Chapter 17: Reconciliation: Part II
Over the course of the night, Sweeney stayed vigilantly awake, caring for their newborn daughter as best he could. He knew she was hungry and what good he could do with the goat's milk from the kitchen would only hold her for so long. Her cries were soft and subtle, something that scared him in comparison to the loud, vibrant cries he remembered from his first daughter. Toby had been attempting to come in throughout the night to find the door locked from within. Besides the fact that Nellie needed to be left alone, he did not want the boy anywhere near Helena until she had the chance to be truly fed and cared for.
As he gazed at his newborn daughter he found that, to his own surprise and dismay, she looked very similar to his lost one. Her cheeks were full like hers, she had little curls causing the silken hair on her head to stand up and her skin was as pale as porcelain. Her eyes, however, were the softened brown of her mother, and he knew that they would only get darker. Johanna's eyes had been so bright and clear… a gift from her mother.
Nellie's condition had not changed throughout the night, though she had stopped bleeding. The sleeping drought had kept her out soundly and though Sweeney was aware she would not wake until near morning, he spent most of the night keeping a watchful eye over her. When he did not have the baby in his arms, he sat beside her or lay with her, kissing her cheeks or hair or lips and muttering encouragements into her ears.
Eventually, he did find himself asleep from exhaustion in the chair between the bed and cradle as the morning sun rose. It didn't last long, however, as the baby began to cry again, no doubt in hunger, and he found himself trying to soothe her, walking with her and holding her carefully in his arms. As he walked her by the windows, Nellie began to wake, her breathing slow and rhythmic as her eyes opened and a soft moan escaped her lips as the after pain of the birth returned with a burning sensation in her hips and abdomen.
Hearing the moan, Sweeney quickly turned to find her eyes gazing at the ceiling in a dazed stare and he quickly laid the baby back in her cradle before rushing to her side.
"Nellie…" His voice was soft and her gaze drifted to meet his, confusion and pain evident on her features.
"L-Love?" Her words were weak and broken, unsettling to the barber.
"You made it…" He kept his tone soft and warm, placing a hand on her cheek and stroking it gently.
Nellie's eyes closed again as he pet her and she rose a shaking hand to cover the one on her cheek.
"How are you feeling, pet?" Sweeney leaned forward to kiss her hand, paying close attention to her features for signs of distress.
"Weak…" Nellie swallowed and managed to open her eyes again to look at him, feeling above all exhausted and pained. "Is she… is she okay?"
"She's fine…" He spoke gently, kissing her lips.
Nellie returned the kiss weakly, feeling a flood of relief fill her chest. She had not expected to make it along with her daughter, certain that one of them would die from the ordeal.
"I want to see her…"
With a sigh, Sweeney stood at her request and took the baby from the cradle, bringing her to the bedside. "You're too weak to carry her."
It was a blanketed statement but seeing the bundle containing her child set Nellie's heart beating faster. She gave him a soft frown, feeling the desperate need to hold her. She could feel the strong desire to feed her and she needed to see her face to believe that she had made it.
Sweeney let out another soft sigh, seeing the pained expression on her face and hesitated before speaking again.
"Let me sit behind you."
Nellie gave a soft nod and Sweeney held the baby against his chest as he helped Nellie lean forward enough for him to move behind her as he had the night before. Moving the baby into Nellie's arms, he kept his own around both of them softly.
"She has your eyes…" He spoke softly as Nellie took in the baby's features in full detail for the first time. Her heart flooded as she saw the most perfect face she had ever seen. Her cheeks were rosy from having just cried and her skin was so light and delicate that she could see the soft blue veins running beneath it. Nellie could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes and a weak smile spread quickly across her face as a feeling of strong pride entered her.
"She's so beautiful…" Her voice still cracked over the words, but a feeling of contentment settled in the air between baker and barber.
"She looks like Johanna." Sweeney tightened his grip around them softly as he spoke of
his first daughter.
Nellie frowned as he mentioned her and looked back at him.
"But she's not… she's not her." A small twinge of fear entered Nellie as she thought of the connection between the two. It had not dawned on her until now that Johanna was still living and breathing and reachable in the same world as the child she had birthed and fought for.
"I know that, pet…" Sweeney kissed her hair softly, sensing a shift in the room. "We're lucky she's alive, she came so early."
Nellie gave a saddened smile, not entirely convinced that he was not thinking of Johanna, and looked back her newborn daughter, stroking her cheek gently.
"We're lucky you're alive…" His words were a whisper and Nellie could feel his grip on them tighten.
"I wouldn't leave you…" Nellie whispered her words back to him before kissing him softly.
"You almost did." He kissed her again after he spoke, feeling the fear begin to dissipate as she seemed to hold more strength.
Nellie returned the kiss softly, knowing she would have to forgive and forget everything that happened before the birth the previous night.
"I love you," she told him softly, looking into his eyes. She still, however, was not sure if the same was true of him.
"I love you as well, pet…" His grip around them loosened softly as he began to calm from the night before. He took in the scent of her curls, relieved that it would not be the last time he would be able to.
