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I'd deny a preoccupation with Izzy again, but she definitely wanders into my thoughts a couple of times a day. I wonder about her life now; how things are for her and if she's really as similar as when I first knew her. Life shapes people, and I can't help thinking she must be bearing some of the scars from her lost years. I wonder exactly which of the scars she has still, and how they mark her.
I have regrets from back then; who doesn't? I look back and wonder why the hell I let her play me like she did, because there's no way I'd let anyone get away with treating me that way now. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, love is blind, et cetera. I guess none of it makes a shred of difference now. All our lives come down to a set of clichés in the end.
Curiosity has me hoping to run into her again, wanting to find out more about what she thinks and how she feels these days. If I'm so altered from how I was four years ago - shaped and moulded, teased and whittled, by experience, grief and love, why should she be any different? I think of the last time she came back before her mom died, how I'd hide away, afraid to face her in case she got a hold of my heart again. I'd become so dependent on her in the aftermath of my dad walking out on us, she'd become a life raft to cling on to. It was unfortunate she would be the cause of the roughest waters. Compared to losing Emmett though, that shit was trivial. If I can survive that, I can survive anything.
I'm the captain of my own life raft these days.
~S~