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Moving Memories
20: Recovery
Naruto's Point of View

~ (^.^) (^.^) ~

I don't think I need to explain how extremely anxious I was having to face Kiba after Sasuke. As expected, it was almost impossible for me to look at him without wanting to break down into tears from how bad I felt about everything, and his emotion made it really hard to keep myself together too. In the end, the process was simple. I explained myself to him, he explained himself to me, and that was that. We're so similar that things between us usually go pretty smoothly. Then again, those same similarities can cause some negative friction between us too. But we manage.

I'm not gonna say reverting back to a friendship where we don't make-out every day is easy, because it's not. But we're about as close as we can be under the circumstances. We'll be awkward and treat each other weirdly for a while, but that'll eventually get old and then all will be right in the world again.

As for Sasuke, I've come to accept the fact that I do wanna return to him, and that it's okay for me to want that. I want him back in my life. Not today and not tomorrow, but someday. It's been a few weeks and I've seen neither hide nor tail of him, but I couldn't let how I really felt about that show at first. I pretended I was alright. In fact, I pretended I was happy, as if the shallow complacency me and Kiba created hadn't waned at all.

Refusing to acknowledge my resurfacing desire for Sasuke might've just been me acting stubborn. Or maybe it was just me being afraid. But I'm willing to bet it was a bit of both. I just didn't wanna go running back to him so soon, and I think there were alotta reasons for that. The biggest, most pressing reason I kept pretending I wasn't affected by the last day we spoke is that the timing just wasn't right. It still feels off, so I keep running myself in circles until it's not.

If I'm being honest with myself, I can't stop thinking about him and... missing him. Beneath all my sad attempts at hating Sasuke, I actually have little memories of us pocketed that I regularly return to. A thought to fall asleep to, an image to lay down with at night, a memory to dwell on when I'm alone—I find myself thinking about Sasuke tirelessly. It's obsessive. I keep trying to ignore that obsession, but that, of course, only makes it worse. I thought about him before, yes, but not like this. And once things heated up with me and Kiba, I thought about Sasuke even less, if at all.

Oh, who am I kidding? I did say I was being honest with myself, so let's be honest. Nothing really changed at all.

Maybe I don't actually think about him any more than normal. Maybe the thoughts have just become more pressing to me. Maybe I was always thinking about him this much and just not knowing, or letting myself accept it. For a while there, I was running on mere basics. I didn't let myself think much about anything except getting through the day ahead of me. And once that phase receded, it was replaced by the Kiba stage. At that point, I think that, rather than not thinking about Sasuke at all, I was just replacing him with Kiba in my head. That's sorta sick, but I know Kiba was doing the same between Gaara and me. We both misused each other, but we were both willing too.

But let's be forthright. I've already recognized the whole addicted to lovelust incident as something in particular, and I think that same something will describe my phase with Kiba too: a distraction. Sasuke was never really replaced by these things. He was just eclipsed. I simply turned my attention elsewhere and pretended he didn't exist. Sasuke never truly left my mind. Even if it was me pushing him into dark corners where I could ignore him, he was an ever-present phantom in the shadows of my head.

So, really, what changed?

I was just pretending to hate him because it was the easy thing to do. Yet, it's so difficult to do anything but want him at the same time. It was more difficult still to want him when I knew I just... wasn't ready for him yet. I wasn't ready for his face, or his voice, or his presence, and certainly not his love. So I guess my solution was to just act like I wasn't longing for him the way I am. But no matter how much I act on the outside, I can't avoid the truth on the inside. But I don't really want to, do I? Since we're being frank, let me also face the fact that I was never really glad Sasuke was gone. So, then, why was I pretending I was?

As much effort as I put into this facade, it was as transparent as a glass wall. Kiba saw through it. I know that. And, dear god, it made me feel guilty.

He knows that the whole change he helped me complete was shallow at best, and that it's all but completely expended itself from my body. I wasn't emotionally invested in it before, and the lack of investment has only multiplied about a billion times after seeing Sasuke. My energy levels and attitude really did incline once I turned my attention from my blood bonds to Kiba. Can't hide that truth. My health went nowhere though. My body regained some weight and my skin and hair stopped looking so... dead. But those were just physical changes, and weak ones at that. Emotionally and mentally, I was a fucking wreck.

