense would be an understatement, and to say that Naruto dwelt on Sasuke obsessively would be even more of an underplaying. Naruto expended most of his brain function analyzing Sasuke's health. Fortunately, he'd gotten to see Sasuke quite a few times during the past month since their last encounter at Akatsake. He'd seen Sasuke meeting with Gaara on campus a couple of times, but he'd predictably disappear as soon as Naruto arrived on scene. He at least seemed to wait until Naruto caught a glimpse of him before going though. After all, it wasn't like he couldn't tell that Naruto was coming. He had to know, unless he was just too engulfed in his conversations to take notice. Still, Naruto had to wonder if the bastard was just playing games with him. Why else would he let Naruto see him but not approach?
Naruto had also seen Sasuke around the city a few times, simply watching from a distance. He'd always be way off in the crowd and he'd be sure to be completely unimposing. Just like at the university, he'd let Naruto see him lurking before disappearing. Naruto wasn't sure if that was a good thing, or if it was torturous. Every time he saw Sasuke, Sasuke's health would be more and more deteriorated. He would look worse and worse each instance. Sure, Naruto only ever got mere glimpses of the guy, but even from just that he could tell that Sasuke looked sick... like, really sick.
The last time Naruto had seen Sasuke's face, the raven was looking like a homeless drug addict. Since then, however, Naruto hadn't seen hide nor tail of him, and neither had anyone else. No one seemed to be particularly worried though. Kiba did seem a bit anxious, but everyone else just acted like there was nothing to worry about. They must have known exactly where he was and what kind of condition he was in. Naruto tried to adopt their carefree attitudes too, trusting that they would've definitely been there to help Sasuke if he needed them. That seemed impossible though. Like Kiba, Naruto could only fret. He just couldn't help it if he was so goddamn worried.
Sighing, Naruto closed his text book—with the notebook and pencil still inside and everything—and threw it on the floor, recognizing that he simply would not be getting any homework done right now. For a few moments, he just lay there on his bed thinking. Then, he whispered uncertainly, "Sasuke?"
He simply waited for a few long moments, not exactly sure how this was supposed to work. How could he be sure that Sasuke would hear him? What exactly constituted as "calling out" to someone? He cleared his throat and eventually tried again with more conviction.
"Sasuke," he repeated. "Um... Come here, Sasuke," he added.
He rolled onto his back and snorted at how ridiculous he sounded. Sasuke wasn't a dog for christ's sake. Sasuke wouldn't come so easily anyway, so he was wasting his time. He just wanted to talk to Sasuke though. Was that so much to ask? He was just worried. Suddenly, his phone rang and startled him. He thought about just letting it ring, but then he didn't want to offend whoever was calling him. It might have been Kiba with something important, or maybe even Jiraiya. He hadn't talked to his godfather in a long time.
He picked up his phone and answered, caught somewhere between dismal and earnest. "Hello?"
"Please stop calling me. I can't concentrate this way."
Naruto sat bolt upright in his bed. "Sasuke!" he said excitedly.
"Yes, dobe," Sasuke replied, sounding weary.
"I'm sorry," Naruto immediately offered, fearing he was the cause of the exhaustion in Sasuke's voice. "I just—"
"I know," Sasuke murmured, soft but convicted enough to cause Naruto to shut up. "I miss you too."
Naruto had to temper the flourish of emotion in his chest. On one hand, he wanted to cry. On the other, he felt giddy and infatuated beyond belief. He plopped back down onto his back, releasing a heavy breath and smiling in the end.
"Yeah," he agreed. "I miss you."
"I just need a little space," Sasuke assured. "Don't think I've left you, Naruto. It's just space."
Naruto paused for a moment before saying, "But it feels like too much space. Can't I just be concerned about you?"
"Of course," Sasuke assured. "Just don't worry yourself sick. Don't occupy your mind with me so much that you can't even complete one homework assignment."
Naruto snorted in light laughter. Of course Sasuke knew what he was doing. "Yeah, yeah," Naruto said dismissively.
The lightness between them turned into a heavy silence, and Naruto's throat grew thick with emotion again.
"I gotta go," Sasuke said softly.
Naruto closed his eyes. He'd felt that coming. He could say nothing. He didn't want to protest, because Sasuke wanted him to respect the boundaries and he didn't want to disregard Sasuke's feelings, but he also didn't want to say goodbye. So he just said nothing.
"Naruto..." Sasuke's voice only got smaller, more feeble. "Naru—"
"I know, I know," Naruto finally said, cutting Sasuke off before he could be overcome with anymore of the obvious guilt he felt. "I'm being understanding," he assured, even as a slight wobble plagued the steadiness of his voice.
Sasuke sighed, saying tightly, "Goodbye, Naruto."
Naruto refused to return the sentiment. Instead, he just said, "Okay."
Naruto couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes when he heard the soft click that denoted the end of their conversation. Now that he'd heard the bastard's voice, and when it was sounding so soft and pained like that too, he felt even worse than before! He wanted to be next to Sasuke so badly! He felt that bud in his chest growing even more. Soon, it would be inescapable. He just wished that he could be closer to Sasuke. They lived less than a mile apart. And, yet, it seemed so much further.
Why did Sasuke have to go and freak out? Sure, Kiba was convinced that this would bring them closer in the end—apparently, Sasuke had to do this in order for them to be able to move forward—but Naruto just couldn't see how forcing them to stay apart was going to bring them any closer at all. Naruto just didn't understand. Why couldn't Sasuke just pour his guts out? Why couldn't he just tell Naruto all those damn "Ask an Uchiha" secrets of his? That way, Naruto could at least understand what the fuck was going on. Then, he could at least feel less awful about everything.
