Chapter Twenty: Mingled Pasts
The next few days before Nellie's departure had passed without any real argument or tension between the two lovers. There was a calm air between them, though Nellie couldn't help but feel worried the longer he went without making love to her. She worried that, though he had given her reasons why that said otherwise, he found her unatractive now that he had some time to get used to her new imperfections from pregnancy. Still, the most pressing tension had come from the lack of business at the pie shop. Nellie hadn't experienced such low levels of traffic since she had faced widowhood and though she knew she wouldn't have to stay much longer, it still worried her greatly. Toby had once again taken over the counter as Nellie could not bear the constant whispering and staring from beyond the glass as people walked by.
The day had come when it would be time for them to separate and Nellie would leave with Toby and Helena to secure a temporary home for the family by the sigh. She would be taking all of the money that they had, save what Sweeney would need to travel to her with Johanna, and Nellie felt an immense pressure about it all. It was a lot of responsibility to manage the funds (more than she had ever had in her life) and being without Sweeney left her anxious. Sweeney himself had not slept at all the night before. As the time came closer to when he would be seeing his daughter for the first time in sixteen years, he felt his stomach begin to knot itself. It worried him that she might reject him or that Nellie would be robbed or find herself lost without him there to travel with her.
He held her throughout the night and watched her as she slept, his eyes following the movement of her body with every breath. When daylight finally broke, he shook her softly by the shoulder. "It's morning, pet…" He whispered into her ear, holding her close to him.
Nellie moaned as he shook her awake and snuggled closer to his chest, not wanting to wake up and face the day ahead of them. "We can sleep a bit…"
Sweeney rubbed her back softly and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You want to sleep our last morning away?"
Nellie bit her lip, a light sense of dread coming over her, and pulled away from him softly. "'Course not…"
Sweeney suppressed a yawn, feeling exhausted and yet unable to feel calm. He rested his forehead against hers softly. "I wish you could do this with me…"
Nellie sighed and looked at him sadly. She knew that he hadn't slept, she could tell it on his features. Before he had had some bad nights where he would never sleep for days until he couldn't stand anymore and she knew that it was linked to how much stress he felt. Sweeney kissed her lips before sitting up in the bed, stretching his tired muscles.
"Do you want to make breakfast with me?" He looked down at her as he spoke and Nellie felt anxious at the sight of the deep rings beneath his eyes. She gave him a soft smile, not wanting him to pick up on her own stress.
"'Course," she told him as she stood up, her mind calculating how much time she had left with him.
Sweeney stood from the bed and put on a clean shirt and vest, tightening his pants and putting on his boots. "I'll meet you in the kitchen. You should feed the baby." Sweeney kissed her cheek before turning to leave the bedroom and Nellie sighed, nodding softly to him before he turned from her.
Crossing the room, she took Helena into her arms, smiling at her sweetly and caressing her cheek. "I love you… we both do…" She whispered the words into Helena's ear softly.
Sweeney stopped at the door frame as he heard her and turned to watch as Nellie continued to caress Helena's cheek. He hesitated before crossing the room to her and wrapping his arms around her waist from behind, his chin resting on her head.
Nellie smiled as he embraced her and felt herself calm a bit as Helena's gaze moved to look at her father. "Look, it's daddy…"
Sweeney smirked softly and kissed Nellie's neck. "And daddy loves mummy very much…"
Nellie smirked lightly as he called her 'mummy' and sighed in a moment of content. "You're lucky, love. Your parents truly love each other."
"Mmmm…" Sweeney hummed softly and kissed the side of her head, breathing in her scent while he could.
Nellie smiled as he kissed her and turned her head to give him a soft kiss on the lips before looking back at Helena. "Are you hungry, love?"
Sweeney pulled away from her lightly, his hands still touching her hips. "She'll look like you, you know…"
"I think she'll be way more beautiful." Nellie wrinkled her nose and smiled at Helena.
"You are a very beautiful woman, darling…" Sweeney brushed her hair aside and kissed the back of her neck softly, causing a shiver to run down Nellie's spine.
Nellie sighed, smiling to herself as she imagined the beautiful young woman that Helena would grow up to be. "You are a very beautiful man yourself, love." She smirked softly, thinking of what a son would look like. "You have a sexy father, sweetie."
"Beautiful?" Sweeney cocked an eyebrow, ignoring her latter compliment.
"Mmm…" Nellie nodded, thinking about his cheekbones and lips on a toddler boy.
"Perhaps sixteen years ago…" Sweeney could not fathom the idea that she found him beautiful. He had scars all over his back and scattered elsewhere on his body and his skin was rough and pale. Though he understood why he had sex appeal, his muscles were firm and defined, he had always known his cock was larger than average, but beauty was not a word he would ascribe to himself. He played lightly with her hair as he thought about what she might find beautiful about him.
Nellie rolled her eyes, assuming that beautiful was just another touchy word for him. "This didn't change." Nellie turned and walked to the bed, sitting down and pulling her nightgown down below breasts, sighing as Helena began to suckle.
Sweeney watched her as she fed the baby and sighed before walking to the bed and kissing the baby's head before kissing Nellie softly. He rested his head against her forehead lightly for a moment before pulling off. "I'll go start breakfast." Nellie gave him a soft smile and nodded her head before looking back at Helena.