Kiba knew that all along, from the very beginning. Sasuke made him see that he was just living in a fantasy by believing he could heal me though.

These aren't things Kiba has never known. They're things he knowingly ignored, things I ignored too. We were forced to see these things in the plain light of day by Sasuke, but it's hurting Kiba way more than me. He had to watch me parade around like a jackass and pretend I was still in the state of mind I was when I decided to settle with him, but I wasn't and I'm not. He saw me, had been seeing me, struggle to not accept Sasuke with open arms. Witnessing me reboot for a man he was trying to replace not so long ago isn't easy for him.

At one point, he and I were in silent solidarity. We were struggling through the same thing, losing the most precious thing to our beings at the time. We each recognized that we respectively came in close second to that lost love, so we rashly decided we could at least settle for being satisfied with each other. Kiba began to want more though. I wasn't doing enough to keep him distracted. He wanted deeper, more genuine love from me. He wanted something as intense as I think only Gaara could provide. And when I couldn't give that to him, he demanded I cut the ties holding me back. He might not have discarded the idea completely, but I think he let his heart believe I would choose him over Sasuke. I couldn't though.

Then, as we each tried to re-accept reality, we had to split ways. We were looking at each other from different spaces, and that meant he'd been isolated from the one thing he'd been looking to for support all along: me.

I don't have to go back to struggling with the fact that Sasuke is gone from my life because Sasuke is here. He's patiently waiting for me to let him back inside. Gaara is nowhere to be found, and he won't be found. He doesn't wanna be. He's never coming back to Kiba, and I know that. So Kiba watched me drag my feet toward Sasuke at a snail's pace, and that infuriated and upset him. He was infuriated because because he'd give anything to have a chance with Gaara again, but he was upset too because he really could see himself being comfortable with me. Sasuke re-staked his claim on my heart, though, and took that possibility away.

I see the torture of loneliness and rejection eating him alive more and more by the day, and I wanna comfort him. God, I wanna comfort him so badly. I wanna kiss away every ounce of his pain—and, yes, I mean that in a very intimate way. I don't wanna hug him like I'd hug a friend. I wanna lay him down in bed and make him scream until all his frustration has passed. I wanna caress him until his tear ducts are dry when he cries. I wanna de-stress him until he does nothing but whimper and sigh contentedly. I wanna take away everything he's holding inside with my lips, my breath, my body.

It's because I don't even know how to touch him in a friendly way anymore that I can't offer him any comfort. I don't know that I'd even be helpful though. I mean, how can we interact so quickly after our "break up" and not feel drawn to each other that way? It's natural that we need time to, y'know, adjust our minds. I know I personally needed time to start looking at Kiba as my friend again and not my fuck buddy.

Sasuke didn't catalyze revelations for just Kiba though. He made me see some things too.

For one, I had to realize that I was being reckless. Even though I know I was doing a good thing turning my life around with Kiba, I was wrong to take advantage of my best friend like that. Kiba was just so willing, like the vampires I'd peppered around me. He woulda done anything for me, but it was wrong because it wasn't love that was driving him on. It was loneliness, sadness, need. As for me, it was just lust, lovelust.

Beyond that, I realized something that was obvious and, yet, still so elusive. Kiba and I both recognized throughout our excursion together that despite how much better I seemed to be getting, one thing never changed. I had no growth in appetite. I realized way back when Kiba and I were just becoming a thing that my appetite was the one thing I could honestly attribute to the depression over losing Sasuke. As for everything else, depression was an excuse to not address it. In any case, I realized it then and I had to realize it again.

I was miserable.

Sasuke reminded me of what a true bond felt like, but that wasn't a flowery process. It was terrible. I had to do alotta hurting. I had to stop rejecting Sasuke in my mind, which meant realizing how painfully absent he was from my life. It was miserable to constantly recognize such a strong bond go completely untouched. It's almost like having blue balls, but in the heart.

