Chapter 16: Coming Home
The thirty days he had promised her came and went with the cool London winter. The time away from him had given Nellie no peace and she found that, to the disappointment of herself, she could not cope with being alone. She had known that she would miss him, there was never any question, but even in the days before he was late coming home, she found herself crying to sleep every night and feeling sick at the movements of her own unborn child. Toby had done much to make things easy on her, believing, as Nellie thought, that if he made this time enjoyable she might not let him come back. So, despite the fact that she did not ask, he had taken on run of the shop and house, leaving only finance to Mrs. Lovett herself.
Though Sweeney was well over sixty days late, she still found herself keeping to his orders, sleeping in his shirts at night and leaving her hair loose during the day. She went through every shirt he had that was unwashed, savoring the scent of him at night if she could catch it on the fabric. A part of her didn't want to be seen unless it was by him and so, though it made her feel useless, she confined herself to bedroom and parlor, avoiding places he would sit or lay as though he were still there. The most peaceful nights she had while he was gone took place during the snow storm. The sound of the wind and falling snow made it easier for her to sleep, creating a presence that enveloped her and let her feel less alone.
When the second month closed and the snow had calmed, the loneliness set in again and Nellie could feel her heart sinking lower with every day. The baby was due soon, some few weeks away, and she could feel the changes setting in. Her energy, what was left of it, was dying and she could feel the turning in her stomach intensifying as the baby grew. It terrified her that she might be alone, that she would likely be alone. She began to sleep in the parlor to avoid looking at the cradle and in the vain hope that if he did come back she would be there to welcome him home.
As for the barber, his first month gone was spent tracking the judge from London to Edinburgh. Sweeney made certain that the judge would know he was coming, along with an apprentice to be trained, and alerted the hotel keeper of the inn he was traveling to so that he would be allowed to practice from his room. Some twenty applications to be apprenticed came through and he spent his waiting time in Edinburgh going over them and interviewing the men. He settled on a young boy without family who would not be missed. While awaiting Turpin's visit, Sweeney kept up appearances, shaving customers and allowing them to live while earnestly teaching the boy his trade. The time between customers when his apprentice was out allowed him to flesh out his plans for the judge, leaving no time to dwell over Nellie until night when he would pace the length of the room, unable to sleep. The thought of the child would creep into his thoughts, causing him to pause and drink until he could only remember his first. Only two weeks passed until he received the letter he had been waiting for.
"Mr. Todd,
I request your services tomorrow evening at three o'clock. I intend to return to London a week early and must look refreshed for my return. You have the reputation of being the best barber in London and so I must assume by all accounts that you are also the best barber in Edinburgh. You will be paid what you deserve and commended with due respect upon my return to business in London pending that I am satisfied with your work. Turn your answer in through my pageboy.
The Honorable Judge Turpin"
Sweeney threw the letter aside when he finished it and took a moment to jot down a doting reply before handing it to the waiting pageboy. A sense of excitement that lay dormant since his failed attempt on the Judge's life in London awoke and he found himself feeling something close to joy for the first time in months, perhaps in sixteen years. The rest of the night he lay awake, writing off and on in his journal, thinking of both Lucy and Nellie as the realization that the end of the last half of his life was dawning. By morning he had packed his bags and paid his hotel bill, going ahead to place a bag along the path he would leave by.
Arriving at the Judge's residence with his apprentice, he found all but one servant to be dismissed for the day. The lone butler led them through the servants' entrance and to the personal quarters of the judge who by stroke of luck had taken no company for the day. The judge himself sat somberly in a chair by the fireplace of his temporary office. Upon seeing the barber enter the room he stood to greet him. A stern, yet pondering look resting on his face.
"Good evening, Mr. Todd. I trust that Matthew offered you all due respect when you knocked?" There was rusted twinge in the Judge's voice and a moment of hesitation rested in the air between the two men.
Mr. Todd gave a soft bow of the head after the Judge's greeting, taking in his countenance. "All due respect received, where would you like business to be conducted? I hope that you don't mind my apprentice observing today's session."
Judge Turpin crossed the room to a readied chair. "No bother at all, Mr. Todd. I had a chair brought from one of the shops around the street." As he spoke he sat himself down, a heaviness to his movements. "It should do well enough."
Sweeney made his way to the chair and took the sheet from his bag, draping it over the chest of the Judge. "You seem tense, your Honor." He began to set up his shaving cream, lathering it in the bowl. "Anything on your mind? My apprentice knows all due silence."
The Judge let out a sigh, relaxing in his seat beneath the white cotton sheet. "My ward. She turns sixteen upon my return and I intend to have her to wife." Sweeney let the chair back, holding down the rage in his chest as the image of his daughter's wedding the Judge filled his mind. "I have done all I can these past years to make her feel safe and loved though I fear that she's touched. My associates tell me of how melancholy she seems, how she stares at the street. After all these years, it seems that she still suffers from poor parentage in her early months."