Sweeney went down to the kitchen and started a fire in the stove, putting a pan over it to heat. Deciding to make eggs, he took half a dozen from the bowl and began to cook for the family. Upstairs, Nellie fed the baby until she was satisfied and rocked her to sleep before putting her down in her cradle. With a sigh she pulled her gown back over her breasts and put a dressing gown on before going down to the kitchen.
"I'm here…" Nellie's voice had a touch of song in it and Sweeney pretended not to hear her as he scrambled the eggs.
Nellie walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head on his strong back. Sweeney let out a contented sigh and finished the eggs before turning and hugging Nellie close to him. "I will miss this…"
She sighed as he held her close to him and snuggled against his chest. "Me too…"
Sweeney pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sighed as well, thinking of how much he had come to depend on touch. "Don't forget to write to me when you are safe…"
"I won't forget…" Nellie looked up into his eyes lovingly, trying to hide the desperation she felt when he reminded her that she would not even hear his voice for weeks.
Sweeney kissed her lips and nibbled softly at her bottom lip, thinking of how he could get as much of her as possible in the coming hours. After a moment he pulled away reluctantly and put the eggs on two plates, leaving Toby's portion in the pan. "Sit, we'll eat."
Nellie glanced at the counter, noticing the teapot unused. "And the tea?" She raised an eyebrow at him, a little worried that he had forgotten. "You forgot the tea, love."
"Ah," he said as he handed her the plates and moved the kettle over the fire. "We must never forget the tea."
Nellie smirked a bit, relieved that he was joking, and pushed the idea away that he was so overly exhausted that he would not be able to handle himself. She set the plates on the table and slapped his ass playfully. "It's okay, I forgive you." She turned and sat herself at the table.
Turning from the fire after she slapped his ass, he raised an eyebrow at her. "You play a dangerous game, pet…"
Nellie's smirk broadened as she caught the hint of playfulness in his tone. "Oh, really?"
"Perhaps," Sweeney gave her a soft smirk as he spoke, crossing the room to her.
Nellie's eyes widened playfully and she continued to smirk at him, hoping that this might lead to love making.
Sweeney could see in her eyes that he had flipped a switch inside of her and he wrapped his arms around her, pressing her firmly against him. Nellie felt her heart rate pick up and she shivered as he trailed a hand slowly down her back. She gave him an encouraging smirk, looking into his eyes as she felt herself getting wet. Sweeney leaned in as if he were going to kiss her and whispered softly against her lips.
"Do you want me?"
Nellie's gaze dropped to his lips and she felt her breath stop in anticipation of his lips touching hers. "Always…"
Sweeney smirked as she answered him and pulled away from her, taking the kettle off of the fire as it began to scream. "Well, then, that's too bad that we agreed not to touch each other."
Nellie sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, leaning back against her chair. He had such an easy way of making her ache for him and she felt her hips squirm uncomfortably at how aroused she was. She watched as he poured the water into the pot and brought it over to the table.
"It'll only be two more weeks and then I'll fuck you however you like." He said it matter of factly and Nellie felt the urge to both slap him and put her hand down her bloomers at the same time.
She gave him a smile, hoping that he might fuck her anyway before he left. "Great."
Sweeney smirked, seeing how visibly uncomfortable she was now, and poured her tea. "Just eat your breakfast."
Nellie sighed and sat down at the table, her legs fidgeting as she ate her eggs and tried to think of things that would take her mind away from his cock.
"At some point today you need to go to the market and buy the food you'll need for your journey. Make it believable." He sat down across from her as he spoke and began to eat his own eggs.
Nellie sighed, feeling herself calm as she remembered that there would be actual chores today. "I don't know what I'm gonna say."
"Look upset. Tell them I hurt you last night. Tell them I hurt the baby. Whatever you think will do it." Sweeney's words were absent minded and Nellie felt anxious at how calmly he was approaching a tarnished reputation.
Nellie let out a sigh and nodded as she thought of what she would spin at the market. "I don't think that they will take much pity on me."
"Tell them the truth then... " Sweeney sighed and looked up from his eggs. "Tell them it was me and that you didn't want it."
Nellie frowned as he suggested allowing her to tell the truth of the situation in the pie shop and she shook her head vehemently. "I don't want them to think that you're that mean."
"It's fine, pet. I'm leaving soon, aren't I? Let them think whatever they want."
She let out a heavy sigh, trying to think of what else she might say, sipping at her tea silently.
"When did you want to go?" Sweeney glanced up at her, knowing that going anywhere in public now was a challenge for her. "It doesn't have to be for several hours." Nellie looked away from him and shrugged, wanting to put it off as long as possible. Sweeney sighed, pushing his plate away. "Come here." Nellie looked up and sighed a bit before getting up and sitting on his lap. He put his arm around her and kissed the center of her chest lightly. "You will be okay…"
"I don't know…" Nellie gave him a sad smile and shrugged. "We'll see."
"You will be okay. Do you want to know how I know?" Sweeney began to trail kisses up from the base of her neck and Nellie felt herself relax against him. She sighed contently and nodded. "You will have the boy and the baby. The last time I left, you were alone and the boy wasn't very much company for you. The baby is half mine, though… and that will give you a part of me to keep with you." He pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder when he finished.
Nellie nodded though she felt close to tears as she remembered his past absences. She loved Helena, dearly, but that didn't mean that she would fare any better without him now that she had her. If anything, Nellie worried that looking at Helena while he was gone would make her feel worse rather than better. He pulled her closer on his lap and nuzzled against her shoulder.
