A/N: Wow, I have to say I was completely overwhelmed by all the reviews you guys left on the last chapter. So thank you for the massive support of my story.
For this chapter I feel like I should give you a warning. Christian will recall some of the horrors of his past. This is not going to be an easy read and some of you might need some tissues to get through the chapter. At first I wanted to go into more details, but it just became too disturbing to write, so I touched what happened to him, but didn't go into great details. I guess all of you already have a pretty good picture of his past, so I didn't want to go into great details.
I usually don't do this, but while I was writing this chapter I listened to 'All I need' by Within Temptation. I would really recommend you listen to it while reading this chapter, as I think the lyrics fit Christian perfectly.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to E.L. James
Christian's POV
Damn it Grey, get your act together, go home and talk to Ana! No, I can't. Fuck, I've never felt like this. On one hand I'm so mad at Ana for going behind my back and asking my family about my past and on the other hand I'm scared to hear that she sees me any differently now.
I don't want her to see me as a weak person, a victim. I want to be her rock. Hah, who am I kidding she has been my rock right from the start. She is the only person in the world who is able to calm me down and she makes my nightmares go away. Now they are back with a vengeance and I haven't slept more than 6 hours since Saturday.
Fuck, she knows I have trust issues and for her to go behind my back like that makes me question everything. Hell, I respected her and didn't dig deeper into her past. Instead I have waited for her to tell me, so why couldn't she do the same fucking thing for me?
Why the fuck did feel the need to find out? To be honest, I'm not sure I would've told her anyway. It is not that I want to hide it from her. I just don't want to talk or think about it at all. I can't, it makes me feel weak and I'm not fucking weak.
I've had 7 sessions with Flynn since Saturday and he told me this morning that I wasn't allowed to return until I have talked to Ana. He thinks Ana did this to get a better understanding for my issues. Fuck me, even he is defending her, but that is what I call 'The Ana Effect'.
It's crazy, but everyone loves her and she gives you this safe feeling and at the same time you want to protect her. Hell, I have to stop this. We are getting married in less than two weeks. Tonight I have to go home and talk to her... or not. Fuck, god damn it, I'm only making things worse.
I'm just about to tell Andrea to cancel my meetings when the door flies open and my Mom storms in. Oh fuck, she looks furious. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen her this mad since I was a wild teenager.
"Christian Trevelyan Grey, are you happy now? What for the love of God were you thinking treating Ana like that?" she yells at me and even now as CEO of my own company I feel like a small boy when my Mom takes that tone with me.
"Mom please, I know I have to talk to Ana, I'm just to mad and..." She holds one hand up and I shut my mouth immediately.
"Yes, you should have talked to her, now it is too late. Ana called me 30 minutes ago to tell me that there will be no wedding."
My world stops. No, she can't do that. Is she leaving me? Oh fuck, what have I done. I can't breathe I can't...
"Christian, oh my god. Look at me you need to take deep breaths." my mother's voice comes through to me and I realise I sitting on the fucking floor. Damn, how did I get on the floor?
"Mom, she can't leave me. I ... I can't lose her."
"Christian, darling you need to calm down, then go home and talk to Ana." She is right. Fuck, Ana can think that I am the biggest loser in the planet as long as she stays with me.
I finally manage some deep breaths and alert Taylor that we are leaving. This just can't be happening. I knew I would fuck up, but she can't leave me.
15 minutes later I storm into my apartment, but Ana is nowhere to be seen. I run into the bedroom, search the walk in and the bathroom, but she isn't in there either. I'm just about to leave the bedroom when I see it. Fuck no, lying on my pillow is a small note with her ring on top of it.
No, please no. I grab the note read it and nearly have another panic attack. She left me, he really fucking left me. I fucked it up. No, she can't leave me like this. She has to listen to me. Damn, where is she. I run out of the bedroom, all the way through my apartment and into the security office. Thank fuck, Sawyer, Prescott and O'Donnell are in there so she has to be here.
"Where is Ana?" I snap.
"Miss Steele went downstairs to her apartment about an hour ago."
"Why is no one with her" I hiss, barely able to fight back another tantrum. "Umm Sir, you told us that Miss Steele is allowed to go to her old apartment on her own, since it is in the same building."
"Track her cell now and I swear to God you are all fired if she is no longer in the building." I take the elevator down to the 25th floor and knock furiously against the door, but there is no reaction.
