Chapter 19: Shattered Reputation
The next morning, after a night of little sleep, Sweeney rose from the bed first and stretched his muscles. He had spent much of the past night thinking about what had happened between the two of them and he felt guilty that he had continued to mention Lucy, especially when Nellie was so willing to give him the chance to reunite with his lost daughter. With a sigh, he walked to the crib and took Helena in his arms as she began to whimper. He had decided already that he would do what he could to make the day enjoyable for Nellie, so he began by caring for the baby before she could wake her mother. After changing and dressing the baby, he wrapped her in a nearby blanket and carried her with him down to the kitchen.
Toby had not woken up yet and Sweeney found that another bottle of gin had been opened during the night. No doubt at some point they had woken him up after returning their bedroom. Sighing, he capped the bottle and set the baby in her basket. Sweeney made sure that she would be sleeping as he cooked before setting about the task of making breakfast. Nellie had always made extra, and he was sure that it was in some attempt to get him to eat more than he was, so he took only enough to feed the two of them and Toby. As he scrambled the eggs over the fire he thought of ways that he could please her. Nellie was always talking about flowers and it crossed his mind while he minded the cooking that he could get her some from the market at lunch.
When he finished the cooking, he poured the eggs onto three plates and ate his own before waking Toby. Taking the final plate and the baby, he returned to the bedroom to find Nellie still asleep. After putting Helena back down in her cradle, he set the plate of eggs on the nightstand and shook Nellie's shoulder gently, knowing that she would have to wake up soon regardless of his breakfast in bed. The baker let out a soft moan as he shook her and he sat beside her as she began to wake.
"What?" Nellie hadn't opened her eyes and Sweeney tucked a loose hair back behind her ear.
"It's morning, pet. Time to wake up."
Nellie opened her eyes reluctantly, expecting him to have woken her up early to start breakfast on her own, and let out an exhausted sigh. No matter how early he let her sleep, she was sure that she was never going to get enough time. Next to her on the bed Sweeney took the plate into his lap.
"I already made breakfast." Nellie raised an eyebrow as he spoke, not bothering to lift her head from the pillow. "The boy is fed, the baby is fine." Sighing, Nellie sat up in bed and looked at the plate of eggs in his lap. She knew that he was attempting to apologize for something if he were being this sweet this early, and she had a feeling it was about Lucy.
"Nice try, honey." Her tone wasn't necessarily annoyed and Sweeney sighed, already feeling the beginning of frustration setting in.
"Why is it never enough that I try." As he spoke, he set her plate back on the nightstand. "When was the last time that I beat you when I got frustrated?" It was true that he had not truly laid a hand on her in a long time, not since before she had become pregnant, and he didn't find that he particularly wanted to now. Still, a marked improvement in behavior was more than enough in his mind to justify how well he had handled the situation of the past night. "When was the last time that I let my anger take control? Is this not an improvement?"
Nellie bit her inner cheek as he spoke, aware that she was internally chastising herself when it came to actually chastising him in regards to Lucy. "You shouldn't have ever raised your hand to me. Stop thinking that you're going to get glorified for doing things that are expected of everyone else because they're the most basic things that you could be doing."
"I'm trying! This is very difficult for me and you very well know that. Whether you like it or not, I am not a basic man. I haven't been in fifteen years. I told you already that I cannot become Benjamin again." Sweeney looked away from her and got up from the bed with a sigh. It was like nothing that he ever did for her would be equal enough or greater than anything he had done to her. This was never his intended situation to begin with. It had been up to him entirely, he would have killed the judge and either gone back to prison or left London for the rest of his life. "It's fine. Just eat. I'll be up in the shop." As he spoke he took Helena back into his arms and carried her up to the barber shop when he was finished.
Nellie let out a heavy sigh as he gave up on the conversation and got up from the bed herself. "Whatever, I'm not hungry." Though he had heard her, he ignored her comment and continued up to his shop, setting the baby in Johanna's old cradle. Nellie rolled her eyes and threw the eggs from the window to the cats in the alley before getting dressed for the day. When she finished she made her way to her own shop and greeted Toby with a kiss to the cheek.
Before opening his shop, Sweeney smirked, an idea dawning on him, and he opened the door to the household. "I love you, dearest!" He shouted down for her before closing the door and opening his shop. If she wanted a perfect gentleman who lived to please her, then that she could have. While he was aware that there were aspects of his behavior that needed desperate improvement still, he felt wronged by her rejection of his apology outright.
Below in the pie shop Nellie raised an eyebrow as she heard him and she sighed in annoyance before opening her own shop for the day. Both baker and barber went about their day until it was time to feed Helena who had already begun to cry. After he finished his current customer, Sweeney let him go and closed the shop for Nellie's privacy, holding the baby as he waited for her to come up the stairs. Nellie could hear her cries from the pie shop and she left it in Toby's hands as she went up the stairs to feed her.
When she entered the pie shop, she crossed the room to take her from him, smiling at her sweetly. "Are you hungry, love? Come here." Nellie spoke to her daughter sweetly, stroking her cheek with a gentle finger.
"You know, she thinks that you should forgive me. We talked about it." As he spoke, Sweeney vacated the chair so that Nellie could sit to feed her. Nellie rolled her eyes, choosing to ignore him, and sat down in the proffered chair, continuing to stroke Helena's cheek softly. "Did I tell you that you look radiant today?" Sweeney smirked as he leaned against the wall of his shop. "Absolutely radiant. Like sunshine almost." Nellie raised an eyebrow, not even slightly amused as he continued to compliment her, and pulled a breast from her dress, beginning to feed the baby. "Oh, come now, at least look at me. I told you already how much that I liked your eyes… they're soft and kind. Absolutely beautiful." Nellie let out a heavy sigh as he continued and forced herself to look at him and smile, hoping that if she did, he might stop.