"You will be alright…"
"Who's gonna be there to protect me?" Nellie whispered to him, pressing into him softly.
Sweeney looked up at her and sighed softly. "You know I want to protect you with everything that I have…" Nellie nodded slowly as he spoke and clutched his shirt in her hand. "You'll have the boy…" He spoke softly, rubbing her back and kissing her chest.
"I know…" Sweeney sighed as her voice remained a whisper and pulled her closer, burying his face into her breasts. Nellie stroked his hair softly, his breath warm on her skin. "Sweeney, love?"
"Hmmm?"
"Tell me why you love me… again…"
Sweeney sighed and propped his chin up on her breasts. "But you already know why…" Nellie gave him a soft pout, knowing that she could melt him at least a little bit with it. Sweeney mocked a sigh as she pouted and pressed his cheek against her chest, listening to heart beating steadily beneath it. "I love you for your no-nonsense fighting side… your caring heart even though it cares far too much. I love you for your resilience… your stubborn nature… I love that you are a wonderful mother though honestly you should cut down on the swearing at some point or her first word will not be a pleasant one. I love you because, somehow, you love me."
Nellie smiled softly as he spoke and stroked his hair. "Ah, well. Fuck." Nellie smirked and giggled as she looked down at him lovingly.
"What? Aren't you going to tell me why you love me?" Sweeney looked up from her chest as she spoke, holding her close on his lap.
"You already know why," Nellie mocked him playfully and giggled again.
"Maybe I forgot," Sweeney teased her back, bouncing her on his lap as he spoke.
Nellie bit her lip, smiling, and kissed him softly. "I love you completely…" She traced his lips softly as she spoke. "For what you were and what you are now… and what you'll be." Nellie began to stroke his cheek gently. "I feel so good when I'm with you. I love how sweet you can be and how you are with our daughter… it's beautiful, Sweeney, and I love you so much…"
Sweeney sighed when she finished and kissed the wrist of the hand stroking his cheek. "You're the only one who sees me that way and the only one I care about seeing me in any way."
Nellie smiled softly down on him, feeling a brief moment of total contentment. He buried his face back into her chest and breathed in the scent of her once more. "We should probably check on the baby."
"Yeah…" Nellie sighed and looked at him lovingly, not wanting to move herself from his lap. Sweeney, knowing her hesitation, sighed and looked up from her chest, pushing her from his lap gently. When she was up completely he stood from his own chair and kissed her before taking her hand in his gently.
Nellie returned the kiss and smiled at him before walking to the bedroom, squeezing his hand along the way. He followed behind her and let go of her hand once they had walked into the bedroom. Sweeney crossed the room and took the baby from her cradle and held her against his chest softly. "She's finally the size that Johanna was when she was born…"
Nellie rolled her eyes, walking to them. "Great…" She stroked Helena's cheek, pushing the thought of Johanna out of her mind.
Sweeney sighed and used his free hand to pull her against his side. "Stop that. I can make comments without it meaning anything. It's healthy for her to be this weight."
"Good." Nellie flashed him a quick smile and looked back at the baby.
"I know when you're not really smiling. Why are you so upset whenever I speak of Johanna?"
"I'm not."
"Yes you are. Whenever I say anything that doesn't refer to you, the baby, or your departure, you get upset. Why won't you just talk to me?"
Nellie sighed heavily. "You make me sound so selfish."
"I'm just trying to find out why you're getting upset! I think it's incredibly unreasonable. I can't leave you for Lucy, Johanna has never done a thing to you. Why does it bother you so fucking much?"
"You're supposed to be mine!" Nellie's voice cracked as she shouted and she hesitated for a moment, surprised herself that she had yelled. "Mine, only MINE, not Lucy's or Johanna's! M-I-N-E! I've been yours for all this time, it's not fucking fair!"
Sweeney looked at her in disbelief as she yelled at him and put the baby back in her cradle. "You are absolutely ridiculous. What do you want me to do? Forget that I was ever married? Forget about a child that I had and is now suffering a life she doesn't want? Just forget her and only think of you and the baby?"
"Why do you feel the fucking need to remember Lucy?"
"I loved her! I had a child with her! You don't just forget that!"
"She's not here anymore, damn it! Just forget her for God's sake! Things would be so much easier!"
Sweeney punched the dresser, feeling his anger rise as she continued to yell at him. "I can't."
"Yes, you can! You just don't want to!"
"No. I can't." Sweeney walked out to the parlor when he finished speaking, wanting to put distance between himself and the little baker so that he could calm down.
Nellie bit her inner cheek as he walked out of the room and felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes, guilt and anger bubbling underneath the surface. She turned her back to the door and sighed heavily, trying her best not to let the tears spill onto her cheeks.
Sweeney sat on the couch in the parlor and tried to calm himself, evening his breath slowly and thinking of his next steps for the day. In the bedroom, Nellie walked to the door and slammed it. Sweeney sighed hearing it and ignored her, taking deep breaths on the parlor sofa. Nellie felt the urge to scream or break something as she failed to process the swirl of emotions that took over her. "Argh!" She took a vase with flowers from the nightstand and smashed it on the floor, feeling a brief catharsis. "Fucking Lucy!"