Nellie gave a soft sigh as he relaxed and returned focus once more to baby Helena, giving her a soft kiss on the cheek.
"Awe, you're beautiful…" She spoke to her gently, a lilt to her tone. "Gonna break some hearts, you will."
"You should feed her," he suggested quietly, pulling his shirt that she still wore gently down to reveal her breasts. Nellie shivered as he exposed her and couldn't help but swallow at the intimacy. "She can't live on goat's milk."
Nellie gave a soft nod and ignored the odd feeling that had come, holding the baby to her breast and shivering a bit as she began to suckle. It was a strange sensation, a warm and intimate one. She watched as the baby ate, trying to adjust to the situation. As she fed, Sweeney kissed the side of Nellie's head, resting a hand on her waist.
"You know, we can't be together for a few weeks, pet…"
Nellie raised an eyebrow, at once amazed that he was even thinking about love making so soon and surprised that he was counting out all other encounters.
"We won't have sex for a few weeks, love. Doesn't mean we can't be together."
Sweeney gave a soft smirk, feeling at ease as she seemed to be returning to normal. "Ah, but it's no fun otherwise." There was teasing tone to his voice and though she knew he meant it sexually it still hurt a little to hear him say something that debased her so low.
Nellie gave him a soft frown and turned to him, tilting her head slightly. He smirked and kissed her lips once more.
"I was only teasing, I'm not going anywhere. I was only reminding you that we can't have physical relationship, even though I desperately miss that side of you." He kissed her shoulder softly when he finished.
Nellie didn't return the kiss, not bothering to answer him, and returned her gaze to Helena as she continued to suckle.
Sighing, Sweeney rested his forehead against her shoulder. "I was only teasing."
Nellie rolled her eyes and kept her focus on the infant in her arms.
"Oh, come now, don't be bitter. I stayed in here every moment, your life is more important than fucking." He kissed the shell of her ear, knowing he could bend her back to him if he were sweet enough.
Nellie sighed and smiled a little bit though she was still unsure on the inside whether he was being honest or manipulative. "Mhmmm."
"The boy will want to see you at some point…" He spoke again quietly, changing the subject from himself. "You are never to feed our daughter in front of him, he is not to touch her, nor is she to be considered his sister." He hardened his voice as he spoke though he kept his tone low. The subject would have to be breached at some point and he knew the sooner it would be, the better.
Nellie frowned as he spoke, shocked that he would even command such things from her so quickly and felt her heart beat quickly as she anticipated the coming fight.
"Toby is my son and Helena is my daughter. They're related. I'm sorry, but he's going to call her his sister." Her tone managed to remain cold and even though her nerves were shaking throughout her body as she held Helena closer against her.
"He is not your son! He's a street rat that you took in. He will not touch her or he will suffer the consequences!" His tone was no longer sweet but harsh and stern. Nellie could feel herself internally flinch but she knew this was a battle she would need to win for her sanity alone. It would be impossible to live with both children under one roof with no contact and she knew that he likely wanted that as a way of driving Toby out.
Nellie took in all of her courage and looked back at him in disbelief, frowning. "He is my son."
"He will not be considered as important as what you hold in your arms." His tone was cruel and final and Nellie felt a twinge of fear as he spoke. His grip tightened on her waist and pain flooded her body. "This child is mine as much as yours and you belong to me. My word is law or he will suffer."
Nellie let out a shaking sigh and looked away from him, panicked. "He is as important." She could feel herself begin to shake and she tried to prepare herself to hold her ground.
"No, he is not." Sweeney could feel his temper rising and he tried to keep it in check, not wanting to become so angry that he hurt her so soon after birth. "You say that again and I will throw the boy to the workhouses now."
Nellie frowned and looked at him with widened eyes. "You wouldn't dare…"
"I think you know that I would." Sweeney held his tone firmly, not willing to give ground.
Nellie swallowed and lowered her gaze.
"Do you understand these rules? What will happen if you break them?"
She gave a soft nod, feeling defeated, and bit the inside of her cheek.
"Then are we going to follow the rules?" His temper began to cool and Nellie could sense it as he rested a gentle hand over one of her own.
Her breath hitched and she looked away from the hand he covered. "I'm tired, Sweeney."
"Answer my question and you can sleep. I will care for our daughter." He spoke softly again, kissing her cheek, and Nellie felt all contentment draining from her.
Nellie swallowed and though she knew she shouldn't, she said it anyway. "But I love Toby…"
"I never said that you could not love the boy, but you will not call him your son around our child. I will not have her believing that she is at his level."
Nellie gave another shaking sigh, feeling desperate and hurt as she looked back at the man she had devoted so much to and loved so willingly. "Stop! He is at her level, he is as important, and he is my son, no matter what you say."
"No, he is not!" Sweeney's temper flared and he took a hold of her jaw in his hand forcefully, making her continue to look at him. "Say it again, break one rule, and I'll do worse than send the boy to the workhouses and you bloody well know that I will."