"You know that I know when you're really smiling, pet," he continued as she looked at him. "I want to see you smile in the way that I know that you can…" As he spoke, he crossed the room and knelt on the floor in front of her, kissing the baby's head as she suckled. Nellie sighed and looked away from him, refocusing her attention onto Helena. Sweeney, not willing to give up first, kissed her knee and rested his head on it softly. "You are even beautiful when you're angry. The picture of beauty. The very essence of it."
Nellie frowned as he continued to compliment her beyond anything due and she glanced back down at him. "Are you bloody okay?"
"I'm always okay when you're around, Nellie." Sweeney smirked and met her gaze. "Who wouldn't be lifted in spirits around you?"
"Oh, God…" Nellie sighed heavily and looked back at the baby. "Stop it."
"I can't. You're very presence makes me exuberant. The softness of your skin is softer than velvet and your kisses are like an experience with Heaven."
Nellie looked back at him, feeling exasperated. "Please, stop." She shook her head as he kept his head on her knee.
"I'll stop if you forgive me. Otherwise I might well go on to talk about how women all over London envy the dark curls of your hair and how they're so soft and lush…"
"Jesus fucking Christ, then, I forgive you!"
"Even the baby knows that you don't mean that." Sweeney smirked as he spoke and stood up from her lap, crossing his arms over his chest. "Has anyone ever told you that the curves of your waist are so perfect that no one could ever hope to achieve them?"
"I forgive you, damn it!" Nellie looked at him in frustration, feeling a headache coming on from his constant barrage of compliments.
"Say it nicely and I may well believe you, but everyone knows that that is not the voice of forgiveness. Though it does still have the tone of an angel ringing through it."
"Alright, love." Nellie forced a wide smile onto her face as she looked at him. "Shut the fuck up." As she spoke she placed her breast back into her dress after Helena finished and getting up, she placed her back in the cradle gently.
"That's better. It's a pity, I had so much more to say..."
"No need to say them, it's totally fine." Nellie faked a smile and passed him on her way to the door.
Sweeney held a hand out to stop her, taking her arm in his hand and turning her to face him. "Come now, there's a reason I want your forgiveness."
Nellie sighed and looked up into his eyes. "Mhmm."
"I didn't mean to anger you. I wasn't trying to cause strife. I love you and I want these next few days to be happy before I know you'll be upset again." His words came from a place of honesty and he knew that as much as he wanted to make his point, he would actually need her forgiveness.
Nellie sighed when he finished, sensing a shift in his tone. "Then stop comparing me to Lucy."
Sweeney sighed and gave a soft nod. "Come here…"
Nellie hesitated before coming closer to him slowly. When she reached him, he took her into his arms softly, burying his face in her hair. "It's just some of the things you do… remind me of Lucy and I can't help but say it. I'll try better." Nellie sighed and bit her lip, not wanting to talk about it further and risk getting emotional all over again. Sweeney kissed the side of her head as she seemed to stay calm and held her closer to himself. "Do you really forgive me, then?"
"Mhmm…" Nellie hummed softly, looking down at the floor.
Sweeney pulled away from her and looked at her softly. "I meant all those things, you know. I perhaps exaggerated… but I meant what I said."
Nellie gave a slight nod and looked up at him, sighing. "'Course you're forgiven."
"Can I have a kiss, then?" Sweeney gave her a soft pout, trying to get her to really smile.
Nellie tilted her head, unable to deny that he looked adorable, and bit her inner cheek in hesitation before giving him a little smile and kissing him softly. Sweeney rubbed her back gently as she kissed him and he pulled away from her when they finished.
"There we are," Sweeney cupped her face in her hands as he spoke. "A real smile."
Nellie rolled her eyes and her smile lifted naturally. "I love you."
"I love you as well, pet." He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "I'll see you for lunch. You can't leave the shop to the boy all day."
Nellie sighed and nodded softly, aware that Toby had already handled the shop for full days at a time when she was unable to handle Sweeney's absence. "Okay." She gave him a quick kiss before moving away from him and going back down to her shop. Sweeney watched her go as she left and opened his shop again once he could no longer hear her.
As the day went on in the pie shop, Nellie found herself resting when she could. In all actuality, she was very tired from the past few months and whenever there was a lull in customers, she would take a moment to lean against the counter. As she was doing so, upstairs in his own shop, Sweeney himself was facing a rather slow day. He found himself thinking about her in his free moments and his thoughts bent towards the moments in the previous night when the two of them had been intimate and loving towards each other. He found himself getting hard as he thought about her and after a moment's thought he closed his shop and made his way silently downstairs and into the shop kitchen, carrying Helena in his arms and placing her in a basket on the floor of the kitchen.
After he had settled the baby, he crouched low and surveyed the traffic in the pie shop, crawling out from the kitchen and beneath the counter when he had determined it to be safe. Nellie sighed, unaware of him, and rested her chin on her hand, waiting for the next bout of customers to come through. Sweeney snuck his way over to her silently, though by the time that he reached her, Nellie had caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye, flashing him a soft frown.
"Sweeney?" She began to turn to him but stopped when he motioned her to be still, holding a finger to his lips. Nellie began to worry that perhaps someone had come to question him and she reluctantly resumed her former position. Sweeney moved in front of her legs and lifted her skirts over his head, feeling Nellie's legs lock in shock at what he was doing. Nellie felt herself start to panic and she attempted to pull away from him as he grabbed onto her legs. "What the Hell are you doing?" Her words were a whisper but there was an urgency to them. Even if there were almost no customers, Toby himself was only a few feet away on the other side of the counter, clearing tables.
"Do you remember the dance hall? This is very similar." He whispered back to her with a smirk.
Nellie's mouth dropped as he said that and she felt herself panic again. "Don't."
"Shh, you'll draw attention," he whispered with a smirk, his hands running over the back of her legs.