Sweeney heard the vase break and sighed, choosing to wait until she had time to calm down before he would approach her. In the bedroom, Nellie sighed heavily and closed her eyes for a moment before taking Helena, who had begun to cry when the vase smashed, and tried to calm her down. As he heard the baby stop crying, he ran a hand through his hair, sighing in relief, and took a razor from his pocket. The yelling had caused an anxiety to settle underneath his anger and now that he was calm, all he could feel was the pricking anxiety. He rolled up a sleeve and flicked the blade out, pressing it against his scarred skin and cutting just deep enough to feel relief shiver over his body.
Nellie put Helena back into her cradle and got dressed, feeling her anger simmer down and her guilt settling into her chest. Leaving the room, she passed him, keeping her gaze to the floor. As she entered the parlor, Sweeney pulled his sleeve down quickly, flicking his razor shut.
"Where are you going?"
"Not your bloody business." Nellie opened the door to leave and Sweeney stood with a sigh, taking her arm in a tight grip to keep her from pulling away and pulling her back into the room.
Nellie gasped at his gruffness and looked up at him. "Sweeney!" She sighed in annoyance, just wanting to go outside for a moment.
As he held his grip tight on her arm, his cut began to bleed through his sleeve. "Don't walk out on a problem."
Nellie bit her inner cheek as he chastised her. "Let me g-" She stopped as she noticed the red in the corner of her eye and looked at his sleeve. "Sweeney what have you done?!"
"That doesn't matter." He let go of her arm quickly, pulling his sleeve lower.
"It does!" Nellie frowned and took his arm, pulling the sleeve up and gasping as she saw how deep he had gone to get through the scarred skin. "Oh, God, love…" She looked back up at him, feeling guilt and shock. "Sit on the couch, I'll be back!" She walked away from him quickly and Sweeney sat with a sigh, running a hand through his hair.
Nellie came back after a moment with alcohol, a towel, and a bowl with water in it. She laid the items on the floor and knelt in front of him, taking his arm in her hands and frowning sadly. "Why?" She looked up at him hesitantly.
"Do you really need a reason?" His voice was tired and he looked away from her gaze.
Nellie's eyes widened and she felt ready to cry again as he looked away from her. "You did it because of me?" Her voice cracked as she said it and Sweeney looked back at her with a sigh.
"No. Not because of you."
Nellie sighed in relief and dipped a towel in the alcohol, stroking his cut slowly with it. Sweeney grimaced as the alcohol burned his cut and looked away from her again as she tended to him.
Nellie sighed as she cleaned his cut. "Why, then?"
Sweeney took a moment to think about it, wanting to choose his words carefully. "It… relieves the stress."
Nellie swallowed, feeling her tears prick menacingly at the corners of her eyes and looked up at him reluctantly. "Love…" She sighed, unable to find a way to express how guilty she felt.
Sweeney pulled his arm away when she finished and pulled the sleeve back into place. "If you want to go, go."
Nellie frowned sadly and looked down, overwhelmed with guilt as he told her to go. "I'm sorry…"
Sweeney sighed and looked at her after a moment. "Don't be. You didn't do this."
"I… I'm still sorry…"
Sweeney took her hands in his own softly and pulled her up into his lap, letting her straddle him. "You know that I'm yours. Why do you stress yourself over things that won't affect that? Asking me to forget Johanna is the same as me asking you to leave Toby to the workhouses here." Nellie frowned and looked down at the space between them, knowing that he was right. "Do you understand? If you want me to forget Johanna, you're going to have to forget Toby. Completely."
Nellie shook her head, keeping her gaze low. "N-No."
"Then can I love my daughters and you equally?" He began to rub the small of her back as he spoke and Nellie hesitated before looking up at him and sighed heavily.
"It's not the same thing. Toby is in my present, Lucy and Johanna were in your past. You're supposed to live with me. In the present."
"It is the same thing. If Toby were taken from you for fifteen years and you had the chance to get him back, you're saying you wouldn't? Because it's not your present? You don't forget the people you love, pet. No matter how long ago you started loving them and how removed they are from your life."
Nellie sighed and looked at him sadly. "Fine." Nellie got up from his lap and walked back into the bedroom, sighing at the sight of the mess that she had made.
Sweeney sighed as she got up and followed her into the bedroom. "I don't know why you think loving my daughter will take me away from you. Just tell me why you think that."
Nellie bent down, ignoring him, and began to pick up the pieces of the broken vase.
"I'll give you my razors if you promise to tell me." Nellie looked up, biting her lip. Sweeney took the razor from his pocket and held it up for her to see. "Tell me and solve the argument and we can go upstairs and you can take the others and leave with them when you go tomorrow morning."
Nellie stood up, sighing. "I can't help it."
"Why?" As he spoke he set the razor in his hand down on the dresser.
"I think I'm a bit selfish." Nellie winced as she said it, knowing that she had little ground to stand on. "Just a bit."
"Just a bit?" Sweeney raised an eyebrow and leaned against the doorframe.
Nellie bit her lip and looked away from him. "I'm sorry."
"Are you going to push away from me and walk off if I come over to you?"
Nellie rolled her eyes, her gaze fixed to the floor. "No…"
Sweeney walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, sighing. "I am yours as much as you are mine, pet. Nothing will change that. I'll still spend as much time with you as I always have…"
Nellie nodded slowly and put her head on his chest softly as he began to stroke her hair, kissing the side of her hair. "Don't do this to yourself again…" She spoke into his chest softly. "Promise me." Sweeney buried his face against her shoulder, knowing that he couldn't make that promise for her and keep it. "Please, Sweeney…" Nellie frowned sadly as he wouldn't answer. Sighing, Sweeney nodded and pulled her closer against him.