Keeping a steady hand, the Judge's cheeks were brushed with the soft perfumed cream, his eyes closing as Sweeney ran his blade over the strop. Keeping a cool hand, he began to shave at the corners. He knew if he were not careful the plan would be disrupted. Taking a slow breath in, he shaved the cheeks clean, edging in closer to the neck to clear the scruff. The Judge seemed not to notice that Mr. Todd did not answer him, relaxing under the blade. In the moment that Sweeney knew that the Judge had reached total relaxation, the blade of the razor slipped into the skin like a hot knife through butter. Sweeney's hands pressed against throat and mouth as the blood gushed, a sense of shock taking over the Judge prevented him from making any audible sound. A sense of soft relief filled the barber as the life fled the Judge's upturned eyes.
When all movement ceased, Sweeney lifted his hands from the Judge's body and turned to his apprentice who had frozen in horror, a pale complexion spread over his entire body. As the barber faced him, Sweeney could see the adrenaline kick in as he began to shake. Before the boy could get more than a few steps away, he had already grabbed him and thrown him against the hearth. The fire licked onto the boy's clothing, consuming his shirt in a blaze as the boy screamed. The servant came barreling into the room upon hearing the scream to discover the barber between the two bodies. Immediately Sweeney turned to him, a look of shock and bewilderment on his face as he breathed in quick, short breaths.
"The boy's hand slipped and -and the Honorable Judge, 'e bled and the boy, he-he panicked. E' cut 'im deeper and there's nothing I could do but shove 'im off and 'e landed in the fire." Sweeney looked at his hands and pale look of horror overcoming him. The servant rushed to his Lord's side, attempting to get a response from the deceased Judge. He began to look quickly from one to the other to the next between the three other men in the room.
"I tried to save 'im." Sweeney spoke softly, concealing the utter relaxation that filled his bones. The servant gave a feeble nod, unable to take in the situation further. "I-I'll get 'elp." Leaving the servant to his master and the young boy who by then had been consumed with burns and ashes, Sweeney rushed into town, apprehending the nearest constable and telling his tale. With his upstanding reputation and connection to the shops in London, the police force allowed him to leave once the room had been examined. Leaving his materials, he took the hidden bag from the roadside and began his journey home.
Along the way there he found himself thinking of Nellie more and more the closer that he got to London. The Judge was dead, he had heard news the next town over that the Edinburgh police had fully convicted the dead boy and filed the report. His daughter was free from marriage and all that was left of his old life was purified in the ashes of the dead boy. The peace he found from the ordeal did not last long, his former angst returning as the city line appeared in view. All he could think of now was what had happened before he left. London was full of men who had taken advantage of and abused Nellie and whether she consented or not mattered little to him. Though he was returning home on time, he spent the next month methodically hunting down men who claimed to have known her, killing any who knew her by name. The deep winter snow covering his trails and the London underground protecting him from harm.
The morning that he did come back the snow had stopped entirely and Toby had not woken yet to open the shop. A string of murders had kept the city in a tight lock of routine. No businesses were allowed to open until curfew was lifted and the warm weather front meant that the curfew would be heavily enforced. Mrs. Lovett found herself waking up rather stiffly, rubbing her back as she stood and lamenting the hollows of her eyes as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. A hand reached for the pins on the nightstand reflexively, stopping, however, as she thought, unwillingly, of the fingers that would run through the loose curls. Letting out a soft sigh she straightened her back and took a moment to breathe before going to the kitchen.
Sweeney himself had spent the night at an inn down the road. Every night that he had been back in town he had checked on the pie shop, attempting to glimpse a sight of Nellie without having to come home to consequence and child. As he walked the familiar main roads home, he fought a deep seated hesitation. His will was done and he knew now that all there was left to do was come home. His child was due soon and though the thought of fathering another baby gave him doubt, he knew he would need to be home. He had promised Nellie he would stay for her and he would keep it.
Upon entering the shop with his key he found it to be in disarray, uncleaned from the night before. No doubt Toby had been lazy and gone to bed when the new nightly curfew had hit. Sighing, he began to clean the shop before leaving his bag on the counter and entering the parlor, surprised that Nellie was not there to finish dressing her hair for the day. Walking to the bedroom, he paused upon not seeing her there either, slight concern rising in his chest.
"Nellie?" He called out.
In the kitchen Nellie placed the plates on the table, readying herself to call Toby to help with the cooking. As she reached to place the last one on the table she heard her name being called and froze in place. It was distant but sounded so near and familiar that it caused her heart to stop. Nellie swallowed as silence took over once again and shook her head softly.
"I'm getting crazy," she muttered to herself, finishing the lay of the table.
Still in her dressing gown, Nellie made her way to the bedroom, wanting to dress herself before allowing Toby into the kitchen. The poor boy didn't deserve to know just how badly the barber's absence affected her.