In the end, Naruto couldn't help but succumb to the feeling of abandonment. Sasuke had just said that he wasn't leaving, but it sure felt like he was only getting further and further away by the day. Was Sasuke going to abandon him? He didn't even react as his phone suddenly buzzed in his hand again. Lazily and with very little interest, he lifted his hand to gaze at the screen. He saw Sasuke's name and perked up, quickly opening the text to read the treasure locked inside.
[From: Sasuke] 10:05 p.m.
Focus on your homework dobe. Tomorrow is your last test before winter break.
Naruto smiled wide.
[To: Sasuke] 10:06 p.m.
don't call me that
[From: Sasuke] 10:06 p.m.
Sure thing dobe.
Naruto chuckled with delight, glad that their typical banter stayed strong. This was the Sasuke he was missing.
[From: Sasuke] 10:06 p.m.
Now focus, okay?
[To: Sasuke] 10:07 p.m.
idk if i can now
[From: Sasuke] 10:07 p.m.
Afraid I'll disappear into thin air if you don't devote your entire thought process to me?
Naruto frowned, because that was sort of uncannily true.
[To: Sasuke] 10:07 p.m.
actually... yeah... a little bit
This time, it took Sasuke a bit longer to reply, so Naruto was overly eager when the text finally came.
[From: Sasuke] 10:08 p.m.
Text me any questions you're having trouble with, okay? I'll help.
All Naruto could do was smile. It wasn't the same as talking face to face, but he couldn't have that. It wasn't the same as talking on the phone either, but that could, obviously, be very awkward for them. So, he supposed he was more than happy that at least Sasuke wasn't ignoring him anymore. Was this a good sign? Was it a precursor for things to come?
[To: Sasuke] 10:08 p.m.
okay, focusing
The rest of night went on smoothly for Naruto. He actually finished his homework, not without Sasuke's help on a few questions of course. Math was never Naruto's strong suit, but it would've been easier if Sasuke could have just been there in person. Naruto never mentioned that though. He just accepted what he got. Surprisingly enough, Sasuke's explanations were both simple and clarifying and Naruto ended up actually understanding what he was doing rather than just taking the answers Sasuke had given him. He was feeling pretty confident by the end of the night. He'd definitely be getting a good grade on his mid-term the next day.
[From: Sasuke] 11:56 p.m.
You oughta get some sleep dobe. Or else you'll be dozing off during your exam.
Naruto frowned. Sasuke was right. Naruto did need sleep, but he didn't want to terminate the conversation. He enjoyed talking to Sasuke, even if it was about math. He just liked the correspondence. Part of him feared that Sasuke would cut this off too, that it'd just been a one-time thing because he felt so guilty. But, then again, another part of him believed Sasuke was enjoying it too. That alone was enough to make Naruto believe Sasuke would return for more. Plus, Naruto had the power to text Sasuke himself too. If Sasuke didn't initiate it again, Naruto could very well become the instigator. In the end, he supposed he could relinquish his uncertainties and trust Sasuke to not sever this new tie between them. One thing he wasn't going to do, though, was wish Sasuke goodnight over text. Hell no.
As the phone rang, and rang, and rang, Naruto honestly thought he'd be put through to voicemail. His heart was falling when Sasuke finally answered.
"Dobe."
"Sasuke," Naruto said brightly.
Sasuke sighed. "I really prefer the texting," he informed.
"Oh... Yeah, I figured," Naruto replied, feeling a bit upset that Sasuke was so clearly unenthused about hearing his voice. Was he the only one of the two who got butterflies in his tummy from things like this? "I just wanted to hear you say goodnight."
"Dobe," Sasuke said uncertainly. "Don't get so upset about it."
"How can I not though?" Naruto exclaimed, suddenly very indignant. "All I wanna do every day is be with you. I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes, but you can't even stand to talk to me on the phone for more than a second. How am I supposed to feel if you so blatantly don't return my affection?"
"Naruto," Sasuke groaned. "It's not like that."
"Then how is it?" Naruto demanded.
Sasuke paused for a moment, and then truthfully divulged, "It's difficult for me. I can't explain in full detail, but I'm losing my strength, Naruto. Your presence is simply impossible right now."
"I know," Naruto said, unfazed. "You've made that impossibly clear by now. I'm not trying to sneak into your apartment, Sasuke. I just wanna hear your voice. Is that so much to ask for? Really?"
Sasuke paused before saying softly, "I'll be honest with you." Naruto waited for another long moment as Sasuke gathered his thoughts. "Your eyes... magnetize me. One look does me in. I'm powerless to you, Naruto. My mind becomes unhinged. I'm at your mercy, and that's scary for someone who relies on his wit and cunning to get by. Your being leaves me breathless. I think it goes without saying that even your voice is a temptation I can hardly deny. I'm weak, Naruto. It's enough fighting your scent and trying to not get lost in your aura every day. Your voice is just too much. It's too much sensation."
Naruto could only gape. He'd expect nothing less than eloquence from Sasuke, but he hadn't expected it to be in such romantic terms. A blush slowly crept into his cheeks.
"And I feel you blushing," Sasuke added. "I can feel you reacting to me, every little bit. I feel the rise in your temperature, the stutter in your heartbeat, the hitch in your breath. I don't have to be there to sense you completely. Don't you think I have enough trouble controlling my reaction to all that without you swooning over my voice and then assaulting me with yours? I mean, honestly, if I listen hard enough, I can hear you talking to yourself sometimes. Are you getting it yet?"