Nellie felt a touch of relief, though she knew that he didn't mean it, and caressed his hair. "I love you…"
Sweeney kissed her hair and looked at her softly after a moment. "I love you too…"
Nellie kissed him softly, holding onto him tightly. "We should stop arguing like this…"
Sweeney nodded and kissed her again, tightening his grip on her. Nellie returned the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck. Sweeney broke the kiss reluctantly after a moment and rested his forehead against hers softly. Nellie looked up into his eyes and put a hand on his cheek softly, stroking it with her thumb. Sweeney leaned into her touch, closing his eyes and resting a hand over the one on his cheek. Nellie smiled a bit though he wasn't looking at her.
"Two weeks…" Sweeney opened his eyes to look at her and Nellie nodded slowly, her heart sinking in her chest. "Thank you for this. I know you don't want it…"
"I want it…"
"That's funny because if I recall correctly, you shattered a vase and that to me does not seem like the act of someone who wants what is happening." He smirked softly as he spoke, feeling more relaxed.
Nellie smirked back at him and rolled her eyes with a sigh. "I don't want Johanna here, but I want you to be happy and I know you need her near you. That's why I'm letting you do it. Because I love you."
"Just promise me that you won't shatter any more glass objects." he rubbed her back softly as he spoke. "And if she attempts a relationship with you… give her a chance, pet."
Nellie sighed, giving in. "Okay…"
"She has to spend time with the baby as well…" Nellie sighed heavily and Sweeney knew that it was going to be a rough barrier to climb over. "If it will make you feel better you can be in the room the entire time." He pulled away slightly and looked into her eyes, his hands resting on her hips.
Nellie looked down, sighing. "Okay…"
Sweeney tilted her chin to look up at him and kissed her slowly. "I know what you're sacrificing for this. I hope you know I'm thankful." Nellie smiled at him sadly and sighed. "I regret asking you to wait until my return." He smirked as he spoke and kissed her again, brushing the hair from her face. "But I was very serious. I want to know you."
Nellie sighed and looked away from him. "It's hard."
"Why is it hard? I promise I won't leave, I won't get angry, I won't hurt you. Just let me know you…" He caressed her cheeks with his thumbs as he spoke and kissed her forehead gently.
Nellie sighed shakily, feeling her anxiety return. "No one knows me, Sweeney. No one ever did."
"Then let me be the first…" Sweeney moved his arms back around her, holding her against him.
Nellie bit her lip, thinking of what she could tell him. "I've never been in a real relationship. I don't think I've ever been loved. You're the only one."
Sweeney rubbed her back gently, sighing. "This is what you do with people you love. You open your heart to them… Do you want to lay down with me, will it make it easier?" Nellie gave him a soft smile and nodded. Sweeney let go of her as she did and walked to the bed, pulling her down with him as she laid down. He pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead before speaking. "Tell me about your favorite memory… and why it's your favorite."
Nellie snuggled against him, not even having to think to know her answer. "The first time you admitted that you loved me. It meant so much to me."
"Why?" He began to stroke her hair softly, already knowing the answer.
"I just felt so relieved…" Nellie sighed shakily. "It finally happened. Just… I've waited for so long…"
"What about before that… did you have any happy memories?"
Nellie frowned and actually took a moment to think about it. "No…"
"Not even as a child?"
Nellie shook her head slowly, preferring not to remember her childhood.
"Were you ever… abused as a child?" As he spoke he traced light patterns on her back with his fingers, wanting to help her stay calm.
Nellie tensed and swallowed, not answering him.
"It's okay…" Sweeney held her closer against him, continuing to rub her back softly.
Nellie sighed shakily and buried her face in his chest, starting to feel on the verge of tears again.
"Shhh, pet…" He kissed the top of her head. "You can tell me… I won't hurt you and no one will ever hurt you when I'm here…"
Nellie sighed shakily as he kept rubbing her back, trying to calm herself down. "I was six…" Her voice cracked as she began to remember it in detail. "It was Christmas time."
"What happened?"
Nellie snuggled closer against him, wanting to be enveloped by him as the memory absorbed her. "My uncle raped me in the bedroom." Nellie bit her lip as she began to cry, remembering the intense pains she had felt.
"Did your parents ever know?" He stroked her hair soothingly, trying to contain his shock and anger at what had been done to her so young.
Nelle nodded and he looked at her softly.
"What did they do?"
"Nothing…" Nellie frowned, remembering how she had cried alone in pain while her parents continued to drink with the rest of the family downstairs.
"Did they ever touch you?" He kissed her forehead, trying to remain calm himself as he processed what she had just told him.
Nellie frowned sadly, remembering the many times her own father had come into her room at night. "My father touched me but my mother did nothing… And then…" Nellie swallowed, unable to continue.
"And what, darling…" He pressed softly, his heart sinking.
"He hit me so many times…" Nellie pulled off and turned onto her side, facing the wall. "He said I deserved it…"
Sweeney sighed, aware that he was as guilty of doing the same thing to Nellie as her father was. "Pet… I'm sorry… I never knew…"
Nellie didn't answer, frowning sadly.