"Sir?" I turn around to find Taylor. "What?"
"Miss Steele's phone is switched off. Sawyer is trying to check if she has used her credit cards and O'Donnell is talking to the building security to find out if and when Miss Steele has left the building, do you want me to open the door for you?"
"You have a key?" he gives me one look and I know he doesn't need a key. So, I let him open the door and find her apartment empty. Shit, where the hell is she and why would she leave like that? I grab my phone and call Mia, maybe she has heard from Ana.
"Hi Christian."
"Mia, have you heard from Ana?"
"Yes, she called me about 20 minutes ago, to tell me that she couldn't make it to Bellevue today and now Kate bailed on me too. Is something going on?"
"No, everything is fine. Ana just switched her phone off and I couldn't reach her security."
"Oh, ok. I have to run. See you soon." she hangs up and I sigh. Fuck, I bet she is with Kate and that bitch hates me. I text Elliot that I need Kate's number and once I have it I call her.
"Yes?"
"Kate, this is Christian. I know Ana is with you. Hand her the phone, now!"
"And why would I do that? Ever heard of emotional abuse you asshole? Because that's what you have done to her. I knew you were bad news, but now you have gone too far. Leave her the fuck alone!"
Fuck me, that bitch just hung up on me. "Taylor, I need you to track down Miss Kavanagh's phone. Ana is with her." I give him the number and leave the apartment. Damn I hate that fucking ballcrusher. Emotional abuse? I would never do that to Ana. I was just trying to not let the situation between us escalate.
Or is it? Is that why Ana left, because she felt emotionally abused? Fuck, I need to see her now. "Taylor do you have a location?"
"Yes Sir. Miss Kavanagh is at the 4 Seasons."
"That's where we will go"
30 minutes and 5000 dollar later I know in which room I can find Ana and knock at the door. I can't believe that stubborn old witch at the desk was refusing to give me the number of the suite. At least the manager was way more helpful after I gave him 5000 bucks for the information.
I have to knock twice before finally someone opens the door and of course it's the ballcrusher. "What the hell are you doing here? Go to hell" She tries to shut the door in my face, but I'm not having it. Instead I grab her place her in Taylors arms and go inside. I lock the door so she can't get in and find Ana sitting on a sofa.
"Ana?"
"So, you found me." Damn she is mad, she is not even looking at me and her voice is cold. Fuck I have no idea what to do.
"You promised me you wouldn't leave Escala without security." Good job Grey, just keep snapping at her that will get you far, I scold myself.
"Oh, so now you care what I do. It didn't seem like you would care in the last couple of days." she says bitterly. "Ana, I was just trying to calm down, I didn't want to say something that would hurt you."
Ana jumps to her feet and glares at me. "Not hurting me, fuck you Christian. Honestly what do you think you've done by not talking to me. I had no idea if you were breaking up with me or if you are just sulking. All the while I still had to organize our wedding and I wasn't even sure if you would show up next week.
I cried myself to sleep every night since saturday, thinking that you were just waiting for me to leave, because you wouldn't want to be the one to call off the wedding. I know you have issues and I'm trying my best to compromise all the time, just so you don't have to feel insecure or left out. But what you did the last couple of days hurt me more than anything else.
I can deal with you shouting or breaking furniture, but not with this silent treatment you were giving me for days now. And most of all I did nothing wrong..."
Fuck no, that makes me mad again. "Yes, you fucking did by going behind my back." I yell at her.
"I did not go behind your back Christian. You want to know who told me? It was Elena while she had me in that fucked up cabin. I wanted to know if your birth mother was lurking somewhere and she told she was dead. The moment that bitch realized that I had no idea what happened to you, she couldn't wait to tell me."
No, fuck. I really fucked up. Damn that old hag, she is fucking up my life even from the grave. "Ana... I ... I'm sorry."
"That's not good enough Christian, because let's face it we wouldn't be talking right now if I had stayed at Escala. I love you, but I don't think I can forgive you anytime soon."
"Ana, please, I know I fucked up, but don't leave me. I need you, I go crazy without you." Fuck, if she really leaves me, I don't think I can survive it.
"Yet, you have no problem with cutting me off for days. I mean is this how our marriage will be? I do something you don't like and you just stop talking to me, don't answer your phone and only return home once I'm asleep? Oh or maybe we can keep my old apartment so you can stay there and don't have to look at me at all and if we have kids someday you can move in there permanently, because surely they will do or say things you won't like either."