Nellie sighed a bit shakily as she remembered his fingers and tongue pleasuring her under the table at the dance hall and she felt herself shiver in anticipation of what he was going to do. She glanced around the room quickly, making sure that they were truly, apart from Toby, alone. Under her skirts she could feel her bloomers and tights being pulled down to her knees, his fingers caressing her inner thighs lightly before she felt his lips begin to trail up from her knees in soft kisses. Nellie sighed quietly and bit her lips, already starting to get wet as his lips pressed against her thighs.
His hands began to push her thighs apart lightly and she shivered as she felt him give her entrance a soft kiss before taking her clit into his mouth, sucking on it slowly. Her eyes widened as he did so and Nellie whispered "Fuck" to herself as she bit her lip. His hands caressed her thighs as he sucked and Sweeney smirked against her clit as he added a finger into her already wet entrance. Nellie moaned as quietly as she could and closed her eyes for a moment, letting herself take in the pleasure that he was giving her and stopping herself from bucking her hips or pushing his face against her pussy.
A customer who had already been seated previously heard her soft moan and looked up from her plate. "Are you okay, miss?" She asked Nellie, a look of genuine concern on her face. Underneath Nellie's skirt, Sweeney added a second finger into her, his free hand holding onto her thigh gently.
Nellie opened her eyes, feeling her chest tighten in panic. "Y-Yes…" She gave the woman a quick smile and blushed as she moaned again.
The woman looked skeptically at Nellie as she moaned again and turned back to her food, continuing to eat. Another customer walked into the shop and made his way up to the counter, standing in front of Nellie.
"Hello, Miss. I'll have a pint of ale and a pie if you would." As he spoke, the man laid out some coins on the counter before looking back at her and taking in her odd expression. "Are you alright, Miss?"
As Nellie looked at him, Sweeney began to pump his fingers faster, sucking on her clit more harshly. She bit her lip as he did, her legs shaking, and she suppressed another moan from escaping her lips. "S-Sure love… Just wait for a moment." Nellie moaned loudly as Sweeney began to suck on her clit faster, and she blushed deeply, looking down at him. "I-I'll bring it to you."
The man gave her an odd look as she moaned and leaned forward to see what she had looked at but Nellie had already moved herself forward, her waist pressed against the counter to obstruct his view. "Alright then," he said as he gave her one more searching look before finding himself a seat in one of the booths. By this point, Toby had left to buy penny candy from the market, the lull in customers allowing him a break.
Sweeney began to move his fingers faster, pumping them quickly for a moment before pulling them out and moving his tongue into her deeply, his thumb beginning to stroke her clit in place of his mouth. Nellie swallowed, noticing as everyone craned to look at her after her last moan, and she pressed on Sweeney's head, attempting to push him away from her but failing as he picked up the pace. Nellie couldn't help but moan again and blushed harder as she did so. "Oh, God, yes," she spoke softly, her eyes widening as she realized that it had come out of her mouth.
By that point the others had begun to laugh at her and one of the women eating in the corner called Nellie a whore in a mutter under her breath. The man had come back to the counter by then and Nellie felt herself panicking as he got close to her, smirking and leaning over the counter towards her. "You know what, I think I'll add something to my order," he looked her over as he spoke and Nellie felt nauseous. "How much do you charge?"
Underneath her skirts, Sweeney was lapping at her entrance, cleaning her of her climax that had already come and gone. When he heard the man try to prostitute his lover he tried to stand up but found Nellie pressing a firm hand to his head. Still breathing quickly from the ordeal, Nellie looked at the man, feeling a rush of panic, shame, and nausea overcoming her and making her feel dizzy.
"What the Hell did you fucking say?"
"I know you've got someone under your skirts, slut." His voice was confident and Nellie felt her stomach churn. "I bet you're a nice fuck."
Sweeney attempted to stand again, feeling a rage set over him as the man insulted Nellie, but again Nellie pressed firmly against him, not wanting any form of confirmation in the situation.
Nellie sighed shakily, the word slut bringing her back to just a year ago when she had still been prostituting at night to make ends meet. "I'm not a slut," she said quietly and weakly, feeling her former shame come over herself again. Underneath the counter, Sweeney held himself back from standing up again, wanting to hear how Nellie would defend herself.
"Sure you aren't, lovely." The man said with a grin as he reached out to touch Nellie's breasts.
Nellie took a step away from the counter quickly, wanting to distance herself from the man at the counter as much as possible. "I'm not a slut," she said softly, swallowing and looking away from him.
"Oh, don't be like that, lovely." The man reached for her again and Nellie felt her heart pounding in her chest as she moved away from him.
Beneath the counter Nellie saw Sweeney motion for her to slap him, mouthing at her to 'go on.' Nellie swallowed and looked back at the man, gathering all of her courage to make her tone stern and fixed. "Don't," she said again, trying to hold her ground.
"You're a picky whore, then, eh? Why's that bloke better? I can bet you good money that his cock ain't as big as mine." The man's stare had become hard and mean and Nellie flashed back in a moment to when she would deal with men much crueler than him. Beneath the counter, Sweeney ran a hand over his face in frustration that Nellie had no hit him.
Nellie raised an eyebrow, suddenly feeling anger in the mixture of shame and fear already inside of her. "Oh, love, don't worry about it. His fucking cock is way bigger than yours." Nellie faked a confident smirk and beneath the counter Sweeney gave her an encouraging smirk of his own, though still angry at the man for even talking to Nellie in the first place. The man continued to glare at Nellie and spit over the counter at her before slapping her across with the face with such strength that a crack rang throughout the shop. Without another word, he turned on his heels and left the shop, followed suit by any watchers left in the vicinity.
When all had gone, Sweeney stood up from the floor and prepared to jump the counter to go after the man who had slapped Nellie, rage bubbling inside of him. Before he could so much as lift himself over it, Nellie had grabbed onto his shirt, holding onto it tightly. When he had turned to face her, she let go of him shakily, her body trembling in the aftermath of the slap, a harsh sting on her reddened cheek. Unable to support herself as her legs began to shake, Nellie leaned against the back wall, tears spilling over onto her cheeks involuntarily as her breathing hitched high in her throat.