Having heard no answer to his call, Sweeney let out a soft sigh and sat on the bed. Resting his elbows on his knees, he took his head in his hands, assuming that the baker was out, and took a moment to rub away his headache before laying back on the bed. His hands folded over his stomach as his eyes closed and he allowed himself to sleep for the first time since the night before.
When she entered the dark room it took her eyes a moment to adjust but she soon saw the man laying across her bedspread. Instant shock and slight terror filled her and she jumped, letting out an audible gasp.
Having not fully fallen asleep, her gasp was immediately heard by Sweeney who bolted upright in the bed, a hand automatically going to the pocket with his concealed razors. Seeing the shaking baker in the doorframe, he calmed and let his hand relax.
"You shouldn't sneak like that, pet."
The sound of his voice made Nellie tremble, her legs buckling as she leaned against the wall for support. She could feel the color draining from her face and she wondered if she might be hallucinating in delusion.
Sweeney gazed into her eyes, the size of platters as she stared at him, unable to find words or balance. He gave a soft smirk, standing up and approaching her slowly.
"I thought you would be glad that I came back." He kept his voice low and soft, knowing his extended absence would cost him leverage with the baker. A blossom of content spread through his chest as he saw a hint of his shirt beneath her gown, though he felt a cloud of guilt hovering over it. Neither of which he was happy about.
Nellie could feel tears prick at the corners of her eyes as she took stock of him. His clothing was dirty, he seemed thinner and less stable and his eyes were sunken more than usual. Still… he was here and he was him.
"You came back…" she whispered softly, a flutter of movement in her abdomen accompanying her words.
"Of course I did, pet… I did promise you that I would…" His hands reached out to her, taking her forearms in his palms and pulling her from the support of the wall and into his arms.
As familiar as his touch was to her skin, so achingly familiar that she shivered at the feeling of his skin on hers, Nellie could feel her heart sinking to her stomach and she felt her head shake as she pulled away from him. Her jellied legs found the strength to carry her from the room as quickly as they could, leaving a frowning barber behind.
Following her out in confusion and rejection, Sweeney took hold of her arm more forcefully.
"What?" He demanded, though not cruelly. "Why are you upset with me?"
Nellie felt her strength returning as she pulled her arm away from his grip.
"Don't." Her voice held surprisingly firm, even by her expectations. The month long feeling of deception and abandonment bubbled in her chest and grabbed at her throat as she looked at him.
"Pet…" Sweeney spoke softly, taking small steps back from the baker. "I've been here in London… I came back when I said I would."
"You said one fucking month," Nellie felt herself seething as she glared at him. As his expression remained flat she felt herself swallow once more before turning away from him, walking back towards the kitchen.
Sweeney let out a soft sigh, following her once more and taking her arm in a vice grip, dragging her back into the parlor. Letting her go he leaned against the door, effectively locking it with his weight.
"I came back to London after a month. The past month I've been here." He kept his tone even and calm, trying to diffuse his lover's earned temper.
"Yeah, and you were here and didn't tell me!" Nellie glared at him accusingly, though she felt more hurt than angry. He loved her, he had said, but where was the truth in that if he was willing to abandon her for a wife and child he had left behind for dead or gone?
"I had business to attend to. I told you all about it before I left." Sweeney raised an eyebrow at her, wondering if she really had no suspicions about the rising body counts around London.
Nellie met his gaze sadly, dejectedly accepting that he wasn't going to get it.
"I've waited, Sweeney…" A shaking sigh racked through her upper body as she felt the tears dowsing the flames in her cheeks. "I've waited two months, I didn't sleep at all… And now you're back, the first thing you said wasn't even "I love you" or "I missed you." Nellie lowered her gaze, feeling ashamed as she cried.
"I thought it was obvious!" He felt his temper slip as she began to cry, feeling once again as if he had failed too critically to remain unattached to her. "Of course I missed you, I thought of you every day, dreamed of you even. Of course I love you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't." He crossed his arms as he spoke, trying to remain defensive rather than allow his emotions to overcome his hard won calm demeanor.
Another shaking sigh came from the little baker as he spoke, disbelief laced every word she heard and she knew that on a mission based on angelic Lucy she would be so lucky as to even cross his mind in the past two months.
"I don't believe you," she spoke quietly, keeping her eyes locked to the floor.
Sweeney could feel his frustration rising as she spoke. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to feel this way, but regardless of his wants he did feel as he did. A low growl emitted from his throat and he glared at her as he fought down his anger.
"Think, pet." His tone was harsh and cruel, causing Nellie's skin to prickle with goose bumps. "What's been happening in London while I was away?"
Nellie swallowed her words and kept her gaze locked steadily to the floor.
"Go on. Answer me." The sharpness of his command was more than enough to jolt an answer out of Nellie. He had hit her before in anger and she didn't want to feel his anger again.