Ana is crying now and I can't take it. I want to pull her into my arms, but she steps back. "No, don't touch me. Just answer me, is this how you will react every time I fuck up in your eyes?"
"Ana I ... I don't know. I never been in a relationship and the only reason why my family is still talking to me is because they are used to my fuck ups. I never meant to hurt you, I just didn't know what to do, because I ... I never wanted you to know." Fuck, damn it now I'm crying too and I don't do crying.
"Why Christian?"
"Because I don't want you to see me as weak and so far all I did was showing weaknesses around you. I want you to see me as strong and how can you possibly do that knowing what you know now."
"Do you want to know how I see you?" Ana's voice is soft and for the first time I'm afraid of what she is going to say. There is no way that she can see me for anything else than a weak loser, but I have to hear it. She is leaving me anyway, I just know it, so why wait. I nod and she takes my hands.
"You are the strongest person I have ever met in all my life. You've been through so much in your life, but you never gave up. You make me feel safe and loved. I would never see you as weak Christian, because that is simply not true. You are not weak, don't ever think of you that way."
I blink at her, how can she say that? She knows everything and she thinks I am strong?
"Ana, that is not true what they did to me and I didn't run or fight them."
"Christian you were a child and those people who did this to you were grown ups. Is that what you think? That you are weak because you didn't fight them off?"
"I should have, but I was to scared" I confess.
Ana's POV
I just looked into Christian's eyes and they show nothing but pain and shame. I can't see him like this, so I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly.
"You were a small child, there was nothing you could have done Christian." I whisper while he is holding onto to me as if his life would depend on it.
"She left the door open, but I didn't run. I should have ran away, but I was too stupid to help myself." he murmurs and I can't believe that he is blaming himself. I have to make him understand that it is not his fault and that there was nothing he could have done.
"Christian, look at me please." he does and there are tears sliding down his cheeks. "Christian, I don't know how old you were when it started, but you were too young to fight them off and running away? Where could you possibly have run to? My God, you were so young you could have died on your own on the streets."
"I don't know why I stayed. I ask myself over and over again why I stayed."
"Because you were a small child and even if the life you had has been hell, it was all you knew Christian. It is a known fact that young children that have experienced abuse sometimes think that this is normal. That this is something that happens to every child. And sometimes the unknown is even more scary to a child than what it knows. You just didn't know that there is a better place for you." I feel that he is shivering and lead him into bedroom of the suite, we lay down and I hold him in my arms.
"When I first came to live with the Grey's I remember I was afraid of my Dad. When he raised his voice I would hide somewhere. I was afraid he would hit me and when he came to read me a bedtime story I was scared he would touch me. It took me more than a year to realise that he wasn't going to hurt me.
It was easier with Grace, I guess because she is a woman. When ... back then, when I lived with my birth mother it would always be men who ... who did this to me. Some would only touch me ... others wanted me to touch them ... and some would ... they would ..."
"It's ok, I understand." I whisper. Christian is shaking violently, it is torture to watch him like this, but I feel like it is important for him to get this out now.
"There was an old lady, she lived in the same building. I saw her a couple of times in the hallway, she always had candy for me in her purse. I liked her. She tried to talk to me, but the pimp wouldn't let her. She saw the men coming into the apartment and heard me scream. When she realized what was going on she called the cops.
The guy who was with me that day was on drugs. He was so brutal that I had internal bleeding. I nearly died on the way to the hospital. It was Grace who saved my life. When I saw her the first time, she looked like an angel, blonde hair and dressed in white. I admire her and my Dad for giving me a home.
I wasn't an easy child. I guess sometimes they cursed the day the took me in. I was in trouble all the time, but they never gave up on me."
"Because they love you. You never give up on the persons you love."
"You left me. Did you give up on me?" His voice is pure agony and I start to cry again. "I will never give up on you. I love you Christian Grey, but I didn't know what else to do. I was so afraid that you were just waiting for me to leave that I couldn't stand it any longer. I hoped you would come after me and you did."
"Will you come home with me?"
"Yes, but you have to promise me, that you won't do this again. I understand that this is all new for you, but you've hurt me so much. I can't live with the fear that if I do something wrong you are just going to shut me out."