By making me recognize that I was living in a fantasy, Sasuke also made me see myself from a point of view I'd been rejecting. He made me stop and look at what I'd been doing. I consciously acknowledged that the blood bonds I'd been exploiting were just a fucked up way of coping for me. Why I chose to become a certified whore to avoid my pain, I don't know; but I had to realize what'd become of me. I stopped sleeping with vampires, but I just reset my predatory sights onto Kiba instead. No matter the phase—the blood bond phase or the Kiba one—I was feeding my own monster inside.

My blinders crumbled at my feet. It wasn't so much what Sasuke said though. It was what he made me feel that was really illuminating for me. He touched me and I just felt his entire being rush into me. I saw myself from his perspective, from the view of someone who loves and wants to protect me but can't because I'm making my own self my enemy. Accepting these realizations would be a struggle for anyone, so of course it was difficult to break the facade I'd been perpetuating. I was too scared to strip away all those fake layers I'd put up because I knew that what was inside would be raw and probably pretty ugly.

Sasuke didn't cause only Kiba suffering. He caused me some pain too.

He drove the spike of reality through both our chests, and we both had our own struggles with coping. Kiba wants to ease my silent suffering just as much as I wanna comfort him. I've seen him wiping the fake smile off my face in his dreams, and he lets me just be broken in his arms, and he mends me in whatever ways he can. And when he wakes, he feels his sadness heavily enough for the both of us, because I'm too busy pretending I'm not sad at all. Kiba wants to care for me. I sense that desire all over every inch of him, but I haven't made any effort to redefine the boundaries between us. He's too afraid to put hands on me, but that's good, because he should be, because I'm afraid to put hands on him too.

I know what you must be thinking. Why did I let myself suffer when Sasuke was right there waiting to have me? I've come to terms with the fact that I really want Sasuke back, as much as I know he wants me. But I also had to come to terms with the fact that I just wasn't ready for him. I'm still so broken, but I could sense how amazingly whole he's become. He's changed so much that I was no longer worthy of him. I had so much to improve before I could feel at par with him again. As it was at that point, if he were to touch me, I'd feel like I was tainting him.

So what could I do? How could I become worthy of Sasuke again?

The answer was hidden at first, but a tentative conversation with Kiba cleared it right up. He was bold enough to address my lack of contact with Sasuke. He asked me if I wasn't waiting too long to reconnect with him. I think, in all honesty, he just can't fathom why I'm keeping myself away from Sasuke for so long. He himself would be back at Gaara's side in an instant, so he can't understand why I'm dragging my feet.

"I'm scared," I told him.

He shrugged. "You were scared with me in the beginning too," he pointed out. "You got over it."

At that point, I was speechless. Kiba was right. I'd been hesitant about beginning anything with Kiba because I was afraid I'd end up exploiting him... like I did. I did get over it though. And I got over it because I realized I could use him as a stepping stone in getting to where I really wanna be, which is relying on no bonds at all. I have to get to that space if I'm gonna be with Sasuke again. There just isn't room for anyone else. Sasuke has to be my one and only, and I know that.

So that was how Kiba brought the solution to my mind. My bond with him was amazing, though still weak in comparison to Sasuke. Still, it was enough to replace a great deal of the blood bonds I'd made. That was step one, I'd say. He drew me away from rock bottom and made me realize that what I needed was not those bonds. At the time, what I needed was him, but now he's done all he can do for me. Just like those blood bonds had to one day be given up, he's gotta expire too.

No amount of what I'd been creating, even with Kiba, could ever heal my wounds or replace what'd vanished. All they ever did and could ever do was make me forget, but I couldn't just keep on forgetting forever. What I need now can't coexist with him. If the time was ever gonna come for me to make that final step toward total change, it's now. It's time for me to take this vitality I've managed to reclaim and use it to become an even better person. For myself, yes. For Kiba too. But mostly for Sasuke.

So the task began. Breaking all bonds and becoming myself again. For Sasuke.

The process is easy enough. I just think of the person and imagine myself closing a door or something symbolic like that. There's not really any physical indication that anything has changed, but I know inside that it has. I can feel in my soul that something's missing. But, in my case, they're just extra baggage anyway, things I won't actually miss.