Biting her inner cheek, she gave a soft answer. "It doesn't matter."
"It does. You think I've lied, it matters."
"No…" Nellie frowned softly and finally lifted her gaze to his. "You don't understand. I thought you loved me… and… I thought you wouldn't break your promise, but you did. You said you would be back, but it's been two months now, Sweeney." Her words remained soft and her depression permeated each one.
Sweeney could feel himself weakening to her tone but kept up his harsh stance. Exasperation at the whole situation weighed on his bones and he met her softened gaze.
"I do love you. I came back and I avenged you just as I have done for Lucy!"
Nellie let out a heavy sigh, feeling exasperated herself.
"I'm not a fragile little doll, for fuck's sake! You didn't need to…" Nellie cut herself off with another sigh. "It wasn't important! It wasn't supposed to matter! I was. I was supposed to matter to you. You shouldn't have cared about those men. You should have loved me instead." Nellie gave one final look at him before exiting through the back door to the bedroom, walking towards the empty bed.
He followed her into the room, not allowing the argument to end until he had won his point.
"It was important to me, you are important to me." His words, meant to be comforting, had come out harsh and belittling. "I did what I did so no man would ever dare touch you because of your past."
"You don't understand. You never did. You never fucking will." Nellie didn't bother turning away from the bed.
"Then enlighten me, pet." Sweeney continued to glare at her, wanting the ordeal to end quickly so that he could set up shop again.
Nellie could feel another shaking sigh rise up as she fought the tears returning to her cheeks.
"I'm done. I'm just so done." Her voice cracked and she swallowed it down past the lump in her throat, closing her eyes.
"You are done when I allow it." Sweeney advanced across the room, taking her forcefully by the arm and making her face him, holding her at arm's length.
Nellie let out a gasp as he took her arm again, her breath hitching and her eyes watering as she began to shake.
"I have kept every promise. I didn't rape you again, I haven't touched you, I came back. I will never say the blasted words again if you dare to say that I don't love you again, you ungrateful witch."
As he saw the slight dip of her chin as she nodded in fear, he let her go once more and Nellie felt relief flood into her.
"You need to learn how to behave," he muttered beneath his breath and Nellie felt her heart fragment itself once more. She felt herself swallow involuntarily as the threat of morning sickness rose and she lowered her gaze, frowning.
"Now, I believe I asked you what's been going on in London." His voice was eerily calm again and Nellie felt the fear take over in her.
"Mmm…" she hummed to herself, not wanting to incite him further.
"Well, what has?" His tone was sharp again and she felt herself shake a little.
"I…" Nellie bit her lip, struggling to speak as he watched her unwaveringly.
"Tell me!" His voice boomed throughout the residence and Nellie cringed as he grabbed her arm again forcefully, gasping and crying freely.
"Stop yelling…" her words were barely above a whisper.
"That doesn't answer me." His grip tightened and Nellie felt a sharp pain in her arm as the blood vessels cracked.
"W-What do you want to know exactly?" Her whole body trembled as she kept her voice as low as possible, wanting Toby to stay away from it all.
"What's been the big news? What's been in the papers daily?" His words came through gritted teeth as he held tightly to her arm.
"Some men disappeared…" She sighed shakily as she spoke, not wanting to think about them.
"Did you recognize any of them?" He pressed on, wanting her to admit what he had done.
Nellie nodded quickly and kept her gaze low, knowing if she met his, he would only be meaner.
"What did they all have in common?"
Nellie couldn't suppress another shaking sigh and she began to cry more as she thought about them. "They used me…"
"Correct. Do you know what happened to them?"
"They got… killed…"
"And who do you bloody well think did that?" His grip on her arm tightened painfully and Nellie let out a soft whimper.
"S-Stop, you're hurting me…" Nellie felt her whole body shaking as she spoke, a deep seated guilt settling in her heart as the baby moved through her womb.
His grip loosened only slightly as she spoke.
"Who. Did. It?" His tone held cruel though he began to feel guilty as he saw the pain etched on her face.
Nellie's eyes closed as she refused to look at him. "Y-You did…"
"Correct again. Why did I do it?"
Nellie shrugged slightly and looked back to the ground as his tone lost some of its sharp edge.
"I avenged you just like I had Lucy. If those men lived, then your reputation would still be marred and our child ridiculed." Though there was indefinite harshness, Nellie could tell he was trying to sound caring and it hurt more than it helped.
She swallowed again and hummed a quick response.
"Now are you still ungrateful?" He bored his eyes into hers though she would not lift them to meet his.
"You think you did me a favor?" She spoke softly, though her words shook, a small frown ever present on her face.
"I did what I had to do. I did it for you."
"Let go of me now…" Nellie pleaded softly, a sense of defeat pouring over her. She would never win.
"Are you still going to accuse me of abandonment and lies?"