"Please come here…" He spoke softly, wanting to comfort her. "I promise I will never touch you that way again…"
Nellie sighed shakily, rooted to her spot. "I see my father in your eyes when you do that…"
"I'm sorry… Nellie… I promise you on the life of our daughter that I won't touch you again that way…" He reached a tentative hand towards her as he spoke, just wanting to hold her.
"No matter what?" She asked him, her voice soft and weak.
Sweeney sighed, touching her shoulder gently. "Yes. Please come here…" Nellie tensed at his touch sighing shakily and Sweeney felt his heart sink into his stomach. "I promise… I won't touch you in any way that you don't want me to…"
Nellie bit her lip and turned to face him slowly, still feeling incredibly vulnerable as she looked into his eyes. "I love you…"
He pulled her back against him softly, kissing her neck lightly. "I love you too… you're okay… This is okay..."
Nellie nodded against his chest, snuggling back into his embrace. "I was scared you…" Nellie stopped herself, swallowing.
"You were scared that I would what?" He began to rub her back again softly, wanting to soothe her as much as he could.
"That you would hit me. Because I deserved it. I thought you would think I was disgusting and… that my father was right…"
"Pet…" Sweeney looked at her, choosing his next words carefully. "I told you I wouldn't harm you before you even laid down with me. I would never hit you just because your father thought you were undeserving… you aren't disgusting to me… you're my heart…" He stroked her hair as he spoke and kissed her head softly.
Nellie let out a shaky breath as he kissed her. "I don't like talking about my past…"
"I know, pet… but I needed to know these things. I need to know you…" He looked into her eyes softly, wanting her to feel secure as he held her. Nellie nodded, her body tense, Sweeney sighed, resting his head against her chest again. "Do you want me to talk about my past?" Nellie sighed and hummed softly. "What do you want to know?" He nuzzled her chest softly as he spoke.
"How were you when you were a boy?" She asked him softly, imagining a lovely, warm child.
Sweeney sighed and kissed her chest lightly. "I had a fair beginning. My father was a woodsmith and my mother was a seamstress. I had two older sisters and one younger one. There were two cousins that lived with us as well; a boy and a girl with an aunt from my mother's side. I shared a bed with the boy." Nellie sighed and started stroking his hair again as he spoke. "My oldest sister was named Elizabeth, after her came Charlotte. My youngest sister was named Emily and our cousins were Maria and Robert. My father married my mother the year before Elizabeth was born. My mother was named Lucy as well and my father was John." Sweeney sighed as she continued to stroke his hair. "My aunt was a ridiculous woman named Cordelia."
Nellie smiled sadly, imagining a large house full of people. "So many people…"
"It was a crowded home, yes…" Sweeney paused a moment as he tried to remember some of the detail of his childhood that he had blocked out. "Lucy and I met as children in that neighborhood. My mother and her mother worked together and every so often before the age when I would help my father work, I would play with her and Elizabeth and Lucy's younger brother Nathaniel. I haven't seen any of them since my return. Emily died when I was nine…" Sweeney paused as he remembered the blonde little girl who would crawl into his bed at night when she couldn't sleep and found himself defensively shutting out her memory.
Nellie frowned, unaware that Sweeney had had any form of trauma in his childhood. "So young…"
"Do you really want to know all of this?" Sweeney kept his gaze low, aware that, despite the tragedy of his youngest sister's death, that he had had a mostly content childhood.
Nellie sighed, continuing to stroke his hair and wanting to keep the discussion away from her own childhood for as long as possible. "Yeah."
Sweeney sighed and kissed her chest before he continued. "I was a fairly average child. I ran errands for my father and mother, cared for Emily and Charlotte while they were busy. I enjoyed reading so my mother would save a little money every week and when she could afford it she would buy me a new book and Charlotte new charcoal pieces and nicer paper for her art work. We had a cat that was devoted to Elizabeth and despised everyone else. He gave me my first scar." Nellie nodded as he spoke, running her fingers slowly through his thick hair as he held her closer to him. "My cousins and my aunt left when I was twelve. My aunt had remarried and he wanted to move the family out to the country. It devastated my mother and she took to her bed for two weeks until my father made her return to work with Lucy's mother. She caught ill that winter and died three weeks later along with my sister Charlotte."
Nellie frowned as he spoke of more losses, wondering how he could have ended up such a happy young man when his warm childhood home had become so broken. "I'm sorry…"
"It was many years ago, pet." Sweeney spoke quietly as he thought of his mother and sisters for the first time in over a decade. "Elizabeth lived though if she still lives, I do not know. She married a merchant and had three children by him by the time that Lucy and I had wed when I was twenty-one. My father died six months after my marriage began and the bloody cat had gone with Elizabeth to her husband's home." Nellie gave a soft sigh as he mentioned his marriage to Lucy and nodded. "You know the rest, pet. Lucy and I gave my father's home to Elizabeth as she had more children and moved here." He sighed against her chest when he finished and listened to her heartbeat as he pushed thoughts of his family out of his mind.
"I'm sorry for all of this, love…" Nellie truly meant it as she stroked his hair continually. When she had asked him to tell her about his childhood, she never imagined that he had faced a time before Lucy and Johanna when he had lost everyone he loved.
"Sorry for what?"
"Your mother… and your sisters. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I had an agreeable childhood. The loss of my mother and my sisters hurt but I had others. I had Lucy and my father and Elizabeth. I should be apologizing for your childhood, pet." Sweeney looked up from her chest as he spoke and began to stroke her cheek softly.