Although, I must admit that true change hasn't been easy. What should I expect though? I'm an addict.

Beyond the physical aspects, there are emotional and mental aspects to lovelust. As a bijuu, I'm sorta programmed to crave multiple bonds, but I started looking beyond blood bonds to vampires. I started looking toward exploiting more emotional bonds too, because in my experience they've been more satisfying. It's clear that only one vampire is gonna satisfy me, but maybe just a few carefully selected humans could do the trick too.

You'd think that I'd be lead right back to Kiba's allure, but that wasn't really the case. I felt this deep need for more than even Kiba could give me. So, yeah, I wanted him, but I wanted more too. My prowess as the kyuubi has been no help in this area either, because I'm too good at wooing people. Lately, it seems like they just swoon for me. I have to fight that addicted frame of mind though, because I don't want fake love. I want the real kind.

Replacement love is outta bounds for me, but the real kind is sorta outta reach too.

With space in my heart freed up, I became painfully aware of how empty I really am without Sasuke. I want him here to fill the gaps the way no one else could ever replicate, so the suffering doubled. I became so torn up inside by my need for a man I couldn't yet accept into my life that I'm sure the smile on my face turned into a grimace, because everyone started treating me like a china doll. Even Sakura eased up on me, totally abandoning her lingering distrust of me. She stopped giving me the chase and, instead, turned to hold on tight, literally telling me that she was more worried about me losing myself again than she was about getting the right apology outta me.

Over just a couple nights, the work I'd been doing breaking bonds took its toll on my body. I started looking sick again. No, that's not even the word. More like totally emaciated.

My friends kept quiet about it, even though it was obvious that I wasn't okay. My guess is that Kiba assured them I was under control, which I was. For the first time in a long time, I was under control. I was actively battling the sickness. I knew that eating would strengthen me and make the lovelust wane. Once I begin neglecting my own health, my body craves bonds to pick up the slack and keep me from, y'know, dying. That's the physical part of the lovelust. So if I just eat, then my body won't be tricked into thinking it needs to make bonds. The problem was that I was still depressed though, so eating was still pretty difficult to do.

Despite his troubles, Kiba got me through that. He didn't give up on me. He saw me trying to fight. And even though it was hard to watch me fight myself so hard for Sasuke when I couldn't be bothered to do it for him too, he managed to get over himself and stand at my side. He did his damnedest to keep me healthy. If not for him, I might've been in a real bad condition. I wouldn't have let myself go back to feeding off bonds, but I might not have been able to motivate myself to eat quickly enough either. I coulda ended up in the hospital, or worse.

Kiba took care of me though. He cooks for me, talks to me, laughs with me, cries with me, looks at me and says nothing, looks away and says everything. Whatever I need, Kiba gives. He's the anchor he's always been.

Soon enough, the blood bond numbers declined to zero. Or, actually, I should say one, because there's one blood bond I'll never break. As for my other poison, Kiba... well... I think it's obvious that I won't be breaking that one. It's not a blood bond, but I learned how to use it like one. So, yeah, it's just as bad for my recovery to keep it lingering around, but how could I ever cut myself off from Kiba? It just ain't happening.

My struggle with him is learning to convert the bond back to what it'd been before I morphed it into something I could exploit. He and I've always had a bond. I don't need to break it. I just need to find the will to stop abusing it. Even though I've largely mastered my urges for him, we still try not to physically touch any more than necessary. I can see it in every facet of his being that it hurts him. Without Gaara, I became Kiba's source of peace. And now without me, he doesn't know what to do. I might've broken his heart a little bit, but he's still been a key part in my recovery, even in my recovery from him. I can say now that I'm pretty much fully recovered, and it's mostly thanks to him supporting me. I'm still putting the pounds back on, but it's been a full 180 if you ask me.

I'm almost ready for Sasuke. I feel one last thing pulling us apart, but I actually think the only way to solve that particular thing is by facing him. I've been selfish though, and Kiba has been selfless with me. Before I take this last step with Sasuke, I'm helping Kiba out. I won't let myself get lost in my heart while Kiba stands outside suffering on his own. If I can't touch him, then I need to find a way to help him otherwise. He figured it out for me, so I have to figure it out for him. I'm at the peak of my upward climb, but Kiba is starting to fall downhill. With me needing his support less and less, he's deflating. He's been keeping himself up for me, but now he's on the brink of just disappearing into nothingness.