Sweeney took in her composure and felt his temper dampen, knowing that if he had held himself back until they could be alone, Nellie would be okay. Her cheek was scarlet where she had been slapped and he felt an overwhelming desire to hold her in his arms. He approached her slowly and took her into his arms gently, beginning to rub her back as he held her. It didn't last long, however, as Nellie pushed him away, feeling a surge of panic at the touch a man, no matter who it was.
"Don't touch me," she warned him, her voice quivering as she spoke.
"Nellie… I didn't know that would happen… No one noticed at the dance hall… I'm so sorry, pet…" As he spoke he took small steps back from her, giving her space to calm down. Moving around the counter, Sweeney locked the pie shop door for her, letting her maintain the privacy of an empty shop.
Nellie sighed shakily as he turned back towards her. "Go away from me." Her voice had a hint of begging in it and Sweeney felt his heart sink in his chest.
"Eleanor… please…" Sweeney stayed where he stood, not wanting to upset her by coming any closer.
"No." Nellie's voice cracked as the tears began to come faster and heavier. "Don't touch me again. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Get the fuck out of my fucking life." Nellie went quickly to the bedroom when she finished, anger and hurt dominating the cocktail of emotions taking over her body. She slammed the door and locked it behind her before falling into the bed and burying her sobs into the pillows, hating that they smelled like him.
In the pie shop Sweeney slammed his fist against the wall before taking Helena into his arms in the kitchen, calming her as she began to cry. "It's alright, Lena," he comforted her gently. "Your mother will calm down soon enough." He carried her back to the parlor with him and lay her back in the cradle gently. He could hear Nellie as she shouted up at him from the bedroom.
"I hate you!"
It was laced with tears and he felt guilt and frustration over how awfully he had seemed to ruin them. Nellie's reputation was tarnished, again, and he knew it would take a lot of work to win that back for her. His own reputation was unmarred, after all, no one saw that it was him beneath the counter. Hesitantly, he opened his shop and worked until Helena had begun to cry of hunger, leaving him no choice but to bring her down to the bedroom and see if Nellie would take her.
"Nellie?" He called to her softly from the other side of the bedroom door. "You can be angry with me all you want but our daughter is hungry and you cannot ignore her."
Nellie had prepared herself to fight him off but when he mentioned Helena, she could feel guilt come creeping over her. She had forgotten about Helena, temporarily, as she cried and even when she calmed herself in exhaustion, it hadn't crossed her mind to go take her. Getting up hesitantly, Nellie opened the door and looked only to the baby.
"Come here, love," she spoke softly, taking her in her arms gently, her cheeks still wet with tears. "Mummy will feed you." Her voice cracked slightly as she spoke and she returned to the bed, leaving the door open. Sweeney followed her into the room hesitantly, leaning against the far wall from her and watching her silently. Nellie sat on the bed and lowered her already loosened gown to feed the baby, caressing her cheek gently. "I love you," she whispered to Helena softly, trying to ignore his presence in the corner of her eye.
Sweeney sighed and ran a hand over his face softly. "You can be angry at me for the rest of your life," he began slowly, watching her, "but I didn't mean to hurt you again. It just… happens that way…"
Nellie swallowed, feeling herself begin to shake again as he spoke. "Don't talk to me." She kept her eyes locked onto the baby, trying to remain calm.
"No. I'm not going away. I love you and I know that as angry as you are with me, that you still love me too." His voice was firm and stern as he crossed his arms over his chest.
Nellie frowned sadly, feeling as though she were about to be lectured, and took a deep, shaky breath. "I don't want to love you. It just hurts."
"I know." Sweeney groaned slightly, feeling guiltier as he noticed her light shaking. "I'm trying! I don't want to hurt you… I thought that you would like it, like the dance hall. I had no idea that that would happen."
"That's the thing, Sweeney…" Nellie's voice was soft and sad as she spoke, a heaviness to her words as she refused to look at him. "You never know. You just do things without thinking and it hurts."
Sweeney sighed and looked away from her, knowing that she was right. "I'm sorry…"
"I already know that…"
"What the person said…" He spoke softly, knowing that he was risking doing exactly what Nellie just told him he kept doing. "It isn't true…"
"I don't care if it's true. They think it is."
"Can I at least come closer to you?" Sweeney looked up from the floor and glanced at her hesitantly.
Nellie looked up reluctantly and hesitated before nodding, feeling herself on the verge of tears again. She would never be able to cut him out of her life and right now she wanted to be held more than she wanted to leave.
Sweeney crossed the room slowly and sat on the bed, not daring to touch her as he did. "Are you feeling any better?" Nellie shook her head as the tears began to spill over once more. Sweeney watched as she began to cry and he approached her slowly, putting a hand on her shoulder lightly. "Let me hold you…" Nellie gave a hesitant nod and Sweeney moved closer to her on the bed, pulling her lightly against his chest. He placed a soft kiss on top of her head and stroked her back gently as she shook lightly. "I promise I'll make it better…"
Nellie sighed shakily as he made her yet another promise and didn't answer him, knowing already in her heart that he was just going to break it. Promises for him were temporary.
"It was my fault..." he continued quietly. "You can leave earlier if you want to."
Nellie shook her head, feeling more panicked at the idea of leaving alone than of staying here with him. "N-No…"
"Are you sure you want to stay here? With me?" He held her a little tighter as he spoke and Nellie sniffed quietly.
"Mmmm…."
"You're incredible, Nell…" Sweeney looked back at the baby who had finished eating and had begun to close her eyes. "Give her to me."