Nellie shook her head softly. "Just let go… please…"
He let go of her with a sigh.
"I was going to make this a nice night. I had a present prepared for you and everything." Nellie swallowed at the tone of his voice, suggesting he cared more about a night of peace than he did her.
"I don't want it." She sat down softly on the bed, avoiding his gaze.
"Are you sure?" His calm demeanor had returned again and it seemed as though from his end of the room, nothing had ever happened. "I thought you would like it."
"Mmmm…" Nellie shook her head softly, her body still shaking softly. "Leave me alone…"
"If that's what you want…" Sweeney sighed and went back into the parlor, feeling calm now that the argument had settled and he could rest. He ignored his guilt and lay on the parlor sofa, closing his eyes.
Nellie let out a sob after he left and put her head in her hands, crying uncontrollably and feeling weaker than she had ever felt in her entire life.
Sweeney tried to rest but the sound of her sobs echoed back to him from the bedroom and he sat up softly, unable to ignore her. Hesitating, he stood and walked back to the bedroom, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as he watched her.
Nellie ignored his presence and kept crying, not wanting to acknowledge him. He could feel his guilt rise as he watched her and he crossed the room silently to kneel in front of her.
She tried to calm herself, hating the weakness she displayed as Sweeney gently placed his hands on her legs.
"Nellie…" He spoke her name softly and she hated that it made her heart twinge.
Her gaze lifted slowly as she continued to shake softly. Taking one of her hands, he kissed her palm softly. He could be so gentle after his wrath and Nellie could feel herself slipping back into his control.
"It's okay, pet…" His tone was soft and appealing. "We greeted each other on the wrong foot is all."
Nellie felt herself nod and her tears began to cease slowly.
"I… I missed you so much…" Her voice cracked and she felt shame seep into her bones.
"I missed you too, pet…" He reached his hands to her cheeks, rubbing the tears from her skin gently with his thumbs.
"Very, very much…" It seemed impossible to keep her voice even as she met his gaze.
"I'm here now…" He kept his tone quiet and intimate, knowing he could calm her and hold her if he continued.
Nellie took a shaking breath before giving in to him.
"Hold me…"
He gave a soft nod and sat on the floor, pulling her gently from the bed and into his waiting lap.
Nellie sank into his embrace, the tears returning to her cheeks as his arms surrounded her.
"Why do you always have to do this to yourself, pet?" He spoke quietly and kissed her forehead, his words sinking hooks into her heart and dragging it back up from the pits of her stomach.
She didn't answer him, instead pressing against him further, feeling ashamed and worn.
"I know you missed me… perhaps I should have written." Sweeney gave a soft sigh and held her tighter against him, allowing a hand to rest on her stomach.
Nellie wiped the tears from her cheeks with her palms softly and sniffed as he spoke.
"You should have…" Even one letter and she would have melted into him the moment he came home. As shameful an event as what happened regardless.
"Am I forgiven?" His fingers traipsed slowly through her loose curls. "You've been wearing your hair down?" He had only just noticed as she was in his lap that her hair was not pinned into place.
She nodded slightly against his chest.
"Every day…" Her words shook against him and he felt an immense guilt wash over him.
Glancing down at her, he realized that a puff of white fabric was protruding from her dressing gown and he realized that she had also been wearing his shirts.
"Pet…" He spoke softly as he loosened the laces of her gown, pulling it aside to view his shirt on her body. "You really are a bloody wonder."
A small smile came to her lips though she felt small and miserable inside.
"Am I, then? Forgiven?"
A soft sigh came from the baker and she turned to face him, putting a hand on his cheek and stroking it softly.
"Of course you are."
"I do love you." He met her gaze softly before kissing her neck.
Nellie's eyes closed, the feeling of shame still lingering as he touched her.
"And I missed you." Sweeney kissed her lips softly for the first time in two months, savoring the taste of her.
Nellie met his kiss without hesitation, allowing her love for him to swallow her hate of herself as she gave in to him.
"I shall never leave again, I swear it." He looked into her eyes as they opened at his words before kissing her once more.
Nellie bit her lower lip when he pulled away, smiling softly, though still tearing, and kissed him deeply, wanting him to envelope her and bring her away from herself.
Lifting her in his arms, he carried her back to the bed and laid her on her back gently. He pulled away his shirt and unlaced his pants before joining her on the bed at her side.
Nellie gave him a soft smile though it quickly dissipated as she felt a sharp pain in her side. Not wanting to ruin the moment of his full return, she quickly smiled again, meeting his gaze. As he lay next to her, however, he caught the quick grimace on her lips as the pain shot through her.
"What is it, pet? Have I done something to upset you?"
"No…" Nellie moved closer to him and gave him another soft kiss.
He met her kiss softly and pushed her gently from him.
"Then what is it?"
A soft moan escaped her lips as a sharper pain poked at her sides. Looking back at him she swallowed the fear that something might be wrong.