His pain really started to show through again when we came home from class one day to see his things in boxes littered across the living room. On the coffee table lay a key and note explaining that whatever Kankuro and Temari hadn't judged to be a necessity was in a storage unit just a couple blocks away from us. Kiba spent the rest of that afternoon bawling shamelessly. Seeing all his things in my place like that was a real slap in the face to him. I know he'd been slowly acclimating to the idea of him being the one to leave Gaara, but he wasn't ready for the big step to happen so quickly. For the first time since he could remember, he was truly separated from Gaara. Moving his things out had been seriously symbolic to him. It, naturally, struck him where it hurt the most to feel such a finality settle between them.

It was heartbreaking for me to watch Kiba suffer so plainly, but I couldn't give my comfort. We both knew why, but that only added insult to injury. In the time since that event, I've seen no change in Kiba for the better. He's still struggling with the idea of leaving Gaara, perhaps with even more difficulty than before. It was one thing for him to slowly decide to leave, especially with me to distract him so well, but it was a whole other thing to basically be kicked out. Even though they've been completely ostracized from each other the whole time Kiba's been living with me, it seems like Kiba was holding on to a hope that things could still go back to how they used to be.

But Gaara isn't ever coming back this time. I know that without a doubt in my heart.

I know things between us are still too tender for me to do anything for him on my own, so I've formulated a plan, and it's ingenious really. I don't know how well it'll go over with everyone, but that doesn't really matter. I know Kiba will approve, so I just need to get Gaara on board too. It's perfect timing to put it into action, since we're about to finish classes for summer break and we'll need all that time for them to get back on their feet together. This is the one way I can conceive of reconciling the fracture between my friends. Gaara and Kiba are just nothing without each other. All I've gotta do now is actually get to Gaara, and that brings me to where we are now.

"Go home," Kankuro insists as he suddenly appears right in my face.

I barely have a chance to stop myself from running into him. "Dang, man! Don't just pop up like that."

Kankuro is in no mood for light conversation though. "Go home," he repeats flatly.

I sigh. Can't even get halfway there before being cut off. "How do you know I'm even heading to your building, huh?" I ask, even though I obviously am. "Is the buffer zone getting bigger? How far out are we now? What, a mile? I can't get within a mile of you guys?"

"Three," Kankuro corrects easily.

I'm shocked and slightly outraged for a moment, but I know what Kankuro is about to say so I don't really bother committing to either reaction.

"It's safer this way," Kankuro goes on, "and you know it."

I do.

"And beyond that, it's just cruel if you keep 'wandering' into our part of town," he adds.

"Cruel?" I repeat.

Kankuro pauses for a moment and then relaxes. I realize then just how tense he's been. He finally takes on the attitude of someone talking with a friend, and I'm thankful for that. I've missed having friends. "I don't want to watch my brother suffer, and your presence makes him suffer," he says. "I care for you, Naruto, but not more than I care for my family."

I nod. "Can't argue with that."

"No, you can't," he agrees, "so please just go home and stop trying to sneak around."

"But I can't," I reply. I feel sympathy for him, but he can't understand how important it is that I get to Gaara yet. I can see him deflate, and I know it's because he was hoping I'd be agreeable and just cooperate. But I won't.

"You've never even given me an honest reason for why you wanna be around," Kankuro points out, "so why should I humor you at all?"

"Good point," I reply, and I can see Kankuro is promptly confused. "But today," I go on, "I'm gonna tell you the truth." His expression turns wary. I think he's waiting for the catch. "But not before I tell it to Gaara." And there it is.

"Naruto," Kankuro groans.

I can tell he's tired of this, but I'll never tire. I'll get to Gaara one way or another. I can see Kankuro is at his wit's end, so I quickly continue talking.

