The day grew dark as another round of thunderstorms moved into the area. It reflected the mood of the city as it waited in impatient anticipation. The traffic continued at its normal rate, darting through the blurry streets quickly.
In that hospital room, nothing was happening, nothing except a life hanging on. The heart rate was steady, Olivia's pale shell lying completely still on the bed. Her lungs weren't working. Her brain was unsure of what it was that it had to do. The rest of her body crumbled in the uncertainty. Every breath pumped into her made her chest rise and fall slowly. Each one signified a better chance of her returning to doing it on her own.
Nick entered the hotel room carrying light luggage. He found Amanda, Fin, Munch, and Brian already there. Brian sat on the first bed, his head in his hands as he leaned on his knees.
The lump in Nick's throat returned with a terrible vengeance. The way one man had held the power to affect every single person he knew and loved sickened him, at the same time terrifying him.
How many more men were out there that would do the same? Could it happen again?
He set his bag down as Amanda gave him a sad smile of welcome. He felt himself tired from the explosion he'd had back at his home.
"Cragen called." Munch said quietly, trying to get them to think about their captain for a bit. The thoughts on their minds were just too heavy.
They all gave their attention to Munch, except Brian, who seemed to be in a realm of his own.
"They're still six hours out." He stopped.
Fin shook his head. "Longest flight of his life."
The words fell so easily from his mouth. Those words sunk their teeth into everyone's skin. It felt like it went right through to their hearts. They knew the pain of being there and seeing it all. But what was it like to not be there? What kinds of things was Cragen seeing when he refreshed the news page? They all knew he was doing it. They knew he wouldn't want it to be sugar-coated. Yet, some of the news articles were no doubt misinformed or not informed at all. Everyone wanted to be a part of what was happening, even if they had to create fake stories just to do so.
"How about we all try to get a little rest. It's gonna be a long week trying to get Liv back." Fin suggested after seeing the reactions from his last comment. Reluctantly, they each agreed.
Munch thought he'd add something he was reminding himself of. "Worrying is like a rocking chair. It doesn't get you anywhere, but it gives you something to do."
His soft voice of wisdom rang in their ears, resounding in deep thought. Amanda nodded a little, acknowledging the fact that that simple quote got to her. It was the truth, after all. Each of them split up into their separate rooms and laid down, in search of sleep.
Cragen awoke with four hours left in the flight. The nightmares came back to him, jarring him as he tried to seek out what had really happened and what hadn't. Eileen put a hand on his.
"No word." She said as she saw the panic in his eyes.
He sat up slowly, pushing his head back against the seat. His phone was already in his hand, and he refreshed the news page despite the concerns of what he might find. The next three news articles were the only new ones that came up.
"Sergeant Out of Surgery at Bellevue."
"16th Precinct Squad Beds Down Close."
"Commissioner Gives Warning."
The last one made Cragen's heart beat irregularly. The commissioner had made a statement and he had missed it. Eileen just watched him quietly. She couldn't say anything that would make it any better. She'd done what she could. Cragen's irregular heartbeat halted altogether as a picture loaded with an article. It seemed the press had gotten a close view from above at the granary.
The picture captured the paramedics rolling a stretcher away from Nick and Amanda, who stood looking shocked. The crystal clear photo terrified Cragen. His blood ran cold. It was zoomed in so close that he could see the paleness of Olivia's face. She lay stiller than the others, even in the still photo. There was blood streaked on her face, down her arm, in her hair. And then there was the large, crimson stain spreading through her sweater. That's where Lewis had gotten her.
The air was coming through his throat shallowly. It was unsteady and painful. Eileen took the phone gently from his shaking hands. She glanced at the picture for but a second. Then she locked the screen and put the darkened phone next to her so that they could see nothing more.
"Not now." Her eyes were already crying on their own.
As much as they had needed to see the picture, they couldn't take any more. Cragen took her hand and then turned to gaze out the window. It was such a huge world with so many people in it, but there was only one he was worried about.
Amanda took care of the call to IAB before lying down in her bed, Fin in his own across the room. They confirmed they'd all make statements in 24 hours. As she stared at the ceiling, Fin's voice came across to her.
"Say what you need to." He encouraged her. If she had the courage to say what she felt, he thought maybe he would be able to as well.
Amanda sighed, unable to discern where she had to start. The melody of every nerve clashing with different emotions played like a haunting reminder on repeat within her.
"I know that Olivia did the right thing." She paused, thinking. "I just wish there would've been some way we could have known."
Fin listened and then let the silence take the words. "She was ready." He said so quietly Amanda almost missed it. But she hadn't.
Even as much as she wished she could believe that wasn't the case, it had been the look Olivia had given them in that granary that made them very aware that she was prepared. Amanda saw the look change as Nick did.
