Nick felt it very difficult for his legs to support his weight when he closed the door of the room he had just left. Olivia had gone into that place ready to die. She had done her job to the fullest extent. Nick leaned against the wall in the desolate hallway. He recalled the day he saw her up on that stage as she saluted the commissioner in return for her promotion. She had become Sergeant Benson that day. And she had taken that step up from detective to sergeant, eventually to squad commander. It had been a long hard road, and it wasn't even close to being over.

Nick let himself slide down the wall to the floor where his arms rested easily on his knees, his head against the wall. The job they had, the oath they'd taken - neither had told them what they were in for. When he'd made his decision to become a police officer, never did he foresee becoming part of a tighter family than blood relatives. When he'd met Olivia three years before, he didn't see the horror the future would bring. If he would have, he would have said goodbye way back then. Now he had to stay. He had to make sure she pulled through.

His phone rang at the moment his mind began to see again the images of Olivia's haunting eyes, accepting her fate, and then changing her mind about leaving. His heart dropped even farther than he thought possible when he read the name of his former captain on the screen. It took a long second to build up the courage to answer. But he did.

"Captain." He'd never know the man as anyone else.

Cragen called when he became able to. Even the ringing of the phone on the other side of the ocean had power enough to startle him. He listened with his eyes closed, waiting for an answer. It came when Nick picked up.

"Captain."

It had been so long since Cragen had heard that name. It was something he missed terribly.

"Nick." He tried to settle his voice. "Nick - I know."

The last word of the sentence was the most unstable. There was no doubt Nick was very aware of what Cragen was talking about.

"She's at Bellevue - in surgery."

Nick's knowing reply came back.

"I shot Lewis, but - I was too late. He stabbed her. Twice. We don't know how she's doing."

Neither Nick nor Cragen could know that Olivia had died on the operating table just a minute before. They had no idea. Cragen shook as he held the phone. It suddenly became too real.

"We're coming back. Our flight leaves in an hour." He said back, very aware of Eileen's concerned gaze next to him.

Nick paused, obviously not expecting the response he got. Cragen just waited, breathing with Nick on the same line.

"We'll be here." Nick finally spoke back after a long pause.

Cragen smiled sadly. He knew they would be.

Brian laid on his side, falling right away into a dark sleep. He had nightmares about the grain terminal, about it all. The first thing he saw was Lewis dragging Olivia from the depths of a storm drain, chaining her to the vent as the water rose. He watched as she sank lower into the dark liquid. She disappeared from the surface with a bone-chilling scream. Brian couldn't even wake up.

Then, for an hour, it was nothing but darkness and peace in his head. But the nightmares returned. Lewis had Olivia on top of an incredible skyscraper. He was pushing her backwards with a gun to her face. The thing that made the dream even worse was the fact that Brian saw the gun in his own hand. He was Lewis. He was the one pushing her to the edge of the building. She took a step, looked into his eyes as her begged him. Then she fell over backwards, plummeting to the streets below.

Nick left the hallway after finishing his conversation with Cragen to find Amanda and Fin standing alongside someone he recognized immediately.

"Munch." He said loudly.

The group turned to him, their faces desperate for answers. Nick shook his head at them.

"Emily's fine. I took her statement. She's going home after CSU is done." He involuntarily glanced down and opened his hand to see the only part of Olivia he had left. Munch saw it as he did, his throat closing.

"Where's Brian?" Nick asked quickly. Had something happened?

"He went to lay down. He was about to fall over." Fin replied dismally.

The helplessness circulating through each and every one of them only increased their discomfort. They felt like they should be doing something. They felt useless standing around, just waiting.

"How did you know?" Nick was out of breath as he asked Munch.

"Fin." He pointed at his former partner.

Then the silence of the noise in the waiting room enveloped them all. No one said anything as they stood in their circle, taking in the sights and sounds of the room. Ambulance transports came in spontaneously, some people in worse shape than others.

"Is Brian alone?" Munch finally found the ability to speak again.

Amanda saw before her eyes replaying images of what they'd seen. Tears came to them as the panic turned to utter fear of the unknown. The emotions came out in a different way as she tried to keep her eyes dry. Fin's hand around her shoulder only made them fall faster.

"Yeah. I can take you." Amanda slipped away from Fin and led Munch back to where Brian was diving into another nightmare.

Munch walked in silence alongside her, and when they arrived in the room, they paused to find Brian sleeping, his chest heaving as he breathed fast. Amanda glanced up at Munch and turned to leave, but he caught her arm gently. He didn't say anything as he brought her into a tight hug. So many words filtered through both their ears and hearts as they embraced.

"We did everything we could." Her voice was muted in his shoulder. "And it wasn't enough." She finished the heart-breaking thought that had been weighing on her.

"It never is." He agreed.

In all his years on the force, he knew better than anyone what that feeling was: the pangs of guilt and anger that came with the actions taken. He understood the frustration of always doing what he could, doing the job to the fullest extent, but still not doing enough.

Munch let go of Amanda. She did the same to him, pausing to wipe her eyes as she looked at him.

"We'll let you know what we hear." She assured him, and then left.

Nick and Fin stood alone in the waiting room after Amanda and Munch disappeared. It was their chance to get it out.