"Just wait," I say. I pull my backpack off my back and unzip it, showing him what's inside. "Look. I have all this anti-venom stuff. I mean, I would survive an attack from a dozen vampires with this arsenal." I peer up at him and he seems to be contemplating the bag's contents intently. "And you know he won't be able to resist my commands if he does bite me," I add, hoping that'll be reassuring.

Of course, it's not. It causes Kankuro to snap his eyes to meet mine, burning in a way I've never seen them burn before. "Are you suggesting that you want to control my brother?" he asks, his voice dangerous. I've, clearly, struck a nerve that I didn't mean to.

"No!" I say quickly. "All I'm saying is that it's an added defense," I clarify. I pause as he thinks this over. He knows he can't argue with that though. "I'm prepared, Kankuro," I say after a second. "Please, just let me come this once. If what I have to say isn't enough for Gaara, then I'll never try again," I promise. And it's true. If this doesn't work, I know there's nothing I can do to save my friends.

The more he weighs the options, the more eager I start to feel until I'm lightly bouncing on the balls of my feet. Eventually, he concedes. It's, of course, with a sigh and an obvious look of "I'm gonna regret this", but it's a concession all the same. He gets all tense again and doesn't relax after that, no matter how much I try to make casual conversation. His mind is clearly preoccupied, so I eventually just stop trying. I think he's trying to prolong the inevitable as much as possible because he chooses to walk at a normal pace with me to the nearest bus stop. And when we get off two blocks down from the compound, he continues to walk me at a casual pace all the way to his building. I don't mind though. It gives me a chance to rehearse what I'm gonna say.

As the elevator takes us up the final stretch, Kankuro's incessant finger tapping against the wall pulls me from my thoughts.

I glance at him and sense tension in every line of his being, so I touch his shoulder gently. "Calm down."

He scoffs. "As if I could be calm." He looks over at me. "You know, he sensed you coming before even I did. That means he's becoming more sensitive to you, and there're only two reasons a vampire would become more sensitive to something. Either it's become dear to them, or it's become their prey. And I don't think you've become very dear to him." He pauses, as if giving me a moment for that information to really sink in. It does and my grip on his shoulder tightens slightly. Then, he adds, "You're lucky he told me you were approaching instead of just going off and killing you before any of us had a clue."

"But he told you in the end, right?" I point out. "That counts for something, doesn't it?"

Just then, the elevator dings. Kankuro cuts off conversation and pulls me behind his frame protectively as the doors open. I peer around his shoulder to see Gaara standing right there in the middle of the room, staring intently as we walk inside. Temari is standing at his side with one hand gripping his shoulder tightly. That makes me even more aware of how serious the situation is. Maybe being a bijuu puts me too much at ease. Yeah, if he bit me, I could, more or less, control him. But he could also rip out my throat before I have a chance to stop him, and I know that's what he wants to do right now. I sense it all around him. I've finally recognized the danger as I meet his gaze and my arrogance flees.

He looks scarier than I ever remember seeing him before. I feel a bit of fear, so Kankuro takes that as the cue for us to not get any closer. I end up bumping into his back when he stops because I'm so lost in Gaara's eyes, and not in a good way. At least the bump allows me to break the stare and clear my head before I'm too unsettled. The tension in the air literally seems to crackle as the silence stretches out, and I realize I'll have to start the encounter. I shift on my feet slightly and Kankuro thinks I'm getting sneaky, so he shifts to mirror me in case I'm trying to bypass him. I ignore that and, instead, open my mouth to speak.

"I'm sorry."

Gaara's expression is replaced with genuine surprise.

"Yes," I say, nodding, "I'm apologizing." I give him a second to process before going on. "I really thought about things, Gaara, and I realized that I've been looking at everything wrong. I've been looking at things like a human, and that was the stupidest, most basic mistake a person could make. With that perspective, I could never know what it's like to live like you."

The shock dissipates and his lips pull into a thin line.

"But I understand now," I continue. "I'm not here to tell you to go back to how you used to be, because I know I could never go back to who I used to be either. I realize now that it's just not fair to ask you for something like that. It's not fair to put that kinda pressure on you. Kiba and I," He struggles to not react to Kiba's name, but that in itself is a reaction. "—we both just thought you could change at will. We thought you could just... be human. But you're not, and I understand that now, because neither am I."