Nellie gasped as he grasped her chin and she felt herself shake with fear, holding on to their daughter tightly as she continued to eat.
"Do you understand me?" His tone was cold and loveless and Nellie could see the rage in his eyes, knowing that it would be painful and unwise to continue her plight.
Tears pricked at her eyes but she gave a submitting nod. "Y-yes…"
Sweeney let out a calm sigh and released her from his grip, kissing her softly. "I apologize for my gruffness. You need rest." He removed himself from behind her gently and took the baby from her arms as she finished suckling, sitting with her in the chair by the bed.
Nellie, still shaken by his behavior and the removal of her daughter, let out a shaky sigh as she lay down slowly and turned herself away from him, not wanting to even look at him.
Seeing her back turned towards him, Sweeney let out a sigh and placed the baby in her cradle once more, walking to bed and laying in front of her on it. He drew her into his arms, despite the fact that he knew she would rather be alone, and looked into her eyes.
"I really was worried…" His tone was sweet again, soft.
"Don't talk to me." She didn't have the physical strength to push him away but she could at least hope for silence.
"I love you," he told her sweetly, trying to bring her back around to forgiveness. His arms held her to him softly and he kept his eyes locked on hers. "I don't know what I would have done."
Nellie bit her lip, not wanting to cry again. "I said don't talk to me. I'm done."
"Please, Nellie…" She felt his lips leave a soft kiss on the top of her head and her heart ached. "I love you…"
"Your love hurts." She looked away from him, not wanting to be manipulated into forgiving him again, not until she had to.
"I know…" he admitted softly, though he did not feel guilty over enforcing general rule of the house. "But I won't let the past repeat itself… What I do, I do for you…" As he spoke, he moved away from her softly, allowing her the wanted space.
Nellie shook her head softly as she moved slowly onto her other side, facing towards the cradle where she could see Helena through the slats.
"Please, Eleanor…" Sweeney sat up softly, watching her. "You are the world to me, now… Don't be so distant."
Nellie frowned as he called her his world, knowing that she would never be his real focus. It was one more manipulation and it stung her that he would press the barbs in so hard. "Sweeney, I'm tired."
"Then sleep with me as we used to…" Truth be told, he had missed the presence of the little baker beside him. She was an anchor at night when he couldn't sleep and he had been restless without her. "I've missed holding you against me at night…" His hand reached for her softly as he spoke, resting it on her upturned shoulder.
Nellie frowned sadly as she heard him. Nothing was ever really about her, it was about what she could do for him. This wasn't an attempt to comfort her, it was an attempt to feel better about himself. She sat up to the best of her ability to look at him, feeling exhausted and used.
"Then fucking let me love my two children equally. It's my feelings, Sweeney, not yours. You can't control everything; I'm not your toy." As much as she wanted to sound angry, she knew that she wasn't and the energy wasn't there to yell at him. All she wanted to do was sleep.
Sweeney scowled as she scolded him and felt his temper start to rise again as he felt frustrated. He knew that he wasn't in the right, but he also knew that he did love her, he did want her to feel comforted by having him there, and he did want her to rest. He was tired of arguing with her and there were only two ways to end an argument between the two of them: forcefully on his part as he had the night before (which simply wasn't an option with how injured childbirth had left her), or he could kiss her and hope that she would let him. Wanting to try to reason with her one more time, he swallowed the rising frustration and fixed her with a cold stare.
"I told you that I had no qualms with you loving the boy, but you will not call him your son in my presence and if I ever hear the word "brother" from our child's lips in regards to him, he will suffer the consequences."
Nellie felt her own temper flare as he refused to let her decide for herself how to deal with her own emotions. As much as she loved him, as much as she knew that she would give in to him in the next hours, days, week, she also knew that, for once, she would like to win. It wasn't like this was going to affect him in any measurable way, either. It was a personal choice for her and it was something special for Toby who had nothing else in his life but her, and now, Helena. He was going to have this and for once, she was not going to concede ground for peace.
"I will call him my son," she spoke defiantly and stern, meeting his gaze, "in front of you or not if I want to. And Helena will decide if she wants to call him her brother or not. Not you." She bit her inner cheek when she finished, bracing for his next reaction. She liked to believe that he wouldn't hurt her too badly given the circumstances.
Sweeney felt his hands clenching into fists, not in preparation of hurting her, but in response to the utter frustration that she caused him. It wasn't an outrageous request on his part to have his own children separated from whatever orphans she found on the streets. The boy would be an adult soon and leave regardless, so what harm was there in having his daughter in her own category? He didn't expect her to call Johanna her daughter, why should she expect him to let Toby be brother to Helena?
Still, he knew that he had to end the argument now to save Nellie the rising stress of it all. She was still recovering and he would never forgive himself if he caused her condition to return to what it was before. Sighing in frustration, he took the baker by the arms and forced her to him, kissing her deeply, though there was not much love there. Nellie gasped as she felt the force of his lips on her own and the twinge of pain from the bruise on her arm being pressed again by him. She pressed away from him quickly, looking at him disbelief.