"O-Okay," Naruto conceded. "So when will you be well enough to handle me again?"
Sasuke didn't know how to respond to that, so he chose to avoid the topic. "You should really get some sleep."
"Sasuke—" Naruto began to protest.
"Want me to stay on the line?" Sasuke asked, interrupting. "What should I do? Sing for you?"
Naruto laughed. "Yeah right."
"No?" Sasuke asked. "Not your fancy?"
"Wait. Really?" Naruto asked back. "You'd sing me to sleep?"
"Sure," Sasuke murmured softly. "Whatever you wanted."
Naruto's heart fluttered in his chest and then clenched with adoration. "I won't humiliate you."
"I'm a very good singer, actually," Sasuke assured. "But if you don't want it, I won't force it."
Naruto smiled. "I'd rather experience that in person." He wasn't going to force anything either though. "Goodnight, Sasuke."
"Goodnight."
Sasuke was the one left ruing the soft click that denoted the end of their conversation this time. He clenched his phone tightly in his hand, focusing intently on Naruto's energy. He monitored the way Naruto's stomach fluttered, the way he seemed to get giddy. The reaction would've made Sasuke smirk smugly any other time, but he was feeling especially tempted right now. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw tight. He was always riding the line between "fine" and "overwhelmed" as of late, but he'd been able to stay firmly on the "fine" side. Naruto's was his undoing though. He could handle texts, he decided. It was a small step in the right direction. But talking? No. Absolutely not.
Sasuke could feel his will dissipating, his mind unwinding. Naruto did that to him, fucked up the security of his own head. Everything Sasuke thought he knew became insignificant and he began to question himself, but that was dangerous. If he was not sound of mind, then Sasuke was nothing. He fought—truly, he did—but Sasuke had to eventually decide that he simply was not strong enough to be by himself. There wasn't a single person around that he felt comfortable calling upon for help, so he had to choose the least of the many evils. And so Sasuke called to Kankuro and hoped that the brunet would be fast.
It took Kankuro longer than Sasuke would have liked. Before Sasuke knew it, he was poised at his own window, his body aching to spring forward and crouching ever-more animalistically the longer that he hesitated. His entire being having been tuned in to Naruto so intently, he didn't noticed when Kankuro appeared behind him.
"Don't," Kankuro warned severely into Sasuke's ear as one of his hands closed tightly around one of Sasuke's wrists.
Sasuke didn't fight. He still had some sanity left within him. He just couldn't force himself to back away of his own free will, but it actually didn't really feel so much like the product of his bloodlust. Yes, his body was reacting to a primal need for sustenance, but that wasn't all this was. Sasuke needed to be told "no" because he didn't want to willingly turn away from Naruto again. The idea pained him. He was weaker than the last time he'd faced Naruto in close proximity, on many frontiers, and he hadn't even seen the man face to face. It'd just been a couple phone conversations. Big deal.
Sasuke turned and began pacing his floor wildly. Freed from the struggle of "to go or not to go", his body slowly wound down. He began to quickly realize how much energy it took just for him to sit at stark attention like that. That was pathetic. How had he grown so weak? How had he let himself fall to this deep of a low? Then again, it was necessary. Kankuro watched Sasuke's feverish pacing slow until Sasuke suddenly just fell to the floor. On his knees and sitting back on his heels, Sasuke leaned forward to support his weight on his hands. His arms trembled slightly, too slight for Kankuro to notice.
"You can leave," Sasuke said, not wanting to be seen in this moment of sudden and total weakness—physically, mentally, emotionally.
"You're weak," Kankuro pointed out. "Standing there expended your energy."
"It's your fault for taking so long just because you're holding a grudge against me," Sasuke argued.
"Look at my face," Kankuro retorted. "Of course I'm holding a grudge."
"Then why'd you come at all?!" Sasuke snapped, though he kept his head bowed down toward the ground.
Kankuro paused. "You never beckon me. I figured that it must've been important."
"You deduced that and yet you still chose to take your sweet time?" Sasuke asked irritably.
"If taking my time would've caused you just a little bit of suffering, I wouldn't have minded," Kankuro replied coldly. "After all, you didn't mind causing me pain and ruining the appearance of my face."
Sasuke was silent for a few moments. "I was feral," he eventually whispered, "out of my mind." He slowly looked up at Kankuro, a strange look in his eyes. "Imagine my point of view. I suddenly felt drawn to this human that I wanted nothing to do with. I tried to block him out of my life, but he persisted. He sat around every corner, never let me leave his view. And then I felt his panic and reacted before I could even rationalize it. I rushed to him, protected him... like he was mine..." Sasuke's eyes drifted away. "But he wasn't. I didn't want him to be. Still, I reacted automatically.
"I'd already tasted his blood by the time you arrived to suck out the venom. The connection intensified within a matter of seconds, and I knew I could never escape at that point. He drew me in so deep, Kankuro. I didn't want it, not at all. I didn't want him, but I'd tasted him. He had me, and I had no choice but to want him back. That night, there was so much blood. It was everything I could do to not kill what had just become to undeniable object of my affection. What sanity I had left could not be expended on recognizing you for who you were. You know I could do nothing but react in that state. He was mine to protect, or kill. I'm still not sure what I wanna do with him yet. Sometimes, I get so deluded that I think I can do both, like killing him will be the ultimate protection..." Sasuke trailed off and shook his head slightly and grumbled, "I'm still so confused."