"I ... I had many sessions with Flynn in the last couple of days. He suggested that we start couples therapy. I know this sounds weird, but I'm afraid to fuck up again. I never had a relationship and I want us to work Ana, I need us to work."
"I never considered doing therapy, but if you think it will help us then I'm going to trust you on this, because I need us to work, too."
"Do you still want to marry me next week?" I look at Christian and I know it would be best to call the wedding off for now, but at the same time I know, if I tell him that I want to wait, he will think I don't want to marry him at all.
"Yes, we will marry as planned."
"Thank you, baby I promise you won't regret it, I'm going to work on my issues. I won't let you down again, I promise" Christian murmurs between kisses my forehead, my nose, my eyes and finally my lips.
"I need you baby, I want to be inside you now" he breathes against my lips, but I can't do that right now.
"Christian, no. Not now, please."
He looks up at me and I can tell that he is hurt. "Why not?"
"Because I'm still upset about the way you treated me and I can't just shut that out right now. Give me some time, ok?"
"Ok, can I hold you for a while?" he gives me a hopeful look and I nod with a smile so we snuggle up against each other in bed.
"Do you really think I am strong?" he asks and I smile. "Yes, I mean look at what you have achieved so far. You proof that you are strong every day Christian, why can't you see that?"
"I don't know, my birth mother, her pimp, those men, Elena. I just can't see it." he whispers and for the first time I really see that behind all the arrogance, his sometimes rude behavior, his hate towards women is really just fear. Deep inside he is still the scared little boy he was all those years ago.
"You are Christian, please believe me."
"I'll try." I give him a soft kiss and we just lie in bed looking at each other for a while.
"I want to show you something. It was supposed to be my wedding gift for you, but I want you to see it now." He says after a while.
"Why do you want to show me now?"
"I want to know if you like it, come!" With that he gets up and pulls me up too.
"You know, Kate will probably throw a fit once we leave the room." I smirk. "She is a ballcrusher Ana."
"You promised you would try to be nice to her" I remind him and he sighs. "Fine, but I can't promise that I keep my mouth shut if she is picking a fight."
"I will talk to her too." I promise him he takes my hand and leads me out of the suite. We take the elevator down to the lobby and as soon as we are out of it Kate storms over to us.
"Are you ok Ana? Do you want me to kick his ass?" Her voice is so full of venom that actually feel the need to step between her and Christian.
"I'm fine Kate, we talked about everything. You don't have to worry about me."
"Ana, I want to trust you on this, but I'm still worried that he is going to hurt you." Just when I'm about to answer Christian beats me to it.
"Kate, I understand that you are worried about Ana and I like that about you. I know the way I behaved in the last couple of weeks was wrong and I still have a lot of groveling to do to make it up to Ana. But I'm really glad that she has a friend like you who stands up for her. Why don't you come over tomorrow evening and have dinner with us, you can bring Elliot too and make sure that Ana is ok."
Kate is shocked. I guess that is the nicest Christian has ever been to her and I have to hide a grin.
"Ok, we will be there, but I mean it Grey you hurt her again and I will cut off your balls and feed them to you." Kate threatens though her voice is softer now.
"Well, in that case I better not fuck up again. Do you need a ride, we are leaving?"
"No, my car is in the garage. I call you later Ana." She kisses me goodbye and gives Christian a stiff nod before she turns around and leaves.
"Good enough?" Christian asks and now I can't help but laugh. "Yes, well done"
After I've checked out of the hotel, Taylor is waiting for us at the car. "Wait, my car is at the garage Christian."
"I'll send someone to pick it up for you." he holds the door open for me and gets in after me.
"Where are we going?" I ask when Taylor drives through town and then goes onto the Interstate 5.
"Wait and see" Christian has the biggest smile on his face and I know he won't tell me until we reached our destination.
45 minutes later Taylor pulls up in a driveway protected by iron gates. He lowers the window on the driver's side, types in a code and the gates open.
"Who lives her?" I ask, but all I get as an answer is his ' I have a big secret' smile. I look at the house and it is beautiful. It has this old world charm to it that I really like, I wonder who lives here.
We get out of the car and he leads me to the front door, reaches into his pants pocket and hands me a set of keys.
"For you." For a second I have no idea what is going on and then it dawns on me. He bought the house.
"Christian ... I ... are you telling me you bought this house?"
"If you don't like it we can sell it and look for something else." he reassures me.