"I… I just feel strange…"
"Have you eaten at all today?" He sat up in the bed, looking at her quizzically. Her cheeks were hollower than they had been when he left and he knew she had likely not eaten as she should have.
"Well, love… I only did just wake up not long ago."
"This late in the morning?" A twinge of concern reached his voice as he realized that she herself had not opened the shop the entire time that he had been gone. "You can't fall apart every time that I'm not by your side," he said accusingly, though still worried. He got up from the bed and re-laced his pants before walking to the door.
Nellie swallowed, feeling ashamed, and sat up slowly. "Mmmm…"
"I'll be right back, stay there." Sweeney left the room after his order and made his way to the kitchen. Taking a few slices of bread and a glass of ale with him back to the bedroom. "You have to eat."
Nellie nodded again obediently and winced as another wave of pain reached her.
Sweeney sat in front of her and tore a small piece of bread for her, holding it to her lips. Nellie sighed and opened her mouth for him, rolling her eyes as he treated her like a child. After she took the bread into her mouth he raised the ale to her lips and watched as she took a small sip after ordering her to drink.
Nellie winced and moaned again as the pain returned and reached a hand down to her stomach. Sweeney set the plate and the glass down as he watched her and placed his hands on either side of her face.
"How long have you been in pain?" His tone was serious as he began to recognize the situation and Nellie couldn't help but feel afraid again. A look of panic crossed her features and she moaned again loudly as a more intense pang wracked her sides, leaving her unable to answer.
Without another word, Sweeney lifted the skirt of her gown and pulled her bloomers and stockings down, throwing them on the ground. He examined her condition in frustration.
"You're widening, we need to get a doctor."
Nellie's breath quickened as she realized she might be in labor and she met his eyes desperately, not wanting to be left alone.
"Stay here." His tone was commanding and Nellie felt herself begin to fully panic as Sweeney got off the bed and left the room.
Entering the shop, Sweeney kicked Toby awake as he lay behind the counter and ordered him to find the nearest doctor to come deliver the baby. Going into the kitchen as Toby left, he began boiling the water on the stove fire, soaking strips of cloth in it before returning to the bedroom and sitting next to his distressed lover.
"It will hurt," he warned as he lifted her skirts again to see her progress. "Far worse than anything I've ever done to you before."
"You're not helping." Nellie stared at him, panicking and feeling distraught. The baby was early, weeks early. She knew in the back of her mind that the chances her child would die were very great. She would be too small, too weak.
"I'm just trying to prepare you!" He placed a quick kiss on the inside of her knee and kept his eyes on her widening cervix. "I sent the boy for help.
Nellie took shaky breath, trying to calm her breathing. Glancing up at her, Sweeney took a moment to lean over her and kiss her softly. As his lips touched hers she felt herself calm softly, though not entirely and her desperate gaze met his.
"It'll be over in a few hours, pet…" He kept his voice soft and calm for her, trying to relax her.
Nellie gave a soft nod, not moving her eyes from his.
"Hold my hand…" She reached for him softly and he could see the petrifying fear in her eyes. She had never made it this far before.
Taking her hand softly, he looked back towards her cervix, ignoring his own fear growing as he saw the amount of blood coming.
"The doctor will be here soon. The baby won't be anywhere close for at least an hour." The memory of Johanna's birth was coming to mind and he tried to push it to his peripheral thoughts.
Another moan escaped Nellie's lips, bringing Sweeney back into the present.
"Steady your breathing," he said calmly as he watched between her legs, "it'll ease the pain slightly." As he spoke he could hear Toby running back through the shop with the footsteps of the doctor close behind.
Nellie gave another quick nod as he spoke, too panicked to do anything other than what he told her, and tried once more to steady her rapid breaths. Sweeney let go of her hand and moved to her side as the doctor reached their bedroom. Pushing her forward gently, he moved behind her so that she could rest her back against his chest. Taking another shaking breath, Nellie reached for his hand again, grasping it tightly as the doctor came in.
"I'm scared…" she whispered softly.
Sweeney could feel his heart weakening as she spoke and he put his hands on her abdomen gently.
"It will be alright, Nellie," he whispered back softly, placing a kiss on the side of her head. The doctor took a moment to watch the two of them, not used to intimate displays during the situation, and came to the bed, automatically beginning to examine Nellie. Sweeney watched as he did, not able to help feeling a twinge of jealousy as he looked over his lover.
Nellie gave a soft moan, squeezing the barber's hand tightly. After a few moments the doctor informed the two that something was odd about the delivery though it was too soon to tell why. Too much blood was leaving Nellie's body and he feared she might bleed out before the baby came. Informing the barber that he would be retrieving a midwife, he instructed Sweeney to keep her attention alert. As the doctor left, Sweeney ordered Toby out and to only bother them when the doctor returned, ignoring the surly look of the young boy.