Nellie frowned, not exactly looking to be pitied for her childhood. "It's okay…"
"It's not…" Sweeney began to trace her lips with his thumb, feeling guilty for everything he had done to her on top of her past. "If I had known… I would have not threatened you."
Nellie bit her lip, knowing that if she hadn't told him he wouldn't be apologizing. "Well, you did. It's too late."
"I know… and I apologized. I will never understand why you stay…" Nellie sighed heavily at his pseudo-apologies and looked away from him. Sweeney leaned in to kiss her and paused, hesitating as he realized that she might not want him to touch her still. "Is this still okay?"
Nellie frowned and looked back into his eyes. "It's…" She hesitated, not really wanting to be kissed but wanting to move on from the subject at the same time. "Yeah."
"If it isn't I won't touch you…" He pulled away from her slightly, sensing her hesitation.
"I'm just…" Nellie swallowed in hesitation. "Used to being used. And even if I know you love me, Sweeney, I can't help but think that you're using me."
"Eleanor…" Though he knew that she didn't particularly like her full name, Sweeney didn't want to risk taking away any semblance of seriousness from what he was about to say. "I am not using you. In the very beginning… yes, I was. I don't know when it went from that to… this, but it did. You are as free in this relationship as I am." As he spoke he removed his hands from her waist, wanting her to process his words with as little influence from him as possible. Nellie sighed and put a hand on his cheek though she didn't respond to him verbally. "You are free to go whenever you like… though I cannot guarantee that I will let you go without a fight."
Nellie sighed, aware that he was just going to keep talking if she didn't give him an answer. "I wouldn't leave…"
Sweeney sighed and kissed her wrist carefully. "I promise… I will not use you." Nellie nodded slowly, biting her lip. "Can I kiss you?" Sweeney looked up at her expression carefully.
Nellie nodded, knowing he would keep assuring her until she gave in. "Come here…"
Sweeney put his arms back around the little baker and moved closer to her rather than drawing her against him as he would normally do. Nellie gave him a soft smile before kissing him softly, tangling her fingers through his hair as he sighed into her kiss and held onto her tighter. Sweeney began to move the kiss to her neck, biting softly at her skin and Nellie bit her lip, making herself relax as she smiled at him encouragingly. He pulled away from her and kissed her forehead lightly to her slight relief.
"I want to pleasure you…" He spoke softly, looking into her eyes and Nellie gave him a slight smile though she was hesitant to allow him.
"Will you let me?" His hand began to trail down her side and Nellie shivered at his touch. She gave him a soft nod of permission, not letting her eyes leave his as she attempted to calm herself.
He kissed her again, pulling at the laces of her dress as he did so. Nellie returned the kiss and gave him a gentle, encouraging moan, wanting to forget her anxiety and bury it back in her past. Sweeney returned the kiss to her neck as he removed her corset and Nellie took in a deep breath as her rib cage was freed. Nellie closed her eyes and sighed, trying to relax into his touch. His kisses made their way down over her chest and between her breasts and she found the ability to calm as his lips touched her skin. She bit her lip, watching as he kissed at her body.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" He asked as he looked up at her to see her gazing down at him.
Nellie gave him a soft nod, wanting to remain as calm as she could be. "Yes…"
He kissed her lips again before moving to finish his trail of kisses down over her stomach. Nellie sighed a bit shakily despite herself and Sweeney pressed on, pulling her skirts down below her knees. Nellie took a slow breath as he did so, preparing herself for what he was going to do next.
"I'm ready for you," she told him softly, biting her lip again in anticipation.
Sweeney nodded and moved his tongue across her entrance, parting her legs more as he laid between them. Nellie closed her eyes as the first sensation of pleasure reached her and parted her lips. Between her legs, Sweeney pushed a tentative finger into her opening, his tongue swirling steadily over her clit. Nellie gave him an encouraging moan as the pleasure calmed her and she began to enjoy it. At her moaning he added a second finger into her, pumping them a little faster as he licked at her clit. Nellie gasped and moaned louder for him, arching her back. He moved his fingers faster as she began to enjoy it more and took a moment to look up at her before pulling his fingers out and moving his tongue into her instead.
Nellie moaned loudly, clutching at the sheets as she already began to feel close. As he worked on her, the baby began to cry at Nellie's moaning and Sweeney ignored her, taking his tongue away and adding three fingers into her, his mouth sucking on her clit. Nellie's breathing quickened as he did so and she moaned again loudly as she felt herself come, closing her eyes as her hips convulsed slightly.
Sweeney pulled away from her when she finished and moved over her to kiss her softly before covering her with the blanket. He got up without a word and Nellie watched as he walked to the cradle, picking Helena up after wiping his hands clean on a nearby towel. On the bed, Nellie's breath was still hitched and she closed her eyes, not wanting to really care for the baby just yet.
Sweeney began to soothe their daughter, holding her against his chest. "I know, lamb… Mummy is very loud, isn't she?"
Nellie raised an eyebrow, her eyes still closed as she attempted to calm her breathing. "Mummy is fucking tired because of daddy."