Nellie sighed and handed him Helena gently before looking away. Sweeney stood from the bed with her and kissed her forehead, placing her back in her cradle before coming back to the bed and pulling Nellie back against his chest, nestling his face in the crook of her neck. Nellie held back another wave of tears as he did so and put her arms around him softly.
Despite himself, Sweeney became overwhelmed at her returned touch, feeling an immense wave of guilt wash over him, and began to cry softly against her shoulder. Shame mingled in his chest as he hoped that she wouldn't feel it and he silently wished that he had died before he ever came back to London.
Nellie swallowed as she felt the wetness on her bare shoulder and she pulled away from him softly, caressing his cheek hesitantly. "I'm fine, love. Don't… don't cry." She let out a shaky sigh as she attempted to comfort him and tried desperately to hold back the tears that had only just stopped.
Sweeney sighed, unable to hold himself back and finding himself touched with panic at the lack of self control. He shook his head lightly and pulled her back against him, wanting to hide his weakness behind her shield. "Don't look at me…" His words were a whisper and Nellie could hear the shame and desperation in him.
Nellie frowned, unsure of how well she could handle his emotions and her own, and whispered in his ear softly the only encouragement she could give him: "I love you…"
He held her tighter in response, unable to lift his head, and nuzzled against her neck as he continued to cry. Nellie sighed and began to rub his back gently, her own tears welling in the corners of her eyes.
"I'm sorry," he muttered against her neck softly, kissing her shoulder and trying desperately to reign himself in.
Nellie nodded slowly, feeling her heart sink in her chest. "I know…"
"Why do you stay?" His voice was gentle and almost childlike in the evident hurt that filled it.
Nellie hesitated before lifting a hand to his hair and stroking it softly. "I love you…"
"Any other woman would have left despite that… why do you stay?" His voice quivered and Nellie looked at him. There wasn't any other answer than what she had already told him. She loved him obsessively and it was enough to keep her tethered to him.
"Because I love you. It's enough for me to stay."
Sweeney looked up from her shoulder slowly and cupped her face in his hands, not able to stop the feeling of shame still in him as she looked at him. "There isn't another woman like you, I'm sure of it…"
Nellie give him a soft, sad smile before kissing him lightly on the lips. "I won't leave you."
Sweeney pulled away when the kiss finished and he buried his face against her chest, wanting to hide until he could finish crying and regain some semblance of control again.
Nellie kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer, closing her eyes. He placed a soft kiss to the center of her chest, his arms holding her waist tightly. "I'm sorry I get this way…"
Nellie sighed softly. "It's okay…"
"No, it's not. I'm not supposed to get like this. It took me six years of prison to stop this." His voice was soft and he refused to look at her, his rare moment of honesty spoken softly towards the floor.
Nellie frowned and looked at him sadly. "I'm not dead…" She gave him a half-smile. "See, I survived. It's okay."
"Yet I still weep. Emotions are not… good for me." Sweeney nuzzled against her breasts as he hid his face from her.
"Awe, love…" Nellie sighed and tried to think of what she could do for him.
"How do you deal with them all the time?" Sweeney pulled away from her lightly but looked away from her gaze.
"Who?" Nellie tilted her head, trying to catch his gaze.
"Feelings…" He muttered beneath his breath. Sweeney had spent years feeling nothing intentionally and now he had been overrun by emotions he had long forgotten.
Nellie sighed heavily and shrugged. "I don't even know…" She gave him a soft smile, hoping that he would at least look at her.
"I hate them…" Sweeney hesitated a moment before glancing up at her fleetingly. Nellie sighed and stroked his cheek gently, causing him to lean into her touch and kiss her wrist. "I love you…" He managed to lift his eyes to meet hers as he spoke.
"I don't really hate you…" Nellie spoke softly, feeling guilty that she had yelled at him.
"Not even a little?" He looked away from her again as he spoke and Nellie knew that he must truly have believed that she meant it to some degree.
Nellie gave him a sad smirk, though she felt truly guilty. "No…"
Sweeney gave her a light smile, a rarity for Nellie, and pulled her against him again, kissing her deeply. Nellie returned the kiss softly and Sweeney tightened his grip as he laid back on the bed, pulling her on top of him as he did. Nellie moaned softly into the kiss, wanting him to relax and calm completely. Sweeney pulled away from the kiss as she moaned and looked at her softly.
"You are incredible…" As he spoke his tears began to stop slowly and Nellie felt a hint of relief as she noticed.
She shook her head softly and rolled her eyes, giving him a soft smile. "No…"
"Yes… absolutely incredible…" He kissed her cheek softly and Nellie could feel the wetness of his tears on her skin.
Smiling softly, she gave a small sigh. "So are you…"
"I'm a demon…" He looked away from her again, still feeling ashamed and guilty.
Nellie kissed his cheek, feeling her heart break as he degraded himself. "No."
"An incredible man wouldn't hurt you so much…"
"It doesn't matter…"
"To me it does…" He glanced back at her softly as he spoke.
Nellie sighed softly. "You're the love of my life, Sweeney. Whatever you do… it won't change my love for you."
Sweeney tightened his grip around her again and buried his face against her shoulder. "You are terrible at making life choices."
"Shh… don't say that."
"You chose a man who's hurt you emotionally and physically, has raped you, embarrassed you publicly. What part of that says "good decision?'"
"You're the one I love…" Nellie's answer was slightly flat as she was reminded of all that he had done to her, but still, she meant it. She was his forever, for better or worse.
Sweeney sighed and pulled away from her shoulder, kissing lightly at her neck before meeting her gaze. "You know I love you very much, but I still think that you're terrible at decision making." He gave her a light smirk though he didn't feel much better.
Nellie returned his smirk softly and Sweeney kissed her again, sucking lightly at her bottom lip. "I want you," she whispered to him softly as the kiss broke.
Sweeney pulled away and rested his forehead against hers lightly. "I can't…"
Nellie frowned, feeling panicked as he rejected her. "You don't want me?"