"Stop!" For the first time since he came back she found herself really in a state of complete shock. What did he think that kiss would do? What damage was that supposed to repair in his thoughts?
Ignoring her, he pulled her back to his chest, olding onto her tightly and resting her head against her shoulder, trying to keep his emotions in check.
Nellie swallowed as he ignored her and looked down, knowing she couldn't keep pushing him off. It was like all she was to him was a rag doll; something to push and pull as needed.
"You're not a toy." Sweeney's words were mumbles against her neck. Her skin there felt smooth and could smell the faint perfume from her last wash. A slight relaxation went over him at the familiarity though he still felt the gnawing frustration.
Nellie sighed, closing her eyes in concession. "Then stop."
"I won't lose you… to anyone." He refused to lift his head from her shoulder, knowing that if he did, he would start to feel guilty again if he were to see her eyes and the pain he's caused.
Nellie let out another soft sigh. Her loss to him would be an inconvenience at best. He would lose a housekeeper, a cook, and a lover, but not a wife. He wouldn't be losing Lucy again, just comfort. She reached a hand to his hair softly, entangling her fingers through it.
"Sweeney…" She began softly, attempting to approach the subject delicately. "I love you, but… I… I think I need to love myself a little bit more and it all starts with respect. And… letting you control my life… isn't respecting myself." Nellie kept her voice soft, trying to avoid feeling of conflict with all intended seriousness. There had to be a line at some point. She had done everything he asked… he just needed to appreciate her for what she was. That's all she wanted.
Sweeney sighed at her touch and placed a gentle kiss on her shoulder. "I… understand. Just… not in front of me. Call the boy what you will… but not in front of me."
Nellie let out a heavy sigh. She knew that that was his way of getting what he wanted while making it seem as if she had gained something when she knew that she gained nothing.
"Sweeney…"
He refused to look up, nuzzling her shoulder lightly and encircling her waist with his arms.
"I want you to promise me something.'
"What?" His tone was cool, though not cruel. A slightly hopeful distinction for Nellie.
"You won't ever hurt him." It was more of a blanketed statement, but she wanted Toby to be protected. He could twist her arm, push her, hold her down, threaten her, but she wanted Toby to be free of that. She knew he kicked Toby when he could and she knew that if he had the power, he would kill him as quickly as possible.
Sighing, Sweeney lifted his head from her shoulder to look into her eyes, attempting to brace himself as he did so. "I won't hurt the boy." His tone was flat and Nellie met his gaze, wanting to be certain he would mean it.
"Never." She pressed.
Sweeney let out another sigh and put a hand on her cheek, rubbing it softly with his thumb over the dried tear tracks. "Never."
Nellie raised an eyebrow, not believing him in the slightest as he caressed her cheek.
"What? I said never!" His annoyance was conveyed through his tone, his hands dropped from her waist.
Nellie looked at him as yelled and frowned for a moment, realizing he wouldn't understand no matter how she phrased it. Sighing heavily, she gave in. "Alright." Turning from him, she lay back down again slowly.
"Am I forgiven enough for you to sleep with me?" He moved a hand gently to her stomach out of habit, watching her softly.
"Be proud of yourself." She muttered softly, not looking at him. "You won again." She flashed a quick smile, not raising her gaze to meet his.
"What are you talking about?" Sweeney sat up straighter, already feeling guilty.
Nellie rolled her eyes. "Are you going to going to sleep?"
"Talk to me…" He spoke softly, feeling the guilt creep over him. "I apologized… I conceded… I lost my temper." He looked down on her softly.
Nellie sighed, just wanting silence. "You hurt me."
"I know… I didn't mean to. I'm trying to fix that." He lay next to her gently and began to bury his face against the side of her shoulder, wanting to feel her skin on his own again.
Nellie turned onto her side with an exhausted sigh and put a hand on his cheek gently. He turned his face into her touch, kissing her palm. She smiled at him sadly and he felt the guilt intensify inside of him.
"I love you…" She whispered to him, stroking his cheek.
"I love you as well." His words were muttered and she felt a twinge in her heart. She felt his hand rest softly on her waist, though, for once, he did not force her towards him .
Nellie allowed herself to smile a little more. At least he was attempting to be considerate. She snuggled herself against him softly. "Why…"
Sweeney took a moment to breathe in her scent once more, savoring what he had missed for two months. He pressed his lips to her wrist again softly, feeling the slight beat of her pulse as he did. "You know why…"
"No… No, I don't…" Nellie looked up at him with softened eyes. She didn't doubt that he at least cared for her, but she didn't truly believed that he loved her. "I want to know…"
Sweeney groaned softly. "Why must you always make me go further?" He meant it as a tease but it had come out more sternly.