"Don't fall asleep just yet, pet. You still need to go to the market and get what you need for tomorrow morning." As he spoke he walked to the bed, sitting on the edge as he rubbed Helena's back. Nellie sighed heavily, not opening her eyes. "Come now, I couldn't have tired you that badly." Sweeney smirked at her dramaticism and looked back at her as he continued to soothe the baby. Nellie smirked softly and opened her eyes to look at him with the baby. "Come on, sit up, darling." Nellie sat up in the bed slowly as he bid her, feeling the wetness on her thighs from her cum. Sweeney tried to ignore the fact that he was beginning to become aroused as he saw her exposed form and kissed her cheek. "I will miss you greatly…"
Nellie sighed, unaware that he was becoming aroused. "So will I…"
"Here," as he spoke he stood up from the bed, placing the baby back into her cradle. "I'll help you dress."
Nellie sighed at the fact that she had to move more and got up from the bed reluctantly. Sweeney walked around the bed and wrapped his arms around her waist for a moment, resting his forehead against her own. Nellie looked at him lovingly, relaxing at his gentle touch, and gave him a soft smile though she could feel the heaviness of her pending departure weighing on the air between them. He pulled her closer to him and held onto her tighter, kissing her lips softly. Nellie returned the kiss slowly, attempting to pour all of her love into it so that he would know that she had truly calmed.
Deepening the kiss, Sweeney tightened his grip on her so that Nellie could feel her breath becoming restricted. Nellie ignored the tightness on her rib cage and moaned into the kiss, hoping that he might make love to her one more time before she had to leave. He pulled away gently, however, kissing her lightly again before once more resting his forehead against hers. "I don't want you to go…" He spoke softly and Nellie felt her heart break for the both of them.
She sighed sadly, looking at his chest. "I don't want to go either…"
Sweeney sighed and closed his eyes, nuzzling his face against her hair. "I'm sorry I did this to you…"
Nellie closed her eyes as well, focusing on the fainted scent of cologne from the barber shop. "It's okay."
"You deserve better…" His words were mumbled but Nellie could still hear him.
She frowned, misinterpreting his words, and pulled away from him quickly. "You're not telling me this because you won't come back, right?"
Sweeney pulled her back to him gently, kissing her again lightly. No, I'm saying it because you deserve better."
"Oh-Oh…" Nellie kissed him again, feeling relief flood into her chest.
Sweeney began to stroke her hair lightly, kissing the side of her head. "You deserve Benjamin, not Sweeney."
"He didn't want me."
"But at least he's not a demon." His gaze drifted away from her ask he spoke and Nellie felt her heart sink again as he compared himself to demons.
"I want the demon."
Sweeney sighed, not really acknowledging what she said, and buried his face in her hair again. "I love you…"
"If you're going crazy, just grab me and take me… I'll follow you down anywhere." Nellie whispered to him softly.
"I'm already crazy." He kissed her shoulder lightly. "You're going to get cold standing her without anything on your legs." He looked up from her shoulder and pressed her against him tightly.
Nellie smirked and sighed a little as he tightened his grip again. "I love how crazy you are…" She stroked his cheek softly as she spoke. "And I'm just fine…"
Sweeney sighed at her touch and closed his eyes for a moment before pushing her away softly. "I'm sorry… you need to dress." Nellie sighed and picked her skirts and corset up off of the floor, wishing he would just let himself enjoy her for once while she was willing. Sweeney turned away from her, feeling his erection begin to return as he watched her. "Let me know when you've dressed."
Nellie smirked slightly as he turned from her. "You're very stubborn."
"Then be prepared for the night that I return." Sweeney smirked though he refused to turn until she had covered herself. Nellie continued to smirk and finished dressing slowly. "You taking longer isn't going to make me turn to watch you." As he spoke he crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring his erection.
"How sad." Nellie giggled and finished dressing. "You can look, sweetie."
Knowing that Nellie would be fully willing to trick him into turning around early, Sweeney ignored her and rolled up his sleeve to examine his cut as he felt the forming scab crack open.
Nellie sighed sadly as she watched him roll up his sleeve and walked to him, wrapping her arms around him from behind and snuggling against his back. As he felt the bakers arms surround him, Sweeney pulled his sleeve back into place and turned to face her, wrapping his own arms around her. Nellie snuggled against his chest and sighed as she smelled a stronger wave of his cologne mixed with her cum as he had laid over her.
"I know you're comfortable, pet, but you need to go to the market before it closes. Tell them the truth about how I hurt you." He kissed her forehead when he finished speaking and Nellie felt her anxiety bloom back into place in her chest.
"I don't want to…"
"You must." He kissed her forehead again and Nellie sighed heavily before pulling away and walking to the door. Sweeney sighed and grabbed her hand before she could walk out. "Wait…" Nellie sighed and looked back at him softly. "Kiss me again before you go to the market…" He looked away from her as he spoke, a twinge of shame in him as he felt compelled to have her affection one more time while they were still seen as a married pair.
Nellie gave him a soft smile, touched at his request, and put a hand on his cheek softly. "I love you…" She told him quietly before kissing him again. Sweeney sighed into the kiss and wrapped his arms back around her, holding her to him tightly once more. Nellie sighed as he pressed her to him once more and looked away before pulling off again, not wanting to feel guilty for doing as he asked her to. Sweeney himself looked away when she pulled off, still ashamed that he had needed that extra kiss from her.
Nellie walked to the door once more, hesitating a moment to look at him. "I love you so much…" She bit her lip as he didn't look up and exited quickly before she could feel guilty about leaving.
Once she had gone, Sweeney felt the exhaustion from the past nights come over him and he laid on the bed hesitantly, falling asleep after a few moments as he waited for her return.