"I do… but I can't…" His grip around her loosened and Nellie felt her heart race in panic.
"Why?"
"I… can't explain it… I just want to talk with you…" His words were muttered and he looked away from her searching gaze.
Nellie gave a hesitant smile and moved to his side. "Okay…"
Sweeney turned towards her and pulled her against him again softly, kissing her forehead. "Thank you…" Nellie smiled lightly and gave him an encouraging look. "What's your favorite color?"
Nellie raised an eyebrow, surprised and relieved. "Guess…"
"Blue?" In all honesty, he wasn't even trying, but still, Nellie felt excited that he wanted to know.
She rolled her eyes at him playfully. "Really?"
Sweeney sighed and kissed her nose. "Purple?"
Nellie shook her head, smiling playfully.
"Red?" He kissed her cheek, holding her close.
Nellie smirked softly as he guessed correctly. "Maybe…"
"Maybe?" He echoed her, kissing her chin.
Nellie smiled softly. "You guessed right."
"Do you know mine?" As he spoke, he trailed a hand slowly down her side.
"Is it red too?"
"No…" He glanced up and gave her a soft smirk. "Guess again."
Nellie bit her lip, taking a moment to think. "I don't know…"
"Oh, come now. I guessed yours." Sweeney kept a light smirk, stroking her auburn curls softly.
Nellie shrugged, unable to think of a color that he would like. "Do you really like any color?"
"Just because I'm a dark man, it doesn't mean that I don't have any preferences, pet." He gave a soft laugh and Nellie's heart lifted in her chest. "I'm not entirely evil."
Nellie smirked softly. "Mmm… Tell me then…" She gave him a soft pout. "Please…"
"If you really can't guess… it's brown. To be exact… the same color shade as your eyes." It was true that since he had come back, being around Nellie drew him closer to warmer, earthy tones, though of course he maintained apparel of white and black only.
"Awe…" Nellie kissed him softly, genuinely touched.
"What about your favorite animal?"
Nellie raised an eyebrow. "They annoy me."
Sweeney laughed and kissed her forehead. "All of them?"
"Yeah." Nellie rolled her eyes. "Especially those cats."
"Alright, so no animals. What about food? You have to have a favorite food."
Nellie gave a soft nod. "Pasta… you are an amazing cook, love."
"Flattery will get you nowhere, I'm afraid." Sweeney stroked her back gently and Nellie felt a twinge of relief as he joked with her. Sweeney kissed her softly before asking his next question. "Is there anything you want to know about me?"
"What are your dreams? You must have some…"
"You don't want to know what I dream of, pet…" He spoke quietly and Nellie knew that she had unwittingly struck a nerve by asking him. Frowning, she tilted her head at him softly, hoping that he might at least give her a little detail. "They aren't very pleasant dreams."
Nellie nodded softly, accepting the finality of his answer. "I'm sorry…"
"It's alright, pet. It isn't your fault." As he spoke, he placed his head back onto her chest softly. "These really are softer since you had the baby, you know."
"Really?" Nellie kept her voice calm and quiet for him, stroking his hair.
"Yes. I like them… Not that I didn't before."
Nellie smiled softly and continued to stroke his hair.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't pleasure you when you actually wanted me to…"
"I'm fine with it…"
"Maybe we shouldn't sleep together until I have Johanna…"
Nellie frowned softly. "Why?"
Sighing, Sweeney looked up at her and kissed her softly before speaking. "I don't know anything about you… and that isn't fair, pet."
Nellie looked at him intensely for a moment, genuinely surprised at his reasoning.
"What? I can't be curious?" He gave her a soft smirk and Nellie felt her heart flutter.
"No… No, it's just… Surprising…" Nellie gave him a soft kiss. "Ask me anything. Go on."
"How old were you when your parents died?" He chose his words cautiously, unsure of how much Nellie really cared for them.
"Thirteen." Nellie gave him a fleeting smile, not wanting to put a damper on his curiosity.
"Did you like them?"
Nellie looked down and thought for a moment. "Not really…"
"Do you want to talk about it?" He kissed her forehead and rubbed her back soothingly.
Nellie looked up at him and gave him a sad smile. "It's fine."
Sweeney didn't press the subject further and he gave her a quick kiss before moving on. "Do you have any siblings?"
"I had a sister… but… we weren't really close… I haven't seen her since my parents died."
"How old were you when you married Albert? You couldn't have been on the streets alone at thirteen…"
Nellie sighed, not particularly wanting to remember her relationship with Albert. Still, he was trying so hard to be good to her and she didn't want to deny him an answer just yet. "I'd been living with my aunt. She kept comparing to my sister and I was tired of it, so at sixteen I left. I've been on the streets, but I didn't… do anything. I met some people that took me in for a little bit at a time and then I met Albert and got married at seventeen. He was twenty-four." Nellie let out a heavy sigh, thinking of the chubby young man who had been so entranced by her figure that he offered her his home if she would marry him. "At first it was okay, I didn't love him but I kind of liked him."
"When did you know that you loved me?" Sweeney nuzzled his face into her hair as he spoke and Nellie gave a soft smile as she thought about a younger, happier Sweeney. As a young man, Sweeney had always seemed so warm and loving, and Nellie had always been more than a little jealous when she watched him with Lucy and Johanna. She could never hear him yelling, he was always kissing her and holding her and giving flowers to her.
"You made me smile every time you walked into my shop," she began softly, remembering his beautiful smile. "When you were only wanting news from the both of us…" She sighed softly, wishing, for a moment, that she could see that man again. "Just 'cause you were really kind... And I don't know… it just happened. One day you walked into my shop and my heart skipped a beat and I knew that I loved you."
"Did Albert know?"
"He never said it… but I'm sure he knew."
Sweeney gave a soft sigh and kissed her neck lightly. "Is there anything that you don't know about me?"