Nellie could feel her heart pounding quickly as she took in the situation and realized there was a chance she might not live to even see the child.
"What if something goes wrong?" She looked at Sweeney, feeling an urgency to every moment, her breath hitching in her throat.
Sweeney smoothed her hair gently, taking one of the boiled strips of cloth and wiping the sweat from her brow softly. He kissed her cheek and began to rub her legs, trying to calm her as much as possible.
"It won't." His assurance was flat to her ears and she could feel the tense nature behind them.
"But what if?" Nellie let out a shaking sigh and tried to hold back her tears, feeling as though she would burst if she let them fall.
"Then I will care for it the way I did for Johanna." Sweeney squeezed her hand tightly. "I'll even care for the boy if you wish it. Nothing will happen though, I won't let it."
Nellie bit her lip, bracing against another wave of pain, and gave a soft nod though she didn't believe him.
Sweeney took his free arm and wrapped it around her torso above her stomach gently, holding her against his back. "You have terrible timing, pet."
Nellie forced a soft chuckle as the tears spilled over and she felt an intense pressure in her abdomen. Sighing, Sweeney pushed her forward softly and began to undo the laces of her gown, pulling it away from her body softly.
"You won't want to be wearing this for the next few hours."
Nellie could feel herself weakening with each burst of pain but she gave a soft nod, letting him undress her down to the shirt she had stolen from him.
"Every night?" He asked again softly, looking at his shirt over her stomach.
"Every single night…"
Sighing, he hugged her back against his chest, feeling guilt and angst as he thought about the fact that he had likely caused the stress that triggered her early labor.
Nellie gave him a small smile, believing, despite the odds that she could well survive, that this would be the night she left him.
"We're going to have a child…" her words were soft though there was little real joy in them. A child they might have but she would not be there to see it, she was certain, and a child they might have but it would be small and weak and pitiful.
"How very astute of you." He tried to give a playful tone but it fell between them. He couldn't deny that he was afraid.
Nellie gave him a weak smirk, rolling her eyes, appreciative that at least he was trying.
Sweeney kissed her hair softly, taking a moment to breathe in her scent. "Did you miss me or did you only miss a certain part of me?"
"I missed your presence… I missed all of you. I missed you being mine and me being yours…" Nellie's tone turned wistful and she watched the wall as she spoke. "I missed you. I missed you completely."
"Even with my temper?" His grip around her tightened, though not menacingly.
Nellie sighed softly and kept her gaze on the wall. "Even with your temper."
Sweeney kissed her neck and let out a soft, carnal growl. "I missed you, pet…"
Nellie couldn't help but feel as though once again he was placing his "love" for her behind what he could use her for but in what could be the last moments of her life, she cherished the cool feeling of his lips on her pulse. She closed her eyes and let out a soft contented sigh as the pain hit harder. "I missed you too…"
"Is the pain easing?" He squeezed her hand again, aware that he could feel her blood seeping onto the sheets and his pants.
Nellie moaned softly. "A bit…"
"No matter how this turns out, pet… I do love you. Do not doubt me…" As he spoke he buried his face into the loose curls around her shoulder, holding her tighter.
Nellie allowed herself to relax against him and gave a soft nod, though she couldn't help but doubt him. "I love you too…"
The two stayed pressed against each other until the doctor returned, Sweeney wiping the sweat and blood away when he could. Returned with a midwife, the doctor resumed his place between Nellie's knees. A pool of blood had formed beneath her and he could see the foot of the baby coming down through the birth canal. As soon as the foot was seen he warned the barber that it would be dangerous.
"You must let me cut your wife to save your child," the doctor urged as Nellie began to cry. "The only way to assure the safe delivery of your child is to cut your wife."
Sweeney shook his head firmly, holding Nellie tightly. "No. You will not touch her with any blade or I will slit your throat where you stand."
Nellie was barely aware of the conversation, overcome with tears and a dizzying sensation as she saw the doctor's hands return to view coated in her own blood.
Taking a glance at her, Sweeney could see the dazed look in her eyes and in a panic he took her chin in hand and forced her to look at him.
"Nellie!" He shook her chin slightly, trying to get her attention. "Eleanor!"
Nellie let out a shaky sigh, her vision starting to double and daze as she tried to focus on him. "W-What…"
"You need to push… it will be okay." He spoke softly, trying to keep her attention on him, kissing her lips softly when he finished.
Nellie gave an uneven nod, barely able to keep her head up, and squeezed his hand, finding the strength to push, moaning as the pain increased.
Sweeney watched as the doctor placed his hands between her thighs, not trusting him after his suggestion to cut Nellie. He returned her squeeze to his hand and placed a kiss on her forehead.
"Push, it will be alright."
Nellie pushed with all the strength that she had and closed her eyes as her head felt as though it had gone underwater.