Nellie gave him a soft pout. "Please…"
Sighing dramatically, he pulled her against his chest, kissing her neck, and Nellie worried that he might blow off her question entirely. "I love the softness of your eyes…" He began slowly, looking away from her gaze as he let his guard down enough to really think about his answer. He did love her… but he didn't like to talk about it. "I love the smoothness of your skin… I love your devotion to me. The way your eyes look when I've pleasured you to the end." As he spoke he trailed kisses from her neck to her shoulder, wanting to avoid eye contact as much as possible. "I also love your caring heart… though I wish it cared only for me and our child. I love that you refuse to entirely fear me… that you challenge me. That you are stubborn… as infuriating as that can be. I love the stray curl of your hair that falls in your face when you wear it down and the way that your hips swing a little more than usual when you pass me by."
Nellie bit her lip as he spoke, looking at him with an intensity as she tried to see if he was manipulating her or speaking from a place of actual truth. When he finished, she hesitated before pressing her lips to his softly. For once, she could find nothing that betrayed a lie as he spoke and her heart fluttered. "I love you so much…" She whispered against his lips, caressing his cheek gently.
"Return the favor…" He spoke softly. "Why?"
Nellie gave him a soft smile, not needing any time for her answer. "I love you... completely… I love that I can feel safe with you…" As awful as he could be to her, she did feel safe with him. He may hurt her, but no one else would. "And that you'll be here to protect me... " Her smile broadened as she looked at him, for once feeling like, maybe, she was being heard. "And I love that white stripe in your hair. It makes you look even sexier, if that's even possible…" Her smile turned into a light smirk as she thought of the body beneath his clothing. "I love your face and your body…" Her hand trailed from his cheek and began to caress his side softly. "And your eyes... how they can say so much… I love that you can look so alive when you're with me… your laugh, even if it's kind of rare… and how sweet you can be…" She paused to kiss him again softly. "There's no words to tell you how much that I need you." Her eyes drifted back to his, a look of intensity behind them.
Sweeney gave her a soft smirk and kissed her deeply, his hands traveling from her waist and into her hair. He pulled away softly when the kiss ended, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "You wanted rest…"
"Not anymore…" She kissed him again, wanting to hear again from him any truth that she could find.
"We can't." He raised an eyebrow at her, assuming that she had meant something sexual. "You know that very well."
Nellie gave him a sad pout. She hadn't meant it as he perceived it, but, as expected, if that's what he wanted, she would provide it just to hear him speak to her like that again. "But I want you so much…"
"You'll hurt yourself. You need time to heal and I won't have you bleeding out after nearly dying of blood loss a few hours ago, pet." He spoke firmly, cupping her cheek in his hand softly.
Nellie bit her lip and gave a soft nod, hoping that he would continue to speak even if she was not able to provide what he wanted. She could feel a twinge of self-hatred over how much she was willing to give him for so little in return.
"I'm sorry, but it'll be at least three weeks until you are healed enough for me to touch you the way you want me to." He pressed a gentle kiss to her nose as he spoke.
"Mhmm…" Nellie sighed and placed her head on his chest.
Sweeney placed a hand on her back and kissed her head softly. "We'll have gone three months without touching each other… I don't like it."
"Ah, well…" Nellie caressed his chest softly. "All good things come to those who can wait." She whispered her words against his chest, saddened that he had abandoned the topic beforehand altogether.
Sweeney let out a soft growl at the touch of her hand, beginning to feel aroused. "You're making it very hard to wait…"
Nellie smirked and glanced up into his eyes. "We can do something else." If he wasn't going to continue the conversation on his own, she would at least give him something to bring him back around. Besides… he was always calmer and more open after he could relax under her touch or cover her in his cum; a way to mark her as his, she was certain.
Sweeney raised an eyebrow at her. "Like what?"
Nellie's smirk widened and she began to kiss his neck, trailing down over his chest. Sweeney let out another soft growl as her lips pressed against his skin, an erection growing under his pants. He put a hand in her hair softly, beginning to stroke her hair affectionately. "Most mothers would cringe at you right now."
"Mmmmm… I know…" Nellie continued smirking as she looked up at him, unlacing his trousers slowly, already able to feel the bulge against her fingers. Sweeney leaned forward and kissed the top of her head.
"Don't let me get carried away…" He spoke softly, knowing that if he wasn't careful, there was a good chance that he would disassociate and hurt her. "I don't want to hurt you."
Nellie gave him a soft smile, knowing that there was little she could do if he did lose control, and slid his pants low enough for his erection to come out. Sweeney frowned as she seemed to brush off his statement and he stopped her hands quickly. "I mean it… don't lose control of me…" His voice was soft but Nellie could detect genuine concern. She paused entirely, raising an eyebrow up at him.
"I don't want to hurt you…" He avoided her gaze, not wanting to get drawn back into the emotions of the night before. A slight embarrassment filled him as she sat inches from his exposed erection while he felt shame and guilt come over him.
Nellie frowned and made him look at her, turning his chin with her hand softly. "It's okay…"
"Then promise me that you'll keep me under control…" He looked at her softly, feeling guilty. Without warning, he could feel all the emotion from the past night come flooding back to him and for the first time in fifteen years, he felt himself on the verge of tears. He looked away from her quickly, not wanting her to see his eyes begin to glisten.