Nellie hesitated, thinking for a moment though she knew just what she wanted to ask. "Did you…" Her words trailed off as she began and she took another moment before finding the courage to continue. "Did you ever… maybe not love me, but…"
"But…?"
"Back in time… I know you were devoted to…" Nellie paused and sighed heavily as she debated for a moment whether or not she should continue. "Lucy, but did you ever… maybe just a bit… think about me... as more than what we were?"
Sweeney sighed and buried his face against her shoulder, aware that she would rather him lie than tell the truth when it came to this topic. "No," he answered truthfully, "I thought you were very attractive and very sweet but I was devoted to my wife, Nellie."
"You thought I was attractive?" Nellie attached herself to the part of his answer that most appealed to her and for a moment she fantasized that he might even have thought of her when he made love to Lucy.
"No man wouldn't." Sweeney sighed again, knowing that Nellie wanted a different answer. "But I had a wife and a child and no matter how beautiful anyone else was, I had promised myself to her."
"Mmm…"
"Is there anything else you want to know about me?"
Nellie sighed, knowing that she couldn't keep asking him what she really wanted to. "No."
Sweeney kissed her forehead and looked at her softly. "There must be something. I want us to know each other more than just physically."
"It's… it's not necessary." As she spoke, Nellie sat up in bed, wanting desperately to keep the subject away from herself.
Sweeney sat up beside her, a little hurt that she was rejecting him. "What did I do now?"
"Nothing…" Nellie sighed heavily, aware that he was likely going to keep pressing her regardless.
"Then why are you so upset? Is it such a bad thing that I want to know you because I love you and I want to stop making stupid mistakes because I don't know anything about you?"
"I don't want you to know me, okay?" Nellie let out a shaking sigh, feeling pressured. "Look, you love me as I am right now… it's enough. It's perfect like this. No need to go further."
"Do you think that I won't love you if I know you? Do you think that I only love you for the sex?"
Nellie bit her lip and dropped her gaze to the sheets, knowing that she was hurting him by not answering. "N-No…"
"Then why can't I know you! I want to know all of the little things about you, we have a child together…"
Nellie sighed heavily as he brought Helena into the conversation. "Last time I was completely honest with you, you called me a fucking whore and asked me how much I charged!"
Sweeney groaned as she brought up his mistake and ran a hand through his hair. "That's different! I was still bad at controlling my temper back then and I apologized!"
Nellie bit her inner cheek, aware that he had done his best to make up for his last reaction. "Well, then! What do you want to know now?"
Sweeney sighed and got up from the bed. "Forget it," he mumbled, walking towards the door.
Nellie sighed as he went to leave. "Love…"
Sweeney stopped at the doorway but refused to look at her.
"Come back…"
Sweeney turned and leaned against the doorframe. "Are you going to trust me?"
Nellie sighed, already feeling a little guilty. "Mmm…" She gave him a soft nod. "Come here…"
Sweeney crossed the room again and sat on the bed across from her. Nellie sighed again as he didn't touch her. "I'm sorry… I just…" She shrugged softly, turning over her words. "We're happy now… I don't want to mess it up again…"
"Come here," he spoke softly, motioning for her to come into his lap.
Nellie obliged and lay her head on his thigh softly, sighing a bit.
He began to stroke her hair as she got comfortable, choosing his words carefully. "We can't avoid fighting, pet. It will happen sooner or later, but you have to trust that I am trying to control the side of me that lashes out. I want to know you… I want to have more reasons to love you than Helena and sex…"
"Don't you have other reasons?" Nellie swallowed, thinking of what he had told her the night before.
"Of course I do… I thought I already told you that I liked your heart and flirtatious manner and your stubbornness. And today I learned that I love your fighting side."
Nellie turned her head to look up at him. "How could you love my flaws?"
"I think they're the best part of you…" Sweeney smirked softly as he spoke.
Nellie raised an eyebrow, not believing him. "Really?"
"Yes, I love those aspects of you… You're also a good mother if that helps you."
Nellie smiled softly. "Thank you. You're an amazing father too, love."
"Until she finds out what a monster I am. Then she'll love you more, pet." He played with her hair lightly as he spoke, truly believing his words.
"No… No, she won't love me more. You'll see."
"How do you know that?"
"I just know…" Nellie took his hand from her hair and kissed it gently. "You're so precious to us."
Sweeney sighed and moved her head from his lap gently before laying down. "I never got past the first year… I have no clue what comes after…"
"Well, it's a good thing we're two, sweetie…" Nellie moved to lay next to him, kissing him softly.
Sweeney put his arm around her as they kissed, pulling her closer to him. "What are we going to do when there are three of them around?"
"We will make it work, love. It's gonna be fine." Nellie gave him a soft smile and kissed his nose.
Sweeney twitched his nose as she kissed it and gave her a soft smirk before remembering that Nellie had thrown her breakfast out and they had never made it to lunch. "You never ate today, did you?"
Nellie shrugged it off. "No time."
"You have to eat, pet." He spoke sternly and sat up in the bed.
Nellie rolled her eyes, not particularly wanting to eat. "I'm not hungry."
"It's not an option," he said again sternly, standing up and making his way to the kitchen, shouting to her on his way down that he would be back in a moment.
Nellie pouted, sighing, and lay back on the bed, waiting for him to come back.
In the kitchen, Sweeney sorted through the pantry and found a tin of biscuits and some chocolate. He took a little of each and poured her a glass of ale before taking it all back to the bedroom with him. "You're eating at least two biscuits and a bite of this chocolate."
Nellie sighed and sat up in the bed slowly. "Sweeney, there's no need for this."
"Yes, there is. You need to stay well…" He spoke softly as he sat on the bed next to her.
Nellie sighed again at his persistence. "You know I'm not a child."
"That doesn't mean that you don't need to eat. Just... please eat."
Nellie kissed his cheek, giving in as she saw the chocolate in his hand. "Okay."