After a pause, Kankuro sighed. "I know," he admitted. "Sasuke, why are you doing this to yourself?" Crouching down beside the man, he added, "Isn't it just putting him in an even more dangerous position?"
Sasuke turned his face away. "Just leave," he commanded in a suspiciously feeble tone of voice.
"I still see you as a younger brother," Kankuro said, ignoring that demand. "I always have and I always will, so you can't get rid of me so easily."
"It worked when I slashed your face," Sasuke retorted extra quietly—probably to hide the fact that his voice was breaking, Kankuro suspected.
"You won't get rid of me," Kankuro repeated firmly.
"Leave," Sasuke demanded again but with even less bite than before.
"Why are you punishing yourself for feeling human?" Kankuro asked. "Isn't that what keeps us sane, still feeling like a human and not an animal? You have to face these demons, Sasuke." Sasuke stayed silent, so Kankuro went on. "Let us help you get through this in a better way. When Naruto prompted you, you actually started opening up again. Even now, you're not forcing me away. Don't ruin all that you've done. I know you think he's making it harder. If you let him though, I bet he can make this easier. We all can."
"You can't," Sasuke disagreed. "Just leave me be, Kankuro."
"Why is Naruto the only one who's allowed to see you this way?" Kankuro asked.
"He's not!" Sasuke snapped. He paused before adding, "In fact, he's the last person I want to see me this way."
"So stop forcing yourself into a corner!" Kankuro argued. "Accept some help, Sasuke. Let us help you get to a place where you can be beside him again. You know this distance is killing you both."
"It's fine this way," Sasuke insisted.
"It's not!" Kankuro shouted impatiently. "You're just antagonizing the situation!"
"He'll be fine," Sasuke said confidently, "because you're all following him and watching him. He's safe."
"Don't forget all the other human lives you're putting in danger!" Kankuro demanded.
"That's why I haven't left the apartment," Sasuke pointed out. Kankuro was so thoroughly put out that he couldn't even argue anymore, so he simply glared. After a short pause, Sasuke added, "The only one who'll be suffering is me. As it should be."
"As it should be?" Kankuro repeated, his tone aghast. He scoffed and shook his head at Sasuke's stupidity. He stayed quiet, though, as he began to pick up a slight trail of some sharp pang in Sasuke's aura. He honed in on it, recognizing it as pain. He analyzed it further, categorizing it as partially physical pain but mostly emotional. Slowly, shock caused Kankuro's mouth to drop. He hadn't been there the night that everyone else had gotten to see the first true glimpses beyond Sasuke's wall of defense. He'd been gone, but he was getting his own glimpse now. It was hard to process at first, because Sasuke never let anybody in. It took a few long moments before Kankuro decided that, yes, this really was Sasuke's emotion and not just a delusion or ruse.
"Are you... letting me feel your pain?" Kankuro whispered, astonished and confused.
Sasuke tensed significantly. His arms trembled furiously just to hold up his weight. Clearly, he hadn't intended to share any of his feelings with Kankuro. He said nothing, but Kankuro continued to feel his pain as it leaked more heavily into his aura by the second. The trickle quickly elevated into a steady steam, and then it was suffocating. Kankuro was physically taken aback by how suddenly intense Sasuke's aura had become. He couldn't fathom how Sasuke possibly suffered this badly in silence. How was it that so much overwhelming emotion plagued him, and yet he was able to seal it all up for no one to see? Was it even possible to contain so much darkness inside one body?
In his weak state of health with Kankuro riling him up, it was clear that Sasuke could not keep a handle on his emotions any longer. Kankuro assessed that it must have been a very severe situation for Sasuke to lose his grip like this, but he also assessed that it wasn't so much the physical or emotional stress that made Sasuke lose his footing. Sasuke was used to those things. It was the mental stress. Sasuke had always been in supreme control of his own mind. He simply had to tell himself that a person didn't matter, and then they just wouldn't. Naruto was in Sasuke's head now though, and he was wedging the doorway open just enough for the influences around Sasuke to seep in subtly as well. The more Kankuro stayed there and further stressed Sasuke's mental frame of mind, the less control Sasuke had over his own energy field.
It was highly intriguing for Kankuro to witness himself influencing Sasuke so easily, to see honest emotion becoming totally unconcealed. But it was also scary to think that Sasuke's mind was slipping so much. It could be a sign of him nearing feral territory. Sasuke was so hardheaded that any wavering in this area could be alarming. So Kankuro, in the end, wasn't actually sure that this moment of vulnerability was a good thing. He was sure of one thing though. He did not like the emotional distress Sasuke was, apparently, always in. It just could not be healthy to live this way.
"Let me help you," Kankuro pleaded softly. The two of them just sat quietly for a few moments while uncertainty and fear began to flood Sasuke's aura too. "It's okay to be anxious," Kankuro said quickly. "You're not used to this. We all understand that. If you try to be different with us too and not just with Naruto, then we can help," he assured. He waited for another emotional response, since Sasuke obviously wasn't going to speak.
Sasuke kept fighting his own self to maintain control over his aura, to block Kankuro out completely. He was weak though... so weak. And he blamed it on his body, because it would be too difficult to admit that, perhaps, he was suffering a change of mind. It was hard to accept that the structure of his own thinking was shifting. It was easier to say he was faltering out of exhaustion of the body, because exhaustion of the mind just wasn't an option for him. His mind was all he had. His thoughts, his decisions were all he could be. They couldn't slip away. They couldn't lose control.
"If you have any respect for me, Kankuro," Sasuke began at just barely more than a whisper, "then you'll leave."
"We love you, Sasuke," Kankuro said softly, touching one of those trembling arms gently. "We really love you."