Nellie's frown deepened as she caught a glimpse of his expression. "Love…" She leaned over him, kissing him gently. "I promise…" She pressed her forehead to his gently, shocked at the range of emotion he had shown in just one glance. He had returned her kiss lightly, but she could sense that he was still overcome with the emotions that had poured through him in that one moment. His arms wrapped around her and she felt herself being pulled against him tightly, ignoring the pain in her abdomen.
"You will not tell anyone how you saw me today…" His words were quiet, like an admonished child's. Nellie could feel his tears begin to come out as they bled onto her shoulder and a slight panic filled her. She had never expected him to cry and a rush swirled inside of her mixed with fear and excitement that this might be complete proof that he loved her. She felt his face burrow into her shoulder. "No one."
"I won't…" She hugged him to her tightly, stroking his hair gently and closing her eyes as she tried to process the situation.
Sweeney held her in his grip tightly, unaware of the strength he was using. She could feel him press a cold kiss to her shoulder as his tears continued. "I'm sorry…" He whispered into her shoulder, his voice weak and soft.
"Shh… don't…" Nellie whispered, caressing his hair gently as she tried to soothe him. It was so terrifyingly unfamiliar to hear a weakness in his voice.
"You shouldn't see me the way that I am…" A deep seated shame rested in the heart of his chest and he felt as though sixteen years of hardening strength was being worn away with every tear.
"I said that I love you completely, Sweeney…" Nellie whispered in his ear gently. She felt another soft kiss on her shoulder in response.
"I almost lost you…"
Nellie sighed shakily, moved that her potential loss could drive him to be so weak. "I love you so much…"
Sweeney raised his head slightly, almost too timid to look at her. "You're a wonder. I can't say that enough." He kissed her neck softly, trying to stop the tears rolling down his cheeks.
Nellie closed her eyes as he kissed her neck before looking back into his eyes. "Then never let me go…" Her words were a calm whisper and she kissed him softly before resting her forehead against his gently. She felt his grip around her waist tighten before he kissed her again deeply.
"You shall never leave my sight…" His words were vulnerable and raw and Nellie felt her heart skip a beat.
Nellie returned his kiss deeply and met his gaze. "Never… Never…"
Sweeney rested his forehead back against her own gently, his grip around her waist never slackening. "Don't ever do that to me again…" He whispered softly.
Nellie gave a small smile, though she still felt the fear and excitement bubble inside of her. "I won't…"
"I need you…" He spoke softly, closing his eyes as his forehead rested against her own.
Nellie bit her lip, feeling her own tears coming. "So do I…"
Hearing the tears come in her voice, Sweeney opened his eyes and softly stroked her cheek. "Don't cry… we can't both cry…"
Nellie felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks. "There are things we can't control, love…"
Sweeney kissed her again as he watched the tears come down her cheeks and held onto her tighter.
Nellie returned the kiss deeply, wrapping her arms around his neck. Sweeney's own tears began to dry up slowly as he watched Nellie cry, his fingers tangling into her hair. Nellie gave a soft moan into the kiss and moved her own fingers into his hair as well. Pulling away gently, Sweeney rubbed his thumb along her cheek. "No one…" He reminded her softly, kissing her cheek.
Nellie gave a soft nod and hugged him tightly against her, placing her head on his shoulder. His hand began to rub her back soothingly, the other on the back of her head, cradling her against him. "Am I forgiven?" She heard him ask quietly. Letting out a shaky sigh, Nellie held back her years and nodded against him quickly. "You're not angry anymore?" She could hear the worry in his tone and his lips as they pressed against the side of her head.
"I love you too much to stay mad at you…" Nellie wiped her tears away softly and pulled away from him to look at him in the aftermath.
He kissed her lips again once she was face to face with him and took her hand in his. "You scared me… more than he ever did…"
Nellie frowned and returned his kiss softly. "I… I've realized now… how much you love me…" Taking his hand, she intertwined her fingers in his, squeezing softly.
Smirking faintly, he lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed her fingers lightly. "I can't believe you ever thought that I didn't…"
Nellie returned the smirk sadly. "Mmmm…."
"Will you doubt me when I make promises, now?" He looked into her eyes as he spoke and Nellie felt a soft pity for him. He hated being weak and she could see how vulnerable just five minutes of crying had left him.
"Not as long as you don't break them…"
He gave her a soft nod and pulled her back to him softly. Nellie gave a soft sigh and snuggled against him, closing her eyes.
"You don't think less of me?" He spoke quietly as held her, nuzzling his face against the side of her own.
Nellie gave a soft smile as he did and pulled off slightly to look in his eyes. "Of course not…" She kept her voice a whisper, wanting to keep the air calm.
He kissed her in response and slid his hands down to her waist. Breaking the kiss reluctantly, he met her gaze. "Don't think that this is going to be a regular thing…" Nellie could tell that he meant it jokingly, but his pain was still very apparent as he kissed her forehead again softly. "I won't become a blithering idiot every time."
Nellie gave him a soft laugh and shook her head. "'Course you won't."
"What do you suppose we're going to do?" He looked at her softly, his thumbs tracing small circles on her hips.
