Brian stared at Olivia's face as his heart continued to tear for what seemed like years. The sudden, erratic beeping noise coming from whatever it was monitoring her heart didn't even make it to his ears. It terrified Munch, who had to reach for his best friend when the nurses and doctor came rushing in. Brian stumbled backwards as they invaded the room. Munch ripped his eyes from the scene, turning Brian back towards the door. Brian watched as long as he could, even though he wished he could look away. Then the doorway obstructed his view of Olivia's still body.
Munch made it to where Nick and Fin both looked distraught.
"What happened?" Nick's voice caught. They'd both seen the rush of the nurses, the expression the doctor held. Amanda paced somewhere down the hall getting hotel reservations.
"I don't know." Munch was out of breath as he looked at the two of them and then to his shoulder where Brian stood next to him. All he could do was shake his head to confirm he didn't know anything either.
"Amanda's calling for rooms at the hotel across the street. We'll stay close." Fin took over. He did his best to keep his voice steady.
It didn't feel real. None of it was actually happening. They'd all wake up in mere moments to find themselves, Olivia included, sitting around the squad room, waiting for the next horrible case to break. Instead, they were standing in a nightmare, claws of darkness creeping their way up their bodies as they waited for the bad news they'd hoped they'd never hear.
"Go home. Get what you need. Then we'll meet back at the hotel. Doctors say we can't stay here tonight anyway." Nick found the courage he had left, and he used it to remain as in-control of the situation as he could be. There was nothing he could do and it was killing him.
Brian put a hand to his forehead.
"I'll go with you." Munch offered, to which Brian couldn't bring himself to deny. He wanted to be alone, but he didn't. He wanted time to think, but then again he didn't. Every bit of time he had only made the thoughts darker and deeper. He couldn't survive if he kept the time to himself.
Amanda hung up the phone and joined the panic-stricken group.
"We're all meeting back at the hotel after we get our stuff." Fin said.
She nodded meekly, but as Brian and Munch turned to leave, she mustered up what she had in her and touched Brian's arm gently. Brian wanted to thank her for the gesture, but he didn't feel it. He felt nothing.
Cragen fell asleep an hour into the flight, finally giving into the beckoning rest that had been teasing him since early that morning. Eileen sat next to him, taking a minute to just look at him. She saw how much older he seemed to have gotten the days after he'd received the call that Lewis was out. But since he'd seen that Lewis had again won more time with Olivia, he'd aged more than ten years in just a few hours. She felt her heart becoming heavy for him, for them all. She too felt the apprehension and fear that Cragen did. Olivia was one of the members of her family too.
As the former captain slept restlessly next to her, Eileen remembered the smiles she'd gotten from everyone in the squad room every time she entered. Then her mind went back to the night Olivia was having a dinner party in her and Brian's apartment. Eileen had found her after supper, leaning heavily on the bathroom sink, eyes closed, head bowed. The suggestion earlier in the night to "not talk shop" was more of a plea, so it appeared.
Eileen shifted in her seat as she continued to remember. She'd put a hand on Olivia's back, concerned but understanding.
"That's all they know." She recalled saying in a whisper.
Olivia's jump at her touch, her eyes – so distant – had initially brought Eileen into an understanding of how much Olivia had gone through. Olivia didn't even try to talk back. She just nodded.
"But they're trying, Honey." That night sent shivers down Eileen's spine as she sat. The window yielded to a sunny day, ocean below them. She wished she could make it all go away.
Nick drove home alone to retrieve his suitcase. He managed to keep it completely together through the city streets, thinking over and over about what he could have done, what he would be able to unsee, what he wouldn't. But the moment he got into his house and shut the door behind him, everything he'd been holding back was unleashed. It began in a tingling at his toes. Then it worked up into his chest in shocking waves. His fists clenched as he stood, his jaw doing the same.
There hadn't been enough time. He wanted more with Olivia, more time to just sit in silence with her, to listen to her breathe on her own. It all was what he'd taken for granted. The way she rubbed her forehead on late nights in the precinct, the way she clicked her pen nervously doing paperwork – it all flew back at him, hitting him hard. Tears blotted out his vision as the anger and terror mixed. And then the monster came out. Lewis might have taken all of that time away. He may have wiped Olivia clear off the planet.
Nick's fists opened, and he lunged toward the first thing he saw. The book flew across the room, smashing loudly into a wall and then falling to the floor. The couch moved when Nick grabbed the pillows angrily and threw them as well. He whipped them as hard as he could. The thick flower vase he picked up dented the wall it hit, and Nick had done everything he could. His body collapsed on the couch, and he sat with his elbows on his knees, hands on his face, crying so hard it hurt.