Sasuke's breathing grew heavy as weariness overcame him. He had no strength left anywhere within him—no strength to hold up his body, no strength to fight his own mind, no strength to stop the tears from cascading down his cheeks. He simply fell forward as his arms finally gave way beneath him and cursed his own vulnerability. It would have been fine to exhaust himself to this extreme if he could have just kept a grip on his mind. Even if he had to lose his mind, that would've been fine too as long as Kankuro hadn't been there to witness it. He was more concerned about the blow to his pride than his own well-being.
Kankuro caught the weak man, even as he was assaulted with a whole new barrage of various emotions that caused his brain to twist and turn and race so heavily that for a moment his brain function was so dedicated to processing that he'd simply lost track of how to even use his body. Everything Sasuke was trying to hold back came pouring out of him and barreling into Kankuro. The brunet was there to feel it all in its entirety, but Sasuke's emotional state was such madness that it became quickly too much for Kankuro to handle.
In the end, Kankuro had to focus to shut himself off. He tapered down his senses, retreating his proverbial feelers and protecting himself from Sasuke's aura. It was basically an automatic thing for vampires to feel out people's energy fields, but it was usually pretty mild and required intent for them to take it beyond a slight inkling. Natural as it came to them, it was also just as easy to shut off the mechanism entirely. Kankuro didn't have to feel Sasuke if he didn't want to, and he absolutely did not want to anymore. Feeling Sasuke's pain so fully was causing his own throat to close up with emotion. He had to fight his own tears. He had just felt it all so vividly... too vividly.
Even if Sasuke had been a bit less tightly wound since choosing to get along with Naruto, it'd really only been for Naruto and Naruto alone. It somewhat extended to Kiba too, but not really to anyone else. Part of that was a vampire's natural inclination to protect themselves from others of their kind, since they were largely independent creatures. Sasuke's desire to protect himself from his own family only spoke to how little trust still remained between them though. In the end, he'd still been very wary with everyone around him.
They'd all always been afraid of losing Sasuke completely, but he stayed around and tolerated them as long as they left his personal life alone. They were all stripped of their titles as close friends, family, and people worthy of sharing his life with and they became little more than acquaintances to Sasuke, people he simply allowed in his company. It was mostly the fact that Sasuke meant so much to everyone, even if they had become nearly nothing to him, that made them the only people who could even tolerate his behavior. Naruto was the only one who was allowed truly within Sasuke's bubble. Forcing himself away from Naruto had forced Sasuke to become just as introverted as before though, if not worse.
Kankuro pulled Sasuke into a tight embrace. "I'm so sorry that we haven't been there," he said in a strained voice, trying his damnedest not to cry. "We abandoned you."
Kankuro didn't dare open himself back up to Sasuke's aura again. He could still sense the sheer intensity of it, even as he refused to tap into it. That was how he knew it was purely overwhelming at this point. How could one person even feel so many things at once? What's more, how could he keep them so bottled up like that and not die? Kankuro was truly baffled.
Sasuke had closed himself off to make it a point that no vampire ever caught wind of his emotional being without his knowing, and that was a means of defense. But now, as Sasuke's emotions poured out of him so relentlessly, Kankuro couldn't help but think it was an even better defense than the opposite. No vampire would even wanna touch that shit. They'd sense it and shut off immediately, giving whatever was emanating such an intense aura a wide berth of space. Kankuro wasn't even sure any normal vampire could handle such an intense output without their head exploding or else them just being launched right into ferocity. With this much output bombarding them, it would take a very experienced and in-control vampire to not be driven toward feral tendencies.
"I was the one always pushing you away," Sasuke whispered after a long pause, "but—"
"I know," Kankuro assured. "We all know. Losing Ren changed you completely. So how about we all just admit a truce?" he suggested. "We're all to blame."
Sasuke swallowed thickly. "Ren," he breathed.
The name echoed through the halls of his seemingly empty mind. It did not lead him to thoughts of Naruto, the wedge that slowly brought reform into his life. No, it led him to memories of gore and misery, and that only redefined his absolute need to be sound of mind. He couldn't change his way of thought. He couldn't just change his life over night. That was dangerous. He wasn't rejecting Naruto. No, he was just recognizing that it would take time, a lot of time. He couldn't just stop living his life a certain way in one moment, especially not in his current state of being. He had to stick to his guns. He had to cling to his principles, fight for his own sanity. He could not shut off brain function. He knew that. He couldn't. Almost as if it were a survival instinct, Sasuke slowly began to seal himself up again.
Kankuro only noticed the shift by the suddenly easing atmosphere around him. Even though he wasn't tuning in to Sasuke, he could still sense the general weight of things around him, and it was lightening. Slowly, it dawned on Kankuro that Sasuke was shutting him out again. He immediately reached out for Sasuke, proverbially grasping at his aura and trying to hold on to some of that honest emotion. He didn't need it all, but Sasuke didn't have to just flop between extremes. He could take it in doses. He didn't have to seal it all back up again and choke his own self on its intensity! He could share the burden!
Kankuro clutched his friend tightly, knowing what was happening to be unstoppable and dreading it. "Don't," he begged quietly. "Don't do this again, Sasuke. Please, let me in. Just a little. Please."
Sasuke said nothing. He let Kankuro continue to hug him, but that was mostly because he was too tired to fight the man off. Eventually, Kankuro took Sasuke up to his bed and tucked him in. Sasuke simply stared resolutely at the ceiling, his pride heavily bruised and his ego haughty.