Nellie tilted her head, raising an eyebrow.
"About the baby…" His tone was quiet and serious. "I haven't been a father to an infant in sixteen years."
"You'll be fine…" Nellie stroked his cheek gently. "We'll be fine…"
Sweeney sighed at her touch. "Three weeks is a long time…" He kissed her wrist softly and Nellie knew that he was only changing the subject because he was uncomfortable with his shortcomings.
Sighing, she gave another pout. "I know…"
"Perhaps I can return you to your former condition." His voice had taken on a husky tone and kissed along the inside of her forearm from wrist to elbow.
Nellie smirked, biting her lip.
"Would you like that?" His kisses traveled up her arm and onto her shoulder.
Nellie sighed and closed her eyes, her head dipping back slightly in anticipation of him reaching her neck.
The trail continued up to her jawline where he nipped her softly. "Do you want the present I had for you before all of this happened?" He whispered against her jaw.
Nellie looked at him and smiled, giving a soft nod. "Yes…"
Sweeney kissed her cheek softly before letting her go and getting up. Going to the parlor, he dug through his bag and came back to the bedroom with his hands behind his back. He slid back into bed next to her.
"Are you sure you want it?" He had a playful, teasing tone and Nellie felt herself really relax.
Nellie smirked and nodded quickly. "Yes!"
"Absolutely sure?" He teased her further, looking at her and smirking playfully.
"Stop teasing!" Nellie pushed him lightly. "Yes, I'm sure."
Opening the palm of his hand above her head, letting a small gold locket uncoil as he held it by the end of the chain. Holding the pendent still, he showed Nellie the engraved "N" on one side and "T" on the other. Nellie pouted as she saw it, her heart racing.
"Awe, love…" Nellie lifted her gaze back up to his.
"Turn around. I'll hook it for you."
Nellie smiled and turned for him. "You shouldn't have…"
Sweeney moved her hair to the side and placed the necklace around her neck softly, kissing the back of her neck as he finished. "I wanted to…"
Nellie smiled and let out a contented sigh, leaning her back against his chest, looking up at him. "Love you."
"You know, you never said thank you." He wrapped his arms around her waist, squeezing her softly.
Nellie bit her lip, smirking. "Thank you."
Sweeney kissed the top of her head, slowly laying back on the bed and pulling her with him. He turned softly to his side, holding her close against his chest. "I'm sorry that I called you a whore before I left.." He spoke softly, trailing his hand down her side.
Nellie looked down a bit, remembering the day that he left. "It's okay, love…"
"No, it's not…" He spoke quietly and it unnerved her more than it calmed her. "You aren't what you were… I just don't like the thought that any man in the street could have touched you."
Nellie sighed, still keeping her gaze low, and bit her lip. "I didn't want them to touch me either but I had no choice."
"I know, pet." He drew her closer against him as spoke. "You won't have to do that again..."
Nellie nodded, sighing shakily, not wanting to remember her past again. "I don't want you to think that I enjoyed it… because I didn't…"
Sweeney held her tighter, not wanting to picture the men touching her, and began to rub her back soothingly as he felt her shake. "I know you didn't… but I can't have been the only man to pleasure you…"
"Ah, well… you're still better than everyone else…" Nellie snuggled closer, wanting the conversation to end.
"You're only saying that because you love me." He kept his words soft and light, kissing the side of her head when he finished.
"I do love you… obviously… but no other man has pleasured me as much as you have."
"How?" He nibbled her ear softly. "How have I pleasured you beyond all others?"
Nellie smirked, sighing in relief as he changed to a lighter subject. "You're really naughty…"
"I want to know…" He whispered into her ear and she shivered softly as he bit at her earlobe gently.
Nellie moaned softly for him and bit her lip. "You like to drive me wild when we make love… and I like that…" She raised an eyebrow, biting her lip seductively.
"Is that all I do?" As he spoke he kissed his way to her neck once more, sucking on the soft skin there and nipping gently.
"Oh, you can also be really sweet…" Nellie gave him a cute pout. "I like that too…"
Sweeney smirked and kissed her softly. "Would you like to know what I enjoy?"
Nellie kissed back and nodded. "Yes... "
"I like watching as that pretty little mouth surrounds me… those delicate little hands touching me. I like the tightness of your little frame, the innocence of your face broken by the pleasure… the way that you writhe beneath me at my touch…" Nellie's smirk widened as he spoke and she kept her eyes locked onto his. "You're a very naughty thing for such an innocent face." He spoke with a smirk and kissed her again, taking one of her hands and guiding it to his returning erection. "You promised…" He reminded her softly against her lips.
Nellie smirked and began to undo his trousers once more as he growled against her lips. He kissed her again and she felt his tongue slip between their lips. She returned the kiss just as vigorously before breaking it to kiss her way back down over his chest. He smirked as he watched her, eager to feel her lips on his throbbing member. He placed a hand on her shoulder, caressing her skin.
"Am I biggest that you've ever had?" He asked teasingly.