"Don't commiserate with me," Gaara suddenly says.

I'm surprised to hear him speak. I've been tuned into him, but his mind is so loud that I couldn't anticipate one of his thoughts actually jumping out his mouth. Part of that calamity is because reading minds is still new to me. I can only really get fractions and fragments from Gaara, and I'm only figuring it out by pairing it with the things I feel clouding up his aura. Beyond that though, I'm surprised to hear his voice sounding so... normal. Everything about him has seemed to have changed, but that voice confirms that he's still himself.

"I'm not a vampire," I agree, because I know that was the main reason why he expressed that particular thought. "I'm different, but suffering is not circumstantial. It can be anything. I don't know your lust, but I know mine, and I know what it means to suffer because of it. Don't try to lump yourself away as some special, unique case. All that does is give you room to pity yourself. You're not the first to struggle with this, Gaara."

"I know that!" he snaps.

"Maybe you do," I concede, "but you keep feeling like you're alone anyway, like you own the torch on suffering. No one could possibly know your pain. No one could possibly help. Nothing could ease this, right? That's what your feeling. I can sense it all over you."

This causes his eyes to narrow and his lips to pull into a snarl.

"That pisses you off," I point out, "but you're not mad at me. You're mad at your own self for feeling so irrationally. But let me tell you something, Gaara. That won't stop. I know that already. This will not get better. You and Kiba have a bond way too strong to just snap it like it's nothing."

I can see that the words hurt him, but he narrows his eyes into a glare to hide the pain. I go on more gently, trying to battle the anger he uses to mask the frailty he refuses to let show. As if everyone in this room couldn't sense it on their own.

"If I know anything, it's bonds," I go on. "I mean, I'm a bijuu. Bonds are sorta my specialty. You and Kiba have something too special to ignore."

"I don't wanna talk about Kiba," Gaara says curtly.

"He wants to forget," Kankuro adds. I realize he's looking at me over his shoulder again, so I shift my focus to him. "Let him forget."

It's a plea. I can see that Kankuro is prepared to grovel in a way that Gaara would never do. For his brother, I know that Kankuro would do anything. I understand that he wants to protect Gaara, but there are things that a person can't be protected from. Some things, you just have to brave.

"He can't," I say bluntly, because I know. I remember wishing for the very same thing, to be able to forget. "He can never forget. Once it's there, it's never gonna leave. I can dig into him. I feel his core. Can't you? Why are we so confused about why he isn't getting better? Am I really the only one using empathy here?"

No one says anything. They all think it's a rhetorical question, but it's not. It only takes a second for me to know that Temari and Kankuro can empathize with their brother. Of course they can. They're siblings. They just aren't addressing it, not really. They know it's there, but they're pretending it's not. I think it's because they themselves are too weak to witness their brother in such truly inescapable agony.

"He won't get better," I say frankly. "He'll never get better. I'm not even a vampire and I know that mating doesn't happen lightly, and it doesn't just stop when you want it to either."

I look at Gaara, really look at him, and I feel us connect. He sees me clearly. I know he does, because I literally feel my intentions seeping into him. If I'd had even a single brain cell to spare, I'd have recognized that I finally accomplished the whole trading thing. I'm giving Gaara my energy, but I don't pay attention to that in the moment. I've got bigger fish to fry.

Gaara stays silent, but there's shift in his energy that Kankuro and Temari both feel. Slowly, I taper the connection, because I don't really want him invading my personal bubble freely. When it cuts off, his eyes focus back on the present moment and so do mine.

"I know it sounds stupid," I say, because it really does. "—but there's a point," I add, because there really is.

"I see it," Gaara says simply, softly. After a moment, he adds, "We have to know how strong the bond is before I can make him my true mate."

I nod. I don't need to lay my plan out in black white, because Gaara has it in his head. He takes a moment to imagine the pros and the very bloody cons. He judges how much faith and trust he can invest in me, and then he nods at me in silence. And despite the fact that I'm about to have him chomp down into me, I feel relieved.

To be continued...