Kankuro sighed at the sight. He knew that what had just happened may have been a once in a lifetime deal. He was sure it was even more intense and enlightening than the display he'd missed so long ago at Akatsake had been. Sasuke would probably rather die than let that happen again. He was stubborn that way, but he was truly remarkable too. Even in his current state, he managed to reclaim control and button back up his frayed ends. Kankuro had to admit that such was pretty amazing.
He knew that what he'd seen this night had been purely borne of exhaustion. Sasuke was not reaching out to him. He was simply too weak to push away. Yet, Kankuro couldn't let bygones be bygones. He felt like it was his duty to show his support for Sasuke in some way. He needed something like a peace offering. Maybe that would help him truly get in, and not by a fluke. How to earn Sasuke's trust, though? Naruto had given them all a window of opportunity. It was obviously not going to be any small task to get in Sasuke's head, as this encounter so bluntly proved. But the encounter also proved that Sasuke's mental frame was not impenetrable. As long as they had the will, there was a way. Naruto had given them that.
"I want to talk, but it's hard when you're like this," Kankuro pointed out. Sasuke still stayed silent. "I'll—"
"I won't accept it," Sasuke interjected evenly. "Just leave." Kankuro opened his mouth to argue. "Leave," Sasuke repeated firmly. "Now."
As difficult as it was, Kankuro decided to oblige. After such a powerful scene, Sasuke was clearly at his wits end, and Kankuro didn't want to push him to that kind of exhaustion again. What he wanted from Sasuke was trust. He didn't want to take the man's power away. So, in the end, all he could do was respect Sasuke's wishes and turn away. Naruto truly was their last hope now. No one else could help Sasuke, just like they'd never been able to before. That didn't mean Kankuro would stop trying, but he wasn't holding out for anything big to come of it either. Naruto couldn't help if Sasuke wouldn't let Naruto be at his side though. It was all up to Sasuke then. How long could he survive like this?
~ (^.^) (^.^) ~
Sasuke lay on his stomach in his bed. Fortunately for him, Kankuro hadn't been particularly persistent. It'd been a week since their talk and he hadn't seen Kankuro even once. In fact, he hadn't seen anyone... at all. That was how he wanted it though. This was how it was supposed to be. His thoughts wandered to Naruto. He'd been texting Naruto, though admittedly far more sparsely as his condition worsened. Now that he thought about it, it'd been a few days since he'd contacted his companion.
He would've liked to see Naruto. He would've liked to touch his skin, to feel his warmth, to hear his voice. Hm... his voice. Sasuke could manage that, couldn't he? Even if hearing his voice would tempt Sasuke to seek the blond out—and probably kill him—everyone would be keeping an eye on him, so Sasuke would have no chance of actually getting close enough to Naruto to actually hurt him. Even though he'd told Naruto that even just his voice was too much temptation, he was really craving it right now. Naruto's voice. Sasuke could manage that. Right?
He tried to move, but nothing happened. He willed himself to reach for his phone to call Naruto, but nothing happened. Instead of being angry, his inability to react made him upset. God, Sasuke fucking Uchiha getting upset. Who was he becoming? Nonetheless, his eyes began to sparkle with tears. He would've been grateful for immobility in any other situation, but it was upsetting when it stopped him from being able to seek the comfort of Naruto. Was that true? Was Sasuke seeking comfort in Naruto? Yes, he supposed that he was. It'd always been that way with Ren too. Her voice had always been calming to him. She was his anchor, his tie to humanity. She'd kept him sane. Her voice had always done so much for him.
~xXxXxXx~
"I'm scared, Sasuke. I'm so scared."
~xXxXxXx~
That time, her voice hadn't been able to save him though. Her voice had been trembling with fear. She'd been crying. Her voice hadn't been any kind of salvation. Sasuke's tears decided themselves that they would fall and soak his bedspread. He didn't really mind though. He was alone. It wasn't easy holding the tears in for so many years. Now, it might be okay to finally cry just a little bit.
The feeling of despair began to intensify in his chest. He was truly alone. He could die here... alone. It wasn't like he would die here. If he did, it wouldn't be for quite some time to come still. He was alone though, and that was what hurt him now. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted comfort that only Ren could provide with that skill that she'd somehow passed on to Naruto. He couldn't have Naruto though. He had to remain alone. Even if he wanted to see his dobe, he couldn't. He had committed to this already, and no one was going to come and try to convince him otherwise anymore.
But he deserved this, didn't he? He deserved to feel this despair. He deserved this pain, this suffering, this loneliness. He didn't deserve Naruto at all, not one bit. The tears fell more freely. In fact, he deserved to die. He truly did.
So lost in his head, Sasuke couldn't sense the person approaching. He didn't hear them knocking on his door. He didn't hear them pleading from the other side. He didn't hear them enter when they realized that the door wasn't even locked. He didn't even smell the blood pumping through their veins as they approached. Only when they finally spoke did he finally react.
"Sasuke? A-Are you dead?"
Sasuke couldn't speak. He could only cry more earnestly. Even if he'd just been throwing a pity party, he didn't actually want to see Naruto. It was too dangerous! It was better to be miserable and alone than to be in Naruto's company and constantly run the risk of killing him. Seeing that his body was trembling and hearing small whimpers escape from his lips, Naruto decided that Sasuke wasn't dead at all. How wasn't he though? He was sickeningly thin.
"What's wrong with you?" Naruto asked. He touched Sasuke's skin to find that it was ice cold. He made himself comfortable on the bed and pulled Sasuke into his lap, wrapping the comforter snugly around the man's body as well.