Nellie's trail of kisses stopped as she reached his cock and she looked up at him with a wide smirk, genuinely happy to see him back at stability. "Oh, yes… don't worry, love."
"You're just flattering me."
Nellie laughed looking up at him. "You don't know that."
"I can see it on that pretty little face of yours." He ran his thumb over her lips as he spoke, parting them gently.
"I mean it love." Nellie kissed his thumb gently.
"I love you." He took his hand from her face gently, resting it back on her shoulder.
Nellie tilted her head, smiling softly. "Me too…"
He pushed her softly with his hand, bringing her closer to his erection. "Prove it."
Nellie smirked and kissed his member softly, feeling his pulse on her lips.
A soft growl escaped his lips and he closed his eyes in anticipated pleasure. "I've missed that touch."
"Mhmmm… I know love…" Nellie took him into her hands, tracing the veins slowly.
Sweeney let out a low moan and his hand lifted from her shoulder to her hair, stroking it gently. "Nellie…"
Nellie began to stroke him slowly and firmly, kissing and licking the tip of his cock softly.
"You're teasing," he accused her with a smirk, the pleasure showing in his gaze as he opened his eyes to watch her.
"Mhmmm… and you love it…" Nellie began to take him into her mouth slowly and another groan escaped from his lips as he gripped her hair in his hand.
As she sucked on him, she used her hand to pump his shaft beneath her lips, smirking as he groaned again.
"Fuck, Nell…"
Nellie smirked and licked from the base of his cock to his tips, teasing him gently and giving him soft little moans.
Sweeney smirked at the touch of her tongue on his shaft as it moved teasingly and bucked his hips against her softly.
Nellie used her hand to continue pumping his shaft, giving him teasing licks all over his member, humming a soft moan.
Sweeney could feel himself getting close, the growls emanating from the back of his throat. His grip on her hair tightened and he sat up as the pleasure began to take over his brain. Without thinking, he pushed her onto her back onto the bed and moved over her, kissing her quickly.
Nellie gasped but returned his kiss, ignoring the pain from being tossed onto her back. Sweeney began to deepen the kiss hungrily and Nellie felt a twinge of fear as she realized how little control he had over himself. His hands were traveling up the hem of the shirt that she still wore and she felt herself begin to panic.
"S-Sweeney… stop…" She pushed against his hands gently, trying to get his attention. Sweeney couldn't process her voice, lost in the moment, and grasped at her breasts, causing Nellie to cringe as the pain began to intensify. Her eyes widened and she pushed at him frantically. "Sweeney!"
Sweeney looked at her, breathing quickly, his eyes dazed and disassociated. After a moment his eyes cleared and Nellie, breathing quickly, watched as he began to realize what he had done and moved away from her quickly. Nellie let out a shaky sigh, keeping her eyes locked to his as her heart raced. Sweeney covered his face in his hands, ashamed and full of guilt. A soft groan escaped his lips as he balled his hand into a fist and slammed it against his knee in anger at himself, afraid to even look at her. Nellie swallowed, watching him, unsure if she should touch him at all.
She watched as he stood and fixed his pants before going over to the cradle as the baby began to cry, giving her a cloth to suck on and watching her as she fell back asleep. She looked away from the scene, frowning and swallowing. Sweeney reluctantly walked back to the bed, sitting on it hesitantly. He faced away from her, his hands clenching the sheets on either side of him.
"It's okay, love…" She spoke hesitantly and softly, though still not looking up at him. He didn't answer regardless, his own gaze locked to the floor. His breath was slow and even. Nellie frowned at the total state of dejection he sat in and hesitantly moved closer. "It's fine…"
"I can't touch you… not until you're healed…" His words were softly mumbled and Nellie felt a twinge of sadness and guilt. "It's too dangerous…" Nellie bit her lip and nodded softly, watching as his grip on the sheets relaxed. "I'm… sorry…"
Nellie sighed heavily, sick of the many apologies from the past day and a half. "It's okay."
Sweeney turned to her hesitantly. "No, it's not. I could have killed you."
"You…" Nellie paused, sighing. "No… you stopped. That's what matters."
"I promised I would never do that to you again…" He spoke softly, remembering the night of the rape.
Nellie bit her lip. "Don't worry about it, alright? It's not your fault… and I'm fine… everything's okay…"
"This has not been our finest day, pet…" Sweeney laid down on the bed and covered his eyes, unable to erase the feeling of guilt and shame.
"I know…" Nellie laid down next to him, sighing.
Sweeney turned towards her hesitantly, watching her closely. "Are you sure that you're alright?"
Nellie sighed heavily and closed her eyes. "'Course."
Sweeney swallowed as she sighed, watching her softly. "I can still hold you…" He spoke calmly, reaching a hand tentatively towards her.
Nellie opened her eyes and looked into his, nodding softly. Sweeney felt a small burst of relief at her nod and pulled her close to him, burying his face into her chest. It was an odd feeling for the two of them. Nellie had never him so vulnerable in all the years that she had known him, even as Benjamin. She put her hand in his hair gently, stroking it, and waited for his breathing to even out before joining him in sleep.