"What, no! I love it Christian. It's amazing."
"It's home. You want a tour? Elliot will remodel it for us, you can choose what ever you like. We can make the plans after our honeymoon and move in next year." Christian seems thrilled that I like it and so we get inside and he shows me around.
The house is amazing and much bigger then it looked from the outside. It has 8 bedrooms each with an en suite bathroom. A family room, a library, the biggest kitchen I have ever seen, an own cinema, there is space for a gym in the basement and it has an indoor pool. Next to there are also two rooms which Christian wants to turn into study's for us.
Outside is a huge patio, another pool, a tennis court and a guesthouse that Christian wants to turn into apartments for the staff. We also have a boathouse and our own dock, so Christian wants to have the Grace brought here, so we can go sailing when ever we want.
It's the most amazing home I have ever seen. "It's amazing Christian, let's not make to many changes, ok?"
"You really like it?"
"Yes, it is perfect. I loved it the moment I saw it. We are going to be happy here. I know it." I hug him and he kisses the top of my head.
"I want us to be a family Ana. Escala was a good choice since it is close to Grey House, but it never felt like home. This place does feel like home. In a couple of years we will have kids and I think this is the perfect place to raise a family."
"Yes, it is." I look up at him and come up with an idea. "I have two gifts for you for our wedding. I want to show you one of them. Do you want to see it?"
"Yes, but why two?"
"Because, the gift I'm going to show you won't be ready to be picked up until after our honeymoon. Come on, it only 15 minutes from here."
We leave the house and I give Taylor the address we are going to. When we arrive Christian frowns.
"Who lives here baby?"
"A nice couple. Come!" I take his hand lead him to the front door and ring the doorbell. A minute later Sally, the woman who lives here opens the door.
"Hi Ana, you want to come visit again?"
"Yes, Sally this is my boyfriend Christian. I want to show him his gift."
"Sure, nice to meet you Christian I'm Sally."
"Hello" Christian mutters and I can tell he has no idea what is going on. Sally leads us into the family room where on a blanket 6 white puppies are playing. I walk over and pick the one with the blue collar up.
"That's for you. It is a kuvasz puppy, the are of hungarian origin. You can see his parents later, the get really big, but they are friendly dogs."
"You bought me a dog, really?" Christian looks totally excited and takes the puppy. Mia told me that as a child Christian always wanted a dog, but since Carrick is allergic they couldn't get one. He would still ask every christmas and birthday for a dog until he was 13 or 14, so I thought this would be the right gift for him.
"Here are the parents" Sally announces and Christian seems even more excited seeing how tall the are. He quizzes Sally about anything from food, over what the like and he is excited that he can take the dog with him for a run and that they love to swim.
After an hour we leave and make a date to pick the puppy up, two days after we are back from our honeymoon. Of course, since Christian let mentioned the honeymoon Taylor had Sally sign an NDA and I was a little embarrassed about that, but we have to be careful or our wedding will become a media spectacle.
"Thank you Baby, that is the best present ever. How about we name him Ace?"
"Yes, that sounds good. Better than the name Sally gave him."
"What, did she call him?"
"It's the sixth time one of her dogs had puppies, so she named them all beginning with the letter E, his name was Elliot" We both laugh and decide that Ace is a good name.
Once we are back at Escala we get out of the car and he asks me to wait a second.
"What is it?"
"Just this" he reaches into his pants pocket, produces my engagement ring and places it back on my finger. "Please, don't leave me again. I'm lost without you Ana. I promise I will never treat you like this again, but please don't leave me again, I can't live without you. You are the best that has ever happened to me."
Again I have tears in my eyes and I get onto tiptoes and kiss him. "I won't leave you again. I love you Christian, now please take me upstairs and make love to me." I whisper into his ear and I can feel him smile against my neck, when he hugs me tightly to him.
I know being married to Christian will be challenging at times, but I'm ready to fight for us. And I know from now on it will be my life's mission to make him believe how strong and wonderful he really is.
A/N 2: The next chapter will be up Friday or Saturday. Please leave me a review and tell me what you think about this chapter.
Oh and one of you asked if I have a pinterest board for this story. I have to admit I never used pinterest, but since you all left me so many reviews I wanted to give you something back and created a pinterest board for this story. You can find it under the following link
www. pinterest sfanfiction /fsoht /
just remove the spaces and it should work
Sunny