"Why are you so cold? Why are you so thin?" he asked. Sasuke's eyes were shut and he stayed silent. Tears kept falling, though he made no noise now.
"Can you say something to me?" Naruto asked.
"Go away," Sasuke managed to whisper. The tone he used was heartbreaking though. There was no conviction to it at all.
"Yeah right," Naruto replied. "I'm really worried about you, Sasuke. I haven't heard from you in days."
Sasuke had no strength in his muscles at all, but he started to feel like his arms could move again anyway. "How'd you get here?" he asked very quietly. It seemed that he couldn't manage much more than a whisper.
"I walked," Naruto replied lightly.
Sasuke kept his eyes closed. If he couldn't see his target, then maybe he'd be less inclined to attack. If those eyes just stayed out of his line of vision, then maybe it would turn out okay. Although, his bloodlust would be pretty black and white this time. There would be no emotional trigger. This time, it would simply be out of hunger. There was blood in those veins, and Sasuke was literally starving. It was inevitable.
"They're supposed to be watching you," he said, sounding purely miserable.
"They are," Naruto informed. "Itachi's been with me all day. In fact, he's just standing outside your door. He said that he wouldn't stop me if I wanted to come over and try to talk to you... so I did."
Sasuke felt out the surrounding area and, indeed, discovered Itachi just outside his door. He'd have to be careful. He'd have to be sure to suppress his emotions as much as possible, which had been slowly becoming a difficult task since his encounter with Kankuro. It seemed his mind was slipping from his grip more every day, and for some reason it was getting difficult to make sense of what was happening within. With a scrambled head, it wasn't easy to focus on what was and was not seeping out for anyone to plainly see. But having spent so much time alone in his apartment, there wasn't really anyone around to ever see anyway. He found himself capable of expertly sealing himself off anyway. He knew on the inside that it was wrong. He needed to project his emotions. He needed to practically scream his intentions at the top of his lungs, but there was a primal desire that rendered him helpless to his own self.
"Idiot," he groaned. "I could kill you." He was already plotting how.
"Really?" Naruto said. He snorted, completely unconvinced. "I'd like to see you try."
"You can't even move," Naruto went on, his voice getting quiet again. "Tell me what's wrong with you," he requested worriedly.
Sasuke managed to wiggle an arm free from the comforter cocoon. Trembling, his hand sought out Naruto's skin. "Naruto," he whispered, his voice croaky.
"Y-Yes..." Naruto grabbed Sasuke's hand with his own. After a slight moment of hesitation, he even placed Sasuke's hand on his cheek.
Sasuke was at war with himself. It was like the beast inside was in control of his body, but he was there to spectate. He was unable to interfere with his actions, but he was free to commentate. He opened his eyes, looked right up into Naruto's sparkling, blue orbs, and his lips trembled. He couldn't believe what he was in the throes of doing.
"Naruto," he croaked again in a broken voice.
It was partly true emotion, but it was also just an antic to make himself seem vulnerable in order to bring his prey in close enough to make the kill. He moved his hand to Naruto's neck and lightly began tugging him down. Naruto obliged like a true dobe. Once Naruto was close enough, Sasuke would use up whatever energy he could muster from his muscles to attack for good, and he would attack to kill. There was no sense in trying to feed from wriggling prey when you were so weak. Dead people didn't fight back, so Naruto would have to be dead.
"G-Go home," Sasuke whispered in a pathetic tone. "Please, just go home."
He gripped Naruto's neck more tightly, his actions directly contrasting his words. They were so close now. A few more inches and Sasuke would spring to life. He was so close to that beautiful neck. For a moment, he wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss it or bite it. That argument was settled quickly though. He needed that neck. He needed it. Oh, fuck! He really needed it! And the part of him that was pleading with Naruto slipped away. No longer was he there to spectate or provide commentary. He was gone to another place entirely, replaced by a simple, primal need.
"Let him go," Itachi said sternly.
One of Itachi's hands were placed on Naruto's chest to keep him from leaning down any further. He stared intensely into his brother's eyes. Naruto stayed quiet while Sasuke's inner animal showed its true colors, hissing a challenge at Itachi. He was weak. He knew he couldn't fight, but the animal inside didn't care. It simply wanted its meal, even if it had to exhaust itself to death for it. His fingers tightened on Naruto's neck, beginning to leave a bruise and causing Naruto to grimace.
"Sasuke, ow," Naruto complained, trying to push himself up and out of the hold. That only caused Sasuke to tighten his grip even further, prompting Naruto to complain yet again. "Ow," he whined and then winced.
"Let him go!" Itachi commanded more forcefully.
Sasuke simply hissed again, so Itachi had to pry his fingers from Naruto's neck. He jerked Naruto off the bed and Naruto stumbled to catch his footing and understand what had just happened. One second he was sitting on the bed and then he was stumbling around behind Itachi the next. Even if he didn't quite understand how Itachi had moved him so easily or quickly, he did understand that he'd been moved.
"There you go stealing my chance to fucking touch him again," Naruto grumbled angrily. "You said I could have privacy."
"That was before I truly understood the situation," Itachi said. "I thought that things felt a bit odd, so I glanced in to check. It's not that I didn't know his condition. Because of his condition, I expected to feel malcontent from him, but I didn't. When I saw you cradling him in your lap paired with all the things I heard you saying, I had to come in."
Naruto's brows knit in confusion. "You mean you already knew he'd be like this when we got here?" he asked.
"Yes," Itachi answered simply.