Breaking off a piece of the chocolate, Sweeney held it to her lips softly. "You know that I'm doing this out of love, right?"
Nellie sighed and gave a soft smile. "I know…"
Sweeney kissed her softly before placing the chocolate into her hand.
Nellie ate it slowly, savoring the taste as she rarely ate chocolate for herself. "At least it tastes good."
Sweeney opened the tin of biscuits and ate one before handing them to her. "Eat at least two of those and I'll leave you alone about it."
Nellie smirked and sighed softly before taking the two required biscuits in her hand.
"Just eat them," Sweeney let out a mock sigh as he placed the tin with the remaining biscuits on the nightstand, taking a drink from her glass of ale. Nellie smirked and ate the two biscuits, rolling her eyes as he took the glass of ale in hand. "Thank you for listening."
"'Course, boss." Nellie mocked him lightly, raising an eyebrow.
"I meant earlier," he mumbled, looking away from her and handing her the glass of ale.
Nellie rolled her eyes as he looked away from her. "Don't take everything so seriously." She took his chin in her hand and turned his head to look at her. "You're welcome."
"You're not still upset in any way about what happened earlier today, are you?"
Nellie bit her lip and shrugged. At the end of the day, her name had taken a very large hit. "Well, my reputation is definitely ruined, but it's okay."
"Why didn't you want me to go after that man?" He watched her carefully as he spoke, aware that he could be stepping on a fresh nerve.
"I needed you…" Nellie admitted softly, looking away from him. "I didn't want it but I needed you…"
Sweeney sighed and set the ale glass back on the nightstand before drawing her back against his chest. "I'll find him if you want me to…"
Nellie sighed, snuggling into his embrace. "It's okay, love. We're leaving soon."
"I won't do that again…" Sweeney kissed the top of her head softly.
Nellie sighed again, not particularly believing him, and gave a soft nod.
Helena began to cry again and Sweeney sighed, not wanting to let go of the little baker. "At least she waits for us to solve our problems."
"She's smart…" Nellie smirked softly before pulling away from his embrace and getting up to take Helena from her cradle.
Sweeney watched her from the bed, thinking about how much he would miss in two weeks. "It's been nearly a month…"
"Mmm…" Nellie stroked her cheek, trying to soothe her. "Time goes quickly."
Sweeney sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'll miss her for those few weeks…"
Nellie looked at him sadly, aware that he had ended up loving the baby more than he had ever planned for. "She will miss you too."
"Babies forget very easily…" As he spoke he thought about the fact that Johanna would have no memory of him at all.
"Love…" Nellie sighed and walked to him, carrying Helena with her. "You'll be back after two weeks, she won't forget you."
"And how will she remember someone who's not there?"
"When you come back, you'll see how she smiles at you." Nellie kissed him softly. "Stop worrying."
"Are you absolutely sure that you want Johanna to join us?" Sweeney sat up on the bed and took Helena into his arms, looking at her softly.
Nellie sighed and gave him a soft nod. "It's not an option."
"She may ask about Lucy…"
"Well, answer her, then. That's all."
"Just… remember that I love both of my daughters the same and that her presence will not lessen my love for you, pet." Sweeney kept his eyes locked to his daughter's, letting her take one of his fingers in her hand.
Nellie sighed, knowing that it would be very trying for her to even look at Johanna when the time would come. "We'll see."
Sweeney sighed again. "Put some faith in me, Eleanor."
"Don't call me Eleanor." Nellie sighed and kissed Helena's cheek. "You know, love, I just don't want you to give me false hopes, that's all." Nellie sat next to him on the bed, watching as Helena looked at him.
"Why are they false hopes? What do you think I'm going to do? Dig up Lucy's corpse?"
Nellie bit her lip, feeling guilty as he mentioned her 'death' again. "No… I didn't say that." She sighed and layed back on the bed. "But we just don't know how it's going to turn out."
Sweeney used his free arm to pull her against his side, sighing as he did so. "Nellie… there's no woman but you. Lucy is dead and I only love her in my memories and for the sake of giving me Johanna. You're alive… have a little faith that I can love two daughters from two mothers and love you as greatly as I have…"
Nellie sighed, trying to push away her guilt. "Whatever you say."
"Please…" He looked at her softly and began to stroke her shoulder with his thumb.
Nellie sighed as he caressed her, relaxing at his touch. "Okay…"
"Is there really nothing you want to know about me?" Sweeney held Helena at his chest, looking down on Nellie as she lay next to him.
Nellie sighed heavily and looked away from him. "Why don't you talk about yourself instead?"
"It's fine if you don't want to know anything." Sweeney looked back at Helena as she took his shirt in her little hand.
Nellie smiled softly, watching her, and hoped that he would let the conversation drop there.
"Do you think… do you think she'll understand?"
Nellie sighed as he spoke again. "Of course…"
"No… I mean… Johanna… Do you think she'll understand?"
"Oh…" Nellie sighed and looked up at him. "Sweeney… You know it will be hard at first but… It'll get better. And eventually she will understand."
Sweeney sighed and kissed the baby's head, his free hand taking one of Nellie's in his own. "Will you miss me for those two weeks? As much as you did the last time that I left?"
Nellie frowned, surprised that he would even ask. "Yes… but it's okay, love. Don't worry…"
Sweeney lifted her hand to his lips gently, kissing her fingertips. "I love you… very much…"
Nellie gave him a soft, sad smile. "Me too…"
"I know it's early… but you should sleep. You've had an emotional day because of me. It must have taxed you greatly…" He rubbed her fingers with his thumb softly as he spoke.
Nellie sighed and smirked softly at his protectiveness. "Alright…"
Sweeney stood with Helena and brought her back to the cradle, laying her down softly before coming back to the bed. He stripped his shirt and helped Nellie undress, avoiding looking at the scars on her skin, and lay down with her, holding her close as she drifted to sleep.