"I thought she was finally safe." Nick confessed, not even aware he'd moved his mouth.

"Not in this world." Fin replied heavily. "No one ever is."

Then the frustrations in both surfaced. "He had a knife to her throat - I couldn't do anything but watch like a rookie, scared shitless." Nick couldn't keep it in any longer. He was about to explode. "If it had been different - if I could've gotten the shot when we got there, I don't know if I would have."

Fin listened, wishing one thing. "Why didn't we shoot him the first time we saw him?"

The question wasn't one he wanted answered. It was one that would forever be in their minds, one that couldn't be answered.

Nick sat down in one of the chairs, leaning over and resting his elbows on his knees. His hands cradled his head as they covered his face. When he opened his eyes again, he hoped it would all go away. It just didn't work that way.

Cragen and Eileen boarded their flight and left the airport at 3:10. Even with the reservations in his mind, Cragen kept pressing refresh on the news page he had up. Now press was camped outside both the granary and Bellevue. It was clear that the whole city was watching it unfold. The headlines came across the top of his page.

"NYPD Hero Fighting for Her Life."

The next one aggravated him, simply because it showed that information had already been leaked.

"Blowtorch, Knife, and Hammer Used in Vicious Attack Against NYPD Sergeant."

The press couldn't have known unless an officer was offering it. He sat back in his seat as the airplane leveled in the air. It was going to be the longest flight of his life: Eight hours of waiting and praying; Eight hours of staring at the images burned into his mind from earlier in the day, images that kept flooding his phone through news feeds.

Munch sat in the quiet of the room in a chair near the door. He didn't wish to startle Brian when he awoke, but he wanted to be there for him when he did. He stared down at the nail he'd picked raw as his anxiety was let out. The pain didn't reverberate through him. Nothing did.

Brian was dreaming, no doubt. As he lay on his back, eyes closed, his arms moved ever so little. Munch could only imagine what he was seeing. As the nightmare ended, Brian's eyes fluttered open, his body sitting up. He panted, not seeing Munch immediately. Then he did.

Munch stood up and dragged his chair next to the bed quietly. "Hey, kid." The older man spoke to his best friend sympathetically.

Brian only took a minute to realize he was awake. His breathing slowed as he sat back. "What are you doing here, Old Man?" He gave Munch the reply he usually did, accompanied by the unofficial nickname he often used.

Munch sat down. "Sitting here with you." The reply was simple, but meant so many things. He was there to lend his support. He was there to await news on what the fate of one of his best friends was.

Brian looked straight forward and shook his head. It was like he was in a trance. "I thought she was at home, Munch. I thought Nick was with her."

Brian felt another pang of sadness as he whispered. "I thought she was safe."

Munch let the words hang in the air as he thought about them. "And she wasn't." He couldn't form anything else. He hadn't known how it had all happened. He just knew that it had.

Brian's emotions became a swirl of anger. "Well apparently not, Munch. Otherwise we wouldn't be here in this goddamn hospital waiting for a complete stranger to come tell us if she's alive or not."

Munch didn't take it personally. He knew where that raw emotion was coming from. He could feel it welling up inside him too.

The anger inside Brian turned to despair in a matter of seconds. It felt like everything in him was spiraling out of control.

"She left a note telling me she'd done what she had to. She told me she loved me -" his throat closed again unexpectedly as he tried to finish. "- I just want a chance to say it to her again."

Munch's eyes began the production of salty tears as he listened. He reached out a hand and put it on Brian's arm. "It doesn't matter."

Brian could hear the wavering the words held.

"She knew." The switch Munch made to past-tense didn't occur to them, but it was the unconscious mind telling them what they had no way of knowing. Olivia's heart wasn't beating. The doctors were still trying to get her back from the other side.

Brian was unable to cry, but he nodded at Munch. "Thank you." He could never express how much hearing that meant to him.

The fight continued in the operating room as the efforts to resuscitate Olivia became desperate. The monitor came to life four minutes after she had died. Her heartbeat startled them into a very new reality. The air was building up again in the chest cavity. Every move they'd made to save her life had only hurt her more. Her heart was pumping too fast to compensate for the lost blood in her body.

"Get that lung repaired now! If we have to try and save her again, she'll go into cardiac arrest!" The surgeon worked quickly, hearing the heartbeat speed up and slow down at unsteady rates. If they lost her again, it would be for good.

At 7:57, two hours after Olivia had gone into surgery, Fin, Amanda, and Nick sat with coffee in their hands. Their minds were exhausted. Their bodies were about to fall apart. Minutes seemed like years. Hours seemed like a lifetime.

The doctor that emerged from the doors spoke to the nurse at the front desk. The three detectives looked up as they did every time a doctor came through the doors. When the receptionist nurse pointed her finger at them, they stood up, hearts pounding again. Instead of butterflies in their stomachs, nails pierced their insides. It was hard for them to remember how to breathe as they met the doctor in the middle of the room. What was he going to tell them?

"You're here for Olivia Benson?" He asked them carefully.

"Yes." Nick nodded. Fin and Amanda held their mouths open.

"I'm going to need you to come with me." Those words weren't the ones they wished to hear. Numbly, they followed the doctor through the doors and into another dim room. It was empty. That could only mean one thing. They knew as the doctor closed the door behind him and turned to say what he had to.