"And you just didn't care?!" Naruto shouted, suddenly very angry on Sasuke's behalf. "You just—"
"Naruto!" Itachi snapped, efficiently shutting the blond up. "Of course I care, but there's nothing I can do. This was his decision, and he refused interference. He's choosing to starve himself," Itachi said gruffly, kneeling on the bed and rolling up his sleeves. "That's not my fault."
It took Naruto a minute to register Itachi's words. Of course. Starving. That was the obvious conclusion. Why else would Sasuke be nothing but skin and bones? Slowly, Naruto returned his gaze to Sasuke. "Why do you have to be so fucking dramatic?" he asked, though there was no bite to it at all.
"Don't insult my brother," Itachi demanded harshly as he pulled the blanket off of Sasuke and repositioned him so that he was now laying in Itachi's lap. Naruto looked back at Itachi, startled by that reaction, and Itachi met him with a hard stare. "You don't have any clue as to why he's doing this, so shut up." He held Naruto's gaze until Naruto was too embarrassed and looked away. Internally, he beckoned his partner. Within a few short moments, Deidara appeared in the room beside Naruto.
"Naruto," Itachi began again, looking weary, "I let you come for a reason. I wanted you to see what you were getting into. In this desperate state, Sasuke tried to lure you in and bring you close enough for his instincts to take over. He's too weak to move, but once the prospect of a meal shows up, we'll do whatever we can to survive. You're just a meal to him. That's it."
"No," Naruto said quietly, looking down at the ground. Itachi's eyes were too difficult to look into. Naruto had never seen him in such a serious light before. "I refuse to believe that," he added meekly, afraid to refute Itachi but unwilling to concede all the same.
"That's because this isn't Sasuke," Itachi went on to explain. "This is another being entirely. You cannot forget that sometimes this is what you will have to face. If you intend to continue on at my brother's side, you must understand that he is a predator and you are his main source of food."
"No," Naruto said again, even more meekly.
"Do not be naïve!" Itachi boomed, starling Naruto with his suddenly very loud voice. Naruto bowed his head even further. "Accept the facts or else you'll get yourself killed!" Itachi demanded impatiently.
After a moment, Deidara gently asked, "Do you understand, Naruto?"
Naruto nodded slowly, refusing to look Itachi in the eyes again.
"Good," Itachi said. He looked back at his younger brother in his lap, who was resigned to simply glaring at him. He sighed heavily, knowing that Sasuke would be against what he was about to do if Sasuke had any humanity left within him to argue at the moment.
"I'm sorry," Itachi said quietly before placing his wrist against Sasuke's lips. Without hesitation, Sasuke latched on. His hands flew up from their limp position at his sides to grab onto Itachi's arm tightly. Itachi didn't even flinch, even though Sasuke had a bone-crushing death-grip on him.
He used his free hand to stroke Sasuke's hair gently. He knew that Sasuke would hate it, but Sasuke was too preoccupied to care at the moment. It made Itachi feel better though, to be able to interact with Sasuke this intimately. It'd been so many years since his little brother had accepted him. That was the price that he'd had to pay for leaving Sasuke at such a young age though. When he looked back into Sasuke's eyes, he could see him slowly returning to consciousness. The first thing that he saw past the wild quality of those crimson eyes was a request, a silent but desperate plea prying its way to the forefront.
Itachi sighed. Despite his original intents, he simply said, "Naruto, go home."
Naruto snapped his head up. "Wait!" he exclaimed indignantly. "You said I could talk to him! I haven't gotten a chance yet!"
"Next time," Itachi promised, still gazing at his little brother intently, reading everything that was hidden behind those eyes.
Tears began welling up in Naruto's eyes. "Please!" he begged. He began to panic even more when Deidara grabbed him by the arm and prepared to escort him out of the apartment. "Please!" he exclaimed again, those tears falling down his cheeks. He couldn't help it if he got emotional. He'd been wanting this moment so badly for so long. To see Sasuke and then have him taken away again was just torture. "Don't make me go!" Naruto pleaded.
Itachi didn't even look up, or perhaps he couldn't bring himself to. He could turn into a stern guy real quick, especially if it involved his loved ones, but he wasn't heartless. He knew how much Naruto had been looking forward to this. The man had practically skipped over here when Itachi said that they could come. Now Itachi was being forced to send him away. He couldn't look into those dejected eyes that were pleading for sympathy, for pity. He had to heed his brother's request though. Sasuke came first, and what little part of Sasuke that was beginning to awaken again wanted Naruto to leave. Itachi had to do this, even if it broke his heart to break Naruto's heart. He had to be stern.
"Go home," he repeated quietly.
"Itachi!" Naruto hollered desperately.
"He'll be fine," Deidara assured Naruto, pulling him into a loose hug. "If Ita can just have some time to talk to him, then maybe he'll get better so that you two can be next to each other again soon." Naruto quieted and watched Sasuke longingly. "It'll be better soon. I promise," Deidara promised. "Let's go." He gently tugged Naruto along. Reluctantly, Naruto allowed Deidara to lead him away.
To be continued...
Author Note: In re-editing this fic, I tried to make the chapters more consistent in length. A couple of them fall into the 6k and 8k word count, but most of them are in the 7k and I'm pleased with that. I'm working on trying to mature my writing and I think it's important I be a little more structured. That being said, this chapter is in the 9k word count. I couldn't help it though. It all needed to be said :3
So I've also got a song for this chapter. It's from Sasuke to Naruto, and it'll hurt your little hearts. It's Still Lost by Tom McRae. Yeah, Sasuke's feelings had to be visited too. Underneath all of that cold, brooding exterior is just a silently suffering victim.