Amanda sat silently in Fin's passenger seat as he drove her to her home to get what she would need. He didn't say anything. Neither did she. As they walked up the stairs to her second-floor apartment, she brought her keys out. The only horrible thing that came to her mind was the sight of similar keys, lying in a pan on Olivia's stove. The memories were coming back.
They reached her door, and Amanda pushed a shaky hand to the knob, trying desperately to get herself and her partner in. The harder she tried, the shakier she got. Tears fell faster as she failed again and again. Then his hand was on hers, steadying it. Amanda looked up at Fin, asking him for assurance.
"She's going to be ok. Right?" Her voice was hardly one she recognized as the tears changed it. They took hold of her throat and shook back and forth.
Fin swallowed hard. He wanted to be able to give her the comfort she sought.
"I don't know." He replied painfully.
The door swung open with both of their hands helping one another cease their shaking. Amanda let her fear show. She had no energy to try and hide it.
Munch glanced over at Brian as they drove to his apartment.
All Brian could do was stare out the window. His gritted teeth steadily chewed his thumb. He couldn't cry anymore. Now that emotion was replaced by an intense anticipation. They were all so helpless to try and bring Olivia back. She'd been the one that had taken action to end it. She had gone alone when they'd told her they would do anything they could to keep Lewis from her. Brian thought deeper, the one other thing – besides losing Olivia – he was afraid of. Had Lewis had time to rape her? Had he actually gotten a chance to get all he wanted? Little did he know, Nick was sitting in his own home thinking the very same thing. The only reason they would know is if the doctors had done a full exam, which may not happen for days, maybe weeks.
Munch drifted from his worry of Brian to his worry of Olivia herself. That could not have been her that they saw lying lifelessly in the pale room of Bellevue's ICU. She had so much more to her. There was so much more to that woman than what she appeared to be, and it was just another mistreatment that no one in the hospital who had her life in their hands knew any of it.
Munch parked the car in the garage below Brian and Olivia's building. He followed his friend up in the elevator and trailed behind him all the way to the apartment. When Munch turned the corner and entered the apartment behind Brian, he stopped.
Brian had rounded the corner and froze. He saw Olivia's coffee cup from the previous morning – the coffee cup he'd seen her drink from. He saw her shoes tucked neatly next to the kitchen counter, her favorite inconvenient place to leave them. She'd been there with him only a day before. Brian swallowed very hard, so hard it felt like his chest exploded. He didn't hear Munch enter behind him.
The pencil he stepped on when he took his next step caused him more pain than any other pencil would. He picked it up and held it in his hands tenderly, well aware that Olivia had used it in one of the moments that she prepared to give as the last of her life. Munch stepped forward and put a hand on Brian's shoulder lightly.
"She'll be back." He didn't know for sure, but he couldn't say anything otherwise. Olivia was always ok. It wouldn't change.
Brian wasn't aware of what words his mouth formed as he challenged Munch. "Will she?"
It was something he couldn't stop. His realism was just another thing he had no power to change.
The precinct filled up as the officers gathered to watch the television in the media center. It displayed the lone podium with a large, clear NYPD badge facing the awaiting crowd. The commissioner was waiting to make a second statement to settle what dust had arisen. The eyes of the city watched as he stepped up to where he would deliver his speech.
"This morning – before the sun had hardly broken the horizon – one of our own, Sergeant Olivia Benson, was taken to Bellevue after a horrific attack."
He began with a lump in his throat that he knew he must push away. He himself was a man who took pride in his department, and every officer he had was one in his own family. Olivia was even more so. He had known her personally and professionally for over a decade. He trudged on as the reporters stared, holding microphones and taking picture. There was something going on in the city, and they all yearned for the truth.
"As the investigation is still open, the final thing I may offer is this, a message for everyone in this city: Our sister in blue fights for the same things we all do. I don't wish to see any disrespect towards her."
The press was sure what that meant. So did the officers watching. The commissioner was warning them about the leaked information. He was giving his orders.
"When the case is closed, more details will be shared. As for now, please keep Sergeant Benson and those close to her in your thoughts. We will have updates of her condition on our website. Thank you."
Then the man, holding himself with a diminished amount of pride and certainty, exited the room, vacating the screen. It was left at that.
Those in the 16th precinct looked around in a range of different conditions. Most didn't have any emotion at all on their faces. It was part of their job to keep it inside. But they all wished for the same thing: that their commanding officer return to their building. They wished for everything to be ok.