"You're doing well, pet, stay with me." He spoke softly, feeling a twinge of fear as she closed her eyes. "Hey, hey, look at me." As he spoke, the doctor took a hold of the baby's legs, pulling gently as Nellie pushed, the blood gushing out with the fluid from her womb.
Nellie's breath began to come slower though she tried to breathe deeper, nearly gasping for breath as she felt like she was suffocating. "I-I feel weak, Sweeney…" Her words were breathless and listless.
"Shh, pet… you will be alright…" Sweeney began to stroke her cheek softly. "Keep pushing, keep watching me."
Nellie managed a soft nod and pushed weakly, managing to expel the baby's legs, the doctor informing her to keep pushing.
"Come on, dove… one more push and we'll know what we have." His encouragement barely reached her ears as the dizzying sensation overwhelmed her.
"I can't…" Nellie's eyes drifted shut again and she could feel her body going numb.
"You can… you must…" Sweeney took her chin in hand again and forced her to look at him. "One more push and we'll know. You'll know."
Nellie swallowed and gave another weak push, expelling the baby up to its chest.
"It's a girl!" The doctor exclaimed, holding the baby by the hips. Sweeney gave Nellie a soft kiss, trying to remain focused on her as she seemed to not understand.
"Come on, push again, pet… We know who she is now… Just a few more pushes and you can hold her."
Nellie shook her head slowly, sighing shakily, but gave another push regardless.
"Come on, pet," as he spoke he pressed his lips to her cheeks and brow softly, peppering her with feather-light kisses.
Nellie's breath began to quicken and she found the strength to push harder, moaning deeply in pain as the baby's shoulders came out.
"Stop, stop!" The doctor exclaimed as he held the baby. "The cord is wrapped, you're going to strangle her!" The midwife in the room began to quickly take out a surgical knife, handing it to the doctor who began to cut at the cord.
Nellie's eyes snapped open and she looked at Sweeney in a panic.
"I don't want her to die." Her voice was a whimper and Sweeney held onto her tighter, trying to remain calm for her.
"She won't," he said firmly, kissing Nellie softly as the doctor finished cutting the cord. "Push, it will be okay."
Nellie pushed the thought of her daughter passing away from her mind and fought the dizziness, pushing hard. Sweeney held her close against him, afraid that if he let go, she would pass out and be lost forever.
"I love you," he whispered into her ear softly.
Nellie clasped his hand again tightly and looked at him desperately as she pushed again.
"She will be okay..." Sweeney squeezed her hand tightly.
"Push quickly!" The doctor shouted and Sweeney squeezed her again.
"Do as he says, pet… It's almost over."
Nellie swallowed again, trying to ignore the dizzy feeling taking control once more, and pushed with what strength she had left. The head of the infant emerged and a loud cry began to ring through the room, flooding Sweeney with instant relief. The doctor cut her cord quickly and handed her to the nurse who bathed the blood away in warm water and wrapped her in a cloth blanket before handing her into the arms of her mother.
Nellie gave a weak smile at the presence of her daughter, not able to feel the blood still pouring out of her as the placenta left her body.
"There, pet… you've done it… You're a bloody wonder, you are." Sweeney kissed her lips softly before looking at his newborn daughter, half the size of his first at birth.
Nellie returned the kiss weakly before looking back at the baby.
"I love you…" she whispered to in her ear gently, her eyes fluttering between closed and open.
"Nellie?" Sweeney brushed the hair from her face as her grip began to loosen on the baby. "Eleanor?" He took the baby as she began to slip from Nellie's grip and he swallowed as he watched Nellie dip in and out of consciousness. Getting up carefully, he laid the baby down quickly in her waiting cradle before kneeling down next to Nellie as the doctor examined her and ordered fresh towels from Toby.
"Nellie, don't do this…" he spoke softly, a sense of remorse and guilt hanging over him as he watched her. "You just had her, stay for her… stay for me…" As he begged he stroked her cheek, unaware of the doctor pressing the towels against her cervix in an attempt to stop the flow.
Nellie reached weakly for his hand, barely conscious, and he took it, kissing her fingers lightly. "Don't go pet…" His voice, too, had gone weak.
"I… I'm so… weak…" Her voice was barely audible and he strained to hear her. Leaning over her, he kissed her again softly, not wanting her to lose sensation.
"Think of Helena," he begged, "she needs a mother… you waited so long for her…"
Nellie's breath slowed to a near stop and Sweeney began to feel a panic come over him. The doctor dropped a drip of sleeping drought between her lips and Sweeney watched as she drifted to unconsciousness.
"If she wakes by morning… send for me." The doctor placed a hand on Sweeney's shoulder, causing him to tense. As he left, Toby gave him the payment and Sweeney locked the bedroom door, sitting between wife and child. As he watched her sleep, he felt in his heart, for the first time in years, a twinge of genuine fear, spreading to overcome his entire being. He was home… but at what cost?