"Not at the end. We saw it." She referred to the sudden change that overcame Olivia's face as she began to weaken in front of them. Then she had changed her mind. It was one thing to go into a situation like that expecting to die - alone. It was whole other thing to be prepared to die in the arms of those who loved you. Olivia had been expecting the first, and had been unprepared for the second when it began to happen. That's when she'd changed her mind.
"I just wish we could've gotten him the first time."
Nick was lying in a room alone, just thinking. Being alone with his thoughts was too much, but he could not stop them. He couldn't shut them off. What a terrible man Lewis was.
He saw Olivia's face again as she lay in his arms struggling to breathe. As hard as it was to accept that he might be saying goodbye soon, Nick couldn't help but think about everything Olivia had done, putting something, anything on the line to help someone else. She'd taken that to the next level when she'd set out to save a little girl's life in exchange for her own.
Nick swallowed hard. Hero. A hero. His hero. That's what she was and would always be. When his eyes closed in utter exhaustion, all physical and mental energy spent, the thoughts took him back in time. He saw Olivia, felt her sarcastic bite his first days on the job. So much had changed. Then the image was back. Olivia stood in her full uniform, saluting proudly as she received her public promotion to the position of NYPD Sergeant.
The way she looked so helpless and small in that hospital room threw Nick. She had always been the one who seemed larger than life, who had been able to deal with everything hurled her way for decades. Nick had to close his eyes as tight as a vice to try and keep signs of his emotion from showing, but it did no good. One single tear squeezed past the barrier, wetting his cheek as it journeyed down his skin onto the pillow behind him.
Brian was lying on his back, staring at what was above him. The invisible net of oppression seemed to grow darker as the time went on. How only one night could change so many lives, possibly even take one, made him so sick he couldn't move.
As many times as he'd repeated it to himself that 'it wasn't fair' didn't do justice. He'd thought about it so many times before, but it always came back to his mind unforgivingly. How was it that a criminal had escaped conviction so many times? How was it that he'd gotten three extra chances to try and crack Olivia so wide open she couldn't be repaired?
Munch was listening to the silence in the room, trying to decipher the hidden messages within it. It offered him nothing but agony. The sound of Brian's steady breathing in the bed next to his only encouraged the painful surges of reality coursing through him. Never before had he seen his best friend in such a condition. Brian was almost in physical pain, and he showed it. They all were hurting, but it was not the same kind of pain.
Munch moved a little and then used his voice. "He's dead." He reminded Brian.
Brian's emotions ignited into rage and frustration. "What does it matter if she's gone too?" He challenged angrily.
Munch only fell into stunned quiet for a moment. "She's not."
Brian stared up at the ceiling shaking his head. There was so much he wanted to do, wanted to say, but remained incapable. All the thoughts coursing in him were just too complex to put into words. Or maybe they were too simple. He wasn't sure. What he did know is that he couldn't get them out.
"Munch, there's no way not to blame yourself, myself, everyone." Brian tried to express himself. "Sure it's Lewis' fault - all of this - but I had a chance both times to keep it from happening, and still, it happened. We shouldn't be here right now."
Munch digested the words slowly. The feeling was one he too found himself drowning in.
"I know." He let his best friend know that he understood.
There was no question: everyone lying in those hotel rooms near one another had something they wished they'd done differently, or not done at all. At the same time, they wished they'd been able to do more.
"But we can't know everything. We didn't know what Lewis was going to do."
Brian was completely still. Munch nodded when he heard the question from Brian. "You remember when I told you - I couldn't imagine being without her?" The sentence was a careful one.
"I do." Munch replied, waiting for what was to follow.
"Now I am imagining it." It hurt to admit. It hurt Munch to hear it.
"And I can't make it stop." The way Brian's words trailed off at the end prompted Munch to look over at him. Brian's gaze couldn't be broken from the ceiling. Brian had felt the emptiness of the apartment after he'd retrieved his clothes and items for the overnight stays at the hotel. Olivia wasn't even dead. She just wasn't there with him in their home. What would it be like if she never came home? How empty would the home feel then?
Munch swallowed what felt like a bowling ball, weighing him down. "Liv's going to come home, Brian."
It was like Munch could read his thoughts. "And we're going to get you both through this." Munch finished firmly.
He was going to give into the illusion that Olivia was always alright. This time would be no different. As Munch shut his eyes, he recalled the image of frail Olivia against the pale sheets of the hospital bed, her life being provided from machines outside her body. Maybe this time, that would change. And as much as Munch wanted to be able to change that very real possibility, he could do nothing but lie helplessly along with everyone else. If the weight crushing him didn't kill him, he knew the endless waiting would.
The largest reason he had for leaving the force was that he never wanted to have to go through what he did the past September, searching endlessly for Olivia, thinking she was going to die if they didn't get to her soon enough. Yet there he was, thinking the very same thing. Except this time, they had found her. This time, they may have been too late.